A-Priori Seafood

 A Priori. adj. - Logic relating to or involving deductive reasoning from a general principle to the expected facts or effects.

Who names a restaurant with an adjective? The simple meaning is formed or conceived beforehand... I think I already know the outcome here before I have even tasted the grub. They seem like nice people but you know where they usually end up. I don't know what their culinary background in Russia is but they obviously like seafood. And we all know seafood requires a particular set of skills, skills acquired over a very long career to prepare and execute well. People never cook seafood at home because they don't know what the fuck they're doing most of the time. I had friends do dinner parties and try to pull off some French dishes involving fish and they murdered and butchered the delicate flesh like they were mashing potato... I sat there stunned like an opossum playing dead when they tried to cover their ass and said it was a fish mousseline, it still tasted like a fresh diaper. Shit, even the cooktestants on Hell's Kitchen can't even sear off a friggin scallop. So, without further ado, let's take a whack at this very strange exhibit... Pouch needs lunch.

"Chef" freebies... It's a nice gesture but unless it's from Robuchon, there's something fishy about it. Distraction is a useful tactic in many applications from the battlefield to marketing to the kitchen. This kitchen deployed these warm and fuzzies to get on your good side. But your mind powers don't work on me, boy. There's cheese bread sticks, some marinara with mascarpone-like substance and fried clam tasting spoons. The bread sticks were from a box in the freezer section, the tomato sauce thing was bright and vibrant in color and helped mask the freezer burn taste of the sticks, and the tiny fried clam thing left me scratching my head between my legs. I had an itch. Nothing was really palatable and this may have doomed them from the start.

For shits and giggles, I tried reassembling the bread sticks like how it came in the packaging and I had a perfect fit... Too bad they couldn't even cut on the dotted line. I feel so bad for these poor poor folks, I know they wanted to please but c'mon, stop trying so hard to impress.

Paella. I'm not a smart man, but I know what paella is... Besides the large Bubba Gump skrimpz, everything in this bowl was middling at best. The hard chicken chunks were days old, the andouille sausage slices looked good but went down unforgivigly. The clams and mussels were in attendance but were longing for the day when they will see the sea again instead of the bottom of a trash can. The crunchy rice used in this paella seemed almost like arborio, undercooked and barely warm, nothing in this bowl was hot temp wise. Henry Ford would be proud that his assembly line was playing such a huge role in the making of this dish. If this could be called a paella, it coulda been called a seafood fried rice as well... But the fried rice wouldn't cost a lofty $17.

Lobster Roll. I am a total sucka for a lobster roll, you put it on the menu, I am fucking there. But look at this sad sea creasture, it may very well be the worst insult I have ever sustained in my pouch's entire existence... And I had many a shitty lobster rolls in this town. For $16 (even though it was advertised for $10 online), you would think this would be well executed and edible. I don't know how many lobster rolls they serve in Russia but clearly it ain't enough. I was given a bread option for this specimen (does it come with a roll of TP, also? Seriously, it had nothing to do with scarce bread situation in Russia but the coincidence is uncanny)... Croissant, sliced white bread or wheat bun. I said give me something that resembles a roll. This was amazing, I have never had an option on bread for a lobster roll... I wished I was given a rice option for the paella, I woulda picked basamati. But let's get back to this abortion. The super dry unbuttered wheat bun looked like it was stuck half way in an E-Z Bake oven. The filler was about half a cup of old rock hard lobster meat that had the texture and chew factor of Gummi bears, the amount of celery made it look more like a salad with lobster bits. Chewing on this went on for what seemed like forever just to break it down to swallow it. I should have used my 3 chew test, more than 3 chews, it gets spat into a napkin. The brown bag fries were limp and cold inside with that undercooked gummy texture. It still baffles the mind how anyone with even the slightest level of kitchen experience can tell that is not what you serve paying customers, especially, for $16. A $3 banh mi destroys this in taste, flavor, texture and freshness. But they did use two fancy tootpicks to hold this beast together, perhaps it was there in hopes that you wouldn't be able to open it.

Based on this initial sampling of their talent in the seafood arena, this lunch was bewildering and painful. How could this be so bad when the Yelp boards are 5 stars across the board... Yes, I said Yelp. True, I haven't tried the other fish dishes but this perplexing sampling doesn't exactly makes one want to go back and endure another mouth beating and a bout of IBS. I hope they can right their very very wrongs in the seafood department because I wouldn't mind going back to drink in the cute Russian broads in their dated black and white server garb. Maybe the next concept in this space will keep the same decor as Tairyou, the sushi boats really makes this place.

5953 Buford Hwy
Atlanta, GA 30340
678-615-3104