Fork in the Road... Again.

The Pouch is like a Honey Badger... It doesn't give a fuck what others think. It does what it wants, go where it wants and eat what it wants. If it wants to eat all fried shit for an entire day, it will do it without any remorse... Until the next day. Then I'm cursing myself and usually end up crying myself to sleep for being such a disgusting slob. I'm emotionally delicate like a flower... So, I fucking cry a lot, OK? You would be too if you had a repulsive misshaped Mexican muffin top... It looks like I have a dimpled ass poking out front from under my shirt... People even tried to wipe it because there was dirty lint in my belly button and thought it was an ass crack. So embarrassing... But what's more embarrassing is how much I eat when nature calls. The pouch goes on weird binges sometimes, well, more often than not... And it needs to satisfy that craving. Today, the pouch had a stressful day and needed some instant gratification... And it usually involves fwied cheekan. Let's go to the video tape...

Fried Clam Strip, tots. I have not had clam strips in so long, I'm talking years, decades since the last time I had them at HoJo's... Until I found this place. I still remember the first time I had them here and all the precious memories flooded in like a broken toilet. These clam strips totally reminded me of my childhood with visits to HoJo's during special occasions like graduating elementary school when I turned 12 or after a bris ceremony... It was a little weird eating these clam strips after the bris, they looked like fried fore... Nevermind. But that was ages ago, let's talk about the present with this little present to me. The clams strips are pretty large and the breading is ultra crispy and the strip inside is tender and juicy. I know they're prolly frozen from a brown bag, but it's still so damn good. I don't think I have ever seen anyone order this when I'm here except for me. I don't think the clam strip dinner is that popular in the south. For me, it's difficult to stop popping these beauties one after another into my piehole like a dolphin during a training session. This ginormous portion was the medium size portion, I will not dare to attempt the large order.

Shrimp Po'boy, fried onion strings. I have never tried the po'boy here, so it was about that time to do so... The presentation is a little weird where they lay the bread out flat and then build the fillers on top. They give you a lot of seasoned fried shrimp and they like to show it off to you. It's a long ass po'boy and it's a good deal. It was pretty tasty... But I just wished the bread was not all flattened out, I like a little puffiness to the bread on a po'boy. The fried onion strings are a special but you can sub it out which was really nice.

Fried Chicken. This is why I come here... For the made to order fried chicken and the 6 piece dark is always a must. It is a steal for $8.99 and I still don't know how the fuck they can get away with this... And I ain't gonna be one complaining to them about it. Keep making them at this price point and I'll keep shoveling them down my facehole. The skin is crispy and thinner than most other cheekan shacks and the meat inside is so juicy it runs down your arm. This is one of the best fried cheekan in town and they don't rape you six ways to Sunday for a tiny taste.

Cornbread Souffle. This is one of the best sides here... It's the size of a hub cap or a yarmulke for the elephant man. Just get it, trust da pouch.

Fried Okra. Sometimes, on a full moon, I get a hankering for these slimy fried witch clits... And on this visit these little fried okra nuggets were more tasty than a witch's titty.

I have no shame, it's kinda embarrassing with the staff bringing over dish after dish of fried food to my snout... Makes people do a double take. It even made the obeast red-no-neck family blush in the corner and they were like, how much fried shit can that fat fuck eat? The answer is... A plethora of fwied shit, el guapo. Oh yes, the pouch has a plethora.

4800 Briarcliff Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30345

Kaiser's Chophouse

Does this one horse town need another steakhouse? Obviously, we do... There are so many already and more and more are popping up every few months. The latest creation is Kaiser's Chophouse who partnered with Kevin Rathbun in the same Sandy Springs strip mall where Jinya is only a few doors down. Why would anyone put a fancy pants and pricey steakhouse in a strip mall in the same parking lot as Lowe's... It looks like no gives a shit in this bustling area of downstate Sandy Springs. There are so many damn eateries within a 5 block radius... Seriously, there is a shitload of restos around here, high brow and low brow vittles. The El Azteca is one of the most highly trafficked and repulsive resto in the area but they are slaying the pedestrians and their bowels on a daily basis. As for steakhouses, Ruth Chris dominated the area for like 20 some odd years right on Roswell Rd and 285 but relocated to Alpharetta a few years ago leaving the population around here to make the drive further up to LongHorn's or over to Joey D's, McKendrick's and Fleming's in traffic hell that is the perimeter. But have no fear upstate Atlanta sheeple, a new and shiny and pricey steakhouse is within a stone's throw from El Azteca. You would never know it on the outside but once you step inside you don't feel like you're in Sandy Springs anymore. It's quite fancy like at a steak joint you would find in Buckhead, along with that crowd, and you know you'll be laying down a pretty penny to eat some decent manmeat up in this piece. Let's go take a first look at this new chophouse that already has high expectations... Jesus, I already gained 4 pounds just by inhaling the fat aroma in here... Good thing is, that it won't show on the pouch, it can store lots and lots of stuff in there.

