The Flaming Rooster Spicy Chicken & Fish

"Become Flamous! Take the Challenge"

Aww, how cute... Just like how I like my cheekan, flaming. So, I was up in Chattanooga for some event that involved bland food and no whiskey... After that sobering event, I needed something that had intense flavor and fwied cheekan... aka Hot Cheekan. But I was no where near Nashville and Hattie B's ain't open yet in Atlanta. Then I remembered there was a Bolton's in this low rent town. The only problem was that Bolton's changed their name to The Flaming Rooster... Why? Who the fuck knows, but it prolly involved a family dispute and money. So, the menu basically hasn't changed, they still do the spicy dry rub vs. the spicy oil that we all know and love with Nashville Hot Chicken.
I really don't care if it's dry or wet as long as the cheekan is crispy, crunchy, juicy, tender and fucking hot as balls. I had to see what the fuss was about up in this piece and the $1 beers didn't sway my decision to come here, either... Ok, maybe a little bit. But I was here for the cheekan... And I needed my hot chicken fix, STAT. Walked around the building, there's no visible front door just 2 side doors, one on the side and one in the front. Well, I got a 50/50 shot to see which one will open. Ok, it took me two tries to get into this joint. No wonder it was dead in there... No one can figure how to get into the fucking place. Sat at the bar, looked at the menu and grabbed a $1 Corona pony... Too bad they didn't have tequila and a lime or else it woulda been Grizz time. I wasn't in the mood for their 6 wings, no sides, no drinks, hotter than hot dry rub challenge within 5 minzies... But I was in the mood for their Oh Hale Naw spicy level. Let's go get a taste and see how they compare to the previous Bolton's...

This was not the front door but it was colorfully decorated. All the windows out front were tinted like a Vietnamese massage parlor. The pouch better fucking get a happy ending... With a pouch full of spicy yum yums.

My eyeballs went straight to the Hot Meter... From Sprinkle to Oh Hale Naw! Guess what heat level the pouch will be getting... Like there was any question.

Is the cheekan that flaming hot that people just can't take the heat or those were just their only customers? The wall was pretty sparse... Now, my juices were flowing and hope they ain't just pulling my leg about how spicy their chicken is.

Leg Quarter with Oh Hale Naw! spicy level, mac and fries. The color of the dry rub looked pretty formidable... A deep red grainy coating covered every inch of the leg quarter... I was getting excited until I looked over at the mac and gave me instant whiskey dick. It was all dried out and I had more cheese between my toes than the elbows on this plate. The standard crinkle fries were cold, hard and dried out in the center. I could care less about the sides if the chicken delivered the heat as promised. Let's take a closer look at the dry rub and crust...

Looks fucking great doesn't it? Tried to rip the leg and thigh apart and it was like a Bowflex rod... That motherclucker wouldn't break apart, it was like twisting and pulling on a Stretch Armstrong. When I finally twisted that thing apart like bending metal, I was rewarded with an ultra dried out piece of chicken. The meat inside literally shrank into little shards of chicken jerky but the crust stayed perfectly intact to give the illusion it was a succulent piece of chicken that had that perfect crunch to juicy meat ratio. How could something that looked so good on the outside tasted like a mummified clubfoot. Maybe they cooked it in an Easy Bake Oven like you do with Shrinky Dinks. Oh, what about the hottest spicy level you ask? It was a joke, the first bite gave you a nice little kick while you're getting used to the dry rub that makes your throat scratchy, but the heat peaked so quickly after the 3rd or 4th bite, it tasted more and more like Old Bay with extra cayenne added. This coulda been an one off fuck up but I highly doubt it... It seemed like they pre-fried a ton of chicken and stored them in a warm box to be dehydrated for the next life. This piece of chicken looked like it was sitting in the back corner for days. Jesus, that cheekan sucked so much ass... It's almost embarrassing that their entire concept revolves around one thing, hot cheekan, and it failed miserably.

Wings with Sprinkle, green beans. After that leg quarter disaster, I was not expecting much with these wings. I got them with just a sprinkle of the heat just to see if it was the same dry rub but with less applied. I was hoping that it was similar to Popeye's Cajun Sprinkle which is fucking awesome. These wings were a lot better than the leg quarter (read: edible) but they were still kinda dried out. It wasn't total dog shit but I would never order them again just to be on the safe side. The green beans were pedestrian at best and it was the best tasting thing so far... Yeah, it's going that well. Ok, what's the next dish to torture me some more...

Tenders, plain with coleslaw. Ok, let me get this outta the way first, the slaw was average at best and liquidity. The tenders looked pretty decent and plump, it had nice color and a nice crust. I wanted them naked to taste the natural flavor without any seasonings to cover up any short comings. Took a bite and these mothercluckers were also dried out. What the fuck is going on in here... Do they not cook anything to order? I'm still wondering why my order took 30 minzies to get out. I had to use regular old hot sauce just to give it some moisture and that still didn't help much. I'm fucking over it... All of it. I couldn't even give away the leftovers to a hobo outside because there were none, they were all hanging out by the dumpster at Bojangles' down the street... Smart vagrants.

