BK Nightmare King

Oh, joy... This fat fuck is on a roll here with the fast food slop. Yes, I succumbed to yet another gimmick to challenge the Pouch. Lucky me... Or is that Fucky me? So, what do we have here this time? Burger King has been in the fast food gimmick burger game for awhile as well to lure in the freaks and uninitiated... They started with the Halloween Whopper with the black buns that turns your shit green. Then they had the Angriest Whopper with hot sauce baked into the red buns which turned your shit reddish brown. Now, they are giving the corpulent crowd a new flavor... The Nightmare King with a booger green bun. I can only imagine what color Mr. Hanky will be when he shows up on Halloween night. They say it's suppose to give you bad dreams or nightmares after you eat this demon. I call bullshit because I have nightmares every night no matter what I eat... Except Popeyes. So, what's the big deal about this burger? Well, first off, this ain't no Whopper... It has a chicken fillet on top of a burger patty. Let's see what they have to say about it...

"Introducing the NIGHTMARE KING, this spooky sandwich features ¼ lb* of savory flame – grilled beef, a 100% white meat crispy chicken fillet, melted American cheese, thick cut bacon, creamy mayonnaise, and onions all assembled on a glazed green sesame seed bun."

NIGHTMARE KING - Feed your dreams or nightmares.

Jesus, look at that fucking thing... The only thing I'll be feeding is the toilet in about 10 minzies. Stop being a prepubescent little twat, Pouch, and do it for your one fan... You sound as if someone has to twist your arm to eat food. If I get IBS right after, at least I don't have to wait to find out what color it is. That green colored bun is kinda creepy... Let's see if the real thing is as toxic green as the picture.

This omen cost $6.39... Almost as much as Arby's Seared Duck Sando.

Hmmm... It's not as green as I thought it would be. The green coloring supposedly comes from watermelon but who the fuck really knows if that is true. But it's a sizable sando. It's pretty thick with all that shit in there.

The side view doesn't make it anymore appetizing... It kinda looks like the wicked witch sleeping on her side with no underpants on... Which is kinda revolting to visualize. Elphaba, there are rejuvenation procedures these days for it... Just sayin'.

Sliced this creasture down the middle and there's the green. I'm kinda in the middle with this thinger. I don't hate it or like it. But the green spongy bun is kinda interesting... It's still keeping my curiosity.

Now, you can see all the layers of this Beetlejuice sando. The bun is pretty green. Could be matcha coloring for all we know. The fried cheekan patty looks dry as fuck and the burger all grainy. The cheese is barely melted. Oh, boy... Better add the "D" to IBS...

They give you 3 slices of bacon, but they are so thin that you can't even see it in the side view shot. But once you lift up the bun, they are there. They actually look pretty decent, not all shriveled up and burnt.

So, how was it, Pouch? It was nothing special, nothing craveworthy enough to get it again... You can't differentiate the textures or taste in each bite. It just tastes like a meat mass with not much seasoning. At least the regular old Whopper has some taste to it. C'mon, no one eats at a fast food dump for taste, it's all for filler on the cheap, but this fucking thing wasn't cheap at all. Blah blah blah, who gives a shit about how it tastes... All we want to know is what color was your shit, Lord Marsupial! I don't want to disappoint y'all but sadly, the turd cigars were normal color... Like baby brown sharks.
Yeah, this gimmick was exactly that... An impulse buy to find out what all the fuss was about. But I have no regrets, I did all in the spirit of Halloween. Plus, I was really fucking bored.

They also have a "Scary Black Cherry" slushie...

One can only imagine what color your piss or doodie will be after slurping this satanic swill.

The only nightmare I had was how gullible this fat fuck was for a holiday gimmick. This year's BK gimmick burger was a bust, better luck next year, but McDonald's is bringing back one of their most elusive shit sandwiches... And I can't wait for this year's review of the McRib, it's a Cheekan Lipz tradition that my one fan expects annually. I hope my bowels are up to it after this fiendish sando.

Arby's Seared Duck Breast Sandwich

Thanks Fat Murica, Arby's did it again! They came up with another fucking gimmick to lure in the untapped neophytes into their dumps... And this fat fuck again as well. Jesus, why am I such a sucka for this garbage... Maybe because I am so lonely. When they say "We HaveThe Meats", they kinda mean it, somewhat... They are the only fast food chain to have offered pork belly, venison, elk and now, the duck. Let's see what they have to say about it online...
"True hunters know that successful pursuits in meat hunting begin with dedication and patience. Our Duck Sandwich is no different. Our Duck Sandwich features a premium duck breast, smoked cherry sauce, crispy onions all on a signature Arby's bun."
Since, my pursuit in meat hunting for chicks on Saturday night in midtown was a total failure like most weekends, I had a fool proof plan to slay another bird the next day. Arby's is only making these  birds available at 16 locations throughout the nation and the only location offering this gimmick in Atlanta was on Roswell Rd and Wieuca. Ugh, y'all gonna make this muffin top drive through Buckhead to get some play... They better have this shit in stock or else I'll just have to go to Popeyes right up the street. 
Let's take a gander shall we...


