The Boss Burger

The pedestrian world has been turned upside down with the recent announcement that IHOP is changing it's name to IHOb for a temporary PR stunt that got the entire interwebverse guessing what it could be... A great perturbance was felt in the trailer parks, as if millions of pervy peckerwoods suddenly cried out in toothless terror, and were suddenly silenced when their wooden dentures fell out. I fear something terrible will happened to IHOb. I don't even know when the last time I was in an IHOP for the pancakes let alone the burgers... But they shoulda changed it to IHOBO instead because half of the people eating and working in there look more homeless than Danny Bonaduce.
Speaking of douches and burgers, Chili's has been trying to work on their burger game, again. So, they unveiled this abomination they call the "THE BOSS" in a few test markets a couple of months ago, they shoulda named it the BEAST, instead... Because it's made up with 5 different types of meats and has a total of 1,650 calories and they actually dare you to take the challenge for $14.49... "Can you CONQUER THE BOSS?" Jesus fucking Christ, are you shittin' me? ...More like he will be shittin' on me after inhaling that creasture. If this is not a desperate cry for help, I don't know what is... Depression is a serious mental health issue these days and the Pouch is all about helping others. But I couldn't help people off the ledge since they were not in the Atlanta market yet... Until now. It's time for the Pouch to do it's good deed for it's one reader... Even though, this burger prolly won't do any good for my bowels.
Walked into the Toco Hill location late one Friday night after boozing alone in my bathroom with the vent fan on high and it was a total shitshow... And depressing as fuck. The place looked like the afterbirth of a BDSM show at The Chamber. It was filled with low rent mutts of all sorts... Which included the workers, patrons and this fat fuck. How the fuck is this dump still in business? It looks filthy, it smells rancid, and it feels sticky like the underbelly of a subway seat. Speaking of underbelly, I was even scared to sit in the bar area, where did all these obeast mutants come from and why are they intown? After waiting 8 minzies to be seated in the back dining room, I waited another 22 minzies for a server to drop off the menus and then another 9 minz for them to take my order. I never got that whiskey cocktail which was probably a blessing in disguise... Hell, I already knew there will be a lot of blessings of their hearts on this journey. I was so over it already and was about to walk out... Then this motherfucking behemoth came out in like 5 minutes. Before we tackle the challenge, let's take a quick look of the advertisement for their new baby before we dig into it...

The caption reads: "THE BOSS. The burger all other burgers report to. Smoked brisket, rib meat, jalapeño-cheddar smoked sausage, bacon, cheddar, lettuce & tomato, House BBQ and house-made ranch. We. Dare. You. 14.49"
I think they forgot something. Where the fuck is the burger.. It didn't report in, did it go AWOL like I was about to 5 minzies ago? For almost $15, this better include the burger...

First thing I noticed was the burger patty which was a good sign. I asked for mid-rare twice, stressing it on a third time when I ordered it. Hopefully, they heard me correctly. Tis was a tall ass burger and held together with a wooden dowel in the center instead of a steak knife like in the picture. Comes with pickles and fries... Whatever, filler. I'm here for the manmeat challenge, not some dweeby root vegetables. While it looked impressive on first glance, it's time to take a closer look.

Let's deconstruct this Boss Hog- Top bun, bacon, jalapeno sausage, pulled rib meat, brisket, cheddar cheese, beef patty, tomato, lettuce, ranch, BBQ sauce, bottom bun... And everything looked dried out except for the watery ranch that dripped off the manmeat like dick cheese. There's no fucking way anyone can eat this like a normal burger... Not even the most experienced cocksucker can get a little bit of everything in one bite. I cut this thing in half to see the temp of the burger and as expected they don't speak English, they just nodded their heads like they understood what mid-rare was... The patty was as gray as the bottom of my fire pit. But it may not have been a bad thing... Do I really want mid-rare meat in this joint? Maybe if I wanted an instant case of IBS-D... Even if I did, it wouldn't have showed in this joint. The entire thing was cooked way in advance and assembled to order with dried out pieces of meat or globs of fat on the brisket. There's nothing boss about this burger except the price... The real challenge here is not that if you can eat it all, it's if you're smart enough to walk away from the challenge or not to even step foot into this dump in the first place.

Sampler Platter- Fried pickles, onion rings and chicken crispers. After that dismal display of dried up manhood, this appetizer sampler platter fared way better. Everything was crispy and tasted freshly fried. Some times the most boring items are the best items in places like this.

Bottomline: The Boss Burger bombed big time. If I'm gonna inhale 1650 calories in one sitting, at least make it worth my while in this shithole. This was one of the worst dining experiences in a very long time and that's tough to beat with all the awful chain restos out there. I swear, challenges like this will be the death of me... Not that being obeast  already and eating Popeyes on a weekly basis won't do me in first. But I will continue to take on any challenge for my one fan and for the children, unless my hooves get another bout of gout... Then I'll have Uber deliver it and feed me.

Shit, IHOb just announced a burger challenge... FML. Okay, I'll do it...

Flush.