I was really excited to come here hoping for some kick ass ghetto hot cheekan like at Bolton's but the three different kinds of fried chicken and sides sampled were so disappointing that I had to write this up quickly before I purge them out of my memory and out of my flaming rooster lips... I could only imagine what would happen to my bowels if I also had the fish that was fried and dried days ago.

Flush.

3202 Brainerd Rd
Chattanooga, TN 37411
http://flamingrooster.strikingly.com/

Tanaka Ramen

Ramen joints and ramen chains have been sprouting up all over this one horse town last year... They were all "highly anticipated" and the results were some were decent and some were just shameful. The next new gimmick intown is opening up overpriced pho and banh mi shops all around midtown and Buckhead... Which will be as exciting as holding your breath under water in a septic tank.
Noodle soups have always been popular but is the ramen trend slowing down in this town... Fuck no. People will still open up ramen joints thinking there is enough market share to go around. The latest specimen to manifest is Tanaka Ramen in Town Brookhaven in the old Boneheads space that didn't last long which was prolly the biggest bonehead decision to restart a dying concept in an area that Mexican't slop reign supreme.
Enough talk about fake Portuguese/African cuisine, let's get back to the ramen... I like what they did to the space, it's modern, clean, open and prolly cost a shitload to get that piri spunk outta there. First thing I noticed is the staff... All of them were running around like cheekans with their heads lopped off. The host/server broad walks me to the table and before I can even sit down, she was like, are you ready to order? What the fuck? She didn't even give me a menu... Yeah, sure, I'll have the bouillabaisse, a Big Mac and elote. The staff basically had zero training or common sense... Have they never eaten in a restaurant before or do they just go through the drive thru? She walks away and literally comes back in a minute and half and says, are you ready now? I was about to throw the togarashi powder in her eyes but instead, I asked the server if they had booze... She said, what is that? Am I on punked? Beer, brown juice, whiskey, alcohol, even ZIMA... Do you have any? Oh, no, sir, we don't serve alcohol... What the fuck are the cans of beer on the shelf for then? At this point I was exhausted already 3 minzies in... Someone open a window, I can't breathe. I just ordered some apps just to get her away from me. Then another server comes up 30 seconds later and asked if I was ready to order... It's like a fucking episode of Laurel and Hardy. I just put everything in to stop every server from coming over for my order.
3 minutes later, I see a portly little server carrying out a plate of takoyaki and he delivers it to the table next to me that just paid their bill... Guess what they said to Chet? No, take a guess... They all looked at him and shook their heads. He putz'd off with his head down but with his triple chin, he didn't get that far down. And guess who's dish that was... No, take a guess... He comes back 4 minzies later with the same dish and said, did you order this? I said, yeah, like 10 minz ago and I saw you bring it to the table that was getting ready to leave. He was like... Yeah, I couldn't figure out where it should go. Well, thanks for the cold app, Rocky Dennis. Just put it down so I can make fun of it, now...

Takoyaki Octopus. I stared at it... The gimmick to this dish was long gone, the bonito was motionless because the balls were all cold now. If they were flakes of bonito they may still had movement but since they were grated like parmesan they absorbed too much moisture and fell flat like greasy hair. I took a bite and inspected the innards... It was not bad but the pouch's instincts told me that they may be store bought from the freezer aisle. Tried another one and the consistency was exactly the same like processed. I'm pretty sure that these octoballs were frozen factory made... Hey, whatever works for them... But I will be skipping these next time. What's funny is that they served these balls on top of an egg salad... Where's the white bread?

Karaage (Japanese Fried Cheekan). Looked like they fist dredged it in the batter mix (said it had almonds but that's suspect) and pitched it into the fryer like a baseball. They were all stuck together like a chicken tender... Wait, I think they were trying to do Popeyes' Rippin' Cheekan recipe. So, that's what I did.. I ripped it apart to bite sized pieces and dipped it in the generic spicy mayo sauce... I don't know how mayo is a considered a sauce. The crispy crust surrounded pieces of dark meat chicken which was a pleasant surprise knowing that the roundeye area would demand for white meat. They weren't bad but they were not seasoned at all. I would not get these again... That takes a lot of balls for the pouch to skip on fwied cheekan.

