FRIED CHICKEN LIPS

Mah Jong

2012-02-11T20:10:00.005-08:00

Don't ask me why I was up in this Godforsaken area... I had to take care of some business, alright. Bills aren't going to pay itself. But anyways, I was hungrier than a Honey Badger after a 2 day hibernation. I woulda eaten a King Cobra, shiiiit. So, I'm driving along and I see this resto. Mah Jong?! I had to go in just on principle. No one names it that unless it's worth a gamble. You know the Chinos, we love to gamble. I would gamble your mom if given the chance. Let's place a bet on how this place would fare. Oh, I'm sure y'all know what I'm betting on...

The interior looks like the standard Americanized Chino joint... Fine, I'm ok with some slutty Chino grub. Even the menu is a copycat of any other places around. Can't be that bad right? The staff was awesome, super friendly, almost to the point they had to play the FOB role. It was too obvious. So, you would think speaking Chinese to them would garner some more authentic food... Guess it didn't get fully translated to the kitchen.

(Kick ass name!)

(Hot & Sour Soup w/ Chino Cracklins)

Holy shit... No, really, holy shit. It looks like the present I dropped off earlier this morning. But it didn't smell like petunias.

(Eggroll)

Did they really needed to use a whole plate for this thing? A little wax baggy twisted up on top woulda done the job. I know one of these sauces is Chinese mustard, but the other one did not look like duck sauce... I think it was Long Duck Dong sauce. Squirt.

(Shrimp Lo Mein)

For the love of General Tso... Why is there fettucini in my lo mein? Is this some kind of sick joke they're playing since the Eyetalians stole our noodle recipe 8,000 years ago and called it pasta like it was some new idea? Hey, Wang, don't tell them you're Jewish, ok?

(Szechuan Pork)

Why does this look like the lo mein dish? Szechuan pork? Not by a long shot, Szech me. Half of this plate was packed with canned filler and a few slivers of spork... Yeah, spork, a hybrid product that resemble pork when slathered in HFCS brown sauce. And speaking of brown things, that fried rice was at least a week old, it had whiskers growing out of it... Like the old man in the corner with the giant mole on his cheek. Cut. Me. Mick.

This was worst than slutty Chinese food... It was a floozy. Seriously, every round-eye within earshot ordered the General Tso's cheekan. The entire place was overflowing out the ass with HFCS brown sauce and they couldn't get enough of it. Some Emo kid at the next table asked for more sauce on the side. Where am I? I can't breathe... Someone open a window. No wonder why kids are so obeast these days. That diet Coke ain't gonna neutralize that quart of brown Sysco jizz you just swallowed, son.

What do you say when they ask you how everything was? They were such sweet people and I didn't want to hurt their feelings, so, I said it was good on the way out. As I got to my car, I turned around for one last look and I saw them pointing and laughing at me like some chump.

I got screwed again by my own peoples... I built the railroad that leads to your business, motherfucka. And all I got was a fortune cookie that said, "Thank you, come again, SUCKA!"

Flush.

No Rating.

1905 Scenic Hwy
Suite 650
Snellville, GA 30078
http://mahjonga.com/

Siam Square Thai Cuisine

2012-02-11T17:39:00.001-08:00

This place has been in this side show of a strip mall for years... Either the owners are filthy rich wit moolah to burn or their food is freakishly amazing hidden in this unassuming spot. The first thing that smacks you in the face when you walk in is the intense smell of a freshly used outhouse. I almost walked out but I saw a few people eating so I guess it may be safe... Did I really just say that? Never mind, let's just get it over it because I'msa huunngree...

(Som-Tum-Thai)

Green papaya salad. It's cute looking but it was just aight... Pretty much the standard of what you get all around town. It had a weird after taste though, mebbe it needed more fresh lime juice, shrimp paste and a high quality fish sauce. But somehow I don't think it would had saved it.

(Gang-Kheaw-Wan)

Green Curry with chicken. Asked for super Thai Thai Hot... Why do I keep doing this to myself. I know better than that, especially, with green curry in this town. Green curry in Thailand is un-fucking-real, had nothing like it in the States to date and I prolly never will because no one here makes it with fresh green chili's. Like most places around here, all they do is just add red chili flakes to it... Yeah, RED chili flakes on GREEN curry. Is it fucking Christmas? I don't think so. The heat was so weak (obviously from a can), I woulda been embarrassed to serve this because it tasted way too sweet, instead. Green curry does have an inherent sweetness but the heat should be way more pronounced. Also, they lost another point on the eggplant, it wasn't Thai eggplant, but just some dusty old plain Italian melanzana. The dish wasn't bad, it was just so Americanized.

(Pad-Thai)

Always the dish to test the talent of a Thai kitchen. This version of their national dish was acceptable. They used the right size noodles, most of the right ingredients but the flavor was lacking a bit. It needed more fish sauce, tamarind juice and fresh lime juice. I also like a little more bean sprouts in it for that crunchy texture. This dish is traditionally not spicy but I coulda used a little heat. But it was obviously tweaked for the local palate.

Besides, the latrine smell, the interior and decor was cute but minimal... Which is fine with me because all I care about is the food. They did start lighting a ton of candles, though, so mebbe one of the staffers dropped a monster load in the shitter before they opened. Speaking of which, the service was friendly (they're super nice people) but the food was just average. It is definitely not a destination spot, I was in the area and I was hungry... And for something like this, it'll do.

Splash.

1 Star.

1995 Windy Hill Rd.
Smyrna, GA 30080
770-333-1700
http://www.siamsquarethaicuisine.com/

STK

2012-02-06T20:00:00.001-08:00

"...not your daddy's steakhouse."

What a stupid fucking tagline. I don't even know what that means. But unlike Ocean Prime, STK is a hip and trendy chain that actually open in markets that can support their lofty price tag... Like in New York, LA, Miami, Vegas and London. This place feels like a playground for the over paid and spoiled local celebs and athletes. Sports teams are leaving this city by the dozen, who is gonna eat here besides professional athletes with money to burn? My bigger question is... How the hell did Atlanta get on their expansion list is beyond me but let's take a looksie anyways.

The interior reeks of NYC... I don't know if that's a good thing for this town. The wall of horns is ugly but whatever. The crowd is full of the hip, the trendy and the douchy. What's with the 50 somethings trying to pretend they are 25? There is no amount of Ed Hardy and foundation that you can dip yourself in to make you look better, unless it's a wet cement foundation. I saw a lot of the old school crowd back from the days (mebbe it's because Dallas Austin was spinning that night)... Looks like they made a little money over the years because they will need it to eat here. It's a place to see and be seen... For now.

(Not only are the people horny, the wall is, too)

Hot broads tending bar (esply the oriental chick with all the tats and giant mams) but probably one of the worst run bars in the city. It's new, so, I guess they're still a bit wet behind the ears... I rather she wet my lips with a drink, instead. And of course, I'll return the favorite.

(Fanny Bays and Cuttyhunks)

You can't go wrong with 2 great oysters (one west coast and the other east coast) paired together on a bed of ice. I can only be so lucky if I could get two clams in bed. But I'll take this. Fresh and dericious.

(King crab salad)

The crab was really fresh but at the end of the day it was just a cute dish... For broads.

(Pork belly)

Nice pork belly, crispy, tender, not too fatty. They need to put more of it on that plate and stop putting that green shit all over it.

(Cowboy rib steak w/ bone)

34 ounces of real man meat (came with the STK and STK au poivre sauce). This sack of meat was a little "blue" but I still rammed it into my mouth over and over again. This is one meat I don't mind it making a mess all over my face for. I have no shame... I lived on Boulevard for 3 years, I've eaten things that would make a billy goat puke. Still remember my friend getting a BJ from one of the local talent in exchange for a $1 Whopper Jr... While he was feeding it at the same time. Awesome.

(Glamour shot)

Food porn. Looks so good, kinda makes you wanna stick your fat finga in between the flaps. But at the end of the day my balls were as blue as this piece of meat.

(Mushroom pot pie)

This was a fun side dish. Nice flaky crust, stuffed with mushrooms and a shitload of truffle oil... Maybe even too much. Yeah, I said too much.

(Sweet corn pudding)

Velvety and tasty. Looks very healthy. I should eat more veggies like this. Would be nice if they actually reheated this inside the cast iron to give it a little crispyness on the inside of the pan... Would be 10 times better if they did.

(Broccolini)

Love this stuff... So tasty, a side dish you can't screw up. Well, I take that back. But this was pretty good. Why is it served in a room temp cast iron pan? Kinda sick of high end steakhouses not utilizing the pan for what it's meant to be used for.

(Creamed spinach)

Can't have a steakhouse if you don't have this on your menu... The good ole, spinach bathe in heavy cream, butter and salt. Look ma, I'm eating my veggies... So, shut it.

This place is not cheap but you wouldn't expect it to be. It is in the big city after all. The food was pretty good and the service was above average. They still need a little more training but you won't notice after a few drinks... Just make sure they don't fill your glass full of ice when you order a $85 Macallan 25.

If you wanna get laid with your blind date later that night... Take it here. If she turns out to be a hog, take it out back and walk back in through the front door, solo, there's enough talent here looking for freebies.

3 Stars.

1075 Peachtree St NE
Atlanta, GA 30309
Neighborhood: Midtown

(404) 793-0144

www.stkhouse.com/

Fig Jam

2012-01-29T18:33:00.001-08:00

Baroni really didn't do it for me, it was too similar to Wolfgang Puck's Express... Which was not good. It was a concept to bring WP's haute cuisine to the everyday man in a really dumb down menu. Too bad the everyday man didn't care for his frou-frou dumb slop.

Baroni attempted a more localized affordable menu but most dishes fell short. The pizza were ok but really nothing to write home about, I mean, they definitely can do a proper Napoletana 'Za as proof at Baraonda... But Baroni had a gas oven not wood fired. So, maybe there's your problem. Their other problem was the clientele they were attracting... It became more family oriented which is not a bad thing but for their bottom line, it was a bad thing. Family of 6 taking up valuable space and only ordering a pizza and a salad to share doesn't help pay the bills. They also don't order alcohol either. So, basically, it became an upscale Ci Ci's. They needed to change strategy or else face the firing squad.

Now, they've changed up things here more oriented for the adult scene... Bigger bar, better mood lighting and a customizable menu with small, medium, large plates to fit your appetite. But is it for the better? I think so, I like the new space. These guys, Mario and Constanzo, know what they're doing, they can deliver but they have to have the right formula. Baroni seemed to have the right formula but it was too cartoonish. It screamed franchise. But now I think Fig Jam has a personality, a local spot to hangout and nosh... It feels right. But nevermind all that jazz... How's the food?

Let's take a first look...

(Quail Airline Breast, Blackberry Glaze)

First dish that came out was pretty tasty... A good sign. Cooked medium with a nice pink center. Some would think it's a bit too sweet with the glaze and all but it worked for me.

(Lamb Belly, Bourbon Maple Sauce)

Saw this first on the menu and had to order it. It was either pork belly or lamb belly... You don't see lamb belly around town much, so I had to have it. It was super tender but not fatty. It was a nice dish, not mind blowing but did satisfy the craving.

(Stuffed Topneck Clams, Bechamel, Panko)

Presentation is lacking but who cares, I'm not eating the plate. Was pretty good and happy to see there was actually a whole clam underneath all that stuff and not canned minced clams.

(Hot Crab Dip & Naan Bread)

Ok, let's just get it out there... This is not Naan bread. It's more like a pita or flat bread. They need to work on the dough recipe if they want to continue to keep calling it naan. The crab dip was passable... But I'm not really a big fan of dips because they seem so trailer park to me, it's like some neck just started to combine things he had lying around his single-wide in a bowl... Basically, crap in a bowl.

(Mussels in Coconut Lemongrass Curry Broth)

Yes, this dish has been done a million and one times but that's ok with me. If it is done properly and tastes good, it's all good with me. Mussels were decent size and the broth was flavorful. It'll do the trick if you want to dine on some unbearded bivalves.

(Flatbread- Lamb Sausage, Feta Cheese, Roasted Garlic)

Yeah, it's a pedestrian dish because it's meant to be. But if the ingredients are fresh and cooked to order, this is a tasty little filler. The roasted garlic was the best part.

(Flatbread- Portobello, Goat Cheese, Onion, Truffle Oil)

Truffle oil is so overdone but I gotta admit, this was good. It's just a good combo of toppings. Fragrant and tasty. The flatbread was just right, not too crispy with the right amount of chew.

(Mixed Grill- Duck Breast, Sausage, Lamb, Sirloin)

This is like every man's wet dream... A good selection of different cuts and all cooked... (wait for it)... "To perfection". That even surprised me from a place opened only for 3 days. It was like $30 or something, easily one of the more pricey dishes on the menu but I thought it was worth it.

(Revolutionary Mac & Cheese)

Nothing really revolutionary, it was pretty much a law-abiding version... Meaning it was a very standard version but it coulda used a little more cheese and cream to get a more velvety texture. Also, got to be hot hot hot as well since you're serving it in a little cast iron thingy.

(Molten Lava Cake)

(No idea what this was, some kinda Bread Pudding thinger)

(Cheesecake)

Yeah, I'm not really a dessert/pastry person, hence no comments on the last three dishes. They did send out this brownie thing also and it was ok. The desserts are not really all that, but I don't expect it to be for a place like this.

This joint is good for drinks and some bites... Maybe even a full dinner excursion. It really depends on your mood. I liked it for what it is and I hope the area will enjoy it, too. With a little time, I think they will become a whole lot better. We need more stuff like this on this stretch of Peachtree... Because Justin's and Frank Ski's just doesn't do it for me, renting the same old Lambo on the weekends get tiresome.

2 Stars

1745 Peachtree St NE
Atlanta, GA 30309
404-724-9100
http://www.figjamatlanta.com/

Latitude Food and Drink

2012-01-24T19:01:00.000-08:00

Opened quietly only a few months ago in the old Grape space comes an upscale casual new American resto with a very simple menu. I like it already because the limited menu reflects thoughtfulness and focus on fresh local ingredients... Well, who isn't these days. But with this menu, I can't find one thing remotely suspect that it came from a frozen brown bag on the back of a Sysco truck.

The decor and interior is simple and modern but yet cozy and comforting. How could this be hidden inside a mall? Better question, why is it in a mall? Mebbe they got a good deal on the space since no one comes to Phipps Plaza anymore. But whatever the reason, let's give it a shot... It looks promising.

(Sazerac)

Ah, yeah, pweez.

(Beef tartare- local sirloin, roasted garlic, fried capers, fresh aioli)

Lurv me some raw meat. The sirloin wasn't ground to mush like most tartare, it had texture, like little cubes of spongy flesh. Toothy, if you will. This was pretty much spot on, except the over lathering of aioli on the toast thingers, it doesn't need that much. It overwhelms the natural flavor of the beef itself. Plus, you got garlic and capers on top of that, don't need the aioli really, a little butter would even do. But a nice app to start. Me likey.

(Crispy eggplant- tomato conserva, house made ricotta, pine nuts)

This was one dish I was wondering how they would do it. When you read it on the menu, it conjures up images of this Sichuan dish called Dry Fried Eggplant that everyone and their mothers know. Well, at least in my numbskull it did. And surprise me it did when it came out, it looked really fucking weird. Big wedges of eggplant dusted with cornmeal-esque coating and deep dried. Might even been in the fryer a tad too long, it was pretty dark. Hope it doesn't taste off. Nope, not bad at all. The skin of the eggplant itself gave off the impression that it was almost burnt fried. The San Marzano tomato conserva (fancypants name for tomato paste) was pretty awesome, sweet, delicate and vibrant. Add a little soft ricotta and nutty crunch of pine nuts and you got a tasty app. It's fugly initially but after tasting it, it's all good.

(Chioggia beets, vinegar, tarragon, fleur du sel)

These local Chioggia (not of the Italy sort) coulda been a bit sweeter. Well, they were local... So, can't fault them on the product. But I did miss that beautiful and bold red and white stripes you normally find in a real Chioggia beet. Overall, a nice side dish, only thing I would say for this is easy on the salt, bro.

(Grilled pork chop- bone in chop, roasted brussel sprouts, apple agro-dolce)

First things first... Was it cooked to temp? Yes! Medium with slight pink. That's how you do it, baybee! This nicely grilled bone in chop was spot on. The bone was even Frenched properly (no silver skin or other crap all wrapped around the bone like some burnt condom), kinda impressed but expected for a restaurant/chef of this level. Brussel sprouts were nicely roasted with some char around the edges. The sweetish apple "sauce" enhanced the pork nicely. Good, simple and satisfying dish.

(Lamb burger- ground lamb and beef, gruyere cheese, rosemay aioli, arugula)

Now, this is a burger... Cooked properly to temp, medium rare of course, and super juicy. Maybe too juicy. Only gripe is they shoulda let it rest a bit before putting it on the ciabatta-esque bun... The bun did it's job absorbing the meat juice but there was some leakage over the edge. The smoked fingerling taters with crema and chives were fine, nothing mind blowing but did pair well with the burger. Thank God, they didn't do fries, a nice change.

(Glamour shot)

(Doughnut holes with blood orange marmalade)

Light, airy and fluffy. Not too sugary on the coating but the blood orange marmalade was a little too tart... Yes, B.O. is usually tart but in a dish like this, you might want to balance it out to be more on the sweeter side since they went lighter on sugar coating the ballz. It's a cute dish but for $7 a pop for 6 nuts, I'll pass next time.

The service was great, this is how all restos should be like and I don't ask a lot of the servers, just get my order right and bring out my food on time. It doesn't take much more effort to be a decent human being to paying customers, actually, if you enjoy working at a place, it takes very little effort. Our server was excellent, knowledgeable and not overbearing. The bartender kinda screwed up my Sazerac in the beginning with it being way too sweet and overly spiced, I asked if they could just round it off with a splash of more rye... He went ahead and made a brand new one and delivered it to my table without missing a beat. Now, that's service... And I didn't even ask for it.

This new-ish resto from Micah Willix is definitely one of the hidden gems in Atlanta, let alone inside a friggin low traffic zombie mall that I despise. The menu is fresh, seasonal, affordable, consistent, well executed and controlled (it doesn't have 8 million dishes on it trying to impress us with fancy truffle oil and all that other bullshit or trying to break new ground with some weird ass cuisine, which we all know has never and will never work in this town)... Add a lil great service to that and you got a winner.

Go.

3 Stars

3500 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, GA 30326
678-990-9463
http://latitudeatlanta.com/

Baci

2012-01-22T08:59:00.000-08:00

How I ended up in Town Brookhaven is still a mystery because I have no rational recollection... But since I was here, let's see what's new in this dumpelopement. I initially wanted to try Tre'za for their "wood fired brick oven" pizza but when I walked in and looked around, it had the feel and look of a gaudy cafeteria. I spied the oven, oh, dear Lord, no fucking way. I had that pouch feeling it would not live up to expectation. So, I walked.... Across the street. This looked like a cute resto, let's try it, can't be that bad, right? Gotta be at least one edible thing on the menu.

From the creators of the Cafe at Pharr... Menu doesn't look half bad, it's your standard staples found in every menu and every establishment on this level. Nothing all that creative but proven dishes that has worked time and time again.

No booze? WTF... I'm outta here. But I was gently coaxed back with the promise of ceviche and lobster mac n' cheez. Ok, let's eat...

(Mussels )

Didn't look half bad, mussels a bit on the small side but the sauce looked way too thick. Kinda like an Alfredo sauce from a jar. Tasted it and it was! Ciao, Francesco Rinaldi! Could not stop laughing. This was a great start. BTW- the grilled bread were two little slices of air dried baguette that wasn't even cut on the bias. Totally could soak up all that sauce, all 2 liters of it. You can see it sneaking in on the top right... Depressing little fuckers aren't they?

(Japanese Ceviche)

I lurv me some ceviche, the acid from the fresh citrus tastes so fresh and so clean clean... Except this wasn't ceviche, it was a god damn sashimi sampler. Where. Da. Fuk. Am. I? Will I Am, can you help? Why would anyone, let alone a resto owner/operator, would ever call this a "ceviche"? This is insulting to the eating customers on the highest level. This must be a joke... As this app has proven.

(Baby Beet Salad: 1st take)

$7?! This can not even be considered a side salad... It's a side side salad. Is this joke? Am I on Candid Camera? Allen Funt, where the funt are you? No seasoning, no dressing, no flavor. This did not involve cooking, how can it be this bad? Send it back, bitches.

(Baby Beets Salad: Redux)

Like a midget on Viagra, it grew a little bit bigger. 2nd take, bigger and a wee bit better, but that's only because they added the candied almonds this time. Pretty sad still. I made that sound when it came out to the table, just like seeing a special ed kid getting off a short bus with a helmet on... Awwwww.

(Lobster Mac n' Cheese)

Mmm, couldn't wait for some lobster mac... Everyone loves this except the people with the gluten thingy. It was crappy under cooked elbows with no cheese except on top. See any lobster in there? Neither did I but at least you didn't fucking pay $6 for this. A whole box of elbow mac is like 80 cents. Fuck me, bamboozled again. Keep the change, you filthy animal.

(Chef Risotto of the Day: white and green asparagus)

C'mon, surprise me with a properly cooked chef's risotto of the day... White and green asparagus sounds simple enough. Too bad this was rice pilaf, instead. No evidence of stock, parmesan, cream, butter, salt, pepper... Oh wait, I see black specks, could be black pepper. And there, there's some shaved parmesan hairs. Yum-mo, no mo'. I love the presentation, just like at the Pine St. soup kitchen. Slop. Glop. Flop. Next!

