OMG Taco

Once again, the masses of Atlanta never fails to prove they have no taste whatsoever... It's almost embarrassing that they're writing 5 star reviews containing words such as the "most unique foods", "AWESOME!" or comparing this food better than "Cheetos". Where the fuck am I? It is embarrassing. Someone open a giant door because a window ain't enough... The lack of oxygen must be killing off their brain cells and taste buds. Mebbe, that's why they obscenely abuse the use of acronyms here. I'm getting a headache already and I haven't even taken a bite of this Korean bearded clam. FML.

Sweet Lime was abysmal... I still can't get that smell and taste of ammonia in their rancid sushi out of my head from years ago. It would be no big feat for anyone to replace this dump with anything remotely edible... Wait a minute, I might have prematurely put my mouth in front of my foot. So, now comes a new Korean Taco joint from a San Diego Taco Truck operator. Mebbe, I should just put my foot in my mouth instead.

Anyhoo, I met up with some friends here because they wanted to try it out since they never leave L5P. Hey, I'm always game for gaudy gimmicky shit. The service seemed like they came off the back of a truck near the border. They don't know the menu, the name of the items, the pricing nor what toppings came with each item. It was an absolute circus freakshow... No shortage of that in this part of town. But can it be any worse than that slop at Hankook? Wait, don't answer that, just take a gander at this shit...

(Short Rib Tacos - OMG's Special Soy Sauce marinated short rib)

First look, the tortillas were actually corn. Nice, you get a point there. Then there's the filling... The short rib was tough, chewy and diced in small cubes... No, it wasn't liver, it was supposedly short rib. If this meat was marinated in that special sauce, that special sauce musta been water because it had no taste whatsoever and that snoozer of a slaw acted as a cover like that burlap sack over the elephant man's deformed noggin. Don't forget about the mixed shredded cheese, nope, they sure didn't. Thank goodness, bottles of Cholula was at the ready. It was the only way to work that down your gullet and out your bunghole.

(Fish Tacos - Special San Diego Style Beer battered fish served with OMG Tartar Sauce)

Holy shit, look at this spectacle will you? I swear I have seen this scene before in a Peter North video. That stud has enough jizz to drown 3 girls at will... And it looks like so does OMG. This fish taco never had a chance in this circle jerk. The tartar sauce was so overwhelming that you might as well pour some Pepto over this snatch patch and called it a Pink Taco just to eat this out. The fried fish hidden in the masa vulva could be considered an UFO... Unidentified Frying Object. I think they drank all the beer before they added it to the batter. Hite. Oh, look, more bad shredded bag cheese... On, fried fish no less.

(Spicy Pork Tacos - Pork meat seasoned with Sweet Korean Chili Paste & garlic)

Baffling, no hint of any type of spice in this sawdust of prok mince meat. If this was spicy than I'm a pimple on a monkey's butt. That slaw is really giving me the creeps right about now... Shit is on everything like a roach crawling all over my provisions in my pantry. Pass the Cholula, esé... Cuz this thing is putting my dancing feet to sleep. Make it a hat trick and pile on some more of that great queso. Con queso? Si, con mucho queso, por fav.

(OMFG Super Fries w/ a bunch of crap and caramelized Kimchee)

Look at this exhibit of funk. It looks like it came out of a kindergarten class. Crap upon crap upon crap. The "any choice of meat" listed on the menu turned out to be $1 extra... Talk about bait and switch. When asked about why it's extra, their answer was "the menu is wrong, we have to change that". Excuse me, isn't menu development the #1 thing you should consider before you open for business? This is so fucking amateur and annoys the fuck outta me. The fries sucked, the crappy bag of mixed Mexican't cheese was barely melted and clumped together like hamster vomit in the corner, the slaw was barely dressed, seasoned and totally bland as tree bark. The caramelized kimchee was no where to be found like the flavor. Thank gawd we didn't give them the extra dollar for more dried out pork dandruff.

