Urban Wu

Sichuan cuisine has become the new trendy cuisine of the month in all the major cities... Even Eater New York just put out an article titled "How Sichuan Became NYC's Dominant Chinese Cuisine". The Pouch loves to eat some spicy ass Chino grub but gwailo, puh-leez... Fuck that shit. Sichuan will never be better than Cantonese. Even this one horse town has been getting into the act. Ok, Atlanta has no shortage of Sichuan restos, some are just watered down wannabes and some are surprisingly pretty good. And of course, the good ones are on Buford Hwy, Pleasant Hill, Duluth and Smyrna. Wait a minzie, Pouch... Smyrna? Are you fucking smoking cracklings?
Ok, I admit that the original Tasty China in Marietta was quite good back in the day when you know who was cooking there. Big Peter shafted us by mysteriously disappearing for a lengthy period of time and then resurfaced in Atlanta to help open up Tasty China II (aka Peter Cheng's) in the old Rio Bravo space. Then the Sichuan magician fucking disappeared again without notice and he was spotted in the woods of Tennessee and Virginia... There was even a blurry photo of him online taking a leisurely stroll in the Alaskan wilderness. This guy is like the big foot of Sichuan cuisine. Not surprisingly, TC2 shuttered not long after he left for good but the owners had a grand plan to make their mark in the mainstream gwailo market with the opening of Jai in the PCM. Jia was as dumb down as Gu's Dumplings when they shuttered their once great Gu's Bistro on Buford Hwy to cater to the roundeyes' delicate palate in hipster KSM. Then Gu's tried to redeem themselves by opening another "authentic" Sichuan joint on Buford Hwy, the menu was overpriced and still catering to the hipster crowd who will never be regulars. Both Jia and Gu's were major fails to introduce the hot and numbing cuisine to the general population... But to their credit, they were able to Jedi mind trick enough pedestrians to accept their grub as the real deal... So many suckaz, so little General Tso's cheekan.
Let's get back on track here... Sometimes the cellulite around my marsupial pouch clots the blood flow to my pea brain and I start talking smack about nothing... Like why don't they have more Smurf porn online. After the opening of Jia, the TC crew started thinking about opening another Tasty China in the same-ish area of the original Marietta location in Smyrna. Why would anyone open two of the same resto in the same proximity? They ain't Willy's. It's not like there is a huge Asian community over there. I have not gone back to the original Marietta location in many moons but I did make a couple of visits to the Smyrna location and it was totally acceptable with a couple of outstanding dishes. Now, a couple of ex-employees from TC decided to hit up the Buckhead crowd because they are suckaz for anything new and also willing to pay up for it. I know what they were thinking, "Shit, if it worked for Jia in PCM, it's gonna work in Buckhead with all the brodudes and bradudes. Let's do this shit!" I'm pretty sure that's exactly what they said.
I rarely go to Buckhead these days because my Rascal Heavy Duty Mobility Scooter has only a 10 mile range due to my excessive weight but I can always plug it in when I get over there. I will not let something like electricity get in the way of delivering the goods to my one reader.
Let's see if this joint is as good as Tasty China or just another fraud like Jia in disguise... I ain't even gonna fucking pussyfoot around, I'm going straight for the jugular.

Sichuan Pickled Vegetables, $6. Skip this slop, shit wasn't even pickled. What a joke.

Beef Tendon & Tripe in Chili Sauce, $10. This was pretty good, a nice balanced portion of tendon and tripe... Not spicy enough, though. Make sure to ask them for extra spicy.

Peanut Salad with Black Vinegar, $7. Not as good as Tasty China's version. Needs more black vinegar, it's barely visible and lacks the kick that a properly vinegar marinaded peanuts should give... And not to mention a total rip off for the price they're charging for some Chino beer nuts.

Dan Dan Noodles with minced beef, $7. Thank god, they didn't drown it in some disgusting red clay broth like at Pao Pao Ramen Factory. After mixing it all up, I thought it would taste spicier than it looked. Always ask for extra chili oil/paste to add to taste. It's still a very decent specimen, maybe just ask them to make it spicy when ordering.

Mala Beef Roll, $8. I like the bait and switch on the napa cabbage for iceberg lettuce. 99% of the pedestrians wouldn't even notice but this fat fuck did... It ain't a big deal but c'mon, it's fucking napa cabbage, that extra nickel ain't gonna kill y'all on the bottom line. First off, don't fucking call it "Mala", take that shit off until you know what the meaning of Mala is. Shit wasn't even spicy but it dripped watery red oil on the plate when you try to eat it. Half of the roll was filled with shredded iceberg that it fell apart with the first bite. There's no fucking way they cut those sloppy rolls without a bread slicer contraption. Save the dough for something else on the menu.

Dry Fried Eggplant. This is the weirdest thing, this dish is not even on the menu but it's one of their best selling dishes. I guess if you forget to order it then it's your fault, suckaz. But there is a dish called Sichuan Style Stir-Fried Eggplant which could be it, who the fuck knows, just ask them for the dry fried eggplant so you know what you're getting. I ain't got the time to be rolling the dice and taking any chances that something else comes out. It's a hefty portion but it's also half full of scallions, and there's no fucking need for that much scallion filler in this dish or any dish. The fried eggplant logs were good looking but the batter was thick as fuck. It's crispy in an armor plating kinda way. The flavor was pretty good but the thick crust was the only thing that I kept thinking about over and over again. I'm really on the fence with this classic dish...  But if they can get the crust thinner I would definitely order it again.

Mapo Tofu, $11. It's the simple classic dish that I consider if a resto is the real deal or a fraud. Some joints do it porkless so they can consider it as a veg dish but I prefer it with minced pork... The pork flavor puts it on another level. This joint does not use pork so it's a strict veg dish. For $11 without pork, it's kind of a ripoff... But where are we again? Oh, yeah, Buckhead... Marked up 3000 percent for a tofu dish with chili sauce and fermented black bean sauce that cost 99 cents. This version was totally acceptable even without the pork bits... I would totally get it again but once, I see the price of it again, I may be looking elsewhere on the menu to spend my money on. This is at most a $9 dish.