Brussels Sprouts Tempura. So, on the menu under the apps section... There's A3. Vegetable or Brussels Sprouts Tempura... And then there's A4. Brussels Sprouts Tempura. Woooh, I just experienced a deja vu... I think there's a glitch in the Matrix. $6 for about 5 or 6 sprouts cut in half... About a buck a piece, it's almost as bad as the $1 a tot at BlueTop. The sprouts were fine, nothing memorable except for the truffle oil they spray on top. If you really need to try it, I ain't gonna stop y'all since I ain't paying for it twice.

Signature Tonkotsu Ramen. They highlight this with a yellow highlighter so you won't miss it. It looked pretty decent when it came out... The soft soy egg was spot on, the color of the pork broth looked creamy and the chashu looked tender. The black garlic oil was sparse hiding under the egg. The amount of "spicy" bean sprouts would be ok if it was pho and they weren't even spicy. The wood ear shrooms were fine but I woulda liked to see some menma in there. Ok, time to test the broth for that collagen stickiness... Took a sip, it was not bad, took another sip, smacked my lips a few times... Nothing. Sipped some more and waited... Smack smack, nothing. Meh, the broth was ok overall a bit on the thin side. Let's get to the ramen noods...

Nothing like poking your sticks into the cease pool and lifting up a giant clump of noodles all stuck together. Pulling apart each noodle one at a time was like getting gum stuck in your hair out. This huge clump was such a disappointment and it just ruined the whole experience. It's obvious that they don't even finish off the noodles in water before putting it in the bowl. I guess Master Tanaka ain't paying attention to his line. The chashu was fine, you get the standard two thinly sliced pork laid on top, but they were stuck together as well. I had to peel them apart like a fucking fruit rollup. For $14, this middling bowl of ramen will fill you up but it's nowhere near craveworthy status to come back for another bowl anytime soon.

Shoyu Garlic Ramen. Looked exactly like their "Signature Tonkotsu"... Seriously, what is the difference between the two bowls besides the little squirt of black garlic oil found in the tonkotsu. The broth didn't even had a hint of garlic or shoyu... But it sure was salty as stated. There will be no doubt that you will be totally full after eating this bowl because you'll be drinking at least 2 or 3 full glasses of water with it. I can already feel the two finga diet coming on before the IBS-D takes on the full effect.

For a brand new ramen joint on a Friday night, the place was barely half full... For the first time, it seemed like the words "highly anticipated" does not apply to a brand new ramen joint in this town. The menu was full of errors and confusing with the make your own ramen, the staff was not trained at all and lacked even the simplest of knowledge of the menu or order taking, and the lack of a booze license made it even worse. Booze always makes an amateur hour experience better. The main draw here, the tonkotsu ramen, was middling and disappointing, especially, given the price point. I don't know how Master Tanaka will fare here in this pueblo where the demographics gravitate towards the Mexican't slop and Hob Slob. I even walked down to There bar and it was a sausage fest... 6 lonely Vienna sausages sitting at the bar crying into their Bud Lights. I wanted to cheer them up by pushing in a hot dog cart and giving them free wieners... But Costco was closed. As for Tanaka Ramen... The ramen craze may have come and gone... Or it could just be the location. I hope he can stay afloat unlike the last tenant... Bless his boneheads heart...

It looks like I'll be crying myself to sleep again tonight but at least it won't be into a cheap glass of Bud Light with sausage.

205 Town Blvd
Ste A205
Atlanta, GA 30319
https://www.tanakaramenatl.com/

Ruchi Bangladeshi Cuisine

On a recent Friday night, I was drinking whiskey alone in my underpants and tube socks while watching Deadpool... Seriously, true story... And it was not a pretty sight, that's why I never turn on the lights. My tiny dump was as dark as the catacombs of Paris. I can't wait for Deadpool 2 to come out... But, for now, I have to settle for watching DP1 over and over again, kinda like how I cry myself to sleep night after night... And asking myself on a daily basis, where did I go wrong in life and how did I get so fat? I can relate to Deadpool's cab driver, Dopinder, and his love for Gita like the pouch's love for Popeyes. And love is a beautiful thing. When you find it, the whole world taste like spicy fwied cheekan. So you gotta hold onto that crispy thigh... Tight. And never let go unless it's down your piehole. Don't make the same mistakes the pouch made with Church's and KFC. Got it? Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga. And what does Miss Mama June taste like? Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss.
Speaking of hot yoga... The pouch can't live on Popeyes alone... Or can it? But on this night the pouch gots the hankering for something spicy and Indian... And I'm not talking about that crafty Bandhu who stole Gita's heart and my box of Popeyes when I wasn't looking. I'm talking about Ruchi Bangladeshi grubbery... Ok, it's not exactly Indian chow technically but close enough. I needed something fiery to spice up my busy Friday night... What? It could happen, the pouch has friends. I don't care what the experts say, imaginary ones do count.
Located in the same space as Rose of India... And with the same exact decor in the same exact spots. Seriously, they didn't make any changes after they took over... Except for the menu. I had no complaints with Rose of India's food but it was nothing craveworthy enough that I had to put it on my rotation, either. But I heard decent things about Ruchi's grub that I had to check it out for myself... It's about time, pouch, you're losing your touch with reporting all that's fit to eat to your one reader. Well, if y'all were as morbidly obeast as I am, then you would know that heavy set people don't move much except to lean to one side to fart... I'm sure my one fan will understand. It takes a lot these days to get me motivated to report back on the new restos because they all sound so generic. Just the same shit wrapped in a different packaging. I read these new restos' menus and I fall asleep... But don't get me wrong, I have been eating out... A lot. I just don't have the time to write them all up because of my fat stubby sausage fingaz. But enough with the words coming outta your mouth, let's get some grub in your mouth, pouch...

