Luqma

This Indo-Pak mashup joint has been here for what seems like forever. Ok, maybe not forever since I remember eating at the Long Dong Silver's that was there before it. I have been here a handful of times over the years. It's pretty cheap and filling and I enjoyed it mostly from what I remembered... Except for that time it gave me an epic bout of IBS. Well, drinking hard liquor and eating curry isn't exactly what the doctor ordered when you're sick, so it may have been my fault but prolly not. It's been years since I have been back, looks like now is the time for the pouch to make a revisit. I hope they are still using the non-environmentally friendly styrofoam china.
Walked in and bam! The huge pile of styrofoam cups and plates are stacked 10 onions high, almost touching the ceiling. I hope the grub hasn't changed, either... I opted for take out in hopes that they won't be using the styrofoam. Good move, pouch, they used aluminum foil and plastic containers, instead. Class all the way. Let's see how the grub has stood up the past few years...

SAMOSA, chicken. Crispy and small. Minced chicken bits inside had sawdust like consistency, not much flavor. At least it was really crispy.

CHICKEN 65. Boneless chunks of chicken marinated in garlic, ginger and other mild seasonings, then batter fried  and topped with green chilies, cilantro and curry leaves.

Everyone lurvs these little red cheekan nuggets. They are not spicy at all but I kept popping them in my facehole. The jalapeno, err, I mean green chilies were exceptionally mild in flavor. That little sauce bucket was just something there to dip your chicken balls into.

CHARGA. Seasoned half chicken fried in vegetable oil.
Fried? I don't quite think so but at least it was really a whole half cheekan... Well, a really small half pigeon. Charga? I don't think so. It's more of a tandoori chicken based on the vibrant red color from the spices and food dye. A tandoori chicken is not always necessarily red, more of an orange color instead, but most Americans associate the red with tandoori. This fake charga fried chicken was pretty dry and lacked the crackling skin from what I assume has been sitting around for a long bit of time... Like some many specimens of tandoori chicken around town. I have yet to eat a really moist, juicy and flavorful tandoori chicken in this town. This charga was a total let down. I was really excited to get me some real charga but got a bone up my ass instead.

NEHARI (Luqma's Special)?????? Generous portion of boneless beef cooked in a mix of herbs and spices until it is fork tender. 
This is really what the menu says. I love how they second guess themselves, is it our special or someone else's? We don't know but just to be on the safe side we'll put a bunch of question marks after it. Generous portion is not exactly the word I would use. It's like looking into the toilet bowl in Trainspotting. It was like 2 pieces of meat noodling for catfish in that muddy river water. Good luck finding them in that cesspool. Once found, the meat cubes were fork tender as advertised but the curry needed more herbs and spices... And heat. 

BAGARE BAINGAN????? Eggplant cooked in savory blend of freshly ground spices. 
Is it eggplant or a poblano pepper... That's the fun part of eating this dish or any other in this place. You just don't know what's in your facehole until it's too late. Luckily, this was eggplant and a decent amount of it. This was not spicy at all, even though the oil slick looks otherwise. Come to think of it, this didn't have much flavor at all, it was all oil and mushy texture. If you eat all of this in one sitting, you'll most likely be sitting the rest of the night on the throne. Oil goes in quick but comes out of your system like molasses.

NAAN???????????? Leavened fine flour bread soft and fluffy cooked in clay oven. 
Could have gluten in it or not... Try your luck. If you swell up like Violet Beauregarde, then you will know the answer. The naan was ok, nothing special, had a nice pull and not too chewy. But does it really matter since you'll be sopping up the curry juice with this bread towel... It will do the job. I wish it would also wipe your ass on the way out an hour later.

I don't know, maybe taking this food home was not the desired setting to eat this Indo-Pak cuisine... Maybe it needs to be served on styrofoam plates to bring out the aroma and flavors of the dish... I have heard that closed-cell extruded polystyrene foam does give ethnic foods a certain je ne sais quoi quality to it. The food was just average at best but the saffron basmati rice I made at home was killer. I guess it will be another couple of years before I head back here. Flush.


1706 Church St.
Decatur, GA 30033
404-477-1400
http://www.luqma.com/

Chow Mei Mei

The pouch was doing some recon in the area and had a hankering to fill it's abyss... It was in the mood for some slutty Asian. Since, Bangkok was a long drive's away, it will have to settle for this. This strip mall is like in limbo, it has a handful of restos and shops but the only real winner here is General Muir. The other places aren't really all that, they're mostly half-breed chains with mediocre food and even worse cocktails. The wannabe fancy pants La Tagliatella didn't last long with their very uneventful food and pricier menu.
Maybe it's just the area, the students aren't exactly your target demographics for higher priced dining establishments. But there are places that do cater more towards the students like the burger joint, Indian joint and now this Asian fusion... Rut roh, there's that word again... Fusion. Every time I hear that word it reminds me of Doc just shoveling garbage into the DMC-12 Mr. Fusion... Time to do the same to the pouch. Will it blender or will it barf... I hope I don't have to go back to the future after eating this. I don't even what that means but it can't be good.