Braised Fish in Chili Oil, $14. One of the most important dishes for a Sichuan resto. I was really hoping they would execute this properly and... They didn't disappoint. I was surprised and relieved at the same time which made the Pouch happy. This was a good showing and it proved they could do something right. Plenty of tender fish slices and enough nuclear red broth to soak an entire bowl of rice with... The only complaint is that I would have liked it a bit more spicier... But once again, ask them to make it flaming spicy when you order it. I'm happy again, now.

Sichuan Style Stir Fried String Beans, $11. Since, I was in such a good mood after the spicy fish bowl, I also didn't mind the string beans being made without the minced pork bits. The execution was good enough that the flavor of it made up for the missing pork bits that usually gives it that extra layer of flavor. It's a good veg dish that I would order again.

Home Style Honey Roasted Chicken, $14. It says battered and fried crispy, stir-fried with fresh garlic and carrots in a sweet honey house sauce. Those are some of the greenest carrots I have seen, they must not be ripe yet. They make it sound like it was such an authentic Chino dish but it was nothing more than a PF Chang fried chicken slices gringo dish. But this fraudy fusion dish didn't stop this fat slob from trying it... Everyone, errr, I mean my one fan knows that I love fwied chicken in any form and I ate the fuck outta it even if it wasn't a real Chinese dish. The chicken slices are thin and the crust is thick but this is the perfect hangover food the next day. Would I order it again? Fuck no, bro. Save the money for Popeyes afterwards.

Shan City Chicken, $13. This is another classic dish that can make or break them, but the server was adamant about pushing the shrimp option for another $3. This FOB doesn't know who she's dealing with... Don't fucking mess with the Pouch's fwied cheekan. I just ate fake fried chicken and I'm ready to eat it again. Fuck the shrimp, just get me the cheekan, wimman! This did not disappoint... It was light years ahead of that last bullshit fried chickenhead dish. Beautifully fried and seasoned nuggets of genetically modified poultry with enough Sichuan peppercorns to tingle your tongue and taint. Ok, it was all fucking white meat but what do you expect in Buckhead? If it was dark meat... I would have jizzed all over my pants on the spot. I would get this again... It's worthy enough for the Pouch.

Eggplant with Spicy Garlic Sauce, $12. Another classic claypot casserole dish... And it came out bubbling hot like a cauldron. The eggplant was tender and tasty but the garlicky brown sauce was not spicy and a bit too sweet... But not to the point where it was cloyingly sweet. Yet again, we have to look at their target demographics in this area. It was an acceptable dish but I would try another dish next time.

Wu's Crispy Pork Rib, $15. It says battered and deep fried to crispy, then tossed with special flavorful seasonings... Hmmm, you mean covered with panko. I started laughing at it because it looked like someone kicked fresh mulch over a pile of fresh dog shit. After you brush off the bread dust, the ribs didn't look battered nor deep fried. It looked like it was braised and then maybe flash fried. They were ultra tender and pulled of the bone with ease and it was seasoned well... But it just didn't wow me. It was nothing special. Let's face it, it was just regular old ribs with panko on top. And the wood plank they served it on turned out to be plastic with a sticker on the bottom that said Made in China... Hey, at least one thing was authentic.

I must admit that this new Sichuan joint in Buckhead was a pleasant surprise given that every Sichuan joint that has attempted the intown scene and hipster crowd have all turned out to be dead on arrival on authenticity... Jia and Gu's are not Sichuan, not even close but not everyone wants true Sichuan flavors, they just like to tell other people they do. Of course, not all the dishes sampled here were authentic or turned out great but there were enough dishes that did which made it weigh in favor on the Pouch's good side... And that requires a lot of weigh since I'm so fucking obeast.
Jesus, I was just scrolling back up to see all the dishes that was had in one night... Thanks fat fuck, you did it again! Seriously, I have no self control... Nor respect. I'm like a hoarder of food. I don't even know if my Rascal's grocery basket has enough room for all the leftovers... I guess I'll just have to eat some of it on the way home. Oh, shit, did I plug that fucker in? I will be shit outta luck if there isn't enough juice for the ride back because I can feel the gout kicking in right about now...

PS- Don't even think about getting the weekday lunch or dinner entree menu... I tried it and it sucked ass big time. It's amazing that their crappy lunch specials came out of the same kitchen.

3330 Piedmont Rd NE
Ste 22B
Atlanta, GA 30305
www.urbanwu.com

Pao Pao Ramen Factory & Bar

This joint has been in the works for awhile that I forgot all about it until it finally opened at the newly refreshed Toco Hill shopping center a couple doors down from Spiller Park. I have never been to their other location because it is all the way up at the Mall of Georgia. No fucking way I'm going all the way up to Buford to be disappointed... Now, I can get disappointed a lot closer to home. Look at this joint, I already know what's in store for this corpulent slob... You don't need to have the force to figure this concept out. It's not a Jedi mind trick but my midichlorian count is quite high for this fat fuck, along with my cholesterol. Every thing about this place oozes what the love child of Ru San's and Panda Express would be. Why am I doing this, again? Oh, yeah, I made a promise to my one reader to report all that's fit to eat and not. Dear, 8 pounds 6 ounces, newborn infant baby Jesus... Help me get through this. Thank you for all your power and your grace dear baby god, amen.

Claiming to be a "Ramen Factory" is ballsy if you can't deliver the goods... But the Pouch is always game for any joint that asserts themselves to be a ramen shop. Since, I have never been to their location in upstate Georgia, it's nice that they opened a location intown for all the ramen connoisseurs who have OTP syndrome. Walked in and the host grabs a menu and asks, "Chopsticks or fork?" Come again? I swore you asked chopsticks or forks... And this was coming from an Asian speaking to another member of the tribe. Don't fucking make me slap you so hard that it will send you back on the boat you came from. I will Shanghai your ass. But yes, chopsticks, pweez... I will play along.

