Cousins Maine Lobster

I have seen the Cousins Maine Lobster food truck around town... And they claim that they are voted the number 1 food truck in Atlanta. The only time I have seen a line for them was in front of Hop City on the west side... And that's because they were the only food truck around. I was more interested waiting in line for beer in a climate controlled space than an overpriced lobster roll from a truck in the hot sun. I knew I wasn't missing anything from the looks of the lobster rolls in other people's hands... They were so small that it made me proud of my manhood for the first time in my measly life.
Fast forward months and years since and now they have opened a brick and mortar space in Lenox mall... What, where?! Yeah, I said Lenox mall... Where else would you expect to find this city's lobster roll connoisseurs? Let's face it, Lenox is basically the Atlanta version of the Mos Eisley spaceport. You would think the Cantina on Mos Eisley was bad but you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than at Lenox mall. I know what y'all are saying, what in the fucking shit, pouch?! WHY?! I know, I know... Believe me, this dump gives me the willies with all the urban hillbillies walking around like zombies. Who the fuck even goes to malls anymore these days? The best era for malls were back in the 80's when malls were the place to get your news, gossip, fashion, shopping, technology (at the arcade), dates, movies and dinner at the food court... It was our version of the internet back then. Now, these institutions are just a study in moppishness. But let's get back to why I have to come here. It's not because of choice, it's because of duty for pouchkind. I have said time and time again, that the pouch will sacrifice life and pannus to report all that's fit to eat to my one reader.
Just driving into the parking lot is giving me hives. Finding a spot can be dangerous, like who's turf am I parking on... You don't want to step on the toes of the Gramercy Riffs or the Baseball Furies but never look into the eyes of the Rogues if you want to make it to the Cheesecake Factory. Walked in from one of the rear entrances for the first time in many many moons without getting shanked by 3 pony bottles... Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck is going on in here... Isn't Lenox supposed to be a hotbed of fashion in this one horse town? It looked like a cross between World of Dance and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, the entire place was full of gaudy costumes that you would only wear during Halloween. I thought wife beaters were only for rednecks... Someone open a window, I can't breathe with all the stereotypes in here. Do people really live like this or is it just an act they put on when they come here? People watching is amazing up in this piece but it may also blind you... Which may be for the better. It's amazing how many people pretend to be something they are not and does everyone in here need to talk so loudly to make sure that everyone around them hears them. Seriously, bro, I don't care if you sent out 50 demos of your new single to all the producers around town including yourself while chowing down on a Doritos Locos Taco...Speaking of tacos, this joint is located right across from ATL Taco (which is another story). This place has zero visibility inside the mall... It's like hidden in a corner janitor's closet. There were people in there, not a lot but some. There is no table seating inside, just some stools and a ledge. But there are table outside along the window/wall and there are some tables outside of the mall as well. There are no servers, it's all counter service... And the service is horrid. The prices aren't cheap for mall food but no one expects lobster rolls to be cheap anyways. I was having second thoughts but then again, I made myself come here so I might as well zip in and zip out... How long can this take? It's counter service and fast food after all... Famous last words.

Not a fucking soul at the counter... Make like a Yelper and grab as much freebies as you can! When the dude finally appeared from the back, there was a line backed up already. He took order after order, while the pass was filling up with order after order coming from the kitchen... And the dude just let it sit there while customers were getting impatient watching their food get cold. He turns around and had a look like a deer in headlights... Total confusion and he started mixing and matching orders. It was a sight to behold. If he thinks he was in the weeds, he might as well be smoking some. Jesus, stop taking new orders and get the old orders out and clear the window, motherfucker... The natives are getting restless for their pricey lobster rolls. I put my order for 3 items in and it was almost sixty-fuckin-dollars... The best part of the ordering process is when the tip window pops up on the screen and they basically have the 20% button in the center of screen... They really expect 20% tip for counter service... Why the fuck not? They are high priced items. So, I waited and waited and waited, staring at my order at the pass while that mook continued to take new orders. It was a good 25 minzies before he noticed the window was backing up. I can't believe I gave them 5 bucks for that shitty service. I hope the grub was worth the hefty change and long wait... Shit, who am I kidding, we already know what the fuck's the deal up in this piece... But it will be fun to bust a nut all over them anyways.