Roti Canai. My sides were hurting from laughing when this came out. I'm like that's the fucking frozen scallion pancakes you get at the Asian markets. Don't get me wrong, they are pretty damn good to make at home but in a resto setting, I may be expecting too much from them. The cold curry was like Aunt Jemima syrup but it's just the Vermont curry block packs found in the Asian market as well. I don't know if they put a bottle of Karo in it but it was incredibly sweet and inedible. Nothing like a little HFCS for your IBS. Also, no bone-in chicken bits was present in the curry which is a must. 

Chicken Coconut Soup. It wasn't horrible but this ain't love at first sight. The assumed chili oil Valdez on top didn't exactly say appetizing. Once you get past that oil leak or mix it in as much as possible, the soup is pretty much what you expect... Very Americanized, sweet and not very flavorful. The chicken slices were bright white and tender at least.

Pad Thai with Tofu. I expected worse. This wasn't half bad... Once you ask for limes to mix in. I guess you really can't expect authenticity in a place like this near a college. For what it's worth, this would be a great hangover food.

Panang Curry with Chicken. Asked for Thai hot... C'mon, y'all know the answer to that. Mild level came out... So, I drowned it in Sriracha. It's not Thai, not even close but it was a decent stir fry with orange sauce. Is that jasmine rice... Stop it, wake up you're dreaming again. At least it was cook to order, somewhat.

General Tso's Cheekan. So, I went for round two and got some take out which begs for the General after a night of boozery... Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Yeah, I know now... But I can't fix stupid. As you can guess, it's your run of the mill mall food court style slop. Over breaded chicken pieces from Panda Express and pretty weak watery but yet sticky bland sauce coating. At least the veggies were kinda fresh.

Pad See Ew. I don't see ew any flavor to this... It's just some veggies, wide rice noodles all stuck together and chicken with a splash of lite fake soy sauce. C'mon, I could do this at home in a mixing bowl. This was pretty sad overall... Not much to say, just look at the pic. Poor fella.

Fusion is a tough business to be in, not all Asian grub is created equal or can be executed by the same cook... I give the mom and pop props for busting their ass back in the really nice and shiny kitchen but the grub isn't all that compelling to warrant a third visit unless someone gets me really fucking tanked... By then I would probably say yes to a horny St. Bernard in giving me a proper Rogering. I mean, you really have to plan to come this area, like the General Muir is a destination.. This place is more of a "oh, look, a Chino joint, let's stop and get something to go because I'm starving and have no time to sit down and eat" kinda place. I hope they make it with the limited traffic in that area because they are pretty nice people but y'all know how that story will end. Come to think of it, maybe a DeLorean time machine isn't such a bad idea...

1540 Avenue Pl.
Atlanta, GA 30329
404-486-8788
http://chowmeimei.com/ 

Superica

Krog Street Market has proven that ATL wants a hipster food court. But at the same time they can't be too advant garde with the food trends, there's gotta be some give and take and something for the pedestrians that they're familiar with... And Mexican't grub is what they grew up with but in this case it's Mex-Tex or as the pouch calls it, Mex't-Tex. Since the doors opened, every Biff and Buffy has been piling into this joint faster than a family of eight from Tijuana into a one bedroom apartment. I laughed at the 3 hour wait a couple of weeks ago... Yeah, I said a 3 hour wait in this area which was desolate 2 months ago. What is the fascination with Mexican't grub and the pale ones? Why do they love it so much and how can they eat it on a daily basis? Let's take a journey into the lion's den to find out why the entitled millenials and scene whores are such suckaz for some hard tacos, carne asada and fajeetaz...

Chips and Salsa. Standard filler. This place is dark, thank goodness the flashlight app was put into good use throughout the joint. Seriously, look around and everyone is using the flashlight app. The green salsa was not spicier than the red as told, if you were color blind you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Hell, it was so dark in here even a blind man couldn't tell the difference.

Hot Tamales, ancho chili pork, escabeche, mole poblano. Three decent size tamales stuffed with the ancho chile pork bits, the masa could be firmer because they break apart a bit too easily due to not steaming long enough or not enough shortening or reserved liquid in the dough mix. The flavor was not bad, I prefer it to be spicier which was not at all but most people would think they are spicy because of the words "ancho chili". Dried poblano chiles are smoky and a bit sweet and their heat level is very very low like a green pepper. The mole had hints of chocolate but also had a bitter finish which I wonder if they used ancho chiles that they burnt by mistake for the powder in the mole (if this was indeed made in house). The mole had good consistency but the flavors were a bit muted by the bitter finish. This may have been a bad batch, who knows... Taste, taste, taste. But this ain't classical French cooking so who's really gonna notice a bad batch of mole in this crowd? They're more worried about their friend's outfit is cuter than theirs. The escabeche would be better served in cooking with the pork than a side dish. Overall, it's a good effort that needs more work but do you think their targeted demographics really know a good tamale when they had one... Look around, I'm pretty sure it's a 97% no.

