Carolyn's Gourmet Cafe

There were more cockroaches than humans up in this piece on a friday night. W T F, yo?! Seriously, I have never seen a more well behaved cockroach ever in my life, he was smarter than my stupid dog. He sat there patiently looking at me with those lonely compound eyes... All 4000 lenses. How can anyone with a heart not give in to those big black cocky eyes? I gave him a small sampler plate, he thanked me and went on his way. Why can't all roaches be this civil instead of sneaking around in the dark?

This place was dead as fuck can be... But it looked safe enough to grab a quick bite before the weekend's melee of booze and sweet sodomy in some women's stall. This joint has been around for awhile and every time I drive past it, it looks closed or maybe it's just dead. I'm guessing they do a good deal of lunch business to sustain this operation. But it's definitely not a night time watering hole. The menu is your standard pub grub, nothing really exciting... Rather boring to tell the truth. I almost got up and left but decided to try it out anyways since I already went through the motions.

Cheekan Wangz. The mystery hot sauce had to be put on the side since they had no clue if it was made in house or from a bucket. It was from a plastic jug and tasted like ketchup. The wings were plump, crispy and a tad dry inside. Not bad, pretty much standard issue at most joints. It won't win any contests.

Fish Tacos. What do you want to know? It was "Two lightly battered fish filets diced and topped with cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato and a zesty sauce, served with warm tortilla chips and queso." like it was printed on the menu. When they don't tell ya what kinda fish it is, should you be worried? I hope they taste better than the stale ass chips and gluey queso. Spoke too soon, fish tacos were crap and ice cold.

Carolyn's Original Burger. Cooked to temp... Somewhat medium-rare-ish. The sweet tater fries were limp, tepid and tired, kinda like me on the couch with my hands down my pants watching 'Any Which Way But Loose' the other night. That Clyde is such a sexy beast! This burger wasn't. I guess it's an average burger even though they boast it's a "Eight ounce Black Angus ground beef seasoned to perfection". Bottomline: It's edible. The fries were not.

Service was spotty because there were like 2 people working but the waitress/bartender was nice enough. I guess this joint does well enough during the week day lunch crowd from the surrounding office buildings that they could care less about dinner service (why even keep it open at night?). One would think this spot would be killing it with college kids or what not. But they're not. They do have an AYCE wings on Tuesday nights but I think I'll pass on the AYCE pizza.

Fair Rating.

1151 West Peachtree Street Northwest
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 607-8100
http://www.carolynsgourmetcafe.com/

Happy Valley

This place still makes me laugh every time I walk in... The decor is so friggin ridiculous for a Chino joint. I have seen the original Clash of the Titans at least 169 times and I don't ever remember Perseus eating dim sum... Let alone fried rice. Whoever did the interior design is a genius. I want him to design my bathroom. I want Zeus and Apollo painted on my walls...Not of the Greek Gods but the two dobermans from Magnum PI. Let's go get our nosh on and get fat and happy like Higgy baby.

The Sampler. Look at all that shit I'm about to inhale. Too bad it wasn't that good. Some items were just plain shitty. The shrimp and beef rice noodle rolls (cheung fun) were either undercooked or way over steamed it just disintegrated. The har gao skin were dried up and stuck to each other, tearing apart every time you try to pick one up, shrimp was like rubber. Shumai were hard, a sign it didn't have enough fat in it nor ground finely and whipped enough to give it that pillowy texture.The daan tart were too crispy on the bottom and the custard separated. Lo bak go were barely heated through and tasteless. Wu gok were flaky but it was a grease pit inside. Sesame balls... Well, you know. Tripe was ok, while it was tender it lacked seasoning.

Beef Tendon. This is a scene straight outta Pulp Fiction... Remember when Vincent opened that briefcase? Nobody knew what was inside until now... It was filled with this. Now, you know what Marcellus Wallace looks like... A big fat bowl of dericious edible gold. These tendons were pretty damn tasty, firm, gelatinous and savory. They got at least one dish right.