(Baci Burger: kobe beef burger, american cheese, homemade pickles, duck fat fries)

Looks like someone was trying real hard to copy the 10PM burger... But it looked more like a backyard BBQ gone wrong with cousin Eddie at the helm. A) Why even ask for a temp on these pathetically paper thin patties that were supposedly KOBE beef. B) Why the fuck would anyone molest the shit outta a premium cut of ground beef? This was not Kobe beef, not even close, it looked more like Kobe Bryant wiped his ass with a Publix bun after a double overtime game. And added a little toe cheese on top for that gooey goodniz. This was so visually revolting, I sent it back to whence it came. But I did taste a duck fat fry or two... Dude, don't quit your day job. How can you send out food like this? It is baffling.

So, after that fiasco of a meal... The sweet little lady owner offered a dessert on the house. I refused but a choco-fiend at the table wanted to try the chocolate cake with ice cream. Told her not to do it, but she did it anyways and she paid the price... Culinarily and monetarily, they charged us for the cake. But it wasn't worth the hassle to get them to change the check. I just pretended it was like an expensive divorce, it was worth it to paid the extra $6 and get the fuck outta there.

I can understand that you've been opened only for a few days. But when you boast about how many restaurants you and your family have and opening another one soon... There is just no excuse for this wretched food coming out of the kitchen. The owner's son even came out to joke about how he cooked the burger... Dude, I'm fucking paying for that burger that you burnt to shit and you're laughing about it? Go the fuck back to college, bro.

No Rating.

705 Town Blvd
Suite 510
Atlanta, GA 30319
678-705-7628
http://baciatlanta.com/

Botekim Brazilian Bistro

2012-01-18T20:55:00.000-08:00

When most people in Atlanta think Brazilian, they think of the all you can eat meat joints like Fogo de Chao and Sal Grosso... And possibly, mebbe, Red & Green Brazilian (even though its Korean). We won't even speak about sad sack of shit called Chima that went kaput years ago... But no, people, Brazil actually has other food besides AYCE meat on a skewer brought to your snout by people wearing funny clothes.

Stopped by here to grab a quick lunch, it was almost empty except for the two fugly broads across the way with these hideous Uggs on. Any chick that wears that shit should be exiled on the same island as Alice the Goon from Popeyes... Did someone say Popeyes? Anyway, let's hope the food here doesn't smell or taste like Uggs.

The menu read well with all those Portuguese words, so much fun! That is until you read the description in English. Not that it's bad but if you look at the menu as a whole, it is filled with international global fare. Brazilian cuisine is mixed with different cultures but this menu isn't all that "authentic". Did you know fettuccini, tomato sauce and meatballs was Brazilian? How about Shepherd's Pie, chicken fingers, lamb shank, flounder meuniere or Milanese chicken? Who knows but then again what do I know, I don't speak Brazilianese.

What I do know is food that is well prepared and taste good. So, let's start out with some classic apps... I'll have the croquetes de carne and bolinho de aipim com carne (fritters). What, what's that? You're out of both of them? But there's NO ONE here and you just opened for lunch. Did you eat them all, Jabba? The server then begins to tell me, "Our food vendor hasn't come by yet." WTF?! Just shoot me in the head, did I hear that correctly? I was about to ask her why but I stopped myself before it got any worse.

So, I just order a few other things just to see what they're all about. The server asked me if I was eating all this, I said no and that I was sharing with my dining companion... Then she says, "Well, if you're sharing we'll have to charg...". Stop right there, Snuffleupagus, don't even say another word, I know what you're going to say... No, I am not sharing, I was ordering for the table. This was like a friggin nightmare but only worse since it was daytime. Of the two tables, I get the worst Goddam server who obviously haven't been on the job for that long. It's like explaining the stock market to a ra-tard... They like numbers and the pretty colors on the screen but have no clue what the fuck it means.

Anyways... Let's just get to the eats...

(Linguicua de Porco Acebolada - Brazilian pork sausage, caramelized onions, toast points)

Doesn't this look strangely familiar, something you ate as a kid, this cheap ass looking tubemeat reminds me of... Vienna Sausage! Those nasty processed forcemeat wieners that tasted so good when you were piss drunk or stuck on the side of a snow covered mountain. But here, they add some caramelized onions and bread which makes it alright... Guess that depends on how many drinks you're in or how far the mountain rescue team is. Help me out here, Stallone. Dangle this you, cliffhanger.

(Porco - grilled pork loin, cheddar cheese, pineapple, fries)

Sandwiches always sound so good in a different language but when you see it, meh, it's the same old same old. This tastes exactly how it reads and/or looks. Nothing special or interesting about it, just something to fill yer belly. The brown bag fries which were in stock, came out hot and crispy... Surprising, yes, I know.

(Vaca Atolada - Braise beef ribs, asparagus, yucca)

Everything about this dish looks/says French... Except the yucca on the bottom, which I guess makes it Brazilian? Who knows but this dish was the winner, no contest. I always thought this would be more like a stew-ish/braised style dish. Asparagus- spot on. Yucca- nice with al dente texture. Demi glace- rich and flavorful but a bit salty. Beef ribs- perfect fork tender. Cooking like this makes me smile.

Then the smile turned into a frown... Mebbe it's just me because I'm anal about restaurants doing things right, hell, if I was the owner I would want to do things right... But this large chip on the side of the bowl of the beef ribs really bothered me, kinda like for anyone who has ever received a glass with a crack in it, it's disturbing because you don't know if you'll be eating that piece of glass/porcelain in your food... I could understand them overlooking this if it was a packed house and the kitchen was slammed, but there were 4 customers in the entire place. Attention to details is not their strong suit.

I was excited about this place but after what the server revealed about their food sourcing... One can only guess how much of this menu consists of premade and prepackaged food that they're selling to you as Brazilian cuisine. The beef rib dish was good but I'm not in any rush to head back any time soon.

1.5 Stars.

1410 Terrell Mill RD SE
Marietta, GA 30067
(678) 402-7584
http://botekimbrazilianbistro.com/

Green Ginger Asian Fusion

2012-01-17T14:30:00.002-08:00

Didn't feel like waiting for over an hour to get a seat at the bar at Cakes & Ale, so decided to give this place a shot since I have eaten at every single local resto around these parts (chain shit restos excluded). Can't be that bad, right?

Famous last words...

The interior looked fine. Modern and somewhat cleanish looking. Seems like an alright place for a quick bite before some heavy duty whisky drankin in the square. Place was practically empty for a friday night. Not a good sign. Then I see an iPad inside this hollowed out space in the side of the table. What could it be? Wine list like at some really cool restos? No, it was a fucking gimmick with stupid games on it, you couldn't even access Safari to check your email. What a waste of money.

Let's hope they spent big dollars on the ingredients, too. The menu is way too long... That's what she said. No, really, the waitress said that. And it sure was a rather large menu with just way too many dishes on it. So, I stuck with the simple high turn over dishes to keep it fresh at least. Is it me or the does the menu seem to read backwards... For example, isn't it Shrimp Tempura vs Tempura Shrimp? Who knows, I don't speak Spanish...

(Tempura Shrimp)

Look at the pic... One of these things is doing the wrong thing. The shrimp has a panko crust and the veggies a tempura batter. Nothing wrong with panko but it is not tempura shrimp. Tell tale sign these sea creastures came from the back of a truck in a discreet brown bag. Sad part is, they weren't half bad, crispy and hot. That's more than I can say for the "fresh made" tempura veggies, the batter was made in house alright but I wouldn't call it tempura, it was more like watered down spackle. The best part was that they battered and fried all the veggies together in one clump. Of course it came out semi crispy on the outside and pure mush with 5 gallons of oil in the center. Pure bliss.

(Sashimi Regular - 15 pcs sashimi & chef's choice roll )

Wow, look at the purdy colors. How exciting... Not only did it wet my whistle, I wet my pants also. Looks just like the plastic window display food in the Narita airport food court. Only if it was. Previously frozen and recently thawed raw fish for your oral pleasures... Shit, I rather get it on Boulevard. It's fresher. At least they used Shiso leaves on this presentation but the tuna was the worst of the bunch, the silverskin in between was so tough and unchewable that I decided to use it as floss... Why not, kill two birds with one stone. Shit, someone kill me, instead.

Let's hope the chef's choice roll is a nicer surprise than this plain Jane Ru San buffet quality spectacle.

Oh, shit. What a surprise... A California Roll. The sushi chef has really out done himself this time... Now, get back to mopping the floor.

(Pad Kee Mao aka Drunken Noodles)

WTF is this? I rather French kiss the Predator. This looks like it was pulled out from the bottom of a donkey's ass. This is not Pad Kee Mao, OK, mebbe after a few whiskeys, wait, make that a whole bottle. I would have to be bat shit drunk to convince me that this is a Thai dish of any form. It was greasy, pungent, way too sweet and salty with overly dried precooked chicken that had the texture of a super ball from a candy machine. This was just awful. Look at it.

Not only was the food dismal, the service was almost nonexistent. The server was sitting at a table at the other end of the resto talking on the phone and folding napkins or something. The food came out in such a weird order and we were never given napkins or utensils, I almost thought I was at an Ethiopian joint and might as well eat with my toes... It woulda tasted better. I didn't realize it until I walked out that the name of the resto had "Asian Fusion" in it.

My Fried Chicken Lips got what my Fried Chicken Lips deserved for this mistake.

What a dump.

No Rating.

265 Ponce De Leon Pl
Decatur, GA 30030
(404) 373-2788

www.greengingerdecatur.com

Ledet Ethiopian

2012-01-17T14:30:00.001-08:00

This area is Ethiopian central. It's got so much competition in one parking lot. I like Ethiopian grub (hell, I like every cuisine in the world) but I don't eat it much because there's nothing really crave-worthy about it. But these places must be doing something right and filling a niche for all the ex-pats in this town. Sometimes, I just need an injera fix when I get tired of eating Popeyes in the same lot. YES, you heard correctly, I can't eat that dericious God's gift to the world every single day... Just only 5 days out of the week.

Most of these places are plain Jane, decor is not their strong suit but they usually shine through in their food. The menu here looked decent enough with the standard assortment of Kitfo, Tibs and what not... Only thing missing were the stews called Wat but they do have some vegetarian version. The funniest thing was the prominent display of Trader Joe's 2 Buck Chuck wine for something like $6 by the glass. Who fucking prints that on their menu?!!!

Instead of getting the usual Kitfo of raw cubed beef and spices... I opted to change it up a little. Actually, I wasn't all that comfortable doing the kitfo here, just a pouch feeling. But anyways.. Back to the food.

(Sambusa)

UFO's? ...Be afraid, very afraid, they are real. Unidentified Frying Objects. Pre-fried and re-fried to order. Totally tasteless and bland. It was like 3 day old sawdust. I think they just found these behind the fryer. Godawful. PS- there were two options- lentil or beef filling... Was offered neither.

(Goden Tibs)

Came out on a sizzling hot plate, crackly and steamy. Looking good, Billy Ray! Then the server just dumps it on the injera lined plate. Smooooth. This wouldn't be bad if it didn't consist of 50% bone, 30% fat, 10% gristle and 10% edible meat. When I was done eating what was actually edible, the plate of bone, gristle and fat looked like it had the same weight/volume as when it first came out to the table. The veggies and injera were the best part. Boy, am I stuffffffed. Shoulda got the Kitfo... Check, pweez. At least I didn't have to weigh myself when I got home like I usually do after each meal. Winner!

(Whole Fried Tilapia)

I love whole fried fish... Even if it's the Godforsaken tilapia. Because you expect it to be cooked to order. Not here, they know better, obviously... Fry it once first, let it sit around to dry out until someone orders it and then refry it again. It's all about the mise en place. Kept picking at it to find a decent piece of flesh that was semi-moist. This thing looked like it has been curing all week under the blazing Ethiopian sun. It was basically all dried out and hard as a rock... Speaking of rocks, I think this might have been a fossil from the Paleozoic Era. Even the limes were dried out, not one drop. Looks like I got hoodwinked, again. Loser!

(Injera)

Any jocks out there needing some ace bandage for your sprained ankles? Squirt.

I don't know what to say about this place, maybe the other dishes are better like the sandwiches or the spaghetti, who knows but when 3 out of 3 dishes were a dud, I think I'll just cut my losses and let bygones be bygones. The food here seems so uninspired, no passion, nothing had any resemblance of flavor. The service was spotty and not very friendly, almost had that feeling they were there against their will. Is indentured servitude still in practice?

No Rating.

3082 Briarcliff Rd.
Atlanta, GA 30329
www.ledetethiopianrestaurant.com

Baba's Gyro & Kabob

2012-01-05T22:08:00.001-08:00

Believe it or not, but I work up in this Godforsaken area called Norcross. I pass by this giant billboard on a daily basis adverting this relatively new and authentic "Mediterranean/Greek" joint that happens to be right across the street from my office. You know what that means...

I think the space they occupy was once a Thai joint long ago... A Thai joint that was flushed from my memory along with the food. Oh, I think it was called Boone Thai, they shoulda called it Boom Thai because I blew their toilet the fuck up. Whatever.

Anyways, so, I ran in here for a quick bite to see how their shit was. This is supposedly their second location with their first in Cumming... I hoped for the best, so I got there early. Hey, first served, first cum.

(Kashk-O-Bodenjoon)
Sauteed eggplant with onion and mint, topped with cream of whey.

It looked ok, not very exciting as you can see... Wait, it reminds me of a game we played while pledging in college... Um, nevermind. But this shit was super salty, it's edible but just be warned. This shit catches up with you like an hour later and you get so friggin dehydrated. It would make you drink the piss straight outta horse's schlong if you didn't have water around... Not that we did that in college. No sir-ree.

(Lamb Gyro)

Surprisingly, it was half way decent except for the unnecessary amount of green filler. The lamb "strips" were flavorful, moist, tender and warm through. Most gyros I've had were either room temp or just plain cold. The worst offenders are the nuked ones where its evident by the hard corners, this had none of it. The pita had the right thickness, some are too thin and break apart or too thick and you spend half the day chewing it. The Tzatziki sauce was the weak link, it needed help, no flavor at all and way too thin. I wished they would display the Autodoner out in plain sight, so I can take a gander of that delicious bulging twirling layered man meat... But overall, it was not a bad gyro.

(What is this? No clue)

Next.

(Shish Kabob)
Beef tenderloin (Filet Mignon) charbroiled to perfection.

Why do restaurants always say that- "... to perfection"? Why, can I get it cooked to imperfection, is that an option? I think it's pretty much industry standard that when you cook something, anything, it should be to the best of you abilities. But back to the food, the kabob was acceptable, a little on the rubbery side. A bit overcooked and lackluster flavors... So, no, it wasn't to perfection. The rice was ok but unseasoned, maybe the only thing in the whole place that was unseasoned. The veggie medley is your standard issue assortment of crappy stir fry specimens.

The staff was pretty friendly and attentive but the food was kinda hit and miss. Stick to the simple dishes and I mean the simpler the better aka gyro. Forget the apps, look for those on your iPad. Would I eat here again since it's so close to my occupation... Only if they deliver.

1.5 Stars.

5270 Peachtree Pkwy
Suite 115
Norcross, GA 30092
678-966-9994
www.babasgyros.com

Tartufo Italian Pizzeria

2011-12-30T07:41:00.000-08:00

From the owners of La Fourchette next door comes another quasi Napoletana 'Za joint... Tartufo! OK, enough of the chit-chat. I'm sure every blogger in Atlanta has covered the background of the owners and you don't need to hear it from me either.

Let's just get down to biznaz...

Margherita - Doesn't look too bad. I like how the pie is not covered in basil like most plebeians' idea of this pie. The basil also isn't cooked either but rather placed on the pie after it comes of the oven and lightly wilted by the residual heat from the pie. Bravo for doing it right. But how does it taste? Dough is a little flat and a bit chewy. The char is acceptable but I prefer the lovely little char blisters around the crust that only a full wood burning oven can produce, instead. The sauce is also a little flat but more on the sweeter side (it needed a little more zing). The bufala mozza is not bad, decent melt capabilities. It's not gonna blow your mind but it's a pretty good everyday pie.

Tartufo - Their namesake pie with truffle oil splash on top. For $22, I expected a little more flavor than just a couple squirts of T-oil. You have to eat it while it's hot or else it loses it's flavor when it cools down. The funny part of this pie was the funghi... They were shitake and I thought I tasted Chinese black mushrooms in there, also. No shaved truffles were observed. Now, that is fucking goofy.

The last time I was this close to pie, the lights were off and my face was wet... Oh, wait, wrong blog. But take a gander anyways.... It doesn't look too bad and it tasted pretty good. Every time, I see this much baby arugula on top of a bread like structure, it reminds me of the Sardinian flatbread at Shaun's. Come to think of it, some fresh shaved Grana Padano would be real nice on top.

Calabrase - W T FUUUKK?! Are you really serious? Sending out something looking this pathetic is cause for alarm. Where is the quality control? Did you seriously think no one will notice this heavily charred, no, blacken piece of burnt up shit? (The bottom was blacker than Samuel L. Jackson.) If your boy can't tell the difference between charred and the bowels of a volcano, do not put him at the oven. Then the self-proclaimed "Pizzamaker" comes by and asks "How is everything?" while staring straight at this burnt up frisbee without even noticing why no one was eating it. He took it away only after we mentioned the flawed and inedible blackhole that was sitting untouched before our ghastly facials... He did apologize while at the same time stating that he was the pizzamaker over and over again. I never saw him near the oven nor the dough once since walking in... Not even remotely close. But he did get his boy to re-fire another one ASAP. Why does he not make the pies if he is the pizzamaker? Dom DeMarco of the highly coveted Di Fara's in Brooklyn has made every single pie for the last 4 decades, this guy here hasn't lasted 3 months at the oven. What does that say to you?

The Calabrase Redux came out relatively quick and it looked OK... Except that giant char blister that blew up in the lower corner. Made me kinda wanna stick something in it... Like in American Pie. But of course this would be the Italian pie. Scratch that, make that Tunisian pie. The spicy salami were pretty good and the only real flavor that I took away from this pie.

Overall, the ingredients (dough, sauce, cheese, toppings) are fresh and totally acceptable. The only thing I have to snark about is the combo wood/gas oven (you'll be lucky if they're actually using wood on the day you walk in. Someone even said it was electric, as well... fuck me) which doesn't do the pies any justice at temps way below 700 degrees. Is this the best Napoletana pie in Atlanta? Not by a long shot. But it will trump any chain pizza joint in the state.

PS- Valet for a pizza joint just spews pompous douchery all over the pavement... You can thank La Fourchette next door for that. Oh, well, what can you do.

Bottomline: I would go back if I was heading north bound on Piedmont.

2.5 Stars.

3137 Piedmont Rd.
Atlanta, GA 30305
404-806-9957
http://tartufopizza.com/

Takorea

2011-12-27T18:03:00.000-08:00

Hankook Taqueria failed to impressed me time and time again. It was so bland, it was like eating a cardboard box on the side of the road. I don't know why people rave about it... Oh, wait, this is Atlanta. They never had Korean tacos ever in their lives so I can understand why they ate up the novelty. Only one problem, this shit was not the Korean tacos you find all over California nowadays, but whatever.

So, not long after they decided to do the food truck thing with Yumbii and now a fancypants dining location in midtown where it was once Abrigo, an awful excuse for Mexican grub (c'mon, you can't get any worse than Uncle Julio's overpriced slop or El Azteca where someone died from the food but at least they're still in business). Anyway, they didn't change the space out much from the previous short lived tenant. It looks basically the same, but let's hope the food here is half way edible at least...

Sticky Chicky: crispy, apricot glazed

Like cheekan nuggets... They're always a hit. Tasty lil morsels. It seems like there were more huge chunks of red onion than nugs. They were fine but needed a little more seasoning. Something to make them pop... Because the jalapenos had no heat to them whatsoever. How did they source bland peppers, too? Amazing.

Dumplings: fried with pork, ginger, scallions

They come six per plate but the table Jesuses snatched a couple away like it was their last supper. I don't know why for their impatience... But the filling had this pink doughy like consistency, it look like pureed SPAM. Eh.

Tempura Sweet Potatoes

Giant slices of bland Korean sweet taters with an even thicker coat of blander tempura. I didn't know if I should eat it or wear them as flip flops. They tasted like sliced Duraflame logs. Zero seasoning... Wait, I think there's sodium in the Duraflame logs. Do they have salt back there or what?

Kimchi Fried Rice

Mushy overcooked rice and no kimchi found. My guess is that old leftover rice was the building block to this dish. Bland. The dishwasher amigo in the back wouldn't even eat this.

Sesame Fries: Chipotle Ketchup

These things usually suck big time from their truck but somehow these were prolly the best thing eaten all night... Yeah, french fries.

BBQ Pork Sliders: two spicy, Korean style pulled pork sliders with cucumber kimchi, lettuce, mayo

Cheap plastic bag buns and flavorless pulled pork. Is that even possible? Baffles the taste buds. I think I had similar ones at a really bad backyard BBQ this summer.

Bibim-Bop: rice, meat, fried egg, ‘shrooms, spinach, mung beans, zucchini, topped with spicy Korean pepper sauce

It looked kinda impressive when it was placed on the table. But after 5 seconds, it looked like ketchup squirted on top or what my neighbor's dog just shat out this morning. It was ok but why was this so bland? It's beginning to seem like that's the theme here.