Maine Lobster Roll- served chilled, touch of mayo, New England style roll. $18 for this? The bun was so small you could maybe fit two Vienna sausages in there... Compare it to the slaw container, you could fit that entire lobster roll inside it! Seeing this in real life actually boosted my manhood and ego, even if it was just for a minute. It almost gave me the courage to ask out this slutty 18 year old inhaling a lobster taco... On second thought, maybe not, the last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it. The bun was not buttered or toasted... But the lobster had a bright red color to it, though. Maybe the taste will make up for the size... Took a bite... Nothing, tasted absolutely like nothing. Where's the touch of mayo? Did they literally dip their finger in the mayo jar and touch the lobster with it... It was unseasoned, bland, tasted like it's been vacationing in a vacuum pack for weeks. Maybe I shoulda got the Connecticut version bathe in butter... Maybe I shoulda kept on driving... Off a cliff. The slaw was bland as well and tasted like chewing on cut up plastic straws... Wait, maybe it was straw not slaw. Even the pickle was bad. Why did they wrap the pickle? Maybe they didn't want to embarrass me...

Crab Roll- North Atlantic crab, served chilled, touch of mayo, New England style roll. I didn't know crab had pubic hair... There's a lot of seascaping on this bun. Not a lump of crabmeat in sight... It looked like they opened a can of Bumble Bee crabmeat and tossed it in a bowl to fluff it up and stuffed it in the bun. First off, there was zero taste to it and bland as fuck. It was like eating the stuffing that my dog pulled out from her dog bed. At least spray some perfume on it so I can pretend I'm eating out Betty White or some silver haired hag at least. $15 for this sad ass mons pubis of crab. Not even Flick would triple dog dare you to eat this. And the bucket of straws made another appearance... But the pickle was unwrapped this time, there's gotta be a riddle in there somewhere.

Maine Fried Clams- whole belly Maine clams, fries, lemon and house made tartar sauce. I was actually more interested in the fried clams with bellies than the lobster roll. When I saw this on the menu, I knew I had to have it... But I also had some reservations since I had the same excitement for the fried clams with bellies at Beetlecat which turned out to be a total dud. I wasn't expecting much initially, but when I saw the price (almost $18), they better put up or shut up... And this is what came out. All batter and crust with tiny clam strips and even tinier bellies if you could even find any in that basket... Is it me or does it look like I'm eating someone else's leftovers out of a trash can? Hey, I'm not above that. More than half of the basket was fries and only a handful of thick fried batter with clam bits. The lemon gave it a little zing but it woulda been nice if I had some tartar sauce to dip these funnel cake trimmings in. A total disappointment but what else is new... No one has yet put out a proper fried clams with bellies in this one horse town and it's a travesty.

The entire experience from start to finish was unbearable... To pay that much for shitty service and really poorly executed product almost made me vomit... But I didn't because it cost too much to flush it down the toilet, I'll wait for the full cycle and let it come out violently on the other end. It's too bad they are more interested in showing off pictures of themselves with celebrities rather than focusing on their product. I was gonna post some pics of their pics of themselves all over the walls but I ain't giving them free PR. They are very proud of appearing on Shark Tank and want to make sure everyone knows about it... But they are not really interested in the product they're selling, it's just an after thought. They should sell this low rent slop in the As Seen On TV section in Walmart.
I wouldn't hold my breath on their sustainability at Lenox mall, they got the entire demographics for this type of product totally wrong in here. It's a big ticket item in a low rent environment, maybe Barbara will fork out some more money to float this gimmick in this shark tank for another couple of months. I still can't believe I forked out $60 for this shit... Got suckered in again!
Y'all know how much Popeyes I could get for $60? I would have spicy thighs coming out of my ears for 3 days. Don't even waste your time fighting the traffic and crowds for this slop... Let's face it, there is absolutely nothing edible in this mall.