Hmm, it doesn't look anything special from this PR pic... Fuck, did I make a mistake driving all the way over here? Fuck it, you fat slob and just do it... You know you want to.

I have never paid $7 for one fast food sando ever before... I'm kinda regretting it already but it's got a sticker with a duck on it. Seriously, how good can it be? You motherfuckers better do some witchcraft on this meat craft... Or give me some weed first to give me the munchies or chant some sorcery shit. Open the damn box already...

Like usual, the visual of the real thing is nothing like the picture... At first glance, it looked like a cow muffin between two buns. I'm kinda disappointed already. Let's see what's under the hood...

That is some sad ass fried onions. Wait a minute, nevermind the fucking onion straws... Is that skin on that piece of meat thinger? Let's take a closer look...

Fuck me. That is a seared skin on something... Let's cut it in half and find out what this mysterious meat is.

Jesus, is that a moose knuckle? The meat hunt is over... Look at that bloody gash... It's fowl looking. Kinda reminds me of this fat hillbilly slob that took me home after a sloppy night of quarter pitchers in college... She was a beast. She did things to me that shouldn't be done to farm animals. Is it bad that I kinda wanna do an American Pie on it? I can imagine eating this is almost like going down on a heavy set broad... There's usually a lot of mons pubis to gnaw on. I better grab a handful of napkins before I even attempt to work on this bloody hatchet wound.

Let's take a closer look... Seriously, how is this possible... From Arby's? That is a pretty thick ass piece of pink duck breast. It is even a bit on the bloody side to make you do a double take at the buns. And the seared skin is kinda amazing to find on there as well. Took a bite and the thick breast meat fills up your mouth to satisfy that carnivore carving. It was tender, juicy and had a nice chew to it... Unpossible! And the skin was seasoned pretty well, too. There was no way this was made in this kitchen. They had to have prepped and cooked all these duck breast at another location and vac packed these beauties with instructions on how to reheat because there was no fucking way these slack jaws working here can sear a duck and render the fat this precisely. I hate to say it but did they sous vide these duck breast? I mean, if they're in vac packs already, then all these retards have to do is throw it in a hot water bath. However they prepared it, it was kinda worth the $7 to sample this mons pubis of duck.

I must admit, this might be Arby's best showing of exotic meats that they have been introducing on a limited basis. Sometimes, gimmicks do work and whatever gives them the most attention puts them on the radar for people who usually don't eat at fast food joints. The only time I even go to an Arby's is for their gimmick meats because it's just so ridiculous... Hey, believe me, I still waiting for their next gimmick to fail so miserably so I can rip them a new asshole... That's because I'm just returning the favor. If they come out with a bone-in Tomahawk chop or a wagyu or kobe steak sando, you can bet on my fat ass that the Pouch will be there. This is their 4th limited edition game meat, so, maybe their 9th mystery meat will finally kill the Pouch from curiosity. But I wouldn't bet on it.

Banshee

This may be the only new joint that hasn't got as much hype as all the other new openings in this one horse town... What gives? What is wrong with this place? Is it EAV and how ghetto it has become? Is it the owners/operators? Did they burn some bridges in the industry? Who knows but let's check Yelp... Those retards don't give a shit as long as they are the first to review. Surprisingly, there are only three rave reviews and 4 pictures of the neon sign and menu but no pictures of the grub... How can this be? Wait, they prolly didn't get any freebies is my guess... No reviews for you! 

Now, the Pouch's interest has been piqued. So, a little bird gave me a play by play during a recent visit about how awful the food was, especially, the braised duck mezzelune which was a salty cesspool... I must admit that I get excited and turned on by slop. I had to go and see and feed for myself since I haven't been to a shitty new resto in such a long time. So, I snuck in there quietly around 9:40 on a Friday night, it was packed but that didn't surprise me, what did stumped me was that the host said the kitchen was closed... On a Friday night before 10PM. Let me say it again... kitchen closed before 10 on a Friday night. Do they want to go out of business, is that their MO and business model? Jesus, don't make me go to Octopus Bar, they have gone downhill so much these day which gives me sad panda pouch face. The host said I could hangout at the bar and get drinks... Why would I when the bar looked like the Thunderdome... Master Blaster was in the weeds with the pigs around that trough. I got the fuck outta there literally in 21 seconds and wasn't gonna stay in EAV waiting for a gun fight to erupt on a Friday night... That's because I was only carrying a small Kahr, I will remember to bring my CZ Scorpion Evo 3 next time. 

I was kinda over this joint with that ridiculousness, but once the Pouch gets an hankering for new slop, it doesn't let go... I had to do it for my one reader since I haven't posted any new slop joints in so long. So, I got real fucked up on Saturday during the day so I can make it here early at night before the ghetto herd arrived. Got here around 5:30 to dine with the blue hairs and it was kinda crowded already. Whatever, as long as the bar is flowing and the kitchen isn't closed by 6PM we should be all good. 