Tacos Al Pastor, pork belly, corn tortillas, grilled pineapple pico de gallo. Is pork belly making a come back? If so, where's the comeback sauce? Al pastor is usually with pork shoulder but I guess KSM is too hip for that and needed to bring the ultra cool pork belly back in to the fold. Hell, cubes of pork belly is a lot easier to cook than an authentic al pastor with thin slices of roasted marinaded pork shoulder. The pineapple pico de gallo lends some traditional touch to it which gave it a nice bump in overall flavor. The grilled corn tortillas held up nicely but the filler wasn't really that wet to break it down. I like pork belly (who doesn't?) but it's not an al pastor, it's just a pork belly taco.

Chili Relleno, corn, mushrooms and chihuahua cheese. This is my lemon test for a Mexican (Mex-Tex) joint and I so do adore a proper "chile relleno". Looks kinda like my erupting volcano science project back in the 8th grade... I lurv it already. But will my bowels survive the magma? First thing to look for, the stem, can't believe I even found it under that mess, good sign, though. Cut this skanky bitch in half to see the innards. The whole poblano was in attendance, another plus. The only gripe is that the crispy batter on the poblano isn't so crispy suffocating under that heavy blanket of sauce and cheese, kinda defeats the purpose. No one woulda known it was a chile relleno unless you ordered it. If I showed this to the people up in this joint they would have no idea what this was, half of them wouldn't even know what it was if I told them... Perhaps a Mexi-lasagna. Mexican't food ain't pretty but this was not a good looking dish by any means. The filler inside was pretty good and not overly oily inside. It's an acceptable chile relleno but I would not order this again.

Pollo Perfecto, crispy skin chicken leg refrito con mole poblano, sesame seeds, guacamole puff. First off, what the fuck is a guacamole puff? I think it's just something full of air to take up space on the plate to command that lofty price tag. Second, I love fried chicken in case anybody wanted to know... This is not a real fried chicken per se but my one reader knows what I'm talking about. The chicken tasted pretty good except it was the same batch of mole with the bitter finish. Not a big deal scrapping off the mole but it's still there. I liked the dish on paper but in real life, it was just ok. Once is enough for me, I don't know if I would end up eating here again unless others really wanted to.

I can see why people are drawn to this place because of the vibe and the hip location but the long bar layout is terribly cramped... If you're a chick with your harem of nonstop cackling hens looking to hook up, why on god's green earth would you eat Mexican't. I'm sure a love connection was lost on more than one occasion due to the explosive nature of this cuisine. For me, this place was more about satisfying a curiosity and if there were any authentic dishes to be had. I tried not to order the most common and popular dishes like carne asada, fajitas and the dreaded hard shell taco that the whities adore so much... The specimens that I sampled were not half bad which I hate to admit but I will... But at a cost. No one is really here for the food, they're here for the statement. If people really wanted good Mexican grub they go to Buford Hwy where the comidas are cheap, flavorful and plentiful. There is no shortage of Mexican't grub in this town, chalk up another one on the board. I'm still at a loss to why whities lurv Mexican't food so much... Which brings me to my next post. Stay tuned...

99 Krog St NE
Atlanta, GA 30307
678-791-1310
http://www.supericaatl.com/

Popeyes

Baby I'm munching on you tonight

Fry you up eat you alive
Just like fried chicken 

Fried chicken
Like fried chicken-kens

Maybe you think that you can hide
I can smell your spices for miles
Just like fried chicken

Fried chicken
Like fwied cheekan-kanz
Baby I'm

So what you fryin' up for me
It's like pouch can't stop, we're frenemies
But we get along when you're inside me, eh
You're like avian flu that's killing me
I cut you out not entirely
But I get so high when you're inside me

 

So if I run it's not enough
You're still in my head forever cluck
So you can do what you wanna do, eh
I love your thighs I'll eat 'em up
But don't deny the crispy alleybird
That comes alive when you're inside me

Yeah you can start over you can fly free
You can find other chicken of the sea
You can pretend it's meant to be
But you can't stay away from me
I can still hear you frying that sound
Taking pouch down clucking around
You can pretend that it was me
But no, oh

Don't dare over fry, fry fry fry
You can't deny, fry fry fry
The breast inside, fry fry fry
Yeah yeah yeah

No girl don't over fry, fry fry fry (No girl don't over fry)
You can't deny, fry fry fry (You can't deny)
The beast inside, fry fry fry
Yeah yeah yeah

Burp

O4W Pizza

I know what y'all are saying, what the fuck is a New Jersey pizza? Isn't it just a NY style 'ZA with a bad accent? Yes and no... Most NJ 'ZA is basically a NY 'ZA but Jersey does have their own special pie called a Tomato Pie where the cheese and "toppings" go on the pie first then the sauce. It's made with a thin or thick crust but thin is preferred. The only place you can truly find this type of NJ tomato pie is in Trenton but make sure you bring a weapon when entering their borders. Let's get back to the pizza and see what's going on... They are subtle differences between pies from NY and NJ, most can't tell but we'll see if we can spot them. Will this joint finally be the answer to Atlanta's awful NY style 'ZA or will it just be a disappearing conversation that has been had over and over again over the years...