Papadum. A nice little freebie treat to start off with. They were crackly and gave something to play with while you waited for your food. The tamarind chutney was a bit on the sweet side but it was way better than the green chutney that was bland as fuck. Let me channel my inner Yelper for a second... If it's fwee, it's for meeee! Next...

Vegetable Shingaara. Triangular puffed pastry stuffed with cubed potatoes, green peas, carrots & mildly spiced herbs. Just fucking call them samosas... Because that's what they really are. And they were pretty sizable like my grandpa's saggy sack hanging out of his shorts. They looked great but what ruined the presentation was that sad ass limp salad. Why, Dopinder, why? Let's take a closer look at this specimen. 

Nice and chunky on inside and the taste was full of flavor which was a nice surprise... And there's that fucking bland ass green chutney making another appearance. Replace it with the sweet tamarind chutney and you'll be ok. It's a worthy snack, I won't make fun of the roundeyes for getting it... Or even eating that pathetic salad.

Chicken 65. Spicy, deep-fried appetizer with chicken slices marinated with garlic & ginger; stir-fried and slightly sautéed with green chili, curry leaves, & special sauce. That was a mouthful wasn't it? And it sure was... It was tasty enough that I couldn't stop eating it. It wasn't spicy but it was pretty addictive... It's not as good as Kabab Express' wet version but this will do. They came out nice and hot, made to order and not straight from the microwave. Don't jinx yourself, pouch...

Naga Morich with lamb... Negasonic Mutton Warhead what? Super spicy Bangladeshi dish with ‘Naga Morich Achaar’ (spicy pickled green chili), garlic, & other spices & herbs. That's a bold claim motherfuckers... Don't ever call anything "super spicy" without the blessing of the pouch. I'll be the judge of this super spicy dish. It kinda looked like Dinty Moore's beef stew at first glance... Until I took a whiff of it. Could it be as spicy as they say? Spooned up a good bit of it on top of the Baashmoti Polao rice and took a nice big bite... C'mon, yo, it ain't that spicy. Oh, pouch, give it a minzie before you speak... And then it hits. A couple of sweat beads started sliding down my topographical mapped face. What's this? Something worthy of praise by the pouch? Perhaps... I will need to eat more before my final verdict. After a few more spoonfuls of the sauce and chunky pieces of lamb... The pouch decrees that this is worthy. It was not as super spicy as stated but I guarantee you that it will be more than most people can handle. This is a warning for all the roundeyes that may be tempted to try this... I had to use a napkin to wipe off some sweat from my fat face. And that says a lot for their execution of this dish... Not too shabby. I wished I had a mango lassi to cool the heat down... Where the fuck are you Mirza? Oh, wait, that's Panahar.

Garlic Naan. Ahh, naan to the rescue to soak up all the Naga Morich Achaar brewing in my bowels. It's a pretty good garlic naan... Well, shit, for $3, it better be.

Dharosh Bhaji. Fresh sliced ‘Dharosh’ (okra) sautéed with ginger, garlic, tomatoes, grilled onion and other spices. They looked burnt at first glance but they were not at all... They may have been purple okra. The dish was pretty good and it's a good contrast to the spicy lamb dish. 

Baashmoti Polao Rice. The perfect vehicle for spicy and saucy dishes.

I didn't know what to expect when I first walked in because there were no ex-pats or brownies eating in here... They were so happy to see me because I look like a Mexican and I was the brownest person to walk in. The only group in the entire joint was a pack of middle-aged single white female office workers getting together after work to complain about work because they are damaged goods and no man will have them. Jesus Christ, pouch, you are so fucking mean! Yeah, so, but not as mean as my Arby's Venison Sandwich review. Don't worry, no one's feelings are being hurt if no one reads this garbage... But that entire table of wrinkled hags were totally unbangable even with the lights off and downing a bot of brown juice. Why am I still doing this blog, again? This is the stupidest blog on the internet and there are a shitload of stupid shit on the worldwideweb. Lucky for me, I only have one reader... The rest of the counter is me re-reading this post to make sure Yelp didn't ban me. But as for this joint, it's worth a visit and I would have no problem going back for a revisit... Maybe with people even next time. How much do friends cost again? Who can use a $1.78 in change...

