Aspen Bartini

When I saw their sign out front, "Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano." ...I immediately thought of one thing, the French are assholes.

What genius said to himself, "Hey, we should open a piano bar/restaurant/lounge after Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne." ...And a genius he was. I instinctively knew this would be a treat for the senses. The parking lot is a nightmare, one side is free and the other side is $5. No one in their right mind would pay for parking to come here. 

Once inside, good luck finding a host at the stand because there isn't one. Excuse me, Flo? You kinda just wait around for a server to point you to a table or something like cattle. If you get a table that's not wobbly, you're ahead of the game already but unfortunately I got a table that could withstand a magnitude 9 earthquake. The manager/partner/whatever whom I thought was a customer because he was hanging out at the bar the entire night was nice enough to get me a shim to offset the punching bag sway of the table. After 10 minutes, a server with a lovely accent came by to take the drink order, I think she was from New Jersey.

The decor is not as gaudy as it looks or sounds but it reminded me of some place familiar... When I spied around the room, I knew then where I was... Holy shit! I'm at Johnny's Hideaway little brother's cougar den. The place was full of cougars,  sabertooths and wooly mammoths. And with that, the prey of old rich men instinctively flock to Aspen, California. The act for the night, every night, is this well-seasoned four man band of one singing bad cover songs. The piano is behind the bar... The bar is actually cut out in the shape of the piano like some guido puzzle piece. Who the fuck puts a full size piano behind the bar? I'm baffled as a blind kid with a headless bird. Pretty bird. Polly want a cracker? Speaking of food, let's just get to the grub... I'm exhausted already and haven't even had a drink yet.

Crisfield Crab Cakes, Brown butter caper red pepper roumelade. These tasteless crab pucks looked like it was pushed out of a toilet paper cardboard roll. Cold in the middle was a sure sign these babies were pre-cooked and sat on some hotel pan above the icemaker. Send this back up the river.

Habenero Fish Tacos Napa cabbage slaw, tomato relish. When you see a wire taco holder on a plate, you know you're in for a treat. You can use the wire and stick it down your throat afterwards for 100% evacuation. Better than the two finger diet. This specimen was neither spicy nor hot in the temperature sense. I had no clue what kinda fish it was, coulda been Sea Bass but it was salty as hell and I didn't want to insult the chef and get my ass kicked. Stick this in a bucket and use it as chum next time you go fishing. Chattahoochee's finest. 

Aspen Wings. Hot, mild or Aspen flavor... C'mon, that's a no brainer, it's not like landing on the moon. When in California, do as the Californians do, get the Aspen. It's basically a super sweetened thinned out version of teriyaki sauce. Decent medium size wings and under this lighting they seem undercooked. I hope I don't get worms. Nothing special about these wings, come to think of it, I think they were from a mock ing bird, yeah.

The food on the limited menu was suspect and the classic cocktails were not properly prepared but the most amusing part was when the "chef" with a giant toque paraded around the joint patting himself on the back about how good his food was.

Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.


322 East Paces Ferry Road
Atlanta, GA 30305
404-549-8700
http://www.aspenbartini.com/

Yakiniku Takashi

Only in NYC is where one can find a place solely dedicated on serving internal organs. It's almost like dissecting a big ass bull frog in biology class but much tastier... Well, those Duck Dynasty necktards might actually prefer the frog instead. This little shop has been the shit around town for awhile and there's no signs of it slowing down in popularity. Bottomline: I fucking lurv this joint because it triple dog dares me to consume some pretty radical pieces of offal, not like I haven't eaten almost every part of an animal before. Wait, I have eaten every single part of an animal, I feel so Hannibal-esque. Let's take a peek at a few samples anyways...

Steak Tartare with quail egg.

This generous basemeatball sized of raw beef was amazing and got me excited when it was put in front of my snout. It was so fresh that parts of it were still pulsating... Or was that the organ in my pants? That's edible too, ladies.

 

Grandmom's Steamed Beef Shank Buns w/ Spicy Mayo

I get suckered in for these "make your own" buns every time! That beef shank made from his grandma's cankles are da bomb.

 

Testicargot (cow balls escargot style with garlic shiso butter)

 Not a very pleasing presentation but who cares about that when you have buttery balls in your hole. Wouldn't it be fun if they served it in a fleshy sack and you have to bob for them? Never mind me, I was just "brain" storming.

 

Tsurami (Don't get cheeky with me or I'll slap ya with them tongs... They have some kick ass tongs. Want)

60 seconds on each side and boom, you're ready to chow down like Lecter.

 

Horumon-Moriawase (chef’s selection) consisted of Kimo (liver), Shibire (sweetbreads), Hatsu (heart), Mino (first stomach) and Akasen (fourth stomach)

This was heaven but without the 72 virgins..Isn't that offal?

