"Become Flamous! Take the Challenge"
Aww, how cute... Just like how I like my cheekan, flaming. So, I was up in Chattanooga for some event that involved bland food and no whiskey... After that sobering event, I needed something that had intense flavor and fwied cheekan... aka Hot Cheekan. But I was no where near Nashville and Hattie B's ain't open yet in Atlanta. Then I remembered there was a Bolton's in this low rent town. The only problem was that Bolton's changed their name to The Flaming Rooster... Why? Who the fuck knows, but it prolly involved a family dispute and money. So, the menu basically hasn't changed, they still do the spicy dry rub vs. the spicy oil that we all know and love with Nashville Hot Chicken.
I really don't care if it's dry or wet as long as the cheekan is crispy, crunchy, juicy, tender and fucking hot as balls. I had to see what the fuss was about up in this piece and the $1 beers didn't sway my decision to come here, either... Ok, maybe a little bit. But I was here for the cheekan... And I needed my hot chicken fix, STAT. Walked around the building, there's no visible front door just 2 side doors, one on the side and one in the front. Well, I got a 50/50 shot to see which one will open. Ok, it took me two tries to get into this joint. No wonder it was dead in there... No one can figure how to get into the fucking place. Sat at the bar, looked at the menu and grabbed a $1 Corona pony... Too bad they didn't have tequila and a lime or else it woulda been Grizz time. I wasn't in the mood for their 6 wings, no sides, no drinks, hotter than hot dry rub challenge within 5 minzies... But I was in the mood for their Oh Hale Naw spicy level. Let's go get a taste and see how they compare to the previous Bolton's...
This was not the front door but it was colorfully decorated. All the windows out front were tinted like a Vietnamese massage parlor. The pouch better fucking get a happy ending... With a pouch full of spicy yum yums.
My eyeballs went straight to the Hot Meter... From Sprinkle to Oh Hale Naw! Guess what heat level the pouch will be getting... Like there was any question.
Is the cheekan that flaming hot that people just can't take the heat or those were just their only customers? The wall was pretty sparse... Now, my juices were flowing and hope they ain't just pulling my leg about how spicy their chicken is.
Leg Quarter with Oh Hale Naw! spicy level, mac and fries. The color of the dry rub looked pretty formidable... A deep red grainy coating covered every inch of the leg quarter... I was getting excited until I looked over at the mac and gave me instant whiskey dick. It was all dried out and I had more cheese between my toes than the elbows on this plate. The standard crinkle fries were cold, hard and dried out in the center. I could care less about the sides if the chicken delivered the heat as promised. Let's take a closer look at the dry rub and crust...
Looks fucking great doesn't it? Tried to rip the leg and thigh apart and it was like a Bowflex rod... That motherclucker wouldn't break apart, it was like twisting and pulling on a Stretch Armstrong. When I finally twisted that thing apart like bending metal, I was rewarded with an ultra dried out piece of chicken. The meat inside literally shrank into little shards of chicken jerky but the crust stayed perfectly intact to give the illusion it was a succulent piece of chicken that had that perfect crunch to juicy meat ratio. How could something that looked so good on the outside tasted like a mummified clubfoot. Maybe they cooked it in an Easy Bake Oven like you do with Shrinky Dinks. Oh, what about the hottest spicy level you ask? It was a joke, the first bite gave you a nice little kick while you're getting used to the dry rub that makes your throat scratchy, but the heat peaked so quickly after the 3rd or 4th bite, it tasted more and more like Old Bay with extra cayenne added. This coulda been an one off fuck up but I highly doubt it... It seemed like they pre-fried a ton of chicken and stored them in a warm box to be dehydrated for the next life. This piece of chicken looked like it was sitting in the back corner for days. Jesus, that cheekan sucked so much ass... It's almost embarrassing that their entire concept revolves around one thing, hot cheekan, and it failed miserably.
Wings with Sprinkle, green beans. After that leg quarter disaster, I was not expecting much with these wings. I got them with just a sprinkle of the heat just to see if it was the same dry rub but with less applied. I was hoping that it was similar to Popeye's Cajun Sprinkle which is fucking awesome. These wings were a lot better than the leg quarter (read: edible) but they were still kinda dried out. It wasn't total dog shit but I would never order them again just to be on the safe side. The green beans were pedestrian at best and it was the best tasting thing so far... Yeah, it's going that well. Ok, what's the next dish to torture me some more...
Tenders, plain with coleslaw. Ok, let me get this outta the way first, the slaw was average at best and liquidity. The tenders looked pretty decent and plump, it had nice color and a nice crust. I wanted them naked to taste the natural flavor without any seasonings to cover up any short comings. Took a bite and these mothercluckers were also dried out. What the fuck is going on in here... Do they not cook anything to order? I'm still wondering why my order took 30 minzies to get out. I had to use regular old hot sauce just to give it some moisture and that still didn't help much. I'm fucking over it... All of it. I couldn't even give away the leftovers to a hobo outside because there were none, they were all hanging out by the dumpster at Bojangles' down the street... Smart vagrants.
I was really excited to come here hoping for some kick ass ghetto hot cheekan like at Bolton's but the three different kinds of fried chicken and sides sampled were so disappointing that I had to write this up quickly before I purge them out of my memory and out of my flaming rooster lips... I could only imagine what would happen to my bowels if I also had the fish that was fried and dried days ago.
Flush.
3202 Brainerd Rd
Chattanooga, TN 37411
http://flamingrooster.strikingly.com/
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