The Dutch

Like all New Yorkers, I hate Brunch. The whole Brunch concept is so contrived. Is it breakfast or lunch... Do I put a napkin on my lap like the civilized ladies on Downton Abbey or not... If I go early in the morning do I eat Linner or Lupper later? Then what do I do about Dinner? Brunch is such a girls' thing. Those nitwits from Sex in the City do Brunch all the time and talk about bullshit that doesn't concern me or the human race. But sometimes you have no choice because the restaurant only offers Brunch on the weekends. I'm in a dilemma here, do I eat here or do dim sum instead? Which is basically Chinese Brunch (fuck, I'm so screwed). Then I saw on their Brunch menu.... Hot fried cheekan. Sold! Sign me up, you Yentas...

HOT FRIED CHICKEN, HONEY BUTTER BISCUIT. Holy fuck, Colonel Cluckers. First of all, they make their own hot sauce which tells me they got balls... Big hairy ones. But is it any good like my Lick My Balls hot sauce that could be found sometimes at Heirloom BBQ... Not even close, bro. It's got some heat but nothing near the 'tear you a new asshole' heat that I crave for. Thanks for playing, here's a trophy, now run along, Timmy. Let's get to the good stuff, the fwied cheekan. It is a hefty portion, an entire half a bird, double battered and deep fried to 'perfection' (like how Golden Corral does it). I shit you not, this is a good ghetto pigeon, a very good one. Some people don't like heavier crusts, I say fuck that. That's basically the best part. It's like foul crack, can't get enough of that shit. The honey butter biscuit were even better than Popeyes' biscuits that just came right out of the oven, is this a dream? This is like a wet dream to me... Except the coleslaw was pretty lame. Hell, who eats coleslaw anyways, give it to the help, Lord Crawley.

ALMOND FRENCH TOAST, BANANAS FOSTER. Thick ass cut bread and super sweet bananas and caramel sauce. Someone get me a new pair of pants, my ass just exploded. If you like sweet and savory, this is for you... I'll have a bite, I'm on a diet.

BAKED EGGS, BARBECUE SHORT RIB, CHIPOTLE BEAN. Looks like some fancy southwestern dish you find on the border. Baked eggs seemed more like poached eggs but well executed. Short ribs under that mess was tender and flavorful. This looks like a mess you find in a baby's diaper but man, it was tasty. I can understand why dogs eat poop now. Taste even better if you're blind.

MUSHROOM OMELETTE, GOAT CHEESE, LEEKS, WATERCRESS. Why is there a vegetarian at the table? Can vegetarians even eat goat cheese? It's basically goat piss, that can't be vegetarian approved. But whatevs, that omelette was cooked spot on. Look at that color, no brown bits at all... That's more than I can say for my underpants. Well executed dish, but boring as fuck... Almost put me to sleep, I think it was singing a lullaby. Snoooze.

The Dutch has talent, it better with Andrew Carmellini behind it. This dude is killing it in this city, especially, with Locanda Verde (that joint is da bomb). This is the standard for all NYC restaurants. But if you're in Miami Beach, he opened a Dutch there, too. If you haven't eaten here, go... Go now.

Burp.


3 Stars.

131 Sullivan Street
New York, NY 10012
212-677-6200

http://thedutchnyc.com/