Pouch Eats Again

Y'all motherfuckers thought I was gone, huh? Y'all thought this fat fuck has finally disappeared into the obscurity of crackerland Florida for good or perhaps imploded like a small plump planet in a blackhole. Well, I'm prolly talking to myself again but I didn't disappear... I was just boozing heavily solo in my studio apt (that's the polite way of saying I live in a cardboard box) to distance myself from the reality that I'm just a fat slob of little weight in life... If that's not an oxymoron, I don't know what is. I still remember what the dean of my college said to me one day... "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son." Obviously, I didn't take his advice... So, I fucked his fat wife like a boss with some assistance from flour, you know, to locate the wet spots. But enough of my trivial college memories... Let's just eat.

Le Fat.

In honor of the creator of the infamous General Tso's cheekan dish... Guy Wong's mom has pulled this old school recipe out of the family's dusty recipe box and brought it back out only for one night... That's not the only thing she has pulled out, oh snap. The mom jokes never goes out of style... Kinda like this dish. This ultra Americanized staple even brought out Usher, he likes to eat by himself, too. We really should be BFFs. Behold- The most beloved slutty Chino dish of all time... I give you... The General Slut's cheekan! Minus the broccoli. But I actually prefer the green peppers, carrots and onions with a few red chili peppers tossed in there... I lurv having my nuggets tossed, especially, from behind. Speaking of which, the thigh meat- breaded and deep fried nuggets were crispy, crunchy and oh so sweet in the semi spicy brown sauce. Jesus, this brings me back to my childhood or just last weekend after inhaling gallons of brown juice... What better way to nurse a hangover and a deprived childhood than with fwied cheekan nuggets in brown sauce. It will all come out looking the same way it did going in anyways. This dish was so sluttily good that I gobbled up the whole thing in 3 minzies, along with a few cocktails of brown juice... Hence, the vicious cycle repeats itself.


Ticonderoga Club.

Chuck Wagon. It ain't the Ol' 96er but this Ol' 48er will do. It ain't cheap at $72 but sometimes you just gotta splurge on an incredibly well executed piece of manmeat that will make you and 3 friends squirt... Yes, this hunky manmeat can easily feed 4 but for da pouch it prefers to sharing it with an imaginary friend. One for you, two for me...

Salad of Italian parsley and shaved red onions with wort and horseradish... Pairs well to balance off the fat rich buttery garlicky manmeat slices.


Ah Ma.

3 Cup Cheekan Wangz. There's nothing 3 cup about them but they were pretty tasty drenched with the sweet brown sauce.

S&P Cheekan Nuggets. These got worse over time... Thick chunky dry nuggets with barely any seasoning to them. Skip them... Snooze.

Pig Ears. These meat fries are just plain good... Crispy, chewy and meaty. I wished the Midtown Art center would serve these... They would be so good with a beer watching Saw XI. They are like popcorn to me.

Cold Sliced Beef Shank. I liked this, I woulda loved it if the chili sauce was more spicy. It's a gorgeous sight. Tender, flavorful and just has a great bite, chew and color to it.

Pork Belly Bao. I'm so over the steam bun fad, but I'm also a sucka for it every time... It's a decent pork belly bun, nothing really that special but it's a good pouch filler.

Beef Tendon Noodle Soup. Nice big chunks of tender tendons, beef and the wheat noodles were nice and toothy. The clear broth is on the lighter side but it worked well with the chunky ingredients.


Miracle on Ponce.

Patatas Navidad, Spanish omelet layered with potato and egg. Nothing really special but the chorizo on the side were pretty good... They tasted like Chinese wax sausages.

Holiday Greens, brussels and chorizo. Not a bad little dish... Brussels always pairs well with bacon or fatty types of meat like the chorizo here.

Yippie Ki Yay Mother Fucker! and Snowball Old Fashioned. The Santa trouser cock was tasty but the snowball sucked up all the brown juice and you had to wait for it to melt to drink it, by then it was all watered down. Ask them to put ice in it instead.

Jingle Ball Nog. I don't really make or drink this shit, but it's an acceptable egg nog I guess.

Elky Style... Pump pump squirt!


Best BBQ.

The satellite location of Best BBQ in the shuttered Asian Supermarket is still open for biz while new management is conjuring up a sequel of the Asian Supermarket. The grub here is pricey for a food stall and the quality is hit or miss, pretty inconsistent but on this visit they were spot on with the plump ass wonton noodle soup and the pork and 1000 year old egg congee... The most premier of dynamic duos for a hangover or long night of partying with hookers.