Jersey Round Pie. Only people from NY/NJ can really tell the difference. The sauce and cheese is pushed out almost to edge of the crust with almost no rise, standard NY pie has about an inch to inch and a half of crust with a small rise, the cheese amount is a bit more generous than NY, and the sauce is also a bit more sweeter.

Thin crackly crust on the edge but pliable towards the center, the way it should be. The cheese is a quality low moisture mozzarella with a denser bite and a very good pull factor... There is also no grease factor here which I kinda missed on the NY slice but after all it is a Jersey pie. This is a good pie can't complain too much on this. Does this pie do justice to the tri-state ex-pats here? Yes, it does but I'm stilling waiting for that elusive real NY 'ZA. It's a good start, though.

Meatball Parm. Ok, there is no pissing contest between NY and Jersey over a meatball parm sub. The only thing that matters is that it should be well made with quality ingredients. And this sub answers yes to the above. Is it the best meatball sub I have ever had? Hell no, that goes to Parm NYC but I would take this any day of the week. The meatballs are soft and flavorful with the standard Italian spice mix with a nice slight pink hue inside, a sign that they were slowly braised either in a nice stock or sauce after browning. They cut the balls in half which is a sin but since they're pretty sizable, I can forgive them this time. The sauce is the same as the 'ZA but the sweetness works better in a meatball sub. The low moisture mozz held things together well and the ricotta gave it that smoothness to finish it off. The garlic roll was toasted nicely and had the adequate crunch factor but still soft inside without having to tear it apart with force which abuses your gums... Anyone who has had a sub with an overly hard roll knows that they are a killer on your gums. This was a respectable meatball parm sub. I enjoyed it.

I'm glad they're doing the lord's work up in this piece... We needed something to remind us of our hometown and this does it as much as it can for the time being. The Grandma and Fresh Mozz looked pretty decent as well as the white pizza... Just stop it with the gluten free shit. I have yet seen a single Eyetalian who claims to be gluten-free. No self respecting paisano would... Well, I think the Sitch said it once but he also claims he's a DJ... He's more ginz-free instead of gluten-free. So, he doesn't count.

660 Irwin St.
Atlanta, GA 30312
678-515-3388

Little Sheep Mongolian Hot Pot

Son of a bitch, you still here? You been here four hour... You go home now, fat boy... You eat evey ting!
$18.95, 2 hour time limit, a list of multiple ingredients, a dedicated meat slicer boy and AYCE... Could make the pouch a very happy and fatter marsupial. Most all you can eat joints are not exactly quality but there are a couple of AYCE Korean BBQ that aren't half bad. Can this recently opened hot pot spot stack up? Let's stuff the pouch and see how many plates this fat fuck can go through and stack up on the push cart...

Soup dumps. Very surprised to see this on the list. Done and done. Too bad there were no soup in there. It's not a soup dumpling but I ain't crying over it. I closed my eyes and ate it anyways.

Scallion pancake, meat pie, red bean pie. Not really that good but hey, what do you expect at a hot pot dump.

The cauldron of healthy broth and "mala" spicy broth which wasn't really spicy. It got milder and milder as more stuff was put in. Don't get me wrong, it was good still. The more stuff you put in there, the more flavor it creates. Don't forget to drink some of the broth at the end. This could be the catalyst that Atlanta needs to kick start the "bone broth" trend that's taking NYC by storm... Or not. Atlanta, don't be a goober and miss the trending fad like you did with the food trucks 3 years too late.

A fucking orgy of goodies ready to be tossed in to the cauldron. Pork, beef, chicken, liver, kidney, tripe, intestine, fish balls, shrimp balls, dumplings, a ton of veggies, tofu, noodles... The list goes on and on. Just order it all. It's like when a server hands me the menu and I usually say.. Yes, please.

The slices of assorted meat kept coming and coming via the hombre at the slicer, he was a slicing machine. They had servers just walking around with plates of it and asking if you want more. You naturally answer yes on every pass.

If you see white people in here, 99% of the time they made a wrong turn up in this piece... It's ok, just usher them out politely in your best fobby Mandarin accent. There should be no worries about this joint moving intown to be hip because most of the staff can't speak Engrish... And they don't give a shit, either. For about $20, you will not leave here hungry... If you do, that's your own stupid ass fault. Speaking of which, the pouch was actually still a little hungry so it went next door to Quickly for their cheekan nuggets and a bubble tea.

