Seafood & Crawfish (Thien Thanh)

I don't know if Thien Thanh is trying to ride on Crawfish Shack's successful wave or not but it sure as dick seems like it. But is it working? Let's say they're about a year too late and a two dollar whore short. They're even too cheap to give it a real name.

I liked TT's Viet-noshery before they created this monstrosity... The grub wasn't out of this world but their pho, banh mi, bun and co'm were all acceptable when you're hungover as fuck. So, why the switch over to New Orleans chow? The food is borderline at best and will never have the following of the dedicated Crawfish Shack. They might as well switch back to the former because it's deader than dead up in this piece. Speaking of TT's, the scantily clad cute chick with the ginormous glorious rack of lamb is still there taking orders with the phone stuck to her head (how much fucking gossip can there be in her little world?). Thank God for all the mirrors in that joint, so I's can keep an eye or six on those magnificent Po'gals without looking obvious and desperate.

(Fried Platter of stuff- Skrimps, fish, fries and gumbo)

Too heavy on the cornmeal crust, the overly deep brown coloring and faint smell of Castrol meant only one thing- old oil. This ain't Dyer's fried burger is it? Gumbo was bland, lacked filé and too liquidity... Kinda like me 10 minutes later. Fries, no comment except... What can brown bag do for you?

(Skrimp Po'boy)

It was edible but the skrimp was a bit over fried and hard, the bread was fine (soft and crusty), and the filler was spot on, weeeee! It was as interesting as watching cow dung dry.

(Double Twouble- Just like the chick's Po'gals)

(Seafood Boil for One)

Decent deal for a good amount of grub but after a few bites you kinda wanna pawn it off to the hobos lurking nearby. The seasoning will be pretty spicy to most (as evident by the red lips and sniffling snotty honkers) but some of the ingredients were obviously frozen. Mussels were tough and chewy, crawfish were sub-standard size, king crab legs were thin and stringy, whole crab was decent and the corn and tater were mushy. Anyone who finishes this in one sitting will have a surprise...

Squirt.

1 Star.

5219 Buford Hwy
Doraville, GA 30340
(770) 676-0512

Smashburger

Here we go again... Atlanta needs another friggin burger chain like I need another pouch. But this one is special, they decided to open in the same exact location of another terrible burger chain that lasted longer than it should had. What genius thought of this? The air must be real thin in Colorado... Just like the patties. The former Fatburger was absolutely wretched across the board. I remember racing home just to evacuate what I just ingested. I was hesitant to even step foot in here but I needed to satisfy my curiosity. Let's hope this place is not a repeat to the throne.

Total gut job on this place was imperative after the years of filth, grease, sweat, urine, activator and cum that have accumulated in every Fatass nook and cranny. Just imagine how much crud is stuck between the fat rolls of a fat chick... That's how filthy I remember Fatburger and that hog in college (I was roofied, I swear). I was impressed by how clean the place came out, well, it is brand new after all. Ok, enough of the chitchat, let's get to the grub...

(Classic Smashburger w/ Smashfries)

Everyone knows how they cook their meat up in this piece. Smash, smash and more smash (Gastro wants smoosh smoosh)... Which squeezes out all the juices and moisture of the patty. But wait, they lather it up with melted butter. Oh, joy. Let's get rid of the natural fatty juices and replace it with butter. Their thinking was to get the patty semi crispy on the edges but consistency is kaput only a couple weeks in. My patty had no color and limp as Stephen Hawking's lower lip. It really had no flavor or seasoning either. The bun was unbuttered and untoasted. The single serving slice of cheese was barely melted. But it looked pretty in a fake plastic food kinda way. Oh, the veggie toppings were spot on! A very plain Jane burger. But if you cover it with a ton of other shit on top, it might taste better.

The brown bag thin fries were scantily covered with this supposedly rosemary, olive oil and garlic mixture. This was pretty much a fail. The fries seemed like they have been sitting around for hours and that mixture basically acted as a cover up which made it even limper. Snooze.

(Atlanta Dog with Wicked Pimena cheese, grilled jalapeños and Vidalia coleslaw.)

Right off the bat, I noticed how wet this dog was. It was dripping this white funk off the tip of the split wiener from the sweaty slaw. The poppy seed bun was lightly toasted on top but that didn't do shit for the bottom where all the funk had soaked through and basically turned it into mushy dough. The dog itself wasn't bad but it really didn't need the bland wet slaw on top ruining the whole thing. The Pimena cheese was non-existent, mebbe it washed away from the liquid funk.

