When The Gluten Hits The Pouch, Like A Big Pizza Pie, That's A More Fat...

I know my one reader may be thinking the Pouch has died from the VID, Monkeypox or IBS-D because the corpulent one has been MIA for awhile but this chode has been secretly eating away like a good fatso should. It is true that the obeast is one of the most vulnerable high risk groups to succumb to the GINAH virus. But the Pouch is alive and well, even if it has spent most of the last two years on the toilet... 

Pizza is as ubiquitous as the day is long. You can always find a dumpy 'ZA joint along side with a slutty Chino hole-in-the-wall in Anytown, USA. It's amazing, no matter what hellhole town you find yourself in by accident, there is always a pizzeria and a Chinese takeout dump within vomiting distance of each other. Who woulda thunk it... That Ginzos and Chinos, two unlikely FOBs living in harmony, shaped the way we eat and our dad bods on a daily basis and paved the way for American food culture history. These deplorable immigrants are the originators of the true cuisines of America, Fuck Yeah! I have reported to my one fan on Chino grub in countless reviews over the years but I have never done an all 'ZA review... Well, if this succulent and corpulent slug is going to die, it might as well die fat, drunk, and stupid... Full of gluten and gout.    

Napolentana style pizza has been all the craze for the last decade across the country but different styles of pizza have been quietly making some waves in this one horse town. Especially, the Grandma Pie and Detroit Pie have been quite notable... And this fat turd had been hard at work stuffing it's snout to report back to it's one fan. The Pouch's dedication to his one unknown reader is utterly remarkable... Like the udders around my mid-section.

C'mon, Pouch, show us the 00 Caputo flour, already, you disgusting slob... OK, OK, this is gonna be a LONG ride, so, grab a drink and a box of Popeyes if there's one near you.

Are yooooooooou reeeady for the... THE ULTIMATE PIZZA TOUR... And diabetus... With a hint of IBS-D... If there was an Olympic event for eating 'ZA, the Pouch would win all 3 medals and then eat them because they remind me of the Jewish gelt that yentas handout during Hanukkah. These pies are not in any particular order or ranking... 

Let's go you fat fuck! Show us da 'ZAZAs... Not yer fat TATA's... 

1. MAGAZZINO DELLE PIZZA.

The "Big Guy" has proclaimed that MAGA is the greatest threat to America... But that stuttering mook has not tried their Napoletana style 'ZA... Brandon will be tripping all over himself once he had a taste of the MAGA's pie...

What the fuck are two Acunto ovens doing in upstate GA?! Don't they need a travel Visa up in the woods... But I'm loving these stout beauties.

Pancetta e Cipolla, tomato sauce, red pepper, pancetta, prosciutto, mozzarella and garlic. Are you fucking kidding me? Who woulda thunk you can find a gorgeous looking pie in the smoky mountains of Lawrenceville. 

Upskirt muff shot... Look at those lil char blisters... Impressive, most impressive. This was a well constructed pie with all the right ingredients. It checks off every box of a proper Napoletana 'ZA. This damn large pie was dericious. Definitely, worth a revisit.

Margherita. The standard that all Napoletana style 'ZA is based upon... And this did not disappoint. DOP motherfuckers. The only thing they faulted on was adding the basil while it was cooking. I topped it off with some fresh basil to balance the colors of a true Margherita- red, green and white. The pie was really good and it still amazes me that this joint is in upstate GA... I will definitely go back when I can afford gas, again.

WTF? They have Emps?

Empanadas- Beef, Guayaba & Cheese, Smoked Pork and Jalapenos, chimichurri. Half of the menu here is empanadas... Yes, fucking empanadas in a pizza joint. But fuck it, who cares, these are like two of my favorites snacks and bringing them together under one roof only means that this lardass will have less distant to move... The branding on them reminds me of Sweet Octopus (Empanada House) in the incestuous mountains of downtown Duluth. They were all tasty emps nonetheless. I would get another on the next visit.

2. E KE PIZZA.

Sadly, Baraonda in midtown closed but the owners opened a new 'ZA joint in Vinings. I have known these guys for over 20 years and they have never disappointed in all their ventures. I would make the drive to Vinings just to try their new dedicated pizza joint. I have a feeling I will not be disappointed... Fuck, it better be good with the gas prices these days...

Prosciutto. Goddamn... Look at this beauty. That is a good looking pie I would smash my face into on a daily basis. That is a shitload of prosciutto and shaved parmesan on there. The sauce is pretty subtle with a balance of sweetness and tart. The vibrant arugula gives it a nice color boost. The crust is made with 00 Caputo and it tasted like it should, crispy, light and airy. This was a good pie and I would go back for it, again. 

Margherita. Looks more like a classic NYC pie than a true Napoletana Margherita. This pic makes it look like a warm bucket of hamster vomit but it tasted pretty good. Love the char blisters on the crust. To me, it's just a classic NYC street 'ZA... Which is a good thing.

3. GLIDE PIZZA.

I always wanted to try their 'ZA after all the hype online but this shitty hole in the wall location next to Jake's Ice Cream was such a hassle to get to. This space is like the incubator for pizza start ups like the original O4W Pizza which is amazing but they decided to move to upstate GA in Duluth which is a fucking hike. Thank god, Glide just moved to a more spacious location across the street so I can stuff my fat face easier.

Half and half, cheese and pepperoni. This is a fucking huge pie at 20 inches... That's what she said. But it looked real good at first glance. Need to lift the skirt and check out the muff first...

Ultra thin and crispy crust. Goddamn impressive... I was even surprised by how well constructed this 'ZA was. This is a nice looking pie but how does it taste, Pouch? Do you approve? I only not fucking fully approve of this gorgeous pie, I will declare this pie as crave-worthy status. That's how fucking dericious this was... The sauce and the cheese were really good with the right balance but they coulda threw in a few more basil leaves on this large pie. This may be the best and closest 'ZA to an authentic NYC pie. They just opened a location inside Inner Voice brewery in Decatur which is even a better location than the original because... Beer! Let's hope the Decatur location is just as good...