The focaccia bread was quite soft and tasty. The sesame cracker thinger (lavash-esque) was there so you have something to break apart while you wait for your drink. You can ask for more of that dericious bread but just don't over fill your pouch so early in the game... There's more morsels to be had...

Snake River Wagyu Eye of the Round Steak Tartar. Pretty much a standard presentation but the tartare itself was fresh, flavorful and had a wonderful bite and chew to it. It wasn't all mushy like most tartares, these were little dices of meat cubes. This was a very nice showing of a steak tartar. We're off to a good start.

Jumbo Lump Crab Cake, Grainy Mustard, Mizuna, Lemon. It's not a huge crab cake but sometimes the quality makes up for it and this was no exception. Nice crisp browning on the outside and the cake flaked apart with ease revealing the lumps of perfectly seasoned crab meat. The mustard sauce was great and the Japanese mustard greens paired well with the mustard sauce. Another good sampling so far...

Batter Fried Lobster Tail, 5 oz, (each) Thomy Mustard Sauce. Jesus, they were pitching this $17 tail big time, I felt like I was at the Bunny Ranch... So much pressure, but I can't say no to any piece of tail, especially, when it's battered and deep fried. And of course, anything fried tastes good.

Prime Cowboy Ribeye (Dry Aged), 20 oz. They teased me with the delicate piece of tail and now they are enticing me with this hulking manmeat of a specimen... My blood flow to my nether region was as red as this piece of beefsteak. I was popping a boner under the table almost half the size of that bone on the plate. Boing! I can't wait to shovel that Cowboy's manhood into my facegash...But first, let's take a closer look at it's virility.

Fanned out the slices to see the color... And they were spot on mid-rare. They also cut the meat off as close to the bone as possible and sliced it perfectly at about half inch thickness. For $80 or so, they better be executed properly. But how did it taste, pouch? Oh, don't worry, I was about to get to it... It tasted almost perfect. Most of the slices were really nice and tender... But a couple of pieces had some hard fat and gristle, not a deal breaker just an observation. The crisp charred bits on the outside added a nice flavor to it. It's still a very worthy specimen that can command this price point... And people around the room were paying for it, too. It's a lot of meat, you can definitely share this with two people.. Maybe 3 if the third person is a midget.

Seared Foie Gras. I got suckered in again like a chump... When there's foie gras on the menu, I gotta accompany it with a hunky piece of steak. It's like a Jimmy hat for this manmeat. It was seared nicely and it melted in your filthy mouth like uncoated M&M's.

Granny’s Creamed Corn. Ok, now this looks good and unhealthy... The bits of charring on the kernels, the herbs and loads of butter for that shiny finish. Yeah, it was good. Get it.

KC Spaetzle, Onions, Gruyere. I saw this on another table and it looked good but after a few bites I kinda lost interest... Not that it was bad, it was just kinda plain tasting and not seasoned enough. I saw a pic of it online and it had mushrooms in it or something, that woulda gave it a nice earthy smell and flavor to it but they said they never had shrooms in there. I replied, But if it's on the interwebs, it's gotta be true!

Lady Peas, Bacon. This was the veg special of the night and it sure was special... It was fresh, seasoned well, executed spot-on, toothsome and just plain dericious. This was a great side dish and good portion, too.

Bon Tons, strawberry cheesecake, salted caramel and "whopper" kinda like the malted milk balls. They were ok I guess, I don't really care about gimmicky sweets like this, shit, I don't really care about most desserts. But the kids and hookers will prolly enjoy this.

This place will do very well here since Ruth Chris disappeared after decades of dominance. The rich people around here don't want to drive to Buckhead or the perimeter for a fancypants steak dinnah... And god forbid, their house frau wives show their face at LongHorn carrying in designer shopping bags because they don't want to leave the goods with the valet, that's like a place for the po' folk. Kaiser's Chophouse will be a household name for people making $500k+ by the end of the year, but the $50k millionaires will pretend they're regulars here, too... Oh, and having Kevin Rathbun associated with them doesn't hurt, either... Which he was seen greeting people at the door when I came in. I'm like hi and bye, I got some manmeat and cock-tails to inhale, bro. It ain't cheap to eat here but if you save up for 3 months, it would be a nice little treat for yourself... Definitely, better than spending it on a ring on your future ex-wife who will eventually pawn it off to take a trip to Costa Rica with your pool boy. I say spend the money on some dericious manmeat with a hot hooker, instead. But 3 of them canceled on me and they all said the same thing, "Not today."... Funny, those are the same exact words the chicks in college used to say to me... Even the fugly ones. I just want to be loved, is that so wroooooong? I guess I'll be crying myself to sleep again, but at least I'll have a pouch full of manmeat to attack myself to tonight... In the dark.

Squirt.