Takos: calamari, beef, shrimp

Take a guess which is which... Because I was hoodwinked on a couple guesses. It tasted how it looked. Really no discerning flavors to separate the three different fillers. Weird.

Takos: pork, pork belly

I know its pork but which is which? Who knows... It all goes to the same place anyways. Just eat it. These were some of the ugliest display of tacos I have ever seen. I swear, I can't tell you how they tasted because everything blended together. I have had Mexican water with more flavor.

The space feels a little depressing, maybe due to the muted colors and silence felt around the room, the staff was sufficient and attentive. I was wishing for a more funky and festive atmosphere in a Mexican't Fiesta kinda way. But thank God there was booze to be had or else this party woulda ended early. It's fine to come here with some friends to hangout and catch up with some nibbles and drinks on the side but don't come here for a true dinner experience. But at the end of the day, it's just a tad better than Hankook (no rating). Really no need to waste your time and money on a second visit. But if you must there's like 4 free parking spaces around back.

Time to hit el takobano.

1 Star.

818 Juniper Street
Atlanta, GA 30308
404-532-1944
http://mytakorea.com/

Rumi's Kitchen

2011-12-21T20:33:00.000-08:00

Grabbed a couple chef friends (who loves this place) for a quiet Sunday dinner... Turns out to be packed. Good sign, yes? Totally. I haven't been back here in years but I'm glad I did. I like Persian food a lot but with Sufi's so close to me, this place kinda fell off my radar. This stretch of Roswell Road scares me a bit because it's full of lame duck restos that rarely passes muster with me. But Rumi's regained some confidence in me for this area.

(Freebies)

Just eat the shit, it's free... You'll like it. Yelpers do. If it's fwee, it's for mee! Wee!

(Kashk Badenjoon)

Mushed eggplant looks like poo but tastes like gold when it's done right... And Rumi's does it right. Packed full of flavor. You can eat this for dinner and be satisfied... But I wouldn't do that to myself with what is coming out next.

(Chilean Sea Bass Kabob and Rack of Lamb)

Seriously, yo... This shit was good eatin'. The lamb was cooked a perfect medium rare. Could not stop eating this shit. The sea bass I was a bit more skeptical, that is until I put it in my facehole and it melted in my mouth. This was a kabob? It was tender and flaky. The display was impressive, too.

(Saffron Basmati Rice mixed with Lentils and Raisins)

I could eat this stuff all night. So simple, yet so good. The raisins gave it that extra little something something.

(Duck Breast w/ Pomegranates and Pomegranate Stew)

This was a special of the night and my first time seeing a pomegranate stew on a Persian menu in Atlanta. Some people may think it looked like a disgruntle cook popped a squat on a plate but the duck meat flaps paired well with the "stew sauce". I was gonna compare this to some awesome and disgusting fecal sex act you do behind closed doors but I'll save that for another review. This was a nice little dish. Mix the stew with that basmati rice and it's all good in da hood.

After all these years, they're still doing it right. And that says a lot to me. Good stuff... But why is there a cardholder with Tomo's business cards up front? Baffled.

3 Stars.

Burp.

6152 Roswell Road
Atlanta, GA 30328
404-477-2100
http://www.rumiskitchen.com/

Alinea

2011-12-13T17:09:00.001-08:00

Grant Achatz, one of the best chefs in Chicago... Hell, one of the best chefs in the world, opened Alinea on May 4, 2005. It has 3 Michelin stars, Chicago Magazine's Best Restaurant in Chicago's History, Ever, the Acqua Panna Best North American Restaurant and ranked 6th Best Restaurant in the World by S. Pellegrino 2011. It has basically won ever friggin' award there is. Umm, of course, I gotta eat there... So, enjoy the picture show since no words from my dirty hole can do it justice verbally.

Enjoy, suckaz!

KITCHEN

DECOR or FOOD - just don't blow your nose in it.

CHERRY - buffalo trace, carpano antica, maraschino
CUCUMBER - plymouth gin, rose, mint
LEMON - don cesar pisco, cane juice, frozen and chewy

ENGLISH PEA - iberico, sherry, honeydew

SHRIMP - fermented black bean, cinnamon aroma
YUBA - shrimp, miso, togarahi

CHAO TOM - sugar cane, shrimp, mint

TOMATOES - pillow of fresh cut grass aroma

(literally served on a pillow)

DISTILLATION - of thai flavors

PORK BELLY - curry, cucumber, lime

(notice the wrapper from the beginning)

KING CRAB pt. 1 - plum, lilac, fennel

KING CRAB pt.2 - plum, lilac, fennel

KING CRAB pt. 3 - plum, lilac, fennel

HOT POTATO - cold potato, black truffle, butter

LAMB - reflection of elysian fields farm

BLACK TRUFFLE - explosion, romaine, parmesan

TOURNEDO - a la persane

BACON - butterscotch, apple, thyme

LEMON SODA

TRANSPARENCY - of raspberry, yogurt

BUBBLE GUM - long pepper, hibiscus, creme fraiche

EARL GREY - lemon, pine nut, caramelized white chocolate

CANVAS

CHOCOLATE - coconut, menthol, hyssop

21 courses completed, 3 hours later, heavier in the pouch and a lot lighter in the pocket... And it was all worth it. There is no other experience like it. Well, I think I got a few more up my sleeve for your viewing pleasure... But I gonna take a nap, now. I gotta stop eating like this. Seriously. Who am I kidding, fuck that noise.

If you can afford it, I highly recommend it. Shit, who wouldn't? Good luck with those reservations.

Pump. Pump... Squirt. (see above pic).

5 Stars.

1723 North Halsted

Chicago, IL 60614
312-867-0110
http://www.alinea-restaurant.com/

Manhattan NY Pizza

2011-12-12T11:02:00.000-08:00

"We invite you to come and experience the world's best pizza."

Oh, dear... Another "world class" pizza claim in this town. So, I was tipped off by a trusted source that it was good... But the online reviews and pictures looked really suspect to me, so I was in no rush for shitty 'ZA after an amazing display by Fuoco di Napoli. Since, I was in the area to take care of some business, I decided to stop by and try a couple plain slices. The order taker told me slices were a $1... What? Oh, Christ. Eh, what the hell, you never know.

It's took a few minutes to come out. They were piping hot and looked really bad in a frozen pizza kinda way. The mozzarella is the run of the mill bagged cheese. The slices were dripping, no, bathing in orange grease. It took about 5 good size napkins to absorb the funk of this slice of pie. It usually takes about 3 naps to clean up the jizz from the top of my other pies. This processed cheese melted evenly like lava flowing across a doomed town. Once it had a chance to cool down, it harden up with the consistency of Play-Doh. The pull was never ending like some magician and his infinite amount of handkerchiefs from his sleeve. The sauce... Who knows how it tasted because the cheese overpowered it. The dough was chewy and not cooked through... How? It was magma hot when it came out. I think I have had better pizza at Ryan's. Makes Cici's and Chuck n Cheez kinda craveworthy right about now.

"Our company is based on the belief that we know you can get pizza anywhere, but serving a "quality" pie is rare to find."

No kidding, you took the words right outta my mouth.

Rating: Like the picture of the pizza... There is none. But if you must, just Google it. The pic of the sausage bits placed ever-so-lovingly on each slice of pepperoni is glorious.

1560 Indian Trial Rd.
Suite 115
Norcross, GA 30093
http://manhattannypizza.com/

Fuoco di Napoli

2011-12-06T17:22:00.000-08:00

RE-UPDATE: 4 Stars.

Went back a couple weeks after a great start out of the gate to see how they're doing. Looks like Enrico hired a new pizza maker. He still needs to hone his skill. The pies were just not as good as when Enrico makes them. We all know we eat with our eyes first. They were off shaped, not enough char, and toppings were skimpy. It just looked weaker. I don't know if it was just this night but consistency is the most important thing considering that their small menu is made up of only one thing: pizza. Don't get me wrong, this is still a very good pizza. They just need to make sure every pie that goes out is up to spec.

Wow me again like you did on our first 3 dates... And you might get lucky if you play your dough right on our 5th date.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

UPDATE: 4.5 Stars.

Made another visit couple days later... One Word: Holy Crap.

It just gets better and better. Take a gander at a few other glorious specimens...

Pizza del Re- King's Pizza. San Marzano, bufala, ham, shrooms, artichokes, black olives, basil, olive oil. How good was it? It was gone within 4 minzies. Seriously good.

Margherita- Another homerun. Great ingredients, a great oven and an experienced pizzaiolo with passion produces results like this. The best Margherita in Atlanta.

Pizza Sorpresa- Chef's surprise pie. And it sure was... Look at this thing, it was the size of a sheet pan! I must admit, this is not the normal size. He wanted to try something different. It surprised the hell outta me, alright. It consisted of everything they had in the house. The spicy salami they use is one of my favorite ingredients. I could put that on every pie here. It was unreal.

This pizzeria has made it to the top of my list within a week. This is how you do it Atlanta. Go there now and mangia mangia! Now, let's shoot for the top spot in the nation... And knock Mississippi off as the #1 obeast state in the nation. Waddle, don't walk... Unless you have a turbo charged Rascal. Vroom vroom.

Burp.

PS- You're gonna get a lot of varying opinions out there in blogger world comparing this to Antico (which I think has gone down in quality) but on the other hand they're not exactly experts either on the requirements for this type of pizza and the experience that this pizzaiolo brings. And comparing this to Varasno's is just plain bizarre, you might as well compare it to Fellini's. This is the standard where all pies should be measured by in Atlanta. In NYC (compared only to other Napoletana pizzerias) this would be in the top 10... It is just that good.

PPS- The Associazione Verace Pizza Napoletana has strict rules governing a true Napoletana pie with the D.O.C. marking, Denominazione di Origine Controllata... Pies should not be larger than 14" in diameter (12"-14" is average and there's a reason to it, anything larger and it's hello soggy center), people who complain about it being too small knows basically nothing about what they're eating. Most people think the Margherita should be covered in basil, that is wrong, the few leaves of basil was added to the center of the pie right after it came out of the oven just for color (representing the Italian flag) as a tribute to Queen Margherita's visit to Naples.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another Napoletana 'ZA joint has opened up to push Atlanta's pizza scene up another notch. But this place is not just some nobody vying to get some respect in a pretty competitive arena already. The pizzaiolo here is no other than Enrico Liberato of Fritti, Antico and Vingenzo fame. This guy means business when it comes to pizza. And the best part of it, it's located in Buckhead. Yes, intown, you OTP pussies. OK, enough talk, more cowbells and of course... Da 'ZA.

Every time I look at this, it looks like it's giving me the finger. No wonder I'm strangely drawn to it. Takes one to know one. Now fuck off. I'm starving.

The hardest working man in dough business... Enrico "The Liberator" Liberato. Atlantans no longer have to endure bad chain pizza anymore... He will liberate your shitty tastebuds for $5 conveyor belt pies and show you what the big dogs demand.

Awww, shit... Lookie what we got here. D to the O to the muttafukkin P. The basis of a true Napoletana pie. Enrico has worked for this tomato producer in Italy when he was younger while studying the art to the perfect pie.

A sneak peek at the heart of the entire operation. Is that glorious or what? This giant wood fired oven was handmade brick by brick by Enrico himself. The surface area can easily accommodate 10-12 pies comfortably at one time, even though he said he could fit 70 in there. Well... Like the 00 Caputo dough, that's a stretch me thinks. But it's a beautiful sight no matter how you translate his Eyetalian.

It's like the gates to heaven... Well, pizza heaven. PS- All bricks were locally sourced. Enrico says it's not the bricks that should be from Naples, it should be the man making the 'ZA. Touché, touché. When I die, I want to be cremated in here... So, I can give back a little bit of all the pies I ate here. Those pies will be amazing, the flavor will be... Full bodied.

Fuoco di Napoli- Fire of Napoli, the namesake pie. San Marzano, bufala mozzarella, spicy salami, hot peppers, basil and olive oil. Dude, look at the char blisters. You can not get any better than that. The sheen on the ingredients speak for itself and it says quality and flavor. It's a beautiful pie from a beautiful mind. It tastes even better... Like French kissing the man himself. That's what I heard... From a friend.

Stare and discuss amongst yourselves... I'm eating here.

Calzone Napoletano- San Marzano, bufala mozzarella, ricotta cheese, ham, salami, basil. This thing is giant. Like the other Napoletana spots around town, it's basically a whole pie folded in half. This dough pouch is stuff generously with all that quality ingredients and the wood fired oven does the rest. While it was good, it needed to be rotated and lifted to the top of the dome a little bit more inside the oven to give it that wood fire kissed coat and fusing the flavors of the ingredients inside. The steam inside did lift the dough but then quickly deflated right when it got to the table. This lil hiccup will not stop me nor will this be my last calzone here.

Cannoli- Made in house and just the right size. Cannoli are meant to be eaten within 2 to 3 bites. Anything larger than this is just... Americanized. I'm not a cannolo connoisseur but I inhaled it in 2 bites. Goddammit, why am I so fat?

I tried another pie called the "Sorpresa", the chef's selection pie which was ricotta, bufala, spicy salumi and San Marzano sauce... The char was perfect, giving it that crispiness to the bottom and infusing the smokiness of the wood. This was better than the Fuoco pie but only by a tad. Damn, it was good.

The menu is small as it should be for a quality Napoletana pizzeria. For being opened only for 2 days, it has bested some of the more popular pizza places that has been around for a long time... Some of these places maybe a day too long for their own good. But with a little time this place can become #1 in my book. And by the rate they're going, it's not gonna take long. On a side note, Enrico said he's only making small batches of dough on a daily basis (about 100 pies per day and a 48 hours resting/proofing period). That's quality control. There's also hints of another location in midtown and a 3rd in Kennesaw but you didn't hear that from me.

Pump pump.... Eeh, you know the rest.

Squirt.

Burp.

4 Stars.

30 Pharr Road
Atlanta, GA 30305
404-781-0707
www.fuocodinapoli.com

Bell Street Burritos

2011-12-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

Don't ask me why but people fucking love this place. I loved the original idea that was Tortillas back in the days of yore. The days when the hipsters were hip and the burritos were simple and honest. When someone tries to copy someone else's idea... It will never be the same whether it's better or worst than the original. That's just the simple truth, we will always remember how it used to look, smell and taste. It's an experience that can not be duplicated no matter how spot on the recipe and execution is.

It's like some trailer park trash snack (um hmm, Hot Pockets) that you ate all the time when you were a kid... It might have been terrible but that fuck stick was good at that point in your life. For me it was those toaster oven La Choy mini eggrolls. I'm just messin' wit y'all, I was too poor for that high class shit. I just got some dusty old generic FMV (For Mexican Value) frozen tater tots and dipped them in soy sauce (caramel coloring) and pretended they were the mini eggrolls. Yeah, I know, ghetto. But now, I'm rich, biatch... And I can buy all the real La Choy until my pouch's content.

Nevermind all that mess... Let's just eat some hipster Mexican fake chow.

Chips and Green & Red Salsa- Study this picture closely. There's like 5 whole tortillas chips and the rest looked like it came from the bottom of the bag. How the fuck do you expect me to scoop any salsa from a chip the size of a hamster's fingernail? If this basket of chip bits was Rambo, then it beat the shit outta me through attrition. One after another... I gave up. Keep serving chips bits like this, don't forget one thing... A good supply of body bags.

Pork Taco- Similar to what you can score at any mercado on Buford Hwy but the taste and the integrity fell short. It had no taste, no seasoning, no cojones, the tortilla even though double ply fell apart like cheap wet Russian toilet paper. No salsa, hot sauce or what have you coulda saved this. I love munching tacos but this reminded me of my Mexican't ex-gf who couldn't speak one lick of Spanish. Like her, this was a disappointment.

Chicken Burrito- Look at the girth of this thing. It's at least 3 pounds. Fucking impressive, ese! If some hobo tries to steal your meal outside, just swing this bad boy at his face for maximum stoppage, it might even leave a tattoo on his forehead. Bumfights ain't got shit on this beast.

The burro innards. Once again, it's devoid of flavor. WTF am I? Willy's has more kick in the taint. The red beans were barely drained/strained of the excess funk from their holding tank that it basically turned the bottom half of this monstrosity into mush before you even have a chance to get half way through. Grab a set of plasticware and a heaping of those tiny 4x2 recycled napkins because you're in for a treat... Like a couple of fat chicks K-Y Jelly wrasslin'.

Steak Quesadilla- It looked promising with its width... But the caramel colored spots proved signs of uneven flat top temperature. So you get soft bites and crispy bites throughout your journey from roti to naan to bread chips. To add injury to insult, the side order of brownish gray oxidized guacamole totally drained the blood flow from my erect burrito. It tasted off to say the least.

After lifting up the tort flaps to inspect the goods under the hood, there was not much there to be desired. Small cubes of meat scattered lightly around, along with some salsa and a sprinkling of Jack cheese... I know you're prolly asking who is this Jack person and why is he soiling my flap sandwich. But I assure you no one by the name Jack works here... You can blame it on Rio.

Tortillas, there is no substitute. I hate to say it but Willy's (not that I go there much either) is better than BSB... Tortillas can be compared to old relationships, it was a phase in our lives, it is gone now and let's just remember how it was, good or bad and move on. But if you're one of those people who can't seem to let go, you can once again pretend to be a hipster and eat hipster grub right here, anytime and relatively cheap.

1 Star.

1663 Howell Mill Rd
Atlanta, GA 30318
404-835-2018
http://www.bellstreetburritos.com

Zuma Sushi

2011-11-30T10:11:00.000-08:00

So... We meet again. The original location of the Zuma twins. When I first came here years ago, the slices of sashimi were thick as phone books. A couple years later, went to their Toco Hills location... Even thicker. And now back to the this humble location and it was as thick as ever. Where did their sushi cooks train... At a meat packaging plant? If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right? I guess... But I prefer a little more finesse and a little less man-handling of the delicate flesh of the fish... I'm fragile.

No one expects authenticity here... Especially, when their background is not even Japanese. But we can still have fun in this Korean co-ed ran joint. It's not as gaudy as Ru San's and the waitresses are more fun to look at. When you want a quick bite and a little more class than that dusty old Publix sushi... This will fit the bill nicely. I was on my way to P'cheen but I wanted something a little lighter than their menu and boom, sushi it was... Let's see how they're doing these days. No more anime... Thank God. That's a good start...

Softshell Crab Tempura- Keep looking... It's in there somewhere. If you like a lot of crust, you'll be in batter heaven with this dish. It's pretty much a standard obligatory item on any American-sushi menu. But if you put it in front of my snout and I'll eat it. I'm not ashamed about my crabs.

Salmon Skin Roll & Hamachi Roll- The menu was so basic and homogenized it didn't really leave much for adventurous eating. More than Half the menu is rolls after rolls... When in Rome, do what the Koreans do. The salmon skin was probably the most risky proposition here. Both rolls were borderline at best.

Sashimi Combo- Looked passable. Your basic assorted selection of sashimi. The fish was obviously frozen, I didn't expect them to source their fish from Tsukiji market and over-nighted. The thick slices is just too much, it makes the fish seem heavy. I like thinner pieces so you can taste what you're eating and not preoccupied with chewing like a cow.

This sushi is not gonna blow your mind but it may blow the budget for the cheap Charlies out there because it's not AYCE for $9.99. The quality of the fish is above Ru San's but the attention to details and cutting skills of the sushi cooks still needs work. Bigger isn't always better... But it's obvious who they're trying to cater towards.

It is what it is.

1.5 Stars.

701 Highland Avenue Northeast
Atlanta, GA 30312
404-522-2872
http://www.zumasushibar.com/

Octopus Bar

2011-11-25T08:44:00.000-08:00

I was not in love with So Ba. I was not even in like with it... Unlike the dozens and dozens of roundeyes who claimed to know Vietnamese cuisine and how authentic it was. They loved the pho like it was gospel. They liked it because they had no transportation and it was close to their shanties. To me the pho, bun and co'm was pretty wack. I'm not gonna kick that rotting dead Frankenhorse again. But I will tell you that the owner is a righteous dude (there are things that must be watered down for the demographics, this goes for Miso Izakaya as well). From that hipster beloved monstrosity he has created, he is trying to make things right with this new quiet sea beast... Called the Octopus Bar. I like the concept, reminds me of the hideouts in NYC that only caters to the industry scene after dark. It was a place where the workers could go to relax, drink and nosh on something when everything else has closed. I don't know how well it will do in East Atlanta nowadays since no one really wants to be out in that area late into the early morning like how it was back in the days... But we'll see.

The space is simple. Basically, enclosing what once was the patio space. There's some tables and chairs and the bar in the back. Some scribbles of random drawings and a fat fuck of a buddha on the wall or what not. I don't care about the decor for a place like this... I was there for the food and drinks. So, I tried out some bites to test out the menu first... But I will definitely be back to try the rest of the evolving menu. I can' believe I'm in the same space as So Ba but at least it's on the other side and I can't see or smell any of that pho creastures or else I might involuntarily purge.

Salt + Pepper Shrimp- Ask for extra crispy or else it gets soggy and limp... Bitches don't like that, no sirree. And the most important thing to this dish is that you have to eat the entire thing, head, tail and all... Or else don't order it. It's disrespectful to the shrimp. This was a good lil dish. A little spicy, a little salty but I liked it a lot or mebbe it was all the whiskey I was swilling. Still good no matter how you look at it.