4847 Peachtree Rd
Atlanta, GA 30341
http://ruchiatlanta.com/

Bad Daddy's Burger Bar

How many more burger joints does this one horse town need... I swear, I am kinda sick of burgers this week because when you're hungry you think you're craving for a juicy satisfying man meat patty between a soft toasty bun... But more often than not, I regret eating that motherfucker afterwards and it usually triggers the two finga diet to expunge that evil cow muffin from the bowels of hell within... Like that fucking new "fresh beef" quarter pounder from Deez Nutz which was worse than a full rectal trumpet. Ok, if the pouch was imbibing generously that day, it wouldn't say no to a burger... And this was prolly how this ridiculous journey to this joint began... Because I don't even remember driving here. It was that kinda day. I just mysteriously appeared at the front door and I saw a bar so I walked in, naturally.
Like most weekends, I start drinking early to wash away the pains of life... And then I get hungry and can never find a place that I want to give them my money. So, to make myself, stuck forevermore in this fatbody bag, feel better, I sometimes stumble upon Yelp to see what new and ridiculous food pics these douchenozzles post. And of course, they are some of the most unappetizing and blurry pictures ever assembled online by these esteemed food critics... Which gives me a reason to keep breathing another day to do just one more review for my one fan, it ain't over till the fat pouch sings. One night, I was clicking around the interwebs looking for the sequel to 2 girls and a cup and the search result led me to a picture of a fat gash eating tater tots and a burger... I was hooked. I had to find out where this place was... And if this pig was still there eating. I don't know if this is normal but I really enjoy watching obeast creastures eat, it's more fun than watching naked midgets finding their way out of a pig pen. So, picture after blurry picture of burgers finally revealed the name of this place... Bad Daddy's Burger Bar. What a fucking stupid name... Sounds like some sicko who's into fat chicks, lotion and slutty lap dogs. Now, their damn burgers have been imprinted on me... I guess I gotta check it out and report back to my one reader.
This is the worst lay out and location for a burger joint. It's located inside an apartment complex that seemed like it was designed by Mr. Magoo... Zero foresight and logistics went into planning this housing project. Finding your way inside is a task, where the fuck is the entrance? Luckily, I was drunk already, so, I let go my conscious self and acted on pouch instinct. Found the parking lot and followed the sounds of breaking glass to a small alleyway where the front or side door was... Do they think they're some kinda of hip speakeasy? The answer is no because there isn't any hip speakeasies anymore, only cheap speakcheesies. Speaking of cheese... Now, I'm kinda curious about their cheeseburgers. The place is like a burger version of Hooters, kinda slutty but the staff doesn't wear pantyhose under gym shorts... They even have wings, but they're $11 for 8 small wings. Fuck that noise. Alright, enough of the lip service already, pouch... Just get to the slop.

Fried Pickles, hand breaded pickles served with traditional ranch dressing. The lengthwise sliced pickles may look good but once they cool down they become flaccid like a wet noodle. This dudebro at the next table looked like he was gonna throw up watching me try to get these floppy pickles into my facehole... I guess it looked I was servicing some John at his POV and angle. These fried pickles were ok but I prefer the pickle chips instead. They stay crispier and easier to eat.

Magic Mushroom Burger, topped with sauteed morels, shitake, chanterelle and oyster mushroom, Swiss cheese, creamy truffle aioli and arugula, with tots. That sounds pretty fucking good doesn't it? Ordered it mid-rare and they were nice enough to cut it down the middle... Too bad they didn't even look at the inside. It's a decent looking burger but I didn't see any pink at first glance, so I may have to make a stink... To the manager and then the bathroom. Let's take a closer look, shall we... That fucking red onion ring sliced down the middle sitting on top of the bun looked so pitiful.

WTF... That doesn't look mid-rare... It looked like it belongs in an urn and driven to the sea and released. That heifer was basically cremated. That was no where near mid-rare... Maybe more like a mid-aged hag and there's nothing pink about either of them meatflaps. Luckily, all the toppings covered most of that disaster but once you put it in your mouth nothing on there could mask the over cooked meatcake once you start chewing. It wasn't terrible but if it was made to the temp as requested it woulda tasted a lot better and more memorable. It may sound good on paper but there is nothing exciting about this burger or any of their other burgers... It's just as generic as any other "chef-driven" burger joint. The tots were pretty good, though, crispy and crunchy... I'm happy to announce that no cases of IBS-D were reported. And sadly, that was the highlight of the night. Y'all know what I'll be doing when I get home... Yep, crying myself to sleep again.

