Woodward And Park

The owners' original plan was to make this joint into a fine dining resto with Robert Phalen... Did they not get the memo? Fine dining is dead, bro... And who the fuck wants to go to Memorial Drive for fine dining? Only mooks who want to get mugged afterwards that's who. That strip is not exactly a destination spot. Thank newborn 8 lbs 6oz baby Jesus that Phalen decided to focus on his wonderful joint, One Eared Stag, instead... But sadly, it turns out that he's closing OES, now. That decision probably saved this places' ass... Open your eyes and look around this area... Yeah, it's being developed and gentrified like a mofo but that doesn't mean a fine dining destination will do well here. It's like dressing up to go to East Point for tacos... Ok, I would dress up for the world famous Chic-A-Loes' cheekan sando, but that's the only exception. I mean who goes to East Point unless it's under gun point. 

Located in the Larkin on Memorial mixed-use center, this new comer joins a handful of other restos- Firepit Pizza (I can't believe this place is still open, maybe they revamped the menu?), Full Commission, Ramen Station and I'll put Grant Park Market on this list as well with their cool counter service. But let's focus on this new joint since I was curious about the very approachable and diverse hand picked menu. It's a mix of different flavors from around the world- A little Japanese, a little Korean, a little Polish, a little Southern, a little American and a little rock and roll. It's not a big menu by any means which could mean they care about quality over quantity and not mass producing the same generic dishes like everywhere else. There's some gimmicky dishes like the okonomiyaki, tempura avocado and Korean pork philly... But it ain't gonna hurt my feelings because they have bone marrow on the menu. The Pouch's instincts are usually correct and I'm getting a warm and fuzzy feeling with this place or was that my hand down my pants, again... Shit, that reminds me, I need to manscape, STAT. Shit, I'm like an Alaskan Bush People or is that Atlantan Bush People. Damn Covid and the whole work from home gig for the last year really makes you forget to do a lot personal upkeep... Maybe that urban myth about the origins of hairy palms ain't a myth afterall, squirt.

Let's take a first look... I love the space and I love the cozy bar. It's a simple, clean and modern space. They call it "a casual but elegant neighborhood bistro with a seasonal menu"... I concur. The staff was on point, greeting people coming through the doors within seconds and sitting people quickly and orderly. Hell, I don't want to jinx it, so, let's get right to it... Just stick with the classics, Pouch... Don't fuck around and screw this up...

Roasted Bone Marrow, chimichurri, sourdough, pickled shallots, $12. I haven't had bone marrow in such a long time (besides making it at home but it's hard to find the length sliced bone marrow) and this was just a treat. They call it the "canoe-cut" marrow bones from the Stone Mountain Cattle Co. located in Dublin, GA which is nowhere near Stone Mountain... But who knew there was one. The marrow was spot-on with just the right amount of spreadable gelatinous gooey savory bone snot that paired well with the sour dough. And if you like to make it last like I do, they will accommodate you with more bread. Love it.

Tempura Avocado, sweet Thai chili sauce, cilantro, sesame, $9. Shit, don't blame me... I didn't order it but I will eat it. Yes, it's gimmicky as hell but I gotta admit it is a fun dish even if the presentation is like a mom putting pizza rolls on a plate for a 5 year old... If they put this on toast, the roundeyes will eat the shit outta this and pay $20 for it... Not that they don't already.

Burrata, herb oil, porcini condiment, sourdough, $10. Ok, I gotta admit that spreading some of this vibrant burrata on top of the bone marrow is sacrilegious but this fat turd don't give a fuck because it tasted fucking amazing. Look, it all goes to the same place... But have y'all ever heard of anyone complaining about the cheese on a Filet-O-Fish? Yeah, didn't think so motherfuckers. This burrata was gorgeous, the vibrant green herb oil and the earthy porcini condiment underneath worked together perfectly and naturally. It just tasted so clean and healthy... But I ain't getting any skinnier.