The staff seemed like they really wanted to do good and provide you with good service but I noticed a table that ordered way before I did didn't get their food til after 3 other tables had ordered, eaten and left. WTF happened to their order is beyond me, they kept coming out to apologize. If that was my order, I woulda went back inside for a refund and hightailed it outta there. But anyway, this place is just another burger in a sea of buns and cow patties that will eventually get lost within time. It seems like the Fatburger curse is alive and well.

1 Star.

2625 Piedmont Rd
Atlanta, GA
404-237-2374
http://www.smashburger.com/

LeRoy's Fried Chicken

If you haven't heard, I like fried chicken... No, I love fried chicken. That shit is like crack to me. If I could, I would eat it everyday but then I would have to move to Mississippi... The only state in the nation that would take my ginormous lard ass.

Speaking of lard... LeRoy's Fried Chicken uses only lard to fry their chicken which is free range from Springer Mountain Farms (not that it makes any difference after you fry the hell out of it). I saw Julia mention that she was upset by a 2 star Yelp review. Ah, Julia, dahling... Who gives a shit? It's Yelp, Real Nitwits, Real Inept. I'm sure that mook prolly bitched about no dining room, how they don't eat dark meat, that it's too greasy or they can't eat it because of the lard for some bullshit religious reason. Blah blah blah. It's fried chicken, fucknut, it's supposed to be dark meat, greasy and priest raping good. If young boys tasted like fried chicken, I can understand why priests are addicted. Sign me up, Monsignor!

(Combo Thinger)

(2 Piece Dark Combo w/ drink, $7)

Looks pretty good... Let's have a taste shall we?

(Good looking chicks)

First bite, first thought comes to mind... KFC. Yeah yeah, I know what you're thinking, "KFC? Wha da fuck, dipshit?" I meant KFC as in the cooking technique, LFC uses an industrial strength pressure fryer to reduce cooking time and delivering a super hot and juicy piece of fowl ass, you need it for a larger production like this. But is it Pouch worthy on the chicken alone? Yes and no. It's hot and juice but the skin (which was half crispy and half wrinkled elbow skin) reminded me of the Colonel's Original recipe but with less herbs and spices. Not that it wasn't good but for my preference I like a crispy skin that holds onto the flesh more. It's a decent fried ghetto bird for the time being but the cost may be a little too rich for the proletarians (almost $3 a piece but the combo deal is not bad). The biscuit looked good from afar but far from good. It was more fluffy like a loaf of wheat bread than a standard southern biscuit. That's extra filler this fatboy don't need.

(Popeyes, duh)

Of course, I had to do a side by side tasting to be fair and balanced... LeRoy's vs. Tyrone's. And the winner is... Boulevard's finest. I don't think there's any contest, well, not yet anyways. With some time and experimentation with the pressure fryer, I'm sure LFC will perfect it to the level where she wants her chicken to be. I'll be back to try the fried chicken liver!

2.5 Stars

1021 Howell Mill Rd
Atlanta, GA 30318
(404) 872-7888

Double Zero Napoletana

I know my legion of fan have been waiting for this review for ever and ever... So, slurp it up my minion!

Was it a coincidence that a trio of Ferrara ovens graced us at two different restaurants at the same exact time? Is it a coincidence that my pouch knows when Popeyes has just put out a fresh batch of spicy chicken on the rack? Who the fuck knows but me likey... Me likey a lot. You have Fritti bringing over the man himself, Stefano Ferrara, to hand build a new permanent oven on their premises and Double Zero ordered two pre-fabbed custom jobs shipped over prior to their opening. So, if I use all my fingas and toes to count the number of sick ass 1000 degree wood burning pizza ovens from Italy, that number would be 6, including the 3 Acuntos at Antico. Yes, I'm a 3 toed sloth.

So, the same owners of Iberian Pig and Sugo are trying their hands at the much talked about and loved Napoletana pies that have hit Atlanta hard like a domestic abuse case in the past couple years. Before the pizza wars, one of Atlanta's best offers were had at the long standing Rosa's Pizza but in reality, anyone that knows pizza knew Rosa's was borderline at best. It's like being stranded on an island with a volleyball and a box of DiGiorno Pizza & Cookies... I would eat Wilson. Well, fatso, how are the pies at DZ you ask?

They use quality ingredients, a must if you don't want to fart around and pass off gas to true pizza aficionados. They got it... From the 00 flour to the San Marzano tomatoes to the bufala mozzarella. Everything looked great on paper... Except the most important ingredient to a perfect Napoletana pie, the pizzaiolo. As with a master sushi chef, one can not become one over night or even in a couple months. It takes years and years of experience to become a master. Both sushi and pizza seem like they are easy to prepare but the journey is complex. This is DZ's weakness but in time, they will/should be a lot better. But first, let's take a lookie at the rest of their menu...