Sticky Rice. It's quite a large package... Wish I could be so lucky. Let's see what we get when we unwrapped it. Oooh, it's girthy and plump. I was getting a tad moist... Until, I stuck the spoon in that beast. It was as thick as cement. You couldn't scoop a spoonful without the banana leaves breaking apart. The glutineous rice were undercooked but it was filled with the proper Chinese sausage, salted duck egg and pieces of bone-in thighs. What a shame.

Rice Noodle with Shrimp, fresh from the steamer... Second try. Hong Kong, we have a problem. How does this happen to something that just came out from the kitchen? The noodle totally fell apart when you try to pick it up. Awful, just awful. I am done with this.

I paid the price of admission but I didn't get a happy ending. I got fucked instead... Well, not literally. There used to be more dim sum options in the city, now it is very limited (most have closed shop or changed direction)... Oriental Pearl, while not the best by any means, is still the most consistent in my book.

Happy Valley? Never again.

Fair Rating.

5495 Jimmy Carter Blvd
Norcross, GA 30093
(678) 218-0888

Modern Restaurant + Bar

Anyone remember that ghetto ass dump, Copeland's? Well, you didn't miss much, it was total garbage. The food was greasy, oily, fatty, salty, creamy and smelly... With a 70% runs rate. I shit you not but you may before you get home. It's a wonder it lasted longer than it did... But that's old news. Let's get to the good news. The Modern. No one really knew much about this place, it took forever to build out. Maybe because the owner is a restaurateur from Connecticut. Say what? That's one helluva commute to check on the progress. Not only were there little 411 about the place, no one even knew who the chef was... Not even the owner. That's because they didn't have one yet. That's ballsy, dude.

Here's where Mark Alba, a veteran cook that worked at a few not too shabby places, enters the Buckhead dining scene, again. He took a hiatus from the sweaty ballsack cooking world to do his own gig for awhile. I guess he didn't like having clean and dry balls. High five to that... Make that an air high five, bro. Let's hope he can impress the pouch with some of his old magic from the days of yore...

SELECTION OF ARTISAN CHEESES & CHARCUTERIE with traditional accompaniments. A nice tasty selection to whet yo mama's appetite.

SONOMA FOIE GRAS pineapple-upside down cake, ginger snap crumbs, maple syrup. Seared and scored perfectly. This was a really good piece of foie gras that was cooked how it should be, a little more than rare inside. Hell, I eat it raw sometimes. The other stuff on the plate were just filler. This piece of offal was a fucking rockstar.

HAMACHI SASHIMI canteloupe sorbet, lime-mint oil. Hamachi was fresh but the lime-mint oil kinda coated the natural flavor of the fish. The price tag may be a little steep for the size but still good to try it, though.

BRAISED VEAL CHEEKS sweet potato gnocchi, cippolini onions, pomegranates, port reduction. Super tender and savory but a little heavy on the port reduction. Still very good though. Like this hot app a lot, just a little less port redux.

GRILLED HANGER STEAK avocado-lime puree, tomato-cucumber salsa, crispy jalapeno chips. Cooked spot on medium rare. Nice color and everything worked well together.

GARLIC AND ROSEMARY LOIN OF LAMB chickpea puree, artichokes, grilled scallions, lamb jus. One word: Lamb. Two more words: Medium rare. Good stuff.

CREAMY LEEK RISOTTO speck ham, treviso, poached farm egg, aged balsamico. The crispy speck chips and poached egg were nice. The aged balsamico was kinda suspect since it didn't have that rich intense flavor and density of a great balsamico from Modena. The risotto was decent but no hint of the treviso unless it was chopped finely. Still tasty to me.

MONKFISH bok choy, leeks, shiitake mushrooms, coconut curry broth. I couldn't cook a more perfect piece of Monkfish, it was pretty awesome. The coconut curry broth was lacking, it was more of an aromatic fumet. Good dish, but needs work on intensifying the coconut curry broth since the poor man's lobster is kinda neutral.

