Holy Cowfish, Fatman! This joint was as cheesy as Burt Ward's one liners in Batman from the 60's. After eating here, you too will look and feel like Adam West struggling to fit into a onesies with a bulge not only in your pants but above your pants as well. Luckily, dadbods and muffin tops are so hot right now. This overly gimmicky chain combines sushi and burgers under one roof... We all have stupid ideas but no one really puts up cold hard cash to open a place like this. This would be something a theme park would do... For the children.
So,why the fuck is the pouch doing this? Does it have a death wish? Maybe it just wanted to experience the glamorous lifestyle of an OTP douche nozzle dining at gimmicky chain restos and then embarrassing themselves on Yelp talking about how amazing it was. All the 5 star reviews made this visit a no brainer by these critically acclaimed food critics. Jesus Christ, that site is full of cheap toolbags... Musta been a sale at Harbor Freight Tools. I have not been back to perimeter mall in over a decade, no need to... What dumb fuck would? Well, you know who... This fat dumb fuck did. I had to sample this sham marriage of convenience where East meets West... Sounds like such an abomination, I'm sold!
Walked in and first thought was this dump looked like the after birth from a Cartoon Network pilot that failed to deliver. It was a miscarriage and a travesty... Don't forget about the total cheese fest all over the walls, everything about this place seemed so CAD generated. The tacky custom parody artwork looked like it was picked out by a member of a boy band. The space is large and there's a lot of staff but getting them to notice you was another ordeal. The place was barely half full and you just sit there and wait and wait for someone to come over. Took about 15 minutes to even get a glass of water... But the table two over received non-stop attention because they were friends with the server. She was literally there every 30 seconds just to hang out. When they left, she pretended to work and reorganized the condiment tray 2 or 3 times, switching the mustard and ketchup bottles back and forth for 15 minzies. Another server dropped a bunch of chips from the Crab Rangoon Dip on the dining room floor on her way to her table and just left it there until a manager mentioned it. It was a total goat rodeo with the staff training and awareness but let's get to the good stuff already... The Frankenstein cuisine. The pouch is a bit skeered about this rather lengthy and extensive menu... The things I do for my one reader...
There is just something wrong with the words sushi and burger next to each other... But the word bar goes with anything, especially, an empty pouch.
The beer/booze list was pretty much standard issue but I did notice Hitachino... Sold!
Big Al's Yellowtail. The most ripped off sushi dish in the entire industry... But this version was so far off the mark from the original Nobu classic that I was even baffled about their menu development stage. Is that yellowtail? Even they wouldn't dare to use the word "hamachi". Why does it look like Scotch tape? Why is it sitting on top of a giant bowl of ice? Picked up a piece of the translucent "yellowtail" that looked like they used a drywall saw to slice it and dipped it in the "ponzu"... And it was totally tasteless, even the jalapeno. How the fuck can this be? Scotch tape has more flavor. Maybe all the ice numbed the flavor of the bluegill, err, yellowtail... I laughed on the inside when they told me they source the best sushi grade fish in the biz... Must be from Tsukiji, Ohio. I must admit, one of the manager was very nice and replaced this bowl with another properly prepared one... Sadly, it wasn't any better. At least it didn't smell like chemicals.
Sweet Shrimp. Asked the server if they had sweet shrimp which is one of my favorite sea creastures to eat... She replied, I don't know what sweet shrimp is but we have cooked shrimp... Eddy shrimp. You mean ebi? I didn't know they started to name their sooshee like it was a cartoon show. I literally went up to the sushi bar to see if they had it, yep, a big box of it filled to the top... This was obviously not a sweet shrimp type of crowd. It surprised me when it came out, it looked quite impressive actually... The only fuck up was that they used a heavy tempura batter on the heads instead of dusting it with a flour/cornstarch blend. But the tomalley inside the heads stayed intact and gooey good, a plus. The shrimp itself had a slight off putting smell to it but it tasted fine. I wasn't expecting proper execution here but it was passable in a suburban pedestrian kinda way.