Lobster Roll- I heard about the lobster roll and I knew I had to try it. This was my main reason to make the perilous journey. Initial impression, pretty nice. The top split buttered and toasted bun looked great. The chunks of lobster looked adequate. The taste was surprisingly good. The shredded lettuce on the bottom I could do without. It's no New England/North Eastern lobster roll but from a place like this, it was pretty damn good. I fucking inhaled that bitch within 3 bites.

Brussels Sprouts Salad- Finely shaved with a couple walnuts on the side... Hmm, sounds like my daily routine in the shower. This was not what I expected, it was more like a slaw thinger. It was under seasoned and lacked anything of interest to me. How do the vegan brutes do it? I don't like to shit green. The walnuts were good, though.

First impressions: I liked it. And I will make the trip back here after 10pm again and again to see what other goodies they come up with. You keep the S&P shrimp and lobster roll on the menu and there won't be any complaints from me. Just remember to pack some heat or two. There's potential here.

Developing...

2.5 Stars.

561 Gresham Ave
Atlanta, GA 30316
404-627-9911

Cafe Circa

2011-11-25T08:30:00.000-08:00

Caribbean cuisine is not exactly a door buster in this town, the options are pretty scarce. I've been to most of them and they're nothing to write home about or even merit a second visit, it's kinda a waste of money and pouch space. The flavors are pretty much watered down, not saying that they can't cook the real deal but in this town authenticity is not gonna fill the seats or their pocketbooks. But as usual, you just gotta try it because you never know, you could come outta it surprised and for the better... Or worse.

Cafe Circa was barely on my radar since the get go... Their fusion cuisine of Caribbean and Latin flavors aka 'International Cuisine' said 'no gracias' to me. But since I was on my way to church next door, why not commit a couple of sins along the way. Just repent (or purge) and all is well again.

I liked the decor... The wood, the cozy feeling and all that jazz. The service was adequate, sometimes on the slow side even when it's not crowded. This feels more like a place to meet, grab a drink and then head off to your main destination. But let's take a looksie, anyways...

CIRCA BEEF PATTIES- "Three Jamaican-style beef patties served with roasted beef jus." "Jamaican-style" is right... Kinda like NY-style pizza. Not even close. Why are they deep fried? The filler was forgettable... No really, I forgot what it tasted like. The beef jus was scary in voodoo kinda way. Fuck, don't hex me, bro.

DOROTHY’S GUMBO- "Andouille sausage, crab, crawfish, chicken and rice." First bite wasn't bad. It was kinda tasty. The more I ate, the less I found the listed ingredients within it. No crawfish, no crab, just stringy chicken bits and a couple slices of sausage. If it contained all the listed ingredients, it wouldn't be half bad.

CIRCA’S WORLD FAMOUS GUAVA JERKED WINGS- "Fresh guava and jerk sauce." What did you just call me? "Well, the Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you. What's the difference, you're their all time best seller." Well, not quite so in this case. While they were decent size, they lacked any striking Caribbean jerk flavors. They were barely warmed through and eating them reminded me of eating cold chicken from the fridge at 4 AM. Not that that's a bad thing... If it was Popeyes.

CIRCA PAELLA (30 min. cook time)- "Saffron rice with chicken, sausage, calmari, shrimp and mussels." After waiting patiently what seemed forever just for a taste of that succulent "socarrat" crust at the bottom of the paella pan... All I got was this mushy, soupy, greasy, instant rice with tough pre-cooked thighs (at least it was the proper cut of bone-in chicken for this classic dish), disturbingly dried up bearded mussels that weren't even worthy of "fake chow", and a couple measly pieces of rubbery shrimp and frozen rings of "calmari" soaking at the bottom. I have had better from a Zatarain's box and it took less time. 30 minutes and $18 that I will never get back. Did I mention $18 for box rice...

The space is kinda cool but the food... Well, stick with very simple dishes, and I stress the words "very simple". Perfectly fine to grab a couple of drinks here and a nibble but anymore than that, it will be utter disappointment from the "assembled dream team of talent" and buyer's remorse will set in before you walk out the door... In my case out of the bathroom door.

Flush.

1 Star.

464 Edgewood Ave
Atlanta, GA 30312
(404) 477-0008
http://www.CafeCircaAtl.com

New Saigon Vietnamese Bistro

2011-11-20T21:38:00.001-08:00

Is this space just too palatial for Asian grub? Because not one single concept has worked in this space in the past decade. Pung Mie was there for a long time barely making ends meet, they were basically squeezing blood from a rock. Then this Ocean Villas came and went like a 2 dollar whore on Boulevard in the night. Let me tell ya, those two places sucked balls. It's no wonder why they closed shop (Pung Mie has became Fung Mei in Duluth). I could only imagine the rent for this space. When expense is greater than income... Well, y'all can count. I think.

Now, comes this New Saigon Vietnamese Bistro... Am I missing something here? Was there an Old Saigon? But anyways, this place is awesome... Awesomely, fucking weird. I walk in and the owner starts speaking Cantonese to me... WTF? Do I have a Made In Hong Kong sign around my neck? This is a Vietnamese resto, yes? Bloody hell, we're in for a treat. Like with the past tenants, the staircase to the upstairs is mysteriously blocked off. Has anyone ever seen the upstairs? I was tempted to make a run for it and snap some pics... There could be a opium den up there. How coolie would that be?

Let's take a peek at the goods... The menu consists of your generic Chino hits, oops, I meant Viet hits... Nothing mind blowing here but when you think of Viet grub, you think simple comfort food. So, let's try some of them...

Cha Gio- Super thin wrapper, super crispy, super hot and fresh outta da fryer... But it wasn't super good. It was passable, filler wasn't a thriller. Wrap it with the lettuce, dip in the nuoc cham and call it a day.

Pho Dac Biet- 2 sizes available (regular and large). This is the regular and it is huge. No normal human being can eat this entire thing... Except me. Broth was ok, not very flavorful, didn't really expected it after I saw a black & white poster of The Rock (yes, Dwayne Johnson) Scotch-taped to the wall. Yes, Scotch-taped to the wall. I didn't know The Rock was such a big fan of this place. They give you a hefty portion of meat and all the fixins but at the end of the day, it was just ok. It's overpriced for what you get, when you can go down the street for better and cheaper. The rent here must be outrageous. If you need a quick fix, it'll do and you'll help pay the rent.

Grilled Pork- Those two sunnyside up fwied eggs looked disturbing. It feels creepy as if my football coach was raping me with his eyes while I pulled up my R2-D2 Underoos. Did I say that out loud? Nevermind. Anyways... This dish was ok. The pork was fine if not a little overcooked and tough. The rice was just some regular old white rice from your local dumpy Chino joint... If it ain't "broken", don't serve it. Look at that brown crust around the eggs, looks like all the loose skin after a fat chick has lost a ton of weight. That shit is so gnarly.

Chocolate Ice Cream on Banana Bread- WTF is this? I usually put my scoop of ice cream in a hamburger bun... Buttered and lightly toasted, pweez. That ice cream tasted like powdered hot coco mix that was frozen. It was not creamy, it was a brown snowball. You can taste more ice than chocolate. This was FOB as fuck.

Flan- What? Yeah, you heard me, it's a creme caramel. I know the Frogs had a lot of influence on Vietnamese cuisine... But did they forget that the owners are Chinese? This thing was ridiculously bad but here's a little something for the effort... Flush. No wonder the desserts were free. No one would seriously pay for these two displays of incompetence.

This place has no identity or soul, it's a little of this and little of that. It's part Vietnamese, part Chinese (they have beef chowfun but after that beastly rendition at Golden House I wasn't gonna be bamboozled again) and part Ra-tard. This combination is a risky proposition especially in a space that's notoriously known for failure. I give this place no more than 4 months.

1 Star.

5145 Buford Highway
Doraville, GA

Fung Mei

2011-11-20T18:41:00.000-08:00

I don't know if this place made the right choice by moving up to Duluth and changing the spelling of their name from their original location on Buford Hwy when it was known as Pung Mie... But the mediocre food hasn't changed much for the better, especially in this area inhabited by many ex-pats. If you can't deliver the goods, just go home... But not all ex-pats demand authenticity. Even Asians like to go slumming sometimes. Their menu is pretty mixed all around from Cantonese to Sichuan.

The space is nice as far as Chinese restos go... But the side room with the larger tables had it's own stand alone portable AC unit that was set at 69 for some reason at this time of the year and it was a bit too cold for comfort. But hey, I don't mind eating with my jacket on if the food was worthy... Let's see if it was.

I saw Xiao Long Bao's on the menu and I had to have it... Too bad they were all out. The other baffling thing was that the Sichuan side of the menu said it would take 20-30 minutes to prepare vs. the regular menu. Everything we tried to order from the Sichuan menu were mysteriously not available. Can you say sketchy? But let's stick to their regular menu and see what they can deliver.

Pan Fried Dumplings - Straight from the bag and right into the wok. How did it taste? Yeah, you guessed it... That good. Flush.

Beef Chowfun - Not terrible but not great either. Just needed more flavor. The wide noodles were sticking to one another so the dark soy didn't coat it thoroughly. The sliced beef were fine. If you needed a quick fix for some noodles this will do.

Ja Jiang Mein- The amount of soybean sauce they give you is ridiculous. Does that look proportionately right to you? Too bad it was meatless. But I tell you what, this was prolly the best dish of the night. Hey, more sauce than less is fine by me. The noodles were a bit overcooked and mushy but not to the point that it was made for a senior citizen.

Sweet & Sour Pork- I saw this going to another table and it looked like semi authentic. You know, not the version with that fucking disgusting nuclear orange fake sweet & sour sauce. So, why not? OK, I'll tell you why not... Thin strips of pork encrusted with thick hard batter. The sauce was too sweet and sticky like caramel. Ugh, can you say Chin Chin's?

Scallops with Oyster Mushrooms- Nothing tasted right with this dish. Scallops had no flavor as if they were frozen and the sliced oyster mushrooms tasted like it's been sitting in a can for 10 years. Ugh, can you Chico and Chang's?

Walnut Shrimp - This looked and tasted like it came straight off a fusion Asian resto menu. U got the fried batter shrimp, whole walnuts, this sweet mayo like sauce and nestled on top of iceberg lettuce. Classic. Can you say PF Chang's?

This place is not gonna win any awards. It's your basic Chinese resto that is a step up from the hole in the walls places around town. If you want to go ghetto in Duluth among the better Chino restos, this place will fit the bill nicely.

1 Star.

1605 Pleasant Hill Road
Duluth, GA 30096
770-935-8888
www.fungmei.com

Chicken and the Egg

2011-11-13T21:13:00.000-08:00

Is there room for another restaurant boasting a locally sourced, all natural, organic, never frozen, sustainable, blah, blah menu? Sure, why not, everyone is doing it already what's another one in the played out bucket. So, where is this located in town? What? Where? Jesus Marietta Christ, you say? I just hope it's worth the long drive to nowhere bumblefuck. And of course it's located in a strip mall, naturally. But sometimes the best food can come from a street cart, so it's got that going for them.

The space is quite large but yet had that cozy cottage feeling. The bar up front is just too large for this type of establishment even though it's nicely stocked with a good selection of liquor and wine. It seems more family oriented than a sports/hangout bar but what do I know. I like this set up in some former life as a bumpkin kinda way. Sat down at the table and everything's dandy so far... 5 minutes passes and not a single soul has stopped by the table. Ok. Finally, our server (who looked kinda like Kevin Rathbun's doppelganger with the manners of a goat) comes by, does his quick pitch and then walks off. This is really freaky. Comes back a few minutes later to take drink and appetizer orders but he decided to walk off once again after only taking the drink orders. Fuck me. Where am I, I can't breathe. I knew then that I needed to order everything at once the next time he breezes by at his earliest convenience or else I'll be here for 4 hours and I didn't want to be stuck out here in Children of the Corn country.

I looked at the menu online before I drove up there but they didn't bother to update it with the most current one. This is a classic move. The old bait and switch... Because everything was priced more than the menu online. I can understand offering a new monthly menu but how long has this place been opened... Two months tops? How the hell can the prices go up already? Nothing is more annoying than being bamboozled. But whatever... If you're that hard up for that extra dollar, I'll pay it just to make you happy and not the other way around... Just cook me some delicious vittles and all is good.

(Mushroom Bisque)

One word: Salt. Salt. And more salt. When this hits your tongue, that salt smacks you in your nuts. I don't know if the saltiness got more concentrated as the bisque was reducing down over time on the stove or if whoever made this bisque just doesn't know the difference between a pinch and a punch of salt. Even the two sabertooths at the next table were shocked by how salty it was and made this face like they were being forced to give head again. What a waste of great mushrooms. Just awful.

(Buttermilk Fried Oyster, creole tartar)

I heard these things were nothing to write home about but I don't believe it until I have eaten them for myself. Nice medium sized oysters, crispy crust, moist and hot inside... Sounds spot on right? Except for one thing, these oysters had zero taste to them. It didn't have that outta the water briny freshness and they were not seasoned when they came out of the fryer. I have had better with more flavor and they haven't even been shaved in days. This dish looked great but it still baffles me to this day how tasteless they were.

(Rustic Pate, mustard, cornichons, honey comb, griddled bread)

What's missing in this picture? Prolly the most interesting thing on this menu... The honey comb. I asked the server if they left it out by mistake... Nope, they were out of it, so they just decided to pass it off without even mentioning a word about it. Who are they trying to fool? I notice everything on a plate. Worse part of it, they didn't even try to substitute it with something else with a sweetness to compliment the pate, that is until I asked about it. The pate was acceptable... It reminded me of SPAM (not that it's a bad thing) except it was a bit on the dry and unseasoned side. The bread was toasted way in advanced that it had basically dried out to bread crumb consistency but yet it still had that just griddled look to it. If you try to cut it in half the entire thing will just shatter into dozens of pieces. The cornichons were great though. The honey comb replacement of tomato jam was better than nothing. The grain mustard needed more kick.

(Farm House Burger, fried egg, bacon)

Props to them for allowing the patrons to cook it to temp... Medium rare, pweez. Too bad it came out medium well+ with an ashy gray center. Do I even dare at this point to send it back? Fuck it, I'm so over it. The fried egg was cooked properly with a runny yolk, nice. But the bacon... How does one make bacon taste like nothing? This was one mysterious tasteless bacon. Mebbe the hand cut fwies will fare better... Maybe not. The fries were barely warmed through, limp, unseasoned and starchy in the middle. What happened to the first stage of poaching the fries? You know what, nevermind. What's next...

(Iron Skillet Fried Chicken)

Aaaahhh, the pièce de résistance... Looked wonderful and kept separated from the sides (now that's thinking ahead, bravo). Super crispy crust and hot... But it wasn't very juicy inside. After working on this for awhile the crust seemed thicker and thicker and the meat drier and drier. It wasn't a bad fried yardbird, just not a great one as you would expect with a $16 price tag. Everyone would like to think they have the best fried southern bird but then again everybody would like to think that their ugly babies are the cutest babies on earth.

(Real mac & cheese, braised greens)

The mac & cheese was pretty tasty, it came out nice and hot reheated in it's own serving vessel. Cute. The braised greens were cooked well but the jus that it was cooked in at the bottom of the bowl was super salty.

(Banana Pudding)

Desserts aren't my thing but it's one of the better renditions in this town but after a bite or two, I was over it. I'm sure some people could eat a gallon of this in one sitting. Not too shabby.

Overall, I don't see much of a difference between this place along with the shitload of other new southern restos in this genre with the same ubiquitous menu except that this joint has some consistency issue. The execution needs work. The seasoning on each dish was either overkill or none at all. It's obvious that no one in the kitchen is tasting anything. I've worked in restos like this, where the cooks are pushed too hard to get the food out whether it taste right or way off. It was about turnover. The service was spotty and could be a little more attentive (coulda been just our server that night but that's no excuse on the management's part), making the guest feel like they're a burden is that last thing you want. They have so many servers out front but not a single one of them took it on themselves to pick up a finished plate on the table even when they saw it with empty hands. It was that "it ain't my table" kinda attitude.

This resto has a lot going for it this area, it just needs leadership and someone who has a grasp on running the front of the house as well in the kitchen. One can't do without the other. Would I come back on a regular basis, prolly not, but I may check back here in a year or so.

2 Stars.

800 Whitlock Ave.
Marietta, GA 30064
678-388-8813
www.chickenandtheegg.com

Barcelona Wine Bar

2011-11-13T21:11:00.002-08:00

UPDATE: 3 Stars.

So, I had to make a few more trips over here and bring some more friends to sample more of the menu and the results were pretty positive. There were 2 major dishes I had to try... Of course, the paella and the whole roasted piggy. Remember, the more people you have, the more you'll be able to enjoy the large selection of tapas. Lookie here...

(Sunday Whole Pig Roast)

Nice display of meat. It was a tad dry and chewy but overall, it was not too shabby. Available on Sunday only... Plus, all wines are half off. Fuck, you know I'm there.

(Paella)

This was the paella for two. Look at the size of that friggin thing! So glad we got the "small" order. While it didn't disappoint in portion control, the paella lacked that oh-so-important "socarrat" or the crispy rice on the bottom of the pan. While there were hints of it in there, they just couldn't fully do it properly in that busy kitchen (lack of burner space). But overall, it's one of the better versions in this town. Is it worth $50 for the 2 person minimum order? I think so because you can feed 6 with that pan.

(Monkfish a la Kiosko)

This was a fun little dish. I love monkfish... It may be the ugliest fucking thing in the sea but this "poor man's lobster" was pretty tasty.

(Ham & Cheese Croquetas)

Cute and tasty. I dared a chick to put one in each cheek but she had a chorizo in her mouth already. Party pooper.

(Fluke Ceviche)

This dish coulda been 10 times better if they didn't flood the plate with a gallon of EVOO. The oil masked the natural flavor of the crudo instead of enhancing it. It was fine but make sure you ask them to go light on the olive oil.

(Crispy Brussels Sprouts)

Who doesn't love roasted brussels sprouts. Good stuff.

(Grilled Hanger Steak w/ Black Truffle Sauce)

Grilled spot on. Order it... It has truffle sauce. Yeah. c'mon.

(Gambas al Ajillo)

Awesome sizzling big shrimpz. Fuck Red Lobster.

(Homemade Empanadas w/ Cumin Scented Chicken, Avocado )

Eh, the only disappointment of the pack. Just didn't have any discernible flavor. Boring at best for something that is usually oh-so tasty.

(Side Salad)

What is this? I'm still trying to figure it out.

(Crepas Salguero)

It's a thin pancake with chocolate sauce. Squirt.

(Churros)

Ok, so there was a cooking malfunction on the first try. There was parchment paper inside one of the churros. C'mon, you're gonna kill somebody!!! Luckily, my friend saw it and started to dissect it and made the discovery. Oh, the first batch was a very sad display visually, thin, limp and lifeless. But the replacement order came out almost as lovely as I remembered the first time I had it... It was a tad undercooked this time. I still think it's one of the best churros in town but when they get it right it's the best in town.

This is a fun place to go with a bunch of friends to drink and of course nibble on the extensive list of tapas. Not all the dishes work but if you choose wisely, you and your friends will eat well and be stuffed like a fat chick home alone in the end.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, what a change for the better from that outhouse, Zaya... This new semi-authentic tapas wine bar franchise dumped a shitload of cash into this space. And it looks pretty friggin amazing. Covered in basically all wood inside, it kinda reminded me of a really hip spot in EVill, NYC... But instead of Korean Fried Chicken, you have a huge selection of tapas offerings to nosh on. The outside patio has these tiny stools and tables fit for a hobbit. It's usable but after awhile, your ass is so numb it feels like you just got violated by the Hells Angels. The fire place is also a nice touch for the chillier days.

When Sunday nights are dead for most restos, this joint was packed like it was a Friday or Saturday night. Could it be the half off bottles of wine, any bottle... Ah, yeah, I'd say so. But how's the food (tapas)? Looking through the menu, I saw a lot of promising dishes such as the Parrillada, an Argentine mixed grill of pork chop, half chicken, Gaucho sausage, N.Y. strip, papas fritas and chimichurri... Or the hard to get right, Paella with saffron rice, chicken, squid, shrimp, chorizo, clams & mussels. The Monkfish a la Kiosko looked interesting as well. Since, I ate dinner earlier already, a few tapas plates would be a better gauge of what the kitchen can do (yeah, I know I'm a fat fuck, get over it, I did).

(Gambas al Ajillo)

Nicely sauteed shrimp but needed more seasoning. Came out sizzling hot, so eat them quick or else they get rubbery.

(Chorizo with Sweet & Sour Figs)

Looks really depressing doesn't it? It tasted better than it looked... But not by much. Chorizo were ok, not much flavor but the figs gave it that extra kick in the taste budz.

(Steak Paillard)

This brought up a very emotional event... It reminded me of that hellacious Steak Frites at Buckhead Bottle Bar with the fries piled high atop the meat flap. But this tasted 100 times better... Even though it was over cooked a bit. This is a thin piece of meat, don't need to cook it to death. Oooh, lookie, potato sticks!

(Spinach-Chickpea Casserole)

Ewww, what is that? Looks like a warm bucket of hamster vomit. Stir it up and it doesn't look as bad. It tasted alright but you need veggies from time to time... Mebbe I shoulda ordered a Congress approved veggie like pizza instead. That's one tasty veggie the obese American people can get behind.

(Pulpo Gallego)

Octopus and fingerling "potaotes" is always an good idea but oh, Lord, looks like the Devil regurgitated this thing on a plate. Bon appetit!

