I know, I know... The Pouch has been radio silent for awhile and my one fan has been speculating that the new variant IBS-D-VID may have taken the Lord of the Obeast six feet under the toilet. They say fat people are not trustworthy but trust me, when I say this portly bastardo has been hard at work coming up with new beat-off material for all your food porn needs. I have been eating non-stop for the last few weeks coming up with an ultimate review that will be revealed later, once, the Great Pit of Pouchkoon has digested all the carbs... But in the meantime, here's a few bites around town to give y'all a quick reach around and pre-mature squirts...
Poncey Highland has been on a tear to get new tenants and unique concepts to bring more foot traffic around this walkable area. The biggest hype is probably 8Arm(RIP)/Octopus Bar's newest fish shack where everybody and their MILF's are creaming their underpants about their "to-die-for" blackened grouper sando... Is a fucking fish sandwich really the newest fad in this one horse landlocked town? I don't know but let's see what all the fuss is about...
FISHMONGER.
I love the concept and the cozy space but c'mon, bro, this ain't no fish market... Almost everything on the limited seafood display is for their menu. No one is coming here to buy seafood to cook at home. I like the push cart outside but it's only function seems to be a counter to eat food on. How cool would it be if they had someone out there shucking oysters to order... Fatsos can dream can't they?
Blackened Grouper Sandwich, Florida sauce, pickled peppers, herb salad, tomato, butter-toasted Martin's seeded bun, $19. For this price point, you better execute every goddamn fish sando perfectly... And of course, the big-boned people always get shafted... I wish I was shafted with a pickle but they never included one with my hotel priced fish sando. I knew what I was getting into but knowing and experiencing this spectacle were two totally different things. Is it a good grouper sando? Yes in a polite way. Did it make all my dreams come true? Hell No. Was it crave-worthy enough to get butt slammed, again? Fuck No. An average sized $20 fish sando that shoulda came with some Old Bay seasoned fries or even a cheap bag of generic chips did not give me the warm and fuzzies that commanded that price point. Go try it for yourself and decide if it's worth the price of admission more than one time.
Gulf Shrimp Roll, seared gulf shrimp, FM mayo, fried shallots, dill, lemon, new bae herbs, masago, butter-toasted Martin's seeded bun, $16. Compared to the grouper sando, this seemed to be a bargain... Especially, with the included pickle. Hmmm, this fat fuck may have spoke too soon. When I think of any roll that consists of seafood, I think of a top split roll that is buttered and toasted on each side and filled with a plethora of sweet seafood filling... Then this came out. I'm all for coming out with a taste of the rainbow but this may want to go back into the closet, the janitor's closet. It was so overdressed with a liquidity mayo which made it an absolute mess to eat without a knife and fork... People are getting killed these days for putting too much mayo in their subs. What's the FM stand for? Fuck Me sauce? Because after every bite you'll be saying fuck me with every new jizz stain on your brand new shirt. That janitor should be coming out of the closet saying "Supplies!", so, you can wipe up after yourself. The ingredient list sounds amazing on paper but the whole package didn't really live up to the price. If this was served inside a buttered toasted top split roll, it would have made all the difference.
This joint will be chalked up as an Once and Done and with my pouch and wallet a lot lighter... Especially, with their hidden "5% packaging fee" even if you eat there and the "8.9% tax" seemed a bit high even for Fulton county. Their POS system seemed to have the 20% tip quick button front and center to capture the easily flustered crowd. I just can't imagine nor accept paying over $50 for one acceptable fish sando and one average shrimp bun.
JINYA RAMEN BAR.
After the lackluster visit to FM, I was still hangry but luckily, this unpolished turd waddled its way around the corner to the brand spanking new JINYA and it was still Happy Hour (3-5PM)... Thank baby Jesus, there may be a food god after all. The space looks small on the outside but the inside is quite spacious and modern. I just hate them screaming some fake Japanese greeting when you walk in like I'm about to order a fucking burrito.
JINYA Bun, slow braise pork chashu, cucumber, baby mixed greens and JINYA bun sauce and mayo, $3.50 HH. I don't know why I always get suckered into these pork buns at various Pan Asian joints... This was fine and at happy hour prices, I'm OK with it... I always promise myself never again but I usually forget after I walk out the door and then restate my promise after I eat the next pork bun... It's just a vicious cycle of gluttony.
Crispy Chicken, juicy fried chicken thigh, garlic pepper, mixed baby greens and JINYA ponzu sauce, $5 HH. This was an amazing deal for the portion during happy hour. It's basically a buck a piece of thigh. It was light, crispy and juicy... Nothing to complain about here. A sure hit on every visit. Have I ever mentioned that I like fwied cheekan? Burp.