Let's sample some dishes and see if it lives up to my low expectations I already have deemed them to be...  

I drank so much booze during the day that I had to piss like an inflated fugu... Don't worry, I will be enjoying myself in the shitter, I might even light my farts on fire in there for extra enjoyment.

Fry Bread, pepperoni butter, sesame, scallion. The fry bread was nothing special but the pepperoni butter was what I was interested in... How can this possibly be good? It's grease on fat... But y'all know what, it was surprisingly edible and a taste that was quickly acquired. It wasn't craveworthy enough alone to bring me back here but I would order it again if I was here again depending on the rest of the dishes.

Butternut Squash Ravioli, white bean, pumpkin seed picata, parmesan crisp, brown butter. Look at this plating... Where the fuck is the rav? It looks like it's hidden under a coral. If Nemo peeks out from beneath I will swallow that lil fucker like I did in college pledging. Let me re-plate this for them... Amateurs.

Voila! How difficult was that? Now, I can see all the actors in the bowl... That ravioli, one ravioli, looked so lonely in there all by it's lonesome. Is it too much to ask for two ravs? Not like it's filled with foie gras and truffles... It's squash for crying out loud. The parm crisp is nicely made, the white bean puree was velvety smooth, the ravioli pasta was toothy, the squash inside was fine and the entire execution was seasoned nicely. It's a good lil dish but don't be so friggin' cheap with just one veg rav... It's take two to make a Pouch feel right, it takes two to make it taste outta sight.

Wagyu Rare Beef Salad, peanut crisp, togarashi mayo, pickled carrot, tatsoi, soft egg. I was real skeptical about getting wagyu beef in EAV... It could be from the plethora of roadkill found on Bouldercrest... That road is filled with shady roadkill creastures. Ok, let's start from the top... The soft egg was spot-on, can't complain about that at all. The salad was more of a pickled veggie tasting. The use of exotic sounding Asian greens like tatsoi annoys me... Like they discovered some new breed of greens. It's just a friggin' spinach mustard thinger. Let's get to the main actor here... hidden under all that shit soaking up all the juices. The thinly slice manmeat wasn't as rare as stated but it tasted just ok, nothing really stood out on the flavor because it's been marinating under that mess. Not that it was putrid, either... But I wouldn't get it again because it got real tiresome after the perfect soft egg.

Pork Cheek Skewers, shishitos, garlic chips, dragon sauce. This will either be a big hit or a massive miss... And then this came out... This beautiful skewer of chubby swine cheeks sandwiched between shishito peppers looked amazing. There was no dragon sauce on the plate but it looked to be glazed on the cheeks. This dish was pretty damn tasty... the cheeks were tender as fuck and had a hint of sweetness and heat from the so called dragon sauce aka spicy soy sauce. This was good enough for the Pouch to put in a second order. Now, this was craveworthy enough for me to go back for more.

Pappardelle, sauce portugaise, shiitake mushrooms, fresno pepper, sage gremolata. Paying $16 for a small bowl of pasta usually pisses me off since pasta is low rent filler grub. This bowl may have been worth the price of admission if it wasn't all stuck together... I had to quickly rip the ribbons of pasta apart like a hair wax strip. The sauce and shiitake was pretty good and hearty but it coulda use a bit more seasoning. Every time I look at this bowl of pasta it reminds me of the 40 year old virgin. Oh, nipplefuck! Kelly Clarkson! I bet she likes to eat sticky pasta...

Pork Tenderloin, fig olivada, charred leek, almond, port jus. There was no fucking way in my rational pea brain I was gonna get the duck mezzelune but I really wanted to experience that nightmare... Alas, I played it safe since this entire visit has been going way better than expected. You can't fuck up a pork tenderloin, right? And that seemed to be true with this dish.. The medallions of Ms. Piggy were tender and moist, the figs were sweet and the port jus gave it that hint of richness. It's not a generous portion by any means but the execution was good enough to not make me mad for over paying for this tapas size portion. 

I was buzzed and all psyched to rip this joint a new brown balloon knot, but with the very decent visit I just had here, I have nothing really that crass to say... But then again, I didn't order the duck. I may just have to next time and then finish it off with the pork cheeks to cover up that salty cesspool in my cesshole.
The service was pleasant and prompt, their signature cocktails were ok but just stick with the classics like the old fashioned and sazerac along with the pork cheeks... And your night will not be a total shit show like the rest of EAV on a weekend night. I hope they can make it last in this shithole.