Pierogi, 48 hour brisket, caramelized onion and potato; braised cabbage, farmers cheese and potato; served with roasted apple, charred rosemary & thyme crema, $8. I love pierogis because every cuisine and culture have their own version of the dumpling. And these playful little Polish empanadas really hit the spot. I wished they gave you four of these but I would even settle for three at this price.

W&P Burger, 7 oz stone mountain cattle co. grass-fed beef, hot mustard, roasted garlic aioli, white american cheese, house pickles, sweet onion, handcut fries, $15. Requested mid-rare minus since most places overcook the classic burger but this meat patty came out perfectly juicy which the sturdy bun absorbed it without turning it into a pink dough. I wished I took a picture of that gorgeous rosy red center when I cut it in half but I couldn't help myself and literally ate the entire thing without stopping one bit except to pick up the other half. It's one of the tastiest burgers I have had recently in this one horse town. I love how the 'murican cheez blankets the entire patty so you get the full flavor of all the ingredients (hidden under the cheese blanket) with every bite. The handcut fries are addictive as well.

Steak Frites, stone mountain cattle co. 10 oz bistro steak, sauce bernaise, handcut fries, $27. I'm beginning to like this Stone Mountain Cattle Co.'s products... But let's see how their steaks are... And of course, they hit it out of the park, again. Requested mid-rare and it was spot-on once again with a perfect rosy juicy center. The steak was full of flavor and so tender with the perfect bite that required little effort to masticate it down to the pouch. And my dopey brain produced enough dopamine to satisfy my cravings without even touching my special place.

Stone Creek Farm Mixed Greens, toasted pecan, goat lady chevre, citrus, radish, persimmon vinaigrette, $10. I ate so much beef parts in one sitting that I might as well eat like a cow... Wait, I do already. Jesus, I really am a heifer... So, I might as well eat what they do... Ruffage time. This ain't no ordinary house salad with crappy dressing from a squeeze bottle. Look at the colors in this bowl and the persimmon vinaigrette is making me horny for some young lady goats... C'mon, Man! There's kids in here... No pun intended. 

This is a nice addition to the Atlanta restaurant scene... It's not fancypants and overpriced for average grub like at most places that sell the idea of what fine dining should be to gullible schmucks and the food is anything but. W&P's menu is what they say it is... Casual but elegant. This is what people want to eat. Good food shouldn't have to be in a formal setting. I love to see what they have in store next on their seasonal menu... And continue to keep it under 15 items. There is absolutely no reason to have a ridiculously large menu like a shitty diner with almost everything coming from a freezer.

Did the Pouch actually liked a place on the first try? Fuck me, I did.

Squirt.

519 Memorial Dr. SE

Atlanta, GA 30312

woodwardparkatl.com

Choong Man Chicken Revisit and the NEW CM Chicken

Sweet baby Jesus, this COVID shit is really cramping the Pouch's style... There's only so much fucking take-out, instant ramen, Jamaican beef patties and Hot Pockets this fat fuck can endure. Popeyes to-go is OK, though, I usually bring it home so I can make a filthy pig of myself in the comforts of my trough... No one wants to see this lardass eat in public. Children would throw up all over their moms.

I cannot go long without fried chicken... Especially, CFC aka Corean Fwied Cheekan. I need that fowl shit like Cardi B needs foul language. That twat may possibly have a bigger arse than me... I just threw up a little in my mouth thinking about that nasty skank in a thong. Can y'all imagine how that taint would smell... It's like dipping your finger in a latrine at Afropunk fest. Woof. 

We need to get off that subject STAT and back on the right side of the DMZ of South Corean cheekan... It's no secret that I'm still in a bromance with Choong Man, his chicken is so dericious that I would even choke it. Their original Duluth location has reopened for dine-in option but their chicken holds very well on take-out orders so it really doesn't make a difference. I don't go up to Duluth much anymore but since, I was at Great Wall recently to stock up on some provisions, I might as well stop into CMC and see if they still got the magic touch... They have a second location in Suwanee but that shit is way too far for this obeast slob to drive to... Also, they just opened a third location near GTech which means I had to check it out since it was closer to me. 

