Maki Fresh

This location has gone from bad to really fucking rank. Boneheads and their Piri Piri slop was barely edible, talk about adventurous eating... It's like Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon. But this freshly minted joint gives a whole new understanding to food mockery. When you think of the best sushi in Atlanta, Ru San's, comes to mind... It's the best in Oral Pleasures. But forget all that you know that's reader's choice. There's a new champion in town for that title. What is casual Japanese dining? Is that like casual sex? But like in casual sex there are things that you just shouldn't put your mouth around or near, ever. Case in point...

All the freebies in the world for rave reviews isn't gonna change some nitwit with a half of a tongue's opinion about the culinary prowess of this menu. If this is your idea for a cheap PR gimmick, you might as well have spent that money you blew on food cost on some decent trim from the back pages of the Creative Loafing. Let's take a lookie here at this other type of dead fish...

(Kokoyashi - Ahi tuna, coconut, cucumber, scallions, lite coconut lime dressing)

Christ, what in your father's name is that? Looks like a sperm whale jacked off in it. Gives the word, smegma, a whole new meaning. Tuna was previously frozen like a caveman and defrosted... It had all the tell tale signs. No better way to mask it than cover it in jizzlobbery and call it a dressing. Wait, who fucking dresses raw tuna? It was like looking down into a public toilet. I just threw up a little in my mouth. Oh, the wakame seaweed salad was the only decent thing... Since, they didn't make it.

(Curly Q "A Maki Signature Roll" - Eel, avocado, cucumber, topped with spicy tuna)

Curly Q? Truly, aptly named... But the curlies I'm thinking about belongs downtown. Wait, so does this thing... Downtown at the Pine Street soup kitchen. This is just a frightening visual, who in their right mind would even dare to attempt to eat this unless you actually watched the Mexican't behind the cutting board make this out of discernible ingredients. Even, Steve-O involuntarily pukes at the sight of this... But he'll snort the shit outta da wasabi like there's no tomorrow.

The most disturbing thing I saw was the Tokyo Bowl aka not fried rice... So, this mook proceeds to make this wannabe fried rice thinger. Rice straight from the rice cooker and other pre-cooked ingredients go into a giant mixing bowl and gently tossed like he was in a closet Han Solo, then scraped into a serving bowl. WTF is that? That is not cooking. It's a travesty to all things living with a decent palate. Another big no no was cooking raw chicken and salmon on the same grill right next to each other... Salmonella is not a dish, douche bags.

This place has abortion written all over it. But the touch screen Coke machine was pretty rad. Just put this thing outside the store and close this dump and save the rent money... You'll make more with the soda machine alone. As for the menu... Anyone who is dumb enough to fall for this slop as "sushi/Japanese cuisine" deserves to eat this. Atlanta gets what Atlanta deserves.

Absolute garbage... And that's where it went. Publix grab-n-go sushi laughs at them.

Flush.

PS- The open kitchen was a bad move, dude. Just sayin'.

0 Star.

2349 Peachtree Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30305
404-869-6600
http://makifresh.com/

No. 246

It's no secwet that restaurants "borrow" ideas from other restaurants. This has been going on since the dawn of the ubiquitous fried calamari on every cheesy Italian and gastropub menu. One restaurant that has been consistently ripped off over and over again is the wildly popular In-N-Out Burger in California... Yeah, yeah, I know it's not a real restaurant but my point is that people sell what works and there's the blatant cases like Fast-N-Fresh in NYC, Grab-N-Go in Maryland and Express Burger in Idaho that literally copy everything from the decor to the menu and pass it off as their own. Sometimes it works but most of the time it pales in comparison. I know what you're saying... What da fuck does this have to do with anything at No. 246? Well, everything...

Anyone who has been to the Mission district of San Francisco will think they have just walked in to Flour+Water but only you're in Atlanta. Everything here looks and feels eerily like it, but only bigger. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, especially, the menu... The pasta and 'ZA section is even titled "Flour & Water" for crying out loud. Ballsy, dude. Some pasta dishes that garnered acclaim at a NYC resto or two even made it on here. Holy moly, Michael White! Don't get me wrong, I like the look of the place. The space was built out handsomely unlike that previous Asian fusion dumpola. The place looks lovely and all that shit but I still can't get past the whole identity borrowing. Now, only if they could duplicate the taste. Speaking of which...