1271 Glenwood Ave
Atlanta, GA 30316
www.banshee-atl.com

Genuine Pizza

Didn't all the malls in this country died a slow death like in the mid 90's? I don't know how Lenox Mall and Phipps Plaza are still in business. I haven't been back to either in so many years but I had to go to Lenox to try out Cousins Maine Lobster new brick and mortar store not too long ago and the food was more disappointing than Captain D's lobster roll... There is something seriously wrong if the Pouch is craving Captain Douche's sloppy surimi rolls than a supposedly real Maine lobster roll. I will never go back to Lenox ever again... But what about Phipps, Pouch? So, there is allegedly a decent Neapolitan 'ZA chain joint somewhere inside that dump. It's called Genuine Pizza. Yeah, right... I ain't falling for the banana in the tailpipe... No fucking way, bro... Say what? Happy hour pizza for $10 any pie... Hmmm. So, what? It's pedestrian pizza in a mall... How good can it be? I used the word "Neapolitan" instead of Napoletana because these Eyetalians are not from Naples, Italy, but Naples, Florida. Shit, the pizzaiolos... Err, I mean the pizza makers in front of the Marra Forni Rotator natural gas brick oven looked like they work here part time and aspiring music producers on their lunch break handing out demo tapes in the mall. The Marra Forni oven is a decent pizza oven for the high volume pedestrian palate... They do offer a wood burning one but since this is Phipps Plaza wood is out of the question for safety reasons... For the children. The oven is bright yellow and very eye catching but that giant hood above it is such an eye sore and just plain fugly. I have slayed fat broads prettier than this thing. If you look at it in the right angle, it kinda looks like Marvin the Martian... Isn't that lovely?
That is the question isn't it? Can a mall 'ZA joint be all that they claim to be... Time to make a visit. I swear, if it sucks ass, I will never go back to a mall ever again.

Margherita, mozzarella, tomato sauce, basil. The classic pie but not the size... They are a bit smaller at around 12" vs. the DOP 12-14" standard. It's not a bad looking pie but I'm not loving the basil leaves cut in half sprinkled sparsely around the 'ZA... Leave them whole, bitches. Please. Let's take a closer look at the crust...

Looks pretty good. The char blisters, the low rise thin crust- both totally acceptable. Took a slice and it folded nicely. The center of the pie is thin but yet a bit soggy, so the tip of the slice was pretty floppy and drippy. Not a deal breaker but it makes it a bit harder to eat. The sauce is bright and vibrant but unseasoned, it was kinda bland and muted. The spots of mozza dotted around the pie was fine, it was creamy and gooey. The crust is a bit tough to chew but it was acceptable. This Margherita is not going to win any awards but it didn't make me cry either.

Short Rib, gruyere cheese, caramelized onion, arugula. I know I know... Why am I making the same mistake I made at Firepit Pizza by ordering a non-red pie? Because I'm fat, drunk and stupid, that's why. Once again, this reminded of 70's porn when it came out to the table. Shit is getting hairy up in this piece. Jesus, that is a lot of arugula on there... And what is that smell... What are they trying to cover up? The server said this was her favorite pie and I bought it- hook, line and sucker. Look at that fucking giant crust, it's like buying a pair of flip flops two sizes too big. A giant flap that sticks out the back flinging sand and water right up your ass. I had to take most of the arugula off just to sneak a peak what pie it was. The more I looked at it, the more I wanted to fold this in half and make it into a calzone just to keep all the filler inside. The short rib pieces were tasty, as well as the other ingredients on this pie but overall, it was a very dry pie. I would skip this 'ZA and just stick with the red sauce pies.

Slow Roasted Pork, fig, roasted onion, fontina cheese, arugula. Fuck me, am I having deja vu? Am I in the Matrix mall? If I see a fucking cat walk by twice, I'm gonna start shooting anyone in a black suit with sunglasses that is doing a revolved side angle pose. This pie was also the server's other favorite, seems like there is a pattern here of selling as much 'ZA to any pedestrian as possible. Jesus, I'm such a fucking sucka for roasted pork and figs on anything. If they had fried chicken as a topping, I would get that no questions asked. Let's take a closer look at that giant noodle of a crust... I bet you, this shit can float.

Not as much char blisters on this pie which was weird because the oven rotates inside for even cooking. This was the only area that had decent char spots. Once again, this pie was dry and chewy like eating a bowl of Cherrios in the desert with no milk. The pork was dried out but the figs were sweet and gummy. I really have to stop getting these white pies with fancy toppings on them... They all fucking suck.

Zeppole, honey whipped ricotta. The big thick triangles of fried pizza dough dusted in 10x sugar looked the part when it came out but when you take a bite of this wheel choke it will make you want to spit it out and stick it under the table leg to stop the wobbling or am I just dizzy from this dreadful specimen. The whipped ricotta was fine but no amount of that creamed jizz will make these thick, dense, hard to chew door stops go down your throat any easier, no matter how many bags of dicks you have swallowed. Save your money and skip these abominable snowwedge at all costs. They suck ass.