Premium Combo Platter. 7 piece mix of seasonal sashimi, 4 pieces of seasonal nigiri, 4 piece Mrs. Woodbury’s Fresh Find and spicy tuna poke with salmon and yellowtail. If I'm making the trek all the way up to upstate Georgia, you know goddamn well I'm going for the prized platter of sashimi and nigiri. Too bad when it came out, it turned out to be a real snoozer... I coulda got a couple boxes of sushi from Publix and arranged it the same way on the same square plate... Sans giant ice bowl. Funny, this plate shoulda been the plate to use for their Big Al's Yellowtail. Ok, the bright color of the tuna and salmon were the standouts because it must be their prime "season" but the selection of sashimi and nigiri was the exact same thing, no- variety, selection, toro, octopus, shrimp, shima aji, scallop, mackerel, unagi, snapper, halibut, etc etc... Did I order the kid's premium combo of the safest child friendly fish ever? The entire premium plate had 3 fish on it and some avocado... But the "yellowtail" here looked a bit healthier this time around. The sushi rice was unseasoned and bland, I had to load it up with the wasabi for any kind of flavor. Once again, the fucking sashimi is frozen on ice again, rock hard... Shit, at least put a popsicle stick in the sashimi so I can lick it like one. The poke was just a slimy semi-spicy mess... Reminds me of the stuff I used to clean out on the bottom of my aquarium when I was a kid... Those motherfucking goldfish can shit like a baby. The Mrs. Woodbury's Fresh Find roll looked like it was stored up her vajayjay a bit too long and it has turned for the worse. How this was a premium combo platter is beyond me... I really didn't expect to find superior sooshee in this cartoonish chain but seriously, Publix sushi destroys this place.
Fusion Specialty Bento Box. Mini-burger of the week, sweet potato fries, Thai cucumbers, edamame and choice of a 4 piece eeZ Rainbow. Fuck, y'all knew I had to do this... To get a feel for their skillz across their broad spectrum of cuisines. Look at that fucking burger or slider, whatever the fuck that is... Perhaps a dachshund's turd on a King's Hawaiian. That peanut shell shaped burger was overcooked like a lump of coal with a squirt bleu cheese on top. The edamame was cold and salt-free, the Thai cukes were drown in sugar watery vinegar, the sweet tater fries woulda been 100 times better if they gave you Arby's curly fries instead and the eeZ Rainbow roll was covered in this tasteless jizzlobbery mess, it was like eating a half melted giant marshmallow. This was a very special bento box in a Corky kinda way... Only a demented genius could dream up something like this where nothing actually worked together... I have seen meals at a soup kitchen with more thought and talent. Where is Jamie Oliver when you need him... He wouldn't even serve this at an elementary school lunch. Do people really think this was a good idea? I felt like I was back in jail when this came out... Shit, whoever came up with this should be in jail and fed this everyday for a month.
This joint may be the final nail in the coffin for me and the perimeter mall restos... They all sucked before and they all still suck now. But they do have their fans, though, and in droves... Pedestrians love mall chain restos, they really fucking do. If you sit back and watch from afar, it's like a slaughter house, they all stand in line huddled up in packs waiting to be axed off one by one. The staff training here was either non-existent or the staff just didn't give a fuck. The handful of managers running around the place had their hands full even with walkie talkies so they can stay on top of problems... They were doing their best and after speaking briefly with them since we had such bad service, they asked me if I knew any good servers they could hire which was kinda funny. The sushi cooks and line cooks were in the weeds constantly, running all over the place, I kinda felt bad for them because they had to make such fucked up looking dishes. When the check arrived, it was all taken care of on behalf of the managers... I said, this was not acceptable, I pay for all my meals. The manager replied, it's done and don't make me go back there and push a bunch of buttons on the POS, again. I don't know why they did it and while I appreciate their gesture, I don't like taking free shit... So, I left about the same amount of the meal in tips and handed it over to the manager. Nothing will stop me from giving my one fan the truth! For me, the food was just not worth coming back for again, but it doesn't matter what I think, they will still have their dedicated demographics (aka people with the palate of a billy goat)... Go for yourself and you will see what I mean. #cowfishlivesmatter.
Anyone want the free gift card I got on the way out? *crickets* ...I thought so.
4400 Ashford Dunwoody Road
Atlanta, GA 30346
http://www.thecowfish.com
3 comments:
I want the gift card! Maybe i can use it at Robeks? Luv the one on Sepulveda and the only one in the A is at perimeter....imma scurred.
I'm a monster but I actually enjoyed that place, though we were there on opening week so maybe they've already begun their rapid descent. I'll take that card, though!
Ha! I just "tried" to eat at Cowfish - similar experience as yours, but I didn't get a chance to try the food. The hostess seated me at the sushi bar as server upon server passed by me. I waited 10 minutes - no one came over to say hello, not a glass of water, nothing. There were plenty of servers and the place was not even a quarter full. One of the cooks even noticed me sitting sans service and called for a waiter. 5 more minutes...nothing. I got up and left. One waiter tried to stop me on the way out, apologizing and offering me a gift card. No thanks! They won't stay in business long with that kind of service. Suck ass.
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