The website does not list Atlanta as a qualified location, so I'm guessing in the true spirit of China, this too may be a knock off... The menu of items are also limited compared to the one on the website.

5090 Buford Hwy
Ste 104
Atlanta, GA 30340
(770) 680-2212
http://www.littlesheephotpot.com/

Pouch Snacks

And so... The pouch's second reader disappeared as quickly as he came in to my Twin Smokers post... And I am totally ok with that, how many fans does one need? Like Willy Wonka once said, "Everybody has had ONE, and ONE is enough for anybody. Now come along." I'm not depwessed or anything... I'm just gonna drown my sorrows in Popeyes like a depressed fat girl in my time of loss. Maybe that's why I'm so obeast, there's an empty hole that needs to be filled constantly and I don't think it's my heart. If scientists ever got a hold of the pouch and conducted experiments, they may find the answer to what a black hole is made of... That shit just swallows up mass quantities of matter with extreme prejudice. The black hole may not discriminate, but the pouch does...  Come along, children, let's make fun of something.

Hong Kong Harbor.

Sour Mustard with Tofu. This place is on my regular rotation and on Chinese New Year I opted to come here instead of the joints on Bufo Hwy because I didn't want to deal with the large crowds. The tofu is fine but I prefer manmeat protein with this dish. The pork is a good choice. This is off the menu, so don't tell them where you heard this from. You can blow me behind the dumpster, later.

Salt & Pepper Squid. The most ordered dish besides the General Tso's... I don't order these every time but when I do, it's usually pretty tasty. I wished they put more tentacles on this visit but that's just details.

Beef Chowfun. This dish is usually found on my table at most Chino restos I visit. It's my lemon test for the skills in the kitchen. If you can make this dish right, I will be pretty happy. Pouch was happy this night. 

Beef Belly Wonton Noodle Soup. One of the best dishes that no one orders. Super tender and the flavors are fucking sick. This ultra comfort food is more than enough for a meal but I'm fat so this was just an appetizer.


Cooks & Soldiers.

Pintxos Tradicionales. Gotta do the Jamón Ibérico. I still like this place because I saw some side boob last time... So, I got that going for me. But I know I will be crying myself to sleep later, again.


Enzo's Pizza.

I have never been in here before, just seen it driving by... So, I finally walked in after a drunken stupor. Can you say copyright infringement? Fellini's attorney should make a visit. I haven't had Fellini's in years but sometimes, you just want low rent 'ZA and this will have to do... Even if you're low rent doesn't mean you can't splurge on some accoutrements. I think this was the "Crap on a Crust" pie... It looked so slutty, it had everything on it except your mom. As for taste, well, don't eat it if you're sober. This is pure drunk late night, late morning hangover sponge grub to absorb all the funk you ingested 6 hours earlier.


Greater Good BBQ.

I tried their satellite location in Buckhead and it was baffling they called the food BBQ... But I swore to visit their main flagship location because a few bloggers said it was da shiznit. You know me, I believe every food blogger's analytical review because they're respected by the industry. First of all, they ran out of sliced brisket again just like their Buckhead location... I can believe that bullshit at their BH location because the shack is tiny but for the flagship to run out after the greasy head cook bragged about how many he goes through everyday you would think they would adjust the inventory and make more since it's such a big hit. But he did say there was a ton of chopped brisket available. Imagine that, a ton of "chopped" brisket left... That's industry term for left over bits and trimmings from the last 3 days. The ribs were dense, chewy and dry.. Where did they store this, under an AC vent? The pulled pork was forgettable. The mac was wet and very boxy tasting. I don't even recall the other side let alone eating it... I was in shock and awe. I don't think I have ever wanted to leave a place faster in my entire life... Ok, maybe that one time in a Bangkok alley. C'mon, he looked like a hot young girl. For your bowel's greater good, just keep moving.


Lee's Bakery.

Everybody and their hot step mothers know about their lunch combos. It's a great deal for a bowl of pho and halfa banh mi. The choice of pho is either the classic beef pho or the seafood pho. I had both. Imagine that... And I still wonder why I'm so fucking portly. The seafood pho is acceptable but they got real chintzy on the seafood. The beef pho should be your first choice, always. Is it the best pho in town? No, not recently in the last year or so. I just think they have dumb down due to the high volume now because the non-tribe hipsters have invaded... There were more crackers in here than at a Chipotle. These hipsters really do ruin a good thing.

Banh Mi. One thing that they still do great is the classic grilled BBQ pork banh mi. The made in house bread still kicks ass. The after 4pm deal on bread is even better (they make great lobster rolls).


Blue Ribbon Grill.

