Silla del Toro- Toco Hills

Not only am I morbidly obeast... I'm also a very sick person. My buddy in NYC who is like a step bro to me always call me a sicko and then I pause... And I just start singing I gotta have me more boats 'n' hoes... And that lemon head joins in right on cue... "The Nina, Oh! The Pinta, Oh! The Santa Maria, Oh! I'll do you in the bottom while you're drinking Sangria!" He sang every word to that song... Who's the sicko now, motherfucka!

Speaking of Sangria... A new tapas joint from Marietta Square just opened a second location in Toco Hills. Hmm, kinda fancy for this area and the demographics. Why would you say that, Pouch? People who live around here claim to be highly educated with exquisite taste, so, they will totally support a local elevated Spanish eatery... Right? Well, y'all, ready for this? Why am I acting like more than one person reads this preposterous blog. OK, listen up... As I was walking to the front door, a group of local mossbacks in front of me speed walks up to door and then turns right around and one mullet says angrily, "THEY DON'T HAVE TACOS!". Bro, La Parrilla is literally right across the parking lot... Wait a minzie, Steak 'n Shake is 5 feet closer, that's more your culinary level, towards the bottom of the barrel.

Drama already and I haven't even waddled through the doors yet... Fuck me, that's why I hate going out to eat these days. I hope the grub is passable but first I need a drink STAT! I went straight to the empty bar and planted my lardass on a high chair. That chair was so heavy and you have drag it across the tile which makes this blood curdling sound like they were killing a cat in the back with a plastic knife... Better be careful on what tapas I order. 

Let's go and take a first look... 

Sangria Flight, white, pink, red, $12. All pre-batched... The white sucked, pink stinked, and red makes you wanna fuck like a chupacabra... They should just call this sampler the Sangria Shocker- 2 in the pink and 1 in the stink. Meh, I need something stronger...

Bartender's Choice, bourbon, campari and a couple other ingredients I forgot what they put in there, $12. It was fine, nothing I would get again, though.

Estrella Galicia, $8. It's a good Spanish cerveza but a bit pricey for a bottle.

Let's get to the grub already, you corpulent babosa...

It's a pretty good deal- 3 for $17 or $6 each... Until you read the fine print. Of course, the good stuff are up charged. So be careful before you order.. I would have been totally fine with the Jamon Serrano or Salchichon but since I'm such an elitist fat fuck I ordered the best ones without even reading all the tiny words on the menu... Let's take a look if the Pouch got fucked again...

Jamon Iberico Cured Ham, aged 24 months, +$13

Lomo De Bellota Iberico, dry cured acorn fed pork loin, +$10

Manchego, sheep's milk from La Mancha Region of Spain, aged 15 months, $6.

Total: $28. It's a decent spread but nothing really worth getting again for the upcharge... Even $17 would be pushing it. Speaking of pushing it... The Pouch didn't get fully fucked, just the tip.

They did send out a small sample of the other "Chorizo"- Chorizo Picante, Chorizo Leon and the Lomo, again. They were fine but nothing really differentiated one from another except size. OK, let's move to the real grub...

It's a decent selection of the classic tapas. The only large plate that I was interested in was the Paella Barcelona... The whole grilled red snapper is OK, but every thing else was for the DEI crowd.

Empanadas, puff pastry filled with chicken or beef, $10.50. They won't do one of each so I went all beef as expected. Y'all know I'm a motherclucking lover of cheekan but it will never be Popeyes. But take a gander at these beauties... They are pretty big with a nicely shaped crust. That green sauce looks and tastes like a hybrid of salsa verde and chimichurri which didn't do much to enhance the taste because they were good pretty much by themselves unadulterated. This is a good start...

Croquettes Jamon, jamon serrano, manchego cheese, piquillo aioli, $9. For the price they give you 5 fried crispy balls filled with a mix of super soft and creamy mashed taters and hint of cheese and jamon. They were pretty good and nicely plated... I would prolly get this again.

Pulpo Parrilla, sous-vide + charred octopus, paprika roasted fingerling potatoes, saffron aioli, cannellini beans and pickled onions, $13.50. Ese, all I see is onions and fingered tater slices on top of yellow sauce and a giant bowl of beans... Shit, I know beans are good for your heart but the more you eat... Well, we know the rest and are you sure you want me to eat that much beans in here? I will clear out your joint in 2 minzies flat, cabron! Let's see if we can find the octopussy tentacle under all that fluff...

Ahh, there she blows... Seriously, don't eat this outside on the patio because a gust of wind will blow this smallish testicle, err, tentacle right into the gutter. It's so small, that you may get 3 1/2 bites tops. It was tender and lightly charred which was nice. But the dish was so unbalanced with the quart of beans to make it look like you're getting your $13.50 worth. Sadly, I knew this from the start from the pics online but I still had to get it just to prove the point. I would not get this again unless they give me three tentacles at that price point... C'mon, y'all, shock me with your curly tentacles- two in the pink, one in the stink.

