Ippudo NY

St. Marks Place is a cool, hip, trendy area... Well, it used to be back in the days. Now, it's full of students and tourists. But still doesn't discount the fact that there's good and cheap grub to be had in this area. Go a few streets down and you can get sick ass KFC at Mono+Mono, go a few streets up and you got Momofuku's sick ass fried chicken that feeds like 80 people, mebbe that was 8, I forget. Speaking of Momofuku, their Noodle Bar started the whole noodle soup craze in NYC. But we're not here for the noodle bar, we're here for some Japanese Ramen...

Ippudo's been around for awhile now, it had it's ups and downs but business has never been better. As big as NYC is, decent tonkotsu ramen is hard to come by. I have to eat as many bowls of tonkotsu when I find a decent one. Shit is like crack to me and the 15 million other people in NYC... Except the veg-heads. They don't know what they're missing. Broth made out of dirty pig's feet and cooked until its disintegrated? Fuck yeah, bro.

I needed a quick snack before my lunch at ABC Kitchen, so I had some time to kill...

(Great Wall of Bowls)

(If they're serving these dusty old dried out noodles, I'll need a 12 pack of Sapporo)

(Hirata Pork Buns)

Similar the Chinese steamed buns but not as good. The relatively small piece of pork belly was good but the Napa cabbage cheapened it. These weren't cheap, though... More expensive than the $2 whore around the corner.

(Ippudo Teba Gyoza)

I lurv these things... Deep fried chicken wing stuffed with ground pork and veggies, vinegar shoyu sauce. Now, only if these Japanese chicken farmers can only grow them like this... It would be heaven, heaven I said.

(Shiromaru Hakata Classic)

"The original "Tonkotsu" noodle soup topped with pork loin chashu, kikurage, menma, red pickeled ginger, sesame and scallions". I can't read Japanese but this sounds purdy good to me... Especially, the pickeled ginger. I'll have a bowl, pweez. The broth was real nice, creamy, not too salty. The ramen was "toothy"... Ha, I used that filthy word, yes I did done that. It was a nice bowl of ramen. A great everyday comfort meal.

Ippudo, while it's been commercialized and tourist-fied as of late, still pumps out good food. I wouldn't go here every day because there's just way better places to eat around this area and on the cheap. But it's fun to come here every once in a while and laugh at the Gaijin who asks if they have California Rolls up in this piece.

Domo arigato, Mistor Roboto, bitches.

3.5 Stars.

65 4th Ave
New York, NY 10003

(212) 388-0088

http://www.ippudony.com/

5 Napkin Burger

Lookie here... We got another burger joint and a franchise no less. But this one is from a small New York chain and we all know we can't dismiss anything coming from New York. Yes, franchises suck but this was not always the case for 5 Napkin Burger. It spawned from a menu item from a pretty decent restaurant called Nice Matin and then exploded like a 16 year old in puberty ever since. They got locations in NYC, Boston and Miami... And now, Atlanta. But with NYC prices. Oh, joy. The shit is not cheap and we're not in NYC. Go figure.

Actually, I was kinda excited about it because 5NB was pretty good in NYC... But as with franchises goes, it doesn't always get better with quantity. You can bring a little piece of New York to the South but you may not get the same quality. I was hesitant to come here because I knew it would be swamped with everybody and their cougar moms. It's a good location (no other burger joints in sight), parking sucks dick, though... No pun intended but not that there's anything wrong with it.

Eh, fuck it, let's just get on with it... Y'all knew I had to do it sooner or later.

(Scales and Meat Hooks)

(Cornmeal Crusted Onion Rings -Blue cheese dressing & 5N sauce)

It was pretty good, except that it tasted more like Panko crust than cornmeal... Which was a plus. Coulda been a mix but who cares. It wasn't greasy and had a nice crispy crunch to it. The sauces sucked ass, the 5N sauce was horrid use ketchup instead. The price to rings ratio = total rip off.

(House Cured Pickles)

Tastes just like store bought bread & butter pickles but not as good. Totally forgot that these pickled flaps came with the lobster roll sliders, what a waste of like $4. Blah.