Enough of the mouth breathing, Pouch.. Let's get to the cheekan... So much cheekan...

First, the original Duluth location...

Tikka Soy Sauce Gizzard. I don't know if I should be eating this much offal but the crispy tender sweet soy glazed internal organs are worth suffering a week of gout flare up for... Still as good as ever. 

Garlic Soy Chicken. Damn, mofos... Look at that heavily glazed chippie... So gooey, so crispy, so juicy, so damn G U U D. Same as it ever was... This Talking Cheekanhead approves!

Garlic Spicy Chicken. Fuck me, now, that's how you glaze a cheekan... Liberally coated with the spicy garlic sauce. Squirt.

After consuming that much CFC, y'all would think this fat turd would take a break... Fuck that noise, I made a promise to my one fan that I will always deliver all that's fit to eat... Now, to the new ITP location.

The new CM Chicken at Georgia Tech took over that dump, Tech Taco, and before that it was City Cafe Diner which was even worse than Tech Taco... But now, they got something worth the drive. Shit, great fried chicken is always worth the drive. But let's take a first look to see if it's as good as the original...

Snow Onion. Don't order this on your first, second or third date... After the fourth date, you can basically fart in front of your gal or guy, so don't leave any onions uneaten... Trust me, dragon breath, it goes great with the crispy juicy cheekan.

Garlic Soy Chicken. Not as glazed as the original location but the flavor was still all there... I just like to lick my fingers and then smell them after eating my chick out. Didn't find any curlies, so that was a plus...

Tikka Soy Sauce Gizzard. I just can't say no to their fried gizzards... Yeah, it's that good, but the portion size is a bit on the chintzy side. I guess you get less for the convenience and to offset the intown rent... The cost of doing business ITP. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise, this fatso don't need 2 pounds of gizzards in one sitting... My gouty big toe thanks me.

These mothercluckers got their shit together at the two locations I have visited and I'm sure the upstate Suwanee location is just as good but do the hillbillies up there deserve such greatness? Fuck no... They should just stick to banging their cousins... Pump pump squirt with banjos playing.

Choong Man Chicken

2180 Pleasant Hill Rd

Duluth, GA 30096

CM Chicken - GaTech

525 10th St NW

Atlanta, GA 30318

Upstate Suwanee

80 Horizen Dr, Ste 103

Suwanee, GA 30024

Scoville Hot Chicken

What the fuck is the owner of Okiboru of the very good tsukemen joint in Sandy Springs doing with Nashville style hawt cheekan? Orientals don't appropriate other cultures' cuisines, only roundeyes do that... Those mooks will steal anything and pawn it off as their own on a daily basis or whatever the current fad is. Have y'all ever seen hamburgers, hot dogs and salads on a Chino menu? No fucking way, brah... But wings and fries, fuck yeah! 

Lookie here, fwied cheekan with hot sauce has been open game since the first yardbird appeared on Noah's Ark. These flightless mothercluckers have been bred for millenniums to be easily caught and eaten in a plethora of preparations... Shit, even Jesus had chicken fingers with honey mustard at his last supper, just make sure you take out the nails, son... It ain't just for kids and fat fucks watching football. 

But can a ramen dude make a proper hot chicken sando? This obeast cheekanhead will find out for it's one reader... I don't even know if my one fan is dead or alive anymore. Hopefully, I don't die from choking on a chicken bone while eating a hot chicken sando... Y'all, know how Orientals love our bone-in chicken. If y'all ever been to Macau, their bone-in Pork Chop Portuguese Bun is to die for... Yes, you eat the bone too if you're a tourist.

Let's go take a first look and see what the fuss is about... So, I checked the very limited menu online and the prices weren't that bad... $8 for sando, $10 for a combo... But let's see if it's for real...

