Rain

This joint is like a B-movie version of Asian cuisine... The Tara should show this fusion specimen on the silver screen and call it "Tropic Thunder 2" because it ain't Raining your usual suspects, it's pouring them.

Who came up with this menu... Simple Jack? This pedestrian menu reads like a silent movie and it made my eyes Rain. You got Japanese on one side and Thai on the other, I felt like I needed 3-D glasses to see the fusion dishes... And the pathetic wine list should be on a Post-It note. A reminder of what not to serve.

I took a gander at the "sooshee" and my first thought was the ER... Domo arigato but no more Mistor Roboto. Maybe something cooked would be a safe bet here... We shall see.

Spicy Conch and Octopus Salad - Sounds like dining at the "Y". Spicy? My mouthwash had more kick. Conch and octo were old rubbery discs and the portion was sparse. I think the cook cut his finger because the "spicy sauce" looked like blood droplets all over the edge of the plate... A la Emeril. Bam!
Kanom Jeep Dumplings - How many prep cooks were needed to squeeze out four tiny little Thai dumps... Freezer burn flavored dumps swimming in a spoonful of brown liquid aka soy sauce. Splash.
Kai Satay - 5 Chicken stix that had no char, no grill marks, no moisture, no flavor... Just change it to "Okay Stayaway". Peanut sauce by Jiffy. Cock-a-doodle-Doodie.
Basil Beef - One would think a dish with Basil in the name would taste like... Basil. Nah, that would be too easy. Although it was passable, it was just Mongolian beef in disguise. The menu listed 2 chili peppers but had the heat level of 2 snow peas. Moo... Boo.

Green Curry Chicken - Alright, finally something worth eating. While it wasn't stellar, it had decent flavor and real Thai eggplants. But the "bamboos" slices came with "Born On" dates. Freshness was merely a can opener away. Uncanny.

This is like a low budget flick that's difficult to see a second time around because you know exactly how it's gonna end but I'm sure... "I'll see you again tonight in my head movies. But this head movies makes my eyes rain!"

I felt like taking a bath after eating here but if you want a shower, go next door to BJ's, it's a Raining men...

Hallelujah!

3 Star - 2.5 Stars for the grub, .5 star for the gold lobster wine holder (I guess they knew the Shot Caller was in da houz).

2345 Cheshire Bridge Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30324

(404) 325-6963

Fat Philly's Wings & Things

Just looking at the name of the place makes me gain 10 lbs... I know they will hand me a menu and I will say "Yes, please". If you look up "Fat" and "Philthy's" on Urban Dictionary, don't be surprised if you see a picture of my pouch there.

I have been on sammie mode for a while now... banh mis, po'boys, reubens, burgaz, meatball subs and cheezsteaks. Basically, anything between a pair of soft buns. You would think finding a good cheezsteak in da ATL wouldn't be that difficult given all the sammie joints around town. But finding a shop that uses an authentic philty roll is a rare find. This is the only other place I know of that uses Amoroso rolls... So, you know this fatso had to stuff his fat face wit.

Triple Cheez Steak - American, Whiz and provolone... Jesus, if that's not an instant heart attack, you can call me Betty. Just don't call me Al if I don't finish that hog. I must say that they were kinda chincy on the meat... Two thin slices that looked eerily like SteakUms. How da hell is that gonna fill up a 10" roll? Their secret... Don't open the roll fully, just strategically place the mince meat ever so gingerly in the crack of the bread. It is a good cheese steak but don't make me pay for extra meat just to get a proper sammie.

Wings - "Jumbo Wings"? Is that like an oxymoron... Hell, I felt like a moron because these things were from a chicken on crack. I saw crackheads on the corner with bigger fingers. The "Fire Fire" hot sauce was mild but the wings were crispy, I'll give them that.

Other things that will be a must try are the po'boys, fwied seafood and hoagies. I don't get the pasta dishes... Do they even eat pasta in the ghetto? I mean besides from a can.

Instant 3 stars just for having Amoroso rolls.

Burp.