5975 Roswell Rd
Sandy Springs, GA 30328
https://www.kaiserschophouse.com/

Old Hickory House

So, I was at the Target in Northlake where that nutjob skank shot a dude because of parking lot rage... Luckily, I left before I had a chance to take that bitch down like a bag of rusty hammers. I was already across the street to check out the new mall with Dick's, Sprouts, DSW, Ross and Hobby Lobby... It's crazy how much new shit they are building around this dumpy area, but it's getting nicer and nicer... Except for the rundown strip mall next to it... It's an absolutely hellhole. The motel next to it is fucking gross, the outside looks like the Bate's Motel or any spring break hotel in Panama City Beach. The entire structure of this shit brown mall is basically falling apart... But what's with all the cars parked at the end? What the fuck is going on in there... Wait, it's a fucking BBQ joint? Old Hickory House... Sounds like a goddamn children's song. Where's the old woman who lived in a shoe? Speaking of old shoes... This place looked and smelled like it. I didn't think this place was even still around... I think a long time ago they had a few of these dotted across Atlanta's landscape but I never had the desire to go in. I think this may be the last one standing since the Dunwoody location closed down a few years ago. Jesus, this place is so run down... I'm kinda skeered to go inside, I may need to go back to the car and pack some extra heat just in case if there were any rabiefied critters nesting in there. But since, this may be my last chance ever to put some "South in your mouth", I knew I had to take off the skirt and grow some hairy balls and just bite the bullet.
Opened the door and a giant whiff of hickory smoke hits me... I'm like WTF, could this be good? Then a bunch of old people started running out like a zombie herd... I'm like, fuck, this ain't a BBQ joint, it's a fucking crematory... Run, geezers, run! After the blue haired bandits bolted out to live another day, I was still curious about this place... So, I walked in against my better judgement. I was in awe of this musty, crusty, wood paneled old school joint that I just had to explore further. I did not want to sit at a table because I was scared of the children of the corn sitting back there in the dark. I went straight to the counter where there were lights above... At least I can see my death coming. I'm coming Elizabeth, this is the big one! Speaking of the big one... There was some type of large smoker or grill right behind the server station, you can barely see it but there is a good amount of smoke residue on the bricks above it. Seems to be a good sign and the smell of smoke made me feel a little bit more comfortable about ordering the meats, shit, basically anything in here.
The menu is pretty much your standard BBQ country joint and the staff here are lovely old country ladies with a twang. Nothing on the menu seemed to be ground breaking or anything that would start up some new trend that the millennials will blindly jump on. It's just plain old school country chow... And the patrons reflected the food being served here... Old school. But my one reader knows that I will risk life and muffin top for that one last meal and review... Let's go take a look before they die off like most of their patrons...

View from the front counter... What a beautiful view. Do y'all need me to prep any mise en place?

 

People Pleaser- Platter Combination of sliced BBQ pork, beef and extra meaty loin ribs with Brunswick stew and mac n cheese. Of course, I had to order the "sampler", there was no fucking way in hell that I would be coming back anytime soon to try different meats on each visit. It didn't look too bad when it came but that's because I was focused on the Brunswick stew and ignoring every thing else. Let's take a look at the sides first... Took a bite of the stew... Shit, this ain't that bad, it's actually pretty decent. It had a lot of texture in there and it was pretty meaty with a nice little tang to it but it needed lima beans to complete the circle. The mac n cheese was pretty much your average country hillbilly slop that can be gummed down and processed. I don't even know if that was real cheese but I did like that they still used old school elbow mac and not trying be all hipster BBQ using giant shells or rigatoni... But it didn't make it taste any better. Their one and only BBQ sauce is their own housemade version which was kinda tangy and vinegary, it's obviously used liberally in the Brunswick stew. Ok, now, it's time to take a look at the smoked meats... This is where I'm getting afraid... Afraid that I may become a cannibal unwittingly after eating this grey mass. Shit, human, dog, cat... It's all the same to the pouch, I ain't scared... While I'm wetting my underpants.

Up close and personal... Anyone got a vomit bag? Oh, wait, the PC liberal term is travel & motion sickness bag... Ok, whatever, douchebag. Look at the color of the meat... That is not natural unless it's in the morgue. Did this meat come from a retarded Okja? It smelled kinda smokey but there was no smoke ring anywhere to be found... But we all know that menthols usually doesn't produce a proper smoke ring, only a cool breeze... And all the meats were cold or room temp. I could not tell the difference between the pork and beef, so, I went for the ribs first. It didn't tear apart so I had to use a knife to cut off a rib which required more effort than it should have. The rib had some pink meat in there and it was edible... I use that term very lightly. If I was on Naked and Afraid, I would inhaled that, bone and all. But in a somewhat civilized society, this rib was pretty much sub-average. It wasn't a good rib and now, I'm terrified for what was to come next... I really don't want to eat furniture sliders or a petrified cow muffin. But I had to for my one fan... Let's just say that I rather eat out that old hag in the corner table than that dried out "sliced beef"... At least her meat flaps still had some circulation running through it for moisture. I'm still not confident that it was beef, but let's take a look at the "pork" carcass... Flipped it over and the meat was basically mummified. Shit, it kinda reminded me of King Tut's knee cap and it didn't look like a baby's face like on most chicks' knees. It was extremely dried out and soaking it in their house BBQ sauce did nothing to reanimate this mummy. This was some of the worst BBQ I have ever tasted that supposedly was smoked in house on premises... Who knows, maybe they gave me the dog scraps and thought I wouldn't know any better since I was an outlander in these here parts. But either way, this was absolutely putrid. I wouldn't even use this shit as bait, that would just be barbaric. How do these old hillbillies in here eat this shit with their wooden teeth?

