So, this is what the 2012 Best New Restaurant of the Year tastes like... Well, according to John Mariani of Esquire magazine. The critic that Anthony Bourdain has called out numerous times on the validity of his reviews throughout the years and labeling him as a "professional junketeer" and goes on to say that "This guy has been a one-man schnorrer for decades. He’s been caught
red-handed on numerous occasions — but his employers continue to
dissemble on his behalf. Everyone in the business knows this and has known this for years. All of
his peers knows how he does his business and how he operates. The only
people who don't know are his readers." He sounds like he should be on Yelp but for all y'all non-gentiles that don't know what a "schnorrer" is, it comes from
the Yiddish term meaning "beggar" or "sponger". Some even define it as "One who habitually takes advantage of the generosity of others; a parasite.". I don't know if he is one in real life or not but I have never trusted a mens' fashion magazine for their culinary prowess... To me, Esquire is as credible as Guns & Ammo. And giving the title of Best New Restaurant of the Year to a 4 month old resto is a little suspect to me... But what do I know? Let's go back for yet another visit and see if they really have hit a grand slam up in this piece.
I have been here a couple times since they opened and I do love the space. They did a good job with making it spacious but yet cozy at the same time. The open kitchen is great, too... For the customers' entertainment, but not so much for the line cooks (more on that later). The hostess(es) were great, friendly and accomodating. The servers not so much. But whatever, the food is all I care about... Let's go to the videotape...
Bread. These are really good, fresh, warm and with just a touch of salt.
Fried oysters, smoked paprika mayonnaise, house pickles. Nicely fried, crunchy batter and semi briny inside. Pickles were tasty. Overall, a good, simple, tasty app except for the pap mayo smear.
Spicy glazed spanish octopus, watermelon, coriander. Mid teens pricing, kindergarten portion. Two measly tentacles? For real? What is the food cost on this... 3%? The ingredients of the dish on the menu didn't exactly match up either but does anyone care? Prolly not. Disppointing is too nice of a word for this. What a rip.
Garlicky tiny clams & pork belly, hand-torn croutons. I gave it another, another chance. Still salty as ever, half the portion and 25% more expensive. I got suckered again. Children, this is how you make more money to open more mediocre restos that people will eat up.
Frothy she-crab soup, shrimp toast. Why do restos keep calling it a she-crab soup when it has no crab roe in it? Supposedly, it's blended in... Does that include rainbows and unicorns, too? This was all heavy cream, salt and nothing else... Christ, they should just make this creme anglaise into ice cream instead. People rave about the shrimp toast, sure, if you love oily thick Texas toast that disintegrates in your mouth with no shrimp flavor/essence/taste/powder deteched. At double digit pricing you would expect at least one lump of crab... Hell, scratching your balls over the soup would even make a big difference.
Maine sea scallops, oxtail marmalade, brown butter-chicken jus. At almost $30, you'd expect this entree not to look like an appetizer. Not only was this presentation looked haphazzarded, it was way overcooked, over-caramelized, rubbery and bland. I have had more tender superballs from a 50 cent gumball machine in Plaza Fiesta. Oxtail marmalade tasted like the Lloyds's BBQ beef you get in the plastic tubs at Publix. Overall, inedible and amateur at best.
Whole “swimming” black bass, garlic ginger sauce, sweet peppers, crispy shallots. Is this a joke? The entire fish is fried whole which was never stated on the menu... But that's not the joke part. The size of the fish is the punchline. It's a rather too dainty of a bass to be fried whole, let alone over fried which made it hard as a rock and moisture-less flesh. The look on the fish's face was priceless and depressing at the same time... Like watching one of those Peta videos in the slaughter house. No matter what direction I turned him, he was constantly staring at me... Like the creepy eyes of a ship captain in a painting you find inside a haunted house. I felt bad for the poor bastard, I wanted to "catch and release" him but he would have just sank to the bottom of the Chattahoochee. I'm not even gonna get into the sauce and accoutrements... It's all dead fish floating in the water under the bridge. Let's move on.
Monkfish, tomato broth, hen of the woods mushrooms, pickled fennel. I love monkfish, I have a soft spot for it because he has the face only a mother could love... Kinda like me. This was prolly the best dish of the night... Not that it was spectacular but it was the most edible. But the salt element... Still unreal.
Basmati “fried rice,” smoked fish, curry, crushed peanuts, egg. I had have better fried rice from a Rice-a-Roni box. The rice was overcooked and mushy. The peanuts were whole not crushed as you can see. The smoked fish were scaly and slimy. The bits of scrambled eggs were good, though... I used that lime for my cocktail since they forgot it, that was fresh at least.
Wood roasted beets, smoky vinaigrette, horseradish, apple. This is the plating of the best new resto? Did they use the plate as a catcher's mitt? Batter up! I guess they threw it too hard into the plate because the beets were mush. Wood roasted? What kinda wood... Morning wood? One of the most simple and delicious root vegetable to prepare... Ruined. I remember an episode of Little Rascals where they cooked a beet in a old rusty can that turned out better than this... You know Spanky was a good cook by the size of that fat fuck.
Corn milk hushpuppies, “beignet style,” cane sugar butter. Holy shit, there's like at least 5 grams of coke on those balls... Where are the groupies to snort them off of when you need them? Oh, man, the good old days back at the clubs. Did I say that out loud? Nevermind. These balls were ok but does it really need a double dose of sugar on sugar... Only if you're trying to mask something.
I had to throw this back in there because it's so classic... No, I didn't order one this time but a friend at another table did and he said it was not what he expected and that it had some weird aftertaste to it. At least, I wasn't the only one that thought the same. They did lower the price of this thing though but does it really matter?
After the half finished plates have been cleared and the over-priced check paid... We adjourned to the oyster bar to salvage the night with a stiff drink. 15 minutes have passed and not even one iota of acknowlegdement of our existence... So, we went back into the main bar. Bartender mixed us the most spectacular drinks, a beer and a couple Eiswein... He was really good at that. But here's the best part... Right in front of us, a couple of servers still on duty were pounding gourmet beers at the end of the bar with the help of said bartender. Hey, what a great place to work, where you can drink all night and get paid. Sweet. The open kitchen is great amusement, too... Especially, when watching the line cooks drink from open containers while working at their stations, isn't that a health code violation or something? The cook expediting would have caught the over-cooked scallops if he wasn't fucking around with the help... But that was just an observation. Is it me or were the staff like extras on the Walking Dead? They were lifeless and seemed like they had somewhere else better to be.
I am left speechless after this dreadful last and final visit... Could it have been all the salt that purged the life force from my body and vocal cords like a cucumber? If this is the best new restaurant of the year... Then, I can't wait for the up and coming primitive cookery, King Dukie, to open in the old Nava space and the future Chinese joint they have in the works, also... Wait, or is that Mexican, I can't keep up anymore... But one thing is for sure, I can't endure another bite from this place.
No Rating.
914 Howell Mill Rd
Atlanta,
GA 30318
(404) 477-6260
http://theoptimistrestaurant.com/