Was the 'ZA here Genuine? No, but the service was friendly, prompt and totally pleasant. But the manager/owner/partner/meathead seemed to belong more at an ultra lounge on the Jersey shore than running a 'ZA joint in a mall... Bedazzled jeans are so 24 minzies ago, just sayin', bro. If I had to pay full price for these 'ZAs, I would not have been so nice about it. But the happy hour deal is a good way to try all the different pies they have to offer (they are pretty small, so, go with a couple other peoples). I would not make this a destination 'ZA joint but if I was forced to be in this mall again, I would not mind trying the spicy pepperoni and Italian sausage pies next time (no more fucking white pies for this fat fuck)... During happy hour, of course. Everything else on the menu sounded so pedestrian and boring as fuck... Oven roasted 1/2 cheekan for $19? Puh-leez. I can get a whole roasted cheekan for $5 at Kroger or Publix... Don't forget to grab a box of fwied cheekan, too. If you time it right, Walmart puts their whole roasted chicken out for half price after a certain time. The Pouch is all about good deals these days and my one reader deserves to know the inside scoop.

3500 Peachtree Rd.
Room # 1096B
Atlanta, GA 32608
https://www.genuinepizza.com/locations/phipps-plaza

The Po'Boy Shop

This new po'boy shop quietly opened next to Ms. Icey's in the Community Q BBQ strip mall... But it's making a big draw with the crowds. Supposedly, they have served over 400 po'boys in 3 days and many other items on the menu. Obviously, the big seller is the po'boys since they are proudly serving the famous Leidenheimer bread which makes the po'boy a po'boy... Kinda like how an Amoroso roll makes a cheesesteak a philty. The last time I had a po'boy with Leidenheimer bread was at On the Bayou on South Cobb Drive many many moons ago... It was pretty good but they shuttered eventually like everything else in Cobb county. There hasn't been a decent po'boy since... Not that you can't find a po'boy around this one horse town but if it's not on a Leidenheimer bread, it's tough to call it a po'boy.
Since, this new joint is using the genuine bread, it's time for the Pouch to take a sneak peek and see what the fuss is about... Walked in and it's counter service which is pretty much standard for this type street grub. I liked the open kitchen so you can see them hock a loogie in your food if they're having a bad day. It's clean and it looks like they are doing a good job at keeping it clean with this type of messy menu. For being open for just a few days, they are pretty efficient but are they consistent? Let's go find out... I'm kinda excited and skeptical about the Leidenheimer bread, there is just so much bait and switch going on these days and most people will never even notice.

Half & Half, oyster and shrimp, spicy remoulade, Leidenheimer bread. They have a small which is 6 inch for $10 and the regular is 10 inch for $14... Which was kinda pricey for an unproven po'boy. I went for the full priced 10 inch to see what they were packing... As did many other broads behind me, they must be hungry for the 10 inch po'boy. It came out wrapped in paper and the size looked decent... Once it was unwrapped, I poked at the bread. It had a thin crispy crust and a soft spongy inside. The bread seemed legit... And the crispy golden brown sea snots and skrimps peeking out did so as well. It's a good start so far... Let's open up this specimen and check out the seahorse power underneath the hood...

What the fuck... How chintzy can you be for $14? What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? They should rename this joint "The Po Shop Boys" instead. This snatch patch had 3 small oysters and 4 shrimp in single file. C'mon, for $14 you gotta be a little more generous with the all important filler. I don't know who cut the veg but it looked like they cut the iceberg lettuce and tomatoes together at the same time like at Ann's Snack Bar. I kinda prefer the lettuce to be a bit more shredded and the tomatoes in half moon shape.. But that is neither here nor there, it's just all aesthetics, right... C'mon, Pouch, it's not nice to criticize them about proper knife skills in a commercial kitchen. Closed the hood and took a bite... It's not bad at all but I must admit that the bread had a lot to do with that. The oyster and shrimp had a nice crispy batter and seasoned nicely... But I wanted a couple more oysters and shrimp, I wanted this po'boy to be plump like me. The pickles were fine and the spicy remoulade was pretty tasty. It was a respectable po'boy, great bread but just fill'er up with just a bit more crispy sea nuggets and I would be ok with paying y'all top dollar. Would I get it again? No, not at this point. But I would if they would just clean it up a bit more. This is not a subliminal message... I want more shit inside that fucker, yo.

Combo of Oyster, Shrimp and Grouper.  Red beans & rice, slaw, hush puppies and remoulade. When I opened the lid... At first glance, it didn't look like $16 worth of food. That styrofoam box looked kinda light with a few scraps of fried sea specimens. 3 oysters, 3 shrimp, 2 grouper and 2 hush puppies. Let's take a closer look...

Now, lookie here... Up close and personal. The batter is pretty good, light, thin and crispy. The hush puppies looked a bit sad... It's just useless filler anyways, so, we'll eat that last. The oyster and shrimp is the same as the po'boy. The grouper was nicely fried with the thin crispy crust and the inside was moist and flaky. It was pretty good. I would be happier if they round up the oyster and shrimp count  to 4 pieces each but the 2 pieces of grouper was acceptable.

Their red beans & rice was a pleasant surprise... It was robust and hefty, not like the box shit you get at the market with tiny beans you make at home. I almost wanted to do an "American Pie" with this glory hole of beans. It was almost spot on except that it needed to be seasoned more, it was kinda bland... Not that a little hot sauce can't fix. I saw the gumbo as well and it also looked pretty good, next time.