Oh, snap... By the magic of the interwebz... 

GLIDE at Inner Voice.

I was bar hopping around and wanted something to eat and remembered that Glide was now opened inside Inner Voice in downtown Dickhater. I had to mix it up and added a few toppings. Toppings ain't cheap and it was a bit pricey for this pie. But when you have been saucing all day, that shit don't matter... You just want something in your piehole to absorb all that swill.

It's a good looking pie. This one didn't have much of a rise around the edge like the original location. But the crust was still ultra crispy and had a good pull. Beer and pizza really do pair well...

Upskirt glamour shot... Squirt. Still one of the best NY-style pies in this one horse town.

4. CORNER SLICE.

The old Avellino's NY 'ZA in Avondale was a mainstay on that corner for over a decade... Their claim to fame was the IL DIAVOLO 'ZA that was made with ghost peppers, habaneros, Thai chilies, jalapenos and the crust dusted with something they called "Evil Dust" which required the clueless suspect to sign a waiver to notify the next of kin before eating the devil spawn. Sadly, they shuttered and replaced by a Detroit style 'ZA joint from a partner of Comet Pub & Lanes... These thick ass pan pies have been the trend for a couple years now. They are not my favorite kind of pies but I'm fat, so, I will still eat it.

Detroit Pan Style Pies, Veg and Spicy. Of course, I ordered two different pies... I wanted to try the Bar Pies, too, but somehow they had an excuse for not wanting to make them on this visit. Let's take a closer look at the Detroit Pan 'ZAs.

Veg, red onion, green peppers, mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, olives, extra cheese. Looks like a brick doesn't it? One or two squares of each pie is more than enough to fill the pouch. 

Spicy, jalapenos, calabrian peppers, capicola red onion, pepperoni, hot honey, cheeses. They look like they are heavily loaded but it's just on the top. They still do the job because after awhile they will expand in yer belly.

Like the bow of the Titanic, sinking into the depths of the Pouch's bowels. Will this turn into a two finga diet? We will see in about 25 minzies. It looks like you can kill someone with this shiv.

The crust on the bottom of the pan pies are pretty nice and I like the air bubbles in the thick doughy crust. After returning home, I was so bloated but no 2 finga diet was necessary. I let nature take it's course and... Splash. Would I go again? Probably not. There's better 'ZAs out there to be had. I also had an Eggplant Parm sando but it was such a mess, I don't think I even took a pic of it... Skip it. Oh, shit... I found it... It was disgusting.

5. DANTE'S NY STYLE PIZZA.

Seriously, Pouch, where the fuck do you find these places in the middle of nowhere? The Pouch has a built-in homing device that tracks the locations of 'ZA joints, duh. OK, I lied... People who are fat and lonely with no social life have a lot of time on their hands to drive around with nowhere to go. I just drive around looking for food... And friends. I rarely find anyone who wants to befriend a fat slob but I do sometimes find a hidden gem. So, where is this Dante's you axe? It's in a sparse strip mall in Lilburn. There is fucking nothing in this shithole mall... But there is literally a store that sells, get ready for this, fucking STRING. Yes, string that you tie shit up with... It might actually be better than the Jerk Store but this store ain't running out of string. 

Let's get back to the 'ZA here shall we... So, the Pouch has never shied away from suspect restos located in hellholes... Shit, in this high inflation economy I would open in the cheapest location as possible if I could... I feel ya, Dante. The menu has some of the most trendy styles of pies available found at all the hip 'ZA joints intown... Let's see what they can do...

Original Grandma Pizza. This style of 'ZA has been all the rage these days... The fucking hipsters eat this shit up even though they have no idea of the history of this classic pie. The Grandma is a NYC invention, some say it originated at Umberto's in Strong Eyeland, but it is one of the favorites for true NY'ers. When I saw it on Dante's menu, I knew I had to have it. They had slices available but fuck that noise, a true Grandma pie has to be ordered whole for the freshness and spectacle of it. And this did not disappoint. Wait, where the fuck am I, again?

Surprisingly, the owners are not Eyetalians, they are black... Wait, did Daddy Green's open another location from The Last Dragon? If so, I'd better "direct-a your feets-a to Daddy Green's Pizza!". I gotta admit, this Grandma pie looked very respectable... 

The crust is not too thick and it has the crispy edges. The dough in the center is fluffy and the sauce and cheese mix had a nice balance. I like how they put dollops of fresh mozzarella around the sheet pie. This was a very nice Grandma pie and as with all Grandma pies you gotta order the entire sheet fresh from the oven. I would definitely go back for this, again... Sho'Nuff!

Gigi's Detroit Pie. WTF, they even do Detroit Style Pies?! I gotta have a taste... So, I got a slice. It's a bit thicker than the Grandma pie because that's what it should be.

Look at the crispy edges! I'm not a huge fan of Detroit 'ZA but this was enjoyable... Fuck, it's basically a Sicilian pie. I would not be opposed to getting another slice on my next visit.

6. SHORTY'S.

I have been to their Toco Hill location many many moons ago but they eventually closed. I also went to their location in Tucker awhile ago but it was pretty underwhelming and haven't been back for a minute or years... I didn't want to put this on my list but I had to make a revisit just to confirm it sucked... And I'll admit how wrong I was. Something must have changed because it was a very pleasant surprise on this very hesitant revisit... I looked at the menu online to get my bearings on their offerings. They got a lot of signature pies... All were pretty average sounding but I knew if I was going to spend money on a pie it would have prosciutto on it...

Biggie Smalls, sopressata, roasted garlic, roasted onion, prosciutto and arugula. I had all kinds of twisted ideas for my write up before this pie came to the table... Oh, there were very colorful choice of words and imagery that I couldn't wait to use. Until this came out piping hot... WTF?! Did they bamboozle me with another pizzeria's pie? OK, where's Allen Funt? Did they really make this in house? It looked like it came from Varuni or Sapori Di Napoli... It looked amazing. The arugula was plentiful and vibrant, almost too much greenery on there. I wished they did that with the prosciutto, instead...