(Combo Platter -3 pieces sushi (tuna, yellowtail & salmon) 1 shrimp avocado roll, 1 spicy tuna roll)

HAHAHA!!! Yeah, yeah, I know what you're saying... Why da fuck would I order sushi from a burger joint. Because it's fucking there on the menu and it was such a freakshow. I had to do it... Because I live on the edge. Eating raw fish at a meat joint is a total Triple Dog Dare. So, how was it? One word: It Was Fucking Horrendous. I swear this shit was left over from Nickimoto's walk-in, a box of frozen fish in the corner. What a lovely present. The nigiri was sliced so poorly and thinly, you can read the rice beneath it... It said, "SUCKA!". Amateur hour at its finest but with celeb-lawyer prices.

(Original 5 Napkin Burger - 10 oz. fresh ground chuck, gruyere cheese, caramelized onions, rosemary aioli, soft white roll)

And now, da pièce de résistance! The 5 Napkin Burga...

(Under da hood)

Doesn't look bad. And it wasn't a bad burga. Not the best nor was it what I remembered it in NYC. It's a well constructed burger, the patty didn't fall apart but the toppings did. Gruyere was melted way too much and start oozing off like a Mississippi mud slide. The ground chuck needed more fat, it was kinda dry inside. The bread woulda been nice if it was buttered and toasted. The fries tasted like Mickey Dee'z nuts fwies but just not as tasty.

(Lobster Roll Sliders - Sweet Maine lobster with 5N mayo, scallions & cucumbers, on 3 toasted soft white rolls with bread & butter pickles)

I love my lobster rolls, gotta order it when I sees it. The lobster meat was borderline acceptable, lightly dressed but needed a tad more seasoning. The slider rolls needed to be buttered and toasted, desperately. It was so boring, tasted like a throwed roll that was tossed to you at some cheesy restaurant in Missouri. Get that roll thinger worked out and this would taste a lot better, prolly not by much. But at the end of the day, these sliders were just merely conversation. B&B pickles were as described, tiresome.

(Up and personal shot of these crustaceous rolls.)

Overall, a decent over-priced burger that the midtown crowd will gladly pay for. For me, at that NYC price point, I expected a helluva lot more. Better food execution at the very least. The service was attentive and good. This place is a hit already and will going to be in the future. It's been a friggin' gold mine since the doors opened. But it will be my first and last visit here. Been there, done that. Nothing exceptional to bring me back unless you're paying.

Suckaz.

1.5 Stars.

990 Piedmont Ave NE

Atlanta , Georgia 30309
404-685-0777
http://5napkinburger.com/midtown-atlanta

Slack's Restaurant and Bar

TOWN Brookhaven is one of the newest cookie-cutter live work play thinger in upstate Atlanta. I hate these complexes because they tend to become super ghetto after word gets out from atop of Stone Mountain. One thing is for sure, this Sembler project (which seems like it's been ongoing for millenniums) will have no problem with that crowd since the overwhelming amount of triple pleated shorts and pants act like a sperm whale's gills to filter out all the crap from this sanctuary of khaki's and Polo's.

The complex is set up to contain all your favorite chain restaurants with the relentless 'in your face' signs and crowds on the patios that can be easily seen from Peachtree road... But there was one unique place behind all that malarkey that I was pretty interested in trying since they opened. A place that claims to have authentic Philly Cheesesteaks with the Amoroso rolls. Holy fuck, I'm so down with OPP (Other People's Philthies).

So, there's a bunch of Slack's Hoagie Shack franchises in Philly... Was this another franchise location? I was stumped because the name was just Slack's and on their website was Slack's Restaurant and Bar. And if they were affiliated, why does their website give out the vibe that it's an independent operation? With a little digging, it turns out they are a franchise of Slack's Hoagie Shack as stated on their website (http://slackshoagies.com/locations.htm). All this smoke and mirrors seemed a little shady to me... But if the Philthy is authentic then who gives a shit.

I'm fucking starving, let's go eat some cheese wit!

Gotta start off with some hawt wangz... The pouch demanded it.