(Albondigas)

Who doesn't like to stuff balls of meat in their cheeks... I does for one cuz I'm like a chipmunk. These were ok, kinda bland and dry but the tomato sauce helped a little. It's not that difficult to season your balls with herbs and spices... It will do wonders for your sex life.

(Churros)

These churros rocked out with its cock out... Literally. Like in Boiler Room, "Act as if... You had a 9 inch cock". It was a pail of three healthy schlongs, if they served this at Swinging Richards, they would be packed every night... No pun intended but totally feasible. Go ahead use your imagination. But these churros were fried to order, plump, crispy and airy inside like a pillow... Possibly the best churros in town. These imprinted on me like Jacob imprinted on Renesmee.

Barcelona Wine Bar is an instant hit with Atlanta... Why? Because this town needed it. There are other tapas joints that's been around town for awhile but they don't have the whole package like this place. It's amazing how a little change in appearance and food offerings can bring in the crowds. Or maybe it was just the good wine deal on Sundays (I sure took advantage of that liberally). The menu might be a little too ambitious for this crew and space. There were some hits and misses because there is just too much going on. For me, I would like to see them reduce the menu down by half and really put out consistent dishes one after another. Who knows and who cares if they do or not but I'll be back to try the mains and hopefully they will make me soil my pants. If the paella blows balls, there will be hell to pay.

Good first date, hopefully an even better second one.

Squirt.

2.5 Stars.

240 N. Highland Ave, bld 2
Atlanta, GA 30307
404-589-1010
http://www.barcelonawinebar.com/atlanta.htm

Buckhead Pizza Co.

2011-11-13T21:11:00.001-08:00

When this franchise started popping up in Atlanta, I really had no desire to waste my time nor my waistline for local pizza since we all know Atlanta style pizza pretty much suck. But after a few months, I kept it on my radar because I was running out of places to eat that I have never been to. Since, this franchise was started up by a former owner of Ray's New York Pizza... Maybe it was time to give it a try. Ray's by no means is a New York 'Za but it was a decent slutty drunkard pizza like Fellini's from what I remember about a decade ago.

I was hungover and I wanted to go slummin'. When I looked at their website, I saw this anomaly... "We use a specialty pizza oven that cooks at a perfect 500° so our pizzas come out thin and crispy on the bottom." WTF? 500 degrees? Hello, Easy-Bake just called, they want their oven back... Even my piece of shit Sanford and Son gas oven goes higher than that without even doing a Varasano's special. Now, it was a challenge. I had to see and eat this thing. Since, I was in the hood taking care of some unsavory things, I decided to stop in on an early Sunday night. It was dead as fuck can be. Seemed like they were filming the Walking Dead up in this piece. I went straight to the bar, naturally. Bartendress finally appeared after 7 or so minutes later and I ordered my shit ASAP before it went back into it's cave to hibernate...

(The Perimeter Pie, Italian sausage, caramelized onions, sun dried tomatoes, ricotta cheese)

Had to do a large pie, the test of the pizza maker and the oven. Yes, pizza maker not pizzaiolo. It's like calling the head cook at Applebee's a Chef. Yeah yeah, what about the oven? Well, it looked like a cross between a gas and wood oven. Couldn't be sure by looking at it and their website said nothing about it either except that it's perfect at 500° (baffling). But anyways, I was quite surprised by this pie. Thin, semi crispy, no char, toppings and cheese were acceptable. It's not gonna win any prizes but when you want a decent tasting stuff your face kinda pizza, this did the trick. The large pie is quite large, easily feeds 4 normal sized pouches.

(The Perimeter close up)

I can't believe I'm giving it a passing grade... I might regret it later but it's ok since no one reads this shit anyways. BTW- I wasn't even gonna go there with the Margherita pie, not here. It coulda... Wait, it woulda been a disastrous failure.

(Grilled Chicken Wings, sauteed onions, garlic, lemon juice and EVOO)

One thing's for sure, they were jumbo wings... And another thing's for sure, they were parboiled and then thrown on the grill for those lovely grill marks. As if they weren't water logged enough, they then drown them in a vat of EVOO that even Rachael Rey would find repulsive. They have a perfect oven @ 500°, why not just cook them in it like at Max's Coal Oven...

(Meatball Hoagie, fresh tomato sauce, melted mozarella cheese)

WTF... I know cooks like to fuck around in the kitchen like in "Waiting" but what kinda prank is this? A little shake of dandruff, a sprinkle of fromunda cheese or even lather the bread with ballsack butter will suffice... But I don't need a fucking bucket load of horse jizz dumped on top of my meatball sub. This is absurd. Finding the meatballs in this thing is like finding the keys that you dropped in between the flaps of a fat chick. You are basically screwed with this abyss. Maybe I should just look for the wet spots. BTW- The meatballs were weak.

(Caesar Salad)

Yes, it seems so. That garlic knot bread golf ball thinger looked weird on the edge of the plate. It annoyed me, so I flicked it off.

This is not top notch gourmet pizza, this is not NY style 'Za, this is not Napoletana 'Za, this is Atlanta 'Za. Accept it. But this will surely fill you up and get you fat. This location is borderline depressing.

1 Star.

One Galleria Parkway SE
Atlanta, GA 30339
(770) 405-0722
http://www.buckheadpizzaco.com/Galleria

Sushi Itto

2011-11-11T21:56:00.000-08:00

It's always an uncomfortable feeling walking in to an empty restaurant during prime dinner hours. Thoughts fill your head as to why... Oh, I don't know, maybe little things such as does the food suck here that bad? But I said fuck it, let's try it anyways since I'm up in this piece already. I made a bee-line for the sushi bar, at least there's someone to talk to about their food... Plus, you usually get a better fish selection at the bar.

It's a clean, no frills kinda joint... Very cookie-cutter for this area but this area was lacking a sushi joint, so it was nice to see one open up here. There's nothing on the menu here that will test your adventurous side. It's like an upscale Ru San's. I was a little startled when I heard the sushi chefs speaking Mandarin. HAHA. WTF. Tell you the truth it really didn't surprise me all that much. I wasn't expecting to find top grade sushi or a master sushi chef here anyways. What surprised me, was that they didn't open a Chinese buffet instead. I'm here just for the ride... Take me somewhere fun.

Sushi Bar Freebie - I almost pissed my pants when he stuck this in front of my snout. It's some concoction of surimi, panko, roe, bonito flakes and a couple other unrecognizable filler... It weird to say the least but after a couple bites, it wasn't too bad. Pissing off the sushi chef right off the bat by refusing to try his "crap on a plate" would only lead to a trip to the head later on.

House Salad with Ginger Dressing - It's your run of the mill Japanese style resto salad but what made it a wee bit different was the ginger dressing. That shit was 99% grated ginger! It was totally wack.

Sushi Sandwich - Look at this thing. It was so silly but I had to get just to see what it was all about. Interesting idea but the filler coulda been more creative. It was pretty dry all around and you had to take a sip of water, tea, miso soup or what have you to wash it down. No booze license yet so I was stuck to those lame options. Thank God, they make this thing called a flask.

Up close and personal... Some thin slices of tuna or salmon coulda put this in positive territory but at the end of the day, it's really just a stupid PR gimmick like indoor bocce ball. If I was a POW, I would prolly eat the shit outta it and ask for seconds.

Tempura (Assorted) - This was not on the menu as an appetizer, so you will have to ask for it. And what a steal it was for $5 after looking at the bill at the end. It's your usual tempura suspects- shrimp, onion, broccoli, sweet tater, zucchini, et al... But it's good filler.

Nigiri with Dragon Roll - I tell ya what, not the best grade of fish but for the price this combo plate was a pretty good deal. The fish were all fresh enough, the sushi rice was a tad too cold but this dragon roll with softshell crab and eel that came with it surprised me a bit in a good way. They usually give you some shitty spicy tuna roll made from the scraps. I hate rolls but anything with softshell crab in it makes me happy.

Awww, how cute... A little orange purse thinger... Just like in fancy Chinese resto-want.

This Chinese owned and operated sooshee joint ain't gonna win any awards but if you want to slum it round eye style, this local neighborhood joint has decent quality fish (although pretty limited) and a price to match which makes this a good value... And maybe it will stick around for a bit. Oh, and the service was friendly and not all up in your face even when the restaurant was as empty as Woodruff Park.

1.5 Stars.

2173 Briarcliff Road
Atlanta, GA 30329
404-633-3400

Golden House

2011-11-09T19:14:00.000-08:00

I've had my eyeball on this joint for awhile now... How could you not? It's right off the exit to Pleasant Hill, right after Assi market and right next to a fucking Joe's Crab Shack with a giant sign like the Golden Arches that says eat me, fucker. It was looking for attention like a whiny little bitch in Va-Hi... And so it did. Since, it got rave reviews on the intertubes, and Atlanta sorely needs a better (real) dim sum option, it was time to sneak a peak and see what all the fuss was about. I was a bit skeptical since I just came back from Hong Kong eating dim sum on a daily basis.

It had all the signs of something promising... It was so fresh and so clean clean, it had all the Chinese decor and Asian thingamajiggers spewed around the joint like the really gaudy red FOBBY slip covers with the giant yellow bow on the chairs and the menu looked decent enough to eat (supposedly the ex-chef from Bo Bo Garden and Wan Lai)... That is until, I saw Vietnamese on the menu as well. WTF, another hybrid cross breeding creasture. Plus, the hostess and front of the house people didn't speak a lick of Cantonese, only Mandarin. Rut ruh. I don't know about you but mainland China does not do dim sum. But that's another story, let's just get to the tapas, err, I mean dim sum...

(Sampler)

Luckily, most of the dim sum cart ladies spoke Cantonese, thank God... Because pointing at dishes and making caveman noises would be so pathetic. Take a gander at the spread...

Siu Mai- Steamed pork dumplings. A bit tough, chewy, not much flavor.

Ngau Yuk- Steam beef meatballs. Tender and moist but bland.
Char Siu Bau- BBQ pork buns. Straight outta the bag.
Wu Gok- Fried taro dumplings. I love these thing with a passion and only skilled chefs can make this. It was soggy, oily and flaked off in sheets, it should be delicate, light and crispy. Failed.
Daan Taat- Egg custard tart. This was ok. Pastry was flaky and the custard had good consistency. Could be a tad sweeter.
Lo Mei Gai- Lotus leaf sticky rice. Rice was fine but they were cheap on the filling. Like nothing inside. No Chinese sausage except in my pants.
Jian Dui- Seasame balls with red bean paste. It was like eating a Hacky Sack. But the Gwai-lo's seem to love this thing.

And there was some other shrimp dumpling hybrid that mysteriously appeared on the table that had no name. That dim sum skank musta snucked it in. There were so many other fake dim sum dishes getting pushed around that it almost made me think they wanted to cater towards the round eyes... But the initial crowd seemed mostly Asian, even though it was a mixed Oriental group. Keeping your ears open and listening to other tables is a good way to judge the demographics which dictates the food.

(Har Gao)

Holy Mary, Jesus and Chairman Mao... What the hell is this? Looks like an Albino's ball sack. Why are they upside down? Is Sir Mix-A-Lot making this shit in the back? Cuz shrimp dumplings got back. Har gao and siu mai are the two most popular dim sum dishes... And you just have to get them right. Period. Or else just close shop and go home. Well, these were pretty miserable. The skin was too mushy and the shrimp inside was rubbery, how long has this been sitting in the steamer? It broke apart when you tried to pick it up. The wrapper stuck to each other and basically fused to the bottom of the non layered metal baskets (wax paper ain't that expensive, bro). This was a piss poor display of a Cantonese mainstay. Maybe it was a fluke, so I ordered another one 20 minutes later with the same result. Fail.

(Har Gao - Redux)

A week later, same piss poor results... What is with the upside down shit? I need to see the 9 required pleats on each dump. Christ, is that so much to ask? I've had better ones in the frozen dim sum aisle. I didn't even bother with a pic of the 3 rd visit.

(Lau Bak Go)

Turnip Cake- Looked pretty decent but after a couple of bites into raw turnip pieces, the bitterness basically ruined it. The second time around didn't fare much better. The prepackaged ones from the Asian markets are 10 times better. How? Jesus, help them, please.

(Cheung Fun)

Assortment included shrimp, beef and BBQ pork... This wasn't too bad but the rice noodle were over steamed a bit and turned mushy like the Har Gao. What is it with them about steaming the shit out of these delicate morsels? So pissed.

(Cheung Fun- Redux)

Much improved but still not right... Look closely at the scoring. If they're trying to speed up the cooking process, this is not the right way. Too much moisture gets in the slits and makes the damn thing soggy.

(Spicy Tripe)

Holy shit, this is lame. Paper thin, rubbery and bland. Look around the room, it's like a bunch of camels chewing this thing. They totally rushed this out and left out a few ingredients... Like black beans, chili and something called flavor. This is a time that I wouldn't mind a spoonful or three of umami... That's right, M.S. fucking G. The real tripe dim sum is thick honeycomb tripe and bathe in a delicious spicy brown sauce.

(Tripe- Redux)

Worst than the first time around... Holy moly. What are they smoking and can I get some, STAT. Anything tastes good when you're stoned as a mofo, but this may not be one of them.

(Silken Tofu)

Disgusting. Looks like sperm whale jizz. This is what parents feed to their toddlers when the adults are Yumming Cha.

OK, enough of the bad dim sum... Let's try some classic main dishes.

(Beef Chowfun)

Everyone knows I friggin love this dish with a passion and it's also a test of a competent Cantonese cook. I was so happy when it came out... That is until they put it down in front of me and my jaw dropped. Thin rice noodles and chunks of beef... Not thin slices of beef but chunks of meat like in a Vietnamese Shaking Beef. Did I order the Vietnamese version? No way because I told the waiter in Cantonese what I wanted. Not only did this dish lack any of the classic flavors, the chunks of beef were barely cooked. On the outside it looked fine but the first bite was pure mush and cold inside. So, I spit it out to examine it and it was totally raw inside! Lookie here...

(Shaking beef raw)

Must be the Vietnamese side of the menu... I lurv shaking beef but don't put it in my chowfun. This beef chowfun was easily the worst I have ever had in this town. Disgraceful.

(Eggplant, garlic and pork casserole)

Can it get any worse? Oh, it totally can, it's almost expected... But this dish was the only winner in my entire experience with this place. Came out bubbling hot. The eggplant was spot on, delicate and tender, the bits of pork were sinful, the garlic sauce was a tad sweet and needed more garlic but after the dim sum and chowfun fiasco, who can really complain. This is Bo Bo Garden shining through. Stick with what you know and stop fucking around with the dim sum.

Overall, this place could have potential... The dim sum needs a total renovation because it is a mess. No self-respecting dim sum chef would put this slop out to paying customers. Maybe they thought no one would notice with all the luxurious decor and appointments. Or maybe they just don't care if it was good or not since Atlanta lacks real dim sum, so people would be happy with anything new. But to me, if it's shit, it's shit and I will tell you why it's shit. Non Asians will probably think this place is a Godsend, no I guarantee it, and the Asians who think this is authentic are just plain Jook-sings who grew up eating McDonalds.

Get your shit together Golden House or I'm gonna take another Golden Shower on you next time. Prove me wrong and cook some real Chinese food for crying out loud, we need it here. And take that fucking Vietnamese translation off the menu. Be one thing or the other, not both... Because you just ain't that good.

PF Chang's smirks at you.

Splash.

1.5 Stars.

1600 Pleasant Hill Rd
Duluth, GA 30096
770-921-2228
www.goldenhousega.com

HD1

2011-11-09T08:22:00.000-08:00

We all know the burger craze has exploded all over Atlanta like Jerry Sandusky on a 5th grader. It's like a giant greasy wet dream and there's no end in sight... Well, it's kinda hard to see the end with all these fatties in the way. But can Atlanta handle or even care about a hot dog/sausage craze? I don't think so but let's entertain the thought anyways...

So, the unrelenting trail Blais-er finally won the title of Top Chef All Stars after years of staying on the show until he did. After completing his goal on TC, he jumped on the burger train with Flip. Getting tired of round buns, he shifted his attention to top split buns and tube steaks... And hence Haute Doggery was born. Like in true ADD form, before the doors were even opened to wiener heaven he was focusing on another project, the Spence. So, don't expect to see him cooking here ever but that's another story, we're here for meat shafts and ye shall have meat rods in ye mouths.

This whole concept seemed pretty much thrown together to me. It feels like a pet project that was done just to spread his seed and manhood around, so no one forgets his name when he moves out to Cali (just speculation, wink wink). But anyways, the decor is dark and dreary, it's almost funeral-esque. Is it a speakeasy? Is it a noshery? Is it a bingo hall? I'm just a simple caveman, I don't understand your modern styles and sensibilities. Let me just look at this cave wall and see what's edible.

The ordering operation is a clusterfuck. If you're gonna hire someone to be a hostess/order taker... Make sure she knows how to run the operation up front. Because it seemed like she can't even run a bath. Case in point- On one of my earlier visits, I asked the hostess on duty what beers where available (since there's no beer menu written on the wall but they do have a decent selection of cute suds) and it suddenly turns into an Abbott & Costello routine. So, here's her response:
"What you see on the wall there behind the bar."
Ok, I'll have a Sapporo.
"Oh, we don't have that, it shouldn't be on there."
Why not?
"They were for the opening party or something."
Hmmm. Fine I'll have the blah blah blah beer then.

Not 2 minutes later after grabbing a seat, I see a buddy at the bar drinking a fucking giant can of Sapporo. I asked him where he got that, he said from the bartender. Wha Da Fuk?! That fucking nitwit... So pissed. Mebbe the food will make up for it...

(Fried chicken livers, mustard greens & HD hot sauce)

I love fried livers but is this a joke? It was 90% batter, 10% chopped liver. How do you fuck up fried chicken livers to this degree? And how do you even let it out of the kitchen? They were absolutely dismal. A few stringy pieces that looked and tasted almost like the shit tube you take off the back of a shrimp. It was an insult... And a rip off at $6 for a couple of measly pieces. Mustard greens were ok and hot sauce tasted like rusty pipe water.

(Pig in the Sheets)

Sounded interesting enough... Why not? When it came out, I was like... Hot Pockets! I actually had some that was more exciting than this. The minced pork thinger inside was dry and bland, the pastry tasted like it was cooked the day before and had that old gummy texture to it. The sauces didn't make it any better. A real snoozer.

(Louisiana Lobster Roll, mirliton salad, shrimp head aioli)

As you can guess, it doesn't contain real lobster like Zabar's Lobster Salad, it's all crawfish tails. Surprisingly, this was pretty good. At $10 a pop, it's a fair deal but I wouldn't get it again. The crawfish were nice and tender, no evidence of a shrimp head aioli, the "slaw" was pretty good, it coulda used some more seasoning but you know what, the top split buns made up for it. I really like them a lot. They sourced some great bread here. When it's buttered and toasted, it's like heaven not matter what you put inside... Ok, well, I won't go that far but the buns are killer.

(Chicken Apple Sausage, herbed creme fraiche, walnuts, sour grape relish)

A sausage is not a sausage if it has anything else besides meat. Poultry or anything with wings do not qualify as sausage. It's the same concept as a vegetarian burger, it is not a burger, it's a patty of crap not even my dog would eat. The chicken log had no flavor, you taste more walnuts than anything else... But the bun! The bun was excellent.

(Beef Pastrami Dog, ox tongue & tripe hash, rusky dressing)

You would think this would be a flavor explosion in your mouth but all you can taste is salt. It was salty as hell. The tongue and tripe hash did nothing for this dog. What the hell is a rusky dressing? Russian dressing? Like in a Big Mac? I don't get it. But that buttered and toasted top split bun, man, was it good.

(Eastbound and Down, house frank, Carolina pulled pork, sweet mustard slaw, mop sauce)

First bite, that overly salty pulled pork was all you can taste. Push it off the dog and it wasn't half bad... Might as well just got the plain classic house dog. Guess what the best part of this dog was? Yeah, the fucking top split bun.

(Irish Bangers & Mash with Onion Gravy)

A very mediocre display... mash was barely warm and pretty dry. Needed more salt and a cup of butter. The banger (singular) was also barely heated through and really nothing noteworthy in taste. Onion gravy tasted like it came from a packet. Sounded good on paper but so did the Communist Manifesto.

All these fancy toppings and names on the menu is just for show. With so much stuff on top, all the different types of dogs all kinda tasted the same after awhile... Some were bland and others way over the top salty. The plain house frank is prolly the best bet because you can actually taste the wiener. One thing that made me laugh was how they were grilling the dogs... They shoved a thermometer up the wiener's butt while it was on the grill cooking. Talk about fuzzy internal temp. No wonder why every single dog I had was luke warm at best. I also sampled the Red Haute Dog and the Chicken Wing Confit with Lemon Curd & Szechuan Pepper... Nothing really stuck out to me in flavor or taste.

The menu read well but the product and execution was nothing more than any other local bar has to offer except for higher prices. If I'm paying more for better ingredients, I would actually like to taste a difference. Would I come back in the future? I don't think I can handle another disappointment. As with all celebrity gimmicks, they wear thin after awhile.

PS- I know where they source their top split buns... No need to come back here. And no, it ain't H&F.

