This is a perfect example of what Americanized grub is... The words "Thai Hot" is as hot as the paper they are printed on. The menu for the masses is so textbook, Raving Blands should franchise them like Flying Shizcuit.
The first location in downtown went down hill pretty much right after they opened. This second location pretty much stayed the same since they opened... At the bottom. I just love how every God damn Thai resto in Atlanta (ITP or OTP) discloses on their menu that if you order Thai Hot, it's your responsibility. Ah, yeah, no shit Sherlock... That's why I have to ask for it at least 5 times to get it through your dense noggin. Please make it the hottest you can... Ever. But what do I get in return? Nothing but a bowl of tepid Exorcist vomit. Isn't it your responsibility as a Thai resto to make shit spicy? I've had spicier Green Slurpees at 7Eleven.
Basil rolls - WTF are these things? Toilet paper rolls for Monchhichis'? Seriously, they looked like mini plastic Thai California rolls. I'm baffled.
Chicken satay - Everyone loves meat on a stick... Except these. They were over cooked, dry, chewy and drenched in satay sauce as a cover up. Btw- Sauce on the side bitches, I like to double dip my meat.
Fried tofu - Can you say store bought? You can almost taste the freezer burn if it wasn't deep fwied to Holy Hell... Holla! Crunch.
Tom yum soup - I think they did the pee pee dance in my bowl. Yum? I don't think so numb nuts. Bland as the corn in my shit. I've had tastier rusty pipe water. Slurp.
Coconut soup - Let's just say it was cloudy white and liquidity. Now, go talks amongst yourselves. Cuckoo nut. Gulp.
Green curry w/ beef - I have yet to see the use of Thai eggplants in a Thai resto in Atlanta. Or curries that actually represents... Curry. Why are all the curries so friggin watered down? They could pass this off as split pea soup. No spice, no nothing... Just a hot green mess. I have smelled spicier diapers. Squirt.
And the service was oblivious... Nothing says service like the server ordering Express jeans online on her iPhone instead of giving me my change. Tip? Here's a tip... Your dumpy fat ass will never fit into those extra slim jeans you just ordered no matter how much you gwease your thighs with curry.
I give up.
Flush.
749 Moreland Ave
C-105
Atlanta, GA 30316
(404) 624-4713
Monday, February 8, 2010
Chef Liu
The Chef Liu crew finally dumped the single-wide for a real address to serve their lovely lumps of soup dumps in the former location of Asam (which sucked ASSam, good riddance). The space has tripled and so has the menu... Along with the prices.
There's a lot of tasty tidbits on the menu and I got to sample only a handful of dishes but it was quite a handful... My pouch was like one giant soup dumpling and these kids running around like fucking Gelflings were really starting to annoy me. Remember what your mama told ya, "Don't run with chopsticks in your hand." ...It's all fun and games until someone pokes my pouch out. Bitches.
Look at the shitload of crap that was ordered. Put a fucking menu in front of me and I'll say only two words: "Yes, please". Damn, I'm feeling like a real fat fuck right about now.
Leek pie - Two tasty plump and golden brown bosoms... They don't break apart and leak like some chincy implant.
Husband n wife - Sliced lung anyone? Yummy... Just like my future ex-wife.
Spicy cold noodles - Kinda like dan dan noodles... not too shabby.
Ja Jiang mein - Noodles were nice but barely any black bean sauce or mince meat... What a disappointment. Just like my life.
Soup dumps - Looked good but some had soup and some did not. Tip to the cook: don't place the dumps touching the side of the bamboo basket, they stick and it breaks when you try to peel it off. No more soup for me. Duh.
Pork dumps - Mmm, prok meat... tastes so good when it hits your lips.
Fish dumps - Pulverized lumps of fish chum that were kinda bland but passable.
Veggie dumps - Guess what's inside? Veggies... whoopdie-doodie.
Zack ordered this dumbass "doughnut in a doughnut" thing... Which I never even heard of before. It was absurd... this 3 cruller creature with a ridiculous tortilla wrapped around it. Looked like some pathetic firecracker gone wrong. Let me tell you, he was happier than a pig in shit.
A teacher once said to me "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go in life." ...I beg to differ, sounds pretty God damn good to me, pal. Stick a fork in me... I'm about to take a dump.
Splash.
