How fucking drunk are you, you nasty corpulent fuck? How much goddamn brown juice did you guzzle down to be eating at the bottom of the food chain? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you, Pouch? Have you just become a disgusting, low renting, bottom feeding, scruffy looking, nerf herding, fat piece of shit with old age? Why, yes, yes, I have... Wait, who's scruffy looking? When it comes to food, I have never discriminated against anything that is made for human consumption, even if it's borderline dog food. I have eaten at Taco Bell unconsciously before and that is like the lowest of the low, but somehow you don't give a shit when you're pissed drunk... Shit, I have eaten box mac & cheez that I dropped on the kitchen floor at my frat house and I still ate the shit outta it because I was a poor ass college student. There was dirt, pubes and gravel in my mac but I was starving and pretended that they were just sprinkles... And here I am still alive to tell the tale.
Del Taco is supposed to be like 3 notches higher than Toxic Hell... 3 notches of what, a midget's stubby fingers? I haven't eaten at a Del Taco in many many moons but their shtick is that they do prep a lot of things fresh in house and not just pouring it out from factory sealed bags. This location used to be a Pollo Tropical and I was ok with their "Caribbean" style cheekan once or twice a year... But their chicken neck was wrung quietly one night and was never seen alive again. Then the space sat empty for a quite awhile until Del Taco took it over. It was a good deal for them since the build out was already done for them.
I stopped by a few weeks after their grand opening and it was fucking packed. There was line almost out the door... I'm like, what the fuck is going on up in this piece... All this hype for fucking cheap ass gringo tacos? Let's face it, it's a goddamn chain taco joint and while the menu have Mexican words on it, at best it's Mexican't grub. But what really got me to come in and wait on this fucking line with all the other slobs was the tamales... Did you say tamales, lardass? When is the last time some chain Mexican't dump had tamales on the menu? Fucking never, that's when... It was all hook, line and sinker for me... Or will that be stinker? My bowels are already not happy with me being in here... Too bad mofo, I'm gonna shower y'all with a shitload of brown gruel and hot sauce... And my bowels will most likely return the favor within 30 minzies. Now, I'm kinda skeered...
Fuck it, I'm here already, just eat it quick and get home fast, you portly jizzlobber... I better grab some extra napkins just in case.
The Del Taco Trough of IBS (Irritable Bowel Sampler)... Jesus, what the fuck did I just do to myself? Let's take a closer look at the list- Mini Churro Dipper Shake, Chips and Queso (you can sub it out for the fries in a meal), the Del Taco taco, Tamales, Chicken Street Taco, and Beer Battered Fish Taco. I went for the most accessible item first like the obeast handicapped chode that I am... The Mini Churro Dipper Shake- Fuck, I gotta admit it was pretty tasty but when you're starving, the first thing you shovel into your snout usually taste good. That greasy ass bag of chips was pretty much your standard tortilla chip with the anticoagulant queso and watery salsa... I don't know if the chips was a better option than the fries, but I'm pretty sure I would rag on their fries, also... Unless there's chopped up hot dogs in there... Salchipapas, ese, ayayayayaya!
Alright, let's get to the main event... Tamale time!
Tamales, 2 for $4. Brodudo, for reals? This looks like a real fucking tamale. Unless that husk is made of polyester. I'm getting excited... About to pop a pant tent, better sit down, Pouch. But then my muffin top will pop out from under my shirt.
Holy shit! How the fuck... What da shit... I ain't saying this is authentico, but this specimen looks legit. Now, I'm getting aroused... El flujo de sangre, cabron!
OMG, mofos... I'm at full-mast, now... Boing. Not that anyone will notice since my pannus totally shades my mini glue gun. Maybe I should wrap that polyester husk around my Vienna sausage like a pigs in a blanket... Or was that my stubby finger. Seriously, though... This tamale was surprisingly decent for a fast food taco joint... Did I just say that out loud? The masa was not gummy and had a nice bite to it. The shredded pork filling is mixed with "fire roasted" salsa but c'mon, puh-lez, no one is dumb enough to light a match in a gringo taco joint... You know, because of all the methane. You can upgrade it with red and green sauce or cheesy chili... I stuck with their house sauces but they all pretty much sucked ass. Their hottest, the Del Inferno, sauce tasted like sriracha ketchup. Not spicy at all... Taco Bell sauce packets are better. Verdict- It is a totally serviceable tamale for a fast food joint... And 2 for $4 is a great deal. The Pouch actually liked something? Fuck me... Bend me over and call me Pouchita.
The Del Taco, crunchy. Eh, it's just a hard shell taco... But it is better executed than Taco Bell's retarded looking tacos. No one notices it because most people eat Taco Bell inebriated in the dark... Or maybe that's just me. The Del Taco mystery meat is barely seasoned, so, you have to squirt a bunch of hot sauce packets on there and by the time you're finished, you look down and there's a cesspool of greasy bloody meat juice all over your crotch... It looked like a honey badger just fallatio'd me. The taco is nothing special but if you're sober, this is the better option over Taco Bell.
Street Taco, chicken. It's real chicken and seasoned with something that may be Mexican't spices (they call it "roasted chile salsa") but they do stick with the classic onions and cilantro toppings... And they fucked me with the missing avocado and I ain't got time to wait in line for that mushy shit. It ain't a real street taco but we won't tell the crackers with the shit eatin' grins on their faces... Salud, gringos!
Beer Battered Fish Taco. Wait, do they have a liquor license? Because I could use some brown juice right about now. Let's see how they describe it... "Wild caught Alaska Pollock fillet in a crispy beer batter, topped with crunchy cabbage, savory secret sauce, and handmade pico de gallo, wrapped in two warm corn tortillas and served with a fresh-cut lime wedge." Ok, whatever you just said... But it looks like something my dog just regurgitated after getting into the garbage. It's my dog's secret sauce. The batter was soggy, the fish tasted like freezer burn and the secret sauce's role is to mask it all and lube your facehole so it goes down as quickly as possible so you don't notice the aftertaste as much. Ok, it wasn't that bad but I won't get it again, ever... Ok, maybe it was that bad. No amount of citrus can prevent scurvy with this specimen.
Beef Burrito. It looks more appealing than Taco Bell's meat burrito because it's wrapped up neatly but that's pretty much where it ends. Once, you open it to inspect the innards, you will wish you had never ordered it... But you have to open it like a hatchet wound to dress it with an ungodly amount of hot sauce to get it down or else it's like eating a used maxipad... I ain't into that but there are people on the dark web that will eat that shit up. Take this to your car and stick it in the glove box and go out drinking with your brodudes and you will thank me at 3AM with a treat on your way home. If you vomit or shit yourself, that's because you're a lightweight.
Del Taco is also offering Beyond Meat and other vegan items on the menu for an up charge... Why on god's green earth would anyone spend more money for fake meat at a chain taco joint... I guess the better question to ask is why the fuck would vegans go to a fast food taco joint. We all know that Beyond is fake meat but do we really know if Del Taco's beef is really made of real meat? It's probably wood pulp mixed in with their hot sauce because that beef burrito didn't taste anything like real meat... Suckaz!
The Pouch's adjudication: Leave the burrito, take the tamales.