1 Star.

664 North Highland Ave
Atlanta, GA 30306
(404) 815-1127
www.hd1restaurant.com/

World's Best Wonton Noodle Soup

2011-11-07T18:59:00.000-08:00

I was on a quest. On a quest for one of the world's most beloved comfort foods. Well, at least in my fucked up world... The infamous bowl of Wonton Noodle Soup. Everyone has had it one time or another in their measly life but you haven't really had it unless you had it in Hong Kong, the home of dim sum and wonton noodle soup (and many other dericious fucked up shit). You may think you have slurped noodles outta some great bowls stateside but those bowls are so far off the mark it's embarrassing, even to an Eskimo... Unless, you compared them to the porcelain bowl, well, then you're spot on. Ok, it ain't that bad but still. Just don't forget to put the seat down when you're done. So, I hopped on the next plane for my motherland, Hong Kong.

There are billions of wonton noodle shops in Hong Kong, I think the ratio is 2 shops to every 1 person... But what do I know, Asians are notoriously bad at math, so that number might be a little fuzzy. But one thing is for sure, we're good at eating... Oh, and birthing. Last count, I think we're up to like 9.8 billion. That's a lot of pumping and squirting.

Alright, let's get off that topic, all that talk about afterbirth is making me hungry... So, basically, there's 3 components to this national treasure. Simple enough right? Eeeeh, wrong. These are 3 of the hardest things on Earth to get right but when it's right, there will be a wonderful explosion in your mouth and in my pants.
1) The Noodle- As a rule of thumb, the noodles must be handmade with 2 different types of flour and duck eggs. The technique is key here, whether it's machine aided or the rarely used bamboo pressed.
2) The Broth- Should be made with dried shrimp roe, powdered dried flounder and pork bones and simmered continuously for weeks... Ok, mebbe just hours.
3) The Wonton- Should be mostly shrimp and little pork (if any) in a paper thin wrapper made from the same dough as the noodle.

Fuck, this is making me hungry and I just drooled on my shirt like a downie. Let's just get to it...

After I got off the plane, I made a bee line for one of the handful of noodle shops in the HK airport. Believe or not, airports around the globe have some world class nosheries, unlike our shitty fast food encrusted airports. Even the Popeyes in the HK airport kicked ass with all different types of food unavailable here... I don't know what kinda chicken they used but that shit was divine. Better than the one on Ponce. But that's another story.

For an airport joint, it wasn't half bad... The noodles were a lil over cooked, the broth tasted like a mix of instant soup base and chicken broth, but the wonton were pretty good with mostly shrimp inside. Hey, anything is better than 20 hrs of airplane slop, but the free beer made it a little better.

Standard mom & pop noodle shop...

Some little family run noodle shop in Kowloon between Mong Kok and Yau Ma Tei.

Always a good sign when they're making the wonton fresh in the middle of the resto.

For HK$15, this was a steal on a very decent bowl of WNS. That's about $2 with tip here. How can you go wrong with this? Fat plump shrimp wontons, thin al dente egg noodles and a fragrant broth. It worked for me... But was this a contender for the world's best? Nah... I was just really fucking hungry from walking around and anything taste good when you're famished.

Bamboo pressed noodles...

There are only a handful of restos that still practice this tradition of making noodles. These guys are the last of the Masters of Noodle. They ride that pole like there's no tomorrow (see pic, I'm getting a blood flow). Kids these days only care about McDonalds and other processed fried shit. They don't care about this great tradition and the time it takes to master bamboo pressed noodles. If you have a chance to taste this tradition, do it before it disappears forever. It's an amazing difference from that prepackaged crap you buy in the markets.

And again, another great sign that you'll be eating fresh handmade wontons.

The noodles were spot on, springy and has that "crunch" to it when you bite into. Let me tell ya, it is heaven. The wontons didn't disappoint either. Thinly wrapped and a 50/50 mixture of shrimp and pork. But the broth didn't match the other two components. While it was good, it needed that extra kick in the ass of that 5th taste called umami.

Same thing as the WNS above but slices of pork liver instead of wontons. The pork liver was pretty tasty but a little on the tough side. Great pork liver should be sliced and blanched to order to retain its tenderness, even a bit on the rare side. Both were satisfying but I wouldn't put them up for top spot.

Haiphong Road Under the Bridge Open Market...

Looks like an innocent dumpy flower stand but walk further inside and behind a make shift burlap/canvas sack for a door hides a super secret den of street food or under the bridge grub. You will not find a single tourist here because it's scary as shit. The Gwai-lo's have all seen the Golden Child and they know that the dragon lady is real and deadly.

Ahhh... I'm home! Look at this place, it is awesome. The regulars and locals come here for real authentic street grub. You can find it all here, whatever you want, you got it... Beef, pork, lamb, chicken, fish, seafood, noodles, rice, stews, soups, abalone, razor clams, pissing prawns, crabs, STDs, brains, balls, uterus, deer penis, antlers, birds nest, tongue, intestines, colon, toes, eyelids and Jell-O. C'mon, there's always room for Jell-O. There's a lot of screaming and yelling to get your business, so just take your time and look at what people are eating at their tables. Me... I was on a mission for one thing only. PS- the dragon lady is on the lower right corner, don't be deceived by her friendly smile. She can kill with one lashing of her scaly tail. You are warned.

Since, I had two bowls of WNS back to back already, I had enough pouch space for one more until lunch. Every stall had this dish on their menu, you can not not have this on your menu because the atmosphere here is so fierce. And everyone loves WNS, so, I used my nose and sniff this place out. It took a few minutes to get out but that's a good sign that everything was not precooked, assembled and reheated within a minute. It was nice and hot when it came out. First inspection, the wontons looked good, the noodle a little limp, the aroma of the broth smelled suspect but I wasn't surprised since its fast street grub. Wontons were nice and flavorful, the noodles were over cooked a bit and the broth was as expected... Just a medium to keep the other two elements hot and juicy. It wasn't bad and it did the trick but not a contender.

Alrighty, enough of the amateurs, time for the main event.

Mak's Noodle Ltd...

Mak's Noodle... Widely acclaimed as the best bowl of WNS in Hong Kong. I have eaten here multiple times throughout the last few years. Will it be the same excellent quality I have had in the past? This place is no frills and the all male staff seem like they have been working there since they were 5 years old. This place means serious fucking bidness.

Holy fuck rod, they raised the prices to HK$30!!! WTF, yo?! I know, right? It's like $3.80 now vs. $3.25 a year ago... But it's still the most expensive bowl of WNS in all of Hong Kong.

Mak's knows how to do it right. It's almost the perfect bowl of WNS. Except they are like half the size of everyone else and twice as much. Why, you ask? They say using the smaller bowl with less broth prevents the handmade noodles from absorbing too much liquid and getting soft and soggy. Well, someone tell that to the old man in the corner trying to hit on the young chippies because he looks like he ate one too many bowls.

First, the noodles... Springy, firm and has that all important "crunch" to it. Just perfect. The wontons... Fat, plump and juicy with basically all shrimp inside. One bite and you just know it. The broth... Clear, full of flavor and so clean you can taste all the different components put into making the broth. One word: Fuck you, its good. Totally worth the price increase.

They have a couple other locations but this one is at the top of Victoria's Peak. It's like having Godly noodles high up in heaven.

Tsim Chai Kee...

Literally, across the street from Mak's is their toughest competitor. It's prettier than Mak's but how's the quality... Is it a top spot contender?

The bowls are about twice the size of Mak's and a third less at HK$19. It's a total value, bang for your buck kinda deal. The wontons were spot on, a little larger than Mak's but the taste was just shy of Mak's. The noodles were a tad soggy but still had great flavor. The broth was good as well but also missing that last bit of umami. Don't get me wrong this is right behind Mak's and being runner up is not a bad thing. I'll take this bowl over any in the states whether it's in NYC or San Fran. So good, it could make me soil my underpants. Who does number 2 work for? You know who.

And there you have it... Mak's is still the King of Wonton Noodle Soup in the entire the World. You better fucking kneel before Mak... And start servicing his noodle and wontons.

Pump

Pump

Squirt

5 Stars.
Mak's Noodle Ltd.
77 Wellington Street
Central, Hong Kong

4.5 Stars.
Tsim Chai Kee
98 Wellington Street
Central, Hong Kong

Ippudo HK

2011-11-01T19:39:00.000-07:00

After eating dish after dish of amazing Cantonese specialties in every area of Hong Kong (from Kowloon to Hong Kong island to Lamma Island), I felt the craving for some good ramen. So, after a quick decision for a spot on/can't miss bowl of tonkotsu ramen and other tasty bites... The name, Ippudo, came up because their reputation would not disappoint.

(Weee Weeee!)

(Those Japs and their comic walls...)

(So many Orientals...)

Ok, I'm fucking starving... So, in the words or Bruce Dickinson, less talk, more cowbells...

(Tools... Not the douchey kind)

(IPPUDO BBQ Pork Bun)

(Spicy Tofu and Minced Pork in Stone Hot Pot)

(Crispy Chicken with Sweet or Spicy Sauce)

(Codfish with Saikyo Miso Sauce)

(BBQ Pork Slices Served on Hot Plate)

(Beef Tataki)

(Potato Salad)

(Vegetable Root Chips)

(Chicken Wings with Cod Roe)

(Shiromaru Motoaji)

(Akamaru Shinaji)

(Extra Pork and Roe)

Was that not a fucking feast for an Emperor? Everything was good and it hit the spot. Can't wait for lunch...

4 Stars.

Shop 210, 2/F, Silvercord, 30 Canton Rd.,
Tsim Sha Tsui, 2957 8893
Daily 11.30am-11pm
www.ippudo.com.hk.

H. Harper Station

2011-10-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

When this old train station was reported to become a restaurant/bar called The Depot back in the beginning of 2008, people seemed pretty stoked about it... But the location sucked ass. It felt like it was in no man's land. It stood there alone like a red-headed stepchild being punished for putting chocolate pudding in his sister's underpants. Soon, this problem child was sent away to boarding school. The food and service at The Depot was mediocre at best, that was prolly their kiss of death. I still remember the cast iron pan that the "seafood pan roast" was served in still had the sticker on the bottom. They didn't even cook it in it, simply poured into the stone cold cast iron pan.

But fast forward a couple years later and H. Harper Station was born... Have they over come the curse of the Depot? Yes. No. Maybe. They're usually pretty slow all week long but with the help of Scoutmob, they saw an infusion of brisk business for the week but it seemed short lived at best. Here's a couple quick take aways and observations on why they may kick the can if they do not turn their business model around...

First, the valet... The fucking valet. Hate to break it to you but it's a bar first and then a restaurant and you're in Reynoldstown. Fucking Reynoldstown, not Buckhead. When did fucking hipsters use valet? What dumb fuck thought of this great idea... And don't give me that "it's for the safety of our patrons" sham. These two valets couldn't rescue a kitten from a cardboard box. Hey, I heard Clermont Lounge is getting valet, too...

Second, the host stand... How many hostesses do they need at that tiny podium? They were like two chickens with their heads cut off. The number one thing you do as a host when a customer comes in is to GREET them, not walk away. I stood there for a good 5 minutes before any acknowledgment. Oh, I'm sorry, did I forget to take off my cape of invisibility? Bollocks.

Eh, let's just forget about all that shit and get to the meat and potatoes...

Chicken Livers - These little fried beauties were a Godsend after my last absolutely dismal memory of the fried chicken livers at HD1. These were chunky pieces of liver with a nice crispy crust. The cheap Crystal hot sauce does no justice for them, use Frank's at least. The blue cheese dressing was just plain awful, tasteless and bland. But with livers this tasty who needs that other shit.

Sapelo Island Clams - Pleasant surprise with this dish, the clams were good size and not rubbery. The broth was neither spicy nor cidery. The charred corn were not. The octopus was a nice added touch. With a some tweaking this could be a keeper.

Bacon & Egg Fettucini - A carbonara wannabe. Pasta was a bit undercooked but I liked the effort with the semi fresh noodle. The dish needed seasoning but overall a decent dish but yet not really that exciting.

The Beltline Burger - The Painted Hills Pasture beef was cooked medium as a house rule. Why even boast about where the fuck it came from when you can't even cook it to temp. With that quality of beef there's no other way to cook it than medium rare/rare. It's almost a disgrace... But overall the burger was acceptable with a pink center. The frozen brown bag tater tots were dismal... This isn't the Nook is it?

The service was friendly and attentive once you finally get seated but drinks and food take awhile to get out. The bartenders are talented but watching them work is like watching a round of musical chairs. They were all over the place, back and forth. Here's an idea, set up a couple barkeep stations on either end so no one is stepping on each others feet. The kitchen is on the right track but still got a long ways to go. They need to taste, taste and taste. With a fancy valet program out front, you would expect more from a bar.

2 Stars.

904 Memorial Drive Southeast
Atlanta, GA 30316

(678) 732-0415

http://www.hharperstation.com/

Pho 24 (Norcross)

2011-10-11T21:25:00.000-07:00

The Pho scene in Atlanta was scarce once but now it can be had all over Buford Highway or anywhere that the Orientals habitat. People always ask me who has the best Pho and since I'm part of the tribe, I usually tell them they're all about the same pretty much nowadays. There's a couple that may still be a little bit better but the consistency is... Well, not consistent. But who gives a shit... Pho is hangover grub. And we all know that when you're hungover as fuck, taste and complexity of the flavors of the broth is not first on your agenda. Filling that drunk ass gut of yours is.

So, this is the second location of the Pho 24 on Buford Hwy that took over the short lived Cao Dao spot (which also entertained Bamboo Grill and Hot Pot, Pho Pasteur, Pho Tan Tan, et al). That space has been the kiss of death for Pho restos and Pho 24 may be it's next victim since their food was nothing to write home about. But how is this location in Norcross doing? Let's take a bite shall we?

Banh Mi (Grilled Pork) - The grilled pork had a funky look to it, not the standard issued one we're all used to. It was too moist, no evidence that it was grilled. The bread was a little too hard like it was a couple days old. The Do Chua- pickled carrots/daikon needed a little more kick, they were bland. And they left out the jalapenos... WTF! Not that it woulda helped much. If you're still fucked up, it'll do.

Pho (Dac Biet) - One look at the broth and it was suspect. One taste of the broth and suspicions confirmed. Not as instant as So Ba but tasted like a mix of home brewed and cubed. It didn't have that stickiness to it that only the collagen from the oxtails can provide. A middling example of the standard ATL Pho but it'll hit the spot for the FUBAR'd. They do give you a hefty portion of meat though.

Cha Gio - Crispy and hot. Nothing better than fresh outta da fryer. The filler was passable.

Hu Tiu Ap Chao - I don't even know if this is a real dish but supposedly, the owner/chef's fav... Pan fried noodles cut up in wedges like a pizza and a bunch of crap dumped in the middle. You got squid, beef, shrimp, veggies and chicken (menu said pork but who's gonna know) like in a bad American-Chino Happy Family combo meal. It was amateurish at best... But a drunkard's best friend.

The service was sporadic and the language barrier could be a problem for some... But if you speak drunkenese and point your dirty nose picking fingaz at the pics, it's all good. This place ain't gonna win any awards but for cheap, fill yer belly grub... It'll do its biznaz and then you can do yours in their bathroom.

Splash.

1 Star.

1210 Rockbridge Road

Atlanta, GA 30093

(678) 380-1550
http://www.pho24atlanta.com/

Cibo E Beve

2011-10-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

Looks like the new trend (well, revisited trend again and again) is Italian-inspired this and that in the Detroit of the South. I mean, hell, even Sioux City, Iowa became a real city when they got their first taste of a Tuscany Inspired Italian restaurant... The Olive Garden. But anyways, Italian cuisine from cardboard pizza to spaghetti with jar sauces is usually pretty lame across the nation. Too many chains and franchises created the universal image of what Italian food should be (creamy, saucy, heavy and salty)... Just like how PF Chang's and Panda Express has fucked Chinese food up the ass with their shit. That's just wrong, even if we're so close to Pride weekend. But nevermind all that... I'm not here to kiss ass or whatever you guys do with it, my Engrish is not that good. I'm here to eat some decent interpretations of Eyetalian grubbery...

So, the people from Food 101 from the other end of this strip mall came up with this cozy "eataly" idea anchoring on the other end. Let me tell ya, thank God that Crown & Anchor shithole is gone... It was absolutely dismal, makes you wanna slit your wrists the hard way, with a Norelco electric razor.

Ok, back to this joint...

(Roasted Oysters “casino style”)

Look at all the purdy rocks and pebbles on the plate... Too bad the oysters were basically non-existent as were the flavors except for the bits of Bac~O's. Less than half a bite each. Worth $10? Not by a long shot. Skip this and go for the ubiquitous fried calamari instead. I can't believe I just said to get the calamari.

(Hamachi Crudo Salmoriglio)

Ah, something worth eating... Nice presentation but maybe a little too much of the EVOO and red caper concoction thingy on top. A little goes a long way. You don't want to drown that fish in all that funk, I would like to taste the fish flesh, yes? Us, men take so much risk when we eat out raw fish.

(Cibo Meatballs)

Lookie here... 3 lovely meat mounds! Kinda reminds me of that freaky broad on Mars in Total Recall. Nevermind. I tell ya what, that lame duck single meatball at No. 246 can't hold a candle to these beauties. Sauce is more consistent and not watery, the meatball is not dry and it actually tastes Italian. Definitely, a good choice for a starter to share. Use the bread on the table to sop up that sauce. Go.

(Lamb Belly, Anson Mills Polenta)

This could be a meal in itself... The lamb belly had crispy edges and was juicy tender in all the right places inside. Polenta is polenta, but coulda used a little splash of stock to even it out a bit, tis was a little dry. The belly was the star in this dish clearly. Nice flavor. Get it.

(Margherita)

So, the guy making the 'ZA (can't say if he was a pizzaiolo or not) looked pretty familiar. A little birdy told me he started at Varasano's then Double D's... Oops, I meant Double Zero. But anyways, the end product was literally a marriage between the two places. Crackerly crust (read: kinda dry and crispy), passable char, borderline bland sauce, and decent bufala. Not a contender with the handful of other true Napolentana 'ZA's but for the standard issued house frowl and 2.5 kids in tow, it'll do. Definitely, a been there, done that kinda 'ZA. Mebbe, one more shot...

(Risotto ai Funghi)

Not a bad risotto and not the best risotto, a very acceptable version. It lacked the flavor and aroma that the funghi usually brings to this dish. It needed to be more earthy and... wait for it... toothy. Stick to the pastas, they're a better bet.

(Lobster Spaghetti)

The much admired, lobster spaghetti! Was it as good as a threesome? Fuck no! But it was a nice foreplay dish. The pasta was obviously from a box, I couldn't tell if it was al dente or just under cooked pasta. But it did it's job on the dish. The few bites of lobster were skimpy but what do you expect? It ain't a lobster roll. Mmm, lobster roll... Ok, I'm awake. A pretty simple dish anyone college student could make in their dorm room. Not that it was bad, it was pretty satisfying.

(Bucatini)

Looks so Goddamn boring and depwessing... Buca who? Just give me a mar-tini, instead. No no, I'm just playing. It was a totally acceptable dish... If you had a choice between Chef Boyardee and this. Once again, I kid, I kid. There was suppose to be pancetta in there somewhere... Oh, there it is, pushed all the way down at the bottom and hidden from plain view, it's shy. Who doesn't like to hide the prized cured meat under a pile of orange stringy thingers. It needed something else to bring it on the table, mebbe like more texture in the sauce. Don't forget to ask for some basil on the side. Gives it color and brought out the flavor in this otherwise plain Jane dish... Made all the difference in the Sandy Springs area.

(Osso Buco D'agnello All'estate)

The best dish of the night saved for the last... It was spot on and had terrific flavor. I just kept picking at it like pigeons in Central Park... No wonder why I'm so fat. You ever see those pigeons in CP? They are fat as a muthafuck! Order this dish... You will lurv it, even if you're a veghead. Stop whining like a bitch and put it in your mouth.

(Red Velvet Zeppole)

Who doesn't like deep fried balls? Nice little presentation... And that's about it. Kinda like those plastic food dishes in the window of restos in Little Italy. These balls were way undercooked, it was doughy inside like Play-Doh. I pulled out a piece for the server to examine. Even he said "I'm no cook but it shouldn't be able to lift images off the funny pages." Ok ok, he didn't say that, I just made that shit up. But that shit was a great idea on paper... Get it? Boomcha. If you have to order these because of a triple dog dare, make sure you verbalize to the server to make sure they get cooked properly. BTW- the petri dish of what looks like Duke's 3 day old junk, turned out to be mascarpone cheez to dip your balls in it.

(Cannoli)

Mini cannoli... Shell by Sysco out front, filling by Sanchez in back. I kid, i kid, once again... They were alright. Ferrara's have nothing to worry about.

Overall, this place is very nice (decor, drinks, food were well thought out)... The cocktail list and talent behind the bar was good. My Sazerac, Biddy, and Old Fashioned all came out properly made. The only gripe I have was the ice block, great idea for chipping your own ice cube thingers but for my liver's sake... Put a barrier in front of the ice block. This nasty old sabertooth and her wooly mammoth friend were breathing and spitting all over it.

The service was attentive and pleasurable. The number of menu items is perfect for the size of this place... But the execution needs a little more work. It's the attention to details that make it taste over the top. Right now, it's just staying afloat. Which is not a bad thing... But this place can be so much more. With that said, I still like it a lot as a whole and will go back.

Burp.

3 Stars.

4969 Roswell Rd
Atlanta, GA 30342

(404) 250-8988

www.CiboAtlanta.com

Sapori di Napoli - Updated

2011-09-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

Update:

So, I went back to try a couple more things... Well, the important things. Another 'ZA and the only available at lunch Panini's. Take a peek, peeps...