Fried Green Beans. There is just something really special about a joint opened almost exclusively for older folk... No, I'm not talking about Johnny's Hideaway, Clermont Lounge maybe but they don't serve food. Well, unless you consider being invited to Thanksgiving Dinner at the Clermont Lounge as food service... It was the most memorable Turkey Neck Day I have ever had. It was glorious... Especially, when they have their clothes on while I'm eating their stuffing. But anyways, the fried green beans were nothing special, not bad just pedestrian. I'm just thinking that the old folks in here are just happy to be able to eat anything fried.

Burger and House Chips. I was ready to make fun of this so bad but I was blind sided by this well constructed burger. They even split this burger on two plates if you're with a hot chippy. The thick patty was cooked spot on mid rare, look at that color, nice. The burger could use more seasoning but really nothing to complain about. I wished they buttered and toasted the bun but you have to consider your environment. You never ask for too much in a place like this. You take what you're given and damn straight I'll take it. This was a respectable burger. The chips were ultra crispy and seasoned well.

Jumbo Wings. This time no lemon pepper, I learned my lesson... So, I got lemon-yaki on half instead. As you can see, I learned my lesson real well. I am not a smart man. What was the pouch thinking? No wonder I cry myself to sleep so much, it's these poor life choices that I make on a daily basis. Lemon-yaki, as you can imagine was ultra sweet with that artifical lemon after taste to it. The naked sauce on the side hot wings were crispy, tender and juicy as fuck inside. These are not jumbo more like medium which I'm totally ok with. The hot sauce still sucks ass, though. I still love this dump, the $7.25 classic cocktail list from the 70's still rocks out with your cock out... Only if you sit at the bar on the other side, no one wants to see my pink Vienna sausage.

As you can see from this list, I enjoy a very healthy lifestyle... This collection of this slop only leads to one place and y'all know where that is. Just make sure there's enough matches, TP and wet naps in there. Flush.

The Luminary - Revisit

Krog Street Market has been slaying it like a true beast master. Every single whitie from Buckhead and OTP has been making the trek to worship this new culinary altar. This neighborhood market, for a relatively small commercial space overall, are packing in some talent and tasty vittles. I like this place a lot and the offerings inside. Stopped by to see what the fuss was about on the newly opened Superica... Who the fuck am I kidding thinking that there would be no wait for Tex-Mex. Try 3 fucking hours for a taco. What is the mystery behind the love affair with whities and Mexican't grub? It's like the mystery of the universe, no one knows. I said fuck that noise, that review will have to wait... They get to live another day. So, it came down to Craft or Luminary... Cockentrice was ok but it needs some polishing before I make another visit. So, a couple of out of townies that were with me got to pick and the Fronch food was their game... I had good experiences before, so I wasn't sweating it if it was gonna be crappy or not. I was more interested to see what was new on the menu... Let's take a gander.

Snails. This was not on the menu on my previous visit. I lurv these little snots. Anything that marinades within their own self-sustaining containment unit is ok with me, Tiny House Nation unite, bitches. This dish came shell free. Tender and flavorful. Shit was gone in 2 minzies.

Foie Gras. I can't not get this dish when I'm here. That foie is like crack. Those idiots in California love banning things for the children... Good, more for me. A bit over cooked in the center but we couldn't let this go to waste. 

Brussels Sprouts. Yeah, yeah.. We all know the millenials all prefer kale nowadays but I would still stuff these little firm yet gentle balls in my cheeks all day long.

Swordfish "Amandine". Nice chunk of fish, well executed, firm yet flaky, moist and pretty tasty. Wouldn't be my first choice but it turned out pretty good.

Chicken Pot Pie. The Fronch version... And it was surprisingly tasty. It kinda reminded me of a large balut. Once you get inside, you will find some tasty yardbird sans beak, feather and claw.

Crispy Rabbit Leg. I was pumping and squirting when this came out. I was like.. Fwied Cheekan? Even better, a chicken fried rabbit. So crispy, so tender, so damn tasty. The pouch could destroy 8 of these little leggies with ease.

Duck Breast. You can't go to a Fronchie joint without ordering the duck. It's a sizable portion with a good amount of spot on duck breast but I'm gonna nitpick and say that I prefer it to be fanned out a little bit. I like seeing the pink color when it gets put in front of my snout. The duck was tender (perfect chew factor) and skin and fat were rendered not too shabbily. Not the best duck I have ever tasted but I'll live with this version any time in this town.

For a good all around French Brasserie style grub, I would say this would be my first pick. Atlanta will never get a true French resto and I'm ok with that. The vibe, energy, people watching, cocktails and grub all works without trying too hard to be hip or douchy. This feels like neighborhood spot because it is... Enjoy it for what it is. But that damn crispy rabbit.. You had me at hello, you wascally wabbit.

99 Krog St.
Atlanta, GA 30307
404-600-6199
http://www.theluminaryatl.com/

A-Priori Seafood

 A Priori. adj. - Logic relating to or involving deductive reasoning from a general principle to the expected facts or effects.