5221 Buford Hwy NE
Atlanta, GA 30340
(770) 936-0532
There's a lot of tasty tidbits on the menu and I got to sample only a handful of dishes but it was quite a handful... My pouch was like one giant soup dumpling and these kids running around like fucking Gelflings were really starting to annoy me. Remember what your mama told ya, "Don't run with chopsticks in your hand." ...It's all fun and games until someone pokes my pouch out. Bitches.
Look at the shitload of crap that was ordered. Put a fucking menu in front of me and I'll say only two words: "Yes, please". Damn, I'm feeling like a real fat fuck right about now.
Leek pie - Two tasty plump and golden brown bosoms... They don't break apart and leak like some chincy implant.
Husband n wife - Sliced lung anyone? Yummy... Just like my future ex-wife.
Spicy cold noodles - Kinda like dan dan noodles... not too shabby.
Ja Jiang mein - Noodles were nice but barely any black bean sauce or mince meat... What a disappointment. Just like my life.
Soup dumps - Looked good but some had soup and some did not. Tip to the cook: don't place the dumps touching the side of the bamboo basket, they stick and it breaks when you try to peel it off. No more soup for me. Duh.
Pork dumps - Mmm, prok meat... tastes so good when it hits your lips.
Fish dumps - Pulverized lumps of fish chum that were kinda bland but passable.
Veggie dumps - Guess what's inside? Veggies... whoopdie-doodie.
Zack ordered this dumbass "doughnut in a doughnut" thing... Which I never even heard of before. It was absurd... this 3 cruller creature with a ridiculous tortilla wrapped around it. Looked like some pathetic firecracker gone wrong. Let me tell you, he was happier than a pig in shit.
A teacher once said to me "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go in life." ...I beg to differ, sounds pretty God damn good to me, pal. Stick a fork in me... I'm about to take a dump.
Splash.
5221 Buford Hwy NE
Atlanta, GA 30340
(770) 936-0532
Aurum Lounge
You would think walking into this joint was like the Bocuse d'Or or some shit... But it was more like the Douche d'Or. I kid, I kid... Exception of a few Ed Hardy douchebaggery clown suits, the place is not too shabby. I liked that it was on the ground floor and on a side street... I can't deal with hotel clubs/lounges that you have to valet and take a fucking elevator to. Hate to break it to you... Roof top bars are so 2.5 hours ago.
Anyhoo, back this hole... You guessed it, the theme is gold. Trendy? Yes. Fad? Yes. But does it mean it's for guidos because they love gold chains and pink tank tops? No, not exactly. The crowd was like the Buckhead army that finally grew up. Kinda like the tool next to me at the bar telling his date that they have a great menu. This culinarian doesn't know the difference between Hamas and the Hummus he just ordered. She looked upon him with the gaze of a small rodent. I can only imagine what's going on inside that tiny little head of hers... Going in circles like the gerbil that could on that wheel. I turned him off when I heard the words "Wow, look at all that pita!" ...I pity that fool.
The bartenders were actually pretty nice and noticed that you are there. I have been in the industry way too long and bad service is standard in joints like these. So, it was a nice surprise that they introduced themselves even... +1. I asked if they could make a Moscow Mule. Their answer was yes, but they only have Gosling's ginger beer (at least they have it right?)... +2. The drinks were ok. Price point was average. No cover (not yet) and no smoking... +3.
The liberal use of gold paint on the lamps and furniture with the "drip" effect was borderline gaudy... Kinda like that skank muff grinding the couch. Someone didn't shave properly. I don't know about you but the last thing I want to get is "The Drip" from that stank. Overall, it's a nice addition to the midtown lounge scene... How long will it last? Who knows. But I will definitely hit it up from time to time... Depending on the DJ and what kinda crowd they bring in.
Scratch.
And.
Sniff.
108 8th St
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 815-9426
Anyhoo, back this hole... You guessed it, the theme is gold. Trendy? Yes. Fad? Yes. But does it mean it's for guidos because they love gold chains and pink tank tops? No, not exactly. The crowd was like the Buckhead army that finally grew up. Kinda like the tool next to me at the bar telling his date that they have a great menu. This culinarian doesn't know the difference between Hamas and the Hummus he just ordered. She looked upon him with the gaze of a small rodent. I can only imagine what's going on inside that tiny little head of hers... Going in circles like the gerbil that could on that wheel. I turned him off when I heard the words "Wow, look at all that pita!" ...I pity that fool.