3393 Peachtree Road NE
Atlanta, GA 30326
www.cousinsmainelobster.com

The Boss Burger

The pedestrian world has been turned upside down with the recent announcement that IHOP is changing it's name to IHOb for a temporary PR stunt that got the entire interwebverse guessing what it could be... A great perturbance was felt in the trailer parks, as if millions of pervy peckerwoods suddenly cried out in toothless terror, and were suddenly silenced when their wooden dentures fell out. I fear something terrible will happened to IHOb. I don't even know when the last time I was in an IHOP for the pancakes let alone the burgers... But they shoulda changed it to IHOBO instead because half of the people eating and working in there look more homeless than Danny Bonaduce.
Speaking of douches and burgers, Chili's has been trying to work on their burger game, again. So, they unveiled this abomination they call the "THE BOSS" in a few test markets a couple of months ago, they shoulda named it the BEAST, instead... Because it's made up with 5 different types of meats and has a total of 1,650 calories and they actually dare you to take the challenge for $14.49... "Can you CONQUER THE BOSS?" Jesus fucking Christ, are you shittin' me? ...More like he will be shittin' on me after inhaling that creasture. If this is not a desperate cry for help, I don't know what is... Depression is a serious mental health issue these days and the Pouch is all about helping others. But I couldn't help people off the ledge since they were not in the Atlanta market yet... Until now. It's time for the Pouch to do it's good deed for it's one reader... Even though, this burger prolly won't do any good for my bowels.
Walked into the Toco Hill location late one Friday night after boozing alone in my bathroom with the vent fan on high and it was a total shitshow... And depressing as fuck. The place looked like the afterbirth of a BDSM show at The Chamber. It was filled with low rent mutts of all sorts... Which included the workers, patrons and this fat fuck. How the fuck is this dump still in business? It looks filthy, it smells rancid, and it feels sticky like the underbelly of a subway seat. Speaking of underbelly, I was even scared to sit in the bar area, where did all these obeast mutants come from and why are they intown? After waiting 8 minzies to be seated in the back dining room, I waited another 22 minzies for a server to drop off the menus and then another 9 minz for them to take my order. I never got that whiskey cocktail which was probably a blessing in disguise... Hell, I already knew there will be a lot of blessings of their hearts on this journey. I was so over it already and was about to walk out... Then this motherfucking behemoth came out in like 5 minutes. Before we tackle the challenge, let's take a quick look of the advertisement for their new baby before we dig into it...

The caption reads: "THE BOSS. The burger all other burgers report to. Smoked brisket, rib meat, jalapeño-cheddar smoked sausage, bacon, cheddar, lettuce & tomato, House BBQ and house-made ranch. We. Dare. You. 14.49"
I think they forgot something. Where the fuck is the burger.. It didn't report in, did it go AWOL like I was about to 5 minzies ago? For almost $15, this better include the burger...

First thing I noticed was the burger patty which was a good sign. I asked for mid-rare twice, stressing it on a third time when I ordered it. Hopefully, they heard me correctly. Tis was a tall ass burger and held together with a wooden dowel in the center instead of a steak knife like in the picture. Comes with pickles and fries... Whatever, filler. I'm here for the manmeat challenge, not some dweeby root vegetables. While it looked impressive on first glance, it's time to take a closer look.

Let's deconstruct this Boss Hog- Top bun, bacon, jalapeno sausage, pulled rib meat, brisket, cheddar cheese, beef patty, tomato, lettuce, ranch, BBQ sauce, bottom bun... And everything looked dried out except for the watery ranch that dripped off the manmeat like dick cheese. There's no fucking way anyone can eat this like a normal burger... Not even the most experienced cocksucker can get a little bit of everything in one bite. I cut this thing in half to see the temp of the burger and as expected they don't speak English, they just nodded their heads like they understood what mid-rare was... The patty was as gray as the bottom of my fire pit. But it may not have been a bad thing... Do I really want mid-rare meat in this joint? Maybe if I wanted an instant case of IBS-D... Even if I did, it wouldn't have showed in this joint. The entire thing was cooked way in advance and assembled to order with dried out pieces of meat or globs of fat on the brisket. There's nothing boss about this burger except the price... The real challenge here is not that if you can eat it all, it's if you're smart enough to walk away from the challenge or not to even step foot into this dump in the first place.