PAPPARDELLE braised beef short rib, sweet peas, mushrooms, mint. Short rib was super tender and savory. Pasta was thin, wide and al dente, just spot on. Another winner.

Tempura Fried Cheesecake Bites. I am not a big dessert fan but these were cute.

Chocolate Torte with Caramelized Bananas. The banana and dots remind me of Mr. Hanky frolicking but it tasted much better than poo. Sometimes, these things they call desserts are just a waste of valuable pouch space... I could finished this meal off with a juicy burger but that is just me.

On another visit, I had a few mouthfuls (no pics, too lazy) from the rest of the menu which were all deriricous as well... Especially, the crispy duck. Mmm...

BEEF TENDERLOIN TARTARE shallots, baguette toast, sauce gribiche
YELLOW FIN TUNA TARTARE cucumber, avocado, soy sauce powder, baguette toast
WILD MUSHROOM TARTLET truffle pecorino, arugula, aged balsamico
SOUS VIDE PORK BELLY roasted parsnip farro, tuscan kale, apple confit, sherry-maple reduction
YOUNG CHICKEN parsnip bread pudding, brussels sprouts, chicken jus
LONG ISLAND DUCK carrot-ginger puree, french beans, orange-soy glaze
MAINE SEA SCALLOPS cauliflower puree, brussels sprouts, brown butter, candied lemon confit

And I wonder why I'm so fat... If you want a consistent, well-executed, and eater-friendly menu for everyone, this is your best bet in Buckhead. Hopefully, they will add more adventurous items on the menu in the future and it may garner them that elusive 4th star that only a handful has had the honor from the pouch in this one horse town. Wait, who am I kidding? It's Buckhead... I ain't gonna get chicken uterus, brains, balls, lungs, intestines, hearts, toe nails et al... Boo. Guess they'll have to settle for 3 stars for now. BTW- The service was great and not overbearing or intrusive.

Burp.

PS- Don't forget to stop by Twin Peaks after for the spectacular view. Squirt.

3 Stars.

3365 Piedmont Rd.
Atlanta, GA 30305
404-554-1100
http://www.modernbuckhead.com/

Sushi Huku

There are only a handful of sushi joints that are worthy of the pouch's discerning taste... Wait, who am I kidding? I'm a fat slob and I'll eat anything that's put in front of my snout. But seriously, this place is just plain good. Quality ingredients, fresh and vibrant, doesn't mean shit if the cook can't prepare it correctly. Luckily, Huku has the talent to deliver outstanding dishes time and time again. I fucking love this joint.

I met up once again with some friends that know a thing or thirty about cooking good food to feast on some sooshee... And let me tell ya, Jeh delivered yet again another killer meal. Take a gander, suckaz...

Soft Shell Crab. Everyone should get crabs... This kind at least.

Ebi Shitake. Shrooms stuff with shrimp and deep fried? Ah, fuck, pweez.

Hamachi Kama. This was a little weak on the size and cut but still tasty.

 Gyutan Shio. French kissed the fuck outta this tongue.

Tai. Red Snapper. You can also have sex with this snapper... In theory.

 Fried Shrimp Heads. This shit never gets old. Crunchy brains and eyeballs. Yum.

Sashimi. Look at this sick ass spread. Too much to list. Fucking kick ass!

 Teba Shio. Grilled wings... Only weak dish of the night.

Otoro. Lightly scorched and amazing.

Uni with Japanese kelp roll and roe. Killer flavor combination.

Holy Mackerel! Look at the size of this thing.

Shima Aji fried bones. My favorite way to end the feast.

One of the best sushi places for traditional (dare I say authentic? fuck yeah!) Japanese grub even though it's Korean owned. But Jeh does an incredible omakase and don't forget to ask about the special shoyu and wasabi root. Sick.