Manchego stuffed Dates wrapped with Bacon with romesco sauce, $9. To me, this dish has always been a filler dish to just make the menu look more abundant. It came out less than room temp and tasted like Wookie steak... A bit dry and Chewy. I ate one and I was done with it... Took it home, nuked it for like 10 seconds and it changed the whole dynamic and taste of it... It was actually good when eaten hot! Who woulda thunk food tastes better when hot... 

Spanish Sardines, fried sardines, lemon, garlic, Spanish olive oil, $8. I couldn't find any pictures of this online or at least I thought I couldn't find any... I thought this dish would be a few fried sardines the size of a middle finger but this came out... I was quite surprised by the two huge pieces. It was like a fucking branzino. It had a crispy light crust and the fish was moist and fork tender. I loved this dish so much but I already know the rest of the schmucks in here won't touch it and it may quietly disappear off the menu. This would be a total travesty. Keep this dish on the menu no matter what the savages say! 

Andalusian Gazpacho, cool tomato soup, cucumbers, bell peppers, $6. Did a oil tanker jizz on top of that cup.. Why the fuck is there so much oil on top? Dipped my nose picking finga in the oil and it tasted a little like truffle oil or maybe I was tasting the funky boogers under my nail. Mixed up the ultra pureed soup and it was decent... I like my gazpacho a bit chunky but dipping the grilled bread in the puree gave it that toothiness it needed.

Butifarra con Mongetest, grilled Spanish sausage, creamy white beans, pickled onions, $10. For the price of admission, I thought I would get something that resembled a real sausage. Instead, I got thin coins of tasteless meat flaps, they were as worthless as cyptocurrency. Shit, I had Vegas hookers with better tasting meat curtains. And of course, they load up the white beans to make it feel like you got your money's worth. Skip this and put the money towards something else on the menu.

Tortilla Espanola, omelette of potato, onion, piquillo aioli, $7. A classic Spanish dish... Looked great and it tasted pretty good. Love the layers of potato but it could use more eggs. It's kinda like a scalloped potato but without the cheese and milk.

Rear shot- Nice looking piece of ass... That's my kinda bodonkadonk. Squirt.

Chuletas de Cordero Ahumadas, Turner New Zealand marinated lamb chops, salsa verde, saffron aioli, $18. I thought it was a bit pricey because they usually give you like 2 maybe 3 chops if you have a big rack but when it came out, it had 4 chops on the plate. Let's take a closer look because this picture sucks midget dick.

The lamb chops were tender but a wee bit chewy. It was seasoned, had good flavor and decent char. The salsa verde had no flavor, it was all just visual with a little texture... But look at that cesspool of oil. Jesus Henry Christ, did they ladle 2 cups of salsa verde oil on them chops?

Same shit on the other side. The saffron aioli was creamy but it was pretty much tasteless like the salsa verde, both were just for visuals. Luckily, the lamb chops tasted pretty good on their own.

Spanish Sardines. They were so good I had to get another order... Just to make sure they didn't fuck up  on the first order and subbed some other fish instead. This second order was just as good but the sardines were not as large. Git it, yo!

Paella Barcelona (serves 2), saffron rice, mussels, chorizo, chicken, shrimp, $28. It looks pretty nice but the first thing I did was check for the socarrat... Boooo! Nothing, NADA. No scorched rice on the bottom of the pan. It was obviously made in another pan and transferred to this paellera. The crispy burnt rice is the best part of an authentic paella... Which originated from Valencia, so, I don't know why they call it Paella Barcelona. Yes, you can get paella all over Spain but why wouldn't you call it Paella Valencia just to keep it genuine. Shit, since, we're no where close to Spain, they can call whatever the fuck they what... I'm gonna call it Paella Pannus... Because that's where it's going. It's smaller than it looks, it's supposed to serve 2 people but it was more of an appetizer for this fat slob. The flavors of the paella was pretty good, it's a tasty paella... There's 3 shrimp, 3 mussels (oh, so Fronch), and bits of chicken and chorizo. It's a good paella but for $28 I want my socarrat!

Churros. I was actually gonna order this but they were nice enough to send me on my way out with a sample order. They looked decent but they were hard as fuck... Maybe these were fuck ups and instead of tossing them in the trash, they said, WTF, give it to the fatso, he will eat anything... He almost ate the entire menu in one sitting. The choco sauce was OK, it tasted kinda fake like it came from a squeeze bottle. I would not pay for these.

Would I go back again... Sure, why not, it's in the hood. It's nicer than most sit down restos around here. The food was executed better than expected. Once, you have tried everything on the menu, you will have your favorites and that list may be shorter than you think. 

Pump pump... No squirt yet but keep stroking my pannus...

2893 N Druid Hills Rd

Atlanta, GA 30329

https://www.silladeltoro.com/