(OMG Naked Bowl aka Bi Bim Bap)

Mixed feelings... Like this crap in a box going over a cliff, in my new taco truck. According to the menu, this was supposed to come with meat... But to be consistently moronic, let's just get properly Rogered by paying that extra $1 for a spoonful of dried jerky meat. This entire beast was under-seasoned and uninspiring. It was as exciting as a monkey picking lice of another's back... Wait, that is pretty interesting and fun to watch. Bet that lice taste better than this quagmire. What?! No cheese? I want a refund.

You may be able to pull the wool over most of the people's eyes in this one horse town since they have never had a real Korean taco before but don't be surprised if you are called out by the ones who know better. How can you compromised on the quality and give the California taco truck a bad name, it's sacrilegious. I feel so violated.

There are no words for this... It's just plain bad. This is worse than Hankook Taqueria and HT is a watered down hot mess. Even the most destitute of college kids wouldn't eat this. What am I talking about, of course they would... They would eat the shit of outta this stuff. And that's all that needs to be said.

0.5 Star... For the corn tortillas.

Flush.

1126 Euclid Ave.
Atlanta, GA 30307
(404) 343-3860
www.ohmmgogi.com

Totto Ramen

This place may be tiny but don't let their looks fool ya... People aren't waiting outside for up to an hour for a taste of that dried up shit you ate in college from Kroger for 20 cents a bag laden with MSG. Oh, wait, excuse me... They call it Umami, now. If you want real ramen, you have to look real hard and these places are sometimes semi-difficult to find. But once you do, you're in for a real treat... It's orgasm in your mouth. Wait, that didn't cum out right... Ugh, you know what I mean...

( Totto Ramen does not accept reservations, does not allow take out, and we do not deliver! )
Fuckin' awesome.

(Ika-Yaki)

Skewered and torched squid with chef’s special ginger sauce & scallion.
Yum. Yum. Squirt.

(Chicken Paitan Ramen)
Homemade noodles cooked al dente in a whole chicken and premium soy sauce based soup topped with scallion, onion, char siu pork.
I can't bweathe...

(Spicy Ramen)
Original Rayu, Spicy Sesame Oil, adds a spicy kick and refreshing aftertaste to the original Paitan ramen.Topped with scallion, char siu pork, bean sprouts, and nori.

Spicy sauce is on the side and make sure you double down on it.

(Now, it's Spicy Ramen... Double dose)

Someone open a window...

This is the real deal... It's not Korean owned, not Chinese owned, not Vietnamese owned, not even Eskimo owned, it's Japanese owned and operated and they take their noodles seriously.

Good shit.

Burp.

4 Stars.

366 W 52nd Street
New York, NY 10019
(212) 582-0052
http://tottoramen.com/

The Mermaid Oyster Bar

NYC has a million and one seafood joints... A lot of them are good but this one is fun, hip and cozy in one of my favorite hometown hoods. Da Village. MacDougal Street has some of the best eats in the city and all on one street. Artichoke is across da street, Minetta up the street, Meskerem a stone's throw away, Luxor cafe and Kati Roll to name a few but Mermaid is da bomb...

(My little buttercup)

(East Coast Little Necks and Oysters - Sans beard)

No need to close your legs... The best smelling kind of clam laid out in front of my snout to lick and slurp. So fwesh and good.

(Lobster roll, Old Bay fwies and slaw)

(Side shot. Squirt)

Not your standard Maine style lobster roll in a top split buttered bun but it's no chopped liver either... Wait, I love chopped liver, nevermind. The roll is very nice but I prefer the top split bun to hold in the lobster. With rolls like this, the filling falls out way too easily. Speaking of the filling... The lobster was chunky, sweet, moist, tender, lightly dressed and seasoned. Perfect. The Old Bay dusted fries were crispy and delicious but a tad salty. The slaw was pretty weak and bland... It was like no one even tasted it.

(Mousse thinger)

(Fortune Teller fun!)

This was so cool. It's a plastic film in the shape of a fish that you put on the palm of your hand and it tells your fortune depending how it curls or flips based on the heat you're giving off. I think mine was "fickle". No shit, Sherlock.