Tonkotsu Black, pork broth, pork chashu, kikurage, green onion, nori dried seaweed, seasoned egg, $14.95. Now, this is a meal and under 15 bucks! The first thing I tasted was the broth, it was full of flavor and depth and it was quite satisfying. While it might not have the full sticky collagen intensity like at some local ramen shops, the tonkotsu broth at this chain was more than acceptable. The thin ramen noodles were toothy and cooked perfectly, I'm kinda impressed. But I also never had a bad experience on past visits at their other locations. The chashu was a bit too thin but still provided the necessary protein required for a proper tonk ramen. The soy egg was spot on with a golden liquid center that oozed like a freshly blended embryo. It's just a good bowl of tonkotsu ramen when you need a quick fix.
I got a full 3 course meal for under $24, almost as much as one lonely average fish sando with no pickle or chips. This joint will be on my regular rotation since they are intown, now.
SEASIDE GRILLE OF LILBURN.
Since, the seafood sandwich seed has now been planted in my pea brain... I had a craving for another grouper sando. I saw this joint on my way to another joint, so, I turned around. The joint's name said it was a seaside grille but I searched all around and couldn't find the sea any where near this place. The closest water source was a raw sewage drainage on the corner. The parking lot was empty and the inside didn't looked open. Things like locked doors doesn't deter the Pouch from getting its fried vittles... Like that time I broke the door off at a Popeyes on Buford Hwy when I was in a cheekan trance... Wait, did I say that out loud? Nevermind, let's see what kinda seafood this place has to offer.
Grouper Sandwich (fried), toasted potato bun, lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles and sweet potato fries, $13. Wow, a grouper sando with fries and loose greens for $13? Sounds reasonable to me... But what is that festering foaming orange jizzlobbery? I think I'll stick with the tartar packets on the plate. It's not a bad looking fried fish. The crust looks crispy but not too thick. Let's put this thing together and take a bite... The bun is your generic supermarket hamburger bun, it was tossed on the flat top for a second to give it the thin char ring around the edge of the bun, no butter was detected. The piece of lettuce was from the bottom of the head, thick and hard... That's what she said. I stroked it a bit and it was pretty much inedible, removed it and replaced with that loose spinach. The tomato slice was decent quality. Squirted a little tartar from the packet and away we go... Crunch. Yeah, the first bite had a nice crunch. Chewed and chewed and chewed to find a taste of the grouper. Nada, nothing. It was bland, unseasoned and tasted like nothing. I don't think it was even grouper. It's no secret that low rent fish fry joints subbed certain premium fish that looks great printed on menus with garbage feeders like tilapia and the common sea bass and most people don't even know any better. I used my imagination that I was eating grouper for the rest of the sando and it was still a let down. The sweet potato fries were quite good... Yeah, I have resorted to praising the side more than the main event on the plate.
Shrimp Po'Boy, toasted hoagie, lettuce, tomato, remoulade sauce, Aunt Rose's mac & cheese, $12. Why do I torture myself like this but I had to do it. Doesn't look half bad, huh? But let's see what kinda bread is under all that slop..
WTF?! A generic hot dog bun? Is anyone even trying in here? I have seen better looking bread in a NYC public school cafeteria. If it ain't from Leidenheimer, it ain't a po'boy. I'm gonna eat the mac first because it's made by Aunt Rose... Dang, that is a pretty good mac & cheese. Aunt Rose is on point with her mac. Maybe she should have made the po'boy. OK, let's not rag on it until the Pouch has tried it. Took a bite, besides the obvious shitty hot dog bun, the fried shrimp was quite tasty, had good crunch and the shrimp had a nice bite and it didn't taste like it had been sitting in the walk-in for months, uncovered. The tomato slices were too thick and it just kept sliding out with each bite. It's not an authentic po'boy by any means but do you think the creastures from the sewers of Lilburn really care? Seriously, what's with that damn bubbling rancid smegma sauce? Avoid at all costs, it's just nasty.
Fried Oyster Basket (6), coleslaw, hushpuppies, fries, $10. Once, again... The Pouch just can't help itself. OK, I'll admit I wanted to get the oyster po'boy, too, but after seeing that hot dog bun on the shrimp po'boy, it was a hard pass. But that doesn't mean I was gonna pass up some tasty fried oysters. I just wanted a sample so I got the small basket. They are some small oysters but the flaky crust didn't look half bad. It had a nice crunch and the oysters were surprisingly tasty... It's always a shot in the dark when you order shellfish at places like this and since, they were pretty much empty on this weekend you really can't tell how long the raw shellfish has been sitting around. The hushpuppies were dry and hard as a Everlasting Gobstopper and the coleslaw tasted like it was marinated in a HVAC condensation drip pan. Just when you thought it couldn't get anymore comical, they ran out of tartar packets and replaced it with ketchup packets to squirt on the oysters or maybe it was for the old fries... Does it really matter now?
Parmesan Grits. I originally asked for the parmesan grits with the oysters but they gave me some old brown bag fries instead. But the server was nice enough to get me an order anyway... It was creamy and cheesy and addictive. This might have been the best dish on this visit along with Aunt Rose's mac.
The big question- Would the Pouch make a revisit? One word- Flush.