Who names a restaurant with an adjective? The simple meaning is formed or conceived beforehand... I think I already know the outcome here before I have even tasted the grub. They seem like nice people but you know where they usually end up. I don't know what their culinary background in Russia is but they obviously like seafood. And we all know seafood requires a particular set of skills, skills acquired over a very long career to prepare and execute well. People never cook seafood at home because they don't know what the fuck they're doing most of the time. I had friends do dinner parties and try to pull off some French dishes involving fish and they murdered and butchered the delicate flesh like they were mashing potato... I sat there stunned like an opossum playing dead when they tried to cover their ass and said it was a fish mousseline, it still tasted like a fresh diaper. Shit, even the cooktestants on Hell's Kitchen can't even sear off a friggin scallop. So, without further ado, let's take a whack at this very strange exhibit... Pouch needs lunch.

"Chef" freebies... It's a nice gesture but unless it's from Robuchon, there's something fishy about it. Distraction is a useful tactic in many applications from the battlefield to marketing to the kitchen. This kitchen deployed these warm and fuzzies to get on your good side. But your mind powers don't work on me, boy. There's cheese bread sticks, some marinara with mascarpone-like substance and fried clam tasting spoons. The bread sticks were from a box in the freezer section, the tomato sauce thing was bright and vibrant in color and helped mask the freezer burn taste of the sticks, and the tiny fried clam thing left me scratching my head between my legs. I had an itch. Nothing was really palatable and this may have doomed them from the start.

For shits and giggles, I tried reassembling the bread sticks like how it came in the packaging and I had a perfect fit... Too bad they couldn't even cut on the dotted line. I feel so bad for these poor poor folks, I know they wanted to please but c'mon, stop trying so hard to impress.

Paella. I'm not a smart man, but I know what paella is... Besides the large Bubba Gump skrimpz, everything in this bowl was middling at best. The hard chicken chunks were days old, the andouille sausage slices looked good but went down unforgivigly. The clams and mussels were in attendance but were longing for the day when they will see the sea again instead of the bottom of a trash can. The crunchy rice used in this paella seemed almost like arborio, undercooked and barely warm, nothing in this bowl was hot temp wise. Henry Ford would be proud that his assembly line was playing such a huge role in the making of this dish. If this could be called a paella, it coulda been called a seafood fried rice as well... But the fried rice wouldn't cost a lofty $17.

Lobster Roll. I am a total sucka for a lobster roll, you put it on the menu, I am fucking there. But look at this sad sea creasture, it may very well be the worst insult I have ever sustained in my pouch's entire existence... And I had many a shitty lobster rolls in this town. For $16 (even though it was advertised for $10 online), you would think this would be well executed and edible. I don't know how many lobster rolls they serve in Russia but clearly it ain't enough. I was given a bread option for this specimen (does it come with a roll of TP, also? Seriously, it had nothing to do with scarce bread situation in Russia but the coincidence is uncanny)... Croissant, sliced white bread or wheat bun. I said give me something that resembles a roll. This was amazing, I have never had an option on bread for a lobster roll... I wished I was given a rice option for the paella, I woulda picked basamati. But let's get back to this abortion. The super dry unbuttered wheat bun looked like it was stuck half way in an E-Z Bake oven. The filler was about half a cup of old rock hard lobster meat that had the texture and chew factor of Gummi bears, the amount of celery made it look more like a salad with lobster bits. Chewing on this went on for what seemed like forever just to break it down to swallow it. I should have used my 3 chew test, more than 3 chews, it gets spat into a napkin. The brown bag fries were limp and cold inside with that undercooked gummy texture. It still baffles the mind how anyone with even the slightest level of kitchen experience can tell that is not what you serve paying customers, especially, for $16. A $3 banh mi destroys this in taste, flavor, texture and freshness. But they did use two fancy tootpicks to hold this beast together, perhaps it was there in hopes that you wouldn't be able to open it.

Based on this initial sampling of their talent in the seafood arena, this lunch was bewildering and painful. How could this be so bad when the Yelp boards are 5 stars across the board... Yes, I said Yelp. True, I haven't tried the other fish dishes but this perplexing sampling doesn't exactly makes one want to go back and endure another mouth beating and a bout of IBS. I hope they can right their very very wrongs in the seafood department because I wouldn't mind going back to drink in the cute Russian broads in their dated black and white server garb. Maybe the next concept in this space will keep the same decor as Tairyou, the sushi boats really makes this place.

