Big Tex Cantina

Nothing like seeing your credit card get charged double the following day after a night of sweating out chicken grease from every pore of your body. Mebbe, the Fox twins each swiped it. Who knows but it fucking pissed me off. Ok, if the food blew my mind and pouch I could understand but we all know that this ain't world class nosh. It's get fat fast food. And there's nothing wrong with that... I am fat and it's nice to be in a place where you don't have to be so self conscious about your weight or appearance.

Since, we're gonna be eating like pigs... Why not start out with some healthy deep fried pig skin... Well, this was prolly the healthiest dish I had all night.

Chicharron. Everybody's favorite snack. Who doesn't love swine skin deep fried in fat. The Texas Pete aioli wasn't all that. Come to think of it, just don't even try it cuz it gave me nightmares like that time when a pony at the petting zoo accidentally squirted something out of his 5th leg and a little bit got in my mouth. The horror, the humanity. Nevermind. Y'all go ahead and enjoy that sauce.


Big Tex Southern Fried Chicken, Fox Bros. Mac & Cheese, Frito Pie. Brine for 24 hours and then soaked in buttermilk before frying. Ok, sign me up. I lurv me some fried cheekan, so, if I know the Fox Bros., this dish shouldn't disappoint. And it didn't... But it wasn't the best I've had either. It was crispy and tasty, so, let's just leave it at that. The Frito Pie with the brisket chili served in the chip bag was pretty good, it could use a little more heat and chili, though. The famous Fox Bros. mac & cheese wasn't as good as it used to be, it needed to be more creamier and cheesier. But anything is better than my experience with the mac & cheez at Brown's BBQ... And Big Tex's portions doesn't disappoint either. Those little corn muffins... I didn't know if you're suppose to eat them or use them as suppositories. Either way, they're both going in and then coming right out.


Chicken Fried Steak Sandwich, Roasted Creamed Corn. Yeah, not really a fan of that loaf of bread on either side of that fried meat flap which I guess they call it Texas Toast. I can use that as a pillow for crying out loud. Shit, Rocky Dennis with that ginormous head of his can as well. This visual was shocking at first but the taste was just plain boring. If you're looking to fill your gut like some hobo out in the street, this will do the trick but if you're looking for any kinda of taste, order something else. But my guess is that all the sandwiches pretty much look and taste the same. The cream corn which was worse than usual, it was watery and tasted like gerbil piss.

There were some other items on the table I sampled like the chicken tenders, fries and other standard fried crap like that... Hey, there were white people friends at my table. They were pretty much what you would expect, vanilla. Both, the food and white people.

Hey, the Fox Bros. don't do anything small or anything healthy. If you want big portions, high fat content and a shitload of carbs... You came to the right place. Just don't forget your moo-moo. And double check your credit card the next day and have fun disputing that fraudulent charge. Restaurants are fun. But I won't be coming back to this one.

Burp.

1 Star.

308 West Ponce De Leon Avenue
Decatur, GA 30030
(404) 377-3939
http://www.bigtexdecatur.com/

Brown's BBQ

I'm always up for trying some new BBQ because you never know it could be great. Yeah, I had some God awful shit that people actually charge for a taste of their heavenly grub... Or at least that's what their friends and family told them and convinced them to make it a business out of it. At first, making it at home and catering for house parties, bars or what not... To opening a brick and mortar spot. Kinda like how Fox Bros got their start. And what Brown's here seemed to have done as well. The only difference is that catering has set dates, times and events. You know exactly how much you need to make and for how many people. In a resto setting, the catering routine is out the door. You have to consistently have good product all day long, everyday, and every week. This is the weakness of this joint, it seems like they're still stuck on the catering mindset to make a huge pile of stuff and let it sit until the order comes in. Whatever is not used that day, it looks like it is used the rest of the week. We all know this is how not to serve great BBQ. It has to be prepared fresh everyday which means early and long hours of tending to the fire and meats.

Starting a brick and mortar BBQ joint is great for the local hood. It's a lot of hard work and long hours but the customer doesn't care about that except for good food. Let's take a bite and sample a few things here and see how they compare in a town with some exceptional BBQ.