886 Martin L. King Dr., SW
Atlanta, GA 30314

(404) 254-3113

www.fatphillys.net/

The Cajun House

This area is the Staten Island of Atlanta... A wasteland, a dump, a shit hole. You got this run down bullet ridden strip mall across the street that looks like the set from Full Metal Jacket. It's barely standing up from the massive roach and crackhead infestation. But in the middle of all this filth, sits a shanty that delivers passable Cajun grub.

Oyster Po'boy - Verra nice sized deep fried sea snots... Not too shabby for goobers this side of town. The bread wasn't crusty enough but did the trick. It was 'dressed' with your standard fillers (LTM).

Gumbo - No hint of filé powder and definitely no roux... A muddy, watery, amateurish version of this beloved dish. Trick me at least, throw in some arrowroot or cornstarch to thicken it a bit instead of scooping it straight from the toilet. Geez.

Red Beans n Rice - Now we're talking... Creamy red beans and sausage on top of rice. Mmm. This was spot on. How can they do this right and the other sides half ass?

Jambalaya - Not as bad as I thought. But could use more stock to get it to the right consistency. I like my jamba to be a little drippy and served with Fwench bwead to sop up the delicious juices.

Cajun Rice - Decent flavor and one of the better dishes on the menu. How is it that Popeyes' version tasted so much more authentic?

Wings - Nice try but they were very mediocre, soggy and over cooked (how?). When I ask you for the hottest sauce you have, don't ask me if I can handle it. I handled your mom last night and she was a push over. Give me my damn wings HOT right now, woman!

This place ain't bad... They just need to work out a few things, especially the piss bucket gumbo. Not all was lost, I did spy a trailer down the street that said "Sensational Wings"... So I got that going for me.

Dammit Gambit...

2418 Bolton Rd NW
Atlanta, GA 30318

(404) 549-8490

The Porter Beer Bar

If the staff/owners wanted to fit into the L5Ps scene... They really nailed it on the head. The word "dirtbags" comes to mind. The servers were filthy, smelly and lazy. One or two stains on their "company shirts" is fine but is it too much to ask for you to wash it after you used it as a cum rag for the last two weeks? Monica Lewinsky has more class.

The service here is appalling time and time again. Asking for water is like asking for it in the desert... I'll take the Chinese water torture pweez. Taking your order is like talking to special ed kids... Just because they get it down on paper doesn't mean they'll get it to the kitchen. I'm wondering since weekday lunch is half off, does it mean you get half the service as well? It sure seemed like it... And the place was empty.

Mac n Cheez - It was velvety and smooth... The shells held a lot of the cheeziness which was a good thing.

Brandade - This dish wasn't even prepared the proper way... Brandade is a purée of salt cod, olive oil, and milk. Just call it mashed taters with salt cod droppings instead of some fancy Fwench word that most people in L5P never even heard of. This needed more salt, let alone cod...

Reuben - The bwead didn't even looked or tasted like rye. Corned beef you say? I say cornhole bags. This thing was so soggy and greasy, I coulda gweased my axle shaft with it.

Organic Arugula Salad - Did they pick these greens from around the trees in the square where the "locals" piss on? Pickled beets, chevre and almonds... Sure, whatever you say it is.

Fish n Chips - Looked great, tasted like dirty vadge. Over salted fwies and undercooked fish... If I wanted bad sushi, I woulda gone down da stweet to Sweet Lime. But the crust was nice and crispy though.

Kraut n Beer Brats - Have no idea how it tasted... Never got it for the 2nd time I ordered this thing. I'm sure the servers enjoyed it though... Pigs.

Hush Puppies - I just don't get these things... Keep your balls where they belong, either in a sack or your gf's mouth.

I do like this place and their concept works in L5P, imagine what would happen if they decided to go with the French theme... It fits into the hood but a staff shower or two per week wouldn't hurt either. I prefer the "chef" cooking my grub not to be a shoe-in for "Pig Pen" the musical. Like Bill Clinton sez to Hilary after sex... Close but no cigar.