Sampler Platter- Fried pickles, onion rings and chicken crispers. After that dismal display of dried up manhood, this appetizer sampler platter fared way better. Everything was crispy and tasted freshly fried. Some times the most boring items are the best items in places like this.

Bottomline: The Boss Burger bombed big time. If I'm gonna inhale 1650 calories in one sitting, at least make it worth my while in this shithole. This was one of the worst dining experiences in a very long time and that's tough to beat with all the awful chain restos out there. I swear, challenges like this will be the death of me... Not that being obeast  already and eating Popeyes on a weekly basis won't do me in first. But I will continue to take on any challenge for my one fan and for the children, unless my hooves get another bout of gout... Then I'll have Uber deliver it and feed me.

Shit, IHOb just announced a burger challenge... FML. Okay, I'll do it...

Flush.

tABI SUSHI

No... The weird lowercase uppercase name ain't a typo. It's how they have it on their website... Someone musta fat finga'd that gash big time. And speaking of website, they have declared themselves to have "Decatur's freshest sushi." That is a big claim with Brush being so close by. I know for a fact that Brush has some of the best sushi in Atlanta, let alone just in Decatur. And now, it sounds like they have a big time competitor in their mist with that bold claim.
So, this is a concept change by the same owners of Smoke+Duck Sauce... I was never a big fan of the place, it was just too weird, they were trying to push fusion to a whole new level but it fell flat for me. After awhile, I guess they realized it wasn't working in this location so they went back to a normal sushi/ramen/fusion concept. It may look normal and familiar at first but once you start flipping through the pages of the menu you will notice they are trying to please everybody. You start with the sushi, makimonos and house specialty rolls then the ramen and some izakaya items like ankimo and karaage, then there's teriyaki, Japanese kare rice, traditional fried rice, Indonesian fried rice, island noodles... And if that's not enough, "We can do spicy as your likin'". Spicy level from 1 to 10 is available for anything on the menu. Jesus, can they create a concept that is more confusing than the first? 
Since, I was in the area, I stopped in to see what the fuss was about and to sample a few things. They were also "offering customers half off all dine-in sushi through next Friday, June 8."... Shit, why the fuck not, ese. Let's go take a gander... The place looked basically the same as before except that they put in a counter top sooshee cooler. The more I looked around the more depressed I got... And the smell, it was like dining in a janitor's closet. Sat down and examined the menu more closely... There is no tonkotsu ramen. WTF. They don't even have chashu or anything pork related on the menu. Fuck me, don't tell me they're Jewish and don't dig on swine... This religious freedom bullshit has gone too far. You can't have ramen without pork bones and chashu, motherfuckers! 
Why do shit like this always happen to me... How the fuck do I get into these predicaments... Wait, why would you open a Japanese joint with no pork, that's like opening a burger joint serving only the impossible burger. Shit, since I'm here already I might as well subject this fat body to another dose of IBS-D for my one reader... I'm doing this for the childrens.
C'mon, it can't be that bad, right? ...Famous last words.

Ginger Salad, Miso Soup. Look at these two retards... A match made in special orympics. I can already tell that instant miso soup is so fucking watered down. The ginger dressing looked like my dog's vomit after eating a rotten pumpkin. Ok, the ginger dressing wasn't that bad since it was factory made. The greens were fine, didn't notice any slimy brown spots. The miso soup was... Well, let's just say they wouldn't even serve that swill at a soup kitchen, even they have some standards.

