Stout Irish Pub

Stout, Stout, let it all out, these are the beers I can't do without
Come on, I'm talking to you, come on

In prohibition times, you shouldn't have to sell your soul
In black and tan, they really really ought to show
Those one track minds that took your Yuengling Lager
Kiss them hello, you really should jump for joy
You really should shout for joy

Stout, Stout, let it all out, these are the beers I can't do without
Come on, I'm talking to you, come on

They gave you Yuengling, and in return you gave them 'Hell Yeah!'
As cold as ice, I hope we live to tell the tale
I hope we live to tell the tale

Stout, Stout, pass them all out, these are the drinks I can't do without
Come on, I'm slurring to you, come on

And when you've downed your last bottle
If I could change your mind, I'd really love to buy you another
I'd really love to drink another

Stout, Stout, hope y'all don't run out, these are the drinks I can't do without
Come on, I'm still drinking with you, come on

56 E Andrews Dr
Ste 16
Atlanta, GA 30305
(404) 869-1151

www.stoutirishpub.com

Alex's Pan Asian Cuisine

Pan Asian cuisine is a mockery to the modern free world... It is the mud baby of Asian grubbery or just plainly crap in a wok. A mish mash of flavors struggling to be recognized... And you thought you can tell the difference between Asians? Prepare your taste buds for a firework show of mediocrity... It is Norcross afterall.

This former Frontera location is dimly lit and looks like a dusty old saloon in the dayz of yore... Nothing inside has changed except the food (if you can see it in the dark). Mebbe when Obama gets into office he will re-distribute the cuisines back to their respective cultures.

Their claim is "Chinese-Japanese-Thai-Steak-Seafood-Sushi and Fun"... The only thing missing is taste. Try saying all that in one breath, I can't. I'm feeling light-headed, someone open a window quick! Just looking through the menu is painful... Asparagus with Twin Nuts, Chinese Sausage Salad, Shrimp MoonPie, Bangkok Shrimp and Pad Prik. I don't know about you but I don't want my kok Bang'd or Prik'd.

Spicy Flat Noodles - Ok, how bad could that be? It's got shrimp, chicken and beef... And spicy noodles. Yum right? Yeah, like scooping a pail in a river of raw sewage. Noodles so overcooked that it turned to mush, Slimer wouldn't eat it. The shrimp, chix and beef while plentiful were lackluster and devoid of any seasoning except the pile of chili paste mixed in after the fact. I spied a couple jalapenos in there... I was wondering where my side of sour cream and guacamole were.

This joint is as dead as the strip mall it's located in... And the food might as well be too. I had better Oriental chow at the food court at Greenbriar Mall, it's a good sign when there's chicken bones on the curb. There is nothing appealing to the sense here... Because everyone knows that we eat with our eyes first. And my eyes are starting to rain.

Meh.

3466 Holcomb Bridge Rd
Ste AA
Norcross, GA 30092

(770) 209-7889

alexscuisine.com

Waffle House

Screw Flying Biscuit... They should call this joint The Flying Sausage. Literally, my sausage patty flew off my plate... I think it tasted good but who knows at that time in purgatory. Speaking of sausage, there's a lot of it in this shack at 4:30 AM... Dude, cross your legs if you're in a mini skirt or do a Ken-Tucky Chrome, Buffalo Bill style.

"You can put lipstick on a pig, it's still a tranny."

"You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called change. It's still gonna blow you behind da dumpster."

Why am I here....

Duct Tape.

2264 Cheshire Bridge Road N
Atlanta, GA 30324

(404) 634-9414

www.wafflehouse.com

Barker's Red Hots

I'm wondering if the owner is named Bob... Because the price is wrong bitch. Even though the grub was tastee, I don't know if I want to spend $12 for 1 Red Hot (more like Pink Warm), 1 Weck (Not a total Wreck) and 1 MoonPie (Mmmm, Pie)... Again.

I'm not bashing the place but actually enjoyed it. The owners/staff were very friendly which made shelling out over 10 clams for processed meat a lil bit more comforting. It is very clean (proudly displayed 100 point report on the wall) and quality of ingredients looked fresh.

Red Hot - While the mystery meat was good, the preparation was ok. They didn't cook it long enough to give it that char and flavor of the coals. It was warm through but not very juicy. Not bad but I prefer a nice snap of a natural casing.

Grilled Flank Steak on Weck - This was tasty and a decent imitation of a true Beef on Weck. The flank steak was tender but a little too thick... Just stick with a good, juicy and thinly sliced roast beef. The Kummelweck roll on the other hand nailed it, it was a tasty balance of caraway seeds, kosher salt (pretzel salt preferred) and horseradish. A bit pricey for meat, bwead and a tiny pickle. Oh, well... It's for a good cause, my belly.

MoonPie - Enough said... Yum.

I like this joint and will support them when I'm in the area... Otherwise, I'll stick with Nathan's. I second what Ivan mentioned, Papaya King can't be beat.

Burp.

3000 Windy Hill Rd
Ste B-6
Marietta, GA 30067

(770) 272-0407

www.barkersredhots.com

Rise Sushi Lounge

Did I walk into STATS by mistake... Because I needed a 1000 c.c.'s of adrenalin, STAT! This place was as dead as the fish in the display case. The ratio of staff to customers was 14:1... And yet we couldn't get a menu let alone service. The only Asian working was the "sushi chef", who turned out to be the assistant. The "Master Sushi Chef" was nowhere to be found... I think he was applying for a job at Ru San's.