I'm going to say it again: I did not have edible relations with that Porter.

Squirt.

1156 Euclid Ave
Atlanta, GA 31136
(404) 223-0393

www.theporterbeerbar.com

Fresh 4 U Mediterranean

Gyro & pesto pasta.

Wingz.

Wedged between the crack of CVS and Mama Fu's, this little Mediterranean joint hangs out like a dingleberry that is barely visible to the naked eye on Peachtree Street. If you keep pulling on that string and squeeze real hard through the corridor... You'll find a cozy little space that pushes out some tasty grub.

Mom? Dad? I'm home! A true mom and pop shop that is sorely needed in this area of festering, gag inducing slop. I mean c'mon... Jimmy John's? Where the workers are wearing Jimmy Hands while handling your meat and waiting on line for the John while you desperately need to pinch a loaf. At least Piedmont hospital is across the street... Hycolonics are half off this month. Thank baby Jesus for this place, they should put a manger out front with a delicious gyro in it.

Lamb Gyro - Pleasant surprise to see an Autodoner with a big hunk of man meat in a skewer... Roasting on an open heat element. Not a bad version, it was tasty but Al's up the street is better. Pita was nice and thin but held together well. Tzatziki gave it that velvety smoothness to aid in swallowing that beast.

Pesto Pasta - Cute little bowtie pastas that weren't over cooked and bathing in oil and spooge like most places. Sun dried tomatoes and pesto paired up well and didn't make this look like a bowl of ectoplasm.

Stuffed Grape Leaves - Most places either do them too mushy or too dry, this place is spot on. Just enough tooth to these little sacks... I wonder if they came from Eunuchs... Someone hold me, I'ma scared.

Hot Wings - Yeah yeah... Wtf? Wingz at a Medi joint? Why the hades not? I'm a sucker for these things and these were nothing to write home about... I shoulda known better. Told them to make it the hottest they can get it... Almost yelled out Thai hot pweez. Fwies were the regular old run of the mill that came in a brown sack. What can brown do for you? Oh, you know...

Kofta and kobab next time... Burp.

Opa!

1937 Peachtree St
Atlanta, GA 30309

(404) 603-8883

Shrimpee's New Orleans Style Seafood

Fulton County Jail?

The crib.

Italian Hoagie'boy.

Fwied seafood & junk for your trunk.

"Stop eating the crap out of your food."

My interest was piqued and I had to see what the fuss was about after reading their motto. This joint is a hole in the wall... And I love it! This orange shack has more bars on their windows and doors than the Fulton County Jail. It is in Riverside afterall...

I walked in and took a gander at the menu... It's pretty limited and simple but sometimes that means good grub. Shrimp, whiting, catfish, chicken tenders, wings, jambalaya, red beans n rice, and "special" fries.

Shrimp Po'Boy - Their claim to fame... they de-vein the shrimp so you won't eat the "crap" out of your food. Awww, how sweet of y'all not to feed us crap. While the shrimp was decent size and flavorful, the bread was some hybrid cross of Italian hoagie and French baguette. It just didn't have that flaky crust with a soft, airy center. The bwead was craptastic and turned this po'boy into a red headed stepchild... I de-veined the bread and just ate the shrimp.

Shrimpee Combo - Whiting, catfish, shrimp, hush puppies and fwies. I asked if I could substitute the fries for red beans n rice but the guy seemed confused and dumbfounded, so I didn't want to push the limits of the Atlanta public education system. In other words... I didn't want to get shot since I left my heat in the car.
Back to the food, the crinkle cut fries were suppose to be a special brand of fries that they special order and pick up directly from the vendor. I tasted one when it came out nice and hot... It tasted no better than any other joint with the starchy inside and semi crispy outside... Exactly what you expect from frozen fries. The fried fishies, all of them were cut to the same size and you couldn't tell which was which until you ate it, they were nicely coated and fried but just passable on taste. Shrimp was the same as in the po'boy and the hush puppies were just compacted saw dust balls, nothing more than filler.