Been there, done that... And another meh experience. Nothing special to report and definitely no need to go back any time soon. But the local yokels seemed to enjoy it... They're all yours, Jed and Jethro. Only one burger joint gets me excited these days... And they are still under the radar after reporting about them awhile ago, that's why I get a blood flow every time I get to go there.

5070 Peachtree Blvd
Chamblee, GA 30341
https://baddaddyburgerbar.com/store/ga/chamblee

Tsingtao Brother

The Chinatown food court hasn't changed much in the last 100 years... That goes for the food shacks, the tasty grub they put out and the low prices. But change is good sometimes... Or is it? When I saw this place being built out awhile ago, I asked a FOB doing the Asian squat behind the counter if they were going to serve the beer with the same name when they open... He looked at me like how people look when you accidentally open the door to an unlocked stall while some dude was pinching a loaf. He was like, go away, fat boy, we have no food now! What the fuck just happened? What kinda ching chong shit was that? I thought it was Long Duk Dong buzzed off his skull for a second there... Turned out it was one of the food court workers taking a snooze break.
When it finally opened for business, I by passed it on two other visits before I grew the nut sack to try this place out. The place and menu just didn't look organized or finished... I took a peek into the kitchen any chance I could and it was sparse back there. They also didn't have that excitement all new places have when they first open... It's like they have been there for a decade and just didn't give a rat's ass about customers. I guess it's time to go in and see what the fuss was about... The numbnut at the counter just stood there and didn't say a goddamn word. I think he was trying to use his ESP to take my order... No, sir, I didn't order a quarter pounder with cheese, I was thinking of Popeyes, do y'all have any spicy? He was not happy with that answer and he finally spoke and asked, what you order? Since, I just ordered a beef chowfun at HK BBQ right before I came here, I should prolly not order another noodle dish... I should order two more noodle dishes! Since, we all know HK BBQ's chowfun is always solid, let's just focus on this new joint's dishes. Let's take a quick first look shall we...

Wok Fried Cheung Fun. I was looking at all the different casseroles they had on the menu but I wasn't feeling it. It was all a blur and then my eyes focused on this dish and I was seriously curious about it. This wok fried cheung fun sounds too similar to chowfun... And I had to have it, I don't care if I have to eat two of the same dish. Then this dish came out and I was pleasantly surprise by how fucking awesome it looked. It was rolled up tube of rice noodles with egg, scallions and bean sprouts... I was so glad I ordered this. The thick tubes of rolled up noodles were just plain dericious... The flavor and texture was heaven... And it didn't even have meat in it. This noodle dish was a total winner. I would get this again and again.

Skewers- lamb, pork belly, chicken hearts, chicken gizzards. I wanted to the try the squid claws but I didn't want anything that I had to crack the shell, it's too messy to eat. So, I just stuck with the meat on a stick that was easier to eat. The lamb and pork belly are pretty standard issue but I had to include the chicken hearts and gizzards which aren't always available at other places. I'll buy that for a dollar... And they all were, what a bargain! The lamb was literally only a couple bites but it was a bit chewy so maybe it was for the better. The flavor and seasoning was tasty but I would skip the lamb next time. The pork belly was good as expected but what pork belly isn't. The hearts were tender and had a great bite to them. The gizzards were all hacked up into unidentifiable scraps but after the first bite, it was unmistakable that they were gizzards with that unique crunch. For a buck each, there's not much to complain about. I'll have to splurge on the squid claws next time, I hope they're worth the $2.50. Oh, they also have free rice, so you could get a shitload of sticks and make a full meal out of it.

Lo Mein. I know I know... What kinda slope are you, pouch? We all know that lo mein is a classic slutty Chino dish for the roundeyes, but lo mein is also a real Chinese dish if skillfully executed by the right hands. Since, everything I have sampled so far was pretty legit... I couldn't help but order it. Plus, so many Mexicans were eating it that I had to try it... The sight of so many Mexi-muffin tops puts me into a trance and I do as they command. It was one of the specials of the day, so, I was curious if they did something different that made it special. For $5, there's no meat in it, just a veggie lo mein. It looked pretty decent but it was kinda bland. After a few bites in, I was put into a state of stupor and I swore I was eating worms... But they were only noodles, Pouch. If you want to fill your sack on the cheap and without any frills, this will do. But I would put the money towards another wok fried cheung fun, that shit is guud.

This new food shack ain't the friendliest or prettiest and it will definitely deter a lot of crackers from walking up to counter but this first sampling was pretty good overall. I need to try the casseroles but the fried cheung fun is a must next time and every time... Along with the chowfun at HK BBQ.

