Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Popeyes

Remember the look on Vincent's face when he opened up Marcellus' briefcase? That's the same exact look I had when I opened up this golden fried 10 piece mixed box special from Popeyes. This box is basically the window to my soul... Well, more like window to my pouch but there's not much to see since it's usually filled with fwied cheekan most of the time. I haven't had Popeyes in a long time... Ok, it was a month but that's like a life time in the pouch's universe.
Opening this box up was like gentile yutes opening up presents on Christmas morning... Well, from what I heard anyways because we were too poor to buy Christmas presents since I knew there was no Santa, just a pervy fat slob dressed up with his fly undone at the mall... I still wonder to this day if I was sitting on the arm of the chair or his wooden unit. And maybe being part of the tribe had something to do with not getting any XMAS prizes, too. But celebrating any holiday with a box of Popeyes is accepted across all religions... Instead of celebrating one day with the entire box of this 10 piece mixed, I can celebrate the festival of lights with one piece of cheekan per day. I know what y'all are saying... But there's 10 pieces of cheekan, pouch and Hanukkah is only 8 days long. I know motherfuckers, but there's 9 candles on the Menorah and the 10th piece is for Hanukkah Harry because he's an even fatter fuck than I am. Like a good Hebe, I know how to stretch the price of a single meal at home over 8 days because I don't roll on Shabbos, bitches.
Let's get back on track here... So, Popeyes is running a promo til the end of this month with this 10 piece mixed special for $10. It is a fucking steal... You can't beat that deal with a stick. So, naturally I had to get a box... I thought about getting 3 boxes and sell two to a local restaurant to resell as their own to prospective customers because it's just so good. But in reality I would be eating all 30 pieces if they were sitting in front of me... So, I ended up just getting one box for a rainy day of Stranger Things 2 binge watching. Shit, that 10 piece box will be inhaled way before the 1st episode has even ended. We all know how fucking good Popeyes is already, y'all don't need me to go into details about these gifts from god... But I'm gonna anyways.

10 Piece Mixed Half and Half. I usually just get all spicy but today, I went with half and half... And asked them for 4 handfuls of hot sauce. She's like are you fucking nuts, fatso? I like to paint my cheekan red like the streets of Valencia during La Tomatina... But just much spicier. Jesus, look at the crust on that specimen... It's making me moist all over. Better make sure I have packets of wet naps at the ready for the hot sauce bath about to commence. Yeah, I dump a shitload of hot sauce on the spicy pieces but it's not spicy, it's just merely seasoned to the pouch. The mild is like a blank canvass... So, I basically do the same shit to it as the spicy. The crust is so crispy and not too thick, either... And it holds up to the hot sauce bath. The flesh is so tender and juicy, seasoned so fucking perfectly every time. I love Popeyes so much... I kinda want to have intimate relations with it in my Oval office...AKA the toilet. I don't know what the fuck that means exactly but it's prolly sick coming from the pouch. Bottomline: Popeyes is still the king of fwied cheekan... And Eleven gets to go to the Snow Ball with Mike.

Pump
Pump
Squirt

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear pouch:

I have bad acid reflux and ibsd.

Fried chicken is good for those conditions, no?

thanks

your number one fan

Gastronome said...

the Pops near Wieuca is very good... and yes, fwied cheekan is medically proven on Uranus to alleviate any conditions or symptoms of acid reflux, LSD-D, IBS-D, PTSD, NASA, CCTV, BYOB and any other 4 letter disease.. especially the MUFF-N'TOP disorder.

Pinky said...

Definitely hit the pops if you're ever at LAS

Anonymous said...

I took your advice nome and it did not work out too good for me.

I went take out at the ponce location. Could not wait to get home so started scarfing a couple of legs on the way. My hands were so fucking greasy and it was all over my leather steering wheel.

Fuck it.

I could not control myself. Next, my grubby paw reached for a biscuit and I proceeded to drop crumbs all over the fucking place. I threw the uneaten half biscuit back in the bag.

Wiped my greasy hands on my Wranglers and kept driving home.

About 4 minutes later I started cramping up real bad. Now, I don't know what a menstrual cramp feels like but this was fucking painful, coming in waves. I broke out in chills and a cold sweat. The pain was unbearable and traffic was fucked and I was still at least 15 minutes from home.

Well sir, it didn't much matter because despite my best effort to cagle my way home, my sphincter erupted a liquid blast. I can't really call it a shart, nome, because when I finally got home there wasn't a scintilla of solid to be found. But back to the moment: the first shart, which I prayed to be the last, was simply the cloggy cap of an Elmer's glue bottle being jettisoned into midair. What followed was a series of Vesuvius-like eruptions, each successive blast stronger than before. It easily took me 4-5 blasts to empty the surely cancer festered chamber. At this point, the interior of my car smelled like Black Death. I started gagging but could not "roll down"--does anyone do that anymore?--the windows because it was pouring outside.

I tell you nome it was the most noxious smell I've ever experienced. Indescribable actually. Eye watering affair.

I raced home, tossed my matted briefs in the garbage, threw my battered jeans in the warsh and jumped in the shower.

Later, clean and rested, I found myself on the shitter with the rest of my precious Popeyes, eating and spraying, eating and spraying, waterfall squirts, cramps, the whole magilla.

But at least I had my Pops and was in a safe place.

Popeyes Chicken: I hate you but I can't quit you!

--your number one fan

Gastronome said...

That was pure poetry... I may even use some of it in my wedding vows to my future ex-wife beast... Till sharts do us part our underpants. Viberzi is your new BFF. Squirt. Splash. Flush.

Anonymous said...

Just picked up the Holiday Feast

nom nom