The sampler also came with garlic bread... Which wasn't garlicky, it was just soaked in butter or old grease. Pretty much your standard old buttered toast... At least it was edible.

Country fried steak smothered in gravy, squash casserole, green beans. You can't go to an old school Southern joint without trying the country fwied steak.... But sweet Jesus, is that tempered semi-sweet chocolate on top or mole? I  have never seen a shade of gravy like that in my entire miserable existence until now. What the fuck is that made of... Recycled 10W-30 mixed with power steering fluid? Christ, no wonder why these mossbacks are all inbred looking. I'm not even touching that specimen yet... The green beans at least resembled something that came from a can. And it was ok tasting, not that I would ever get it again but it was edible. The squash casserole was just all mush, it coulda been chitlins mixed with a can of creamed corn and none would be the wiser. Goddamn it, I ran out of things to stick at with my fork and now I must try the CFS... Cut a small piece with as little mole as possible... Took a bite... Meh, it was all breading and barely any meat. It coulda been floured hockey pucks for all I know. If it looks like a plate of Train Spotting then it can't be too far off from the taste of it. 

Corn Bread Muffins. The CFS came with these things that looked like old round screw in plug fuses from the 50's. Maybe I will find Jimmy Hoffa's fingers in there. Just like everything else in here, they were nothing special. Maybe you can use them to plug your ears from the screams of the dogs being slaughtered in the back.
 

Banana Pudding. Fuck, I am just a glutton for punishment... Keyword being glutton. Look at this fucking creasture... Where did they scoop this slop up from... A fat bucket from a back alley lipo surgeon? One bite and into the trash it went... I don't think raccoons will even dig this out.

How the fuck did this place last for so long? Their demographics are mostly extinct. There's no fucking way anyone is coming here for the food and paying for it. I got suckered in once again and curiosity killed the pouch... I was shitting bricks for a day. No wonder why all the other locations have closed down... This is the last remaining location and with all the new developments being built around here, it will only be a matter of time before this low rent strip mall gets torn down... Along with this dumpy BBQ joint. So, get your filthy facehole filled while they're still breathing... There's an empty stool at the counter just for my one reader. Speaking of stool... I feel Mr. Hanky knocking on my back door again.

Flush.

2202 Northlake Pkwy
Tucker, GA 30084

Kabab Express

The Patel Brothers strip mall was pretty dumpy for a long time but it has recently gone through a nice update and refresh... They needed it fast because of all the new developments going up all around this area. There's no way in hell they would have been able to compete with all the new and shiny shops that have popped up within a stone's throw away. The strip malls' refresh is now cleaner and more welcoming to the roundeyes who may have been scared to check out one of the many eateries up in this piece... Maybe that's why they all go to Zyka because it's non-threatening with it's cafeteria style service. Zyka is ok for what it is but sometimes you get a bad case of the shits... I'm talking about endless wiping. I like most of the eateries in this mall but you also have to pick and choose your battle to avoid the Hershey squirts... Ok, you got Marsala, Chinese Dhaba, Thali, Bhaji Pav, Chat Patti, Gokul Sweets, Royal Sweets and Tava Bistro is the fancy pants Indian joint but I'm still partial to the semi-fast food joints that pump out pretty damn decent Indian street grub on the cheap. The goddamn vada pavs are addictive at most of these joints. I like that Tava Bistro have fresh lamb brains, too, which are pretty damn tasty. But the new kid on the block in this strip mall is the Kabab Express, they have been around for about half a year and it looks like they are doing a pretty good job at staying in business... That's a good sign that the food doesn't suck that much. Time to put them to the test and see if the iron pouch can stomach what they are slinging or else I'll be needing endless TP and baby wipes.
The joint is not big by any means but there's enough seating and tables for a pretty decent crowd. It was pretty quiet when I went in on a Friday night. Checked out the cleanliness of the joint and it was pretty clean overall... Ok, I'm game to order some kibble up in this piece. Let's take a gander...

Chicken 65, boneless meat marinated with ginger, garlic, eggs & other spices and Battered and Fried. This is not the deep fried crusty version and it was better for it. It was almost wet... I think they flash fried and then sauced it, but the "sauce" stuck on the pieces very well and they tasted fucking awesome... I don't think I want to eat the old boring version after this. It was also a huge portion and not chintzy like most of the other Indo-Pak joints. I also like the curry leaves with cilantro and the lime wedge gives it that little extra sumtin' sumtin'. Great start so far... But I ain't holding my breath either.

Vegetable Biryani, vegetable and soya chunks cooked with special seasoning with basmati rice. I just overloaded on chicken 65 and didn't want any meat on here so I got the veggie biryani which I actually prefer because you get to taste the true biryani without any meat distractions. It was also another huge portion and I fucking loved it as well... It was flavorful with a hint of spiciness and the soya chunks give it that little texture beside just all rice. What the fuck is going on up in this piece? How the fuck is the pouch not shitting on them before they make me shit myself... It's like fucking Bizarro World in here. Next!