(Fried padron peppers, lemon, sea salt)

Deep frying these peppers naked is a bust... It turned it into tasteless baby food. On closer inspection they kinda look like an 60 year old man's ball sack... All shriveled up and wrinkly, dripping with funky liquid down it's legs. When you bite into them there's no pop... Just mushy, bland and oily. They should just roast them in the wood fire oven. Duh.

(No. 246 meatball, san marzano, basil, parmesan)

Ahhh, the 5 dolla meatball... Too bad it didn't make me holla. Not really my kinda ball of meat because it was a bit grainy, dry and lacked the classic meatball flava like how an Italian grandma makes them. The watery San Marzano sauce looked like the drippings from the bottom of the can they came in. In the beginning it was just a ball on a plate, but at least now, they've dressed it up to justify the $5 price tag for 20 cents worth of meatdust. Been there, done that. Never again.

(House-made ricotta, preserved wild mushrooms, parsley, lemon
pork rillette, grain mustard, parsley
wood oven roasted eggplant, chilies, mint)

The wooden shingle boat-like thinger that it came on was softer than the bread itself. Everyone's gums were bleeding after one bite. Shit, we're not that old for our gums to bleed eating bread... Yet. It even chipped the knife I tried to cut it with. These little tasting jars were ok, nothing crave-worthy about it that you'll want to rush back here for. The 2 slices of B&B pickles were really chintzy... Yup, I said 2 slices, 1 normal size, the other fit for a chipmunk. The rock hard bread basically ruined it, lightly toasted fresh bread is cooking 101. I took a piece home... Needed a door stop. Shhh.

(Margherita- san marzano, mozzarella, basil)

Yeah, boooyyeee!!! Until I tasted it... Zero char on the bottom, barely around the cornicione, the mozza looked really thin and watery, almost to the point it had the consistency of melted store bought thin sliced mozza from a ziplock bag. The sauce... I don't remember, it was that thrilling. The crust was dusty, crackily and dry with a few raw looking spots as if they didn't rotate it in the oven nor lifted it up to the dome. For a wood oven 'ZA, it needed a lot more work. That's too bad, I had hoped for better from these experienced cooks with their pedigree background.

(Close up of da lil Queen)

It's better than Papa John's, I'll give them that.

(Trofie- chicken liver, pork, and beef bolognese, parmesan, parsley)

Was there anything to look forward to after that dismal display of apps and 'ZA? Help me, Obiwan, you're my only hope... And the answer was YES! This pasta dish was pretty decent and redeemed itself. Pasta was cooked spot on. The meaty offal sugo (not really a bolognese) had good flava. The cheese was ricotta instead of parmesan as the menu stated... But it was all good. Nice little dish.

(Agnolotti- butternut squash, mascarpone, local mushrooms, browned butter, shaved hazelnuts)

Based on all the media hype, people were jerking off all over each other's back about this dish... I think some of it got on the plate. The pasta was cooked properly, the filling was fine, the shrooms were nice and woody, but there was sometime not right with the brown butter sauce... It was acidic and way over salted. Mebbe a few more trips to NYC are in order to get this dish right. Just sayin'... Don't believe the hype, you'll just be left disappointed. Next.

(Pork sausage rope- wood oven roasted, cherry mostarda, arugula)

Don't even get me fucking started with this visual... Eh, fuck it, you know I'll go there anyways. I swear, I saw this thing on the grass this morning when I was walking my dog. How do you not bust a gut or fart uncontrollably when this thing comes to your table. Seriously, did this come from a gag store? Anyhoo, it was similar to the meatball... Dry, grainy and lacking any fatty flavor you expect from a sausage. It was like eating sawdust. You pierce the casing and it all falls out like sand. Are they actually tasting the food during menu development? Pretty disappointing.

(Roasted beets, tarragon, sea salt)

Nice little side dish and well executed... C'mon, it's beets after all, not pizza Napoletana .

(Wood oven roasted cauliflower, sultanas, parsley, capers)

Cauliflower itself has no taste, roasting them helps but not by much. Adding a little duck or pork fat woulda made a helluva difference (screw the vegheads). Shit, even a splash of the overplayed truffle oil woulda done the trick. Or even a squeeze of lemon.