I-CE-NY.

Thai style rolled ice cream has seen some success in this one horse town... Ok, there's only two places that does it. It's such a fucking gimmick but chicks who are obsessed with Hello Kitty and small children love this shit... And don't forget every single fob, too.

Overpriced and really not that interesting. It's like something you would find at a theme park... And you will pay out your ass for this just to shut your screaming entitled fucking kid up. It's prolly worth it, though.


I don't usually put shit up that I make at home but this was worth it... Lobster risotto. Look at the pics, be mesmerized... Go ahead and drink it all in... It was fucking rad.

I may have made a Freudian slip here... And revealed a subconscious thought about eating lobster claw cocks... But the 3 sausage 'balls' was a homage to the 3 titty mutant in Total Recall... Or maybe I just like posing the lobster claw like it's giving me the finger. Fuck you, lobster!

I'm so fat, I made it 4 times... If you eat one bowl at a time, in the dark, it makes you think like you're just eating one bowl on repeat.


Alright, motherfuckers... Go home and yank your cranks to the Victoria Secret's show. I got more feeding to do so my one reader can live vicariously and portly through me... I drink and I know things.

Big Wong BBQ & Grill

City Farmers Market has been killing it since they opened and the Asian Supermarket down the street that took over Ranch 99's old space has gone belly up within months but now there's a sign up that says it's under new management and reopening. Both of these newer Asian markets have tiny food court options but City Farmers Market never had a Chino BBQ joint like Best BBQ at Asian Supermarket which all the food stalls there are ultra depressing. Best BBQ used to be amazing up at The Great Wall but it has fallen big time, stopped all dimsum and racking up another failing health score. Best BBQ's second location at the Asian Supermarket was a great addition intown until I saw the overpriced menu and the food was just not as good, either, with Ming's being literally around the corner with so much better quality for a bit less.
So, Big Wong BBQ opened a second location at the City Farmers Market... Their original location at Hong Kong Supermarket on Jimmy Carter is pretty good but sometimes inconsistent. Who the fuck wanna drive all the way up there to gamble on Chino BBQ if it was gonna be either hit or miss... The new sister location is pretty large with plenty of tables inside. Skip the gwailo menu and steam trays and go for the good stuff... I wanted to try the BBQ but the selection was weak, just scraps, they sold out of most of the good stuff, so, I went for the cozy homey dishes which are always a good gauge of the quality and execution.

Wonton Noodle Soup. Doesn't look too shabby... Plump wontons, aromatic broth, nice greenery. First, the wontons... Nice thin skin wrappers, a tad bit overcooked but with an acceptable mushiness and bite. The shrimp is rough chopped and mixed with some water down pork filler... It's plump but the bite is not what you expect for a prized wonton, the filler kinda falls apart instead of having a nice snap on a whole shrimp inside. The broth smells nice but could be a bit richer with the the shrimp essence. The noodles were surprisingly springy and had a nice tooth to it, they were better than expected. It's a good bowl of wonton noodle soup but not outstanding. I would hit it if shopping here.

Beef Noodle Soup. Fragrant, rich color, tender looking beef belly pieces... The first sip of broth was rich and flavorful. The bite of the beef belly were tender and pulled apart easily. The radishes were tender but had a firm bite. The noodles were the same as the wonton noodles which were pretty good. Overall, this was a nice bowl of beef noodle soup... You definitely will want a big bowl of it in this nasty cold wet weather.

Beef Chowfun. This took awhile to come out, so, I'm thinking they are doing this to order... Good. I hate re-wok'd used chowfun (just fucking with yaz). The color was good, they didn't over sauce this to hell. The slices of beef were tender, a couple pieces were gristly but that's what you're gonna expect. The rice noodles were the wider ones which are preferred. This was a very decent specimen and I would get it again.

The dishes sampled were all totally acceptable and pretty tasty overall. Some tweaks are needed but nothing major. I will have to come back earlier next time and try out some of their fresh BBQ meats before they run out or just have scraps left... No one likes scraps... Except your mother. Oh snap.