Lamb Sheekh Kabab with basmati rice and salad. Supposedly, available only on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It's a nice looking plate but how can you not laugh at the two dong kababs... I was thinking they're gonna come out the other end looking exactly the same way it went in. Talk about recycling and sustainability. The lamb was not gamey at all, it was full of spices and seasoned spot on... It was plastic fork tender and you could break it apart with ease. The rice looked like a biryani but it wasn't seasoned like the biryani, it's more plain tasting but the basmati rice was still very colorful. The raw sliced onions paired well with the lamb and the vibrant side salad gave it more color to the overall plate. I was gonna just get the regular beef sheekh kabab (next time) but I'm glad I went with the lamb instead... It was very good. It may look like two giant turds but even Mr. Hanky will love this. Jesus, how are they 3 for 3 right now? Baffling... Next...

Butter Chicken. The classic dish that all the roundeyes adore and love because it's non-threatening and not super spicy either. The big chunks of yogurt spiced marinated chicken were seasoned well but they were not cooked in the buttery curry gravy... They just added it into the gravy. Yet it still worked out nicely. Mix it in with the basmati rice and it's a nice little pouch filler. It was pretty tasty overall but this prolly won't come up again until I have sampled a few of their other dishes first.

Basmati Rice. Simple, fresh and colorful... Perfect to soak up all the butter chicken juice.

Plain Naan. This also came with the butter chicken which was nice. I liked how it was flatter than most naans with charred pops of blisters randomly. It was hot, easily tearable, had a nice chew to it and soaked up the butter curry gravy brilliantly. The butter chicken dish was basically a full meal for a normal person... But the pouch is not normal are we? I need more and more to fill the void that is my pouch. Ghee, that sounds kinda pathetic... I know what I'll be doing tonight. It involves crying, self loathing, sleeping, loneliness... And farting endlessly in the dark. But that can wait til later... Let's try one more thing before I cane myself.

Garlic Naan. If it's on the menu, the pouch gotta order it... Every joint does their own version of the garlic naan. There's more shitty versions than good ones so finding a Indo joint that makes a decent one is quite challenging... This version was pretty damn good. It was flat and covered in garlic paste and bits all over. The bottom was golden brown and crispy. This garlic naan is a keeper.

This little family run Indo-Pak joint was a pleasant surprise... The food was well prepared, freshly made and most importantly not greasy as fuck. The ingredients and execution was spot-on on this visit. Nothing I sampled had a misstep in taste, temp or proper portion size... It could be a little bit more spicy on certain dishes but it was totally acceptable. It's obvious that I like this place and I will definitely be coming back here to sample all their other goodies on the menu... Except for the fucking mango lassi. That shit still gives me nightmares with Mirza at Panahar forcing his mango lassi on me relentlessly. No, I don't want to drink your thick ass, dick stirred lassi, bro. 

1711 Church St.
Decatur, GA 30033

Lan Zhou Ramen Re-Revisit

Holy Fat Albert... I really out did my disgusting rotund self this time... I promised my one reader that I will eat everything on this menu and I never lie when it comes to food... Especially, dericious hand made grub. There's no mystery that I fucking fell in love with this place right after I put the cook's toothsome noodle in my mouth and swallowed it all... And I didn't even use my teeth, it slid down my facehole naturally just like how skillfully Seka inhaled many a hogs in her day with ease. Now, this fat fuck is back with a mission or a vengeance, depending on the pouch's mood today... We all know this is the new hot spot for some sick ass hand made knife sliced noodles... And every FOB and gwailo is fucking jumping aboard on this noodle boat and packing the joint. Sometimes, the non-adventurous tourists in here get so annoying asking for fried rice that I wanna karate chop them like Ms. Piggy... Hiyaaaaa! There's not much else to say about this joint that I haven't already said in my other reviews before... So, let's get a chomping and a slurping because there's a ton of grub to be eaten tonight. Go big or go back to China... As I always say, wait, I just made that shit up...

Sliced Beef and Ox Tripe in Chili Sauce. This batch was top notch and better than any previous visits. It's a hefty mound of tripe and tendon in a chili sauce that could be spicier but you can just amp it up with the chili sauces on the table to whatever heat level you like. This shit is just plain tasty as fuck.

Shranghai Pan Fried Pork Buns. Look at this motherfucker... It's a thing of beauty and they taste even better. I absolutely love these things and no one in this one horse town is doing anything close to this. A must get every time.

Fried Chive Cake. Same thing as scallion pancake and these were good but maybe just a tad bit over pan fried... A bit too crispy and dried out on their own.. But if you dip it in the soup broth, that shit is good. They were slammed on this visit so I assume they were doing a million other things in the kitchen and let these go for a tad bit longer than they should have. But still worthy, though.