Speaking of which... Let's brush away some green pubes and see the meat flaps. Ah, there she blows... It's a decent amount of prosciutto and sopressata. The crust looked amazing as well with all the random char blisters... Seriously, how can this be from a joint that I had middling pies in the past. 

Even the upskirt looked respectable. Ok, stop beating around the green bush... So, how did it taste, Pouch? I gobbled up the entire pie in mere minzies. This was a dericious pie and I will be back, again. I guess they grew up and learnt how to make a really good 'ZA.

6. PIZZA BELLA.

I have driven by this joint so many times throughout the years and never thought anything of it because it was pretty much an Emory spot for the students with the palate of a billy goat. Since, I'm so fat already what's another bad 'ZA to trash in the Pouch for this ultimate 'ZA review... At least it will give me some great beat off material to write some crass shit about it. I go up to the counter and put in a Margherita pie. I was going to order the Prosciutto Funghi pie but the girl said there are no mushrooms in the pie with this name. Waah, come again? It's like finding no pineapples in the Hawaiian pie... Oh, shit, too late, I just triggered the Pouchette and now she wants it. Fuck me... I'm just gonna run over to Kroger next door to pick up some rat poison to sprinkle on my Margherita...

Margherita. WTF? This doesn't look half bad... How is this possible in the Emory area? Look at that crust, the lift, the char, the blisters... Come to find out that they use 00 Caputo flour and San Marzano tomatoes. Why did I wait so long to try this place? OK OK, put your Vienna sausage back in your moo-moo before you shoot blanks all over Margherita's bloody pie without even tasting it first. We all know looks can be deceiving... Let's lift up her skirt and check to see if she's wearing a thong or bloomers...

WTF?! Is that perfect little char blisters on her bottom? Why fuck yeah it is, bro. Jesus, Bella has been here all along and I have never ate her pie... That fucking glittering Edward is always so protective and dreamy. Peeled off a slice and took a bite... Hmm, not too shabby, the lightly charred crust was really nice, the cheese looked good but it was some blended mozzarella mix which was not bad at all... If you ate it fresh out of the brick oven. If you take it home, the cheese will solidify and you will have a totally different experience. The vibrant San Marzano red sauce looked nice but it fell flat a bit, it needed more flavor, sweetness and seasoning. But overall, this was a solid Margherita with the 00 Caputo flour that was meant for school kids that adults secretly crave. I would get another.

Hawaiian. WTF was I thinking to agreed to this abomination... Why would anyone ruin that beautiful crust with all that garbage on top? But what Pouchette wants, Pouchette gets... Only if I don't have to pay, suckaz! But I did pay and I had one slice and half of it went to the dog. She ate that shit up like it was her last meal... But hell, dogs eat their own shit, so they have no taste. Then the dog farted in my general direction.

7. GRANDMA'S NY PIZZA & PASTA.

Where in god's name am I? I swear, the things I do for my one reader... If they even exist. So, on my epic journey to find 'ZA from all corners of metro Atlanta I came across this joint by accident in Lawrenceville. If you put your nonna's name on the storefront you better bring it, ginzo. The entire place looks like it belongs in Long Island or if you're from there, it's pronounced Strong Eyeland. It's like walking into 1982... And I loved it. The bar area is so gaudy like the bar in Goodfellas. But sadly, I didn't see any old school goombah smoking a cigarette in the faux leather chairs at the bar. I better get to the 'ZA before I start sleeping with the fishes. If I'm going to a pizzeria named after the matriarch, I better get her signature pie...

Grandma's Pie. I must admit that I had 2 slices from this place on a previous visit to test out, so, I had to come back and get the full pie fresh from the oven. Take a gander and a sniff of that beautiful sheet pie. Damn, doesn't that look ridicurous? The only thing it would have made this more visually appealing would been dollops of fresh white mozzarella... But this is an old school NY 'ZA joint, so, they're keeping it real. But it is still gorgeous, though...

Look at them cwispy edges... I wished they used whole basil leaves but again, this is NY old school.

Big ol' dollops of sweet Roma tomato gives it that sweetness you crave... I like how they put it on top of the cheese. I also tasted a hint of Grana Padano in there since they had a GP sign on the wall.

Upskirt... Lovely and hairless... Manscaped to perfection. This was a really good Grandma pie, it's not too thick and the crust was crispy but yet forgiving. The whole pie had a nice balance overall and I would definitely come back and get another one if I was in the area. It's a damn tasty pie.

I fucking went back again a week later just to make sure I wasn't dreaming or it was some one off event...

So goddamn guud! Just make sure you get some fresh basil and garlic on the side to sprinkle on top.

Ate the entire pie in on sitting... That boy is a P-I-G, PIG!

8. VARUNI NAPOLI.

Luca is the name because we don't talk about Bruno, err, I mean Giovanni... No, not the disgraced gay Austrian fashion guru but the pizza guy who gave himself a more Eyetalian sounding name that created a mini pizza empire that the oblivious tourists eat up sloppy pies like Eliot Spitzer in a brothel... Oh, wait, I mean, "Client No. 9". Luca Varuni is his real name and from Naples... And not from Florida nor Jersey. Varuni Napoli is one of the best Napoletana pizzeria, if not the best, in this one horse town. I don't waste my time at Antico anymore because of all his shady dealings and his ego is bigger than his hairy belly. Varuni is one of two of my goto 'ZA joints for proper Napoletana style pies. They have perfected the Napoletana pie and everything on the menu taste great. I wish I had ordered another but I was on my way to another 'ZA joint... So, I can only fit one of these beauties in the pouch on this day.

Amore Mio, fresh mozzarella, roasted artichokes, artisanal salami, mushrooms, black olives, Pecorino Romano and basil. Look at that crust with all the beautiful little char blisters and the ingredients are always top notch. You have to eat it right when it comes out or else it will get steamed inside the box and the crust in the center gets wet and becomes too soft. They don't take short cuts and it shows in the product... Make a great product and the people will keep coming back. 