5000 Buford Hwy NE
Chamblee, GA 30341

Dragonfly Robata Grill & Sushi

Sushi and Orlando just doesn't sound right together... All I can think of is a California roll with Mickey Mouse ears on it and paying $28 for this garbage. So, there's an area called "Doctor Phillips" near Orlando.... Only in Florida where they will name an area after a Doctor. I wished Michigan had an area called "Doctor Detroit", the city of badass pimps, that would be so rad. But Dr. Phillips has a resto called Dragonfly Modern Izakaya & Sushi but they have now changed the name to Dragonfly Robata Grill & Sushi. Sushi is one thing but an Izakaya down here? Do they even know what the fuck an Izakaya is? I can understand why they changed the name to robata now. And don't even fucking ask where the flat top and onion volcano is, let alone if there is an egg in your toque... Just don't. It's robata not teppan or as whities would like to think hibachi. The name may have changed but the menu have stayed pretty much the same... Like their two other locations. Let's take a look at the Izakaya, err, I mean tapas... I know it's prolly gonna be gaijin as fuck but what the hell, I need some new beat off material for this ridiculously crass blog... And I'm down in Florida to get it. Pathetic, yes... Let's see if this joint is as pitiful as the pouch. I'm just gonna let the pics speak for itself... WTF? The cheekan lips has nothing to say? Just be glad for some peace and quiet... Enjoy the silence, break the fasting..

Sake Blossom and Bloody Hot Haraguchi.

Wakame.

Crunch Roll.

Box Sushi, tuna and salmon.

Chicken Thigh Karaage.

Spicy Kobachi Handroll.

Crispy Pig Ears.

Garlic Crab Fried Rice.

Steamed Buns, braised ribs and braised pork belly.

 Hamachi Kama. I must say this was surprisingly well executed.

Satori, snow crab delight, scallion, green & red bell pepper, cilantro, avocado, yellowtail, garlic chip, jalapeño, garlic sauce.

Pork Cheek.

Beef Tongue.

Duck.

Jesus, this fat fuck did it again... You can't just eat one... Can you, pouch? You gotta order half the menu. But it was worth it... It ain't the best Izakaya but they're trying for where they are located. I think it's cute they're bringing more adventurous Japanese cuisine to the Florida crackers. I liked what they're trying to do here, so... Carry on. I might even make another appearance the next time I'm down here with Doctor Detroit... And Mom.


7972 Via Dellagio Way
Orlando, FL 32819
http://www.dragonflyrestaurants.com/orlando-florida/

Bosphorous Turkish Cuisine

When I think of Orlando... I think like a fat person with a slobby grin on their chubby checks thinking about every single chain restaurant that is available within a 5 mile smell radius. So, that's why sometimes you gotta get away from all the Clark Griswolds waiting in line for unlimited soup and breadsticks. Winter Park is a nice area of Orlando that is not too touristy, it's a pretty affluent area with businesses, fancy shops and restos all within walking distance in downtown Winter Park... Basically, your standard rich white hood. And the only gangs you will find here are the stroller gang. They are armed and dangerous... With pacifiers, dirty diapers and milk sucking machine guns. Walking on the sidewalk with all these wheeled thugs is like a NFL practice drill. You gotta stick and move. I ducked into the first joint I saw and was surprised that it was a Turkish resto... What?! A Turkish resto here in whitieville? This can't be... I need to examine this specimen closer...

Lavas Hollow Bread. It's like the puffer fish of bread. Giant ball of bread that you rip apart and shove in your facehole.

Cracked Wheat Patties, A traditional Central Anatolian dish made of ground lamb, onion, bulgur wheat, walnuts and herbs, hand formed and fried to a golden brown. You can play Nerf football with these things.

Fried Liver, tender, hand-breaded beef liver pan-fried and served over sautéed fries and freshly sliced red onions. I don't know what sauteed fries are but these look like crinkle cut deep fried fries with seasoning on top.

Falafel, chickpeas, celery, parsley and green onions tossed in spices and lightly fried. A bit dry but that's what you get for being a vegan... Too bad it was deep fried in lard. Suckaz!

Sigara Boregi, crispy filo dough stuffed with creamy feta cheese and parsley. Think turkish egg rolls.

Mixed Appetizer, A combination of Humus, Babaganoush, Sautéed Eggplant, Tabbuli, Ezme, Tarama, Haydari and Zetinyagli Yaprak Dolm. Is that Engrish? Fuck no... It's Dothraki.

White Bean Salad- White beans, tomatoes, bell pepper and parsley, topped with a hard boiled egg, kalamata olives and a freshly made vinaigrette. You know what they say, beans beans they're good for your heart, the more you eat the more you shit your pants...