Did I just smoke crack... Because I don't know what the fuck is going on here... It's part cartoon and part real pictures of assorted veggies. Only thing missing is ganja.

Look at this poor bastard floating in space... Like most black holes, it's pink and toothless and it can suck the chrome off a '79 Chevy bumper... Or inhale a giant bowl of noodles surfing a wave in the milky way.

They had the drink menu on every table and the nigori selection and beer prices weren't too bad... Too bad they aren't serving booze yet... It woulda been nice if you told me before I had my mind set on a drink. Why the fuck is the drink menu even on the tables if you ain't serving yet? Dick teasing mofos. I guess I have will have to get something from their "Dessert Drink" menu...

Wow, how exciting... I drooled a little on myself from falling asleep reading this menu. But I do like mango, though... Don't do it, jackass, don't be fucking stupid says the Pouch... This may be my only visit, so, I might as well go all in...

Mango Bubble Tea. Ugh, I already know the verdict on this by the color of it. Took a sip, yep, down the drain is where this $4 swill belongs. It was so watery and you can taste the chalky powder mix in every sip. The mango flavor was so artificial tasting that it would take zero intelligence to figure out it wasn't natural.

Who came up with this menu, Hong Kong Phooey? Everything on this small plate menu is full of Panda Express finest. The only things that looked acceptable was the squid karaage, takoyaki, buns... Fuck it, just do it like Tiger... Out of 12 tries, 1 has to be a winner... Or else there will be no comeback.

PaoPao Bun, pork belly. What in all that's holy is this thing... Iceberg lettuce? Who you trying to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco? Well, the Pouch is more like loco moco... Seriously, though, what the fuck is this? Do y'all take me for a jerk? Go see a doctor and get rid of it. I have seen cleaner skanks in a Phuket brothel than this specimen... Come to think of it, it coulda been a kathoey, I need to go cry in a shower, now. Ok, back to this thing... What the fuck is that white glistening jizz? It's so fresh that the sperm is still swimming up stream. You pick it up and it drips like an AMF Harley. I opened up this deflated bun and the pork belly looked like it was boiled in a vat of 10w-30... Conventional no less. It was grayish and pale and mostly all fat. It's no wonder why they doused it in Alabama white sauce that has been sitting out in the sun all day. Like the nasty sauce, this $4 bao was broken and heinous. Avoid this PooPoo bun with extreme prejudice.

Sesame Chicken Wings. They were out of the squid karaage, so, I had to settle for the $6 smallish medium sized wings. It says sweet & spicy sesame sauce on the menu... But it's more of a light glaze. It's neither sweet nor spicy but it came out hot and juicy with a light crispy skin. These 5 wings were not craveworthy by any means but after that abysmal display of a pork belly bun, I would even eat a midget's toes.

Takoyaki. $7 for 4 reheated factory frozen "tempura squid balls with bonito fish flakes and Japanese mayo". I asked what's the spicy version, they said, it's just with sriracha and jalapeno slices... Is this a sick joke? I had them put the spicy part on the side anyways because I needed to know. Look at this ridiculous pic... They squirted a little sriracha on the side of the plate topped with a few loose pieces of jalapeno. As expected, they were nothing special... For $7, I coulda got a whole bag of takoyaki at H Mart. This was a total ripoff... Skip it.

Alright, enough of this Doraemon shit... Let's get to the main event. The item that is their claim to fame. After all they are the ramen factory. Let's try a couple of bowls...

Extra Spicy Dan Dan (semi dry), thin noodle, spicy ground chicken, fried onion, edamame, egg. I had to ask why it was semi dry... They said, it's in a broth. I'm like, hell no, yo! Dan Dan is dry with ground pork and chili oil sauce. She said, no way, Hose A... Our dan dan is with broth. She then says, ok, I do it with a little broth at the bottom for you only, number 1, G.I. Why am I talking like that hooker scene in Full Metal Jacket? Because like the movie, this dan dan was all movie magic... No substance or authenticity. Jesus, that's a "little broth"? It looks like fucking hot tub from hell. And the hard boiled eggs were barely soaked in shoyu. The broth looked like Georgia red clay after a rain storm. The thin spaghetti-like noodles were over cooked and mushy. Absolutely no bite to them. The edamame and fried onion was only there for color and a bit of texture- if you ate it right away. Shit, a bag of Shin Ramyun is 100 times better than this, I coulda saved $12 if I stayed home and made instant ramen instead of this bowl of crap. If this was Dan Dan, then I'll be a monkey's uncle... It was more like Lt. Dan Dan. Ramen is like a box of chocolates, you never what's gonna make shit your underpants. I shoulda gotten the Spicy Ninja Ramen with beef tripe and intestine, instead. Oh, well, too bad there ain't gonna be a next time... Even if they are serving booze.

Black & White Tonkotsu, thin noodle, braised pork belly, naruto, bok choy, broccoli, bean sprouts, egg. $13 is about the going rate for a proper bowl of tonkotsu... Since, they are the ramen factory, one would expect them to do this broth correctly. It's the least they can do to redeem themselves. It's a hefty portion and a definite red flag already... Because no one gives away that much tonkotsu broth unless it was watered down to maximize volume/profit. I'm gonna reserve judgement until I have tasted the broth for that all important stickiness from the collagen of the pork bones... Ok, who am I kidding, when does the Pouch ever reserve judgement. Ok, this tonkotsu broth sucks big time. It's not even tonkotsu, it's basically a bowl of 2% milk... Is that Lucky Charms under the broccoli? Fucking broccoli in ramen. There was zero collagen content. It was prolly instant tonkotsu broth. Where's the finesse, the harmony, the zen in this bowl? Look at the presentation, it's a mess... Like a pubescent teen's room. It really looks like a bowl of dirty clothes tossed around. The thin-spaghetti style noodles made another appearance with it's lackluster texture and taste. The generous portion gives the illusion of a good value for the money but who cares if it tastes as depressing as a bowl of gruel... Oliver ain't asking for more.