The good old bait and switch... Old school sign on the wall says $8 for hawt cheekan sando and $10 for combo which matched the online menu... But then the order screen on the wall says $10 for the hawt cheekan sando and $12 for the combo... And fucking NO one questioned them about it... Not even those Yelp bitches. This fat fuck shoulda made a fuss but it was slammed in there and they were running around like cheekans with their heads cut off. I felt sorry for these mooks... So, I let it go... That $2 is your tip mothercluckers. This shit better be worth it... And I bet they will leave that fucking misleading sign up forever.

I got two sandos- Hot and Extra Hot... They have a Reaper level but they are never worth it in my experience at every hot cheekan joint. It's either some thick molasses gloppy shit or some type of dry rub mix that they coat heavily with after coming out of the fryer... Here, they use the rub but you can get a little on the side to sprinkle it on the sando.

Hot Sando. It's a very impressively plump chicken breast.. Definitely, trying to go for the girthy Popeyes chicken sando style. The crust is light but crispy, nicely executed. The chicken itself was pretty tender and juicy and had good flavor. The Hot level is nothing.. Maybe a little tingle on the tip of your tongue. But that doesn't discount the sando itself... Because it was a very good chicken sando as a whole... It fucking better be for $10. I would bring some hot sauce with me next time.. Wait, fuck that noise, for $10, they should have some damn complimentary hot sauces.

Extra Hot Combo. It's the same fucking sando but with extra sauce on it... It was like a sriracha mayo, geez. There was no difference in the heat level between the two except the sauce on this one ran down your hands and arms. The fries were the standard brown bag crinkle cut varietal, but they are good when it's fresh out of the fryer... If it sits too long, toss those limp dicks in the trash. 

Here's their Scoville chart... I can't give y'all any advice on what level to pick.. They aren't that spicy.

Would I go back and get ripped off for another girthy cheekan sando... Maybe if I was in the area and won $20 on a scratch off ticket. Or I could just go down the street to Popeyes and get 5 Popeyes cheekan sandos... Hmm, 3rd world problems.

Keep the change you filthy fowl animal... Squirt.

4969 Roswell Rd

Ste 220

Sandy Springs, GA 30342

https://scovillechicken.com/

Just Loaf'N - Soft Shell Crab Po'Boy

I got crabs! That's not exactly what young milky white debutantes wanna hear when you ask them out on virtual dates during these COVID days... But once, they put these creole crabs in their faceholes, they will be smacking their dried cracked lips like a trailer park methed out chickenhead. Look, dating online is a numbers game and the pickings are slim these days... Y'all can prolly imagine what these desperate floozies look like in quarantine for the past year... Woof. Luckily, Just Loaf'N has always been a reliable temptress to satisfy my quick fix. They have one of the best soft shell crab po'boys in this one horse town, if not the best... They give you two whole crabs and a side for about $15.

Take a gander at this sexy hoochie from the Chattahoochee... Inhaled it within 5 minzies... That's usually how long I last anyways. 

Pump pump... Squirt.

Ford's BBQ

This fat fuck is not just a glutton... But also a glutton for punishment. After that dismal display of dried out manchunks at Taylor'd BBQ which almost made me upchuck, I thought about taking a sabbatical from BBQ joints for awhile... Oh, c'mon, who the fuck does this porker think he is... Gandhi? The word Fasting does not mean not eating for a long period of time... Fasting in this slob's vocabulary means sending as much food over to my snout as Fast as possible. It's kinda like fisting but instead, I'm thrusting food repeatedly in and out my pouch and sometimes it gets ugly like the fat broads that wants a double order, animal style.

I did not wait more than a week to try this new BBQ joint that opened early December on Main Street in Tucker. It's from the same owners as Local No. 7 across the street and they also own Stratford Pub and Matador Cantina... Yeah, yeah, whatever on the latter two. Local No. 7 is exactly what it's named after.. There's usually 7 locals in the joint every night and you don't want to take any of them skanks home no matter how shitfaced you are with 3 pairs of beer goggles on... You may wake up gender neutral. And in my case, I need all the manhood I can get. Speaking of manhood... 

Let's see if their manmeat is worthy of some food porn or just 6 feet under with Larry Flint... 