I really enjoy this place, it's not a place you'll come every week but once a month to get your fill of ultra fresh innards and high quality kobe grilled to your liking. By the time I was done eating, I was so over loaded with bloody organs in my pouch that I had to waddle it outta there. My BMI says I'm obeast, so what? Have a heart... Ok, if you insist. Perhaps with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Burp.

3 Stars.

456 Hudson St.
New York, NY 10014
(212) 414-2929
http://takashinyc.com/

Del Frisco's Grille

Y'all know how much I love restaurant names that spell Grill with the extra "e" in it. It makes it sound fancy. And as you know, I'm a fancy kinda girl. The previous tenant, Craft, was a decent resto by that hairless douche from Top Chef but their reason for closing it was such bullshit. People are stupid but not that stupid to see the real reason why... No one spends millions building out a space and then close shop within a year. Tom Colicchio realized this city wasn't ready for Craft and got the fuck outta Dodge unlike that frog, Jean-Georges, and stuck it out with that hellacious Spice Market. But anyways back to Del Frisco's... So, can this big box of cougars make it work in this semi cursed space? Initial impressions of the spectacle happening inside provides ample evidence of which way it's going... And that direction happens to point to the exit sign or a noose. But let's take a look anyways...

Cocktail Menu. Yup, this says it all. Classy. No where else to go except up from here.

WILD MUSHROOM Fontina Cheese, Caramelized Onions, Baby Arugula. You have to be a special ed retard taking online courses for a PhD to screw up a flatbread. It was decent and edible.

PIMENTO CHEESE FRITTERS Chipotle Ranch Sauce. Where are we? Chuck E Cheese's? Cuz we all know how kids love balls with white creamy jizz sauce dripping off their chin.

SAVANNAH BLUE CRAB TOAST Parmesan, Old Bay & Lemon. WTF is this plague on a plate? If herpes can take vacations, it would come here. Disgustingly greasy and tasteless. Not to mention burnt.

CHICKEN SCHNITZEL Sweet Potato Spaetzle, Bordelaise Sauce, Fried Egg, Brown Butter & Parmesan. Seriously, bro, you don't have to put a fried egg on top to try to make it look farm to table... You're not fooling anyone. Nothing back there in the kitchen came from a farm... Mebbe a cuckoo farm. Look at the two squirts of "Bordelaise Sauce" on either side. Fucking hilarious. Next time, order a thinner piece of pre-breaded frozen chicken patty. At least try a little harder to attempt to trick me that this is a schnitzel. Don't ask Seven Hens for advice.

MESQUITE-SMOKED PORK CHOP Anson Mills Grits, Bourbon-Apple Glaze. Came out cold and over cooked. The meat was tougher to chew than most of the cougars at the bar. Re fired it, second coming was barely warmed over and raw inside. I give up. This presentation was so unappealing to the eyes that I rather direct my eyeballs towards the wrinkled and cracked foundations of make up found on the pigs at the bar.

PRIME SLICED NEW YORK STRIP 8oz Fresh Tomato-Basil Salsa, Aged Balsamic Reduction. I love the tomato-basil "salsa"... I guess salsa nowadays are just cherry tomatoes cut in half. The strip was cooked to temp and pre-sliced but the attempt to reassembled it on the plate to look anything like a mouthwatering steak proved challenging. This presentation that looks like an obeast woman trying to trim her landing strip trumps the pork chop in the heinous category. If I was blind, I would be happy with this dish. On the other hand, maybe not... because I wouldn't touch this meat braille with my fingers.

SOLE FRANCESE Lump Crab, Arugula-Cherry Tomato Salad, Chive-Lemon Butter. Escoffier just turned over in his crepe-lined coffin. The only French technique deployed in this dish was that the line cook haven't bathe in weeks. Doesn't the cherry tomato salad look eerily similar to the tomato salsa in the strip steak dish? The lump crab meat musta got dented while being unloaded from the back of the truck because it was stringy. The chive lemon butter took a short cut to the plate without the chives or butter... A ladle of lemon juice is good enough that the diner wouldn't noticed. You're right pal, I didn't noticed because this went straight into the garbage after the first bite and detection of tilapia.

Roasted Asparagus. This side dish showed me that the kitchen staff could do something right... But my pee didn't smell like asparagus. They can't even get that right.

Pimento-County Ham Mac & Cheese. Don't ask, don't tell... Me that this came from a box. Fuck me, it did. Why Lord, why?!

This new location for this chain is either super smart or super stupid to open up in this space in Buckhead because the food was so poorly sourced and executed that any decent person with any sense of taste would find everything on the menu and cocktail menu revolting... But that doesn't stop the countless cougars and sabertooths from seeking a sugar daddy at the bar. Oh, wait, I totally forget this was in Buckhead. Case closed. Atlanta gets what Atlanta deserves. This place will kill it.

No Rating.

3376 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, GA
404-537-2828
http://delfriscosgrille.com/atlanta