Let's get back to those saggy ass old man grandpa balls... I was hesitant to put their saggy balls in my mouth but I had to for my one reader. I cut a Nawlin's testicle open and it totally surprised me... It wasn't all dried out and grainy like at so many other places. It was moist, seasoned nicely with jalapeno bits and a golden brown crust. I couldn't believe it, this was a very respectable attempt at the lowly hush puppy.

Overall, it was a pretty decent display of Nawlin's street grub... Not considering the price as a factor. The po'boy needs to be cleaned up a bit but when they do, it will be fantastic. The fry platter was tasty as well but the portion needs to be for an adult, not a tween. The slaw and red beans & rice were acceptable as well but the hush puppy really surprised me the most on this initial visit.
The staff was quick and friendly but one of the owners/manager was just drenched in sweat... I mean like he just got a bucket of Gatorade dumped on him after a Saints win against the Falcons. I understand the stress and volume during a rush can make you sweat but if Gordon Ramsay saw this sweaty pig out in the dining room serving guests, he would send this donkey home to change. Seriously, it's not exactly appetizing to have someone soaked through his clothes serving your food. They say 1 in 4 people have Genghis Khan's DNA but half of the people who has eaten here has Po'Boy Shop DNA... I feel sweaty all of the sudden.
I would not go back for the standard po'boys until it's more consistent and the disgusting Impo'ssible Vegan Burger, why why why would you? But I would go back and try some of the other items on the menu like the Debris I saw at the next table, a gravy laden chopped roast beef that is more of a manwich log than a po'boy. But if it's on the Leidenheimer bread, I'll call it whatever you want me to... Because it did look pretty good in a messy saucy kinda way. The Cajun Meat Pies looked like little empanadas which may be a hit or miss, next time as well. I'm skeptical about the Muffaletta Po'Boy because it's just sacrilegious without the Silician sesame bread. But I like what they're doing in here and Decatur needed something a little different in this area. The local yokels are coming in by the truck loads so they must be giving the plebes what they want and that will keep them in business.

1369 Clairmont Rd.
Decatur, GA 30033
www.thepoboyshopatl.com

Firepit Pizza Tavern

Gentrification is in full effect on this stretch of Memorial Drive... So much generic bland ass construction going up in this once desolate area that reminds me of Detroit. This little black and white strip mall is no exception. Ok, fine, the Grant Park Market is pretty cute and the prices for the items in the market are pretty damn affordable and competitive. Their little built in deli counter is adorable and the menu is pretty decent. There's not much else opened yet except for this joint and Full Commission which is only serving breakfast for now. So, since it was night time... I guess I have no choice except to sneak a peak at the 'Za they're doing here.
First of all, I walked around the entire place looking for the fire pit. Their website is like... "So grab your family and friends because nothing says gather together quite like a fire pit." There is no fire pit. What the fuck, yo? If I named a joint called Cheekan and Beer I would be expected to serve cheekan and beer. This lack of attention to detail is already getting on my nerves not to mention the prices of the 'Za.. But we will get to that in a little bit.
The space is clean and modern but lacks any type of personality. And the bar, it's like something you find in a hotel or an airport... It is gaudy, cheesy and kinda over the top for a 'ZA joint. You can prolly pick up some nightcrawlers at the bar after 9PM... But not on the night I was there, woof. For a weekend night, the joint should be hopping but it was barely half full and the demographics were mid-century plus and depressing as fuck. The entire vibe of the joint was putting me to sleep... Hopefully, the food doesn't either... Let's grab a quick bite because I really want to get the fuck outta here already...

Naked and Unicorn Wings. They didn't look bad when it came out but upon closer inspection, the wings were pretty small and a few wings looked like some rodent took a bite from them before they threw them in the fryer. They were fried nicely, crispy golden skin and decently moist inside, that's how most bros like their chicks. The hot sauce was the weak ass bottled varietal and did very little to spice things up on the nekid wangz but it was edible at least. The unicorn wings... I don't know what makes them so magical because they tasted like they were just seasoned with some sweetened dry rub. They were ok, but I wasn't pooping rainbow soft serve or beaming rainbows out of my eyeballs. They were acceptable but there was nothing craveworthy about them.

Firepit Dip, brussels sprouts. It's amazing they have already bait and switched the price from $10 to $12... $2 may not sound like a lot but percentage wise, oh, it's a big change, so, it better be friggin' out of this world. And then this came out... Was someone using the bread as an elbow rest? Those two halves look like they were used as shoes on Naked and Afraid through the Amazon forest. And from this pic it looked like both halves could fit inside that side dish of brussels with room to spare. This sando is friggin small... S. M. All. I opened up the sando and the meat inside looked like a lump of coal. It wasn't sliced to make it easier to chew or eat... It was just a lump of overcooked, dried out, chewy turd that belonged on the edge of a lawn than inside your facehole. The au jus looked like the leftover coffee at the bottom of the pot after 3 days. You have no choice but to dip that dry ass sando in the jus to get it down your throat like at the July 4th Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest. Someone in the kitchen actually thought this looked appetizing on the plate. The brussels sprouts were a lot better but so would styrofoam peanuts after that sad excuse of a dip sando. To be fair, they don't have a firepit, so this dip couldn't be all that it could be without one. But still... I want my two dollars... Back.