(Burrata Caprese)

Beautiful tomatoes (heirloom or not, still tasty). Light and fresh with good flavors and textures throughout the dish. I had a ball in each cheek like a chipmunk with a burrata moustache.

(Lamb Polpette)

These little lamb balls were not bad at all, quite tasty. Crispy exterior, meatball like substance inside. Just don't gargle them.

(L'Arrosto)

Look at this fucking beast. If you look closely you can almost make out Predator's face. He's one uglee muddafukka but this was a thing of beauty. Only a mother could love and my pouch. That's the face I usually make before I destroy a piece of hulking man meat or climax. This is prolly the best dish they have to offer. At $29, it's priced better than some entrees. Git er done!

(Da fixins)

The accoutrements above also comes with flat bread made from the pizza dough that can be used like tortillas. You really need to share this app but if you're an obese fuck like me, you can prolly eat it all by your lonesomes... in the dark.

(Polipo)

At $12, this was a total let down. One measly tentacle? Put that thing back in your pants, John Wayne Bobbitt, you're scaring the children. The texture was not there whatsoever, it was mushy to the point that it seemed it was decomposing. It was just plain bad. Octopus should always have a nice chew to it. Wait for it... "toothy".


I have no goddamn clue what this was... I was too nervous in anticipation of the 'Za. I think it lasted on the table for maybe about 2 minutes. Slurp. Maybe tis was the prok belly polenta with farm egg. Yeah yeah that's it, that's the ticket! Where's dat 'Za, I'm starving!!!

(Margherita)

Ah, da piece de resistance! Although, it was a nice pie, something was missing. It mighta been red but it didn't give me a blood flow. Mebbe it was the lack of bufala? Coulda used a lil more mozza, looked kinda naked. The crust was more cracker like than chewy and the sauce didn't have that natural sweetness like most San Marzano, it wasn't bland but needed some seasoning assistance. I'll need to get back to you on this later... developing.

(Double Zero Napoletana)

Their signature pie. Hmmm, I wanted to fold it in half and eat it like a sandwich instead. It was just too dry over all for me. If you don't try new things, you never know if you'll like or not, in this case, once is enough for this old dog.

(Margherita, extra char)

Since, the first pie was under cooked to my liking, I asked that this pie stay in the oven a bit longer and let me tell ya, it makes a difference. Nice char, just the right amount of bufala and basil. Wow, what a difference a little adjustment and request can make on the taste budz. Was it a great pie? Not yet but on the right track.

(Rapini e Salsicce)

I don't know about you but does this look at all appetizing? Looked like someone threw this stuff up in the air and caught it with a plate. The sausage needed more seasoning and maybe a little crispy-ness to it but it looked like a child ripped it to pieces in no rhyme or reason. I understand it may suppose to be rustic fare but it looked so amateurish. The dish sounds great on paper but the entire dish needed seasoning, it was too boring for me.

(Red Velvet Cupcake)

Dessert - One word: Boring. I don't get chicks and their cupcakes.

DZ is obviously popular with the local crowd and opening in Sandy Springs was a good move. There are hits and misses but hopefully will be worked out in time and practice. A lot of dishes were under-seasoned which makes things boring to the tongue. These guys know what they're doing in the resto biz, but Napoletana pizza is an art form and difficult to master. And the great pizzerias do nothing else except pizza, so having an extensive menu such as here may have compromised theirs. The pizza has the right lineage but the execution needs a history lesson. But I have confidence in them to get it right. Take off the dishes that aren't working or selling and focus mostly on the 'Za's... The Zaza has spoken.

BTW- The cocktail program is pretty decent but I have to agree that the $15 Negroni is sacrilegious when a bot of Campari costs about $20. Wait, where am I? Am I back home in NYC? I forget.

2.5 Stars

5825 Roswell Road
Atlanta, GA, 30328
404-991-3666
http://www.doublezeroatl.com/home/

Di Fara Pizza

New York style pizza can be found in every shithole town outside of NYC, boasting claims that they have the real deal... Some even have the balls to claim they make the best pizza of a certain borough. No, I ain't talking about Staten Island 'ZA because #1, they are barely a borough and B., no one likes their pizza, not even Staten Islanders. I kid, I kid, but seriously, no one really does. I'm talking about Brooklyn pizza. Many claim Brooklyn has the best 'ZA in all of NYC but I'm biased to Manhattan 'ZA since I'm from there. So, does it? Let's go check it. No sleep til Brooklyn!