5389 New Peachtree Rd
Chamblee, GA 30341

New Fresh Beef Quarter Pounder with Cheese

Why the fuck do I do shit like this to myself... Well, because I'm a fat fuck for one and two, for the love and approval of my loyal one reader. I don't need a crystal ball to see what will happen in the near future with this specimen... All I need is to look down into my underpants at my one ball to be triple dog dared into this challenge to the 5th IBS-Degree. I really should to be rewarded financially with dangerous stunts like this when dared... But I have to think about my one fan and of course, for the children. I haven't had a Deez Nut's Quarter Pounder since the mid 80's and I haven't wasted another 5 minzies of my measly life since that day... Until now. Jesus, I really don't want to do this, now... Look at the grease spots on the bag... How the fuck did grease penetrate through the box and into the bag? Those spots are bigger than the spots on my liver... That is unpossible! I need another drink before I eat this thing.
Why did I fall for this "Fresh Beef" gimmick from McDonalds? Because I'm a fucking sucka... Ah, shit. Just do a shot of whiskey and get this thing over with, Pouch... I hope I shit my underpants when I'm passed out... At least I won't hear people laughing at me. They will prolly poke me with a stick to wake me up in my own filth.

I'm not lovin' it right about now... This is like the Lost Ark. You know not to stare directly at it when you open it, but curiosity dares you to do it. The 10 minute el bano warning begins when you open the box... This may be the only time I wish there was a dick in that box. Isn't Kwanzaa coming up? Help me, Akeem, I rather eat Cleo's Big Dick, err, I mean Mick... C'mon, Pouch, just do it already you fucking Nancy. It says "Cooked When you Order"... Yeah, right, I call bullshit. That shit came out in like 30 seconds. Why do I even give them the benefit of the doubt... God, I'm so gullible.

I heard Europe's The Final Countdown when I opened the lid... Is this like one of those music cards? Now, I'ma skeered... This is how every Saw movie opens up. If I see a fucking puppet on a tricycle in the corner I'm gonna IBS-D the shit outta this dump. Ok, this sesame bun looked alright, not all smushed up like every MCD sando I have seen. Could they actually take more care in cooking and executing their new fresh beef creasture? Let's pop the hood and take a looksies...

My eyes, my eyes... They burn! It's like opening the hood of a Ferrari 308 to find out that it's just a fucking Pontiac Fiero in disguise. I take back every nice thing I just said about them taking care in executing this cow muffin. Close the hood, motherfucker, there's mothers breast feeding their children in here... These are two images that would instantly kill a raging hard on when you're climbing the rope in gym class. Don't pretend y'all never got a bloodflow while straddling that thick rope, it's like the pee-hard on... It's god's sick joke to humiliate us at the most vulnerable and fragile time of our lives. I lost my dignity and a part of my gym shorts from the coarse rope since that day in gym class, so, that's when I started eating non-stop to fill the void in my heart since I was not very good with the ladies... But I will ravage this ridiculous burger like a flesh light... Squirt.

Y'all have no idea how much strength I had to muster up to not ask them for a temp on their new never frozen quarter pounder... It's prolly best to keep your facehole shut and have it fully cooked. But I had to satisfy my curiosity and gut this beast open Buffalo Bill style to see the inner workings. At first glance, it didn't look that heinous... It actually looked like a real burger, I would stick my dick in that mash potatoes. That is until you took the first bite... The patty was dry and chewy as fuck, as if it was cooked like an hour ago and sitting in their warming trays waiting for it's next sucker to be had. But, what did surprise me was that there were little crispy char bits sprinkled around the patty... It did trick you into thinking this was better than it was for a split second until your brain catches up with processing the data. But make no mistake, this was not worth the $4 you have to shell out for the burger alone... Even if you had a coupon for free fries and a drink with a Quarter Pounder purchase... Which I regretted immediately after. Coupons are a like a triple dog dare and I can't resist after shots of whiskey and a couple of bumps. Just say no, kids... And let the pouch through.

Unlike the McRib, this lackluster "cooked to order fresh beef" burger will never become an annual or anal tradition... Well, the MaCrib ain't nothing special either except for it's elusiveness like that fucking rodent Punxsutawney Phil and the mystery groundhog meat wreaks havoc on the pouch but it's like going to mass on Christmas, you don't want to do it but it's tradition... Or else the priest will make you place the lotion on it's foreskin. Once this exhibit is expunged from my bowels it will be reunited down the shitter with all the other unspeakable gimmicks from the days of yore.

Flush. 