This place has all the right elements to make it a success (not that it isn't already with the steady stream of people coming in) but sometimes hype does a disservice to a place making it better than it is. When it is full, the sound level is almost unbearable as most people have complained and those giant metal lamp shades throughout the dining room does nothing to help dampen the decibels either... They're kinda useless like the Cone of Silence. The service was attentive and unintrusive. Overall, it needs a little work across the board, especially, the food execution. You might be able to get away with copying other restaurants far away from this city but you better be able to execute it flawlessly or else you'll be called out on it.

Maybe in a few months they'll get it right and be original.

2 Stars.

129 E Ponce De Leon Ave
Decatur, GA 30030
678-399-8246
http://www.no246.com/

Blue Ribbon Sushi

When you think of great sushi, the name Blue Ribbon does not come to mind. But when you're in one of the greatest food cities in the world, some of the best places are off the radar. The original Blue Ribbon down the street has been a late night oasis and destination for industry insiders for almost 20 years. BR Sushi opened a few years later in 1995 and won the hearts of New Yorkers almost instantly... And in 2011, they're still kicking ass and taking names.

The menu is extensive and the fish is among the best and freshest in the city. The decor is simple chic and elegant... But you come here for one thing and one thing only, amazing fucking fish. I came by for a quick snack before my next culinary destination. I know you wished you did, too.

(No signage)

You're SOL if you don't know where it is or walk passed it. More fish for me, suckaz!

(Sushi bar)

The sushi bar is relatively small and behind it is commanded by 4 kick ass sushi chefs working elbow to elbow. How they didn't kill each other with their Yanagi knives I don't know because that shit was tight back there. Every dish that I saw come out looked better one after another. I smell fucking trouble for my wallet. Hold me back!

(Aoyagi Sashimi- Giant Orange Clam)

No, it ain't from between the legs of some oversprayed tan cougar from Jersey. Whatever your thoughts about overcooked, rubbery, clammy bi-valves, you can wipe that fuzzy lap flounder idea from your tiny brain... This tasted fresh from the sea, extremely melt in your mouth goodness, like little medallions of fatty foie gras from da sea.

(Sushi & Sashimi Combo, Hokkaido Uni and Shima Aji)

This picture doesn't do it justice because the colors of the fish were so much more vibrant when it's 5 inches from your snout. Speaking of snout, if the fish smells fishy you know it ain't right but this platter didn't have one whiff of dirty canned tuna. Almost every piece melted like buttah. The hard to find Shima Aji was top quality and ultra fresh. The highly prized Hakkaido Uni straight from Japan was some of the best I have ever had and I paid the price for it, too. Totally worth it.

With all the flashy and shiny big name sushi joints in the city, Blue Ribbon Sushi gets kinda lost in all the noise... And that is perfectly fine with me and the other sushi fanatics who care more about the cuisine than the glitz and glamour of the "it" joint of the hour. Blue Ribbon Sushi has been tested and proven. You know it's good when you're still thinking about it a week later... Like a great piece of snatch.

Pump.

Pump.

Squirt.

4 Stars.

119 Sullivan Street
New York, NY 10012
212-343-0404
http://www.blueribbonrestaurants.com/

Serpas

I've been here a handful of times since they opened in 2009. While it isn't the most adventurous menu around, it is one of the most consistent around. And that's why I've always been a fan. Like his moniker, his cooking is "True Food". The space is pretty unique, nice open space and the wall of windows make it look larger than it is. I like it ah lot.

I don't know if it was the influence of resto week but the place was pretty packed the last time I stopped in. The crowd was borderline with fucking hipsters and cougar central... I didn't know if I should break dance or break a hip. Let's just break bwead, instead...

(Chicken Liver Pate)

The pate looks like a scoop of coffee ice cream but it isn't I assure you. The pate isn't mindblowing but it does the trick. Decent flavor and texture. Buttery toasties. Pickled red onions were nice.

(Crispy Duck Rolls)

Ok, these were just silly... $9 for wannabe Asian grub. They needed more flavor and time in the fryer. Cracker Pride time.

(Gumbo)

A little watery but not bad at all... Needed more thickener, filé, okra or roux. Hell, all of the above. But it was pretty tasty nonetheless.