This restaurant just oozes New York City standards that most restaurants around the nation can only wish to achieve. I'm not talking about fine dining achievement but a wonderful menu that you can eat on a daily basis. There's a lot more great stuff on the menu but I'll save it for next time.

Burp.

3.5 Stars.

79 MacDougal Street
New York, NY 10012
212-260-0100
http://www.themermaidnyc.com/oyster/

Ça Va Todd English

How's it going, brah?

I'm fucking starving, boo. Feed me!

So, I'm back home and up in Times Square area for business and needed a good place to chow down a quick snack before lunch... I fucking hate tourist central but where to eat, where to eat? Ah, Todd English is around the corner and I heard he was an ok chef (I kid, I kid), why not give it a try? They got a great deal for déjeuner, they call it the Ça Va"Restaurant Week", three courses for $24.07 that's available year round and rotates weekly... Even though, it seems like it's just for NYC resto week. Enough, about the little details, let's get to the quick and dirty...

(Lobster Bisque & Lobster Sandwich)

The bisque was vibrant, silky smooth, creamy, fragrant and just tasted fucking amazing. I mean, just look at it, you know it'll be good. The lobster sandwich was basically a lobster roll in slider form. Shit was awesome. I could eat 3 rounds of this and be happy.

(Pate)

Pretty much classic French pate course. It wasn't sack blowing out of this world good but it was tasty.

(Lamb Tenderloin)

Cooked perfect. Look at that color! It was so good, as with the Peruvian purple mash taters, too. Mary had a little lamb, Little lamb, Little lamb, Mary had a little lamb, It's flesh was cooked medium rare.

(Monkfish)

Can you believe this dish at this price point? This was incredible. The monkfish seared perfectly outside and moist and firm inside. Then you got artichokes, new potatoes and tomato puree/sauce. So fresh, so bright, so guuuud! You know, these frogs are good for something since we liberated them from the krauts.

(Sorbet - Mango & Raspberry)

(Blueberry Lemon Cheesecake)

Todd English did it again! Great food and a great deal in any language... Even if you don't speak Engrish. Run, don't walk... And don't take a cab or a subway because you'll never make it on time.

Garçon! Check, pweez! I got lunch rez in 20 minutes downtown... Or I can just stay here for lunch since my fat ass is planted already.

Burp.

4 Stars.

310 W 44th Street
New York, NY 10036
212-803-4545
http://www.cavatoddenglish.com/

The Shed at Glenwood

Wednesday night sliders night time!

At $3 a piece, they are a steal and the selections are all wonderfully tasty and filling. These ain't no ghetto ass Krystal's burgers... Not that they aren't good when you're fucked up because they are, especially, when you got the munchies. Anyhoo, back to these little beauties. Lance et al don't mess around on these simple party favors. There's something for everyone. 3 is enough for a normal height human being and a feast if you're a midget... Oh shit, my bad, I meant a little person, someone who is 3 sliders high. And then there's the pouch, me. I have to order everyone of them...

(Heirloom Tomatoes & Fresh Mozza)

(Simple Summer Salad)

(Gazpacho)

(Brisket)

(Baby Back Rib (just remember to take out the bones, duurr), Fried Trout, Chorizo)

(Prosciutto & Fig, Fried Chicken (mmm, cheekan), Fried Green Tomato)

This place rarely disappoints. No matter what you get it's consistently good whether you get a simple slider or a more filling entree. One of the best neighborhood joints in the city. I wished it was closer to me... Wait, that would be bad. I would be three-effin-hundred pounds.

3 Stars.

475 Bill Kennedy Way
Atlanta GA 30315
404.835.4363
http://www.theshedatglenwood.com/

The Vinings Fish Company

One can only wonder why, The Burger Club, didn't work out during the great orgy of the burger debauchery of yesteryear like dogs in heat. I mean everyone was inhaling any and all available man meat like the heydays of Backstreet. But then BC quietly had a sex change and emerged as a seafood joint. It just seems like they don't know what they want to be. Are they doing a tucky? Turn around and bend over, is there a fruit basket back there? But seriously, can a seafood joint work not only way inland but also way out in Vinings as well? Let's get our fishing gear and see what we catch... It's ok, I got Valtrex just in case.