Amazing upskirt char blisters, so airy and fluffy. This is the type of pie that you will want to eat the crust. No matter which pie you order, it will still be one of the best 'ZA in town.

9. AVONDALE PIZZA CAFE.

After eating all those amazing 'ZAs so far... Sooner or later I had to end up here. The Yelpers can't get enough of this local pizza joint. So, naturally, the Pouch needed to see what all the fuss was about and to report on it, STAT. This pizza joint has been in Avondale for a long time and I never had a desire to come in for a bite. The Pouch's instincts are pretty much dead on balls... I can sniff it. No, not the balls but I always had a nose for terrible 'ZA. Well, will the Pouch be correct once again or will it have to eat it's own words... Let's find out, but either way, the Pouch is gonna be fed. Throwing up right after is not expected but will not be a surprise, either.

Cafe Combo, sausage, mushrooms, onions, green peppers, pepperoni and extra cheese. Is this for real? I have seen better looking pies come out from an Easy Bake Oven. Why does this pie look so undercooked? Maybe because the crust is bright white and barely looks cooked through. Peeled off a slice and took a bite... Meh, frozen pizza gives me more of a blood flow than this specimen. It was so underwhelming that I really wanted to leave but then I realized that I ordered other items... Dang, foiled, again!

Hot Pretzel, brushed with garlic butter (made from the pizza dough). This might be the saddest looking pretzel ever made. Is this dough turd even fully cooked? What happened to the dark brown color and salt crust we all come to know and love with pretzels? There was so much garlic butter at the bottom of this dog bowl that could give you a heart attack or use it to grease your drive shaft... But in the end I got the shaft. 

Italian Sub, ham, salami and capicola on wheat roll. That was my first mistake, ordering the wheat roll and my second mistake was ordering any sub in this place. Look at this sad sad looking sub... It looks like they used one slice of each ingredient. No self-respecting Ginzo would call this an Eyetalian Sub, it would be an embarrassment. Let's take a look on the inside before I totally shit on this sando.

Fuck me... Who made this sub? This ain't a sub, it's some kid's lunch sandwich that his mom threw together in the morning. This sub was so bad and almost inedible. I'm so sick of this place already and I have only been here once. Vietvana can make a better pizza (banh xeo) and sub (banh mi) next door.

10. SAPORI DI NAPOLI.

After that dismal showing at Avondale Pizza, I had to get some real pizza back in the Pouch. So, naturally, I went straight to the real deal at Sapori di Napoli. These paisanos are legit, not some wannabe guido from Jersey pretending to be from Italy. They got the Acunto oven and serving authentic Neapolitan Pizza as certified by the Verace Pizza Napoletana Association made with the infamous 00 Caputo flour. They don't need the Pouch to cheerlead for them, their 'ZA speaks for itself...

Salsiccia e Funghi, bufala mozzarella, Italian sausage, sauteed baby bella mushrooms. Look at that gorgeous pie with the vibrant colors of Italy. Bottomline, the 'ZA is legit and dericious and I gobbled up the entire pie within 10 minzies, crust and all. Then I had a couple of little snacks afterwards...

Half and Half, arancini balls and frittatine di pasta, San Marzano sauce. Eyetalians not only stole the Chino's noodles, they also stole our fried rice or flied lice... And yes, they were good.

Cannoli, chocolate and pistachios. They also stole out fried dough sticks but they stuffed it with sweet creamy ricotta and pistachios... And yes, they were good as well like everything they make.

11. JUNIOR'S PIZZA.

I had high hopes for them when they set off to do their own thing after working for Fellini's for years. Their location in Summerhill is pretty much a mini Fellini's... So many familiar characteristics borrowed from them are evident here. They are NY-style 'ZAs which is always much appreciated for this fat NYC ex-pat. They boast about the cup and char pepperoni they use which any NYer would kill for in this one horse town. My first visit was acceptable, the dough and crust is quite decent, the sauce a bit muted and the cheese was pretty standard but the cup and char peps were a standout. The only thing wrong with it was not enough c&c peps on the pie. Fast forward a couple of years without another visit in between and I was hoping they got their schtick together... So, I got the same exact pie... Let's see how it turned out.

Cup and Char Pepperoni Pie. This 'ZA has more bald spots than a 52 year old man... Wait, I'm 52... So the pie was pretty much the same, good dough, thin crust, sauce and cheese still the same- average. And the cup and char peps were spread unevenly, they were close to nailing it but missed a few obvious spots. It's a decent pie but for the price you would expect it to be perfect every time. It doesn't matter if this fat chode goes back in the future, they are in a good location with lots of foot traffic and they will do just fine without this slob.

12. FLIPPIN' PIZZA.

I have never even heard of this place which is a chain supposedly... There's one in Avondale and their gimmick is with the Indian pizza on the menu with flavors like Samosa, Butter Chicken and Paneer Tikka. The operators are Indian and the Indian pizzas do sound tempting but I'm sticking with the NYC-style pies. If they can get the NYC 'ZA right then I will be back for the Indian 'ZA. So many choices, how do I choose... Pouch, the answer is so easy... Go with one of the borough pies, duh!

Bronx, Flippin' pizza sauce, 100% whole milk mozzarella, pepperoni, sausage, green bell peppers, red onions, black olives, sliced mushrooms & garlic. Surprisingly, this is nice looking pie from a chain. The crust is thin and looked crusty. The ingredients were all vibrant but not that plentiful on top... Could use a few more peps, bro. The 'ZA was quite decent for a chain and I may just go back to try the Indian pies.

13. THE GREEK PIZZERIA & GYROS.

From the owners of Kafenio in Avondale comes a rebirth of  The Greek pizza that was briefly located in the Sweet Auburn Curb Market. Greek style 'ZA is not a favorite of mine.. Some of the worst Greek 'ZA I have ever had was from Chris' Pizza and Athens Pizza, fat dough crust, bland cheese and toppings, it was like eating Play-Doh cooked in an Easy Bake Oven... I'm getting triggered just thinking about that slop. And so, here I am at another Greek 'ZA joint. The shit I do for my one reader... Well, let's get it over with and execute the two-finga diet afterwards... 