Kaifeng Steamed Soup Dumps. The first few times I got these, they were excellent... On this visit they were just ok, none of them were that soupy like I remembered. Still tasted good but it ain't a soup dump without soup inside. I would be wary on getting them again if the place is slammed... Or come real early before the crazy crowds so they can prepare these properly.

Fried Cucumber with Black Fungus. This was new dish to try... And damn was it tasty. That garlicky sauce was amazing, I just started spooning that shit into my facehole... I kinda wanted to get a bowl of rice to soak the rest of the sauce in but I didn't because I knew I needed the pouch space for the battle yet to come.

Chinese Style Spicy Chicken. I thought these would be lightly battered and deep fried but they were basically stir fried/dry fried with a decent amount of chili peppers and Szechuan peppercorns. It's not that spicy but it had a nice little tingle on the tongue... Just amp it up, yo!

Knife Sliced Noodle with Oxtail. This was on the top of my list to try the next time I was in... And it didn't disappoint. Chunky bones but there were a ton of tender cooked down meat within all the nooks and crannies of them oxtail bones. The knife sliced noodles were spot on as usual- ribbons of firm but yet chewy glutenous hand stretched dough. The broth is the same for all their noodle bowls and it was even better this time around.. Full of flavor and makes you wanna suck down every drop.

Knife Sliced Noodle with Beef Tendon. The tendons on this visit was on top of their game.. They were chunky and cooked through nicely. Tender and gelatinous but toothy at the same time. So damn good.

Hond Pulled Noodles with Beef Belly. Alright, I had to get a regular hand pulled noodle bowl... Which works better with the thick chunks of beef belly... And they were tender as fuck. They just melt in your mouth and then slurp it up with some thin pulled noodles. This is a very good bowl.

Knife sliced noodles with beef. This is basically their version of beef chowfun... They really don't have a dry or wet style... Shit, they didn't even know what the fuck beef chowfun was when I asked them. I asked them to do a wet style since I asked for the dry style last time. They said ok, no problem, this will have a little sauce... Little sauce my ass. It's just the oil they wok this shit in. But I gotta tell ya... Their version of beef chowfun was pretty damn tasty. The slices of beef had a different texture, they almost tasted like it was pre-cooked, packed and cooled down and then sliced and added to the noodles in the last couple of minutes of cooking. The had similar characteristics of the sliced beef and ox tripe small plate. Does this version of beef chowfun hold a candle to the Cantonese beef chowfun? Fuck no... But it will do when I'm here for their sliced noodle bowls.

Knife sliced noodles with tendon. Had to get this also for shits and giggles because their tendon on this day was too fucking good to pass up in another dish. Mostly the same as the beef noodles above but they also added in black fungus with the sick ass tendons.

Sweet baby Jesus, what did I just do? The fucking Coneheads ain't got nothin' on me! But I must stop consuming mass quantities... It ain't good for my girlish figure. The Pouch really over did it this time... And the staff was egging me to order more. Asking me if I had ever tried this or that on the menu... Of course, I can't say no that's why I had so many goddamn bowls of noodle soup in front of my fat snout. These fuckers are the devil, they tempt you with your deepest dreams and desires... But these demonic dickheads sure do know how to pull a proper noodle. That knife sliced face slut, Regan, never had it this good... All she got was rancid pea soup vomit. Fuck her... Wait, I take that back, her mom licked her bloody gash. No knife sliced noodle soup for you! 

5231 Buford Hwy NE
Doraville, GA 30340

Buckhead Diner

I haven't been here in many many moons... It's just one of those restos with a never changing menu that is there for the tourists and the old school blue hair crowd which their herd seems to be getting thinner and thinner these days. This resto group is one the most successful in Buckhead and they take a major share of the expense account checks. If you ain't paying why wouldn't you wanna go to Chops or Lobster Bar... Just order it, baybee!
So, I was in god awful Buckhead to take care of some biznaz and I didn't want to deal with the Friday rush hour traffic.. It was too late for lunch and too early for a real dinner. I was basically in blue hair early bird special territory but I said fuck it, I can just have an early pre-dinner snack. I promised the pouch that I will not order more than 3 dishes or else it's a meal then with 4 or more dishes. The nice thing about coming here really early before the big dinner rush is that you get your pick of the table and the food gets prepared just a bit better. And it makes all the difference in taste and presentation... But I really don't know because I would never come here during the major dinner rush, it's a full blown shit show by then. I looked at the menu and nothing, absolutely nothing interested me... It was the same old same old Buckhead Diner menu that hasn't changed in ages. Jesus, this old couple a few tables over had to be at least in their mid 70's was talking about how they loved the same dish they ate when they were teenagers. My question was how the fuck did they live this long eating this stuff for 60 years. The server comes over and rattles off the specials... It was going in one waxy ear and out the other until she said soft shell crab... What? Come again... The fish of the day was a soft shell crab sando. Fucking done and done, son. I hate ordering just one dish because it makes me feel like a such a loser eating alone... Ordering a few dishes make it feel like a party, like I'm with people who like me. Since, nothing on the menu was crying out to be eaten on the meat side, I kinda swayed towards the seafood side since I didn't want to eat anything too heavy before my real dinner later on. Fish is always a light meal. I had to shoo away the server like 3 times because I couldn't decide... But this visit will be an all seafood snack. Shit, it seems like I'm always on a seafood diet... When I see food, I fucking eat it. Let's go to the video tape...