Turkish Style Pizza- freshly ground lamb blended with peppers, tomatoes, parsley and fresh herbs
on thin crusted dough. Jesus Christ, this looks like the chunks of skin I pulled off after the road rash I got from a mountain biking crash... But this tasted a lot better.

Lamb Sis Kebap- skewers of tender lamb marinated in our chef’s unique seasonings and char grilled to perfection. Mistor Hanky, are you comfortable? More rice bedding perhaps?

Doner Kebap- tender lamb, grilled vertically and thinly sliced. So many meat flaps, so little time and pouch space.

Okra Saute- fresh okra cooked with red & green peppers, onions and garlic in a savory tomato sauce. Served with rice pilaf.

Bosphorous Mule-Tito’s Vodka, Bungalow 23 Pear Ginger mixer, fresh ginger, club sod.

Izmir Iced Tea- Wild Turkey ı0ı Rye, freshly brewed Turkish tea, pomegranate molasses, fresh mint, Gosling’s Ginger Beer.

This joint was surprisingly good. Everything was vibrant in color and tasted pretty good. I would come back here and try the other two items that I didn't get.

108 S Park Ave 
Winter Park, FL 32789
http://bosphorousrestaurant.com/

Michael Ali's Coal Fired Pizza

Winter Garden's Plant Street Market is one of the many food halls that have been popping up across the nation. Food halls are the it trend right now... They have their positives and negatives. Some food halls consist of overpriced slop shops that tourists buy into hook line and sinker. And other food halls try to have quality shit in them. This small food hall in this up and coming hipster town in Florida is the home base of the Crooked Can Brewing Company. They are the anchor for this food hall. The beers are pretty decent here but what about the food in the hall... There's a crappy sushi stall, a vegan stall, a juice bar, a gourmet chocolatier, a butcher, a bakery, a paleteria, a grill joint and of course... A 'ZA joint.
This one is special, though... It's an all coal fired oven... Hmmm, just like Lombardi's? Fuck no, they ain't got a 100+ year old brick oven built into the building... They got a modern standard issued wood burning oven that can use coal or wood or even a mix of the two. But they strictly only use coal. Hmmm, sounds like a challenge for da pouch... The place is pretty packed since food halls are always family friendly places and of course the snot nosed kids all want pizza. I put my order in and they said they will call me on the phone when ready... Screw that, I stayed and watched them make the pies. The dude assembling the pies was as happy as a bag of douche. I asked them if they use any wood chips for smoke or flavor... He looks up and shakes his head sideways. Thanks, mistor happy go lucky. The pies looked well put together when it went into the oven. I see they're rotating it but they don't lift it to the dome before it comes out. They just leave it in the oven longer. So, I finally get my 3 pies after 20 minzies or so because they were pretty busy. Let's examine the pies shall we...

 Regular Coal Fired Pie. Open it up and the crust is pretty dark. Then I remembered them brushing olive oil on the crust before it goes into the box. Why? To enhance the dark crust with a shiny clear coat? Whatever, weak. So, I take a bite and it's not bad... Not great but not bad, the ingredients were pretty good quality. The cheese had a mild pull and the sauce was barely noticeable. The crust was kinda hard pretzel like with a smoky char on it, maybe too smoky. It was an ok 'ZA.

Brooklyn, fresh mozz, Italian sausage, rapini, onion. Is this crust darker than the first one? Looks like it to me. You can barely fold it properly because the crust is kinda hard and it just won't crack and fold easily. The ingredients inside were all pretty good. It's a tasty 'ZA but the crust really drags it down. Just eat the good stuff and leave the crust.

Parma, prosciutto di parma, artichokes, gorgonzola. And this crust is even darker than the other two. It's almost comical now. The artichokes, prosciut and gorg cheese were tasty, the crust not so much.

I bet the 3 person crew can make a really kick ass 'ZA if they weren't so busy and backed up on orders and not giving the attention it needs for each pie. Leaving the pies in the oven a bit too long because they're doing other things. It's understandable but really not acceptable when people are paying for it. I rather wait a few minutes longer for a properly made pie that is not almost burnt. Most people won't even notice or even care about a properly made pie but you can definitely taste it in the end product. I prolly won't be back here anytime soon. Good luck, suckaz.

426 W Plant St
Winter Garden, FL 34787
http://www.plantstmarket.com/