The Greek Special with lamb gyro, feta, kalamata olives and fresh tomato. If this fat chode is gonna eat a Greek 'ZA, I might as well order the Greek Special... Just don't bend over. You know what, this doesn't look half bad... The Greek style crust is not as bad as those other two places and this may be saved after all. Picked up a slice and it was flexible enough to fold it in half. Took a bite and hmmm, this isn't half bad as well, it was quite acceptable. The toppings were pretty good quality which makes a big difference, obviously. I kinda liked it... Would I go back for another? Sure, but I would try another specialty pie on the menu.

Johnny's Special, hamburger, pepperoni, sausage, mushroom, onion, bell peppers. Everything's so green... I should roll it up and smoke it. They don't skimp on the toppings which is applaudable. I would like to see a little bit more of the proteins cuz this looks like a veggie pie. But overall, it was tasty enough to warrant future visits if I was around the area.

Supreme Vegetarian, spinach, mushroom, red onion, bell pepper, black olives, fresh tomato. They should call this the Black Olive pie or at least put black olives first on the ingredient list. I love black olives but shit, this is a lot of olives. For a veggie pie, it was still pretty filling because of all the toppings and dough... Well, I also ate the whole damn pie in one sitting.

Calzone, feta, provolone and white cheddar. This fat fuck just can't help itself... I fucking love calzones, they remind me of all the Hot Pockets I ate when I was born a poor black child that couldn't tell the difference between shit and shinola. But this calzone with the 3 types of cheeses really didn't do it for me. Visually, it looked OK but the bite and pull was lackluster. The marinara looked like ketchup at first glance. I will not be getting this Greek hot pocket in the future. But I will be getting a gyro or souvlaki... They remind me of a fleshlight.

Baklava. You gotta get the baklava if you're in a Greek joint... It's like getting fried rice when you order wings at a gas station in the hood, you just gotta do it by default. Look at this lovely specimen, look at the layers of filo and the plethora of nuts... I love nuts in my mouth, I like to store them in my cheeks like a chipmunk. This was a pretty good baklava but one or two bites is more than enough for me.

14. O4W PIZZA.

The originator of the Grandma pie in the Atlanta market. This pie is found all over Jersey and the 5 boroughs but the mooks of ATL has never heard of it before it was introduced off the Beltline near Krog Street Market a few years ago. Anthony Spina has really perfected the Grandma pie and it's easily the best version in Atlanta... The only drawback is that you have to drag your fat ass all the way to upstate GA to get a taste of his Grandma's pie... Who woulda thunk an old woman's pie can smell and taste so fresh and sweet... 

Grandma Pie, fresh mozzarella, homemade marinara, pecorino romano, EVOO, fresh oregano and basil. Just gorgeous and vibrant. I ate 6 squares in one sitting... I didn't want to look like a fat slob inhaling the entire pie on the sidewalk... I ate the rest of the pie when I got back into my car... What? I needed energy for the long drive back into town. But I fell into a food coma for 15 minutes before I even had a chance to start the car... Then I farted and woke myself up and went home to cry myself to sleep and hibernate for the 2-day winter.

15. PIELANDS.

This new pizzeria in the old Goin' Coastal space in VA-HI is from Billy Streck and Anthony Spina... Oh, wait, Spina ain't involved with this place anymore... Bless his heart. But is it just as good as Spina's O4W? I doubt it but let's find out anyways...

Noni Style, marinara, mozzarella, pecorino romano, EVOO, house pulled fresh mozzarella and fresh basil. The pie looked pretty good... If it came out of your home oven. For a commercial kitchen this pie was barely acceptable. It looked like it was made half-assed... It's like the cook started out strong and got lazy at the end. He just gave up. The pie is thinner and the ingredients are fine, not the best and the most flavorful but for the pedestrian palate it will do. The Pouch will prolly not make a revisit. Why waste precious time, money and pouch space for mediocre overpriced 'ZA these days with record inflation. We all need to get the best bang for our bucks these days... Especially, with the amount of food this fat chode consumes.

16. NINA & RAFI.

The original collaboration from Billy Streck and Anthony Spina... But not anymore... Bless his heart. Let's see if they continued the quality since their break-up... God, I hate coming to this part of the Beltline, it's filled to the brim with so many fucking mooks on those goddamn e-scooters and strollers are fucking everywhere as well and they take up the entire path like they own it. Fucking putz.

Super Margherita, marinara, garlic, pecorino, EVOO, house made mozzarella, fresh basil. Doesn't look too bad since their breakup. Let's take a closer look...

The crust is nice with char blisters. The ingredients are still fresh and vibrant. It's not a true Napoletana Marg 'ZA but it will do if you need a quick fix after scooting around this area of the scourge.

Upskirt, not too shabby. I'll take it for today after battling the crowd of entitled douche bags.

Meat Me In Detroit, detroit pie w/ hand sliced pepperoni, hot soppressata, spicy capicola. Why does this look like a meatball sub? I'm not a big fan of Detroit style 'ZA... They remind of a trailer park version of the Sicilian pie. It's so damn thick... I wonder if this specimen can twerk.

I do love that thin crispy crust on the edges... It reminds me of old school Pizza Hut in the 80's. It's prolly the best part of this pie. The sauce and the deli meats were pretty tasty. It's just so filling and then you get so bloated from the expansion in the pouch.

Love this corner piece of crust... I'm such a fucking simpleton. But I will prolly not make another visit any time soon... But I will definitely make another visit to Glide around the corner, their 'ZA's fucking rock.