Pulled pork sandwich with sweet onion BBQ sauce on the side and sweet potato souffle. The bun was nice. The rest, not so much. It's a decent heaping of pulled pork but that doesn't matter if it tastes like crap. The pork just tasted old and flavorless. How do you make pork tasteless? If you boil bacon, it still taste like bacon... Well, maybe not but it is a French technique to render some fat before sauteing, nevermind. I always get the sauce on the side because that's the only way to see how their meats stand alone. Now, you know why so many bad BBQ joints drown their meats in sauce. Let's not forget about the sweet potato souffle... The ice COLD souffle. This was basically canned sweet potato baby food mush with no seasoning. It was not a souffle and watery beyond belief. Gerber even laughs at them.


3 Meat Combo w/ 2 sides (green beans and mac & cheese). Does this look like a $15 plate worth of food? Remind you that this is a regular size picnic paper plate. The sides and sauce took up about 55% of the real estate. 2 wings, a half a rib bits and a couple shavings of "sliced" brisket. If I balled it up in my hands it would be the size of a golf ball. The wings were average which were edible but smoked they were not. The rib bits were hard, rubbery and lacked any smoke flavor whatsoever, this would be something you feed a dog after everyone has had their fill of the good parts. The brisket, oh, the "brisket" was absolutely ghastly, shitty fucked up slices and bits of dismal meat, no bark, no smoke, no flavor, no taste with hard pieces of fat that showed evidence of being boiled. This had all the tale tell signs of left over meat that sat around for days and they tried to reanimate it by soaking/poaching it in some type of liquid. They might as well use Liquid Plumber, at least I wouldn't have to suffer long. I wouldn't even serve this slop in a prison... Shit, I had better food in County. Almost makes me want to get arrested right now just to get a decent meal and for free. I kid, I kid. The greens bean were straight outta a can and into the microwave, you can actually taste the metal lining. The mac & cheese was powdered cheese mixed with leftover liquid funk from the green bean can. Just terrible. Kraft is sounding good right about now.


Cornbread muffin with jalapeno. Gives sawdust a whole new meaning, I stuck the fork in the really hard outter crust layer, when it broke apart, the innards spilled out like the sands of an hour glass. The jalapeno bits did nothing to enhance the staleness. It needed everything, like salt, sugar, butter, lard, buttermilk, egg, a new recipe... And not one from a blue and white little box. This was possibly the worst cornbread muffin I have ever tasted.


With a menu like this, you would expect a little more passion and flavor, especially, when they're charging $15 a plate. Listening to the table behind me proved that my order was not just a fluke... They got the 4 meat sampler to share at $17 plus and an extra $2.50 shared plate charge. Their portion was 1% larger than mine and they were outta there within 10 minutes. You could see the disappointment on their faces and mine wasn't far behind but I was more in a hysterical mood when I visually and orally sampled this specimen.

The service was very friendly and polite but they have a long ways to go to running a flavorful and consistent restaurant or just go back to what they supposedly do best, catering for kids birthday parties. Brown's BBQ is aptly named, everything was brown and looked eerily like something else that is brown and swimming in liquid.

All pump, no squirt.

No Rating.

2148 Johnson Ferry Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30319

(770) 986-9450

http://brownsbbqandcatering.com/

East Pearl Seafood Restaurant

The last nail in the coffin for dim sum in Atlanta has been struck... If I read another Goddamn glowing review of how great dim sum is in this town, I will go on a Popeyes binge for a week. Wait a minute, that doesn't sound too bad at all. But anyways, dim sum is DEAD in this town. Period. Golden House was an absolute disappointment (x3), in other words it sucked donkey balls (x3). Yes, you can find edible "dim sum" here but I dare anyone of real Chinese descent say this is good shit. I fucking dare you, I'll even pay for this real dim sum meal. Comparing good dim sum to some joint in San Fran is like comparing good Southern BBQ in Alaska. Stop it. Makes my head and pouch hurt.

Ok, East Pearl was my last hope of finding consistent dim sum in this town. I used to come here on a regular basis and it was pretty good back in the day but it fell off my radar like so many other places when they started their downward spiral. Running on previous rave reviews does you no good today. But every gwai lo can't get enough of this stuff, so, I had to make sure before writing this off completely.