(Hushpuppies - Dericious dog balls)

Hush Puppies - Shut yo mouth! These were actually pretty tasty, most others are dry as a 70 yr old wimman. Dip them in the bisque and store them in your cheeks, it's ok, no one is looking... Except me because there is nothing sexier. Oh wait, wrong blog.

(Lobster Bisque - Well, that's what they called it)

Lobster Bisque - A couple chunks of claw meat and a pretty weak, watery and oily soup... Or is that rusty pipe water? Is there anyone in Atlanta that can actually make a decent bisque that's worth the price they charge? Don't answer that, I already know. Next...

(Lobster Roll- Maine Style)

I have a weakness for lobster rolls, if Taco Bell made one I would get it. At $26, this lobster roll better rank way up there with the best of them. Sorry, Charlie, you lose. No such luck. Just look at this poor specimen. The bread was dry toasted, no butter, no flavor, no use. The lobster meat which they claim is 1 1/4 lb. was mostly claw meat and bits of what look to be tail meat. I assume they meant precooked weight but there was no way this was even close to a 1 pound sea roach. This chicken of the sea of a hoagie roll was extremely lackluster on all points of a $26 sandwich. Basically, a total rip-off and an insult to anyone with taste buds. Don't ask about the fwies. Just move along, move along...

(Fried Shrimp & Chips (Green beans sub)

Six medium size shrimp that had a steroid bath in gooey thick batter and fried to a greasy gut bomb popper. I love fried shit but come on, Sanchez, I don't want it to slide down my throat, right past my intestines and right outta my colon before I even pay the check. But the green beans were pretty fwesh but under-seasoned.

Service was scarce during lunch hours but friendly enough... The place was pretty much empty. Getting the check proved difficult, I circled the entire place looking for the server until I walked by the kitchen and there he was, chomping away on gratis vittles. I woulda too, since there were no customers there to eat the food.

I don't see much hope for this place. The location looks prime but the shops around there were as dead as this place. If burgers couldn't sell here, then the $26 lobster hoagie roll is definitely out of the question... So, are my future dinner reservations.

No rating.

4300 Paces Ferry Road
Suite 150
Atlanta, GA 30339
678-888-9036
www.greatfoodinc.com/vfc/The_Vinings_Fish_Company.html

IL Localino

Where do you even begin with this place, it was such a hot mess of a freak show... Oh, that's right. I'll start with walking through the door and getting cock blocked by what looks to be tables stacked 3 high, wrapped up in table cloths which doubled as a liquor/wine shelf. Take a look around and it's just shit upon shit all over the place, not just regular old shit... But gaudy and kitschy shit. I thought I walked into an episode of Hoarders.

I know this joint has been around for millenniums but shit dude, you don't have to keep everything you find on the side of the road. That poster of the new Bartle & Jaymes Fuzzy Navel Wine Cooler is not helping the cause, I kid I kid. They need to do an episode of Intervention up in this piece, STAT. This is Goodfellas meets Three's Company. Seriously, I thought I saw Janet's hairdo and Jack's camel toe pants by the corner table... Ralph Furley was explaining what the word coitus meant to Chrissy in the bathroom.

I'll admit it, I was somewhat entertained with the gross amount of junk in there and the blasting of bad 60's, 70's and 80's music... That is until the smoke machine started squirting away at my scungilli with white smegma. The service is overwhelming, what happened to one server per table? The staff in old school waitron gear (vest, apron and all the doodads) were like vultures circle jerking around looking for a piece of ass. Worse than a used car salesman. Pushing and pushing to order drinks and apps over and over again. When asked about the summer prix fixe menu that's posted on their website, a look of a man staring into the abyss appeared... And all of the sudden the server was "No speaka English". The owner on the other hand was a very sweet and gentle giant of a man... Ok, he looked like a cross between Captain of Captain & Tenille and Gallagher. But lovely nonetheless, acting the bit role of a fresh off da boat gracious Eyetalian. It was so over the top that it even makes Olive Garden look respectable. But how is the food on the "Grand Menu"? Average price for a dish was $25, yes, I'm talking boxed pasta at this price point. Trapped. I hope this shit is good. Since, I wasn't super hungry I wanted to order a couple of the classics...

