Five & Ten

How the fuck did I end up in double-wide bumblefuck Athens? Oh, yeah... It was for a wedding and weddings always have an open bar. Fuck yeah, dude, I'm all over it like white on rice. So, I went up a night early to check out what it's like to spend Halloween night with some of the smartest 700 SAT score students in the land.

Before, I joined the Halloween festivities with the barn yard animals in town, I had to eat at Five & Ten (or is that 5&10? Seriously, who da fuck really knows. I guess it depends on if you're drunk on moonshine or smoking meth. Hey, whatever floats your boat, but I'm sure the Bulldogs football players have done worse). With all the ball licking recently, I had to see what the fuss was all about, how does Hugh's balls really taste in my mouth?

Anyhoo, let's take a lick, I mean look at this experience...

Walked in (had rez) and the "host" is walking in circles like he just did 10 speed bumps of coke. Not that I would know. But anyways, no "hello" or "how are you doing this evening?" small talk bullshit. Whatever. Over it. Finally get seated... Didn't even give a shit if he said "enjoy your meal" or some shit like that. There was this sense of snottiness and pompous mucus in the air. Whatever, go away, Cooter. The server was better but not by much... Fuck it, just take a look at the pictures. No one really reads my shit anyways.

(I ate half the bread and butter before I remembered to snap a shot.)

(Sweetbread, like you can tell by this pic. It was deep fried to all hell but passable.)

(Pork Shoulder, I think. It was not fork tender, mebbe pitch fork.)

(The infamous, Frogmore Stew, nothing was cooked together. Just parts cooked separately and tossed together. Yeah, I said tossed. So what.)

(Sides of Haricot Vert and Dirty Rice. Yeah.)

I just don't get it. Mebbe, it's just me but this was pretty much standard issued. Since, Hugh is such a bigshot now, I guess he doesn't need to be at the restaurant anymore... When the cat's away, the rednecks will dip. It wasn't bad but there's no way in hell I would drive 800 miles again to eat food that was just decent and cost more like 50&100... I could do that in his midtown restaurant.2.5 Stars.

1653 South Lumpkin Street
Athens, GA 30606
www.fiveandten.com

Ocean Villa Asian Cuisine

Pung Mie has been around for a long time in Atlanta with really mediocre Chinese grub compared to all the others on Buford Hwy... How has it been around for that long? The fuck do I know... But it's been kaput for awhile and a new Chino joint has taken over the space with the dumbest name, too. Ocean Villa Asian Cuisine. Sad to say, it's mediocre just like the dump before it. The menu is mostly Chino-American dishes. The first words outta the server's mouth basically paved the way for a double yellow kinda meal... In other words: middling.

The place was empty on a Saturday night. The amount of staff trumped the place with the old white couple in the corner noshing on egg drop soup and flied wice. There was not one single Oriental customer in the whole joint. I wanted to shoot myself but I was too lazy to go somewhere else.

Hi, do you speak Cantonese?

"Yes... Ni Hao."

What da fuck. Ah, isn't that Mandarin, sweet cheeks? Just shut your mouth or I'll gag it with an eggroll. She just kept on yapping away like some Yenta. Oy vey.

The menu read like a Chin Chin's menu, except it doesn't do sushi (Thank God.). It is so friggin vanilla white bread cracker of a menu that even the Mexicans will eat here (which a familia did come in later). Scrolling through the menu was putting me to sleep... Except for a few items that looked decent enough. This place is all over the board, there's not one defining Chinese cuisine here, no wonder they call it "Asian Cuisine".

Ugh, enough of the babbling... What about the food?

(Soup Dumplings - No soup, just plain dumpy.)

(Pea Shoots - They pushed this shit so hard, it musta been sitting around for awhile. And it was, old and thick stemmed. They should be young and tender like a school girl.)

(Beef Stew Hot Pot - Beef was tender but full of tendon and silver skin. Tendon needed to be cooked a lot longer because it was rubbery and chewy as fuck. It looked ok but I had better beef stew from a can of Dinty Moore.)

("Cha Chang Mein" - Surprisingly, this was actually pretty good. Noodles were toothy and the black bean sauce was spot on and meaty.)

(Crispy Fwied Chicken - Ah, shit, y'all know I had to do this every time I see it on a menu. It looked purdy when it arrived. Thin and crispy skin, plus. First bite was good but after awhile the meat tasted drier and drier. Not horrible but I won't be ordering this again if I'm ever here again.)

