Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Fritti

Fritti is kicking ass and taking names... Bringing in the God of all pizza ovens from Naples to hand build the only custom Ferrara oven in GA (excluding the 2 prefab Ferrara ovens at Double Zero). This beast is top of the line. It may even trump the 3 Acunto ovens at Antico. But the real question is... How is da 'ZA?! We all know Antico's 'Za's are really fucking good, no, literally, it's like sex, as in "bumping uglies" good, squirt. But great hardware and great ingredients make not a great pizza (ie: Rusto's. It tasted like burnt shit). Fritti was always pretty good throughout the years but with this new 1000 degree oven in their arsenal can they take the Napoletana throne?

C'mon, let's take a trip to Mount Vesuvius and see...

(Bresaola di Tonno - Tuna flaps, thin and tasteless. Eh, I didn't order it, some white boy at my table did. And he is supposedly a chef. Flush.)


(Calamari Fritti - Even white boy chefs gotta shout, Calamari's got back. This dish is so over done for the last 20 years but I gotta admit it was pretty good. Crunch.)


(Regina Margherita - San Marzano, bufala, basil and char from the hand built Ferrara oven by the man himself, Stefano Ferrara, was pretty much fucking perfect. Look at that pie, gives me a chub every time I see and smell it. I swear those white spots are not dick cheese. Scout's honor. Squirt.)


(Frutti di Mare - I don't usually like my pie smelling like fish and with tentacles hanging out but I wanted to bury my face in it and lick that vageola clean. Slurp.)

Did Fritti take the throne? It's pretty close, almost neck and neck. I'm gonna give it some more time for the oven to "break in", whatever the fuck that means. I know, I might be talking outta my ass. Anyone got a breath mint? Anyhoo, it's a very good pizza, I like both places... Let's leave it at that... For now. Speaking of throne, after all that food I need to sit on mine... Be back in 2 and 2. Which equals...

4 Stars.

309 North Highland Ave.,
Atlanta, GA
404-880-9559
www.sottosottorestaurant.com

Gu's Bistro

Peter Friggin Chang, Cheng, Ching, Chong who? PF Chang's? Meh. It's no mystery why that guy faded away quietly after the much anticipated but overrated namesake restaurant that opened to lukewarm results, reviews and taste. It's no Tasty China of yesteryear. Watered down and Americanized is a quickfire way to burn your reputation as an "authentic" Sichuan chef. When you want to do it right and push out food that you're proud to slap your name on, you better fucking be there all the time without compromise. This whole consulting chef scam is for suckers. You have a better chance of finding Richard Blais in a kitchen than Peter Chang.

When we thought all hope was lost for good Sichuan food, Gu's came along... And with perfect timing. I like Chef Gu because he's not all snooty like PF Chang in his tall toque and starchy perfectly pressed chef's whites... Gu wears a 3 day old t-shirt, sweat pants with one leg pulled up to his knees like the better half of Kris Kross and an apron that has seen better and brighter days. This is my kinda cook!

The place is located in a dreadful empty strip mall or did they meant to do it like Pee Wee Herman? Cheap rent in a hip, urban, desolate and elusive vibe kinda way... Eh, who the fuck knows, but this shiznit is GU GU GUUD!

Feast on this, bitches...

(Dan Dan Noodle)

It was acceptable but needed a helluva lot more chili oil and heat... The tablespoon of sauce underneath all the noods didn't do it. It should be bright red and burns the hair off your ass.


(Surf Clam in Scallion Oil)

Some of the tastiest clam I have ever eaten. I know what you're thinking and no, they didn't smell like clam. The scallion oil was light and fragrant. Lurv it.


(Chengdu Dumplings)

Damn, these things are good. Spicy, sweet and all for me! What a porker. Weeee weeee!


(Steamed Buns- Fake Xiao Long Bao)

They said these were Xiao Long Baos aka soup dumplings but the only thing they looked and tasted like were plain old steamy dumps in basket. Where's the lotion?


(Dry Fried Eggplant)

We have a new champion... These fwies were thick cut, crispy outside and perfect melt in your mouth goodness inside. Screw Peter Effing Chang's over-priced version.