(STG, #05)

Consistency is still somewhat of an issue, along with ticket order... The last order that went to the window was somehow pushed to the front. Nothing pisses people off than waiting 45 minutes for their pie while watching the last table get their pie within 10 minutes. Forgetting the panini order is also pretty much unacceptable. Okay, okay... Nevermind that bullshit, what about the fucking 'ZA, right? Well, the STG (San Marzano, smoked bufala, speck and shrooms) was still pretty darn good. The crust was a bit pale, another 30-45 seconds coulda made the difference, I didn't notice any of the pies get the lift to the top of the dome either for those last crucial seconds of evaporating the excess liquid. But overall, it was still a good tasting pie... I seriously hope they are aware of the current status of the product and tweaking is still in order. It's getting there, though.

(Piccante Panini)

Available only during lunch (11am-3pm) are the paninis'... 5 different ones in total. The Piccante looked pretty good with smoked mozza, spicy salame and roasted pepper. The bread is made from the pizza dough... Pretty cool, but how does it taste? It was a bit dry and over cooked. It wasn't bad but I don't think I would risk it again for a pressed sandwich.

Overall, SDN is still getting their footing but all the right signs are there for a great Napoletana pie. Another couple of months is still needed like I said in the beginning but I would totally go back in between those couple of months.

Still 3.5 Stars.
_________________________________

Why even bother with the sub-par 'ZA at No. 246 when this joint is right around the corner with a real life trained pizzaiolo from Naples at the helm? This place is a no frills Napoletana pizzeria (which it should be, focus is on food not decor) with an Acunto oven as the center piece. So, what's that make it, now? 4 Acunto ovens in Atlanta? Fuck yeah!

Walking around the joint and looking for the tell tale signs of quality ingredients is always on my radar. First things' first... Da oven.

(Acunto Oven)

Simple and effective. The construction is well insulated to retain as much constant and stable heat as possible. This is key to a great pie... Well, there's a couple of different kinds of edible pie but let's stick with the 'ZA kind.

(Antimo Caputo "00" Flour)

The right way to start a proper Napoletana pie... Da "00" Caputo high protein flour. You can see and taste the difference between "00" and AP... It's obvious as the difference between my marsupial pouch and a kangaroo's. I can fit a Joey and a couple Margheritas in mine. Git in mah belly!

(La Fiammante Pa' Pizza crushed tomatoes)

Cans of this stuff were scattered all over the place. This is a good all around canned crushed tomato for regular 'ZA's and pasta dishes but I was looking for the elusive San Marzano tomatoes that is listed on menu for all their pizzas. San Marzano is required for true Napoletana 'ZA's. No exceptions. Period. Later, I find out that they keep the San Marzano tomatoes in the back. Hey, I would, too, that shit is expensive. I tried to sneak back there but Ambrogio Florio had the 1000 yard stare on me. I'm gonna give you to the count of 10, to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property! Not really, but it felt like it. Haha!

(Pizze Napoletana, #07)

Can you believe this shit? I didn't order the classic Margherita! This is the Napoletana which is San Marzano tomato, anchovies, bufala, black olives. It's a good looking pie, real nice... Just look at the cornicione! For a split second, I wanted to take this sexy piece of pie in the alley and do some outlandish shit to it. Mighta been because of the smell of the anchovies. I know you want to smell my fingaz afterwards. Go ahead, knock yourself out. But remember, you can pick your fwendz and you can pick yer nose... Eh, nevermind.

(Look at the char on the cornicione)

So, how was it, you're prolly wondering... It was good, real good... But it needed a little tweaking to make it a great Napoletana pie. It was the little attention to details... Like consistent placement of the bufala, some areas had no cheese on it. You don't want to over load it with cheese but every slice should have some on it. The sauce was good but needed a little more kick to it. The crust was pretty on point (may need a tad more moisture), the char was spot on, over (lip of crust) and under (upskirt). The anchovies gave it that hint of saltiness to it and that's a good thing. The black olives (seems to be from the standard dusty old can) didn't do much for it, maybe if they used fresher olive?

Overall, it is the closest contender to Antico... With Fritti coming in third and Double Zero fourth. By month end, I will (have to) try to eat every pizze, maybe even a pizze bianco or two thrown in for good measure. The pasta dishes are prolly pretty good, too, but I'll get to that later. Lunch specials consists of paninis which looked interesting as well... But you come here for one thing really, the 'ZA.

This joint is not getting the hype it should be... Prolly because the sheep are still jerking off all over No. 246, whom's pizza is not even worth mentioning (I think they put the pizza on the menu last minute just to satisfy that void from Flour+Water's repertoire). I think in a month or two, after proper breaking in of the oven and a little adjustment to the sauce and dough, SDN will be pumping out consistently good 'ZA's day in and day out. No. 246 will be No. 86'd... Next!

Pump.

Pump.

Squirt.

PS- The Peroni umbrellas outside gave me false hope for a nice birra to go with da pie... But the 'ZA more than makes up for it.

3.5 Stars.

314 Church St
Decatur, GA 30030
(404) 371-0001

www.saporidinapolipizzeria.com/

Tsunami Taqueria

2011-09-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

Can you believe this shit? More Goddamn Corean tacos... Stop the madness! First, you had Hankook Taqueria in that God forsaken desolate warehouse area on DeFoors which was basically created for college students and their limited F-U money budget. Then came Yumbii Korean Taco Truck spewing their funk on to the streets (well, designated private event property areas). Then, came OMG Taco in L5P which was basically created for all the dirty homeless hippie creastures that lurk in the crevices between the uprooted sidewalks. And now comes this specimen that took over the former Toulouse space. Toulouse was horrid and thanks to that piss boy, Gérard Depardieu, they finally closed after all these years, it was an insult to French cuisine. That strawberry shake thinger in a beer mug still gives me nightmares, like Strawberry Shortcake on smack.

So, how is this new Asian Latin Frankenfusion joint with the stupid name? Mixed feelings...

It had the look and feel of a college hangout... Mebbe it was because of the collegiate staff. Talk about wet behind the ears. They were not very well trained on the menu nor the bar. I see a decent home bar quality of booze, so I asked the bartender for a simple Sazerac. Her response (mind you, she's a self-proclaimed bartender), "I have no idea what that is, sorry..." Listen, Wonderbra, I was asking you for a drink, not what your name was. She said the bar manager can prolly help me, turns out the bar manager was as stumped as the bartender was. But she did say that she could make a mean Margarita, though... Hey, you gotta give credit to where credit is due. It fucking baffles the mind, even for a 5th grader. This is a story for the ages, I tells ya. Seems like the only capable thing the bar manager could handle was counting the beer inventory which she seem to spend most of her time. The incompetence level here is uncanny. Let's hope the food is much better.

There's a good bit of stuff on this menu but the more you read it, the more it sounds like the same shit with a different name. I look up towards the kitchen and see one of the fat cooks with headphones on practicing some form of popping and locking. Either he was choking and trying to signal for the Heimlich maneuver or this is the only black guy in Atlanta without rhythm. This is not a good sign. But the Tsunami Trio (2 tacos and 1 side) sounded like a good deal to sample a few main attractions. Here goes nothing and everything...

(Guacamole Fresco - Made to order guacamole with tomatoes, onions and fresh cilantro served with tortilla chips)

For the price, this was a huge heaping of guac. No doubt about it, tis was a good deal. The chunky avocado tasted freshly prepared but it had zero seasoning. It was this giant green ball of the blandlands, I had tennis balls with more flavor... The Penn balls are so choice. The lack of seasoning is an easy fix.

Asada Zing Taco- Bulgogi (Korean) marinated steak topped with shitake mushrooms, lettuce and soy-sesame vinaigrette. Nicely grilled "flour" tortillas, don't know if that's a plus or minus. The giant mount of shredded lettuce covered the entire taco, you don't know what you're eating and by then it's too late.

BBQ Short Rib- Short ribs smothered in Kogi BBQ and topped with cucumber salad. I don't know if you can call that a cucumber salad based on 4 thinly sliced cucumbers that were undressed. Short rib? You sure? Looks like it came from a can... On the same level like that burger in a can.

Roasted Corn- Canned corn, not a hint of roasted like quality, maybe it was roasted inside the can for your convenience. This fiasco tasted like college all over again.

Pacific Rim Taco- Grilled chili crusted Mahi topped with lettuce, pico de gallo and hoisen lime aioli. This Fish Called Wonder was truly a wonder, it had so much greens on it you couldn't tell if it was a Mahi Mahi or Crappie Crappie... I guess I'll find out soon. Splash.

Rising Sun Taco- Vietnamese style pork topped with Asian slaw and cilantro. Isn't the Rising Sun the symbol of the Japanese flag? Where did they come up with this quasi Vietnamese banh mi thinger from? Hold on, I got one, the Eskimo Kiss Taco... It's like Paella in a tortilla. Anyways, the chunks of pork were dried out.

Yucca Fries- It's too big... That's what the waitress said. Semi crispy outside and under-cooked inside. Nothing like cold crunchy in the center Yucca fwies. Yucca shove these sticks where the Rising Sun don't shine, pal.

Would I come back here? Maybe... And that's a big maybe. If they learn how to make more than one drink (margarita) and have meat choices that doesn't all taste the same and discernible only by looking at the menu. Maybe. This place is great for a cheap date for college kids or cheap charlies but sometimes you get what you pay for. Better yet, this place would be great for the late night booze filled crowd. You hear that TT? Change your hours to 9pm-5am. There, I just saved your biznaz. Suckaz.

1 Star.

2293 Peachtree Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 963-5049
http://www.taqueriatsunami.com/

Maki Fresh

2011-09-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

This location has gone from bad to really fucking rank. Boneheads and their Piri Piri slop was barely edible, talk about adventurous eating... It's like Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon. But this freshly minted joint gives a whole new understanding to food mockery. When you think of the best sushi in Atlanta, Ru San's, comes to mind... It's the best in Oral Pleasures. But forget all that you know that's reader's choice. There's a new champion in town for that title. What is casual Japanese dining? Is that like casual sex? But like in casual sex there are things that you just shouldn't put your mouth around or near, ever. Case in point...

All the freebies in the world for rave reviews isn't gonna change some nitwit with a half of a tongue's opinion about the culinary prowess of this menu. If this is your idea for a cheap PR gimmick, you might as well have spent that money you blew on food cost on some decent trim from the back pages of the Creative Loafing. Let's take a lookie here at this other type of dead fish...

(Kokoyashi - Ahi tuna, coconut, cucumber, scallions, lite coconut lime dressing)

Christ, what in your father's name is that? Looks like a sperm whale jacked off in it. Gives the word, smegma, a whole new meaning. Tuna was previously frozen like a caveman and defrosted... It had all the tell tale signs. No better way to mask it than cover it in jizzlobbery and call it a dressing. Wait, who fucking dresses raw tuna? It was like looking down into a public toilet. I just threw up a little in my mouth. Oh, the wakame seaweed salad was the only decent thing... Since, they didn't make it.

(Curly Q "A Maki Signature Roll" - Eel, avocado, cucumber, topped with spicy tuna)

Curly Q? Truly, aptly named... But the curlies I'm thinking about belongs downtown. Wait, so does this thing... Downtown at the Pine Street soup kitchen. This is just a frightening visual, who in their right mind would even dare to attempt to eat this unless you actually watched the Mexican't behind the cutting board make this out of discernible ingredients. Even, Steve-O involuntarily pukes at the sight of this... But he'll snort the shit outta da wasabi like there's no tomorrow.

The most disturbing thing I saw was the Tokyo Bowl aka not fried rice... So, this mook proceeds to make this wannabe fried rice thinger. Rice straight from the rice cooker and other pre-cooked ingredients go into a giant mixing bowl and gently tossed like he was in a closet Han Solo, then scraped into a serving bowl. WTF is that? That is not cooking. It's a travesty to all things living with a decent palate. Another big no no was cooking raw chicken and salmon on the same grill right next to each other... Salmonella is not a dish, douche bags.

This place has abortion written all over it. But the touch screen Coke machine was pretty rad. Just put this thing outside the store and close this dump and save the rent money... You'll make more with the soda machine alone. As for the menu... Anyone who is dumb enough to fall for this slop as "sushi/Japanese cuisine" deserves to eat this. Atlanta gets what Atlanta deserves.

Absolute garbage... And that's where it went. Publix grab-n-go sushi laughs at them.

Flush.

PS- The open kitchen was a bad move, dude. Just sayin'.

0 Star.

2349 Peachtree Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30305
404-869-6600
http://makifresh.com/

No. 246

2011-09-18T19:20:00.001-07:00

It's no secwet that restaurants "borrow" ideas from other restaurants. This has been going on since the dawn of the ubiquitous fried calamari on every cheesy Italian and gastropub menu. One restaurant that has been consistently ripped off over and over again is the wildly popular In-N-Out Burger in California... Yeah, yeah, I know it's not a real restaurant but my point is that people sell what works and there's the blatant cases like Fast-N-Fresh in NYC, Grab-N-Go in Maryland and Express Burger in Idaho that literally copy everything from the decor to the menu and pass it off as their own. Sometimes it works but most of the time it pales in comparison. I know what you're saying... What da fuck does this have to do with anything at No. 246? Well, everything...

Anyone who has been to the Mission district of San Francisco will think they have just walked in to Flour+Water but only you're in Atlanta. Everything here looks and feels eerily like it, but only bigger. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, especially, the menu... The pasta and 'ZA section is even titled "Flour & Water" for crying out loud. Ballsy, dude. Some pasta dishes that garnered acclaim at a NYC resto or two even made it on here. Holy moly, Michael White! Don't get me wrong, I like the look of the place. The space was built out handsomely unlike that previous Asian fusion dumpola. The place looks lovely and all that shit but I still can't get past the whole identity borrowing. Now, only if they could duplicate the taste. Speaking of which...

(Fried padron peppers, lemon, sea salt)

Deep frying these peppers naked is a bust... It turned it into tasteless baby food. On closer inspection they kinda look like an 60 year old man's ball sack... All shriveled up and wrinkly, dripping with funky liquid down it's legs. When you bite into them there's no pop... Just mushy, bland and oily. They should just roast them in the wood fire oven. Duh.

(No. 246 meatball, san marzano, basil, parmesan)

Ahhh, the 5 dolla meatball... Too bad it didn't make me holla. Not really my kinda ball of meat because it was a bit grainy, dry and lacked the classic meatball flava like how an Italian grandma makes them. The watery San Marzano sauce looked like the drippings from the bottom of the can they came in. In the beginning it was just a ball on a plate, but at least now, they've dressed it up to justify the $5 price tag for 20 cents worth of meatdust. Been there, done that. Never again.

(House-made ricotta, preserved wild mushrooms, parsley, lemon
pork rillette, grain mustard, parsley
wood oven roasted eggplant, chilies, mint)

The wooden shingle boat-like thinger that it came on was softer than the bread itself. Everyone's gums were bleeding after one bite. Shit, we're not that old for our gums to bleed eating bread... Yet. It even chipped the knife I tried to cut it with. These little tasting jars were ok, nothing crave-worthy about it that you'll want to rush back here for. The 2 slices of B&B pickles were really chintzy... Yup, I said 2 slices, 1 normal size, the other fit for a chipmunk. The rock hard bread basically ruined it, lightly toasted fresh bread is cooking 101. I took a piece home... Needed a door stop. Shhh.

(Margherita- san marzano, mozzarella, basil)

Yeah, boooyyeee!!! Until I tasted it... Zero char on the bottom, barely around the cornicione, the mozza looked really thin and watery, almost to the point it had the consistency of melted store bought thin sliced mozza from a ziplock bag. The sauce... I don't remember, it was that thrilling. The crust was dusty, crackily and dry with a few raw looking spots as if they didn't rotate it in the oven nor lifted it up to the dome. For a wood oven 'ZA, it needed a lot more work. That's too bad, I had hoped for better from these experienced cooks with their pedigree background.

(Close up of da lil Queen)

It's better than Papa John's, I'll give them that.

(Trofie- chicken liver, pork, and beef bolognese, parmesan, parsley)

Was there anything to look forward to after that dismal display of apps and 'ZA? Help me, Obiwan, you're my only hope... And the answer was YES! This pasta dish was pretty decent and redeemed itself. Pasta was cooked spot on. The meaty offal sugo (not really a bolognese) had good flava. The cheese was ricotta instead of parmesan as the menu stated... But it was all good. Nice little dish.

(Agnolotti- butternut squash, mascarpone, local mushrooms, browned butter, shaved hazelnuts)

Based on all the media hype, people were jerking off all over each other's back about this dish... I think some of it got on the plate. The pasta was cooked properly, the filling was fine, the shrooms were nice and woody, but there was sometime not right with the brown butter sauce... It was acidic and way over salted. Mebbe a few more trips to NYC are in order to get this dish right. Just sayin'... Don't believe the hype, you'll just be left disappointed. Next.

(Pork sausage rope- wood oven roasted, cherry mostarda, arugula)

Don't even get me fucking started with this visual... Eh, fuck it, you know I'll go there anyways. I swear, I saw this thing on the grass this morning when I was walking my dog. How do you not bust a gut or fart uncontrollably when this thing comes to your table. Seriously, did this come from a gag store? Anyhoo, it was similar to the meatball... Dry, grainy and lacking any fatty flavor you expect from a sausage. It was like eating sawdust. You pierce the casing and it all falls out like sand. Are they actually tasting the food during menu development? Pretty disappointing.

(Roasted beets, tarragon, sea salt)

Nice little side dish and well executed... C'mon, it's beets after all, not pizza Napoletana .

(Wood oven roasted cauliflower, sultanas, parsley, capers)

Cauliflower itself has no taste, roasting them helps but not by much. Adding a little duck or pork fat woulda made a helluva difference (screw the vegheads). Shit, even a splash of the overplayed truffle oil woulda done the trick. Or even a squeeze of lemon.

This place has all the right elements to make it a success (not that it isn't already with the steady stream of people coming in) but sometimes hype does a disservice to a place making it better than it is. When it is full, the sound level is almost unbearable as most people have complained and those giant metal lamp shades throughout the dining room does nothing to help dampen the decibels either... They're kinda useless like the Cone of Silence. The service was attentive and unintrusive. Overall, it needs a little work across the board, especially, the food execution. You might be able to get away with copying other restaurants far away from this city but you better be able to execute it flawlessly or else you'll be called out on it.

Maybe in a few months they'll get it right and be original.

2 Stars.

129 E Ponce De Leon Ave
Decatur, GA 30030
678-399-8246
http://www.no246.com/

Blue Ribbon Sushi

2011-09-14T10:31:00.000-07:00

When you think of great sushi, the name Blue Ribbon does not come to mind. But when you're in one of the greatest food cities in the world, some of the best places are off the radar. The original Blue Ribbon down the street has been a late night oasis and destination for industry insiders for almost 20 years. BR Sushi opened a few years later in 1995 and won the hearts of New Yorkers almost instantly... And in 2011, they're still kicking ass and taking names.

The menu is extensive and the fish is among the best and freshest in the city. The decor is simple chic and elegant... But you come here for one thing and one thing only, amazing fucking fish. I came by for a quick snack before my next culinary destination. I know you wished you did, too.

(No signage)

You're SOL if you don't know where it is or walk passed it. More fish for me, suckaz!

(Sushi bar)

The sushi bar is relatively small and behind it is commanded by 4 kick ass sushi chefs working elbow to elbow. How they didn't kill each other with their Yanagi knives I don't know because that shit was tight back there. Every dish that I saw come out looked better one after another. I smell fucking trouble for my wallet. Hold me back!

(Aoyagi Sashimi- Giant Orange Clam)

No, it ain't from between the legs of some oversprayed tan cougar from Jersey. Whatever your thoughts about overcooked, rubbery, clammy bi-valves, you can wipe that fuzzy lap flounder idea from your tiny brain... This tasted fresh from the sea, extremely melt in your mouth goodness, like little medallions of fatty foie gras from da sea.

(Sushi & Sashimi Combo, Hokkaido Uni and Shima Aji)

This picture doesn't do it justice because the colors of the fish were so much more vibrant when it's 5 inches from your snout. Speaking of snout, if the fish smells fishy you know it ain't right but this platter didn't have one whiff of dirty canned tuna. Almost every piece melted like buttah. The hard to find Shima Aji was top quality and ultra fresh. The highly prized Hakkaido Uni straight from Japan was some of the best I have ever had and I paid the price for it, too. Totally worth it.

With all the flashy and shiny big name sushi joints in the city, Blue Ribbon Sushi gets kinda lost in all the noise... And that is perfectly fine with me and the other sushi fanatics who care more about the cuisine than the glitz and glamour of the "it" joint of the hour. Blue Ribbon Sushi has been tested and proven. You know it's good when you're still thinking about it a week later... Like a great piece of snatch.

Pump.

Pump.

Squirt.

4 Stars.

119 Sullivan Street
New York, NY 10012
212-343-0404
http://www.blueribbonrestaurants.com/

Serpas

2011-09-08T11:03:00.000-07:00

I've been here a handful of times since they opened in 2009. While it isn't the most adventurous menu around, it is one of the most consistent around. And that's why I've always been a fan. Like his moniker, his cooking is "True Food". The space is pretty unique, nice open space and the wall of windows make it look larger than it is. I like it ah lot.

I don't know if it was the influence of resto week but the place was pretty packed the last time I stopped in. The crowd was borderline with fucking hipsters and cougar central... I didn't know if I should break dance or break a hip. Let's just break bwead, instead...