17. SAVAGE PIZZA.

The local ATL pizza joint that has lasted the test of time with their superhero theme. I don't go to the L5P location anymore... I don't know what pronouns to use in there anymore. I go to the Avondale location nowadays... It's quieter and quicker service. They are not NY style or Napoletana style... They are more ATL style, whatever the fuck that means but it's just unique like a red headed stepchild...

No-Brainer, red tomato sauce, Italian sausage, pepperoni, green peppers, black olives, mushrooms, yellow onions, mozzarella and parmesan cheeses. If you can't figure what kinda toppings you want, stick with the No-Brainer, it pretty much has everything you want on a pie. It looks like an absolute mess but it's pretty tasty if you're high or drunk... And the crust is puffy... Puff puff give it back.

Italian Sub, capicolla, salami, pepperoni and mozzarella, mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomato and vinaigrette. Served hot, crusty and melty. Ah, yeah, no... This ain't no Italian sub... Maybe an Eyetalian afterbirth. It was messy and hard to eat and the roll was kinda hard and stale. Why do I keep coming back here every 3-4 months? It's like asking a S&M gimp why it likes to be tortured over and over again.

18. FELLINI'S. 

Their giant NY style 'ZA by the slice has always been a great value in the ATL... At $2.95 a slice, it's still be the best deal today during this ultra high inflation times. I haven't been there in a long time but you just can't leave this joint off the pizza list. I was gonna hit Cameli's after but it's too late now since they're closed for good.

Fellini's Special, pepperoni, mushrooms, Italian sausage, onions, meathballs, green peppers, black olives, green olives and extra cheese. Hmmm, I don't really remember being this disappointed at first glance of their "Special" house pie. It looked like a billy goat ate a bucket of warm hamster vomit and then proceeded to shat all over a half baked dough. It's like some demented Jackson Pollock painting titled "Shit Over Wack, White, Yellow and Red".

Jesus Christ, is this what's hiding underneath an 80 year old's bloomers? Oh, wait, it's just the upskirt of Fellini's shitty dough. This pie was so underwhelming that I left half the pie in the bottom of the fridge for like 4 months until the smell woke me up to throw it out.

19. LLOYD'S RESTAURANT AND LOUNGE.

From the crew that brought you Victory, SOS Tiki Bar and Little Trouble (RIP). They changed the concept at this location a few times since the environment demanded it. They are mostly a pizza joint now but with some weekday specials. I like this place as a hangout... Especially, when they were doing bike nights with Brother Moto. Now, the crowds are a hit or miss throughout the week. They also have a coffee joint right next door. I usually just get a few drinks here but hardly ever eat here... Until a friend ordered this for the table.

 

Great White, white sauce, mozzarella, provolone, ricotta, basil. If I ordered, I would always go with a red sauce pie. White pies are boring as fuck. It's basically cheesy bread. But I'm always open to trying different 'ZAs. It doesn't look bad at all. The first thing I noticed was the crust... It's quite crispy looking with a nice sheen to it. They obviously brush it with butter or EVOO. I had one slice and it was fine... It's just filler while imbibing your favorite midwest trucker swill. Maybe next time I will get a red pie since I saw a decent looking pepperoni pie on the next table.

20. BRASILIANA PIZZA.

I don't get why they call their style a "knife and fork"... But this new Brasilian pizza is an interesting concept and this fat fuck got sucka'd all in- hook, line and stinker... I had to have it once at least. They don't have their own shop, they're in a commune with other food vendors off Howell Mill Rd. They call it a Ghost Kitchen but it's more like walking in to a fancy Post Office to pick up your mail or in this case, 'ZA. I'm also interested in trying the other food vendors in this Post Office.

Portuguesa, pizza sauce, mozzarella, ham, tomato, black olives, green peppers, bacon, onions, boiled eggs, peas and oregano. The boiled eggs sold me on this 'ZA... C'mon, if the plebes can have pineapple on pizza, I can has EGGS on mine. Let's take a closer look at this beauty...

No fucking knife or fork needed... Eat this shit like a real man! Unlike The Greek Pizzeria, they are not that generous on the black olives... But the eggs were more than sufficient to make up for the lack of olives. The eggs are such a gimmick but I really liked this pie.

The crust was surprisingly impressive. It had good rise and crispiness to it. Maybe it's the whole gimmick of Brazilian flavors on these pies but they also have dessert pies which are curious as well... I will definitely be back to try them, too. Shit, why am I being so nice to them... It's like the adopted child in the family, you want to be nice to them in the beginning until they fuck up. If they had red hair, forgettaboutit...

21. LA CALAVERA PIZZA.

Anyone remember when they were just a bakery on East College in Avondale? It was in a tiny shithole location but they had some pretty tasty Mexican baked goods. It was only a matter of time before they closed that location down due to low traffic and moved to Memorial Drive... Which is even a shittier location. The location is basically a small house with not a lot of parking and no one will ever walk over there in that area. But the Pouch will always risk life and pig knuckles to report all that's fit to eat to it's one fan and reader... And they have their version of a Grandma pie so I'm fucking there, ese! They have expanded their menu quite a bit since I was there last and now I need to go try some of their new pies.

Ladrillos (AKA Bricks), homemade tomato sauce, mozzarella and pecorino. This is their version of the Grandma pie made with their special sourdough. It's quite hefty and looks pretty good.

That sure is a sourdough crust with it thickness. The toppings coat the entire sourdough crust which is nice... All the way to the corners!

Interior shot of the sourdough crust... Looking good, Billy Ray... Feeling good, Louis... And Tasting good, Pouch! It's a heavy thick 'ZA but the flavor is pretty good. It's not my typical goto 'ZA but it's perfect when I'm in my fat girl mood. I gobbled up the entire pie and then cried myself to sleep like a socially awkward fat girl. 

22. PRICCI'S.

This place is still open? Jesus, I guess if Johnny's Hideaway is still in business, so can this joint. Pricci is older than most of the cougars I have dated... Well, they are more like sabertooths, now. Just walking into this place is like walking into a time capsule. Everything still looks and feels like your grandma's house. And the demographics in here... Woof. How did all these geriatrics get permission from Andrew Cuomo to go out on the same night from the nursing homes? I didn't want to get COVID from these high risk Cuomo-sexuals, so, I went straight to the bar... Whiskey will kill anything.