Bread service was fine, warm crusty bread and soft on the inside came with garlic herb butter, blue cheese, olives and a pseudo pesto of parsley and oil. And then comes the entrees not long after. I did walk by the kitchen to take a peek and one look was all I needed. Let's just say HB 87 would have a field day in here. Not only was the front of the house in total disarray, the kitchen was in a state of anarchy. Oh hell, I got on this amusement ride already might as well finish it.

(Calamari & Scungilli aka Snatch in a Bowl)

Calamari & Scungilli Fra Diavolo ala Patsy - I don't know if this was a spin-off of the famous Pasty's Lobster Fra Diavolo in NYC but look at this specimen will ya? ...Basically, crap in bowl with canned peppers for the heat. Previously frozen squid rings (no tentacles/legs) and canned bits of snail doused in what basically is a plain old can of tomatoes smooshed with their feet for seasoning. The lovely owner kept asking me if I like-a spicy like a broken record and never gave me a chance to answer, so I acted like a FOB and nodded my head while doing the V sign. It was edible but not by much, it tasted very ordinary in a school cafeteria kinda way with a bam of chopped parsley and sage on the lip of the plate a la Emeril. And they forgot my side of pasta that comes with it... A blessing in disguise. But he did bring me more of those "spicy" canned peppers at the end of my meal. Woohoo! Squirt.

(Veal Parm, seriously, what is that???)

Filet of Veal Parmigiana (with four imported cheeses) - Keyword: Cheese. Holy Limberger, Batman! These 4 little thin mystery patties were smothered with so much mozzarella, you couldn't tell if they were imported from Afghanistan or Fromunda. These Magic Sliders were doused in the same exact can of pod-seasoned tomato sauce. I swear I thought I was having a fucking recurring nightmare. Freddy Kruger, just fucking kill me already. And what's with the dill garnish? Totally fucking vexed.

Not to be out done by the aggressive pricing on the pedestrian Grand Menu, the wine selection was obscenely over-priced for low rent wines... I mean these wines are so cheap even a hobo wouldn't drink it, let alone cook with it (wait, it's too expensive for them to waste cooking with it). The Ruffino Chianti Superiore is a joke of a wine but the last laugh was had by them at $9.50 a glass when it retails for $9.99 a bottle, vendor prices is prolly around $6 a bottle. Shameless and proud of it. Holy fuck, baffles the mind. When in doubt, stick with beer.

The most amusing part of this fine dining experience was getting the check and a take out box for a few scraps of leftovers (why take leftovers from here is beyond me but my dining accomplice wanted it, which they forgot). First, the check- 20 minutes wait time. Reason- they supposedly hand write the check and do the math via an Abacus. I kept waving the 80 servers scurrying around down and their reply every time was "It's a coming". Ok, it might be kitschy to do it the old fashioned way but enough is enough, c'mon, Giuseppe. I think the lack of service surfaced at the end because we didn't order enough, a classic old school industry practice that punishes the customer by ignoring and dragging it on because of a lower tip amount from a smaller check. The check finally arrives and there is a major case of fuzzy math... 3 times the cost. It was corrected with tip added into it. I paid cash and needed about $17 change back, server looks at me and asks me if I needed change as if the pre-applied 18% tip wasn't enough for him, he wanted 100%. He threw down my change and walked off. Thank Gawd, I didn't want a good night kiss from you anyways, dickcheese.

After reading some of the 5 star reviews off Opentable, I am mystified by how many people have bad taste in this town. At this rate, Atlanta will become a culinary destination in just a tad over 25 yrs. This was one of the most unusual and maniacal experience I have ever had. I rather get a Pap Smear than to go through this enigma again. One thing's for sure, I'll never forget this circus sideshow. Ever.

Cuckoo cuckoo.

0 Star.

467 N. highland ave
Atlanta, GA 30307
(404) 222-0650
http://www.localino.info