(Half & Half: Maniac and Lemon Pepper)

So, I ask the server for their hottest of the hottest wings they got and to include an extra side of the sauce because it's usually never hot enough for me, so I like to dip it in extra sauce. First look... It looked weak, real weak. I tasted the extra side of Maniac sauce and it tasted like watered down tomato sauce. WTF???!!! This was the most pathetic display of Buffalo wings I have ever tasted. The wings itself were fried properly but their hottest sauce was a joke. The lemon pepper were as expected... Boring. Snooze. Pouch was disappointed.

Enough of this pussy footing around... Let's get to the main event. Looked like my neighbor's mom made it for her 8 year old...

(Philly Cheesesteak)

Not exactly an attractive presentation... I know it's a cheesesteak and it shouldn't look all fancy-schmancy but does this look appetizing at all? Putting this on a plate is just wrong. A Philthy deserves better, it should be on wax paper in a plastic tray.

(Up close and personal... Where is el queso?)

Looks kinda dry doesn't it? Seriously, did they forget the provolone? Seemed like the steak was cooked ahead of time and reheated in the microwave. Took one bite and my fears were realized... Shit was dry as a 70 year old hag. If you stood it up vertically, it kinda looked like one, too. Oh, man, what a disappointment.

(Why is there sesame seeds on the roll?)

I'm baffled... Amoroso doesn't make a sesame roll or do they? And what's with the shiny glaze all over the roll? This looked unusual for an Amoroso roll and from what their website states... "The menu offers a taste of Philadelphia that includes Yuenling beers, Amroso rolls,". No wonder why it looked different, it was an AMROSO roll! And obviously, they also serve a knock-off of Yuengling beer, too.

(Italian Hoagie)

Oh, look... They used the same roll as the cheesesteak but it actually works with this sandwich, instead. This wasn't half bad. Good amount of meat and tasted like it should in an Italian Hoagie... Ok, mebbe a little on the dry side. I guess that's what the house recipe "hoagie oil" was for but it tasted like nothing but plain old used cooking oil. I was sure as hell ain't putting that on me sammie.

I don't really know what to think about this place. It seems like it's still searching for a personality, a niche, an identity in this town because people aren't exactly lining up for their Philly Cheesesteaks or anything else on that menu. Let's face it, it was not a Philthy in any way, shape or form. It was just a let down and disappointment. Oh, well, there's still Roy's Cheesesteaks...

BTW- They got pizza, too... Wait, nevermind.

1 Star.

305 Brookhaven Ave.
Suite B1250
Atlanta, GA 30319
404-602-5558
http://www.slacksatlanta.com/

One Eared Stag

Ever since Shaun's closed, Atlanta lost a piece of the forward thinking culinary institutions like the many before it. It was innovative, inspiring and just a plain old good food joint... But in the end, money talks and bullshit walks via burgers like so many others have done and over-done. This seems to be curse Atlanta has suffered since the Olympics... Decent good restaurants open but the city just won't support it. They prefer cheap eats and how much of it they can shovel down their piehole. Months passed and this space sat empty like so many other good restaurants that went belly up. But then there was a light at the end of this tunnel... And from an unlikely source, the people behind Holy Taco. Yeah yeah, more fucking Mexican't meat curtains, you say. But nope, tis was a sign from the almighty pouch above... A restaurant with a fresh and experimental menu.

Their menu may not be catered for people with small kids or no taste, but for pigs like me who will eat anything and everything... It's a blessing. Atlanta is so boring with the same dusty old meat and three, new Southern farm to table, free range, ass fed, spa treated sows, burgers, burgers and more burgers, new celebrity hot dog joints... It's like every menu reads the same because owners want to play it safe so diners will come in. I can understand that but that's what sheep do and sheep gets slaughtered. Did someone say mutton? I'm starving... And Snooki wants smoosh smoosh.

(Constantly changing menu and vittles)

Fuck yeah!

(Grilled Veal Heart, Chimichurri, Country Bwead)

So good... Tender and flava packed. It's been a long day, have a heart.

(Pork Lomo, Sweet Melon, Mint, Powdered Guajillo)

Savory and sweet... Whatever that means, tis was refreshing and great for this swamp ass Southern heat.

(Gazpacho with Tomato Crab Salad)

No one likes crabs in their pants but in a cold summer soup, hellz yeah!