Regina Margherita, san marzano tomatoes, fresh basil, house-made mozarella. It's not a bad looking 'ZA at all... The curst had a nice rise and decent char blisters. The melted cheese looked like a smegma cesspool. The sauce looked too orange and moist. It was an acceptable and edible 'ZA if you're on your death bed but this is definitely not a destination spot for great pizza.

Upskirt... Not too shabby. Some char spots and some blond spots. But it was not undercooked. I would not come back here for the 'ZA.

Since, I was here already... This fat fuck had to get a couple of half orders for a snack... Naturally. Also, I had nothing else to say about that 'ZA and needed to take up space...

Risotto ai Funghi, local wild mushrooms, taleggio cheese, umbria truffle pesto. OK, this was a very nice looking dish... WTF? Where am I, again? The assorted shrooms and truffle pesto on top made this dish. I can't believe it was this good... But I still won't come back here, again.

Orecchiette, housemade italian sausage & broccoli rabe with garlic, evoo, peperoncino. Jesus, this was another tasty little snack, not as good as the risotto but I can't complain about this simple tasty dish. 

23. MARCO'S PIZZA.

How the fuck did a chain pizza make this sophisticated and exclusive list? This fat fuck don't discriminate when it comes to 'ZA but I ain't putting Papa John's, Domino's or Little Caesars on this highly respected food blog. I have an image to uphold... Like the wads of used toilet paper piled high in a port-a-potty. I have never been here or tasted their pizza... But I was curious if this was just another generic chain 'ZA joint...

Pepperoni Magnifico, classic pepperoni and crispy Old World pepperoni. The first thing that came to mind was my comparison to Junior's pepperoni pie... This chain pizzeria just won with the even distribution of cup and regular pepperoni across the entire pie alone.

Look at those pepperoni pooling with grease in each cute little cups. I just don't get why I'm so fat eating such healthy foods. I can't believe I'm gonna say this... But I would get another one of these just for the cup pepperonis alone... Along with a discount code. 

24. ENZO'S PIZZA.

This pizza joint has been in Tucker for ages... With a name like Enzo's, this must be the Ferrari of all pizzas. Let's see what's going on in this Italian stallion stable.

Pepperoni. WTF is that? It looks like a giant pimple that needs to be popped by Dr. Pimple Popper. Maybe this was semi-homemade by the other Sandra Lee. It is just a hideous looking pie. That crust looks like the wagon wheel Moses used to cross the Red Sea...  

Jesus F Christ... Yes, Jesus' middle name was Fucking. And I'm fucking over this awful undercooked dough. It was just a disgusting fatty blob of grease and puffy half baked dough. Frozen pizza laughs at this. How does this place stay in business for so long? Oh, yeah, just look at the demographics in this place... Woof.

Margherita Slice. WTF do I keep doing this to myself? Seriously, they called themselves a pizzeria? I think it's from Margaritaville... I guess their salt shaker is still lost and which woman is to be blamed for this sun baked spooge cake? And who spilled cream of mushroom on this slice?

Upskirt doesn't look that bad but you don't serve pizza upside down... That would be a Laffa. Flipped it back down and saw that mess on top again... And I thought about that old adage about seeing a chick down the street, "It's good from afar but far from good." 

25. GUSTAVO'S.

Who the fuck? Yeah, that's what she said... And where the fuck is this dump? Bro, they are in Dahlonega... Where? Exactly. What is this place? Well, it's supposed to be an "Italian eatery with real New York style pizza". We shall see...Walked in and the creastures in the entire place looked like they were from Hazzard county... Oh, wait, that's Covington... Same difference. This mullet friendly joint was packed, so that means the 'ZA will either be good or total garbage.

The Chaz, pepperoni, mushrooms, fresh mozzarella, arrabiatta sauce. WHO. DA. FUK. IS. CHAZ. and WHAT. DUH. FUK. IS. THIS? Did this come off the toilet in the only bathroom in the entire joint? How many mossbacks did their biznaz on it before they threw it in the oven for 2 hours? It looks like a fucking 100 million year old fossil found in the limestone layer of the Blue Ridge mountains. You can literally see what the dinosaurs ate from the petrified shit on this exhibit. Holy fuck, how do you even try to eat this shit... Do you even really want to? It looked like what a brontosaurus regurgitated through it's 20 foot neck... I ain't a baby bird, bro. The crust was so burnt and dry as Quikrete. The sauce was bland and the toppings all melted like that inbred Gestapo's face in Raiders of the Lost Ark. This was so bad that even the bartender felt sorry for this fat fuck and took it off the bill. Never again.

26. NICK'S SLICE OF BROOKLYN PIZZERIA & BAR.

So, I was in Panama City Beach for bike week and this was supposedly the best NY style 'ZA in PCB. I know this ain't in da ATL but I have been to PCB so many times for bike week that I never took this place seriously. And also, why would I eat pizza at the beach when seafood is what you should be eating near the water. Just when I thought I got out of visiting this place again, I got pulled back in by friends (imaginary) who really wanted pizza... And like a sucka, I went along with it... As long as there was booze.

Pepperoni Pie. The staff told me that they were all from NYC and they brought their ancient eyetalian family secret recipes with them. I asked them if they use old world pepperoni aka cup pepperoni... They said, "Wha da fuk is dat?" I'm like... Sigh. Nevermind, just put in a regular old pepperoni pie. 15 minzies later, this came out. It was so average and pedestrian looking... A basic pep pie that you could get anywhere. Was it awful? No, it wasn't putrid but it wasn't great, either. There was so much fake cheese on there that made it so greasy. The crust lacked the rise of a true NYC 'ZA but the foldability was passable. The sauce was average with a hint of sweetness. The pepperoni were standard Sysco issued. If you eat it in house while it's hot, it's fine as a pre-drinking filler to absorb all the swill from bar hopping all night. If you let it sit till it gets cold, it locks up tight like an untrained girl's jaw giving her first head.  