(Crispy Fish Filet)

Jesus Christ, the portion alone can feed half of China. Chinese version of fish n chips, but without the chips and a shit load of chili peppers, instead. Oh, it's there, look under that school of fish. These are addictive, I kept eating them and eating them, so crispy but yet not oily at all, the fish was moist and tender. It was tilapia, can you believe that shit? This crappy fish is good for something after all!


(Cumin Lamb)

Another classic Sichuan dish and this one did it justice. Right blend of cumin flavor with a perfectly tender lamb and heat level. Mouth watering just looking at that pic. Slurp.


(Twice Cooked Smoked Pork)

I usually love this dish but it was a little tough. The smokiness and flavor were all there but it took a little effort to chew it before you could swallow it. Some chicks had no problem with swallowing this pork thinger, though. Now, that's talent! Squirt.


(Szechuan Style Boiled Fish Filet)

I lurv me some spicy fish in hot oil but this needed a lot more heat. Not that it was bad, it was damn good, but you just expect to be sweating balls when you eat this. The bright red coloring was just a tease to trick you into thinking it's hotter than it is. The portion amount is insane as with all his fish dishes. Totally would order again with a request of more chili, pweez.


(Stir Fried String Beans)

Looks like a pretty tame string beans dish until you mix it from the bottom up. The spicy sauce takes this standard stir fried veggie dish to a new level. You can't eat just one.


(Don't ask, don't tell)

It's not an ancient Chinese secwet that you don't ever order dessert at Chinese restaurants... Ever. It's just bad and the above pic is proof of that... I can't even begin to tell you what it is but using the color as a judge you can prolly guess what it is.

Gu's is a good Sichuan restaurant and may be the only one in Atlanta, now. It's reasonably priced... Who am I kidding? It's a friggin bargain to eat here, especially, in larger groups unlike Peter Chang. He bit off more than he could chew opening a 180 seat resto in the former Olive's space. Service is spotty and the food is hit or miss... He can't even get the spelling of his name right. At Gu's, the service is great and the food is consistent and getting better with every visit. Chef Gu makes not only hot dishes but hot daughters, too... Even straight chicks want to nail her, including me. Goddamn, she's hotter than the chili-oil and Sichuan peppercorns combined. Me. Eat. Now.

Drive, don't run there... It's too far.

Burp.

3 Stars.

5750 Buford Hwy, #A
Doraville, GA 30340
770-451-8118
http://www.gusbistro.com/

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Canvas Cafe and Bakery

Sooo... There's this place up in bumblefuck Marietta that supposedly have the spiciest/hottest burger in the land and some of these so called "foodies" boast it could be the hottest burger in the nation. Well, sounds like a triple fucking dog dare to me...

This place is out in nowhere. It's inside what looks like a small office building but it's not. They have a nice outdoor deck with tables and the inside is pretty cute, very cafe chic with the blackboard menu and baked items and gelato in the display cases, blah blah blah... Let's just get to the good stuff and what we came here for. And that is, the...

**HELL BURGER** !!WARNING!! CAUTION__ Cayenne Pepper Dusted, Chili, Roasted Jalapeno, Habanero and Onion Slaw, Pepper Jack Cheese, Four Pepper Hot Sauce, and Sambal Mayo. **No Refunds if its TOO HOT, You have Been Warned**

Ooooh, doesn't that sound hellacious? Mebbe. Kinda...


(There she is, Ms. America! How fucking 80's is that knife in the burger gimmick? Just like the old banana in da tailpipe trick.)


(Unda-neath da hood. Not gonna win any beauty contests. Is that a... Who made this, dyslexic Zorro?)


(Cooked somewhat to temp.)

At my signal, unleash hell!!!

So, how was it... You're wondering? Ate the first half in 4 bites. Nothing. Waited a couple more seconds. Nothing. Sitting there in my chair scratching my balls like I had phantom crabs. Where da fuck is da heat? Mebbe, I have to eat the other half to complete the chemical reaction. Ok, no problem. Other half gone in four bites. Well? Nada. What a fucking load of shit. I got jipped, again! Ok, the burger was decent and well put together but it did not unleash hell. They shoulda call this Minimus Declarius Mediocrius.