They Shanghai'd me for almost $60 for this subpar grub... You know how much Popeyes I can get for $60? I would be bathing in it like the Dan Dan. I knew what I was getting into here but I had to confirm it. I get why they opened up in here, their menu fits the demographics around here... Families with feral kids, cosplay geeks, college kids before Maggie's, and people who haven't worked up the courage to explore Buford Hwy because they can't stomach the true cuisines. Don't worry, though... The Pouch couldn't stomach this slop, it was instant IBS-D when I got home 5 minzies later. That fucking soupy Dan Dan looked exactly the same coming out as it was going in... A bloody mess. It should be called Poo Poo IBS Factory + D. 

2929 N. Druid Hills NE

Ste C

Atlanta, GA 30329 

http://paopaoramen.com/

The Po'Boy Shop Revisit

I haven't been back to this joint in a bit but they have been doing some brisk business... It's hard to tell if the local yokels have finally developed a palate or they just come here with their pack of wild kids because it's convenient. I had pretty decent visits here in the past and their menu is pretty good... Their po'boys are the stars here because they use the famous Leidenheimer bread. It's risky business if you try to pass off a po'boy using Pepperidge Farm rolls... Just like Joel says, there is no substitute.
Their po'boys are pretty good but they can be a little chintzy on the sea snots filler aka fried oysters. The fried oyster po'boy is my favorite, but sometimes I don't mind doing half shrimp and oysters. The last time I did, there were barely any oysters... I got fucking gypped.
So, I'm gonna go out on a limb this time and avoid the po'boy... That's blasphemous, Pouch! I know I know but sometimes you gotta say, what the fuck... So, my folks are going out of town, I got the place all to myself... What the fuck. If you can't say it, you can't do it. So, I'm fucking going to say it... What the fuck. Hey Booger, forget the po'boy, I'm getting the Debris!

Debris, slow roasted beef soaked in gravy with horseradish sauce. It's messy! ...That's what she said. Nothing wrong with a little D for lunch... A little manmeat afternoon delight never hurt no one... Unless it's going in from the other end. Ooooh, I just got some goose pimples thinking about that. Look at this filthy specimen, it kinda looked like this pig I hooked up with at the Acme Oyster House after a few dozen oysters and lotsa whiskey... It had hair like Coolio, udders like a goat and a bikini line that looked like it used a Minn Kota trolling motor on it, what a mess that was. Let's just say, I have never eaten a roast beef sandwich that tasted like an opened can of Chicken of the Sea sitting out in the sweltering summer heat of Nawlins in Joo-Lie, but there is always a first, shit, why do I always have to be the first for everything? I blame the aphrodisiac powers from the oysters' bowels for bamboozling me into having bestiality relations with that she-beast... But I lived to tell about it... Just like how I survived to tell my one reader about this friggin dericious juicy manmeat-wich. It's messy alright, if you're thinking about taking this to go... Well, bless your heart then. You have to eat it right away when it comes out or else the meatflap juices will soak through the entire Leidenhiemer bread and turn it into mush and then you will need a spoon to eat it. Don't be a fucking self-deprecating amateur. Even eating it right away in here will be a challenge. Once, you pick it up, you will have to go all the way. You can't just stop halfway through and put it down because you will not be able to pick it up again. It's so goddamn dericious that you won't be able to put it down anyways. The big chunks of savory beef are fork tender and each sublime bite after bite just melts in your mouth. Even the blue hairs can gum this down without their dentures. It's crave-worthy enough to be on my regular rotation. Even Guido the killer pimp would leave the gun and take the Debris.

Cajun Meat Pies, spicy ground beef in a flaky pastry. Boudin Balls, traditional pork boudin with crunchy panko crust. Red Beans and Rice, camellia red beans with ham, tasso and andouille.
There are a lot of manly parts going into my facehole today... Meat packages, balls and beans. And I'm ok with that because I'm secure with my manhood or lack of... That's why I need my daily intake of testosterone supplements. I can envision this glorious man spread on the set of the next Peter North flick. The meat pies were crispy and crunchy and steaming hot inside. The boudin balls were just as good. But the red beans and rice tasted a bit different then my previous visits... They were even better this time around.

This recent visit was a win-win overall... There was nothing to bitch about on this sampler spread which even surprised me. But I have to make fun of something or else my one reader will think I'm on the take to say nice things about them... Those fucking mardi gras umbrellas hanging upside down from the tile ceilings are gaudy as fuck. It makes me want to throw hushpuppies for 3 pointers in there... But then it will attract rats... From the health department. And the local bumpkins won't be happy about that. 
Keep doing what y'all are doing because they get it pretty close to the real deal found in Nawlins'. Next time, I might even brave the muffaletta po'boy... That just sounds so wrong on French bread because we all know it's gotta be on Sicilian sesame bread to be considered a true muff. And I have eaten a lot of muff on different breads, some are even made from their own yeast... Those are not very fresh, so I use extra olive salad and sometimes Italian dressing to flush out the stank on that skank... Wait, are we still talking about a sandwich or that pig I slayed earlier... Everything blends together these days in my old age.

1369 Clairmont Rd.
Decatur, GA 30033
www.thepoboyshopatl.com

The NEW Fork in the Road

The Pouch is a pumpin' and a squirtin' uncontrollably with the news that FITR is now reopened ... Am I dreaming? One of my favorite fwied cheekan in this dusty one horse town is located right next to my other favorite go to fwied cheekan joint... Popeyes! Now, this is my goddamn wet dweam come twue! This is very emotional for the Pouch... Two great fwied cheekan joints side by side. The competition for my money will be fierce... Or will this be an opportunity to kill two chickens with one Pouch? Because I'm no stranger to eating two dinners back to back.
Let's just get right to it... I can't wait to get my sausage fingaz on them fwied thighs and breasts.