Snackboxe Bistro Lao Street Food

What the fuck is going on in this strip mall all of the sudden? It's been pretty much empty for years with only two major anchors, H Mart and Shoya... Which Shoya has been a favorite of the pouch since the beginning and still is. Now, there's Conch Heaven, Miss Gogi, Kula, Yebisuya for the last few months and more restos are opening up. The two newest ones are Champion Snack House and Snackboxe Bistro Lao street food. Since, some people have been raving about the Lao grub here (not counting the Yelptards, they fucking like anything), it made me curious enough to stop by before I went to H Mart to get some more 2X spicy hot chicken ramen... That is the spiciest instant ramen I have ever had and it's fucking impressive even for the pouch. Hopefully, this joint's grub will be more impressive than a bag of ramen.
Walked in and looked around, the interior was decently built out... Wasn't expecting anything fancy, but it was clean. You order at the counter and they give you a number. The Laos street food menu read well until you notice the prices... $7 for 3 wings? Come the fuck again? I was tempted to order them just so I could rip them a new asshole if they sucked ass but I just had some killer fwied cheekan the other night at Fork in the Road, 6 piece dark with 2 sides for $8.99... And I just couldn't justify spending $7 for 3 whole wings at this supposedly oriental street food joint. I know what y'all are saying, this fat fuck is passing on motherfucking fried chicken? Someone call a doctor, the pouch must be sick in the head. The wings aren't what you come here for anyways... It's the grub that you can't get anywhere else that interests me...
Let's go take a look and see if the Yelptards were right about the food or just spewing the same old shit outta their brown eyes in exchange for free grub... I think we all have a feeling about how this will go...

Khao Chee, sticky rice omelette cakes, pan fried crispy topped with seasoned egg wash, $5. Sounds so fucking good doesn't it? Yeah, until these cow muffin came out... I had these before and I was hoping they were on a stick and grilled with nice bits of char around it. Instead, we get these lightly brushed eggwash sticky rice cakes. There weren't much egg wash or seasoning to these bland ass patties... I had to dip them in chili paste just to wake myself up while eating them. If they were more seasoned I wouldn't have been so disappointed... No wonder no one was ordering these things. Skip these unless you're craving POW scraps... I can't even use the leftover rice to seal my envelopes.

Beef Jerky, Sticky Rice, $8. The jerky looked gorgeous and it tasted as good as it looked. But it doesn't come with sticky rice, that's an extra $2 for a small bag... That's just fucking wrong, mofo, everyone knows oriental jerky should always come with rice. It's like charging extra for rice when you order fried rice. So, this quick street snack will set you back $10... Fool me once... Fuck that noise. It was tasty but not worth it for a few small bites. I. Want. My. Two. Dollars.

Spicy Thum, green papaya salad, $6. I was pretty skeptical on getting a proper papaya salad at a fast causal Lao joint, but I was pretty impressed when this came out. It looked damn decent and not all Americanized. Even some Yelptards who says they can't find real Lao street grub in Atlanta were complaining about how spicy it was... Maybe they should read it first. Yeah, they're "foodies"... Fucking twats. Those numbnuts don't know what spicy is... This had a hint of heat, but just enough for the common palate. For the pouch it wasn't even at 10%. Besides the spice level, the flavors, colors and textures were all in there... I liked how they threw in a few pieces of Thai eggplant. This was a pretty nice specimen of a proper green papaya salad and may be one of the best executed version in this town.

Khao Poon, red curry pork noodle soup, $9. I like poon... Shit, who doesn't like poon. Well, it was either this or the chicken noodle soup... And I'll pick whatever is spicier every time. It's a pretty good portion, prolly one of the few things that feels like you got your money's worth. The best part of this bowl was the little pork on the bone nuggets hidden in the curry broth... The meat literally melted off the bone when you put it in your mouth. The rice noodles and broth were plentiful and once again the flavor, color and texture were all present... But for a red curry broth it was kinda weak... You can always add in some of their special chili paste in there to amp it up a bit. This noodle bowl alone can fill you up... But the marsupial pouch can not live on just one menu item.

$30 for 4 snacks isn't exactly the street food model... It ain't cheap to eat here, especially, when half the dishes I sampled were just average. I know what y'all are thinking... Why didn't you try the LARB, pouch? That's because the word larb is too close to lard... Like my ass. The spicy thum was the best thing I had on this visit and it may get me back in here to try some other pricey snacks... Maybe even the larb if I get properly lubed up with some, no, a lot of brown juice.

6035 Peachtree Road
Doraville, GA 30360
www.snackboxebistro.com

Wait... There's more!

Ok, I couldn't resist stopping by Champion Snack House to see what's going on in there... And it was dead as fuck. The place had a strange feeling and the pouch's spidey senses kicked in. I looked at the menu and pretended to be interested... It was basically Taiwanese style snacks and bento boxes. Since, I already ate a bunch of shit, I didn't want a  fake bento box to depress me any more than I was already... But there's always room for fwied cheekan nuggetz to make me happy again.

Salt & Pepper Popcorn Chicken. They looked pretty decent... The sweet potato starch coating looked a little light on the color, it coulda used another minute in the fryer to give it a little more crunch but it wasn't bad. Shit, I can't say no fried cheekan nuggets... I inhaled these within 2 minzies. Jesus, pouch, you really are a fat fuck... True story.