The bartenders were actually pretty nice and noticed that you are there. I have been in the industry way too long and bad service is standard in joints like these. So, it was a nice surprise that they introduced themselves even... +1. I asked if they could make a Moscow Mule. Their answer was yes, but they only have Gosling's ginger beer (at least they have it right?)... +2. The drinks were ok. Price point was average. No cover (not yet) and no smoking... +3.
The liberal use of gold paint on the lamps and furniture with the "drip" effect was borderline gaudy... Kinda like that skank muff grinding the couch. Someone didn't shave properly. I don't know about you but the last thing I want to get is "The Drip" from that stank. Overall, it's a nice addition to the midtown lounge scene... How long will it last? Who knows. But I will definitely hit it up from time to time... Depending on the DJ and what kinda crowd they bring in.
Scratch.
And.
Sniff.
108 8th St
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 815-9426
Sheik Burritos n Kabobs
Yeah yeah, don't get cheeky with me, Sheiky... Atlanta needs another burrito joint as much as I need an anal bleaching. What once was Da Chicago Dog is now a "Cutting Edge Persian / Southwestern Fusion" burrito and kabob shack. There's that word again, "Fusion", I might as well go ahead and " / " my wrists now...
I don't even know anyone who eats burritos anymore... Mebbe except for 8th grade girls trying to impress the JV quarterback on how they can handle that tube steak. All these Cali-style Rito joints are annoying as dick cheese. Especially, that fucking Moe's and their greeting haunts me every time I drive by one... I was scared. No, I was petrified that I was gonna hear "Assalam alaikum!" when I walk through the door.
The owners are super nice and friendly but the "chic menu" is just plain bizarre. No prices but filled with these wacky terms like bad-man-jon, dog style, KP, feast-n-june, sabzi, shirazi and of course, Persian and southwestern style... Am I out of the loop on the latest incest positions? I swear, you just can't make this shit up.
Dirka-Dirka (Persian Style... I'ma scared) - Bits of lamb, bad-man-jon, shirazi, spinach salad and yogurt all piled on a whole wheat pita. I wanna say "Fuck yeah!" but it was filled with so many flavors clashing with one another that I deconstructed it... Because it was a mess to eat. I like ginger in it but it was almost too overpowering. Hmmm... Persian Mule?
Skins Chili - Ah, Oookay, as long as it doesn't include the word "Fore" in it. Overall, it was not too shabby but it coulda used more heat. Well, a lot more heat. The mini corn tortilla chips completed the Southwestern theme... Whatever that means.
Like I said before, it's just plain bizarre... I kinda want to try some more of their wacky stuff but I ain't rushing back just for a burrito.
2.5 Stars.
Dirka dirka, Mohammed Jihad. Haka sherpa-sherpa. Abaka-la.
Ahhh! Dirka dirka dirka!
1877 Piedmont Rd
Atlanta, GA 30324
(404) 815-0227
I don't even know anyone who eats burritos anymore... Mebbe except for 8th grade girls trying to impress the JV quarterback on how they can handle that tube steak. All these Cali-style Rito joints are annoying as dick cheese. Especially, that fucking Moe's and their greeting haunts me every time I drive by one... I was scared. No, I was petrified that I was gonna hear "Assalam alaikum!" when I walk through the door.
The owners are super nice and friendly but the "chic menu" is just plain bizarre. No prices but filled with these wacky terms like bad-man-jon, dog style, KP, feast-n-june, sabzi, shirazi and of course, Persian and southwestern style... Am I out of the loop on the latest incest positions? I swear, you just can't make this shit up.
Dirka-Dirka (Persian Style... I'ma scared) - Bits of lamb, bad-man-jon, shirazi, spinach salad and yogurt all piled on a whole wheat pita. I wanna say "Fuck yeah!" but it was filled with so many flavors clashing with one another that I deconstructed it... Because it was a mess to eat. I like ginger in it but it was almost too overpowering. Hmmm... Persian Mule?
Skins Chili - Ah, Oookay, as long as it doesn't include the word "Fore" in it. Overall, it was not too shabby but it coulda used more heat. Well, a lot more heat. The mini corn tortilla chips completed the Southwestern theme... Whatever that means.