FITR has relocated in a former Wendy's spot right next to Popeyes. The shell of the building is unmistakable but the new signage is bright and visible from the street at night. Walked in and it's counter service. You order and find a table and wait for them to call your order number. If they get a rush or a big crowd this will be very inefficient. The interior is refreshed so you don't notice it as a Wendy's on the inside than the outside. Getting rid of the table service may be a bad move because their menu is still pretty extensive with this smaller footprint. Downsizing usually also involves shrinking down the menu... The paper menus stapled together is not properly laid out, you're constantly flipping over the two pages searching to see if they still have something you liked at their old spot. I was baffled that I couldn't find the fried chicken... Am I taking crazy pills? Where The Fuck Is The Fried Chicken?! I have never had such a big hard-on go baby turtle limp as fast as this moment when I found out that they took off the bone in fried chicken. They said it was too time consuming for their new smaller kitchen. Who the fuck gets rid of their number one item that made them who they are? It's like Chick-Fil-A 86ing the chicken sandwich or McDonalds getting rid of the McRib. I wasn't the only person who was fucking livid about the demise of their fried chicken. I hope to fucking god that more and more people complain about it and they bring that shit back ASAP. Motherfuckers, I will wait 30 minzies for that dericious fwied cheekan... It's like crack.
Since, I can't get what I came here for, they do have a few other items that I do adore... Let's see if they still got it. If they don't, then praise the gods for Popeyes next door.

Sweet Cream Cornbread. One of the best sides on their menu and this specimen is still as good as it ever was.

Southern Fried Whole Wings, O Sauce (Hot sauce seasoned with grinded popular Mexican peppers, jalapeno, habanero, japones, morita & arbol chili peppers, caution Very Spicy). I was gonna get the Bombay Bomb sauce again but they said the O sauce was spicier. Since, they 86'd their fried chicken program, I had to get the next closest thing. The whole wings were normal sized wings with a very crispy crust that was not too thick or too thin, just right. The O sauce was a let down. I shoulda stuck with the Bombay Bomb sauce made with ghost chili peppers. They were pretty good wings but they were no substitute for the great fried chicken they used to serve.

Chicken Tenders, Fried Onion Strings, Burning Valley Ranch, Coleslaw. It ain't no bone-in chicken but their tenders were always pretty tasty because they were never frozen and made to order. The tender had a nice flaky crunchy crust and juicy inside. The fried onion strings are good but after a few they were nothing more than filler. The Burning Valley Ranch is a spicy version of regular old Ranch but it wasn't spicy at all. The tenders are good but I don't know if I would get them again.

Clam Strip Platter, Tots. Now, this looked glorious... A clam strip dinner that rivals the great HoJo's clam strip dinner from my days of yore. When I was just a little sack, we were so poor that I would whip up a low rent version of fried clams with a can of drained minced clams and crushed up some C-Town brand chips on top of the clams to give it that deep fried crunch factor. But every once in a blue moon, I would get lucky and find some money in the gutter that someone dropped like Charlie Bucket and I would splurge on the early bird specials at Howard Johnson's... Their clam platter was one of my favorites and FITR brings me right back to HoJo's. The medium order is a generous portion and when paired with some tots, you got yerself a feast for fatness.

Windy City Gyro, Tzatziki. Why would anyone order a gyro from a southern vittles joint? Everything else on the menu has always be a pleasant surprise in the past... So, why the fuck not? Ok, I admit, I was going to get the Philly Cheesesteak first. But I had it a couple of times before and it was good but I wanted to see if they could execute a passable version of this Greek street staple. Let me just say... Halal Guys ain't got shit on this. For a southern fry joint, the gyro was totally acceptable and the tzatziki sauce was flavorful and thick unlike many other places that dilute it to maximize volume. The gyro meat was factory made but it worked with the freshness of the other components. I would get it again but the cheesesteak would be my first choice, though.

Even though, there's no fried chicken available on their relaunch in their new smaller location, their menu is still pretty extensive and the food execution has been consistent and totally acceptable. Are they back on their game? Close but with some more time working with a smaller kitchen they will get their groove back sooner rather than later. I'm just happy they have re-opened and their menu still has most of their fan favorites. I just pray that the 86 of the fried chicken is just a hiatus for the time being... Hopefully, with enough complaints from their loyal patrons they will bring back their dericious fried chicken. They are not complete without it. But not all is lost, Popeyes excellent fwied cheekan can easily replace that void just a few steps away.

Not that I would get Popeyes right after eating all of this grub...

3892 Lavista Rd
Tucker, GA 30084
https://www.forkintheroadga.com/


Ok, sue me and call me a fat fuck... But I couldn't resist walking over next door for the $10 "2 can dine" meal deal and their shrimp tackle box for a little midnight snack at home. What?! FITR's infamous fried chicken was not available... Their loss is Popeyes' gain. That will teach FITR not to get rid of their fwied cheekan... How can you say no to this? It's glorious.

You. Complete. Me... Now, I can die of a heart attack in my sleep...