Chicharrones, house made spiced pork rinds, $5. They said it was made to order... We'll see about that. It took awhile but it did come out still somewhat crackling and popping. Nice little crunchy skins to snack on while I wait for the meats.

2 Meat Combo Plate, Sliced Brisket, St. Louis Ribs, Brunswick Stew, Creamed Corn, $19. Thank god, I got my order in ASAP because 15 minzies later they were out of the brisket... I woulda walked out and came back another time if they ran out of brisket. But take a look at this spread... Doesn't look like much but the color was totally acceptable. Let's take a look at the sides first... The creamed corn looked like it was influenced by the popular elote. Every motherfucker in town is doing the "elote" style creamed corn these days.. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But if they start doing the fucking birria tacos... I'm gonna shit. Literally... Because those gimmicky birria tacos are wet, soggy, moist flaps of useless meat trimmings that goes right through your system that would even make Taco Bell blush. The creamed corn was flavorful and totally acceptable but not crave-worthy enough to get a double order. The Brunswick stew had good consistency, not runny at all but it was missing the all important lima beans. But overall, still pretty tasty to warrant another order or two in the future. 

But enough talk of the side pieces... They all get old and tiresome after a couple bites... Let's get to the man-teins...

St. Louis Ribs. Oh, my... Excuse me, Peter North, how much for just one rib? These ribs looked pretty girthy... I just got the shivers down my spine like the first time I was tricked into walking into the Eagle...Ooooh. Wait, did I say my "first" time... Nevermind. Strap these two brutes in black leather and they would sell out every night in there. These ain't no skinny ribs... They were very meaty and juicy. I wished they had more rub on there for more bark, but the rosy smoke ring more than made up for it. Don't expect them to be fall off the bone tender because it would take a lot more time in the smoker to do that. I like a little pull to meaty ribs. Not too shabby at all... I would get them again and hopefully, they will get even better with time.

Sliced Brisket. Woof.. Reminds me of a floozy I dated for 7 1/2 hours back in the late 1900's. She had been around the block a few times.. Around the Chelsea Hotel... She was a lot of woman and had no issues with making $14 the hard way. But she was as dericious as this meat flap... I would go downtown on this on a bi-weekly basis. The good thing about this place is that sliced brisket is the default setting here... Because many-a-moons I forget to ask for sliced and end up disappointed with chopped up trimmings of mystery proteins with some fat blobs tossed in to make it look like it was all brisket with the fat cap. The smoke ring was spot-on like with the ribs, but it also needed more dry rub for a better bark. But these were competition worthy compared to the blocks of saw dust brisket served at Taylor'd BBQ. 

The initial first visit was a promising one and I will be going back to see how their BBQ skills have improved over time... Because girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.

2337 Main St.

Tucker, GA 30084

https://www.fords-bbq.com/menu

Taylor'd Bar-B-Q

Avondale Estates has been pretty much the ignored and unloved red-headed stepchild when compared to the number one son, Decatur... AE has never been much to look at but the area has been quietly building new developments like crazy and the prices have been creeping up steadily. The people in the know are secretly buying up property there... And when the real estate prices start to rise in a depressed area, businesses are going to notice and make a move. For example, a pho joint would be the last thing you would think of opening around these parts but Vietvana has been doing brisk business since they opened. Due to demand and the need to self medicate this entire year, the handful of breweries have reopened with enough space inside and out to safely operate and the community seems to be much happier. And more recently, a newish BBQ joint has quietly and finally opened after a 2 year build out and started serving in late July in an old remodeled convenient store. I have been keeping tabs on this joint as have many others waiting to see if the manmeats will be a worthy addition to the competitive BBQ scene in this town. From the reports and pictures I have read and seen, it looked like the BBQ needed a little more time to be ready for prime time. So, after 3 months of waiting and giving them extra time to work out the opening kinks, I thought it's about time to see what the fuss was about this place. I checked out their website and it looks like their online ordering process is up and running... But I prefer to order in person just in case there are specials... Oh, and there were, they were pushing the brisket eggrolls, hard. 