(Buttermilk Fried Chicken Necks with Kimchi)

Sounds so stupid and meatless but I kinda liked it... Shit, I like anything fried on a chicken. Have y'all ever tried fried chicken uterus? It's delish. The kimchi on here were kinda weird and the necks were a little too salty. But I ate the shit outta it, tho.

(Fried Pig Ears with Fried Egg)

Pig ear fries! Can you hear me now, you delicious little bastards?! It sounds like crunch, crunch, squirt... Of the egg yolk. This dish was fun and tasty.

(Fried Smelt, Meyer Lemon)

Smelt it, dealt it... And I'll do it again. One word: Addictive. They were like gourmet fish sticks. Lurved it.

(Rillette Fritter with Fried Egg)

Leftover bits and scraps of pizzle, nipples, ball sacks, hoof nails, snout, entrails, worms' meat and fromunda, Robot-Couped and shaped like a cow patty, breaded and fried. Not too shabby.

(Padron Peppers)

Hmm, looks like someone's been to Shoya cuz these thingers taste just like the Shishito peppers. Totally addictive and tasty... Like good weed. Everything's sooooo gween...

(Grilled Baby Artichokes, Pistachios)

OMG... but without the cheese. These baby artichokes were lip and sack smacking guud... You know, cuz they look like little balls.

(Cold Eggplant)

The picture looks like shit but it tasted pretty damn good. And it was eggplant... Can you believe that shit? Eggplant. Melanzana. Moulie. Alright, Rocko!

(Seafood Stew)

Bowl of sea creastures. Not the best dish on the menu but interesting enough to try out. And no, it ain't bouillabaisse. And the verdict: decent but not the favorite on the table. A bit over salted.

(Potatoes with Salmon Roe)

This is food porn. Balls on balls action. Interesting combination but it works... Kinda like that, porker, Ron Jeremy's prolific career of banging hot babes. How you ask? Don't question the powers that be. Just eat it and shut up.

(Ginormous Ribeye)

Well hung and well cooked, medium rare... Just how I like my man meat. Nothing beats a nice hot juicy piece of meat in one's mouth... Isn't that right, Tom Cruise? We all know your lil secwet. You can't handle the truth nor this ginormous piece of meat.

(Pork Belly)

Ok, pork belly is so played out... Well, almost. But who can say no to pork belly? Me. I said no to this. Look at that gigantic hunk of pure fat. While it had amazing color, 2/3 of it was pure belly fat, I shit you not. Look at it, you just gained 2 lbs staring at it, right? I asked the server if this looked out of place, he said that he loves fat and he would totally eat all of that. I said, well, it's your lucky day, here, I'm sending it back for a leaner piece. The second fire was a lot better but the visual was a lot meeker, it tasted fine and the veggie niblets cut the fattiness and richness of the belly. I feel like Kirstie Alley.

(Pickled Veggies)

Oh, talk about misses... This one was a major miss. It was almost inedible. It looked like a witch's brew, a cauldron of crap. Send it back whence it came, demonspawn!

(Risotto)

Not a traditional risotto in every sense but I don't expect it when I'm eating here. This shit was rich, real rich with heavy cream, cheeses and a little corn, bean salad to balance it out or at least try to... Look at all the oil surrounding the mound of rice like a moat. But let me tell ya, it was purdy tasty except it was over salted, which everyone knows can destroy a great risotto or any dish for that matter... And slimy slugs, also.

We noticed that the chef and sous chef were mysteriously absent one particular night, so all the dishes, while visually appealing and well constructed, were way over salted. The food might not hit every note every single time, but it's refreshing to see a menu that is consistently changing and revolving... And that is exactly what Atlanta needs even though Atlanta might not be ready for it. At least not for the masses yet but the people who love food and want food of this type are very happy that there is place that will challenge the cooks and the customers in a symbiotic relationship. But not like Venom and the symbiote suit... I wonder if you can eat it, like edible undies.

Good stuff. Can't wait to see what's next on their menu.

Squeal.