Bonchon

Some numbnut once said, "Life is a journey, not a destination"... Unless the journey has fried chicken on every other block, I want to get to my destination AS-friggin-AP. So, why the fuck would anyone drive all the way to down to bumblefuckville? The answer is simple... They has cheekan! But, c'mon, Pouch, do you really need to go all the way down to Fayetteville for some fwied fowl? Listen, my darlings, this ain't some jack shack ghetto pigeon deep fried in recycled Castrol oil with 18,000 miles on it... This is Bonchon Corean fwied cheekan, motherfuckers... I ate that dericious shit like every week in NYC. Trust me, it's worth the drive. Wait, I take that back... Bonchon is kickass in NYC but not every expansion location is the same as the others. No matter, I'm still game for anything that has to do with Corean fwied cheekan. Famous last words...
Where the fuck am I? Jesus, this half-a-horse town is as depressing as a Microwave for One cookbook. There's even a H-Mart down here but it's like the walking dead apocalypse up in this piece. There are no food shacks opened for business inside, no customers and no life. This is prolly the most wretched H-Mart I  have ever been in. But why are you in a H-Mart when you are supposed to be at Bonchon? Ok, you got me, mofos! I wanted to see if they had KFC in here... What? Since, I am driving all the way down here, this fat fuck is gonna try to eat as much KFC as it can. There's nothing wrong with checking it out... Why not kill two chicks with one Pouch... Hmm, that sounds like a filthy sex act. Alright, enough of this marlarky, I'm getting the fuck outta this dump before I get bitten by a zombie and heading straight to cheekanhead's. Cuz the Pouch ain't got no time to bleed, when it's ready to feed.
This Bonchon is located in a giant strip mall called the Pavilion, who the fuck even knew this existed in hillbilly land. It's the weirdest location for a KFC joint... I didn't know Fayetteville had a significant Korean community. Who did the scouting and demographic research for this location? Mork from Ork? If someone ever offered me a chicken franchise opportunity down here, I would be saying nanu nanu... That's Korean for "Hell, no, motherclucker!".
Walked in and was expecting the Annyeonghaseyo! greeting but got crickets instead... Some kid comes up and says, "Yo, how many in yo crew?" Wha da fuk... Am I getting punked by a K-Popper wannabe? Are you going to pop and lock me to the table? This shit is weird as fuck already. But the server that took my order was a sweet chubby little FOB.
Let's get to it shall we...

A simple menu that is music to my ears and a feast for the eyes... Let's see if the Pouch's facehole and bowels approve..

 

Popcorn Chicken. This was a special... And it sure was special. The panko crust was crispy and crunchy but the cheekan morsels inside were kinda a non-event. They were flavorless and the spicy mayo sauce made it even more tasteless... How can that be, Pouch? Because all you taste was the mayo jizz in your dirty mouth. The honey made it a little better if you drizzled it all over it... But no way in hell would I order this again. No wonder it was a special... For the special people.

Bibimbap with fried tofu. I don't even know why I ordered this... Maybe I was looking for some balance and variety... Maybe I'm just a stupid fat lardass that should just stick to the KFC plan and nothing else. Ok, the runny egg was great but even after mixing it all up, this crap in a bowl was bland as fuck... How does a crock chock-filled with different ingredients have absolutely no taste? No amount of gochujang could save this giant bucket of hobo filler. A toothless wino on Peachtree and Pine wouldn't even eat this if you gave it to him wrapped up in a hanbok.
Let's skip this nightmare and get to the good stuff already for crying out loud...

Combo 6 Wings and 3 Drums, half spicy & half soy garlic. Jesus Christ, did they air fry this? It looked like the walking dead of cheekan. That crust looked soggy, sad and old as fuck... Like some old hag's wrinkly elbow skin. I swear I saw a Whisperer wear this on their face in the last episode. They say the best way to eat a chicken is with one leg behind each ear... But this is some rancid looking cheekan poontang. Let's see if it's doable if we turn it around on the other side...

Somehow, this looked a lot more appetizing from this side... It's all about the angle of view like an illusion. Kinda like the drawing of the old witch but if you turned it upside down it turns into a hot bangable broad. This was a similar concept, but the cheekan was far from a hot edible chick even from this angle. Why did I break my golden rule of always getting it naked with the sauce on the side... Well, they didn't allow their sauce on the side because they want to make sure it was dressed and coated properly... I know, what a crock of shit, right? Look at that specimen, the sauce was tossed so unevenly... It's like they used a squirt bottle on it. I ain't pumping to this in my dweams anytime soon.
Do I eat a wing or a leg first? Let's go with the safe route and start with a wing... Meh, the sauces made the crust soggy as a sea squirt. Seriously, it was like eating pruney skin after falling asleep in the hot tub. No crunch, no crisp, nothing except a salty after taste on the soy garlic laced lukewarm fowl. The spicy was as spicy as the honey from the popcorn chicken. Neither, the wings nor the legs were anything to write home about... Unless you live in a homeless shelter. Shit, if that stinky hobo wouldn't eat the bibimbap, he would definitely not be sampling this KFC... Even if you promised him a new squeegee.

The KFC here were not prepared the same way as they do in NYC, not even close. No wonder they're hiding down in Fayetteville and not located in the metro Atlanta area. The cheekan was not good at all, ok, it was god awful... I would even eat Brew and Bird's fake ass KFC before this again. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy or millennial hipsters... Wait, the place was fucking full of them man-bun douches. Fayetteville gets what Fayetteville deserves... But every cloud has a silver lining and that is they are too far for me to do anything stupid when I'm libationing on the brown juice. Don't waste you time if you're serious about your KFC.

Flush.

