Double Dragon Oakhurst Chinese

Is there a coincidence that the hit video game was created by Taito and this Chino resto was created by Taiyo? Well, we don't know if the grub here will become a smash hit but the old Makan crew quietly opened up a new Chinese joint in Oakhurst... What? Come again... Yeah, I said, Oakhurst because it has such a large Asian population. Well, you kinda gotta give it to them that they had the balls to even attempt this, it's the only Chinese joint in an area which has been pretty much quiet and localized for the last decade or two. But this area is getting more visibility on the food scene with the recent opening of Scout and the media is hyping it up to become the next hip area in this one horse town.
Their focus here is on "The best of American Chinese & Authentic Chinese." Ahh, now, it all makes sense, it ain't for the ex-pats, it's for the roundeyes. Dude, slutty ass Chino paired with authentic ass Chino grub under one roof in the middle of nowhere Oakhurst where the hipster urban farmers roost? Fuck yeah... But I don't fucking believe they will have authentic dishes until I eat it. There's been a lot of talk around the food industry about cuisine and culture appropriation... Luckily, slutty gwailo Chino grub has not been exposed to public shaming yet... Until, now with da pouch. The gimmick here along with the video game name is that they serve slutty American Chinese grub that they grew up eating and fell in love with... Duh, who didn't at some point in their measly lives? After a heavy alcohol fueled night, the only prescription that can cure your fever is more cowbells... Wait, wrong review... Only slutty Chino can cure your hangover and herpes.
Let's take a first look and sample a few morsels shall we...

Smashed Cucumber Pickles. Who smashed these pickles? Maybe the Hulk had the day off or something. The whole thing about Chinese smashed cucumbers is that they absorb the spicy vinegary sauce because they are, well, smashed... Not smashed to a mushy mass but enough that it's broken down enough to act like a sponge. They should be more of a bite size dice instead of these logs. The vinegar sauce was just ok, it was too watery and lacked the intensity of a good sesame oil, toasted sesame seeds and it was missing the garlicky kick and a little heat from Sichuan peppercorns. The addition of a few simple ingredients would have taken this to the next level... Like being flavorful and edible. It was pretty much a watered down version.

Sliced Chinese Pork, garlic soy sauce. They were out of the beef tongue so I got this instead... I'm still wondering how they sold out of the tongue so quickly in this part of town, it's quite baffling. The sliced pork rounds were kinda boring and that garlic soy sauce seemed like they were splashed on there with a spoon and not enough of it. The micro greens garnish was only there for the illusion of height and volume. It's nothing special, overall... Tasted more like boiled meat slices left out to dry on top of a microwave.

Long Beans, black bean sauce. A decent amount of long beans but the black bean sauce was pretty weak. It should be more of a sauce than just a thin coating. It didn't give it that fermented goodness you find in so many other Chino dishes that involve the liberal use of black beans. It's was borderline but acceptable.

Spicy Sichuan Sweetbreads, Rick & Morty Mulan Spicy Sichuan Sauce. I hope this doesn't stay on the menu for 9 more seasons Morty! For $16, this was a tiny morsel of sweetbreads and it tasted like Windex on the finish. Could it be that they found the last remaining cases of that Mulan Sichuan sauce from a closed down McDonalds from the 90's? They shoulda served these sweetbread nuggets in a take out box with the Spicy Sichuan dipping sauce on the side to complete the gimmick. But your best bet is to just skip right over this for something else... I shoulda went with my first instinct and got the spicy Sichuan white fish, instead. But who knows, it coulda been tilapia poached in sriracha ketchup with a spritz of Simple Green.

Five Spice Chicken Nuggets. All this talk about dipping sauce and none is to be found anywhere near these nuggets. I guess I'll have to go out and find more of that Mulan Sichuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty... I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce... I want that Mulan McNugget sauce, Morty! ...9 more seasons until I get that Sichuan dipping sauce, Morty! Well, we saw how well that Mulan sauce worked out on that offal dish above, let's not go for two here. But look at that lame ass presentation... There's a few shreds of lettuce under there but why even bother? I rather you roll up a piece of Chinese newspaper into a cone and toss those nuggets in there. You can't miss the five spice seasoning but the salt was even more heavy handed than the five spice mix. I don't know if they wanted me drink more beer or trying to cure me from the inside out. These nuggets were so plain and boring that I wouldn't even put them on the kiddie menu. There was basically no thought process involved with this during the menu development... Just stick with the Chino hole in the walls, they have excellent greasy as fuck fried chicken nuggets... And they give you nuclear orange HFCS sauce with it, too.

Moo Shu Pork. Why did I even bother with this classic specimen... I can't tell if this was chop suey or moo shuey. It was basically all cheap filler and the brown sauce was so liquidity that it turned the dried out wrapper into a soggy mess breaking apart with every bite. It was salty and it was worse than any slutty version I have ever had. Shit, just get some old tortilla wrappers you have in the bottom draw of your fridge and microwave any leftovers you still have from days ago and slather some hoisin sauce on it and stuff it with said leftovers... Voila, now you got a proper moo shuey. Jesus, I should have just got the damn General Tso's cheekan and Mongolian beef... At least I know what to expect. The next table over loved their moo shuey prok... They ate that shit up like they just came back from an episode of Naked and Afraid... Gwailo survivalists, go figure.

Wrappers. It looked ok when it came out... Until you picked it up and notice all the dusting on it and how dried out it was. The real wrappers are steamed and pliable and strong enough to hold all the goodies inside without tearing apart like moist toilet paper after splashing water all over your ass cheeks.

I can't even say this was the American Chinese grub I grew up eating in NYC... It's definitely not authentic Chino grub by any means. It's almost as comical as the video game. It's like how many levels of awful dishes you must endure before you reach the final stage where Machine Gun Willy will serve you a decent meal... Maybe by then you might just want Willy to pump you full of lead, instead. They got balls to open up a gimmicky American Chinese slop house concept but this wasn't even good in a minimal slutty kinda way. Everything was executed half-assed and it wasn't even close to the Chino hole in the walls... What's worse is that you're gonna pay triple for half of the amount than you would at those dumps. Once the gimmick and novelty wears off... So will the sign above the door to this joint. But you never know with these gwailos... They will eat anything the local rags tell them to and pretend it's the place to be. Wait.. Too late, the roundeyes are swooning all over this joint as we speak. Good, that will keep them away from my new secret Chino hand pulled noodle spot.

350 Mead Rd, Decatur, GA 30030
https://www.doubledragonoakhurst.com/