The pouch was craving some thick juicy raw manmeat and there was no fucking way I was going back to LongHorn for their legendary steak so soon after I found one of Frankenstein's neck bolts in my Caesar salad... No matter how many mouth watering commercials I see on the TV with their chubby sizzling meatpuck spraying juicy grease all over the screen. It was tempting but I wasn't in the mood to bite into a Bosch spark plug in my chili cheese fries so soon. I needed expertly prepared manmeat without the worry of finding HVAC parts in my food... So, the second thought that came into my tiny pea brain for a hunky piece of beefcake was Kaiser's cowboy ribeye. Shit, why not, I needed to make a revisit anyways and see if they are still as good as my first visit. This joint ain't cheap but fuck it, what else am I gonna splurge on with my $50,000 millionaire budget. Jesus, who am I kidding? I can barely afford to eat here, let alone get to upstate Atlanta with gas prices these days. Maybe they're on Scoutmob, perhaps they will give me a discount or freebies with my old Yelp Elite card... Shit, they are not on Scoutmob... And they don't have a People Love Us on Yelp sticker on the door, either. Well, I guess the next best thing to a free meal is a credit card under somebody else's name... Thanks, Equifax! Suckaz...
Let's make an anonymous revisit and see how things are going these days...
A pretty decent Manhattan that was just boozy enough to get the pouch buzzed... Ok, maybe after 3 or 4 of them. Their bread plate thinger is still pretty tasty.
Snake River Wagyu Eye of the Round Steak Tartar. The first time I had it was pretty damn good, on this visit it was just as good as the first time. The little cubes of properly seasoned raw meat had a nice texture and bite to it. Can't really ask for more from this... I would prolly order this every time.
Hamachi. You know this classic Nobu dish has jumped the shark when a suburban steakhouse has this on their menu. It looked like a total confetti mess but once you dig in there for the hamachi, it was pretty good. But I don't know if it's a dish I would want to order every time.
Beef & Veal Meatballs Napoli. I don't even know how meatballs and sauce became a thing and started showing up as an appetizer on menus... Maybe it's from all these retards claiming to be gluten intolerant or whatever condition they made up for the season to socially cool... It's like putting a burger patty with ketchup as an app on the menu just to satisfy these numbnuts. But as for the meatballs, there were pretty good. It's kinda hard to fuck up meatballs and tomato sauce... Unless you used sawdust in the meat filler.
Beef Carpaccio. The best thing about this dish was that the meatflaps were not premade on the plate and tossed into a reach in... They did not stick to the plate and you could actually lift it off the plate to enjoy it anyway you like. Most places premake the plates and they just stick to the plate and breaks apart when you try to peel it off. Overall, this was pretty good just because of that reason alone.
Wine break... This was a pretty solid bottle of cab from Napa Valley... Of course, it was marked up like 300%, but I still drank it without too much anxiety. This was like a pouch lubricant, it got me in the mood to swallow down some imminent massive manmeat...
Barrel Cut Beef Filet 6 oz., foie gras. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to sample their classic filet cut since I didn't know when I would be back... It was a nice little snack size puck of meat, but I had to add in the foie gras before those anti-'murica anti-liver antifa-shionistas spread their virus and bad fashion sense to the east coast and force a ban on this buttery delicacy. The presentation was a total snoozer, they just put the meat on giant empty white plate with the foie on top... But it was just a snack after all so I was totally ok with it. The perfect mid-rare filet was seasoned well and tender as fuck. Let the foie lobe sit on top for a bit to drip it's fat juices all over that ladyboymeat which will make it taste even more decadent. The filet ain't my first choice at a steakhouse because it's such a girly petite cut but damn, if it tastes as good as this, I would totally put a skirt on for it, even some Spanx to cover my muffin top.
KC Spaetzle w/ Onions Gruyere, Granny’s Creamed Corn, Grilled Asparagus w/ Aged Balsamic, Fried Onion Rings w/ KC Steak Sauce, Whipped Potatoes, Big Elbow Mac & Cheese, Mushroom Risotto. Jesus Christ, no amount of Spanx will cover up my muffin pouch with this spread of sides on the table... This is just obscene. How fucking much food can the pouch consume... Wait, don't answer that question. Everything on this table was good except the giant onion rings... I fucking hate giant onion rings, it just doesn't make sense. You just simply can't fit that shit into your cum dumpster with that girthy diameter. And we all know that it's sacrilegious to cut up onion rings into bite size pieces because they just break apart into pieces. It's like cutting up a footlong, you just don't do it.
Kaiser's did it again... This joint had another very respectable showing of the talent in the kitchen and the quality of the ingredients spoke for themselves. The pouch was left happy, buzzed and bloated after this spread... Until the check came... Oh, excuse me, I need to wash my hands cuz I just soiled my underpants... Then I realized the name on my new credit card was John Cock... tos... ton. And we all know how generous those Scotch/Romanians are when it comes to splurging on dinner like caviar, lobster thermidor, Dom Perignon, bloody mary, steak sandwich and a steak sandwich... But tonight, the Underhills will be paying the tab.
5975 Roswell Rd
Sandy Springs, GA 30328
https://www.kaiserschophouse.com/
1 comment:
Besides the Underhills... Mr. Poon and Frieda's boss.
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