120 Pavillion Pkwy
Suite C
Fayetteville, GA 30214
https://bonchon.com/korean-fried-chicken-fayetteville-ga/

Fudo Food Drinks Sushi

The area that once was known as Chambodia has become so gentrified in the most textbook case of the word. Chamblee is growing rapidly and becoming the target of big name developers with their cookie cutter mixed-use build plan for every shithole nook and cranny around Atlanta. Let's face it, Atlanta is so over built and congested that there is nowhere else to build except out towards OTP where all the minorities live. Eventually, they, too, will be priced out of their own neighborhoods by righteous hipsters who pretend to crusade for the very people that they kick out. In the not so distant future, the acronym OTP will not be taboo anymore because all the ethic grub and mom & pop shops will have no choice but to move further out due to the huge spike in rents that comes with these mixed-use developments... Most small business owners don't have the luxury of unlimited capital from an ultra rich investor like Ford Fry does to back any project at will which is kinda sad. What's even sadder is that the super affordable working man's Mexi-grub found up and down Buford Highway is 100 times better than any overpriced item found on Superica's Mexican't menu.
So, this new mixed-use development in Chamblee is really nothing special, it looks like every other "live work play" layout... But it does have a few dining options in it already and more to come. They got Bad Daddy Burger, Poke Bar, Chronic Tacos, The Alden and now, Fudo... They carefully avoid using the word "fusion" on their website but "wide variety of mixed Asian food" ain't fooling anyone, either. So, what does Fudo mean anyways? Well... "Fudo means food with no limits." No limits is right... There are 72 fucking sushi rolls on the menu! Seven-T-fucking-two rolls and a lot of them have cream cheese. Sounds like just a fancypants Ru San's to me.
I'm not a big fan of sushi rolls because we all know rolls aren't real sushi... But the self proclaimed sushi connoisseurs who don't eat raw fish will gobble that shit up like there's no tomorrow. But they also do have a sushi and sashimi menu which isn't very exciting and seems a bit overpriced for unproven source of product... It's printed on half a sheet of paper that could be easily over-looked. But they did have sweet shrimp which I'm a sucka for every time just like the goddamn spider roll. Jesus, why am I so obese and low rent... No wonder why I can't get a date... I can't even get a date with my hand after sitting on it for an hour to pretend it's a stranger.
Ok, enough of flapping my flabby jowls and fingering the keyboard with my greasy sausage fingaz... Let's take a first look and see if they are just another Ru San's in a Hanbok... But wait, 90% of the menu are rolls! Eh, fuck it, just eat it Pouch, you ain't getting any skinnier. When in Rome, eat as the Coreans eat...

Tori Karaage. Y'all know I can't resist fwied cheekan in any form... I fucking love karaage. But these sad little white meat nuggets were over salted and had a flat wet batter with no texture. Good karaage should always be dark meat and have a light crispy flaky crust with texture so it can grab on to the sauce when you dip it... But with good karaage you really don't need a sauce. I didn't even finish them... How blasphemous! Trust me, skip them, yo.

Assorted Tempura, shrimp, sweet potato, eggplant, zucchini. The presentation looked kinda chintzy compared to the giant bowl of dashi shoyu sauce but once you separate all the pieces, it was a respectable portion with 2 pieces each. The shrimp tempura was hand battered unlike most places with the frozen premade stuff. Not too shabby.

Sweet Shrimp. As with the karaage and spider roll, I just can't resist sweet shrimp, either. You get 3 shrimp sashimi for $12 which is not too bad... But they were kinda small and one biters. It was fine but it really didn't have that sweetness you would expect from a quality sweet shrimp. The presentation was fancy looking but looks don't always mean it's craveworthy. Let's get to the best part of a sweet shrimp...

Fried heads! Easily, the best part of sweet shrimp... Especially, if the heads are filled with mustard or tomalley or whatever the fuck you wanna call them, wait, how about just brains! And I can stare lovingly into their black beady little eyeballs for minutes on end. Oh, my, I'm getting a blood flow just thinking about licking those black little pearls. The spot-on fried heads were better than the shrimp itself. Would I get them again? Nah, save the money for a spider roll... Speaking of which...

Spider Roll. It looked ok when it came out. I was kinda expecting a more visual presentation with the crab legs sticking out at the end like a peacock tail but sadly this crab had like two little retarded legs twisted together. They shoulda named it the Tiny Tim Roll, instead. It wasn't a bad spider roll, it just didn't wow me like a few other places that do it right with plump fried soft shell crab and minimal filler.

King Kong, spicy tuna, avocado, topped with yellowtail, spicy aioli (baked), masago, scallions, crunch. Jesus, is this a picture of a STD? My god, what kinda gonorrhea mess did I get myself into... Do I eat it or build a foundation for a sunroom with it? I know I said, when in Rome, eat as the Coreans eat... But for fuck sake, how do you even eat this monstrosity? It's like a cinder block. I was actually more interested in how they come up with these names... They have one called B.T.S. but don't tell you what it stands for. They shoulda named this one IBS... Maybe this one makes you take King Kong size dumps. This thing was awful... With all that shit on it, you would think it would be an explosion of flavors but this tasted like eating R13 insulation. The Pouch says pass.

X-Men: Dark Phoenix, salmon, yellowtail, spicy tuna, crunch, spicy aioli Topped with black tobiko. What is this, the Nightcrawler's tail? I must admit, this looked a lot more appetizing than the King Dong roll. It looked a lot cleaner and more traditional. While it didn't taste like much of anything, especially, the fish inside, it was still light years ahead of the previous brick roll...Wait, I got Rick rolled on that last one. But that doesn't mean I would ever get this again... Because I wouldn't.

Like I said, I'm not a big fan of rolls... It's like the gateway sooshee for people who doesn't really care for the real stuff. I still remember this loud ass broad at another Japanese joint telling everybody that she absolutely loves sushi but doesn't eat the raw stuff... Yeah, she was one of those people. So, I paid for the California roll, took her home and pumped and dumped it the next day or maybe it was the other way around... Hmmm, Japanese whisky usually have that affect on me.
I can't say if there will be another visit for me in the future but the staff was great and the owner was gracious and I wish them well. I'm sure they will do fine in this newly developed area, it has the right demographics for their sushi rolls galore. They should put a giant menu on the wall and have diners throw darts at it because no matter which roll you pick, it will probably taste the same as the other 71 rolls... Talk about being Rick Roll'd. On second thought, I don't think I will be back but I will bless their heart.

