Chicken Sandwich Franchise Wars Part Deux

Is there still a chicken sandwich war going on these days? Or is there a chicken sando fatigue? Fuck no. You (and I mean me) can't have enough fried chicken in all shapes and sizes. The VID will never stop the Pouch from supporting the fowl industry even with the limited supply chain and labor shortage. 

Enough of the small talk... Let's get right to it and take a look at the next set of contenders (or victims) in no particular order... But the first one on the list still cracks me up... That fucking Guy. What a chode...

CHICKEN GUY! - The Sauce Boss.

This was the entrance at the Gatlinburg location... If you blinked you would miss it... Which I did and I had to turn around because I would do anything for my one fan... But I won't do that... Again. Their big gimmick here isn't the main attraction which you would think would be the chicken sando but it's the sauces... There's 22 fucking different sauces to choose from. And they all sound like crap. I saw a table with two mooks that literally paid $10 to try all the sauces @ 50 cents a piece. 2 sauces come with an order. 

2 Pieces of chicken tenders with LTOP & your choice of any two signature sauces. Look at that shit... Is it wearing a cabbie hat or is that a smooshed head of a Peking duck? If so, that is some lacquered skin! There's really nothing attractive about this cheekan sando... If this is even considered a cheekan sando since it's 2 fucking tenders in a bun. Maybe if we look at it from a different angle...

Eh, it looks a little better but not by much... Why am I so hesitant to put this in my snout? Maybe it's because the finely shredded lettuce reminded me of Guy's spikey hair. Bless his poor wife's heart who has to choke his chicken for her nightly marital duties... Ok, let's take a bite... That shit basically started to fall apart on the first bite with so many moving parts, it wasn't built solid enough to take the mouth beating by the Pouch. The tenders' crust were lightly coated but it did have a nice crunch to it. The chicken itself didn't have much flavor. Maybe that's why you get two sauces to mask it. It's a very average cheekan sando, not crave-worthy to warrant another... Let's take a look at the sauces I picked... More poor life choices.

Wasabi Honey. Holy shit was this watery... Why does it look like chive oil? I had to shake it up because the solids were all settled at the bottom. It tasted so bad, so fake, so chemically enhanced... Bro, it's fucking wasabi and honey, it's not rocket science even in Flavortown.

Avocado Crema. Barely a hint of artificial avocado flavor but it was creamy in pre-jack way. But still a snoozer.

This is like a list of characters from the Angry Birds movie... I'm not going to list every sauce here. You can go on his website and look at them... https://chickenguy.com/menu/gatlinburg/

BURGER KING - Ch'King.

Does this sound racist? I'm sure some woke mook will make it so.

How many fucking bags and wrappers does one cheekan sando need?

Holy shit, I see why it needed so many bags and wrappers, now... Squirt.

WTF is this Peter North jizz-lobbery? Is that a melted single-serve slice of processed cheese? What the fuck is that shit bleeding all over my sando? Turns out it was mayo. No wonder why that fat fuck at the pick up window was smirking when he handled it to me. C'mon, bro, fat fucks have to stick together! Safety in numbers and pounds.

I wiped (from front to back) off as much smegma as I could and flipped the cheekan patty over to make it look more appetizing... We all eat with our eyeballs first, even for this fat turd. Now, it looks more like a cheekan sando, barely...

Put it back together and did a side shot... Definitely, looks more edible. But how did it taste, Pouch? It tasted like shit... This was not good at all. Well, not as bad as McDonald's shit chix sando but this may be 2nd to last. It was dry as a fucking 90 year old woman. no wonder why they put on so much mayo, for lube, squirt. Don't even waste your time or money on this garbage. Next...

WENDY'S - Spicy Chicken Sandwich.

Pretty straight forward with the wrapper. It's normal sized like a regular old sandwich from anywhere USA.

Eh, where's the snooze button because the annoying beeping sounds is going off in my tiny head. Very average and boring looking. You can't even see the damn fried chicken patty.

So sad. It looks like it was made on a Ford assembly line from the early 1900's. Generic, bland and equally boring... A socialist's wet dream. Still can't see the patty... Let's peel away more layers like an onion... I'm still crying. Maybe I'll cry myself to sleep before I have to eat it.