Eh, let's try something else...

Croque Monsieur, sure! I lurv me a good croque. But this is what came out, instead... A crotch monkey. What is that? Meat flaps with smegma all over it? I mean, I ate out some nasty skanks before but this was nuttier than a fruitcake. This was as French as Barrack Obama... Mebbe, they can provide a Fronch birth certificate that will satisfy the haters. I liberated this like the allied forces in Paris in 1944... Right in the garbage.

(Subway's even baffled.)


S'Mores Milkshake with "Toasted" marshmallows... Yes, obviously. Nothing like a milkshake in a cheap plastic cup. Reminds me of that dump Buns N Shakes downtown. This tasted like saw dust... Oh, wait, lookie! They were kind enough to sprinkle some on top! It had the consistency of chocolate mousse and the taste of hot coco powder. When you have to chase a bite of this with a glass of water, there's something rotten in the state of Redneck.

(Toasted Marshmallows. Naturally.)


A standard sandwich shop that is ok if you're in the area but not worth the trip from ITP. Hell Burger needs a lot of work to live up to the name. So, depwessed... Pass the Abilify.

1 Star.

724 Cherokee Street
Marietta, GA 30060
(678) 213-2268
http://www.canvasfoods.com/index.php

Snatched! Slutty Food Quickie...

Super H-Mart had a $4.99/lb Robster coupon... So, I snatched up 4 of these bottom feeders and hot waterboarded them. Afterwards, I mutilated them, dismembering them limb by limb. Then I dressed them up all fancy like and stuffed them in a butter grilled roll and raped it. I don't usually eat out a crusty ho' but this didn't smell fishy at all. I knew it was a clean kill.

(Robster Ho')

Why they call these things, Po'boys, I don't know... Because it ain't cheap if you buy one at a snatch shack. So, I made my own. Cost me less than $3 to make. Fat plump pearl tongues dusted in a secret mix and deep fried. Fucking juicy as hell inside and crispy on the outside. A little Kewpie and Sambal Oelek spread on the toasted roll, then stuffed to the gills with those precious little fried clitoris of the sea. Shit, I even licked my chicken lips clean.

(Oysta Pearl Tongue'boy)

Cannibalism at its finest.

Pump.

Pump.

Squirt.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Pull My Noodle... Ramen, Amen.

Let's face it, the Ramen scene pretty much suck a big fat noodle in Atlanta. This is a quick recap on a few places, new and old, I ate at recently. Some good, some a bad joke but I don't get why the local rags brag about how the Ramen scene is exploding in Atlanta... It's not. It's exploding as much as the noodle scene in my pants. You can count the number of Ramen joints that are barely acceptable literally on one hand. Coincidentally, I heard that the most talented cooks only use one hand to pull their noodle. I, on the other hand, like to use my weak hand to pull my noodle, it's always better with a Stranger... Uh, nevermind.

The most baffling thing about the Ramen here is that the majority of the shops are not Japanese but Korean owned and operated. Not that you can't get a decent bowl of noodles from non ex-pats but to me it just doesn't taste the same. It's like saying you can get great dim sum from a Korean restaurant. But what do I know.

Let's take a look at a few in no particular order...

Umaido (2 Stars). The spicy level 100 challenge was easily conquered under 5 minutes... And purged under 5 minutes as well. But how's the ramen? It's acceptable, if you're in the area. With gas prices these day, driving 40+ minutes to eat this stuff even with my lifetime 10% discount is just not worth it. Do not get the Gyoza, they are inedible and laughable. But +1 for the hand made noodles. The broth, eh, just pile as much shit in it as you can and think about rainbows and unicorns.