*Sushi 2, 7 pieces nigiri and tuna roll. When this arrived at the table, I had an instant craving for Publix sooshee all of the sudden... This exhibit looked like they pulled this from the window display case. Is it real or plastic? Look at that dismal display... Can they use a smaller plate to jam all the pieces together. It's like the cook was trying to create a sushi Voltron... This presentation almost made me Vomit. The nigiri was warm and it brought back repressed memories of the hives I got from eating warm sushi from some sushi dump in midtown years ago. I was already preparing myself to slam down 6 Benadryls when I got home. The rice on the tuna roll which were pressed against each other like mahjong pieces were all stuck together... When you try to pull them apart, it unraveled like a fruit roll up. Speaking of which the tuna inside kinda tasted like a gummy fruit roll. The fish on the nigiri wasn't putrid but it was like eating your mate's sloppy seconds on the same night... I wouldn't have mind it if I was drunk but I was still fucking sober... This is one of those times when you wished you were beer goggling. Instead of doing the walk of shame the next morning, I did it like 20 minzies later. The sooshee here is not good, don't even waste your time when Publix is down the street.
Let's do a quick picture comparison of "Decatur's freshest sushi" with Brush Sushi 5 minutes away...

Can anyone tell the difference between the Brush sampler vs. tABI sampler? I know it's a tough call between the two but I'm gonna have to give it to Brush's nigiri sampler. Let's see what other goodies we have in store for Decatur's newest and freshest sushi...

Spider Roll, soft shell crab, cucumber, eel sauce. This may be the only roll that I will eat and pay for but what's wrong with this picture? Where the fuck are the crab legs? Dissected a piece and it turned out to be a shrimp tempura roll. Took a bite and the shrimp was so dried out and rubbery like it was deep fried during prep and kept in a warm box for hours... Boy, I wished I had some eel sauce to soften it and mask the non-existent flavor with a heavy drizzle of over cloyingly sweet brown sauce. The server was nice enough to go find out what kinda creasture it was and she comes back with an incredible answer... She said the chef told her it was, ready for this... Lobster. Motherfuckers... Not only do you do a bait and switch, but you also have the balls to insult my intelligence. Ok, I'm not a smart man but I know what lobster is. They try to make it look like they did me a favor with a higher cost item. I took the ebi from the nigiri sampler and put it next to the "lobster" I pulled out and they looked exactly the same and they were still adamant that it was lobster. We just hit rock bottom, nowhere else to go except up... Right? Let's try the ramen...

Shoyu Ramen with Brisket. So, I asked the server why they don't have tonkotsu or chashu up in this piece... She says the owner doesn't like pork. So, what's the ramen broth base then... Chicken? She replies, fish. I'm like what other broth base do you have? She says that's it, it's just fish broth. You use fish broth even if you got the brisket or oxtail ramen? Yep. This is incredible... I have never witnessed this ever in my life. Come to think of it, there was no pork to be found anywhere on the menus. I get it now... The Indonesian fried rice gave it away. Thank god we have religious freedom here or else people would be demanding them to make a pork broth. Ok, let's get to the ramen... The brisket actually looked pretty decent. Took a bite and it was pretty good, I couldn't believe it, this was the first edible thing all night. Could it get better? I like how they give you a full egg cut in half, ok, it wasn't as runny as I would have liked it but it worked. The menma was very average, flavorless and textureless, it added nothing to this sparse bowl of noodles. The ramen noodles itself was toothy and had a decent bite... It's no Sun Noodle but it was acceptable and edible at least. The shoyu fish broth was weak as fuck. It did nothing except to keep the ingredients moist and they had the balls to charge $14 for this sad ass bowl. I can doctor up a good instant ramen for like $2 and it would totally destroy this overpriced lackluster bowl of wet noods. Don't even waste your time with the ramen here because it ain't ramen.

I would rather they kept the Smoke+Duck Sauce theme than to spend time and money to change the concept to try to appease the demographics with really pedestrian and middling Japanese food... Shit, this is not even close. Golden Corral is more Japanese than this joint, at least they have pork. Desperate times call for desperate means... And this ain't it. Leave the sushi and ramen to the professionals. What a shame and what a waste of resto space that coulda been so much more for this area. They didn't even honor the 1/2 off sooshee... Maybe that's because it wasn't sushi. It's a win win for them! Bless their heart.

2641 N Decatur Rd
Decatur, GA 30033
https://www.tabisushi.com/