Like I said before, it's just plain bizarre... I kinda want to try some more of their wacky stuff but I ain't rushing back just for a burrito.
2.5 Stars.
Dirka dirka, Mohammed Jihad. Haka sherpa-sherpa. Abaka-la.
Ahhh! Dirka dirka dirka!
1877 Piedmont Rd
Atlanta, GA 30324
(404) 815-0227
Pub 71
This dump is good for one thing only... Taking one.
Bartenders are numb nuts... How hard is it to make a vodka soda? Ginger Ale tastes like Sprite. Draft beers tastes like donkey piss. The well liquors seem like they were from the bottom of one. Kid Rock even laughs at them.
It appears to be a low rent townie hangout... Two words: Ed Hardy. I spied around the room and it's filled with white trash guidos and $2 trailer whores with the manners of a billy goat. This is douchebag central... But without the hot chicks. I guess Thursday night is Community College night.
Not even gonna attempt the menu. There's fish tacos, gyros and fajitas on there for crying out loud... Irish, Mexican, Jewish... It's all Gweek to me. Some things are better left alone.
This place has a smell of funk all over it... It's prolly spooge.
Fromunda.
4058 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, GA 30319
(404) 467-8271
Bartenders are numb nuts... How hard is it to make a vodka soda? Ginger Ale tastes like Sprite. Draft beers tastes like donkey piss. The well liquors seem like they were from the bottom of one. Kid Rock even laughs at them.
It appears to be a low rent townie hangout... Two words: Ed Hardy. I spied around the room and it's filled with white trash guidos and $2 trailer whores with the manners of a billy goat. This is douchebag central... But without the hot chicks. I guess Thursday night is Community College night.
Not even gonna attempt the menu. There's fish tacos, gyros and fajitas on there for crying out loud... Irish, Mexican, Jewish... It's all Gweek to me. Some things are better left alone.
This place has a smell of funk all over it... It's prolly spooge.
Fromunda.
4058 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, GA 30319
(404) 467-8271
Minato Japanese Restaurant
When I stumbled upon this glory hole with 4 and 5 star reviews containing words like "Great", "Freshest", "Stellar" and "Best"... I asked myself "Why have I not been here?". Something smells fishy here and my legs weren't even open... Hmmm, I have to investigate further. Simply put... Has everyone lost their mind? Or am I taking crazy pills?
Sashimi - Oh dear, why is there more parsley than fish in this boat? Sprigs after sprigs of that garnish from the 80's....Dude, stop the madness and what have you been smoking? You got your standard (as in really standard) sashimi assortment but the size of the pieces were perplexing. These were some of the thickest cuts (not slices) of fish flesh I have ever had. Shit, they were sashimi steaks. It was so pedestrian, I thought I was standing at the self-serve sushi fridge at Publix. The fish wasn't bad, it was just boring as fuck. They had otoro but if you saw it, you woulda passed as well... Or pass out like I did.
Baby Octopus - It came out in a dish that you put soy sauce in. 4 tiny baby octopus... From a can. Chewy, tasteless, and a total waste of pouch space. Garnished with what else... Parsley.
Softshell Crab - This just keeps getting better and better... A hacked up crab-like thing that was thrown on a plate with what else, more parsley. Was this a Chia-Crab? Cha cha cha cheesy. This crab has been frozen for the better part of a decade and then defrosted like David Blaine... I bet you he has fresher crabs between his legs than this thing.
Hamachi Kama - Once again, another fucking parsley tree growing out of the plate... Is this a sooshee resto or a Fwench resto? Anyhoo, this thing came out upside down. It looked like a warm mess. It tasted like it was cooked yesterday, reheated in the microwave and used a Zippo to char the fins. The flesh didn't flake, it kinda oozed out like Neosporin. The skin had the feel of latex and none of that crispiness. It was such a let down. Thank God, I got the "small" order.
Uni - Upon inspecting the wooden tray of uni snoozing away happily in the corner of the display case... I decided to get an order (@ $9 a pop). Nothing can get any worse, right? Well, luckily, these gonads were fine and prolly the best things to go in my mouth that night. Imagine that, a pair sea balls... And a sprig of parsley.