Ngau yuk kau aka steamed meatballs were bland and not minced enough before shaping and steaming.
Lo mai gai aka sticky rice was decent but the filling was either burnt or filled with sand, crunch crunch was the sound after each bite.
Congee had no flavor, couldn't tell if it was oatmeal except for the bits of 1000 yr old egg, the "cruellers" were stale.
Shumai skin were melted off from being resteamed multiple times with the dead give away of rubbery mincemeat.
Cheung fun was made to order but the rice noodle was too thick, under cooked and the filling of beef was tasteless, had to drown it in the sweeten soy to get a speck of flavor out of it.


Lo bak gou aka turnip cake were cold and soggy even though they were take right of the flat top grill cart thinger. The Oriental girl working this cart knew no Chinese and I don't think she knew she was Chinese either.


Ngau bak jip aka steamed beef tripe was ok, it was tender but not much flavor there, no spiciness, no savory taste to it... Just ginger and radish as filler.


Har gao looked pretty good but the skin, once again, was over cooked and stuck to the sides and paper ripping it apart when you try to pick it up. Good job dillweed.


Wu gok looked ok, tasted very average, it wasn't crispy enough, puffy enough and the filling had crunchy bits in it. Their dim sum cook must be smoking all kinds of fuck up in this piece. Puff puff give... Except this thing.


Cheung fun with shrimp was better than the beef but not by much. Still a little spongy. Stop rushing these things out and steam them properly, I rather wait another couple of minutes than eat a half-assed rice noodle dish.


Daan taat were prolly the best thing on this visit. Un fucking real, an egg custard pastry was the only thing that was made properly... Maybe they didn't make this and got it from the Chinese bakery down the street. Who knows but I'll eat it.

Just took too much effort to eat here. Driving all the way up here for mediocre Chino grub. I was not in there for more than 20 minutes the entire time and I was ready to get the fuck outta Dodge with all these middling dishes. On my way out, I ran into a buddy of mine and whom also owns an Oriental inspired resto intown, I axed him the next day how his dim sum was... His answer, "It was a letdown." Like I said before, find me a real Chinese oriental who thinks this is good grubbery and I will eat my words... Or yum cha here again to prove me wrong. Any takers?

*crickets*

I didn't think so. Next!

No Rating.

1810 Liddell Ln
Duluth, GA 30098

(678) 380-0899

Pho Dai Loi

After all these years, I am still wondering why this place is located here... Is there really such a large population of Vietnamese living in these here parts (let alone Orientals)? I don't know but I don't see that many rickshaws rolling around here. But once you walk inside, it's jamming with ex-pats and a sprinkling of foreigners such as Caucasians and African Americans alike. No Latinos here except the ones working in the back. Come to think of it, you never see Latinos eating at Asian restos... Mebbe they know something we don't know? Hmmm. But anyways, hunger has no color, only taste.

After a few recent lackluster Pho experiences, I decided to come back down to the original and see if it still had the magic touch. I always forget how huge their large size Pho is, I mean it is the size of a toilet bowl, I shit you not... Well, you could if it was an emergency. The small or medium is seriously more than enough, I'm guessing the large bowl is for a family to share or something. I did see a couple of skinny dudes eating the large and they always never can finish it. Why get it then? Unless they're compensating for something. I'm sure the waitresses are impressed by the girth of your stomach, Slick.


Cha gio. You know what these are. They were super crispy and the filler was good, too. I would totally come back for these, alone... Well, along with a few other tasty tweats. Say... Is that a crispy spring roll in your pants or are you just happy to see me? Both, Dai Loi, both...


Bubble tea and Thai tea. Nothing so spectacular that it will soil your pants but it was nicely made. The tapioca were still warm, so that's a nice sign they were freshly made. Look at that fancy friggin plastic seal top thingy... Bitch got this shit going on.


Banh mi with grilled pork was pretty good, the bread was lightly toasted and crispy, the inside was soft and pillowy. The fillings were adequate and the grilled pork was sweet, juicy with a little burnt ends on the edges. A little too much on the cilantro but whatever, you can pull them out if you want. This is not on the menu but they are larger than the average banh mi you find in Atlanta and costs a little more, too. But it was a winner.


A big plate of this can only mean one thing...


Pho Dac Biet - First thing to check is always the temp of the broth because the filler is always stone cold and turns that hot broth into warm piss. But this pho was still nice and hot even after you run it through the garden. +1. A ton of tendon, tripe, brisket and other meat goodies on top with a good mound of noodles at the bottom. The broth was flavorful, satisfying and not too complex. It was a good all around Pho.