You got Grimaldi's, Totonno's, L&B Spumoni Garden and best newcomer Lucali... But if you're gonna go, you gotta go to the best. And that is Di Fara in Midwood with the man himself, Dom DeMarco, making every single pie (since 1965) that goes in the gas oven. Yes, I said gas oven. But how can a gas oven produce such a sought after pie?

(The Temple - Kneel, before 'ZA!)

It's simple as Dom would say...

"I use only the freshest ingredients, the bufala mozzarella from the town I grew up in (Provincia di Caserta, near Napoli), the oregano and basil from Israel, tomatoes from Salerno (combo of fresh and canned San Marzano tomatoes), flour from Italy," he says with a smile. "That's the secret recipe." But he doesn't mention the two other cheeses that could be the secret of his outstanding pizza... Freshly grated blocks of mozzarella and dusting of Gran Padano cheese before and after it comes out the oven.

(Da Man, himself. Every pie strictly made by him and only him from beginning to end.)

(Da 'ZA, it's like a circle jerk of one. Pure ecstasy. Squirt.)

(Glorious! Get in my pouch! The fresh cut basil makes all the difference.)

Da verdict? It is fucking awesome. Crust is thin but not too thin, the perfect char is achieved through years of working with the same oven and having a great relationship with it, it's crispy and spongy, the sauce is just sweet enough naturally without additives, the trio of cheeses binds this pie together perfectly and the sweetness of the basil enhances the aroma even more. An hour wait for perfection, demolished within 7 minutes... And worth every second of it.

(The "Square" or Sicilian.)

The Square is not your ordinary Sicilian pie. The dough is baked off the night before and then lightly soaked in EVOO overnight. The crust becomes crispy on the sides and bottom but the middle is pillowy soft when cooked in the oven a second time with the sauce and trio of cheeses. And of course the addition of freshly cut basil on top when it comes out and the steam and heat lightly wilts the basil to release the oils into the cheese. Fuck me, bro, talk about passion for something that most pizzerias take the easy way out with their shake-n-bake shit.

Is this the best Brooklyn pizza? Let's just say, Gino's Brooklyn pizza in Atlanta ain't gonna be picking a food fight with them.

Yeah, it's that good. Now, I can sleep in Brooklyn... With a fat happy pouch.

Fun facts:
Pizza ain't cheap.
Bring cash.
Be patient (be very patient).
Be nice (or your ass is gone).
Be prepare to sweat your balls off (there's no A/C).
Watch out for wobbly tables.
The payoff is worth it.

5 Stars.

1424 Avenue J, Brooklyn, NY 11230
718-258-1367
www.difara.com

Fritti

Fritti is kicking ass and taking names... Bringing in the God of all pizza ovens from Naples to hand build the only custom Ferrara oven in GA (excluding the 2 prefab Ferrara ovens at Double Zero). This beast is top of the line. It may even trump the 3 Acunto ovens at Antico. But the real question is... How is da 'ZA?! We all know Antico's 'Za's are really fucking good, no, literally, it's like sex, as in "bumping uglies" good, squirt. But great hardware and great ingredients make not a great pizza (ie: Rusto's. It tasted like burnt shit). Fritti was always pretty good throughout the years but with this new 1000 degree oven in their arsenal can they take the Napoletana throne?

C'mon, let's take a trip to Mount Vesuvius and see...

(Bresaola di Tonno - Tuna flaps, thin and tasteless. Eh, I didn't order it, some white boy at my table did. And he is supposedly a chef. Flush.)

(Calamari Fritti - Even white boy chefs gotta shout, Calamari's got back. This dish is so over done for the last 20 years but I gotta admit it was pretty good. Crunch.)

(Regina Margherita - San Marzano, bufala, basil and char from the hand built Ferrara oven by the man himself, Stefano Ferrara, was pretty much fucking perfect. Look at that pie, gives me a chub every time I see and smell it. I swear those white spots are not dick cheese. Scout's honor. Squirt.)

(Frutti di Mare - I don't usually like my pie smelling like fish and with tentacles hanging out but I wanted to bury my face in it and lick that vageola clean. Slurp.)

Did Fritti take the throne? It's pretty close, almost neck and neck. I'm gonna give it some more time for the oven to "break in", whatever the fuck that means. I know, I might be talking outta my ass. Anyone got a breath mint? Anyhoo, it's a very good pizza, I like both places... Let's leave it at that... For now. Speaking of throne, after all that food I need to sit on mine... Be back in 2 and 2. Which equals...