Took a gander at the tired-looking fish in the case and my first thought was... An ex-girlfriend. No Toro, Chutoro or Otoro... Meh. But they did have Uni so I got excited. I wanted to Rise outta my chair and walk out when I saw him pull out a wooden tray of mushy, brown and watery Uni... Was it Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard? My manhood deflated quicker than a 70 year old man when the sushi helper started poking at it with his nose-picking finger... It was disturbing to hear him tell me that it was fwesh. To top it off he states that the "real" sushi chef prepares Uni Nigiri chopped up. WTF?

Actual order of dishes:

Octopus Salad - 4 thinly sliced octopus had decent flavor but the mound of half-way sliced accordion of cucumbers were barely marinated in the "vinaigrette".

Soft Shell Crab - Lightly battered and crispy, not too bad. They left out the wasabi aioli but they included another mound of poorly sliced cucumber in some strange dressing... I think it was shellac.

Sushi/Sashimi Combo - I haven't seen a more pathetic display of sliced fish since the Butcher of Bakersfield. Hacked up like chum... I rather have the skills of a Rabbi behind the counter than this helper's help. I don't know if it was sushi grade or grade school but it tasted pretty much low rent... as in Section 8. The spicy tuna roll was treated in the same fashion of the Uni... A monster mash of tuna giblets seasoned with Taco Bell sauce, c'mon, you gotta think outside the bun when it comes to innovative sushi!

Shrimp Tempura - Nothing Ru San's couldn't handle... It was crispy to say the least. The tempura sauce was some type of witch's brew of salt and more salt... I wished I brought my BaconSalt.

Miso Soup - It was wet... Fragrant like Limberger cheese and tasted like old shoe leather.

Side Salad - It was green... No dressing and a couple dices of wet mushy tomato.

This ass-backwards meal wasn't even worth 50% off... Who ever pays full price for this better get a proper rogering as well. The Dinner Menu was funny like a clown (but crying on the inside), it was merely there to amuse me. Just poor service, quality and execution on all cylinders. They didn't even say goodbye which was fine with me... Less eye contact the better.
1 Star each for the 2 fwee glasses of house wine since they have no liquor license yet.

Sayonara biatches...

Flush.

300 Marietta St
Ste 104
Atlanta, GA 30313
(404) 477-0947

risesushilounge.com

Dogwood Restaurant

Dog-Gone It! You don't have to spend a fortune on a waredrobe to eat here... But try to dress accordingly. The table of Joe Six-Packs from upstate GA had the style coordination of the synchronized swim team in the Special Olympics... When did tight rolled acid washed jeans, knee slapping brown braided belts, denim snap button shirts, molester-stache and LA Tech light gear sneakers come back? They musta been here for the "grits".

The $30 prix fixe menu is less than the minimum political party donation... And you get instant gratification without the fear of being vetoed. You can't write in your choice from the main menu because there is no substitution... Yet. This crib is spacious, modern, so fwesh and so clean clean. So, let's get to the quick and dirty...

Roasted Tomato Soup - Verra tastee, good consistency and flavor, the fwied goat cheese ball melted in my mouth... Yes, I swallowed and licked my lips afterwards.

Buttermilk Fwied Chicken Bweast - A hefty portion, verra good crust, moist and tender inside. It was boneless since I didn't noticed any bones on the corner. Baked mac & cheese was a little too dry, eh, I like it sloppy, gooey and crusty on top kinda like the trannys on the corner of Linden/Courtland. Braised greens were well prepared and tasty... Makes me wonder if the little old lady washing dishes made it.

Maple Cheesecake - A worthy addition to the menu but not even in the same league as Junior's. The portion was enough to feed the whole soup kitchen line down the street.

Logan Turnpike Grits - Lobsta, Shroom and Ham/Pimento - Super creamy, warm and had the right amount of tooth... Are you listening girls? This ain't da Jersey Turnpike kinda grits. No wonder Joe and da Plumbers at the next table came here... This Grit is da Shit.

I don't care if they put lipstick on a Dog, Pig or a Maverick... The food is still good eating here. Especially, the Maverick.

Burp!

565 Peachtree St
Atlanta, GA 30308
(404) 835-1410

www.dogwoodrestaurant.com

The BookHouse Pub

I'm guessing this joint isn't named after the busty chick with the tight sweater in the corner table but rather Twin Peaks' secret hush hush society of vigilantes. I don't know what the puppy smuggler ordered but I'll have what the guys are having... Because this place is full of wood. Literally and Literary.

The MJQ boys did a great job with the all wood theme and I got really excited when I first walked in... No pun intended. But I think they could use a few more books with a name like The BookHouse. The place ain't big by any means but it'll keep the rowdy trolls to a minimum. The outside back patio is spacious like the Mines of Moria and woulda been gweat if summer had just started.

The drink menu is good for a place this size but the impressive food menu has more dishes than tables which is must try on my next visit. It's a great place to grab a dwink and/or bite to eat whether you are hand solo or with fwends. The bartender is friendly but is scared easily like a frightened Monchhichi when there's multiple drink orders. He quickly scurries out for a quick breather on a cancer stick and re-emerges a new and more confident Hobbit. Slinging out dwinks like a veteran crack dealer on Boulevard.

Now, stop reading my ridiculous drunken review and ride your unicorn there! The word is out... Like a gay midget coming out of the cabinet.

736 Ponce DeLeon Ave
Atlanta, GA 30306

(404) 254-1176

www.myspace.com/thebookhousepub