3.5 Stars.

1029 Edgewood Avenue
Atlanta, GA 30307
404-525-4479
http://www.oneearedstag.com/

OMG Taco

Once again, the masses of Atlanta never fails to prove they have no taste whatsoever... It's almost embarrassing that they're writing 5 star reviews containing words such as the "most unique foods", "AWESOME!" or comparing this food better than "Cheetos". Where the fuck am I? It is embarrassing. Someone open a giant door because a window ain't enough... The lack of oxygen must be killing off their brain cells and taste buds. Mebbe, that's why they obscenely abuse the use of acronyms here. I'm getting a headache already and I haven't even taken a bite of this Korean bearded clam. FML.

Sweet Lime was abysmal... I still can't get that smell and taste of ammonia in their rancid sushi out of my head from years ago. It would be no big feat for anyone to replace this dump with anything remotely edible... Wait a minute, I might have prematurely put my mouth in front of my foot. So, now comes a new Korean Taco joint from a San Diego Taco Truck operator. Mebbe, I should just put my foot in my mouth instead.

Anyhoo, I met up with some friends here because they wanted to try it out since they never leave L5P. Hey, I'm always game for gaudy gimmicky shit. The service seemed like they came off the back of a truck near the border. They don't know the menu, the name of the items, the pricing nor what toppings came with each item. It was an absolute circus freakshow... No shortage of that in this part of town. But can it be any worse than that slop at Hankook? Wait, don't answer that, just take a gander at this shit...

(Short Rib Tacos - OMG's Special Soy Sauce marinated short rib)

First look, the tortillas were actually corn. Nice, you get a point there. Then there's the filling... The short rib was tough, chewy and diced in small cubes... No, it wasn't liver, it was supposedly short rib. If this meat was marinated in that special sauce, that special sauce musta been water because it had no taste whatsoever and that snoozer of a slaw acted as a cover like that burlap sack over the elephant man's deformed noggin. Don't forget about the mixed shredded cheese, nope, they sure didn't. Thank goodness, bottles of Cholula was at the ready. It was the only way to work that down your gullet and out your bunghole.

(Fish Tacos - Special San Diego Style Beer battered fish served with OMG Tartar Sauce)

Holy shit, look at this spectacle will you? I swear I have seen this scene before in a Peter North video. That stud has enough jizz to drown 3 girls at will... And it looks like so does OMG. This fish taco never had a chance in this circle jerk. The tartar sauce was so overwhelming that you might as well pour some Pepto over this snatch patch and called it a Pink Taco just to eat this out. The fried fish hidden in the masa vulva could be considered an UFO... Unidentified Frying Object. I think they drank all the beer before they added it to the batter. Hite. Oh, look, more bad shredded bag cheese... On, fried fish no less.

(Spicy Pork Tacos - Pork meat seasoned with Sweet Korean Chili Paste & garlic)

Baffling, no hint of any type of spice in this sawdust of prok mince meat. If this was spicy than I'm a pimple on a monkey's butt. That slaw is really giving me the creeps right about now... Shit is on everything like a roach crawling all over my provisions in my pantry. Pass the Cholula, esé... Cuz this thing is putting my dancing feet to sleep. Make it a hat trick and pile on some more of that great queso. Con queso? Si, con mucho queso, por fav.

(OMFG Super Fries w/ a bunch of crap and caramelized Kimchee)

Look at this exhibit of funk. It looks like it came out of a kindergarten class. Crap upon crap upon crap. The "any choice of meat" listed on the menu turned out to be $1 extra... Talk about bait and switch. When asked about why it's extra, their answer was "the menu is wrong, we have to change that". Excuse me, isn't menu development the #1 thing you should consider before you open for business? This is so fucking amateur and annoys the fuck outta me. The fries sucked, the crappy bag of mixed Mexican't cheese was barely melted and clumped together like hamster vomit in the corner, the slaw was barely dressed, seasoned and totally bland as tree bark. The caramelized kimchee was no where to be found like the flavor. Thank gawd we didn't give them the extra dollar for more dried out pork dandruff.

(OMG Naked Bowl aka Bi Bim Bap)

Mixed feelings... Like this crap in a box going over a cliff, in my new taco truck. According to the menu, this was supposed to come with meat... But to be consistently moronic, let's just get properly Rogered by paying that extra $1 for a spoonful of dried jerky meat. This entire beast was under-seasoned and uninspiring. It was as exciting as a monkey picking lice of another's back... Wait, that is pretty interesting and fun to watch. Bet that lice taste better than this quagmire. What?! No cheese? I want a refund.