Bread. The mini corn muffins were pretty decent and the bread logs were a bit tough and chewy... Not expecting anything fancy on the free bread but do they really need to continue on with this added expense? Just get rid of it because they throw out so many of these things anyways...

Our Famous Peartini, Grey Goose Pear Vodka, Amaretto, Sweet & Sour, Sugar Rim. It's kinda embarrassing to even tell people I ordered this but I did and I drank it... If you're about to go into a diabetic seizure, drink like 3 of these things and you'll be fine because they are was so fucking sweet. I will not be ordering this thing ever again... I got a beer next.

Jumbo Lump Crab Cake, grainy lemon mustard butter, vinegar chips. What a piece of art this was... Two chips on top of a crab cake, hiding all it's glory. The chips were cut length wise so that was kinda cool and it tasted average... But the crab cake itself, while on the smaller end, was lumpy, seasoned properly and had a nice crispy sear on it. Not a bad crab cake at all. I would get it again... Maybe even when I'm in my mid 70's and tell the young whipper snappers all about it back in the days.

Beer Battered New England Cod, french fries, tartar sauce, malt vinegar. I never had their fish and chips... But it was a very plump portion. The batter was golden brown and crispy but it wasn't covered all the way around, it had some bare spots. Not a big deal but you would expect it to be fully coated in this joint. It was a pretty good fried fish, overall... The chips, well, they were just plain old brown bag fries.

Soft Shell Crab "lightly fried", shallot-dill mayo, bibb lettuce, tomato, butter toasted egg bun, HM chip. The main event finally arrived... And it looked glorious! This was totally worth the 15 bucks or so... The whole fried soft shell crab was crispy, moist and tasted great. Put it all together in sando formation and it's a hefty snack. This time they gave you more than two home made chips, but it tasted better than the ones used on the crab cake for some reason, so fucking weird. Maybe the other ones were from yesterday's batch that they had to use up. I was just lucky to be at the right place and at the right time with this soft shell crab special. This was good and I would definitely get it again.

Buckhead Diner is an oldie but a goodie for the pedestrians. I don't come here much because the menu never changes and I find most dishes boring as fuck here but sometimes you just have to see what they're up to after such a long hiatus from this resto group. Maybe I was just lucky this time around with getting all seafood dishes at this joint and they all turned out pretty decent... But that soft shell crab sando made this visit a lot better than it really should have. I know everyone has been here a gazillion times and knows that the food is totally acceptable and don't need the pouch to say it so... Nevermind the pouch and move along... Move along... Like the cattle that they are... Wait a minzie, I'm just as fat as all these other fuckers in here... Christ, time to cry myself to sleep again tonight...

Oink oink...

3073 Piedmont Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30305
https://buckheadrestaurants.com/restaurant/buckhead-diner/

CO Restaurant

I don't know why all these Charleston resto groups are opening up in Atlanta... They have a niche in Charleston but somehow it just ain't jiving with this town's sheeple... Or maybe it's just me. I thought Sean Brock's Minero was just ok but the roundeyes seem to like it enough, shit, there isn't a taco that they don't like. Callies Hot Little Biscuit turned out to be a dud, just forgettable bland biscuits but there was one little unforgettable hottie working there that I wouldn't mind spreading my butter on her shaved biscuit... I was too skeered to ask for her digits because I was retaining water and pizza that day, I'm sure she's not working there anymore with her talent... I should check Cheetah or Tattletales. O-Ku looks fancy and all but the overpriced sushi was just average and the mural with the slope on a scooter was an authentic touch to the decor... He looked like he just rode that scooter from the Hanoi Hilton to Mt. Midoriyama to compete on American Ninja Warrior. It had absolutely nothing to do with Japanese cuisine. Now, comes another Charleston transplant with another Asian theme... CO which supposedly translates to "feast". I love gimmicky names, they usually turn out so good...
So, they decided to anchor the opposite corner of Rize Artisan Pizza at the new 675 N. Highland complex... Which we all know that Rize is always dead as fuck in there no matter what time or day it was. It wasn't god awful but there's no fucking way I would go back just for the decent wings I had on my visit when everything else was just extremely middling. I kinda thought the pedestrians woulda gobble that slop up but I guess this area is still just too local hipster for that crowd they're looking for. But enough of that fake 'ZA, let's check out this new Asian joint which has a cesspool of a menu that encompasses almost every Asian cuisine (Vietnamese, Japanese, Thai, Chinese, Malaysian, Korean, Hawaiian, shit, the only thing missing is Indian, Taiwanese, Nepalese, Cambodian and Filipino but there's always room for improvements) and even a touch of Mexican't. Reading this menu gave me a headache and a pouchache from the interloping of different and clashing flavors and ingredients. But shit, that has never stopped the pouch from spearheading the first look of any resto for my one reader... They have been opened for a couple of weeks or so and for a brand new resto right in town to not be jamming for the first couple of months is a bad sign of what's to come... Will they contract the Scoutmob curse that Rize has caught? Let's go take a looksies and see if they will prove me wrong... 