I really do like this place, they were very friendly and nice... Just a squirrel trying to get a nut. But they need to stick to the basics. Good bread for the po'boy, bigger flavors on the fried seafood and change out the special fries... Until then, I ain't gonna bust a nut over the grub.

PS- They accept "Master card and Visa".

Squirt.

2102B Hollywood Road
Atlanta, GA 30318

(404) 792-2185

www.shrimpees.com

El Pollo Regio

"Shake and Bake? No, never again. From now on, it's El Diablo... It's, like, Spanish for, like, a delicious chicken. It's awesome! But without the claws and a beak!"

Ricky Bobby won't find any crepes here... But the thin pancakes here are called tortillas. They go great with the grilled chicken which is why you're here in the first place. Marinated for hours and slow cooked for hours. The flavors are deep and rich. Order the half or whole, either way, you'll get tortillas, rice, bean soup and 2 salsas. The half is about $7.... Where else can you get a full meal and a dwink at that price? Ok, mebbe on the corner of Boulevard and North...

Tacos Al Pastor - The dirty Pastor smacks you in the nads with 5 kiddie size tacos filled with yummy chunks of pork marinated in a red chili sauce. It ain't too spicy but you can always dump a sack load of hot sauce on it... Just how the Pastor likes it.

Mole Estilo Poblano has been on the DL for some time now... Call before you go if you only want this dish because you're gonna get nothing and like it. It's a tasty version and worth the drive to their other location in Roswell... Dios willing.

This place is cheap as ALDI but you won't find the grub tasting like it's made from FMV slop in a can. This shack is truly the place "For Mexican Value"...

Dear Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Baby Jesus, in your golden, fleece diapers, with your curled-up, fat, balled-up little fists pawin' at the air... Please bring back the chicken mole soon.

Burp!

5499 Buford Highway
Atlanta, GA 30340

(770) 458-9663

www.elpolloregio.com

Cakes and Ale

Every time I put in Dickhater in my GPS, I get nothing except... "Are you sure you're in Georgia?" I'm wondering if it meant Georgia O'Keefe...

I kept putting off this place because of two reasons: 1) the distance 2) the menu (it just didn't wow'd me). I guess it was about time I got deflowered by this joint and see if they can make me moan.

I can never find a good way to get here from midtown and finding parking is tiresome. But once you do it ain't so bad since you can walk to most joints. It's a nice cozy little place, simple and clean... Kinda like the menu.

Rosemary roasted almonds - Who doesn't like nuts with a rosemary scent while they are boozing? I like to store them in my cheeks like a chipmunk in the winter.

Gougères - 3 cheezball pate a choux... Nothing more, nothing less. They just kinda sit there on a boring plate, it might be more fun to put them in a satchel and rub them... Gently.

Potato gnocchi with spicy Italian sausage, olives & tomato sauce - Gnocchi was perfect, bite after bite... The portion size for $17, not so much. C'mon, it's taters, last time I heard there wasn't a 'late blight' in ages or mebbe it's just in their kitchen?

Cakes & Ale burger with fries - Ok, the standard to judge all burgaz in Atlanta should be the 10PM H&F $10 burga/fwies. While the meat was tasty and cooked to temp, the English muffin-esque "bun" killed it. It was dry and mealy. The shoestwing fwies is not even in the same league as the duck fat fwies. Not terrible but just not worth $14.

Cardamom whipped sweet potatoes - Velvety and smooth... Just like my pouch. This was a tasty side dish.

Phatty Cakes - It is what it is... But if I'm gonna get fat eating stuff like this, I rather stuff my piehole with Ho-Ho's or Devil Dogs. They're brown and white as well.

I do like the place because it's locally owned and I hope they stick around for awhile but all I ask is that you give some spark to the creative juices on the menu, if you want me to come again.

Another dwink for the Shot Caller, pweez.

Gulp.

254 W Ponce de Leon Ave
Decatur, GA 30030

(404) 377-7994

www.cakesandalerestaurant.com

Leon's Full Service

I don't know if I really want them to check under my hood or change my oil... But these dipsticks while friendly can top off my fluids, as in my beer, a little quicker. Mebbe this century... And don't charge me $80 per hour to do it, pweez.