The original will always be the original. Is it the best Pho in all the lands? No, but go, anyways. You'll leave happy and fat as a fuck.

BTW- Check out the fucking ridiculous outfits people wear to this place. This badass mofo was in white slacks, white vest, black pinstripe shirt and a feather in his pimp hat... This cat was a true playa. Heard dat!

2 Stars.

4061 Jonesboro Rd
Forest Park, GA 30297
404-363-2423

Thai 5

For a Mexican't joint to not make it in L5P, let alone anywhere in Atlanta, is baffling to me. Well, maybe not... Anyone who has eaten at the previous Luna Nueva can concur to the fact that the Doritos Loco Taco trumps anything on their menu. L5P is pretty diverse as we all know and the food scene, well, not so much. There has been a few turnovers throughout the years (ie: Sweetlime to OMG Taco)... So, can another Thai/Sushi/Fusion joint make it in this hood? Let's take a quick look...


Papaya salad. Gotta love the whole peanuts. I think you missed a step there, Skip. You need to crush them like how your wife does with your nuts. Salad, yes. Papaya salad, no. This had no dressing, no evidence of Thai flavors such as fish sauce nor spiciness. It was pretty bland and boring like so many other pseudo Thai spots around town. But I assume that they don't expect the patrons around here are looking for authenticity. It's like the odds and ends you find in your fridge and threw it all into a bowl, crap in a bowl. Weak.


Massaman curry with tofu, Thai Hot. I never understood why so many Thai restos here would serve a curry dish on flat plates, they should be in bowls with another bowl of rice on the side. But anyways, this curry is the same curry you would find anywhere else around town. Usually, the base curry paste are from a tub and mixed with coconut milk. It wasn't terrible but it wasn't exactly Thai either. Was it spicy and Thai Hot? What do you think? That flat plate is a symbol of the flavors, flat. The presentation still fucking bothers the shit outta me. Imagine serving a can of Dinty Moore stew or Campbell's NE clam chowda on a plate. Yeah, exactly my point.


Red curry with pork. Thai Hot. Holy deja-fucking-vu... This red curry looked and tasted exactly like the Massaman. Was it Thai Hot at least? Shiiiit, Tony Jaa... This was as spicy as a strawberry smoothie. Another Thai spot that failed to deliver the heat. The Thai eggplant as promised turned out to be Chinese eggplant because you quarter the golf ball sized Thai eggplant and not sliced. But what whitey don't know, won't hurt whitey. I have seen real Thai eggplant in only one spot in Atlanta and that specimen wasn't that good either. I don't know why they can't get it right, there's a ton of real Thai eggplant at all the farmers market... Wait, Chinese eggplant is cheaper. Bingo.


Pad Thai with tofu. Yeah, it's some kinda Pad, alright... But this was bloody boring and bad. How does something that looks like it has flavor turns out to be so bland, rubbery and dry? Come to think of it, everything was bland in this place.

Thai 5? They should just call it Thai Dye... Everything was basically thrown together into the same cooking vessel with the same flavors then slopped onto a plate. It looked the same, smelled the same and tasted the same. Just a real snoozer. The service wasn't much better either. It's like they posted help wanted signs at the Bass Lofts, every half-baked nitwit applied.

No Rating.

1148 Euclid Ave
Atlanta, GA 30307
404-521-3555

Perla Taqueria

I totally forgot about this place since they first opened. I thought they might have closed up shop since no one ever talks about them anymore. But I was driving by it and was pleasantly surprised it was still open. Good for them! My first couple visits were just ok, so, I thought it would be nice to see how their Mexican't slop has been recently and if it has gotten any better.

Let's take a peek... (man, I still kinda miss Mrs. Winner's, it was so ghetto fab when you're piss drunk and needed cheekan.) But anyways...


Lengua, Chorizo, al Pastor tacos. Looked ok, except the single ply corn tortilla. After eating Mexican, no one should ever use a single ply... Unless you like brown fingers. From the greasy chorizo of course, what else could turn your fingers brown? If they stopped being such Cheap Charlies and make it a 2 ply taco (which would cost them an extra 2 pesos), it would be so much easier to eat it without it breaking apart like a wet tissue full of snot. The lengua was tasty, the chorizo a bit too greasy and the al pastor still lacking any real flavor... But all in all, they were passable.