Just go... Now. Or not. I don't care, more soosh for me.

Weeeeeeee! Oink oink.

4 Stars.

6300 Powers Ferry Rd NW
Atlanta, GA 30339
(770) 956-9559
http://www.sushihuku.com/

Scoreboards Bar & Grill

I came to get some Community Q... But I saw this creasture in the corner of my eyeball instead and it called out to me or maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment. I had an obligation to find out what the scoop is... For my one reader.

You walk in... It's depressing as fuck. The handful of patrons inside... Looked like extras that just got killed off in The Walking Dead, still in costume. Mind you, it's a Sunday and prime time for football... But it was so quiet, you could hear a supermodel fart. There's one bartender/waitress in some second hand wannabe sleazy referee uniform that was 2 sizes too small for her and it was a large. I don't want to see anything in sequins hanging off her gourd shaped ass let alone the words "Juicy" spelt out in it. I just puked a lil in mouth. The manager/owner was dressed like, either, he just came from church or from Boulevard. You shoulda seen the size of the gold ring he was wearing (he should have a website just for that ring alone like the guy from Buckhead Bottle Bar)... They don't give that shit out unless you have a strong pimp hand. But nevermind all that.. Just give me a drink and some grub.

There's no lack of TV's in here but the decor/build out was cheap and amateur like some bad ghetto club trying to look chic. Wires and shit were all exposed and dangling above the bar. Classy. Asked for a sweet tea, they were out of it. Asked for a couple different types of beer, both out. Asked for a Fat Tire on draft... No problem, except that it was a draft from a bottle and tepid. Whatever. At this point, I'll settle for warm piss from a goat's teat. Just give me the menu... Holy shit, this almost put me to sleep and I'm still on the first page. Did you give me the kids' menu by mistake? Oh, that's the real menu, ok. Look, just give me a friggin burger medium-rare and wings naked with your hottest sauce on the side. You do have burgers and wings right? This is a sports bar I assume by the name or will there be dancers coming up from the dungeon aka "event space". Whatever you do, do not bring a black light down there if you value your mental well being and eyesight.

After watching a few different games on the tube... I realized I had ordered food about 35 minutes ago. Hmmm, wonder why it's taking so long to deep fried a few pieces of ghetto pigeons arms and smash an ALPO patty on the flat top. Not one of the 5 people in there had put in a food order, so what could it be? When it finally came out about 40 mins later, I was given the excuse, "We don't pre-cooked our wings like all the other places.". What kinda wings were these? And do I really want to eat them...

SCOREBOARD BURGER. Looks like your plain Jane vanilla ice burga patty. It was cooked to temp but it was tasteless. No seasoning whatsoever. I like white onions but not raw on a burger as with red onions. The fries were total garbage. Oil logged as if they were sitting at the bottom of the fryer while it was coming up to temp. Limp, oily and a hint of rancidity. The tiny sprinkling of dried parsley around the lip of the plate a la Emeril did nothing to whet my appetite, either. It was borderline edible at best... That's if you can even finish half of this thing.

MVP WINGS. These were the wings on steroids that took 40 mins to cook... In a deep fryer. They were not bad. Your standard issued wings about the same level as a Chino take-out joint you find at any gas station in the southside. Hot sauce was Frank's straight from the jug. It's passable in a ghetto fabu kinda way. But nothing I ever want to wait or come here for ever again.

This was probably the worse sports bar I have ever stepped foot into. The atmosphere, service, menu, drinks were so deplorable that even Moe's & Joe's laughs at them. My best guess is that this place will last as long as my sabbatical from Popeyes. How can they think a half-assed sports bar upstairs and a skanky club downstairs will ever work in this space and part of the town? If they opened a funeral palor, no one would die.

Time for some good BBQ next door...

No Rating.

1371 Clairmont Rd NE
Decatur, GA 30033

(404) 633-6692
 www.scoreboardsbarandgrill.com