The space is fine, decent vibe (worth the drive to Dickhater?) but the menu is like a Japanese bike mechanic at a Harley dealership... It's lost in translation. Might as well rename it to "Ernest Goes to France", a mossback trying too hard to have a cool sounding menu with a mish mash of global flavors that's poorly executed. The name throwing is dizzying... From Benton's, Niman Ranch, Ashley Farms, White Oak Pastures, to PEI.

Various bites were had all around, one taste and that's all you need to know... I would actually lose weight eating here.

Bacon in a glass - Nice smokey flavor and tastee but stop pushing the friggin peanut butter to get that extra dollar outta me. It's worse than Mirza with the mango lassi at Panahar!

Currywurst, grilled, local beef frankfurter, madras curry catsup - WTF, curry catsup? Had to investigate... Yup, taste as lurid as it sounds. The wiener sure was local... From the local Kroger.

Pub frites - Canyon Burger laughs at their fwies. 15 ridiculous dipping sauces that were bland as egg whites. WTF happened to ketchup, mustard or just plain old mayo?

Crispy rabbit tenders, lemon & caper relish, sweet mustard - Everything really does taste like chicken... Touché. This was a real snoozer, just don't pair this dish with a Corona.

Carrot & cilantro hummus, flatbwead, olive oil, mint - For the love of Allah... It's like a giant orange "Question Mark" head on a plate.

Niman Ranch pork osso bucco, roasted butternut squash, braising greens, gordon DIPA jus - Nothing a good pressure cooker can't accomplish in 20 minzies... While tender, it lacked the aromatics of a true veal osso bucco. Amateurish at $14 a pop, I think Alain got "jus'd" on this dish.

White Oak Pastures grass-fed burger, tillamook cheddar, catsup & mustard, bread and butter pickles - Prolly the best thing to come from this garage's kitchen. Imagine that... A good burger at a gastropub?

While it is another nice local addition to the square area... Everything seems to be heading towards the cookie cutter format around here. The uniqueness and individual identity seems to be fading to appease the middling and pedestrian sect. You know it's over when you see kids in here...

Really 2.5 stars but I'll be nice... This time.

Now, wash my windshield.

131 E Ponce De Leon Ave
Decatur, GA 30030

(404) 687-0500

leonsfullservice.com

Chris' Pizza House

"Truly a sight to behold. The Gyro, beaten. The once great Souvlaki, now a study in moppishness. No longer the pouch hungry Spanakopita we've ate so many times before. But a pathetic, washed-up aged ex-Mousaka..."

The service here is truly a study in moppishness... From entering the front door, sitting down, ordering, paying, to leaving this cave. Comcast's Slowskys should do a commercial here.

Gweek Salad - A cup of Crisco oil and a few cwumbs of Feta on Iceberg... Titanic never had it this bad.

Gweek Combo ("Are you hungry?") - Organ meat this in your face can only be Alpo's best. Gyro meat- looked like 3 Beggin' Stwips. Souvlaki- pork, the other red meat. Chicken breast- from a Chicken Hawk. House potatoes - no lemon, oregano, garlic or s&p, Sysco's finest. Pita - Fresh from Publix. Spanakopita - I rather eat a pair of Spanx.

Pizza - WTF? Thanks Easy Bake Oven and Kroger Pizza Pals, you did it again!

After that study in sloppishness on a plate... All I wanted was a cheezburga. How can they not have cheezburgaz? I shoulda just gone to Steak-n-Shake across the lot instead.

Too early for cheeseburger? I looked inside...
Cheezburga, cheezburga, cheezburga, cheezburga, cheezburga, cheezburga, cheezburga, cheezburga, cheezburga, cheezburga, cheezburga, cheezburga, cheezburga.

No Coke, Pepsi.

It's never too early for a cheezburga!

Vlakas.

Splash.