Let's go take a first look...

Chopped Beef Brisket Plate, Brunswick Stew, Jambalaya Que, White Bread, Lingering Ghost Pepper Sauce, $15. When I opened the box and looked in, I was like, is this all there is? It looked kinda chintzy and I was starting to get upset.. Then I took a breath and said, no no no, Pouch, be nice. I'm doing this to support small businesses and to report back to my one reader. It's BBQ, how bad can it be? Famous last words... Let's check out the sides first. The Brunswick stew was acceptable but the lack of lima beans was noticeable. The Jambalaya que was just a mushy mess, if you closed your eyes it would be similar to mushy peas. Both were just a flash in the pan and put to the side. 

Let's take a closer look at the manmeat... Hold on, let me get my bifocals on because it looks a little dry... I asked for sliced but somehow they haven't had sliced brisket for awhile, only available in big cubes. I then asked how long would the wait be if I wanted sliced brisket... They said they don't have any brisket that can be sliced... I'm like what. da. fuk. yo. Tell-tale sign that the smoked meats were not being served the same day. Most likely they were keeping inventory from the day before or longer to serve today.

Jesus, a blind man can see this desert mirage... It's like seeing a chick from afar that you think is good looking, but the closer it gets, it's far from good. The closer I inspected this specimen the more it looked like the surface on Mars... It was dry and reddish looking. I poked it with a fork and it was like a rubber sole, it had no give. It's no secret what this was gonna chew and taste like... It brought back memories of my papaw's old leather belt that he used to beat me with. I tried to eat 2 pieces drowning in the very weak lingering ghost pepper sauce to get it down but in the end I got the horns messing with this bull... Shit. The only thing that was lingering in this entire thing was regret. Maybe I can use the rest of it as a mother for a beef stew.

Pulled Pork, Mac & Cheese, Pickle Vinegar Slaw, White Bread, Sweet BBQ Sauce, $13. What is that... Sun dried dreadlocks? Holy shit, that pulled pork looked like it was cured in a salt crust. Wait, did I order pork jerky... Is it on the menu? I think we need to let the pork breathe a little... But in the mean time let's sample the sides. The mac should be called mac & mac because it was chalky, flavorless and cheeseless. It was all stuck together, no ooze, no pull, no crispy bits... They should have a sign out front for this like the no shirt, no shoes, no service. The pickle vinegar slaw... Well, if pouring diluted vinegar on top of shredded cabbage to order constitute as being pickled, then more power to them. Let's get back to the Bob Marley jerk pork...

Oh, boy, look at that exhibit... All I could hear in the back of my pea brain was... Said I remember when we used to eat, in the parking lot of Heirloom... So dry your tears I say, and no Pouch, no cry. I sampled a piece that looked the most tender and it was like Clark chewing on that turkey in Christmas Vacation. Cousin Eddie, I think I found the neck you wanted... Wait, it might be the heart. This was unbelievable, both proteins, two of the most celebrated staples of the BBQ standard was utterly disappointing. How could they serve this compacted saw dust in the shape of beef and pork with a straight face is beyond me... Isn't the number rule of cooking is to always taste taste taste? 

I didn't want to waste the meat that I paid for, so, I thought about what I could do with them... I ended chopping them up into smaller pieces soaking them in a broth for a bit and then making flied lice with it... And it tasted fucking great.  

I will probably never go back after this dismal display but I do hope they get their shit together and wish them the best of luck. I would prefer them to have a smaller inventory of freshly smoked meats and running out early than to have an abundance of days old meats held in inventory.

