EATaliano Kitchen

So, the old Loehmann's plaza has been totally renovated to look all modern and shit and renamed to "Brighten Park"... What a stupid ass name. Everyone will still call it Loehmann's Plaza. What's even more stupider is this new resto's name... At first glance, I thought the name was "EAT alone no?". But then I thought, why the fuck would anyone open up an Eyetalian joint where you would eat alone... This ain't Ichiran ramen in NYC were you eat alone in a booth. Eating alone works with ramen because it's such a spiritual event when you're downing an epic bowl of tonkotsu without whiny motherfuckers distracting you. But then I remembered to used the Hooked on Phonics that I learned when I was just a small coin pouch a long time ago and realized that it was a play on words... EATaliano = Eat Italian. They sho' are crafty! Shit, it was as easy as dialing 1-800-ABCDEFG!
Speaking of easy, Italian grub has always been a pretty simple and popular cuisine that has basically become the epitome of the American cuisine throughout the nation. There are millions of pedestrian Italian chains littered all over the map that it has single-handedly created the obesity epidemic for the last 40 years and there's no end in sight... Umm hmmm, never ending pasta bowls anyone? So, do we really need another generic Eyetaliano concept from the Marcello's and Vinings NY Pizza Exchange people in this newly revamped intown strip mall? Well, it doesn't matter what the pouch thinks but they think they do... Let's check it out... At least once for my one reader...

Is this a subliminal message to munch on some carpet... Only if the drapes match the rug.

Their booze list was pretty standard and a bit overpriced because they wanted to be like Buckhead, but it did have one surprise, an Iwai Japanese whisky that I was the first person to open the bottle... C'mon, you think people who come here even knows anything about Japanese whisky... Iwai is not as well known or pricey as other Japanese whiskies, but their bourbon-esque characteristics give it a simple and eloquent taste... Which paired well with a pint of Yuengling for that nice Japanese-American balance.

Caesar Salad. You really can't fuck up a caesar salad unless you stir fry it with a can of La Choy chow mein. I really love a great caesar, the bold flavor of the anchovies in the dressing truly sets it apart when it's done right. This came out ok... As in ho-hum run of the mill... Not bad, not great, just average. I didn't expect this place to make the dressing from scratch, but if they did then there was no trace of any anchovies used.

Arancini. Now, I know what they do with the leftover risotto... Mix it all up in a bucket and use them later on. They were pretty large balls, had a nice crust on the outside but it was total mush on the inside. Not that it's supposed to be al dente but these just tasted old on the inside... And I thought they smelled bad on the outside. You had to drown them in marinara to mask the taste. They just tasted sloppy overall.

3 Colore Margherita. When you put an "e" on the end of any word, it makes everything more gourmet. This classic 'ZA was so gourmet that it shouldn't even be called a Margherita anymore, it should be called a Fauxgherita. Look at the globs of Silly Putty-like mozzarella on there... I wonder if they could lift the comic prints off a newspaper. Shaq might be on to something, according to this pie, the world is indeed flat. If you get to the edge you might ooze off like the mozzarella here. No Margherita pie is complete without a few sprinkles of fresh tomato half slices and half-assed chopped basil. Take a bite and you'll be chewing on the rubbery mozzarella glob for a good bit. The crust looked thick on the edge but it gets thinner as you work your way into the center... There is no balance, just all dough on the crust and floppy thin at the point when you separate the slices. This might be the saddest Margherita 'ZA I have seen since Mama Niki's... It's not impossible to make a decent Marg 'ZA in a regular pizza deck oven but the ingredients used on this pie wouldn't turn out any better in a real wood burning oven. The amount of rubbery mozzarella is just baffling.

Cannelloni Bolognese. Did someone just gave birth in the back? Holy placenta, this looked concerning. Was the cannelloni sous vide in a bag of meat(less?) sauce and poured on this plate? And why did they top it off with toothpicks? ...Oh, that's "shredded" parmesan. Yeah, that looks like quality parm. The sauce was way too sweet and it blanketed the entire flavor and texture of the cannelloni which there weren't much even to begin with sans the sauce. It's just such an unappetizing presentation, I have seen better plating in a 5th grade home ec class. That sad piece of plebian bread would prolly look better under all that sauce as well. I have poured out better looking cannelloni from a can of Chef Boyardee..."Meaty filling, homestyle pasta, yummy meatsauce, all rolled up into one!"

Veal Marsala. WTF is that? Did they just scrape off leftovers from another table onto a new plate and threw on more toothpicks? I have seen better looking Russian women that this. Look at that piece of "veal" scalloppini... Sure, it was pounded thin but it tasted like it was deep fried for 15 minzies, it was hard as an air hockey puck. The marsala cream sauce looked like soapy dish water and lacked any Marsala fortified wine flavor. The pappardelle looked pretty decent but they were crunchy, not al dente, under cooked. This was one of the ugliest looking dish I have ever seen... And it tasted like 3 day old leftovers.

Cheese Calzone. I saved the best for last... Server brings it to table and then says, oh, I forgot to brush it with butter.... Yes, motherfuckers, he said "butter". When it came back to the table, I'm like... Is that a skate wing or a calzone? It looked like they dipped the entire thing in a vat of fat. The amount of Silly Putty mozzarella in there was so overwhelming, I like cheese but shit, bro, it was like a giant Polly-O string cheese empanada. The ricotta was lost in translation here, there were none to be found. Sad to say, but this may have been the best dish of the night... And it was maybe like a 3 out of 10. The dough/crust was actually pretty decent.. It came out last, so that's proof enough for me that they made this to order. If they actually used some quality mozz and ricotta, this would have been pretty decent and edible. Once, it cooled down to room temp, the giant glob of mozz in there was like a Wham-O giant super ball. And quit it with the butter glaze... It ain't a steak from LongHorn.

If you're thinking about bringing a date to this joint... Think again. You may actually want to EAT alone here first. The food was so boring and average that Olive Garden actually sounds exciting right about now... Even a CiCi's Pizza buffet have more appeal. It's not rocket science, but they still need to do a lot of work on executing these rather simple common eyetalian dishes that should be made fresh daily. They were all forgettable... Except for the service which was just ok. The server said they were trying to be like Buckhead... I'm like what the fuck, yo. Why would you want to do that? Because Buckhead is hip and trendy and full of beautiful people, naturally. Jesus, if they are trying to ginzofy this area, it ain't gonna work... Because no self-admiring guido would bring his mama in his IROC-Z to eat here... A dancer, wait, an artist (arr-tease) from Pink Pony, perhaps, paying in singles. Speaking of dollar bills, the server decided that he deserved more tip than what was written on the check, so he added another 10% on top of the more than generous tip left. I check my credit card online everyday and I always round up to a whole dollar amount... If you're gonna try to trick me with writing in a bigger tip for yourself at least do it in whole dollars, not some odd number with change. And btw... FUCK YOU, you stupid motherfucking cunt for your dishonest, low rent, fraudulent, dick move on changing a customer's check. When this place shutters and we all know it will with this sub-par grub, you will be eating alone at Moe's crying into your burrito bowl.

There is really no reason to go back, the food was below average, the booze was overpriced and the service, well... I usually expect a kiss before I get fucked in the ass.

Pump, pump... Flush. 

2480 Briarcliff Rd NE #21
Atlanta, GA 30329
http://eatalianokitchen.com/