At least they got their liquor license... Or else I woulda ran across the street to Righteous Room. This California made sake was decent enough to keep me in the seat and not walk out after I saw the menu.

Boba Thai Tea with bursting passion fruit boba. It had the color but the taste was so watered down, it was so weak and disgusting... Made me think I was drinking the dripping pipe water under my sink coming from the insinkerator. Those bursting boba tasted like freshly laid bullfrog eggs when they pop inside your dirty face hole. Skip it.

Fresh summer rolls, shrimp, pork, rice vermicelli, bean sprouts, mint, cilantro, served with hoisin peanut sauce & nuoc cham. I guess these were ok, nothing really special about them and I wasn't expecting them to be but I had to try it for some reason... Slutty Thai apps have a way about them. The peanut sauce was this weird sweet brown sauce with chopped up bits of peanuts and the nuoc cham was watery and didn't have that kick from the fish sauce.
 

Korean rice bowl marinated wok steak, sunny side egg, kimchi, sprouts, edamame, cucumber, pickled carrots, served over jasmine rice with sweet & spicy gochujang sauce. One would think that with all that stuff in that bowl it would have amazing flavors after mixing it all up... But no dice. Spent like 8 minzies mixing that thing up to a perfect pink gooey mess and turned out absolutely flavorless. It had all the ingredients to be a tasty bowl of bibimbap but it was more played out than MMMbop. You would think the spicy gochujang sauce would give me some heat in my heart since I have never known the warmth of a woman's touch. Looks like I'll be crying myself asleep alone tonight, again.

Masa Ramen. This is basically their version of a tonkotsu ramen and it looks like it's only available on the Atlanta menu... And of course, I fell for it hook line and stinker, again. The broth looked creamy and fatty but it was pretty much watery and bland. The noodles were a bit overcooked and mushy. The thin flappy skin like slices of pork tasted like it was boiled in battery acid because it lacked color and flavor... Kinda reminded me of the loose skin on the bad guy in RoboCop who drove into the toxic waste tank... Mmm, so mouth watering. The nori, scallions, sprouts and corn gave it more added value to this bowl but it really didn't do much to alter the overall flavor of this noodle bowl. It showed well on first looks but the taste was weak as shit. Maybe I should have just stuck with their popular curry laksa, instead... Not gonna say it's authentic but at least I know what to expect.

Banh Mi five spice pork belly szechuan pepper, cinnamon, star anise, cloves, cardamom. It looked pretty decent on first glance but once you start to inspect it your excitement start to diminish with each passing minute. While it looked freshly baked, the bread was chewy and hard to pull apart. The veggie filler looked good but they were not pickled enough. Let's take a closer look at the pork belly...

Cross section of the belly... I don't see any fat on that belly or any color/grilling/charring on the outside. Jesus, did they sous "acid bath" vide this, too? There was barely a hint of five spice and the pork slab itself was tough and chewy... Add in the hard to pull apart bread and you're wishing for a jar of Poligrip. Seriously, switch it out for a nice thick slice of grilled SPAM and it would taste 10 times better. You can be easily fooled by the good looks of this banh mi in the light but once you take a bite, you're wishing they had the Clapper to turn off the lights... So, you can at least walk outta there without the shame. That Asian slaw thinger in that urine sample container tasted like sun dried cabbage tossed in Elmer's glue... Why anyone would pay $10 for any banh mi on the menu is just quite perplexing. 

It's always dead as fuck in here on a Friday and Saturday night, just like their opposite end neighbor, Rize. It's like the Bermuda triangle in this building... With the old Flip Burger space across the street as the 3rd point. We may have just found the next cursed location. Why this Charelston resto group decided that Atlanta would be a good fit is beyond me, maybe they were just following all the other restos opening intown like a sheep. The Asian cuisine here is so gringorized, no focus, no technique, just throw a bunch of Asian sounding dishes on there and they will come... There's even tacos on the menu and not one roundeye is even buying into that noise. The bar looks pretty nice and decent but they don't stay open late enough for people to actually hang around for drinks. These new to the area concepts and chains are just old news these days when the spoiled and entitled millennials constantly demand new and shinier things every other week. They really should have done their research and demographics for their food concepts because CO really belongs in OTP... At least Rize was smart enough to open their other location in upstate Atlanta... Sandy Springs is more both their speed. I would not be surprised if Rize closes their original location here in the near future... Wait, they're on Scoutmob, nevermind, it's a given. As for CO, I wish them nothing but the best and hopefully they can CO-exist with Rize, not that they are in competition or anything, they are just basically fighting for their own survival to exist... My mama told me once that if I ain't got nothing nice to say, don't say it at all... Oops, too late, mamapouch. I guess she doesn't read the Lipz that often.

675 North Highland Avenue NE
Atlanta, GA 30306
https://www.eatatco.com/?loc=atlanta