Porchetta, tomato jam, argula. A 12" pie that is missing the red sauce and cut up into square slices for $19. Look at that fat wrinkly crust and that bushel of arugula... Kinda reminds me of a pig with a giant fat bush I hooked up with back in college. I was so boozed up, I couldn't see a thing when I was down in it's cellar, it was all stretch marks and thick curlies that flashed before my eyes, it was a sign my life was coming to an end. This crusty terror wasn't far from it, I hope I don't find any cheese inside the crust... Or else it will trigger another PTSD flashback. I need to step away from this mons pubis pie for a minute to gather myself.

The crust/dough was terrible, dried out, hard and way too crunchy and chewy... Come to think of it, if the crust had cheese in it, it woulda made a big difference. Cutting it into deformed squares made it even worse, they called it "Detroit" style... Did the Doctor cut it up with his metal hand? These square slices made me feel like a little kid eating room temp frozen 'Za back in the 70's. This pie was listed under the red sauce pies but it barely had a hint of red sauce. If they counted the tomato jam as sauce, then they also failed miserably since the pie was barely dotted with it... Shit, there was more sauce on the server's apron than on this pie. The slices of porchetta tasted like they were poached based on the gummy fat layers attached to it. The best part of this pie was the arugula, it was vibrant and fresh... That's because they didn't have to cook it. This porchetta pie sounds great on paper but it's lacking in all areas on execution. They really should give you a heads up on the square slices... They told me I can get it cut like a normal 'Za after the fact. I will never get another 'Za from here again... This specimen is all the proof I need.

This sampling of food was disappointing but not as disappointing as the space. This is supposed to be a "tavern"? It had zero "I want to stay here and drink some more" factor... I was struggling just to eat the food as quickly as possible, so I can get the fuck outta here ASAP and go somewhere else to drink. I mean, I would even go to the Republic, that dump has no atmosphere whatsoever but at least there's strange creastures to look at and make fun of at the deck bar. This place feels cold and empty... Maybe that's because they don't have that firepit to warm up the joint as promised. And if it is supposed to be a pizza tavern why aren't they showcasing the pizza oven? The pizza tasted like it came from an Easy Bake Oven... They should give you Shrinky Dinks on the side as a prize for ordering the pizza. The service and staff was borderline acceptable, nothing wrong with it but not really warm and friendly, either. It felt more like you were intruding on their space and time... If you're here and I'm here, doesn't that make it our time? Why do I feel like Spiccoli when he orders the pizza in class and Mr. Hand confiscate his pie and gives away the slices to his classmates and he's force to watch them enjoy his 'Za... But I actually wanted to give away my pizza to the few customers in here and watch them spit it out. I left more than half of that overpriced small 'Za on table and nobody wanted the rest... Not even the hobos on Memorial. How can a kitchen be so oblivious to what they're putting out and charging real money for it... At this rate, they should just move across the street with the rest of the dead. Bless their heart.

Flush.

519 Memorial Dr SE
Atlanta, GA 30312
http://www.firepitatl.com/

Shoya Izakaya Check Up

It's no secret that Shoya has been on the Pouch's go-to list and rotation ever since they opened years ago. I have been a fan since day one and that has never wavered... It's been a few moons since I showed my fat face, it's about that time on the rotation schedule to make another visit, so, let's see how they're doing these days.
I know they have become very popular in the last couple years with the roundeyes but I was kinda surprised by how crowded it was on a recent visit... The line to get in was longer than the checkout line at Aldi. Yes, I said checkout line, singular... Because Aldi only have one person working the register, always... And of course, I'm always stuck at the end of the fucking Human Centipede line trying to buy 6 goddamn bananas, I felt like I was doing the elephant walk back in college again. The line at Shoya was no different... Y'all should see the specimens coming to eat here these days... Woof. I was having flashbacks from Aldi... Let's face it, some of the people that shop at Aldi ain't exactly photogenic, even in the dark. The Pouch is no exception... I usually feel like Clint Howard in most public domains but I feel like Brad Pitt inside Aldi. And now, it's at Shoya... Did I go on a Cosplay night? Because there were so many slobs and pigs dripping out of their skanky costumes or perhaps it was their normal daily rags, I couldn't tell.
Waited and waited because Masa wasn't there to hook me up, finally got a table in the back like an average nobody, get to eat the rest of my meal staring at a wall like a schnook. Things have certainly changed here... Hopefully, not for the worse. I was excited and quick to put in my standard order of their generous $8 for 8 oz. house "wisky" pour with ice on the side, but the new server girl said I should have the ice in it because they have "never" poured that much wisky... I showed her a picture of the pour last time I was here and she said, you must be mistaken, that's not from here. The picture had the Shoya menu in it... I was about to kick her in the balls but it looked like she was wearing her steel camel toed underpants. I was so pissed they were gonna fuck me on the wisky that I recanted the order... Told her to get me water, instead. And of course, I changed my damn mind the last second and got a Sapporo draft.... I need fucking booze to deal.
Let's take a look at the menu and see what's new on their massive mudflap sized menu... Motherfucker! The first goddamn thing I see is a fucking poke bowl... $16 for tuna or salmon scraps on rice. Holy shit, I wonder how many gaijins ordered this shit... They loved it as much as the California rolls. Fuck it, it can only go up from here... Or will it...