4 Stars.

309 North Highland Ave.,
Atlanta, GA
404-880-9559
www.sottosottorestaurant.com

Gu's Bistro

Peter Friggin Chang, Cheng, Ching, Chong who? PF Chang's? Meh. It's no mystery why that guy faded away quietly after the much anticipated but overrated namesake restaurant that opened to lukewarm results, reviews and taste. It's no Tasty China of yesteryear. Watered down and Americanized is a quickfire way to burn your reputation as an "authentic" Sichuan chef. When you want to do it right and push out food that you're proud to slap your name on, you better fucking be there all the time without compromise. This whole consulting chef scam is for suckers. You have a better chance of finding Richard Blais in a kitchen than Peter Chang.

When we thought all hope was lost for good Sichuan food, Gu's came along... And with perfect timing. I like Chef Gu because he's not all snooty like PF Chang in his tall toque and starchy perfectly pressed chef's whites... Gu wears a 3 day old t-shirt, sweat pants with one leg pulled up to his knees like the better half of Kris Kross and an apron that has seen better and brighter days. This is my kinda cook!

The place is located in a dreadful empty strip mall or did they meant to do it like Pee Wee Herman? Cheap rent in a hip, urban, desolate and elusive vibe kinda way... Eh, who the fuck knows, but this shiznit is GU GU GUUD!

Feast on this, bitches...

(Dan Dan Noodle)

It was acceptable but needed a helluva lot more chili oil and heat... The tablespoon of sauce underneath all the noods didn't do it. It should be bright red and burns the hair off your ass.

(Surf Clam in Scallion Oil)

Some of the tastiest clam I have ever eaten. I know what you're thinking and no, they didn't smell like clam. The scallion oil was light and fragrant. Lurv it.

(Chengdu Dumplings)

Damn, these things are good. Spicy, sweet and all for me! What a porker. Weeee weeee!

(Steamed Buns- Fake Xiao Long Bao)

They said these were Xiao Long Baos aka soup dumplings but the only thing they looked and tasted like were plain old steamy dumps in basket. Where's the lotion?

(Dry Fried Eggplant)

We have a new champion... These fwies were thick cut, crispy outside and perfect melt in your mouth goodness inside. Screw Peter Effing Chang's over-priced version.

(Crispy Fish Filet)

Jesus Christ, the portion alone can feed half of China. Chinese version of fish n chips, but without the chips and a shit load of chili peppers, instead. Oh, it's there, look under that school of fish. These are addictive, I kept eating them and eating them, so crispy but yet not oily at all, the fish was moist and tender. It was tilapia, can you believe that shit? This crappy fish is good for something after all!

(Cumin Lamb)

Another classic Sichuan dish and this one did it justice. Right blend of cumin flavor with a perfectly tender lamb and heat level. Mouth watering just looking at that pic. Slurp.

(Twice Cooked Smoked Pork)

I usually love this dish but it was a little tough. The smokiness and flavor were all there but it took a little effort to chew it before you could swallow it. Some chicks had no problem with swallowing this pork thinger, though. Now, that's talent! Squirt.

(Szechuan Style Boiled Fish Filet)

I lurv me some spicy fish in hot oil but this needed a lot more heat. Not that it was bad, it was damn good, but you just expect to be sweating balls when you eat this. The bright red coloring was just a tease to trick you into thinking it's hotter than it is. The portion amount is insane as with all his fish dishes. Totally would order again with a request of more chili, pweez.

(Stir Fried String Beans)

Looks like a pretty tame string beans dish until you mix it from the bottom up. The spicy sauce takes this standard stir fried veggie dish to a new level. You can't eat just one.

(Don't ask, don't tell)

It's not an ancient Chinese secwet that you don't ever order dessert at Chinese restaurants... Ever. It's just bad and the above pic is proof of that... I can't even begin to tell you what it is but using the color as a judge you can prolly guess what it is.

Gu's is a good Sichuan restaurant and may be the only one in Atlanta, now. It's reasonably priced... Who am I kidding? It's a friggin bargain to eat here, especially, in larger groups unlike Peter Chang. He bit off more than he could chew opening a 180 seat resto in the former Olive's space. Service is spotty and the food is hit or miss... He can't even get the spelling of his name right. At Gu's, the service is great and the food is consistent and getting better with every visit. Chef Gu makes not only hot dishes but hot daughters, too... Even straight chicks want to nail her, including me. Goddamn, she's hotter than the chili-oil and Sichuan peppercorns combined. Me. Eat. Now.

Drive, don't run there... It's too far.

Burp.

3 Stars.

5750 Buford Hwy, #A
Doraville, GA 30340
770-451-8118
http://www.gusbistro.com/