The interior space is similar to Pung Mie, it's nice but a restaurant with mediocre food with so much better competition around will only mean their demise sooner or later. It's too bad because this place coulda been somebody like a phoenix rising from the previous tenant's ashes. Oh, and the staff were actually pwetty nice people. I feel for ya. This place would do well in order by number white suburbia.

Flush.

1.5 Stars.

5145 Buford Highway NE
Doraville, GA 30340

Sufi's A Taste of Persia

Lookie, what we have here... A new and shiny Persian joint graces Atlanta with an intown location that replaced that years old dump, Shipfeifer's. While there are a handful of decent Persian cuisine around town, this looks pretty promising as well...

The place is pretty fancy for what it is, there's complimentary valet, a door guy, purdy decor, semi open kitchen with a wood burning oven, staff are dressed more like at high end dining destinations and patio with an overhead heating system. Just don't let them persuade you to sitting outside at night because it will get nippy this time of year even though the weather has been all kinds of fucked up lately.

Anyhoo, take a sneak peek on my first of few visits to come...

(Freebies, a Yelp Elite's favorite thing on any menu. Nice refreshing assortment of walnuts, feta, mint, basil, cucumbers and radishes. It also came with some pretty kickass flat bread from their wood burning oven.)

(Mirza Ghasemi - Roasted eggplant, tomatoes and garlic. It's vegetarian but it was more like vagatarian to me. Licked that shit clean. Slurp.)

(Baghala Polo w/ Lamb Shank- I got a chub when I saw the girth of this boner. Fork tender with nice flavors. But I think some may mistake the spices for the gaminess of the lamb.)

(Fava beans, fresh baby dill, and baked with fluffy saffron basmati rice. So fresh and so clean, clean.)

(Fesenjoon Stew - Slow cooked with grated walnuts, pomegranate juice and pomegranate molasses and chicken breast chunks. Looks like redneck wet clay in a bowl but tastier. Not too shabby but a tad sweet, mix it in with the boat load of rice and you'll be aight.)

(Fluffy saffron basmati rice. It sho is!)

(Baklava thingies. Crunch.)

First impressions: This new "Persian" joint is a nice addition to the area with well prepared grub but the staff needs to brush up on service and timing. There's a lot more things on the menu that I'm interested to try, hell, I'll try them all. My main concern: I'm on the fence on whether they will survive this economy and this town. So, get your ass there and sample as many dishes as you can before they get the 5th Street Cafe virus.

3 Stars.

1814 Peachtree St. NW
Atlanta, GA 30309
404-888-9699
http://sufisatlanta.com/

Harm Heung Cold Noodle

After every trip I make to Asia, I dread eating for a week in Atlanta because the taste of Hong Kong and Bangkok grubbery last week were still fresh on my chicken lips. I had to do something different this time around... So, I called up a couple chef fwends and said I need some really good food to ease my way back into this town of fast food chains and franchises. They were, too, in fact needing some good grub as well since they have been working like dogs at their place of biznaz. They were craving Korean BBQ and so was I... Harm Heung it was or was it Ham Heng? Whatever they call it or however they spell it, I needed Corean BBQ, STAT.

The drive to Duluth is totally worth it because this joint has been serving the Korean expats for over 8 years. They're still going strong because they are doing it right or else you know I will bitch about it if the food tasted like a rag on a stick. I ain't gonna go into all the nose to tail details, so, take a looksie at the purdy pictures. They do more justice than my greasy chicken lips can say...

(Cover of menu. It's so radical.)

(Don't be scared, it's not from a porn set, they mean you no harm, it's blood sausage. Friggin' delish.)

(Table full of crazy tastee shit. Yes, I like to eat shit.)

(Look at this beast. Prok back bone soup. It's a lil spicy and lil rock n roll. Shit was guud.)

(Corean dumplings w/ squid in spicy broth.)

(Fluffy egg souffle thingy.)

(Prok belly and kimchee with pork fat drippings.)

(Holy shizen, look at them short ribz.)

(Ah, the specialty of the houzen- cold noodles.)

(Spicy cold noodles.)

The owner is a pretty cool dude... He's cool like a Corean James Dean. No wonder he has all these movie posters everywhere up in this piece. The decor is pretty rad, too. Oil barrel table stands, tongue & groove flooring cut to fit as table tops, tin sidings, antique this and that placed around the joint. Lurv it!

4 Stars.

3230 Steve Reynolds Blvd
#103
Duluth, GA 30096
(770) 622-9260

KKO KKO CHICKEN & PIZZA

Just a quick and dirty impression on the soft opening (if you wanna call it that). They officially open Monday.