(Pork Belly)

Look at that piglet... A perfect balance of meat and fat. A little crispy on top and caramelized nicely. He knows how to cook a proper pork belly, consistently. Pickled mustard seeds were cute but didn't do much for the dish. Nice little hidden surprise under the green skirt... A four cheese ravioli sans fromunda.

(Short Rib)

Now, that's a piece of man meat... I didn't know if should eat it or stuff it down my pants to impress the floozies in the jacuzzi. It was a tough choice but I decided to eat it and it was better than sex... With a sheep. I kid, I kid... No, really. Babababa.

(Toffee)

I'm not a dessert person but sometimes it's ok... A bite or two suits me fine. And that's what this was... A 2 biter. That's what she said. Oh, snap.

(Mousse thinger with peanut brittle)

This just looked weird... Oh, I'm stuffed, can't take another bite, you have it, hunnee bunnee. Knock yourself out.

A few items on the menu are misses but stick with the main attractions and you'll be fine. The service was purdy good, not too overbearing. The wine list changed a bit but you can still find some good ones on there that aren't a total rip off.

Good eats, True dat.

3 Stars.

659 Auburn Ave.
#501
Atlanta, GA 30312
404-688-0040
http://www.serpasrestaurant.com/default.php

Park's Edge

Holy fuck bag full of bollocks, guess who's doing an taping of "Kitchen Nightmares" in Atlanta at Park’s Edge from Sept. 9 to 12?

You guessed it, you fat donkey! The fucking donkey king himself, Gordon Ramsay!

If you're insulted by the crass language, you, too, can piss off, you wanker! Or you can feast your eyeballs on this medley of crap on a plate...

But before we go any further, let me say this restaurant is trying... It's quaint, cozy and has a nice neighborhood feel, even though the past restos in this same location failed miserably. But besides that, don't let me deter you away from making a visit, everyone's taste are different... I mean a pig eats in it's own feces, but that's a different kind of animal all together.

Let's take a gander at what the trough had to offer (even though everything basically came out all at once, imagine 4 large plates on a tiny table made for a 1 top)...

(Grilled Caesar Salad)

Why you trying to be fancy pants with this ruffage? A picture says a thousand + 2 words and they are... Dirty and Sanchez. Look at that dressing... It musta been made with brown anchovies from the seas of cheese, fromunda is my guess. This poor poor Romaine had a bad life already living in the dirt, you don't have to burn him to a crisp, do you? It was bitter tasting, wouldn't you be after all that? Crouton were stale and meteorite hard. You gotta wonder who was tossing their salad back there. Judging by the presentation, he had a real good western grip on this dish.

(Jumbo Lump Corn Crab Cakes)

Why do people put hot food on a spring mix? It's wilts them and turns them brown, never understood that rationale. Gives a whole new meaning to hot lunch. But the crab cakes were cold and soggy by the time it came out, the salad underneath was greasy from sitting around too long. Do I eat these things or rest them on my eye sockets like a pair of Arabian goggles? The crab cake fell apart with just a quick blow and stroke and separated in all different directions like the Bismarck going down. What's in that little pour cup you ask? Well, tis was a cilantro aioli... An aioli that was as gooey as the bloody battle on that ship. Looks like the Rear Admiral needs some extra zinc supplement. Squirt.

(Roasted PEI Mussels)

It looked good when it came out but after you take a good whiff of this spicy coconut lemongrass broth (quick, someone get me an Iraqi gas mask)... You'll want to excuse yourself from the table and give yourself a fishhook in the latrine. The mussels were tiny, I mean pearl tongue tiny, you might as well string them up and wear it like a pearl necklace. Why is there pico de gallo on the bread... What do you do with this? Mix it in with the watery broth and stir it with the bwead to thicken? I'm confused... Like the service. She was winking at me in the corner with this eerie fish eye like from under a glass bottom boat.

(Honey Marinated Flank Steak)

Prolly the best dish of the night, if you fuck up a friggin flank steak, you really should be mopping the floors instead. But the word "best" is far from it... The meat curtain was presented on the plate like a gorgeous pink sock but it was a little too sinewy for my palate. The garlic mashed potatoes were dry and gummy. The Cascabel fried onions were a fraud since there is no such thing as a Cascabel onion but they were crunchy, though. The "chimmi churrie" sauce... Well, let's not go there, Rancid is not just a band. Chef’s daily vegetable of asparagus were spot on, well done... Now, piss off.