5953 Buford Hwy
Atlanta, GA 30340
678-615-3104 

Top Spice Thai & Malaysian Cuisine

Decent to very good ethnic cuisines can be had in this town if you know where to go and speak the language. But we all know there are no good Thai food in this one horse town. Some say they had amazing Thai in this town, I say you dumb motherfuckers... They wouldn't know good Thai food if it was shoved up their ass like a high colonic. Ooo, kinky... Spicy.
Every single Thai joint I have been to with the exception of one serves dumb down and basically modified skanky Chino grub with a little spice and curry thrown in. If I find a real Thai eggplant in a dish, I'm soiling my underpants with the hopes of finding that elusive Thai Hot dish. My lemon test for motherland Thai grub is the green curry, Thai Hot... But most, if not all, just spoon in gobs of sambal oelek which makes the green curry into a pool of pink poo. Since, I had the pink curry here before, let's try some of their other dishes and see if the pouch approves... Shhhh, let's not get ahead of ourselves here, I already know what y'all gonna say about this visit.
Now, that I have doubled my readership to two readers, this will be a fun way to explore what they have to offer for my fans... Yes, you didn't read that wrong, it's plural vs. for my fan. Let's take a look why Thai people have such a strange love affair with spoons.

Barbeque Pork Jerky. When I saw these on the menu, I was immediately thinking about Tuk Tuk's kickass jerky with sticky rice... "I think I just came... didn't you feel it?" But these little meat roll-ups were as cheesy as Mike Damone. If they served it with sticky rice instead of these shrimp crackers, they would taste much better, but they don't serve sticky rice... That's like saying McDonald's doesn't serve french fries. Baffling.

Roti Canai. Not Thai but they also do Malaysian. Yeah, I said Malaysian grub... The pancake was fine but the cheekan tater curry was too sweet and thick. I'm starting to think all the curries are from a giant can based on the giant can opener mounted on the prep table inside the kitchen.

Martabak. Malaysian pancake stuffed with curry flavored minced beef & chopped onion. This wasn't half bad. I liked it, it was crispy and had decent minced meat flavor. It held together well while popping it into my facehole.

Satay Chicken. I forgot, are we in a Thai joint? There's more Malaysian dishes than Thai. Chicken was grilled nicely and tender but the satay sauce was chunky, clumpy and flavorless... Do we really need a spoon for meat on a stick? I know it ain't for the sauce...

Mixed Veggie with Shrimp. This isn't Thai or Malaysian or Chinese... It's La Choy. That lite sweet brown sauce has whitie written all over it. You know, no Asian ordered this exhibit. Very very average and boring. But some people like boring and flavorless... I know at least 36,596 of them.

Basil Squid. If I had to order something Thai Hot x100, it wasn't gonna be anything that's not red based, I learned my lesson... And not to my surprised they just threw in sambal oelek and red pepper flakes commonly found at your local pizzeria. The squid rings (no tentacles) were obviously previously frozen but they were not as chewy as I thought they would be. The sauce was a tepid mess of taint juice. If it was spicy Thai hot it woulda been ok but the mild heat came mostly from the seeds of the sambal oelek. Can someone pass the Romano shaker, pweez... Use the spoon, have some manners.

Lad-Na Noodles. I don't even know where to start with this... Rice noodle with gravy sauce is one thing but this specimen looked like my underpants after riding 200 miles on a Harley all day in the southern summer heat, can you say swamp ass? Why is it soaking in a thin super sweet two tone sauce? The noodles were all clumped together under those meat flaps... They shoulda just put it in a bowl, make it into a beef noodle soup and call it a day. This was a real loose version of lad na noods. You can always use the spoon to pour some sugar water on me...

Beef Rendang. I'm not laughing, I swear... But this was common sight on the streets of Bangkok. It looks like a panda paw that stepped in shit.... It wants you to scrap the poo off it's hoof with the spoon. The spices were actually decent but not much coconut fragrance was detected in this classic "coconut beef stew". It's not bad, only wished they had some sticky rice to go with it.

Buah Mango Chicken. Ok, this dish while it looks so Americanized which it kinda is, was actually pretty impressive served with the split whole mango for presentation. The flash fried chicken was kinda chewy, the premade overly sweet red sauce was a better version (not by much) found at most hole in the wall Chino joints and strips of mango were plentiful. This dish is so gaudy you just can't help but like it. It almost looks like an Asian poutine... WTF am I talking about, I must be stoned. But not stoned enough not to notice the spoon hiding underneath the mango shell.

Nam Sod. Oh, lookie, a Thai dish in a Thai resto... This dish always seemed so low rent to me but white people seem to love this "spicy" pork salad. White people do lurv salads. The thing is, I don't really enjoy chewing on a thick raw cabbage like a cow, that's me, though. Seriously, who really eats that full half of raw cabbage... This was just an ok dish, not real thrilling or adventurous.

The lack of capable Thai restos make this joint a hot spot. While you won't find many ex-pats dining here, some of the food are totally acceptable when the craving hits... Kinda like a slutty Chino take out dive. It's usually the morning after a long night out boozing and doping.

3007 North Druid Hills Rd. 
Atlanta, GA
404.728.0588
http://www.topspiceatlanta.com/