When you're drunk and high as Pookie from New Jack City, you take horrible shaky pictures from the effects of withdrawal. But you can see the evidence on the bottom of the pie... They use metal screen pans. No fucking respectable NY'er, let alone an Eyetalian, would ever fucking use these hillbilly ass shit pans. Jesus fuck, I hope they didn't airfry this. I demanded the motherfucker who wanted to come here to buy me shots of brown juice laced with roofies, so, I can forget this shitshow the next morning.

27. AMICI ITALIAN KITCHEN 30A.

Since, I was in the PCB-30A, I had to stop in here to see what the fuss was about. I heard good things about this Eyetalian joint, especially about the 'ZA, but of course, most praises from plebes usually goes in one ear and out my asshole. But I was still curious and y'all know what curiosity did to the cat... It ended up on combo #4 at Wok 'n Roll. Let's go take a look during happy hour... For the specials so I don't feel so ripped off if it sucked ass.

Prosciutto di Parma, san marzano tomato sauce, fresh mozzarella, fresh baby arugula. Am I dreaming? This doesn't look half bad... I mean it looked good. How can this be? The crust looked good, the red sauce vibrant, the prosciutto transparent with a nice balance of fat and pork, fresh argula... C'mon, this can't be. Oh, yes, Pouch, it be... I took a bite and I was in. This was surprisingly good for a Florida pizza joint. I asked them if they make the dough here with 00 Caputo and they said they didn't know because they get the dough from a 3rd party vendor. Either way, I was OK with this for $10 a pie. I need more pies, STAT...

Funghi, cremini, shiitake, king oyster, fancy mushroom, fontina, white truffle oil. Unreal, this looked just as good as the prosciut pie... And it tasted good as well. It was earthy and they didn't skimp on the truffle oil to enhance it even more. Another winner. 

Salciccia, san marzano tomato sauce, shredded mozzarella, imported italian sausage, cipollini onions, wild mushrooms. I'm waiting for them to fuck up somewhere but they refused to disappoint me. Another good looking pie once again. I fucking ate all 3 pies in one sitting and I don't regret it... For now. I better dig a big hole on the beach just in case my old frienemy comes to visit... His initials are IBS and sometimes he uses D at the end... He thinks he's a doctor sometimes.

This was an amazing journey, Pouch... But it's missing one very popular pizza joint from this porker's list... Oh, I know, I did it on purpose... Fuck Antico. That shit is for tourists with the palate of a billy goat. Speaking of goats... Now, I'm thinking about doing an all mutton biryani review titled... Ready?... The GOAT.

OK OK... I fucking swore up and down (or is that side to side for this fat fuck) that I would never go back to this fucking place nor would I ever give these motherfuckers another dime of my money... But I had to report all that's fit to eat to my one reader, it would not be fair to my only fan. So, these mofos opened a new location in Tucker... Well, let's just get this fucking over with, Pouch... I swear this will be the last time I come to this dump. Promise...

28. ANTICO PIZZA TUCKER.

It's a nice looking space and I'm sure it will do well in this area that is being developed more and more for gentrification. Oh, I hate giving these fuckers my money... The shit I do for my one reader.

San Gennaro, Italian sausage, sweet red peppers, bufala mozzarella, garlic, cipollini onions. This is like their most popular pie and you would think they would have this down pat with every one of these pies coming out like it was from an assembly line. Look at this thing.. What shape is that? Looks like the diaphragm my ex-gf used back in the late 1900's... And it looks like it's doing it's job of blocking anything from going into my facehole. If you showed this pie to any pizzaiolo in Naples they would ask the same question like when they showed General Tso's chicken to chefs in China... What the FUCK is that? There is no question the ingredients they use are quality but look at the execution it's just amateur. It tasted OK but we all know we eat with our eyes first and your brain will process the taste accordingly. The shape and amount of exposed crust is what bothers me the most, there was no passion in making this pie. They rushed it through and hoped no one notices or will say anything... Because it's Antico and we don't say bad things about them... Fuck 'em.

Napoletana, broccoli rabe, Italian sausage, bufala mozzarella, garlic, olive oil. The shape of the pie came out better on this one... But... I love it when they fuck up royally and the Pouch gets to shit all over them... Take a guess at what's wrong with this pie? It's the first ingredient... That ain't broccoli rabe. That is just regular old broccoli. I waved down a lady with an apron and she came over. I showed her the broccoli and she said that the vendor brought the wrong broccoli. I told her that they don't taste the same and she agreed. She also agreed that every single person that ordered this pie didn't notice or say anything about the broccoli. This proves my point that people really don't know what the fuck they're eating. No one looks at what they're eating. They just nod their heads and eat what's given to them without complaint. She was nice enough to offer another pie on the house... With how much they charge for pies here, I took the offer without objection.

Capricciosa, Italian ham, mushroom, artichoke, bufala mozzarella, garlic, olive oil. Look at this pig vomit. This is almost comical... The first ingredient once again. Italian ham can be any of the following- prosciutto, coppa, pancetta, speck, guanciale and a handful of other real Italian ham... Look at that pink boiled ham on that pie. It definitely ain't any of those cured ham varietal. It looked more like Hormel canned ham. Their vendor did it again! I guess Golden Corral got their order instead.

Is this what Led Zep meant when the levee breaks? Flush. I'm never coming back here, again... Unless they open another location... So, I can take another giant shit on them.

Holy shit... After eating all that 'ZA is making me "Yeet Hay". Speak English, not Engrish, you fat fuck!  What the hell is Yeet Hay, Pouch? What kinda hot air bullshit are you feeding your one loyal and lonely fan? Well... Ed Zachery! That is exactly what it is... Hot Air. How the fuck did the Pouch eat all this gluten without having constant gout attacks? It's an ancient Chinese secret... Now, where's my Rascal scooter...

Pump Pump...

SQUIRT.