This place can be so much more, given the area it's located and it's ambiance... It's a cool little spot. Give the sheep what they want (which is a good, clean, simple, and bold menu) and they will flock to you. Gordon, dude, light a fire under their ass and get them to do it right for fuck's sake.

The reservation email is inmanparkrest@gmail.com for the taping if you wanna experience the full wrath of a donkey punch from the master chef himself.

Hee Haw.

1 Star. (Pending donkey punch)

913 Bernina Avenue NE
Atlanta, GA 30307
404.584.7275
http://www.parksedgeatl.com/

La Fourchette Bistro & Lounge

Anyone who's been here knows there is no "lounge" up in this piece. It's a tiny bar in the corner. No one is lounging here nor do they want to. It's a restaurant. Period. Perhaps a "bistro" at best. Stop pretending you're more than what you are. You're not fooling anyone with eyes, even those with a brown eye. I hate the shit that restaurants pull but let's get back to the issue at hand... The food.

So, what is the cuisine? The name says French. The owners say Mediterranean. The menu says international. The crowd says geriatrics. Serio, yo, it was totally the older crowd, not that there is anything wrong with that but eating a meal surrounded by Fixodent and the silver haired gives me the creeps. Speaking of creepy... The host/owner is a scary presence. He reminded me of a dictator in some 3rd world country. He was holding this pen all night like it was a detonator. He seemed a little agitated when my 4 top became a 3 top because the 4th friend of a friend person bailed out for some reason or other. Relax, Hans Gruber. Shit happens, so please don't beat me with your shoe or bomb my place, just feed me, Mistor.


Beet Salad - It had beets and ruffage... Nothing to pull down your underpants about.


Sweet Bread - I love this shit but this tasted precooked and refired a couple minutes in the oven before it came out. It was chewy and dried out. It wasn't totally offal, though. Yeah, I know that was cheesy. Durrr.


Pork Tenderloin - Coulda been a little more pink on the inside but acceptable. Nothing really spectacular about this dish. I mean look at it, you can do this at home. What's with da canned corn kernels?


Pan Seared Scottish Salmon - Nice crispy skin and color but the salmon was a little dry inside. Seems like that's the protocol here, fire off a bunch of stuff pre-hand and cooked through 80% and then refired in the oven when the order comes in. Great for volume but not for taste... Especially, at this price point. Oh, joy, more canned cornholio. Anyone have teepee for my bung... Nevermind.


Pecorino Risotto - Rice, rice, baybee. That is all.


Tunisian Beignets - I'm not a dessert person but this was prolly the best dish of the night. Fluffy, fresh, moist fried dough with a blossom honey ice cream. Not too shabby. Oh, yeah and some shaved nuts... That's what she said.

Service was somewhat strange... A bit too formal for a "smart" casual joint. Mebbe it was for the blue hairs. Will I rush back here for the food? Likely not but they did just open their pizza place next door. Tartufo sounded interesting and promising but after seeing their 'ZA... No thanks. Mebbe in a couple months when they actually start using wood and not gas, electric or hamster wheel powered.

Yippee ki yay, mofo... I got your detonators right here.

2.5 Stars.

3133 Piedmont Road Northeast
Atlanta, GA 30305-2516

(404) 748-1229
http://lafourchette.co/

Goin' Coastal - Va-Hi

If this place sucks, y'all know I would go all fucking postal up in this piece, OMG I would... But believe it or not, I like this place, I liked it a lot. Unreal, right? The pouch liked a place like this? WTF?! I said liked not loved.

While it didn't make me piss unicorns and rainbows all over the other guests in the joint... The food was consistent and tasty, though. Some dishes work better than others but none was purge worthy. The price point hovers a little above what it should for cuisine like this which is basically a fish shack, a fish camp thinger. So, it better be spot on. Let's take a peeky toe at it, shall we...

(White Caesar Salad)

Tell me about the rabbits, George. Whatever... It's a salad. Whoop-dee-doo. The dressing was a little weak, more anchovies, pweez.

