Cousins Maine Lobster

I have seen the Cousins Maine Lobster food truck around town... And they claim that they are voted the number 1 food truck in Atlanta. The only time I have seen a line for them was in front of Hop City on the west side... And that's because they were the only food truck around. I was more interested waiting in line for beer in a climate controlled space than an overpriced lobster roll from a truck in the hot sun. I knew I wasn't missing anything from the looks of the lobster rolls in other people's hands... They were so small that it made me proud of my manhood for the first time in my measly life.
Fast forward months and years since and now they have opened a brick and mortar space in Lenox mall... What, where?! Yeah, I said Lenox mall... Where else would you expect to find this city's lobster roll connoisseurs? Let's face it, Lenox is basically the Atlanta version of the Mos Eisley spaceport. You would think the Cantina on Mos Eisley was bad but you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than at Lenox mall. I know what y'all are saying, what in the fucking shit, pouch?! WHY?! I know, I know... Believe me, this dump gives me the willies with all the urban hillbillies walking around like zombies. Who the fuck even goes to malls anymore these days? The best era for malls were back in the 80's when malls were the place to get your news, gossip, fashion, shopping, technology (at the arcade), dates, movies and dinner at the food court... It was our version of the internet back then. Now, these institutions are just a study in moppishness. But let's get back to why I have to come here. It's not because of choice, it's because of duty for pouchkind. I have said time and time again, that the pouch will sacrifice life and pannus to report all that's fit to eat to my one reader.
Just driving into the parking lot is giving me hives. Finding a spot can be dangerous, like who's turf am I parking on... You don't want to step on the toes of the Gramercy Riffs or the Baseball Furies but never look into the eyes of the Rogues if you want to make it to the Cheesecake Factory. Walked in from one of the rear entrances for the first time in many many moons without getting shanked by 3 pony bottles... Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck is going on in here... Isn't Lenox supposed to be a hotbed of fashion in this one horse town? It looked like a cross between World of Dance and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, the entire place was full of gaudy costumes that you would only wear during Halloween. I thought wife beaters were only for rednecks... Someone open a window, I can't breathe with all the stereotypes in here. Do people really live like this or is it just an act they put on when they come here? People watching is amazing up in this piece but it may also blind you... Which may be for the better. It's amazing how many people pretend to be something they are not and does everyone in here need to talk so loudly to make sure that everyone around them hears them. Seriously, bro, I don't care if you sent out 50 demos of your new single to all the producers around town including yourself while chowing down on a Doritos Locos Taco...Speaking of tacos, this joint is located right across from ATL Taco (which is another story). This place has zero visibility inside the mall... It's like hidden in a corner janitor's closet. There were people in there, not a lot but some. There is no table seating inside, just some stools and a ledge. But there are table outside along the window/wall and there are some tables outside of the mall as well. There are no servers, it's all counter service... And the service is horrid. The prices aren't cheap for mall food but no one expects lobster rolls to be cheap anyways. I was having second thoughts but then again, I made myself come here so I might as well zip in and zip out... How long can this take? It's counter service and fast food after all... Famous last words.

Not a fucking soul at the counter... Make like a Yelper and grab as much freebies as you can! When the dude finally appeared from the back, there was a line backed up already. He took order after order, while the pass was filling up with order after order coming from the kitchen... And the dude just let it sit there while customers were getting impatient watching their food get cold. He turns around and had a look like a deer in headlights... Total confusion and he started mixing and matching orders. It was a sight to behold. If he thinks he was in the weeds, he might as well be smoking some. Jesus, stop taking new orders and get the old orders out and clear the window, motherfucker... The natives are getting restless for their pricey lobster rolls. I put my order for 3 items in and it was almost sixty-fuckin-dollars... The best part of the ordering process is when the tip window pops up on the screen and they basically have the 20% button in the center of screen... They really expect 20% tip for counter service... Why the fuck not? They are high priced items. So, I waited and waited and waited, staring at my order at the pass while that mook continued to take new orders. It was a good 25 minzies before he noticed the window was backing up. I can't believe I gave them 5 bucks for that shitty service. I hope the grub was worth the hefty change and long wait... Shit, who am I kidding, we already know what the fuck's the deal up in this piece... But it will be fun to bust a nut all over them anyways.