Fuck me... It's over Johnny, it's over. Swipe left quick!

BBQ Eel. Why is it sitting almost on the edge of the plate? And does this ultra glazed eel need more sauce on the side... Jesus, fuck me. What is going on up in this piece? The eel was fine, tasted acceptable but I have been noticing the portions on the dishes have gotten smaller and smaller over time and the price has inched up or stayed the same.

Ankimo. Can I get more green onions, pweez? WTF is going on... The presentation in the past was so awesome, simple and the monkfish liver was visible... Now, it's a treasure hunt and you may get lucky or not. It's all a gamble these days. But luckily, there was a decent amount of ankimo in there. And it was smooth and silky, not as good as before but still tasty. It seems like they are just rushing all these technical dishes these days because of the higher volume they're getting.

Sausage. This was just a pathetic plating... It used to come on a slim rectangular dish. They prolly ran out of them, so they just threw them on any old plate. The sausage still tasted great but you can tell they just really don't care about presentation anymore... Just slap it on there and get it out.

Koebi Karaage. Just like the eel, the baby shrimp portion is half the size it once was. It's still pretty tasty but I'm thinking this may the last time I get these little fuckers.

Soft Shell Crab. This is still spot on... I'm glad at least one thing stayed the same... So far.

Chicken Karaage. Ok, I will eat any cheekan that is fried without complaint and I really don't have anything bad to say on this... Except that they was a bit soggy and didn't have that crunch like they used to... Prolly from not frying them long enough due to the volume tonight. The batter mix may have changed a bit as well.

Monkfish Karaage. This was a special and I had to get it... And they were worth the price of admission. They call monkfish the poor man's lobster... Even though only poor people ate lobster back in the day because rich people didn't eat these nasty ass bottom feeders. These nuggets were thinly battered, crispy enough, moist and flavorful.

Kushikatsu. These were basically fried tonkatsu on a stick... And they were pretty tasty. Shit, you got panko fried pork cutlets on a stick, what's not to like... Just shut up and stick it in your piehole and enjoy.

Chashu Ramen. Before I get to this bowl... I have an amazing short story to tell... This hot little blond cosplay thing at the next table orders a bowl of ramen and she proceeds to only use a spoon to eat it. I guess she doesn't know how to use chopsticks and didn't want to embarrass herself in front of her LARP pals. Watching her struggle to get a noodle into her mouth for 3 minzies was breathtaking, since she seemed like the type of classy broad that have no problem with getting her boyfriend's noodle in her facegash. All you saw was ramen broth splishing and a splashing all over herself. Then all of the sudden she uses chopsticks to pick up a California roll... WTF just happened? Still a mystery to this day. But anyways... This chashu ramen did hit the spot. If you want flavor and filler, always get the ramen, especially, the tonkotsu here... But never at their ramen shop, Yebisuya, next door, it's just awful. How do you open a dedicated ramen joint and it sucks massive ass... Next.

Sashimi Deluxe. I order this every single time I come here and I was hoping it hasn't turned to shit with all these fucking yahoos coming here in droves these days. It has always been pretty spot on with a nice selection of fish... And to my surprise, it was still spot on with the place being so packed on this visit. I mean the quality of people in here was suspect... And usually the quality of food reflects the type of people in the joint. Yes, there were a shitload of pedestrians but look at that platter, it was colorful, vibrant and fresh. They even included the sweet shrimp which I didn't even have to ask... Speaking of skrimps...

Sweet Shrimp Heads. This is the best part of the sashimi deluxe... I fucking love eating brains and heads.

I absolutely hate the fucking crowds they draw in these days... It's full of fat smelly interlopers who order fried rice and California rolls because they read about it on Yelp. But that's the price you pay for being so good for so long. At least I had the pleasure of enjoying their menu for the last few years in a somewhat peaceful setting with the ex-pats. I don't even know where the ex-pats are anymore, I never see them in there nowadays, maybe they found a new secret joint... I wanna know! I don't get as excited coming here anymore because of the pedestrians this strip mall brings in since they opened the Revolting Play-Doh conveyor belt sooshee next door. This strip mall has become such a shit show goat rodeo that I don't come as much as I used to... As for Shoya, the massive menu for the most part is still pretty tasty, but the portions have decreased and the prices have increased. And they are becoming more gentrified with each passing day as evident by the new plebeian items found on the menu like the fucking poke ... My once favorite izakaya will be reduced to a Ru San's inevitably. I will keep going until they put a gyoza hot dog on the menu.