Golden House

I've had my eyeball on this joint for awhile now... How could you not? It's right off the exit to Pleasant Hill, right after Assi market and right next to a fucking Joe's Crab Shack with a giant sign like the Golden Arches that says eat me, fucker. It was looking for attention like a whiny little bitch in Va-Hi... And so it did. Since, it got rave reviews on the intertubes, and Atlanta sorely needs a better (real) dim sum option, it was time to sneak a peak and see what all the fuss was about. I was a bit skeptical since I just came back from Hong Kong eating dim sum on a daily basis.

It had all the signs of something promising... It was so fresh and so clean clean, it had all the Chinese decor and Asian thingamajiggers spewed around the joint like the really gaudy red FOBBY slip covers with the giant yellow bow on the chairs and the menu looked decent enough to eat (supposedly the ex-chef from Bo Bo Garden and Wan Lai)... That is until, I saw Vietnamese on the menu as well. WTF, another hybrid cross breeding creasture. Plus, the hostess and front of the house people didn't speak a lick of Cantonese, only Mandarin. Rut ruh. I don't know about you but mainland China does not do dim sum. But that's another story, let's just get to the tapas, err, I mean dim sum...

(Sampler)

Luckily, most of the dim sum cart ladies spoke Cantonese, thank God... Because pointing at dishes and making caveman noises would be so pathetic. Take a gander at the spread...

Siu Mai- Steamed pork dumplings. A bit tough, chewy, not much flavor.

Ngau Yuk- Steam beef meatballs. Tender and moist but bland.
Char Siu Bau- BBQ pork buns. Straight outta the bag.
Wu Gok- Fried taro dumplings. I love these thing with a passion and only skilled chefs can make this. It was soggy, oily and flaked off in sheets, it should be delicate, light and crispy. Failed.
Daan Taat- Egg custard tart. This was ok. Pastry was flaky and the custard had good consistency. Could be a tad sweeter.
Lo Mei Gai- Lotus leaf sticky rice. Rice was fine but they were cheap on the filling. Like nothing inside. No Chinese sausage except in my pants.
Jian Dui- Seasame balls with red bean paste. It was like eating a Hacky Sack. But the Gwai-lo's seem to love this thing.

And there was some other shrimp dumpling hybrid that mysteriously appeared on the table that had no name. That dim sum skank musta snucked it in. There were so many other fake dim sum dishes getting pushed around that it almost made me think they wanted to cater towards the round eyes... But the initial crowd seemed mostly Asian, even though it was a mixed Oriental group. Keeping your ears open and listening to other tables is a good way to judge the demographics which dictates the food.

(Har Gao)

Holy Mary, Jesus and Chairman Mao... What the hell is this? Looks like an Albino's ball sack. Why are they upside down? Is Sir Mix-A-Lot making this shit in the back? Cuz shrimp dumplings got back. Har gao and siu mai are the two most popular dim sum dishes... And you just have to get them right. Period. Or else just close shop and go home. Well, these were pretty miserable. The skin was too mushy and the shrimp inside was rubbery, how long has this been sitting in the steamer? It broke apart when you tried to pick it up. The wrapper stuck to each other and basically fused to the bottom of the non layered metal baskets (wax paper ain't that expensive, bro). This was a piss poor display of a Cantonese mainstay. Maybe it was a fluke, so I ordered another one 20 minutes later with the same result. Fail.

(Har Gao - Redux)

A week later, same piss poor results... What is with the upside down shit? I need to see the 9 required pleats on each dump. Christ, is that so much to ask? I've had better ones in the frozen dim sum aisle. I didn't even bother with a pic of the 3 rd visit.

(Lau Bak Go)

Turnip Cake- Looked pretty decent but after a couple of bites into raw turnip pieces, the bitterness basically ruined it. The second time around didn't fare much better. The prepackaged ones from the Asian markets are 10 times better. How? Jesus, help them, please.

(Cheung Fun)

Assortment included shrimp, beef and BBQ pork... This wasn't too bad but the rice noodle were over steamed a bit and turned mushy like the Har Gao. What is it with them about steaming the shit out of these delicate morsels? So pissed.

(Cheung Fun- Redux)

Much improved but still not right... Look closely at the scoring. If they're trying to speed up the cooking process, this is not the right way. Too much moisture gets in the slits and makes the damn thing soggy.

(Spicy Tripe)

Holy shit, this is lame. Paper thin, rubbery and bland. Look around the room, it's like a bunch of camels chewing this thing. They totally rushed this out and left out a few ingredients... Like black beans, chili and something called flavor. This is a time that I wouldn't mind a spoonful or three of umami... That's right, M.S. fucking G. The real tripe dim sum is thick honeycomb tripe and bathe in a delicious spicy brown sauce.

(Tripe- Redux)

Worst than the first time around... Holy moly. What are they smoking and can I get some, STAT. Anything tastes good when you're stoned as a mofo, but this may not be one of them.

(Silken Tofu)

Disgusting. Looks like sperm whale jizz. This is what parents feed to their toddlers when the adults are Yumming Cha.

OK, enough of the bad dim sum... Let's try some classic main dishes.

(Beef Chowfun)

Everyone knows I friggin love this dish with a passion and it's also a test of a competent Cantonese cook. I was so happy when it came out... That is until they put it down in front of me and my jaw dropped. Thin rice noodles and chunks of beef... Not thin slices of beef but chunks of meat like in a Vietnamese Shaking Beef. Did I order the Vietnamese version? No way because I told the waiter in Cantonese what I wanted. Not only did this dish lack any of the classic flavors, the chunks of beef were barely cooked. On the outside it looked fine but the first bite was pure mush and cold inside. So, I spit it out to examine it and it was totally raw inside! Lookie here...

(Shaking beef raw)

Must be the Vietnamese side of the menu... I lurv shaking beef but don't put it in my chowfun. This beef chowfun was easily the worst I have ever had in this town. Disgraceful.

(Eggplant, garlic and pork casserole)

Can it get any worse? Oh, it totally can, it's almost expected... But this dish was the only winner in my entire experience with this place. Came out bubbling hot. The eggplant was spot on, delicate and tender, the bits of pork were sinful, the garlic sauce was a tad sweet and needed more garlic but after the dim sum and chowfun fiasco, who can really complain. This is Bo Bo Garden shining through. Stick with what you know and stop fucking around with the dim sum.

Overall, this place could have potential... The dim sum needs a total renovation because it is a mess. No self-respecting dim sum chef would put this slop out to paying customers. Maybe they thought no one would notice with all the luxurious decor and appointments. Or maybe they just don't care if it was good or not since Atlanta lacks real dim sum, so people would be happy with anything new. But to me, if it's shit, it's shit and I will tell you why it's shit. Non Asians will probably think this place is a Godsend, no I guarantee it, and the Asians who think this is authentic are just plain Jook-sings who grew up eating McDonalds.

Get your shit together Golden House or I'm gonna take another Golden Shower on you next time. Prove me wrong and cook some real Chinese food for crying out loud, we need it here. And take that fucking Vietnamese translation off the menu. Be one thing or the other, not both... Because you just ain't that good.

PF Chang's smirks at you.

Splash.

1.5 Stars.

1600 Pleasant Hill Rd
Duluth, GA 30096
770-921-2228
www.goldenhousega.com