Maine Lobster Roll- served chilled, touch of mayo, New England style roll. $18 for this? The bun was so small you could maybe fit two Vienna sausages in there... Compare it to the slaw container, you could fit that entire lobster roll inside it! Seeing this in real life actually boosted my manhood and ego, even if it was just for a minute. It almost gave me the courage to ask out this slutty 18 year old inhaling a lobster taco... On second thought, maybe not, the last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it. The bun was not buttered or toasted... But the lobster had a bright red color to it, though. Maybe the taste will make up for the size... Took a bite... Nothing, tasted absolutely like nothing. Where's the touch of mayo? Did they literally dip their finger in the mayo jar and touch the lobster with it... It was unseasoned, bland, tasted like it's been vacationing in a vacuum pack for weeks. Maybe I shoulda got the Connecticut version bathe in butter... Maybe I shoulda kept on driving... Off a cliff. The slaw was bland as well and tasted like chewing on cut up plastic straws... Wait, maybe it was straw not slaw. Even the pickle was bad. Why did they wrap the pickle? Maybe they didn't want to embarrass me...

Crab Roll- North Atlantic crab, served chilled, touch of mayo, New England style roll. I didn't know crab had pubic hair... There's a lot of seascaping on this bun. Not a lump of crabmeat in sight... It looked like they opened a can of Bumble Bee crabmeat and tossed it in a bowl to fluff it up and stuffed it in the bun. First off, there was zero taste to it and bland as fuck. It was like eating the stuffing that my dog pulled out from her dog bed. At least spray some perfume on it so I can pretend I'm eating out Betty White or some silver haired hag at least. $15 for this sad ass mons pubis of crab. Not even Flick would triple dog dare you to eat this. And the bucket of straws made another appearance... But the pickle was unwrapped this time, there's gotta be a riddle in there somewhere.

Maine Fried Clams- whole belly Maine clams, fries, lemon and house made tartar sauce. I was actually more interested in the fried clams with bellies than the lobster roll. When I saw this on the menu, I knew I had to have it... But I also had some reservations since I had the same excitement for the fried clams with bellies at Beetlecat which turned out to be a total dud. I wasn't expecting much initially, but when I saw the price (almost $18), they better put up or shut up... And this is what came out. All batter and crust with tiny clam strips and even tinier bellies if you could even find any in that basket... Is it me or does it look like I'm eating someone else's leftovers out of a trash can? Hey, I'm not above that. More than half of the basket was fries and only a handful of thick fried batter with clam bits. The lemon gave it a little zing but it woulda been nice if I had some tartar sauce to dip these funnel cake trimmings in. A total disappointment but what else is new... No one has yet put out a proper fried clams with bellies in this one horse town and it's a travesty.

The entire experience from start to finish was unbearable... To pay that much for shitty service and really poorly executed product almost made me vomit... But I didn't because it cost too much to flush it down the toilet, I'll wait for the full cycle and let it come out violently on the other end. It's too bad they are more interested in showing off pictures of themselves with celebrities rather than focusing on their product. I was gonna post some pics of their pics of themselves all over the walls but I ain't giving them free PR. They are very proud of appearing on Shark Tank and want to make sure everyone knows about it... But they are not really interested in the product they're selling, it's just an after thought. They should sell this low rent slop in the As Seen On TV section in Walmart.
I wouldn't hold my breath on their sustainability at Lenox mall, they got the entire demographics for this type of product totally wrong in here. It's a big ticket item in a low rent environment, maybe Barbara will fork out some more money to float this gimmick in this shark tank for another couple of months. I still can't believe I forked out $60 for this shit... Got suckered in again!
Y'all know how much Popeyes I could get for $60? I would have spicy thighs coming out of my ears for 3 days. Don't even waste your time fighting the traffic and crowds for this slop... Let's face it, there is absolutely nothing edible in this mall.

3393 Peachtree Road NE
Atlanta, GA 30326
www.cousinsmainelobster.com