This dump looks like it's been here for ages and ages... They probably witnessed the dawn of the Jurassic period and attended the baby shower for King Tut. These types of fusion/2-in-1 Asian cuisine restos are dime a dozen these days since 1984. I don't even have to look at the menu to know that they serve really slutty Chino grub for the gwailo's palate... But I don't care... Especially, when I'm boozing like a dirty fucking hobo and make poor life choices. Which was exactly what I did recently. Oh, this fat fuck was a real piece of work the past 2 weeks... Oh, I was in obeast mode. Then I woke up with my head in the toilet bowl contemplating life's mysteries... Is this it? Eating, drinking, fucking, sucking, snorting... Then what? You're 50. You got a marsupial pouch for a belly. You got tits, you need a bra. They got hair on them. You got a liver, they got spots on it and you're eating this fucking shit...
Goddamn right I'm eating this shit... Slutty Chino is the rejuvenation juice from a week of heavy medication of the brown juice. Jesus, I can hear my limo driver, Lloyd, saying, "Man, you are one pathetic loser!" I'm rubber and you're glue... Wait, I'm more like blubber and poo, whatever I eat comes back up and gets all over you. Speaking of poo... Let's see what this place is all about after all these years.
Walked in, what a dump... Jesus, did they film The Last Dragon in here and left the set props? There's a zombie fish in the aquarium that looked eerily like Sho'nuff... I'm kinda skeered, now. I wanted to leave but there was a server that had Bruce Leroy's hairdo guarding the front door. I haven't seen an Asian dude use Jheri curl activator in decades. Shit, I'm stuck here but I don't even care anymore because I'm still fucked up from the night before. Just get it over with, pouch... You know you'll get IBS-D no matter what you eat anyways...
If I didn't get my head out of the toilet, I would prolly eat what I regurgitated earlier like a fly. So, I dragged my fat sauced ass over here for some lunch. You get a choice of the standard issued wings or spring roll and a soup. I went all in. The spring roll was your run of the mill crispy pouch filler with not much flavor. The wonton soup was that thick dough blanket with barely any filling found at almost every Chino dump. The hot & sour soup was not as thick as I thought it would be, they used the corn starch slurry sparingly which was nice. The wings were surprisingly tasty, the thick sweet sauce was finga licking good, but no 2 finga diet was necessary afterwards. This was the classic slutty apps.
General Tao's Chicken. This saucy fried nugget dish is such a classic for the hangover cure. But for fuck sake, what is that? Looked like stir fried possum taint. No wonder they misspelled Tso. I don't even know what cooking technique they used for this slop. The brown sauce was so liquidity... Like a Tauntaun afterbirth, but it will keep you warm in these frigid times. The supposedly fried soggy chicken pieces tasted like shit, close your eyes and it could be canned dog food... Even Rachael Ray's Nutrish dog food tastes better than this gruel. Mmm, it's duh-lish! This version was not crispy and spicy at all, it was bland and somehow looked like Mongolian beef. How do you fuck up this staple of every hole in the wall Chino joint... What a let down. I need another shot.
Vegetable Lo Mein. Ok, this is another staple of the slutty Chino grub category that can solve most of your alcohol or drug induced problems. It was not a pretty dish to look at but this was not bad at all... A nice portion of noodles to veggies ratio. I don't know why stir fried veggies and toothy noodles always taste so good the day after a night of heavy drankin'. This tasted pretty good right now but don't ask me for an opinion if I ate this sober.
Wait, you oinkers, we're not done yet... That was just the slutty Chino side, they got a slutty Sooshee side, too... And oh, y'all know the pouch won't pass up a chance to do a double header for my readership of one... Shit, why not, I was here already. And when you're a fat fuck like me, you just can't say no... But I also didn't want to drive back here later on. Let's see how Fuji Ya's fish shipment from Tsukiji market tastes today...
Thursday $1 Sushi included a large assortment... Taste the rainbow, motherfuckers. Ok, y'all know what kinda quality we're gonna get with dolla sooshe day... Look at that presentation, woof. Who rolled these, real Cubans? Where's the cigar box? I have seen better looking raw fish and rolls at the Clermont Lounge. Except that the rolls at the CL are more than a mouthful and fishier than chum on a charter boat. Don't even expect any style of plating here, it looked like they served the sushi on a styrofoam cooler lid. You'll be lucky if these pieces are sliced evenly and stayed intact when you pick it up. For what it was, it was all borderline acceptable and I'm being nice about it. It was so visually unappealing that I wanted to stab my eyes out with chopsticks if there were any available. If you have to ask for chopsticks in an Asian resto, that may be a red flag... Wait, they don't serve Thai food here or do they? Is it too much to ask them to plate the sushi diagonally instead of side by side like a military parade in North Korea... Making it look nice on the plate would have made a huge difference to the diner, but what do you expect for a dollar.
Soft Shell Crab. I think Ripley just shat her teeny underpants... Did this come out of Kane's stomach? Looked like a battered and deep fried baby alien rolling around in a Caesar salad with a puke bucket in the corner. Why did they quarter this creasture... Can't even tell if it was crab or crap. It was mostly batter with a little mushy crab bits inside. Do people actually water down ponzu to save a little money? I usually don't complain about soft shell crab but this may be the only exception in this one horse town.
$1 Tempura- sweet potato, zucchini, shrimp, scallop, salmon and red snapper. Holy shit, when I thought they couldn't surprise me any further... They really stepped up to depress the pouch with this exhibit. How fucking high can they pile that tiny plate up with all that heavily battered and fried slop... They must be fucking expert level in Jenga. I love fried food as much as the next porker but this was just a hideous mess... It was like looking down the hatch of a Porta Potty on the 3rd day of Music Midtown. You can't even tell what was what and when you pile fried food on top of each other they don't stay crunchy for long. They kinda just glued themselves together. I don't know if they got the memo but Japanese tempura is not suppose to be heavy. It was like eating the same corndog one after another.
If you're looking for average Chinese or Japanese cuisine, this joint ain't it... As for slutty Asian, it was barely acceptable even after a night of heavy boozing. They have been here for a long time and nothing has changed from the decor to the menu. If you threw up in one of the booths no one will even notice, it would just blend in with the previous puke stain... I almost puked just thinking about the zombie fish in the tank and the sooshee I just ate. I think this is the big one... I'm coming to join ya, Elizabeth! Get off the toilet, I need it, STAT.
Flush.
4135 Lavista Rd #310
Tucker, GA 30084
www.luckykeyfujiya.com
1 comment:
Precious was big but not as big as the oinkers I slayed in sophomore year, I met them at the mess hall and lured (rolled) them back to my room with a triple order of wings. I fed them ATM style and we played Marco Polo with 2 cases of Jolt and Shasta... I didn’t know if they were coming or going, it was light, it was dark but I was so fucked up I thought I was at the Omega Mu’s House. You think ATL has a cheekan bones problem... the room smelled like grease, the floors were sticky, the heifers fast asleep and then my roommate walked in... he puked and shat his underpants and put in a room change request. I got the room to myself for the rest of the semester... I shoulda done this during freshman year. Thanks for the mammaries.
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