(Umaido - Regular Spicy (not Spicy Level 100))

(Umaido - Plain old prok based Ramen)


Miso Izakaya (3 Stars). I'll give them props for making the Tonkotsu broth from scratch and trying to do it the right way. The broth is not there yet but it's a good start. The noodles were passable, it's hard to get/find Ramen noodles that are just right, kinda like the perfect toothy Wonton noodle. And making them by hand is time consuming and difficult to get right. The construction and ingredients are well thought out but a little tweaking wouldn't hurt. But having pretty satisfying Ramen inside the city is a major plus, the sheet of nori is kinda goofy and really serves no purpose in this dish. The baos (steam buns) alone are worthy of a visit, the sushi, not so much. The owner/cooks don't shy away from reinventing the menu which is a good thing for this city. Keep it up.

(Miso Izakaya - Tonkotsu Ramen)


Yakitori Jinbei (Not rated). "Once a great champion, now a study in mopphishness." I really liked this Japanese owned restaurant... About 5 years ago. After the owner passed, this place has really gone down hill. I feel sad but it's a business after all and this place just doesn't do it for me anymore. It seems like less and less ex-pats are making their rounds here, even on weekends. After a very lackluster display of Tonkotsu Ramen, my disappointment was amplified 10 folds when I saw the storage room with dozens and dozens of individually wrapped bags of noodles laying around all over the place, some even on the floor. The Yakisoba, a dish that only a few can get right, added insult to injury. Basically, a $13 plate of bland plastic bag noodle nuked for 2 minzies. When the staff finally came around after 10 minutes with me doing ants in the pants in my chair... I paid and high tailed it outta there, STAT. The "young chicken" yakitori and et al was middling at best. Even for a town that's desperate for anything that looks remotely like Ramen, how can anyone take this Ramen seriously anymore? Just save yourself the trouble and make a bag of Maruchan Lime Chili Shrimp Ramen at home. Never again.

(Yakitori Jinbei - Tonkotsu)

(Yakitori Jinbei - Yakisoba)


Raku (1 Star). The newest Ramen joint from the fine people of Honey Pig. I like the Korean BBQ at Honey Pig but they should really stick to what they know and that is Korean food. Riding on the Ramen train just to make a quick buck is almost as pathetic as all the burger joints popping up like acne on a 15 year old's mug. The Ramen broth was just ok... Ok, as in scoop, stir and heat. The noodles were plain old stuff from a factory. Nothing exciting but not terrible. Decent enough to get a bite if you're shopping at H-Mart. Maybe in time, they will improve, maybe not.

(Raku - Tonkotsu)


Shoya (3 Stars). One of my favorite go to spots for incredible food across the board. I love this place. I've eaten the entire menu at least 3 times around and that's a big menu. The Yakisoba is very good and the Ramen didn't disappoint either. While it might not be the best I've ever had... The Tonkotsu is creamy, flavorful and simply dericious. The noodles may not be hand made but they are toothy and does the trick. The Shoyu broth is a little sweet, tangy and just salty enough but yet light on the palate. When Ramen is good, there's not much else to say except... Burp!

(Shoya - Tonkotsu)

(Shoya - Shoyu)


Sushi Huku (3 Stars). A place that people overlook. They have a bunch of udon and soba, but the only available Ramen is off the menu and only Shoyu style. The broth was clean, flavorful and just the right amount of saltiness... Only if I can find a broad like that then I'll be set. The noodles were on par, not the best and not the worse. The pork was incredibly tender. A very satisfying bowl. On a side note, I order the Ramen as dessert. The Omakase dinner was surprisingly very good, amazing assortment of fish for Atlanta. Definitely, on my top 5 list of good sushi joints.

(Sushi Huku - Shoyu)


Haru Ichiban (Not rated). It's been around forever and old age has taken its toll here... While the service has become on par with a school's dining hall, the food is not even fit for students. The service is absolutely oblivious, the kitchen has Alzheimer's, and the Ramen broth was so watery and tasteless it tasted like 3 day old soapy dish water scooped up from the sink. I'm not even gonna get into the noodle, sushi, et al. (No pic, not worth the memory space on my cam).

Of course, there are a few more places that offer Ramen but I'm too full to write anymore... Stay tuned for updates. I'm about to implode.

Squirt.