Old Hickory House

So, I was at the Target in Northlake where that nutjob skank shot a dude because of parking lot rage... Luckily, I left before I had a chance to take that bitch down like a bag of rusty hammers. I was already across the street to check out the new mall with Dick's, Sprouts, DSW, Ross and Hobby Lobby... It's crazy how much new shit they are building around this dumpy area, but it's getting nicer and nicer... Except for the rundown strip mall next to it... It's an absolutely hellhole. The motel next to it is fucking gross, the outside looks like the Bate's Motel or any spring break hotel in Panama City Beach. The entire structure of this shit brown mall is basically falling apart... But what's with all the cars parked at the end? What the fuck is going on in there... Wait, it's a fucking BBQ joint? Old Hickory House... Sounds like a goddamn children's song. Where's the old woman who lived in a shoe? Speaking of old shoes... This place looked and smelled like it. I didn't think this place was even still around... I think a long time ago they had a few of these dotted across Atlanta's landscape but I never had the desire to go in. I think this may be the last one standing since the Dunwoody location closed down a few years ago. Jesus, this place is so run down... I'm kinda skeered to go inside, I may need to go back to the car and pack some extra heat just in case if there were any rabiefied critters nesting in there. But since, this may be my last chance ever to put some "South in your mouth", I knew I had to take off the skirt and grow some hairy balls and just bite the bullet.
Opened the door and a giant whiff of hickory smoke hits me... I'm like WTF, could this be good? Then a bunch of old people started running out like a zombie herd... I'm like, fuck, this ain't a BBQ joint, it's a fucking crematory... Run, geezers, run! After the blue haired bandits bolted out to live another day, I was still curious about this place... So, I walked in against my better judgement. I was in awe of this musty, crusty, wood paneled old school joint that I just had to explore further. I did not want to sit at a table because I was scared of the children of the corn sitting back there in the dark. I went straight to the counter where there were lights above... At least I can see my death coming. I'm coming Elizabeth, this is the big one! Speaking of the big one... There was some type of large smoker or grill right behind the server station, you can barely see it but there is a good amount of smoke residue on the bricks above it. Seems to be a good sign and the smell of smoke made me feel a little bit more comfortable about ordering the meats, shit, basically anything in here.
The menu is pretty much your standard BBQ country joint and the staff here are lovely old country ladies with a twang. Nothing on the menu seemed to be ground breaking or anything that would start up some new trend that the millennials will blindly jump on. It's just plain old school country chow... And the patrons reflected the food being served here... Old school. But my one reader knows that I will risk life and muffin top for that one last meal and review... Let's go take a look before they die off like most of their patrons...

View from the front counter... What a beautiful view. Do y'all need me to prep any mise en place?

 

People Pleaser- Platter Combination of sliced BBQ pork, beef and extra meaty loin ribs with Brunswick stew and mac n cheese. Of course, I had to order the "sampler", there was no fucking way in hell that I would be coming back anytime soon to try different meats on each visit. It didn't look too bad when it came but that's because I was focused on the Brunswick stew and ignoring every thing else. Let's take a look at the sides first... Took a bite of the stew... Shit, this ain't that bad, it's actually pretty decent. It had a lot of texture in there and it was pretty meaty with a nice little tang to it but it needed lima beans to complete the circle. The mac n cheese was pretty much your average country hillbilly slop that can be gummed down and processed. I don't even know if that was real cheese but I did like that they still used old school elbow mac and not trying be all hipster BBQ using giant shells or rigatoni... But it didn't make it taste any better. Their one and only BBQ sauce is their own housemade version which was kinda tangy and vinegary, it's obviously used liberally in the Brunswick stew. Ok, now, it's time to take a look at the smoked meats... This is where I'm getting afraid... Afraid that I may become a cannibal unwittingly after eating this grey mass. Shit, human, dog, cat... It's all the same to the pouch, I ain't scared... While I'm wetting my underpants.