5070 Peachtree Blvd
Suite A100
Chamblee, GA 30341
http://www.fudoatl.com/

Bully Boy

I know what y'all are saying... Where the fuck has the corpulent slob been lately? Has the great glutton gone riding into the sunset of the big toilet in the sky? No motherfuckers, I have been mass consuming vittles at the same rate a blackhole eats up planets, stars and galaxies. I am so fucking obese these days... I am the size of a bully boy. Whales laugh and spit out gallons of plankton at the sight of me. The amount of posts I have to write up are backed up like my bowels... It's almost surreal on how many places I have been to in the last month or two. Between the eating, IBS and crying myself to sleep, I barely have time to write up the Pouch's recent adventures... But I can't let my one reader down. I have sworn an oath to report all that's fit to eat and shit... Let's take a first look at one of the newer concepts from Concentrics...
Anyone remember Nexto... Prolly not, but their name was so fitting. Right after you ate their ramen, you will be saying, NEXT! The space was built out nicely but their "Japanese" inspired menu was extremely pedestrian and lacked excitement. The joint didn't last long, they gave some bullshit excuse about how they're turning it into an private event space or some shit like that... But we all know what that means, no one went back a second time. The place was not getting any traction, not even with the local "celebrity" chef consultant as the face of the place. Then the space went dark for quite awhile, until Concentrics came up with a new concept... A simple menu with no specific cuisine, just a mix of fusion dishes. Yeah, yeah, we all know what fusion means... Usually, a broad mix of different cuisines and the liberal use of the word "inspired by". The menu consists of influences from popular Italian, Thai, Chinese, Japanese, Southern, North East dishes that seems so generic and boring but the menu actually read well. This sounds weird but I'm kinda curious about this joint because Concentrics restos have never gotten me excited in the past, they were all so pedestrian and made for the masses. The interior and the layout hasn't changed much since they already spent the money on building it out for Nexto. It still has that dark cavernous feel to it but it doesn't feel cold... This location could be such a kickass club/lounge space. Ok, enough of the gabbing and start feeding already, Pouch... Do what you do best and consume in mass quantities.

Bourbon #1. I'm usually not impressed with the house cocktail menus... Bartenders these days are always trying to be innovative and breaking the mold which there is nothing wrong with that... But I'm old school and a purist when it comes to cocktails. But this brown juice concoction sounded good with tamarind, lemon and ginger... And it was pretty tasty.

Florida Red Snapper Tartare, red onions, cilantro, leche de tigre, $14. Visually, it doesn't look that appetizing but the ceviche style marinade of the leche de tigre really brings out the flavors of the snapper. It had a nice firm bite to it and the fried rice paper gave it an Asian spin to it.

Crispy Brussels Sprouts,  spicy Thai sauce, lime, $8. C'mon, Pouch, brussels sprouts are so played out these days... I don't give a shit, I still like it like the cheesy Spider Roll that I can't stop ordering at sushi joints. The sprouts look like they were a bit over-charred but it didn't taste like burnt rubber at all. It had a hint of spiciness, nothing Thai hot as advertised but the acidity from lime helped bring out a bit more flavor. It was a good dish, nothing offensive about it.

Blue Crab Mango Salad, blue crab, jicama, green papaya, charred green beans, jerk vinaigrette, $12. When I see papaya salad on a menu, it's guaranteed that it will be on my table. The presentation was nice, it had height to it and vibrant colors. They were not chintzy on the crab meat which was a nice surprise. The papaya and jicama played well together but entire dish was very under-seasoned. The jerk vinaigrette did nothing to maximize the ingredients' flavor. The dish overall wasn't bad, I kinda enjoyed but I would have enjoyed it even more if it was seasoned properly.

Roasted Mushroom Empanada, black garlic aioli, $9. I knew I was gonna get ripped on this $9 empanada but I didn't care, this empanada had me at roasted shrooms and black garlic aioli. It was a normal sized empanada which would had cost about $3 or less at any Mexi joint on Buford Hwy but this was off the beltline and you're gonna pay a premium for it. The crust was crispy and flaky, the roasted shrooms inside was flavorful and tasted pretty good... But the black garlic aioli was kind of a let down, it wasn't as flavorful as it sounds. Barely any garlicky flavor, if it was this would made the empanada worthy of the $9 price tag. Still a tasty bite to try once.

Comfort Farms Rabbit Patty Melt, double stack, brioche, shoe string fries, $17. I was really curious about the New England Clam Chowder Carbonara... It looked like such a Frankenstein dish, I mean who fucking does that? It also kinda made sense in a Bizarro world kinda way but it looked way too rich and fatty which is the last thing I need these days. So, I settled for this rabbit burger thinger with fries because that wouldn't be fatty at all. I was pretty surprised on how tasty this rabbit burger was... Yes, it was greasy as hell but I really enjoyed it. And I ate all the fries as well... Yeah, how's that diet working out for you, Pouch?

I was not expecting much from this fusion menu but it really surprised me with how well their execution of the ingredients in each dish was. Each dish didn't take long to come out and it all seemed to be made to order as well. The one dish that kinda insulted me was the Blue Crab Fried Rice for $26, are you fucking kidding me, bro? Fried rice is like the cheapest dish ever and tossing some crab in it doesn't make it worth 10 times the amount of some day old re-fried rice. I saw it at the next table and the portion of the fried rice was a bit light, they toss an omelette on top of the rice to give more heft and volume for the theatrics of it. I wasn't gonna fall for this banana in the tailpipe trick but the whities were ordering this dish left and right. I was also interested in the Maine Jonah Crab Roll but then the memories of the crab roll at Cousins Maine Lobster made me rethink my decision before I got scammed for a $19 bland canned crab roll again. Then again, they may surprise me with the crab roll... Ok, I'll get it next time. Yes, the probability of a next time at this joint is pretty high. But the Maine Lobster Frites is just too over the top for me at $36... I just can't tell if it's a whole lobster or a half with two claws to trick you. It looked so saucy and heavy with the giant pile of fries that takes up 2/3 of the plate.
The service was really good, my server knew his shit and was attentive and on point... Which makes the whole experience even better. It's like a Jedi mind trick to make you over look the mistakes... The service has a strong influence over the weak pouched. I have to give credit when credit is due... This visit was very pleasant, the vibe was cozy without feeling confined and the food was more than acceptable and playful. This resto may be the best concept Concentrics has came up with in a long time. I would go back with more people to try more things but all my friends are either imaginary or incarcerated... Y'all know what I'll be doing tonight...Crying myself to sleep... Again.

828 Ralph McGill Blvd
Atlanta, GA 30306
https://www.bullyboyatl.com/