Yakisoba - Oh, it's worse... WTF is this shit? When did soba turn into instant ramen noodles for this dish? These noodles were curlier than pubes and tasted like wax. Why is there broccoli in there? Who knows, prolly to keep up with the parsley theme. Slices of chicken that had the consistency of leather. So many unanswered questions that still baffles the mind... Like why isn't there any parsley in here. Just pathetic and incredibly bland. MSG STAT.
While the staff were lovely people who spoke multiple languages (Japanese being not one of them) and were gracious... I just don't know what their fascination with parsley is but I think it's disturbing. Death by parsley is not the way of the Samurai.
I'm not even gonna get into the obligatory miso soup and carrot/ginger salad... One word: Parsley. Oy vey.
Domo arigato for nothing...
Pass the crazy pills.
2697 Spring Rd
Atlanta, GA 30006
(770) 432-6012
Sashimi - Oh dear, why is there more parsley than fish in this boat? Sprigs after sprigs of that garnish from the 80's....Dude, stop the madness and what have you been smoking? You got your standard (as in really standard) sashimi assortment but the size of the pieces were perplexing. These were some of the thickest cuts (not slices) of fish flesh I have ever had. Shit, they were sashimi steaks. It was so pedestrian, I thought I was standing at the self-serve sushi fridge at Publix. The fish wasn't bad, it was just boring as fuck. They had otoro but if you saw it, you woulda passed as well... Or pass out like I did.
Baby Octopus - It came out in a dish that you put soy sauce in. 4 tiny baby octopus... From a can. Chewy, tasteless, and a total waste of pouch space. Garnished with what else... Parsley.
Softshell Crab - This just keeps getting better and better... A hacked up crab-like thing that was thrown on a plate with what else, more parsley. Was this a Chia-Crab? Cha cha cha cheesy. This crab has been frozen for the better part of a decade and then defrosted like David Blaine... I bet you he has fresher crabs between his legs than this thing.
Hamachi Kama - Once again, another fucking parsley tree growing out of the plate... Is this a sooshee resto or a Fwench resto? Anyhoo, this thing came out upside down. It looked like a warm mess. It tasted like it was cooked yesterday, reheated in the microwave and used a Zippo to char the fins. The flesh didn't flake, it kinda oozed out like Neosporin. The skin had the feel of latex and none of that crispiness. It was such a let down. Thank God, I got the "small" order.
Uni - Upon inspecting the wooden tray of uni snoozing away happily in the corner of the display case... I decided to get an order (@ $9 a pop). Nothing can get any worse, right? Well, luckily, these gonads were fine and prolly the best things to go in my mouth that night. Imagine that, a pair sea balls... And a sprig of parsley.
Yakisoba - Oh, it's worse... WTF is this shit? When did soba turn into instant ramen noodles for this dish? These noodles were curlier than pubes and tasted like wax. Why is there broccoli in there? Who knows, prolly to keep up with the parsley theme. Slices of chicken that had the consistency of leather. So many unanswered questions that still baffles the mind... Like why isn't there any parsley in here. Just pathetic and incredibly bland. MSG STAT.
While the staff were lovely people who spoke multiple languages (Japanese being not one of them) and were gracious... I just don't know what their fascination with parsley is but I think it's disturbing. Death by parsley is not the way of the Samurai.
I'm not even gonna get into the obligatory miso soup and carrot/ginger salad... One word: Parsley. Oy vey.
Domo arigato for nothing...
Pass the crazy pills.
2697 Spring Rd
Atlanta, GA 30006
(770) 432-6012
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Now, comes this new-fangled Korean Fusion Burger... If it looks like a burger and smells like a burger, it should taste like a regular old dusty furburger, right? Nah, it's supposed to be a Bulgogi burger. It's got lettuce, tomatoes and special sauce. The taste? Eh... Might as well go for the real thing. This Frankenturdger ain't juicy nor is it flavorful... It's mushy. It just kinda sits there like dog poop... You see it and want to walk around it. It ain't terrible but at $5 for the burger alone, eh, I don't think it needs a revisit.
The fried Twisted Taters are a fun tweat... And yeah, spicy chili all the way. Even you pedestrians can handle it. Go ahead take it for a spin.
This joint is just a gimmick... Once is all you need in a life time. Been there, done that. Even the Platypus feels sorry for you.
Fusion... You failed me again! Fucker.
Quack.