Buttermilk Fried Chicken taco. I had to get it, as if I would pass up anything that has to do with fried chicken. It's not bad, a nice piece of crispy cheekan but the "smoked pepper-buttermilk sauce" was total crap. The caramelized onions and peppers were not, but it was ok.


Tamale- Corn masa stuffed with chicken, dressed in red sauce and wrapped in corn leaf. Sounds interesting enough, I love tamales and this one was a decent version. It's larger than most of the ones you'll find on Buford Hwy but that's fine with me. The dusting of chopped cilantro on top of the husk was retarded. If they're trying for the extra color effect, it ain't working. Who are you... Rick Bayless? You're no Frontera Grill/Topolobampo or Xoco. Just sayin'. Stick to the simple and make that flavorful and you got yourself something to be proud of. Anyways, like I said before, this tamale was decent. I won't stop ya from trying it.


Perla Nacho- Cheese, beans, sour cream, guacamole. Yeah, no. Look at the pic. A few bites and into the garbage it went. I rather eat nachos made by a college student in their dorm room. This needs a fresh new take on a very boring display when nachos are suppose to be fun, exciting and full of flavors. This was like drinking rusty water.

I'm glad to see this place doing alright. It's a decent place to grab a bite if you're looking for something with a little bit more authentic flavor than the other Americanized Mexican't joints spewed all over town. But dishes are hit or miss... Stick to the favorites and you should be alright.

1 Star.

1958 Piedmont Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30324
404-607-7272http://www.perlaatl.com/

Royal China

Here's another oldie revisited. Nowadays, Royal China seem to make the majority of their buck on the dim sum scene during the weekends. So, I went for dinner to see if they still got it as a passable Chino resto. I haven't been back to dim sum for awhile because the last time I was here, the dim sum was pretty shitty. But the dim sum is another story for another time. Let's get back to the grubbery.

Parading through the menu was putting my dancing feet to sleep, it was so fucking Americanized. WTF happened to this place? They have a Chinese menu, too, but that wasn't all that either, so, we asked the waiter if they had certain dishes. They didn't have this and they didn't have that... And they weren't out of it just that night, they never have them. What a fucking sham of a Chino resto. So, just stuck to a few classic dishes.


8 Treasure something or other... In order words, a bunch of crap in a bowl. This looks more like it belongs in a fake bird's nest potato basket than in a hot pot/casserole thinger. The cauldron was barely even hot, the goo in the pot should be bubbling violently like when the Toxic Avenger fell into the nuclear waste drum. It tastes boringly different when it's just room temp. Edible, but just so Goddamn Americanized tasting.


Beef chowfun. Gotta get it. But didn't love it. All the ingredients were present but the flavors went AWOL. This dish literally came out in 45 seconds after ordering. WTF, brah? No fucking way you coulda cooked it that fast, let alone getting the ingredients together first. Something was up and it wasn't in my pants. Food this fast not from a drive-thru skeers me. No wonder it wasn't all that. I would rate this on the lower half on the Atlanta chowfun scale. It was also way too greasy.

Sliced pork with sour mustard. Been on a sour mustard kick since no one really knows or orders this dish on a regular basis. I wanted pork belly but they didn't have that, never did, so, I had to settle for the cheapo sliced pork. The dish was just ok, nothing really spectacular that stays on your mind the next day as a must have again.

The looks of this resto hasn't changed... And neither has the chair covers, they were filthy. Just get rid of them, they smell and look awful, for crying out loud... The food is just borderline and the service is spotty. This once a purdy good Chino resto has suffered the same fate as so many other good Chino restos have, they went cracker. Authenticity has gone out the door, took the first boat back to China, and all we're left with... Is just some regular old crackers. Not even Ritz, they were just plain dusty old Saltines.

I may come back to try the dim sum again someday... Or maybe I won't. Prolly the latter. Another decent Chinese restaurant that went flat and looks like they are totally content about that. If you're desperate for Chinese food, this place will fit the bill on an emergency basis.

1/2 Star.

3295 Chamblee Dunwoody Rd
Atlanta, GA 30341

(770) 216-9933