Up close and personal... Anyone got a vomit bag? Oh, wait, the PC liberal term is travel & motion sickness bag... Ok, whatever, douchebag. Look at the color of the meat... That is not natural unless it's in the morgue. Did this meat come from a retarded Okja? It smelled kinda smokey but there was no smoke ring anywhere to be found... But we all know that menthols usually doesn't produce a proper smoke ring, only a cool breeze... And all the meats were cold or room temp. I could not tell the difference between the pork and beef, so, I went for the ribs first. It didn't tear apart so I had to use a knife to cut off a rib which required more effort than it should have. The rib had some pink meat in there and it was edible... I use that term very lightly. If I was on Naked and Afraid, I would inhaled that, bone and all. But in a somewhat civilized society, this rib was pretty much sub-average. It wasn't a good rib and now, I'm terrified for what was to come next... I really don't want to eat furniture sliders or a petrified cow muffin. But I had to for my one fan... Let's just say that I rather eat out that old hag in the corner table than that dried out "sliced beef"... At least her meat flaps still had some circulation running through it for moisture. I'm still not confident that it was beef, but let's take a look at the "pork" carcass... Flipped it over and the meat was basically mummified. Shit, it kinda reminded me of King Tut's knee cap and it didn't look like a baby's face like on most chicks' knees. It was extremely dried out and soaking it in their house BBQ sauce did nothing to reanimate this mummy. This was some of the worst BBQ I have ever tasted that supposedly was smoked in house on premises... Who knows, maybe they gave me the dog scraps and thought I wouldn't know any better since I was an outlander in these here parts. But either way, this was absolutely putrid. I wouldn't even use this shit as bait, that would just be barbaric. How do these old hillbillies in here eat this shit with their wooden teeth?

The sampler also came with garlic bread... Which wasn't garlicky, it was just soaked in butter or old grease. Pretty much your standard old buttered toast... At least it was edible.

Country fried steak smothered in gravy, squash casserole, green beans. You can't go to an old school Southern joint without trying the country fwied steak.... But sweet Jesus, is that tempered semi-sweet chocolate on top or mole? I  have never seen a shade of gravy like that in my entire miserable existence until now. What the fuck is that made of... Recycled 10W-30 mixed with power steering fluid? Christ, no wonder why these mossbacks are all inbred looking. I'm not even touching that specimen yet... The green beans at least resembled something that came from a can. And it was ok tasting, not that I would ever get it again but it was edible. The squash casserole was just all mush, it coulda been chitlins mixed with a can of creamed corn and none would be the wiser. Goddamn it, I ran out of things to stick at with my fork and now I must try the CFS... Cut a small piece with as little mole as possible... Took a bite... Meh, it was all breading and barely any meat. It coulda been floured hockey pucks for all I know. If it looks like a plate of Train Spotting then it can't be too far off from the taste of it. 

Corn Bread Muffins. The CFS came with these things that looked like old round screw in plug fuses from the 50's. Maybe I will find Jimmy Hoffa's fingers in there. Just like everything else in here, they were nothing special. Maybe you can use them to plug your ears from the screams of the dogs being slaughtered in the back.
 

Banana Pudding. Fuck, I am just a glutton for punishment... Keyword being glutton. Look at this fucking creasture... Where did they scoop this slop up from... A fat bucket from a back alley lipo surgeon? One bite and into the trash it went... I don't think raccoons will even dig this out.

How the fuck did this place last for so long? Their demographics are mostly extinct. There's no fucking way anyone is coming here for the food and paying for it. I got suckered in once again and curiosity killed the pouch... I was shitting bricks for a day. No wonder why all the other locations have closed down... This is the last remaining location and with all the new developments being built around here, it will only be a matter of time before this low rent strip mall gets torn down... Along with this dumpy BBQ joint. So, get your filthy facehole filled while they're still breathing... There's an empty stool at the counter just for my one reader. Speaking of stool... I feel Mr. Hanky knocking on my back door again.

Flush.

2202 Northlake Pkwy
Tucker, GA 30084