Looks eerily similar to the McDonald's $1 McChicken. 

The side boob shot looks a little bit better, shows a bit more meat thickness. The overall taste and package is very very average. You forget about the whole ordeal after a minute has passed... Like you never ate it. Skip this side show and stick with their burgers which are much better.

BOJANGLES - Chicken Sandwich.

Lovely packaging, so vibrant and festivus! Making my facehole wet already...

I love the doodlings under the hood... They put some effort into this specimen. 

Finally, a cheekan sando that have some thickness and personality to it. The bun and crust looks pretty nice.

Lift the hood and peek those two saucy pickles.

That's a pretty nice piece of fried chicken patty. Not too much sauce like that BK cumstain, just a hint on here... So, I can pump some hot sauce on there.

Oh yeah, this is so much better than the others. The side boob shot is very nice and them breastses are hanging over the bun. Pretty much all there except for the nip slip. I don't care, I'm going all in... Fucking inhale this bitch in less than a minzie. Bo has done it again... These fuckers know fwied cheekan. Was it better than Popeyes? Hmmm... No fucking way, ese.

GRUB BURGER - OG Chicken Sandwich.

I know this ain't a fast food dump but it is a chain... And they have a cheekan sando. I had to have it... For my one fan. But look at that specimen... Looks pretty good.

That's a nice looking cheekan sando. Good amount of pickles and a very nice looking crust.

Side shot reveals all the secrets... Light crispy flaky crust and moist meat. This sando was good enough to order again... Just needs a good douse of hot sauce.

TIN DRUM - Koreano Sandwich and Panko Sriracha Sandwich.

I couldn't resist another chain that jumped into the cheekan sando wars... Even if they appropriated the KFC theme.

Panko fried chicken, Gochujang pepper sauce, pickled carrot & daikon, sesame oil, brioche bun. Fancy words does not make a tasty cheekan sando. The flaccid carrot & daikon seemed to be boiled down and then put into a vinegar jar. The Gochu pep sauce was cloyingly sweet like the fake orange sweet & sauce at slutty Chino joints. The chicken patty itself was over fried and way too hard to chew in an enjoyable way. 

Panko fried chicken, sriracha mango mayo, jalapeno drizzle, pickled ginger, brioche bun. How fucking much pickled ginger does one sando need? That portion is enough for a sushi boat for 4. And it wasn't even pickled. Almost looked like strips of bubblegum tape. I know y'all are waiting for the best part... What the fuck is that yellow mustard like substance? Supposedly, the sriracha mango mayo... It was more like Grey Poupon. Shit, it woulda tasted better if it was... Because I'm high-brow. Chicken patty was the same hard shit like the other. 

They both come with Tokyo fries... Which are brown bag crinkle cut fries and only good when they are hot, after they cool down, it's like chewing on gummy paste.

Ok, I don't know why I went back... Maybe because I forgot I went there the first time... Order the same exact shit with the sauces on the side. Was it a glitch in the Matrix? But this time it looked and tasted totally different... I ain't gonna be Jedi mind tricked back, again. I'm such a putz.

PUBLIX - Chicken Sando.

How fucking low rent can you go, Pouch?! Well, this oinker is no stranger to feeding at the bottom of the barrel... Of course, Publix had to get into the chicken wars... Jesus help the Pouch on this retarded demonspawn. I'm not down-syndrome with this...

I don't know WTF this is but it kinda looks like a Care Bear vag... OK, it's just a fucking chicken tender between two buns and they add bacon and sliced cheese to it. Were they inspired by Chicken Guy!?

This side shot makes it look like it was constructed with chicken nuggets and it was so underwhelming which is surprising because their tenders are usually pretty good... But their fried chicken is even better... Wait, here's an idea... Put a fried thigh between two buns, instead! Fucking winnah winnah cheekan dinnah!

I know my one fan has been wondering where the fuck has this fat chode been? Eating is hard. Finding good eats in the time of the VID is even harder. Every fucking menu in town is filled with the same bullshit generic items. It's just not worth wasting time and money on them. But don't worry, I still have a plethora of backed up beat off material that I still need to write up... Speaking of backed up... I need to evacuate all these cheekan sandos, STAT. 

Splash splash... Flush.