(She Crab Soup)

No worries, it's not contagious... There were hardly any crabs in there. It had decent flavor (a bit too much Sherry) but without the orange-hued crab roe as a garnish (or mixed in) it just isn't a true She Crab Soup. A couple of slivers of green onions ain't gonna cut it, slick.

(Grit & Lump Crab Fritters)

Give me balls or give me death! These crabby little nut jobs were crisply thin on the outside, light and airy on the inside. They kinda exploded in your mouth. That's what she said... No, really, the chick across from me said that. And let me tell ya, she knows what she's talkin about, Willis. The grits and crab were pretty subtle in flavor but I liked them nonetheless. Balls in your cheeks are always a good time... Sometimes in eye sockets, too, but that's a different story.

(Mussels)

Fat, plump and juicy... Just how I like my labia of the sea, sans beard. The broth was rich and flavorful. The bowl was really loaded up with it, so ask for more bwead to soak up that scrumptious vag juice. Slurp. Why is there a lone green bean in there? Musta fell outta the cook's bearded clam.

(Rock Shrimp Taco)

Oh, dear... Is that flour tortillas I smell? Yep. Ah, hell... I'll just go with it even though it looked like it came straight outta Taqueria Del Sol's dumpster. The Rock shrimp was pretty good, mebbe a little heavy on the batter. The corn kernels were a nice touch. Switch out flour torts for corn ones and this would go up 2 pumps and a squirt.

(Lobster Roll)

Do I even dare to try another shitty lobster roll in this one horse town? Fuck yeah, I do. These triple dog dares are getting tiresome. But... This was a very nice lobster roll, indeed. Homemade roll buttered and toasted (a little too much color on the bottom, read: blackened) that looked rather small but it held a good helping of lobster filler. Lobster was dressed well, mebbe needed a little less but who cares, the sweetness of the tender meat still came through. Shoe string like fwies were crispy and hot, nice. This was almost good enough for me to recommend... Alright, I recommend it. Available only on weekend lunch, go now.

(Lobster & Jumbo Lump Crab Cakes)

I'm almost as picky with crab cakes as I am with lobster rolls... And this one was a no contender. While it was passable, it lacked a lot of the standards of a classic crab cake. It fell apart too easily, it needed some type of structure and there were no discernible taste of either the crab or lobster. The filler was totally pulverized to sawdust like consistency. There were no lumps, no lovely lady lumps of crab or lobster. The haricot verts were fresh and snappy. Roasted taters were what they should be.

(Scallop Risotto)

The rather large diver scallops were cooked nicely... the risotto, not so much. They were kinda mushy and didn't have that tooth to it (oh, hell yeah, I did done gone there with "toothy", again). At this price point, you would expect a perfectly cooked risotto but it's a fish joint, whaddaya expect.

(King Salmon)

A quite decent sized pan roasted king salmon... Not too dried out like that old queen salmon in the corner (did I say that out loud? eww). Tis was seasoned well and cooked properly... C'mon, if you're screwing up a piece of salmon, you need to go back to Long Dong Silver's, they're hiring. Green beans still good and cobs of sweet corn were good, too. It was like a good meal you cook at home. Not hard to make but satisfying.

(Southern Fried Platter Combo- Oyster, Catfish, Gulf & Rock Shrimp)

Let me tell ya, this combo platter was very generous in a Dirk Diggler kinda way (I keep getting one frame flashbacks of it) and still looked friggin' appetizing even after feasting on all the other dishes. It's fried fish/seafood... Nothing tastes better in the whole world. Well, except for a whole roasted suckling piglet, lamb fries and a proper hamachi kama. The batter was spot on, seasoned well and fried well, look at that color. Perfect. Everything was hot, crispy and juicy. Only gripe was they coulda put more oysters in there. It's a hefty platter and the sides were good, too... That wonderful sauteed green beans and a cup of my cousin Vinny's grit.

This is the type of neighborhood joint that Va-Hi needs more of, not restaurant groups that pumps out the same monotonous Mexican't slop over and over again. If anyone asks me what's a good place to nosh that's reasonably priced... This would be it.

Burp and a squirt.

3 Stars.

1021 Virginia Ave NE
Atlanta, GA 30306

404-941-9117

http://goincoastalseafood.com/