2911 N Druid Hills Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30329

(404) 636-7544

www.chrispizzahouse.com

Uncle Julio's Casa Grande

Uncle, Uncle, Uncle!!!

I give up, Tio... Donde esta mi chips y salsa?

The Herschel's Platter tackled my ass like the border patrol - Chicken enchilada, cheese chile relleno, pork tamale, beef taco al carbon... Served with rice, frijoles a la charra and warm store bought flour tortillas. If you don't pace yourself, you'll end up with the Hershey Squirts.

Wash that hot mess down with a margarita or two... You just might spy Baton Bob do a Swirl and a twirl on a Friday night. Or is that Charo jiggling his churros? Watch out Pink Fury... Coochie, coochie!!!

The entire menu can be summed up in one word: Corporate.
But recently the Tex-Mex fare has been somewhat above average. Attention to ingredients, price/portion ratio and quality control are self evident... Routine, nothing mindblowing. Is this any way, shape or form authentic? Hellz no, but how many gringos have the cojones to venture out to Buford Hwy to get the real deal... Nada.

Translation: Si senor, it's still "safe" for all y'all 'pan blancos' out there.

Asi asi...

1860 Peachtree Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30309

(404) 350-6767

www.unclejulios.com

Pink Pony

Something is starting to rise right now,
Something is starting...oh, wow!

My Little Piny Pony, My Little Pink Pony, My Little Pink Pony Tales!
My Little Pink Pony, My Little Pink Pony, My Little Pink Pony Tales!

Corporate Blvd is our very first stop,
Then let's try the Pony South shop,

My Little Pink Pony, My Little Pink Pony, My Little Pink Pony Tales!
My Little Pink Pony, My Little Pink Pony, My Little Pink Pony Tales!

Samantha Starr, Saphire Blue, Mercedez,
Brandi Morgan, Porsche Lee, and Cleopatra,
Barbie Gold's shaking her coochie,
(girls speaking) Hurry up on over!

My Little Pink Pony, My Little Pink Pony, My Little Pink Pony Tales!
My Little Pink Pony, My Little Pink Pony, My Little Pink Pony Tales!
Chasing Those Little Pink Ponies' Tails!

$500 down the cracks and cleavages in one night... Seen nevermore.

I usually like to be kissed before I get screwed. Thanks for nuthin' hunnies...

Pump.

Pump.

Squirt.

1837 Corporate Blvd NE
Atlanta, GA 30329

(404) 634-6396

Miso Izakaya

What do we get for ten dollars? Every ting you want. Everything? Every ting!

Sittin' at home with my pouch on empty, I got the phone book for a place to eat.
Picked up the telephone and dialed the seven digits.
Yo, this is Fraudie Buddha, are you down with the full menu?
I arrived at their house, opened the door.
Not having no idea of what the kitchen had in store.
I'm like a dog with a treat, IBS without warning.
I have an appetite for Izakayas 'cause Miso ornery.

Oh, Miso ornery... Ohh, Miso ornery... Ohh, Miso ornery...

Me no love you long time.... And here's why:

Butter Clams - 8 tiny boiled frozen clams tossed with onions and watered down butter sweat. Edible but @ $1.12 a piece? ...Eh.

Potato Krokke - "Croquettes" with ground beef... None were found in these instant mashed tater tots. Server sez "It's in there..." as if she was in a 1984 Prego commercial. Here's $5 for the comic relief.

Chirashi - Inverted bowl of sooshee wice on a plate topped with 6 slices of spongy chum. All I could think was... "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" "Sponge FOB Sashimi". $8 plate of fish bait.

Tonkatsu Ramen - Chewy pork belly instead of a fwied pork cutlet with Top Ramen fresh from the bag. It claims a "30 hour broth"... Tasted more like a 30 second broth (mix soup paste with hot water, stir and enjoy!). $10??? I had more defined flavors from a Cup O'Noodles for 50 cents.

2.5 Star.

Meh.

619 Edgewood Avenue
Atlanta, GA 30312

(678) 701-0128

www.tapanese.com