You may be able to pull the wool over most of the people's eyes in this one horse town since they have never had a real Korean taco before but don't be surprised if you are called out by the ones who know better. How can you compromised on the quality and give the California taco truck a bad name, it's sacrilegious. I feel so violated.

There are no words for this... It's just plain bad. This is worse than Hankook Taqueria and HT is a watered down hot mess. Even the most destitute of college kids wouldn't eat this. What am I talking about, of course they would... They would eat the shit of outta this stuff. And that's all that needs to be said.

0.5 Star... For the corn tortillas.

Flush.

1126 Euclid Ave.
Atlanta, GA 30307
(404) 343-3860
www.ohmmgogi.com

Totto Ramen

This place may be tiny but don't let their looks fool ya... People aren't waiting outside for up to an hour for a taste of that dried up shit you ate in college from Kroger for 20 cents a bag laden with MSG. Oh, wait, excuse me... They call it Umami, now. If you want real ramen, you have to look real hard and these places are sometimes semi-difficult to find. But once you do, you're in for a real treat... It's orgasm in your mouth. Wait, that didn't cum out right... Ugh, you know what I mean...

( Totto Ramen does not accept reservations, does not allow take out, and we do not deliver! )
Fuckin' awesome.

(Ika-Yaki)

Skewered and torched squid with chef’s special ginger sauce & scallion.
Yum. Yum. Squirt.

(Chicken Paitan Ramen)
Homemade noodles cooked al dente in a whole chicken and premium soy sauce based soup topped with scallion, onion, char siu pork.
I can't bweathe...

(Spicy Ramen)
Original Rayu, Spicy Sesame Oil, adds a spicy kick and refreshing aftertaste to the original Paitan ramen.Topped with scallion, char siu pork, bean sprouts, and nori.

Spicy sauce is on the side and make sure you double down on it.

(Now, it's Spicy Ramen... Double dose)

Someone open a window...

This is the real deal... It's not Korean owned, not Chinese owned, not Vietnamese owned, not even Eskimo owned, it's Japanese owned and operated and they take their noodles seriously.

Good shit.

Burp.

4 Stars.

366 W 52nd Street
New York, NY 10019
(212) 582-0052
http://tottoramen.com/

The Mermaid Oyster Bar

NYC has a million and one seafood joints... A lot of them are good but this one is fun, hip and cozy in one of my favorite hometown hoods. Da Village. MacDougal Street has some of the best eats in the city and all on one street. Artichoke is across da street, Minetta up the street, Meskerem a stone's throw away, Luxor cafe and Kati Roll to name a few but Mermaid is da bomb...

(My little buttercup)

(East Coast Little Necks and Oysters - Sans beard)

No need to close your legs... The best smelling kind of clam laid out in front of my snout to lick and slurp. So fwesh and good.

(Lobster roll, Old Bay fwies and slaw)

(Side shot. Squirt)

Not your standard Maine style lobster roll in a top split buttered bun but it's no chopped liver either... Wait, I love chopped liver, nevermind. The roll is very nice but I prefer the top split bun to hold in the lobster. With rolls like this, the filling falls out way too easily. Speaking of the filling... The lobster was chunky, sweet, moist, tender, lightly dressed and seasoned. Perfect. The Old Bay dusted fries were crispy and delicious but a tad salty. The slaw was pretty weak and bland... It was like no one even tasted it.

(Mousse thinger)

(Fortune Teller fun!)

This was so cool. It's a plastic film in the shape of a fish that you put on the palm of your hand and it tells your fortune depending how it curls or flips based on the heat you're giving off. I think mine was "fickle". No shit, Sherlock.

This restaurant just oozes New York City standards that most restaurants around the nation can only wish to achieve. I'm not talking about fine dining achievement but a wonderful menu that you can eat on a daily basis. There's a lot more great stuff on the menu but I'll save it for next time.

Burp.

3.5 Stars.

79 MacDougal Street
New York, NY 10012
212-260-0100
http://www.themermaidnyc.com/oyster/