2759 E College Avenue

Decatur, GA 30030

http://www.taylordbarbq.com/

Subway

I have made some very poor life decisions in my life. Everyday, I ask myself where did I go wrong in life... And why am I so fat. I think it all started when I picked the wrong family as a tiny Pouch... They weren't rich. That's where I made the initial life changing wrong turn. And I have been choosing the road less traveled ever since... Forty miles of bad road, bad ideas and even badder decisions. For example... One of my latest and greatest regrettable and forgettable life choices... Subway. Oh, this wasn't a conscious thought, it was one made by the almighty brown juice gods... Bourbon and Rye. Fridays are usually shit days, well, all my days are full of shit but Fridays are usually the shittiest... Once, I get home, I start making cocktails and I don't stop until the Pouch starts growling and complaining. I'm like STFU, bro, I'm feeding you liquid gold, err, brown juice... Stop bitching, there's starving and sober kids in Chiiin-nah. Let's face it, it's better to be drunk and unconscious than sober with a full belly of dogmeat. But of course, I give in instantly and must feed the Pouch. I needed something quick and cheap to shut this motherfucker up, STAT... So, I can continue to imbibe without the marsupial nagging me every 2 minzies. I see a pile of junk mail sitting on the corner of the table and I go through it to see if there's any food coupons for guidance... Fuck me, all the usual fast food suspects. Then I see a bright green Subway BOGO coupon and I'm like, hey, this looks kinda healthy... Famous fucking last words, Pouch...

I haven't been to a Subway in over two decades, so, I had to google map the closest dumpy Subway station and just my luck it is run by an Indian family that barely spoke Engrish... Ooohhh, this is gonna be an adventure... Maybe I'll get lucky with a dericious chicken 65 sub. The last time I remembered, you kinda have to make your own sub at this dump and you actually have to communicate with them... It ain't like running into a Shell gas station and picking up a scratch off ticket by pointing my sausage finger at it. Wait, why the fuck not? Just pretend like you're at Willy's and point away at the assembly line of fillers. So, the only Subway that was opened from this Covid shitshow was hidden in this dark side strip mall off Dekalb Industrial Way... Yeah yeah, I know what y'all are fucking thinking... Have you no shame? Duh, what do you think... Eh, fuck it, let's just get this over with...

Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki Sandwich stuffed with teriyaki glazed chicken strips with our own fat-free sweet onion sauce. Fuck me, take a gander at the congealed hunks of cameltoe meat stuffed inside a supposedly 9-grain wheat bread that looked like it was pulled out from a hyena's sphincter... Laughing hysterically at me while I take the first bite... That's all I need, an audience to watch me projectile vomit from this rancid meat. I gotta admit, the veggies were bright and vibrant, though. But every single bite was mushy and squishy... Like chewing on a giant spitball with a few No.2 eraser nubs thrown in.

Italian B.M.T. Sandwich, Genoa salami, spicy pepperoni, Black Forest ham. Big. Meaty. Tasty... Holy shit, I thought BMT was some new Antifa sandwich made to appease them so they don't burn their fucking stores down... Wait, on second thought that doesn't sound like a bad idea... So, I assume this is their version of the Eyetalian sub. Jesus, look at that bread... Did it just come off the props table from a midget porn set? The Italian herbs & cheese bread looked kinda crusty and not in the fresh from the oven baguette sense... Crusty like a soiled 2 week old mamaw bloomers sense. I think it's the herbs and cheese aroma that brings back those precious memories from the days of yore when mamaw made me do her dirty laundry... Come to think of it, if you tilt your head slightly to the right that meatflap sub kinda looks like her... Nahhh, nevermind. Get your head outta da gutta, Pouch. The cold cuts and veggies were acceptable in the most generic sense but the Subway breads that they claim to be baked in house always taste so manufactured and artificial.

When I went to pay out, I gave them the BOGO coupon and they gave me another life surprise... They said they don't accept Subway coupons at a Subway, imagine the irony. It's no surprise why I haven't been back in double digit years and this revisit only helped reinforced exactly why I never returned... But the brown juice can make the Pouch do inexplicable things and it will have to face the consequences of such drunken ill-advised actions. Welp, looks like I took another wrong turn in my 600-lb life and will be crying myself to sleep once again... The culinary lengths I will go for my one fan. Hey, what's that old adage, again... That which does not kill us, makes us puke stronger into the toilet. And I paid full price to flush it all down the drain.

Flush.