So, on route to a massive Korean BBQ dinner with some chef fwends, I spied this new KFC shop a few doors down...

KKO KKO CHICKEN & PIZZA.

(Tis was dark but that never stopped me from smelling and locating some KFC. Look at how friggin cute that plump little fucker is, holding two of my favorite things: chicken & beer. I hope he knows that he's delivering a family member on that plate to me.)

(The half and half: regular and spicy (hot as EVOS midtown), $15.95)

They have chicken (duh), pastas and pizza. It's a cute little joint with potential (possibly in the future) but right now it's just passable. The chicken is cut up into smaller pieces than I'm used to in KFC. The shapes looks factory cut meaning they all look pretty much the same like chicken McNuggets or something. The coating/batter is crunchy in a grainy kind of way, not my favorite kind for fried chicken... And it's kinda pricey for the portion. The spicy version is fried as well but then coated with this sticky semi spicy goo sprinkled with some crushed peanuts... Even though the owner told me it was "not wet/saucy, spice is in batter". She sounded so proud of her concept that she told me she will be franchising. Hey there, sweet cheeks, don't count your franchises until the loot comes in on your first location. Graze my balls, has the greedy capitalistic ways of fat America been planted into the minds of these young impressionable FOBs already? I think the answer speaks for itself in one word: Yeah!

The Daikon radish cubes that are pretty much standard sides with KFC were heavily salted and tasted like shit. The pizza on the next table looked pretty gnarly. I rather kiss a Wookie. Pass.

The owners were very sweet... But please stop having delusions of grandeur about franchising anytime soon.

Now, I'm craving some of that incredible secwet KFC joint way upstate GA.

No rating.

3230 Steve Reynolds Blvd.
Suite 108
Duluth, GA 30096
678-502-7226

Coco's Chinese Restaurant

Fat Boy has left the building and Coco is cuckoo for fishballs up in this piece.

Although, people have raved about how good Wan Lai was, coming in once every couple of months doesn't pay the bills. I thought the food was good but it wasn't crave worthy for me to come here on a regular basis like Ming's (I don't care if they serve cat, shit is dericious). So, out with the old in with the new. Well, the interior hasn't changed much. Shit looks Edzackery the same .

Some people on the interwebz were saying this was Cantonese grub... Hmm, ok, read the menu next time, whatever. I've been stalking this joint ever since the demise of Wan Lai to see what was coming in. When it finally opened, I had to check out the menu... Fuzhou this, Foochow that and Fujian other, with a little mish-mash of other Chinese cuisines thrown in there for good measure. Oh, fuck, not another try at a Fushit resto in Atlanta. Fuzhou cuisine is mostly full of limp and lifeless dishes. There's no crackle or pop... More like wet firecrackers. Dim Sum Heaven's initial Fuzhou grubbery were sloppy seconds at best (regurgitated funk). They eventually succumb to the powers of pedestrianism and changed out their menu for authentic Chino-American cuisine instead.

Anyhoo, here's the initial impression... Just look at the damn pictures. I'm tired of typing, my finger tips hurt. To keep it authentic, I'm using their native tongue and spelling as is on the menu...

(Check out my nuts. Careful, they're fragile.)

(Taro Pie - Big crispy wedge of compacted Taro powder.)

(Fish Ball Soup - More than meets the eye! May be the only decent Fuzhou dish ever created.)

(Fish Ball - Up close and personal. There's meat inside! No wonder chicks like to swallow. Me too.)

(Roester Duck - Thin, crispy skin, tender meat. Just damn tastee and a great value at $8.50.)

(Chow Fun with Beef - Not bad looking and tasting, could use a little more flava but I liked it.)

(Salt & Pepper Shrimp - Talk about blood flow. They gave me a full head-on. I sucked that head dry. Almost pitched a pant-tent. Shit was dericious.)

(Pickled Mastard with Pork Casserole - Flavors were great but the rice against the claypot needed to be charred a little longer, make that a lot longer. Still tastee nonetheless but shit, dude, do it right next time.)

They had soup dumplings on the menu but they were not available at the time, so, I will definitely hit them up again for them and see how they stack up. BTW- I learned that in order for it to be a real soup dumpling (xiao long bao), it needs to be folded 14 times and super thin skin of course.

The menu is not bad and the food was surprisingly better than I thought, afterall, it was Fuzhou. I hope there's more surprises in store for me next time.

Go check it out. You may be surprised by a dish or two as I have... Or not. I don't care.

3 Stars.

4897 Buford Highway
Suite 104
Chamblee, GA 30340
678-580-3063