Taco Bell Double Chalupa Box

Another month means another gimmick from Toxic Hell... Why the fuck do I do this to myself? I mean, I appreciate that my one reader has stuck by the pouch after all these years but c'mon, why do you eat shit like this, pouch? The answer is because it's there to be eaten and I'm very lonely. Jesus Christ, I will eat anything... And then cry myself to sleep. This is how pathetic the pouch is for attention... Stooping down to this low rent dump, again... But they sure do make this creasture look so good on the TV, though. I had to see what all the fuss was about... Let's take a gander, shall we? We as in that means me, just me, alone with this thing in the dark in my tiny wretched apartment in a church basement... Jesus, I need one of those Japanese sex dolls... But in the meantime, I'm just gonna have to snuggle with this specimen. 

So, here is a picture of this Double Chalupa... It's pretty beefy and doesn't look too bad, right? Taco Bell's website says, "Some might call it a boatload of goodness or even a yacht of yumminess. We call it the all new Double Chalupa, and it's only available for a limited time." 
Yeah, right... I call bullshit. It looks more like a Viking Funeral vessel for a giant turd. Douse that fecal coffin in gasoline or flatulence and shoot a flaming arrow at it when you're at safe distance and burn that motherfucker down. Ok, I'm just fucking around... But it's Taco Bell, we all know we won't get what the pretty pictures shows... So, let's see what reality has in store for us... I know a trip to the toilet is a given but let's not get ahead of ourselves just yet...

The Big Box is $5. It gives you the illusion that it looks and feels hefty... Like you're getting your money's worth. Jesus, I hope there isn't a dick in that box... Time to open that box.

And that's they way you do it... I didn't get the same sense of enlightenment like Vincent did when he opened up Marsellus Wallace's briefcase with this Big Box. There were no golden rays of light... Maybe just a golden shower at best... If I'm lucky. We all know about the regular old soft taco and the bafflingly popular Dorito Locos taco. But the big man on campus in this box was the Double Chalupa... Looks like someone forgot to inflate it to 35 psi. Let's take a closer look...

Close up of the beast of the bowels... Look at this crestfallen chalupa... Did I expect anything surprising? Fuck no, but I didn't expect a piece of round cardboard folded up and stuffed with a dusting of meat puree and a small garden salad. The thing was not even filled half way up... Did the person making my Big Box eat part of my double chalupa? Because we all know that there's no such thing as half way cooks. The shell is kinda hard and greasy and it doesn't fold or bite into easily. It's a challenge to eat this, maybe that's why they didn't fill this up because half the filler would be smushed out with every bite. It's pretty bland like with all Taco Bell products, you have to load it up with their sauce packets to get any taste out of it.

Well, this fat fuck got suckered again with their newest gimmick and I will prolly get suckered in again on their next new gimmick... Not that I'm that stupid or a total retard but it's more like doing research like a journalist so I can report back to my one reader. The double chalupa was double the fail in all aspects... I would just use the shell like a bowl and just eat the filler inside it. And then use the shell like a toilet bowl in 10 minzies... Trust me, you'll need it after inhaling all the contents of this box. Then find a nice little running creek, light it on fire and send it down river back to the gods whence it came. If you really want to fully experience this mess, get a big box and put it in the fridge, go out and get really fucked up and then come home, nuke it for a minzie and it will taste like a gift from the gods... Don't be surprised if you wake up the next morning with your underpants around your ankles and praying to the porcelain god with crumpled TP in both your hands... Not that it happened to me recently or anything.

Flush.