(Chicken Liver Pate)

The pate looks like a scoop of coffee ice cream but it isn't I assure you. The pate isn't mindblowing but it does the trick. Decent flavor and texture. Buttery toasties. Pickled red onions were nice.

(Crispy Duck Rolls)

Ok, these were just silly... $9 for wannabe Asian grub. They needed more flavor and time in the fryer. Cracker Pride time.

(Gumbo)

A little watery but not bad at all... Needed more thickener, filé, okra or roux. Hell, all of the above. But it was pretty tasty nonetheless.

(Pork Belly)

Look at that piglet... A perfect balance of meat and fat. A little crispy on top and caramelized nicely. He knows how to cook a proper pork belly, consistently. Pickled mustard seeds were cute but didn't do much for the dish. Nice little hidden surprise under the green skirt... A four cheese ravioli sans fromunda.

(Short Rib)

Now, that's a piece of man meat... I didn't know if should eat it or stuff it down my pants to impress the floozies in the jacuzzi. It was a tough choice but I decided to eat it and it was better than sex... With a sheep. I kid, I kid... No, really. Babababa.

(Toffee)

I'm not a dessert person but sometimes it's ok... A bite or two suits me fine. And that's what this was... A 2 biter. That's what she said. Oh, snap.

(Mousse thinger with peanut brittle)

This just looked weird... Oh, I'm stuffed, can't take another bite, you have it, hunnee bunnee. Knock yourself out.

A few items on the menu are misses but stick with the main attractions and you'll be fine. The service was purdy good, not too overbearing. The wine list changed a bit but you can still find some good ones on there that aren't a total rip off.

Good eats, True dat.

3 Stars.

659 Auburn Ave.
#501
Atlanta, GA 30312
404-688-0040
http://www.serpasrestaurant.com/default.php

Park's Edge

2011-08-30T19:08:00.001-07:00

Holy fuck bag full of bollocks, guess who's doing an taping of "Kitchen Nightmares" in Atlanta at Park’s Edge from Sept. 9 to 12?

You guessed it, you fat donkey! The fucking donkey king himself, Gordon Ramsay!

If you're insulted by the crass language, you, too, can piss off, you wanker! Or you can feast your eyeballs on this medley of crap on a plate...

But before we go any further, let me say this restaurant is trying... It's quaint, cozy and has a nice neighborhood feel, even though the past restos in this same location failed miserably. But besides that, don't let me deter you away from making a visit, everyone's taste are different... I mean a pig eats in it's own feces, but that's a different kind of animal all together.

Let's take a gander at what the trough had to offer (even though everything basically came out all at once, imagine 4 large plates on a tiny table made for a 1 top)...

(Grilled Caesar Salad)

Why you trying to be fancy pants with this ruffage? A picture says a thousand + 2 words and they are... Dirty and Sanchez. Look at that dressing... It musta been made with brown anchovies from the seas of cheese, fromunda is my guess. This poor poor Romaine had a bad life already living in the dirt, you don't have to burn him to a crisp, do you? It was bitter tasting, wouldn't you be after all that? Crouton were stale and meteorite hard. You gotta wonder who was tossing their salad back there. Judging by the presentation, he had a real good western grip on this dish.

(Jumbo Lump Corn Crab Cakes)

Why do people put hot food on a spring mix? It's wilts them and turns them brown, never understood that rationale. Gives a whole new meaning to hot lunch. But the crab cakes were cold and soggy by the time it came out, the salad underneath was greasy from sitting around too long. Do I eat these things or rest them on my eye sockets like a pair of Arabian goggles? The crab cake fell apart with just a quick blow and stroke and separated in all different directions like the Bismarck going down. What's in that little pour cup you ask? Well, tis was a cilantro aioli... An aioli that was as gooey as the bloody battle on that ship. Looks like the Rear Admiral needs some extra zinc supplement. Squirt.

(Roasted PEI Mussels)

It looked good when it came out but after you take a good whiff of this spicy coconut lemongrass broth (quick, someone get me an Iraqi gas mask)... You'll want to excuse yourself from the table and give yourself a fishhook in the latrine. The mussels were tiny, I mean pearl tongue tiny, you might as well string them up and wear it like a pearl necklace. Why is there pico de gallo on the bread... What do you do with this? Mix it in with the watery broth and stir it with the bwead to thicken? I'm confused... Like the service. She was winking at me in the corner with this eerie fish eye like from under a glass bottom boat.

(Honey Marinated Flank Steak)

Prolly the best dish of the night, if you fuck up a friggin flank steak, you really should be mopping the floors instead. But the word "best" is far from it... The meat curtain was presented on the plate like a gorgeous pink sock but it was a little too sinewy for my palate. The garlic mashed potatoes were dry and gummy. The Cascabel fried onions were a fraud since there is no such thing as a Cascabel onion but they were crunchy, though. The "chimmi churrie" sauce... Well, let's not go there, Rancid is not just a band. Chef’s daily vegetable of asparagus were spot on, well done... Now, piss off.

This place can be so much more, given the area it's located and it's ambiance... It's a cool little spot. Give the sheep what they want (which is a good, clean, simple, and bold menu) and they will flock to you. Gordon, dude, light a fire under their ass and get them to do it right for fuck's sake.

The reservation email is inmanparkrest@gmail.com for the taping if you wanna experience the full wrath of a donkey punch from the master chef himself.

Hee Haw.

1 Star. (Pending donkey punch)

913 Bernina Avenue NE
Atlanta, GA 30307
404.584.7275
http://www.parksedgeatl.com/

La Fourchette Bistro & Lounge

2011-08-29T14:17:00.002-07:00

Anyone who's been here knows there is no "lounge" up in this piece. It's a tiny bar in the corner. No one is lounging here nor do they want to. It's a restaurant. Period. Perhaps a "bistro" at best. Stop pretending you're more than what you are. You're not fooling anyone with eyes, even those with a brown eye. I hate the shit that restaurants pull but let's get back to the issue at hand... The food.

So, what is the cuisine? The name says French. The owners say Mediterranean. The menu says international. The crowd says geriatrics. Serio, yo, it was totally the older crowd, not that there is anything wrong with that but eating a meal surrounded by Fixodent and the silver haired gives me the creeps. Speaking of creepy... The host/owner is a scary presence. He reminded me of a dictator in some 3rd world country. He was holding this pen all night like it was a detonator. He seemed a little agitated when my 4 top became a 3 top because the 4th friend of a friend person bailed out for some reason or other. Relax, Hans Gruber. Shit happens, so please don't beat me with your shoe or bomb my place, just feed me, Mistor.

Beet Salad - It had beets and ruffage... Nothing to pull down your underpants about.

Sweet Bread - I love this shit but this tasted precooked and refired a couple minutes in the oven before it came out. It was chewy and dried out. It wasn't totally offal, though. Yeah, I know that was cheesy. Durrr.

Pork Tenderloin - Coulda been a little more pink on the inside but acceptable. Nothing really spectacular about this dish. I mean look at it, you can do this at home. What's with da canned corn kernels?

Pan Seared Scottish Salmon - Nice crispy skin and color but the salmon was a little dry inside. Seems like that's the protocol here, fire off a bunch of stuff pre-hand and cooked through 80% and then refired in the oven when the order comes in. Great for volume but not for taste... Especially, at this price point. Oh, joy, more canned cornholio. Anyone have teepee for my bung... Nevermind.

Pecorino Risotto - Rice, rice, baybee. That is all.

Tunisian Beignets - I'm not a dessert person but this was prolly the best dish of the night. Fluffy, fresh, moist fried dough with a blossom honey ice cream. Not too shabby. Oh, yeah and some shaved nuts... That's what she said.

Service was somewhat strange... A bit too formal for a "smart" casual joint. Mebbe it was for the blue hairs. Will I rush back here for the food? Likely not but they did just open their pizza place next door. Tartufo sounded interesting and promising but after seeing their 'ZA... No thanks. Mebbe in a couple months when they actually start using wood and not gas, electric or hamster wheel powered.

Yippee ki yay, mofo... I got your detonators right here.

2.5 Stars.

3133 Piedmont Road Northeast
Atlanta, GA 30305-2516

(404) 748-1229
http://lafourchette.co/

Goin' Coastal - Va-Hi

2011-08-29T14:17:00.001-07:00

If this place sucks, y'all know I would go all fucking postal up in this piece, OMG I would... But believe it or not, I like this place, I liked it a lot. Unreal, right? The pouch liked a place like this? WTF?! I said liked not loved.

While it didn't make me piss unicorns and rainbows all over the other guests in the joint... The food was consistent and tasty, though. Some dishes work better than others but none was purge worthy. The price point hovers a little above what it should for cuisine like this which is basically a fish shack, a fish camp thinger. So, it better be spot on. Let's take a peeky toe at it, shall we...

(White Caesar Salad)

Tell me about the rabbits, George. Whatever... It's a salad. Whoop-dee-doo. The dressing was a little weak, more anchovies, pweez.

(She Crab Soup)

No worries, it's not contagious... There were hardly any crabs in there. It had decent flavor (a bit too much Sherry) but without the orange-hued crab roe as a garnish (or mixed in) it just isn't a true She Crab Soup. A couple of slivers of green onions ain't gonna cut it, slick.

(Grit & Lump Crab Fritters)

Give me balls or give me death! These crabby little nut jobs were crisply thin on the outside, light and airy on the inside. They kinda exploded in your mouth. That's what she said... No, really, the chick across from me said that. And let me tell ya, she knows what she's talkin about, Willis. The grits and crab were pretty subtle in flavor but I liked them nonetheless. Balls in your cheeks are always a good time... Sometimes in eye sockets, too, but that's a different story.

(Mussels)

Fat, plump and juicy... Just how I like my labia of the sea, sans beard. The broth was rich and flavorful. The bowl was really loaded up with it, so ask for more bwead to soak up that scrumptious vag juice. Slurp. Why is there a lone green bean in there? Musta fell outta the cook's bearded clam.

(Rock Shrimp Taco)

Oh, dear... Is that flour tortillas I smell? Yep. Ah, hell... I'll just go with it even though it looked like it came straight outta Taqueria Del Sol's dumpster. The Rock shrimp was pretty good, mebbe a little heavy on the batter. The corn kernels were a nice touch. Switch out flour torts for corn ones and this would go up 2 pumps and a squirt.

(Lobster Roll)

Do I even dare to try another shitty lobster roll in this one horse town? Fuck yeah, I do. These triple dog dares are getting tiresome. But... This was a very nice lobster roll, indeed. Homemade roll buttered and toasted (a little too much color on the bottom, read: blackened) that looked rather small but it held a good helping of lobster filler. Lobster was dressed well, mebbe needed a little less but who cares, the sweetness of the tender meat still came through. Shoe string like fwies were crispy and hot, nice. This was almost good enough for me to recommend... Alright, I recommend it. Available only on weekend lunch, go now.

(Lobster & Jumbo Lump Crab Cakes)

I'm almost as picky with crab cakes as I am with lobster rolls... And this one was a no contender. While it was passable, it lacked a lot of the standards of a classic crab cake. It fell apart too easily, it needed some type of structure and there were no discernible taste of either the crab or lobster. The filler was totally pulverized to sawdust like consistency. There were no lumps, no lovely lady lumps of crab or lobster. The haricot verts were fresh and snappy. Roasted taters were what they should be.

(Scallop Risotto)

The rather large diver scallops were cooked nicely... the risotto, not so much. They were kinda mushy and didn't have that tooth to it (oh, hell yeah, I did done gone there with "toothy", again). At this price point, you would expect a perfectly cooked risotto but it's a fish joint, whaddaya expect.

(King Salmon)

A quite decent sized pan roasted king salmon... Not too dried out like that old queen salmon in the corner (did I say that out loud? eww). Tis was seasoned well and cooked properly... C'mon, if you're screwing up a piece of salmon, you need to go back to Long Dong Silver's, they're hiring. Green beans still good and cobs of sweet corn were good, too. It was like a good meal you cook at home. Not hard to make but satisfying.

(Southern Fried Platter Combo- Oyster, Catfish, Gulf & Rock Shrimp)

Let me tell ya, this combo platter was very generous in a Dirk Diggler kinda way (I keep getting one frame flashbacks of it) and still looked friggin' appetizing even after feasting on all the other dishes. It's fried fish/seafood... Nothing tastes better in the whole world. Well, except for a whole roasted suckling piglet, lamb fries and a proper hamachi kama. The batter was spot on, seasoned well and fried well, look at that color. Perfect. Everything was hot, crispy and juicy. Only gripe was they coulda put more oysters in there. It's a hefty platter and the sides were good, too... That wonderful sauteed green beans and a cup of my cousin Vinny's grit.

This is the type of neighborhood joint that Va-Hi needs more of, not restaurant groups that pumps out the same monotonous Mexican't slop over and over again. If anyone asks me what's a good place to nosh that's reasonably priced... This would be it.

Burp and a squirt.

3 Stars.

1021 Virginia Ave NE
Atlanta, GA 30306

404-941-9117

http://goincoastalseafood.com/

Ippudo NY

2011-08-24T22:17:00.000-07:00

St. Marks Place is a cool, hip, trendy area... Well, it used to be back in the days. Now, it's full of students and tourists. But still doesn't discount the fact that there's good and cheap grub to be had in this area. Go a few streets down and you can get sick ass KFC at Mono+Mono, go a few streets up and you got Momofuku's sick ass fried chicken that feeds like 80 people, mebbe that was 8, I forget. Speaking of Momofuku, their Noodle Bar started the whole noodle soup craze in NYC. But we're not here for the noodle bar, we're here for some Japanese Ramen...

Ippudo's been around for awhile now, it had it's ups and downs but business has never been better. As big as NYC is, decent tonkotsu ramen is hard to come by. I have to eat as many bowls of tonkotsu when I find a decent one. Shit is like crack to me and the 15 million other people in NYC... Except the veg-heads. They don't know what they're missing. Broth made out of dirty pig's feet and cooked until its disintegrated? Fuck yeah, bro.

I needed a quick snack before my lunch at ABC Kitchen, so I had some time to kill...

(Great Wall of Bowls)

(If they're serving these dusty old dried out noodles, I'll need a 12 pack of Sapporo)

(Hirata Pork Buns)

Similar the Chinese steamed buns but not as good. The relatively small piece of pork belly was good but the Napa cabbage cheapened it. These weren't cheap, though... More expensive than the $2 whore around the corner.

(Ippudo Teba Gyoza)

I lurv these things... Deep fried chicken wing stuffed with ground pork and veggies, vinegar shoyu sauce. Now, only if these Japanese chicken farmers can only grow them like this... It would be heaven, heaven I said.

(Shiromaru Hakata Classic)

"The original "Tonkotsu" noodle soup topped with pork loin chashu, kikurage, menma, red pickeled ginger, sesame and scallions". I can't read Japanese but this sounds purdy good to me... Especially, the pickeled ginger. I'll have a bowl, pweez. The broth was real nice, creamy, not too salty. The ramen was "toothy"... Ha, I used that filthy word, yes I did done that. It was a nice bowl of ramen. A great everyday comfort meal.

Ippudo, while it's been commercialized and tourist-fied as of late, still pumps out good food. I wouldn't go here every day because there's just way better places to eat around this area and on the cheap. But it's fun to come here every once in a while and laugh at the Gaijin who asks if they have California Rolls up in this piece.

Domo arigato, Mistor Roboto, bitches.

3.5 Stars.

65 4th Ave
New York, NY 10003

(212) 388-0088

http://www.ippudony.com/

5 Napkin Burger

2011-08-17T19:35:00.000-07:00

Lookie here... We got another burger joint and a franchise no less. But this one is from a small New York chain and we all know we can't dismiss anything coming from New York. Yes, franchises suck but this was not always the case for 5 Napkin Burger. It spawned from a menu item from a pretty decent restaurant called Nice Matin and then exploded like a 16 year old in puberty ever since. They got locations in NYC, Boston and Miami... And now, Atlanta. But with NYC prices. Oh, joy. The shit is not cheap and we're not in NYC. Go figure.

Actually, I was kinda excited about it because 5NB was pretty good in NYC... But as with franchises goes, it doesn't always get better with quantity. You can bring a little piece of New York to the South but you may not get the same quality. I was hesitant to come here because I knew it would be swamped with everybody and their cougar moms. It's a good location (no other burger joints in sight), parking sucks dick, though... No pun intended but not that there's anything wrong with it.

Eh, fuck it, let's just get on with it... Y'all knew I had to do it sooner or later.

(Scales and Meat Hooks)

(Cornmeal Crusted Onion Rings -Blue cheese dressing & 5N sauce)

It was pretty good, except that it tasted more like Panko crust than cornmeal... Which was a plus. Coulda been a mix but who cares. It wasn't greasy and had a nice crispy crunch to it. The sauces sucked ass, the 5N sauce was horrid use ketchup instead. The price to rings ratio = total rip off.

(House Cured Pickles)

Tastes just like store bought bread & butter pickles but not as good. Totally forgot that these pickled flaps came with the lobster roll sliders, what a waste of like $4. Blah.

(Combo Platter -3 pieces sushi (tuna, yellowtail & salmon) 1 shrimp avocado roll, 1 spicy tuna roll)

HAHAHA!!! Yeah, yeah, I know what you're saying... Why da fuck would I order sushi from a burger joint. Because it's fucking there on the menu and it was such a freakshow. I had to do it... Because I live on the edge. Eating raw fish at a meat joint is a total Triple Dog Dare. So, how was it? One word: It Was Fucking Horrendous. I swear this shit was left over from Nickimoto's walk-in, a box of frozen fish in the corner. What a lovely present. The nigiri was sliced so poorly and thinly, you can read the rice beneath it... It said, "SUCKA!". Amateur hour at its finest but with celeb-lawyer prices.

(Original 5 Napkin Burger - 10 oz. fresh ground chuck, gruyere cheese, caramelized onions, rosemary aioli, soft white roll)

And now, da pièce de résistance! The 5 Napkin Burga...

(Under da hood)

Doesn't look bad. And it wasn't a bad burga. Not the best nor was it what I remembered it in NYC. It's a well constructed burger, the patty didn't fall apart but the toppings did. Gruyere was melted way too much and start oozing off like a Mississippi mud slide. The ground chuck needed more fat, it was kinda dry inside. The bread woulda been nice if it was buttered and toasted. The fries tasted like Mickey Dee'z nuts fwies but just not as tasty.

(Lobster Roll Sliders - Sweet Maine lobster with 5N mayo, scallions & cucumbers, on 3 toasted soft white rolls with bread & butter pickles)

I love my lobster rolls, gotta order it when I sees it. The lobster meat was borderline acceptable, lightly dressed but needed a tad more seasoning. The slider rolls needed to be buttered and toasted, desperately. It was so boring, tasted like a throwed roll that was tossed to you at some cheesy restaurant in Missouri. Get that roll thinger worked out and this would taste a lot better, prolly not by much. But at the end of the day, these sliders were just merely conversation. B&B pickles were as described, tiresome.

(Up and personal shot of these crustaceous rolls.)

Overall, a decent over-priced burger that the midtown crowd will gladly pay for. For me, at that NYC price point, I expected a helluva lot more. Better food execution at the very least. The service was attentive and good. This place is a hit already and will going to be in the future. It's been a friggin' gold mine since the doors opened. But it will be my first and last visit here. Been there, done that. Nothing exceptional to bring me back unless you're paying.

Suckaz.

1.5 Stars.

990 Piedmont Ave NE

Atlanta , Georgia 30309
404-685-0777
http://5napkinburger.com/midtown-atlanta

Slack's Restaurant and Bar

2011-08-16T20:36:00.000-07:00

TOWN Brookhaven is one of the newest cookie-cutter live work play thinger in upstate Atlanta. I hate these complexes because they tend to become super ghetto after word gets out from atop of Stone Mountain. One thing is for sure, this Sembler project (which seems like it's been ongoing for millenniums) will have no problem with that crowd since the overwhelming amount of triple pleated shorts and pants act like a sperm whale's gills to filter out all the crap from this sanctuary of khaki's and Polo's.

The complex is set up to contain all your favorite chain restaurants with the relentless 'in your face' signs and crowds on the patios that can be easily seen from Peachtree road... But there was one unique place behind all that malarkey that I was pretty interested in trying since they opened. A place that claims to have authentic Philly Cheesesteaks with the Amoroso rolls. Holy fuck, I'm so down with OPP (Other People's Philthies).

So, there's a bunch of Slack's Hoagie Shack franchises in Philly... Was this another franchise location? I was stumped because the name was just Slack's and on their website was Slack's Restaurant and Bar. And if they were affiliated, why does their website give out the vibe that it's an independent operation? With a little digging, it turns out they are a franchise of Slack's Hoagie Shack as stated on their website (http://slackshoagies.com/locations.htm). All this smoke and mirrors seemed a little shady to me... But if the Philthy is authentic then who gives a shit.

I'm fucking starving, let's go eat some cheese wit!

Gotta start off with some hawt wangz... The pouch demanded it.

(Half & Half: Maniac and Lemon Pepper)

So, I ask the server for their hottest of the hottest wings they got and to include an extra side of the sauce because it's usually never hot enough for me, so I like to dip it in extra sauce. First look... It looked weak, real weak. I tasted the extra side of Maniac sauce and it tasted like watered down tomato sauce. WTF???!!! This was the most pathetic display of Buffalo wings I have ever tasted. The wings itself were fried properly but their hottest sauce was a joke. The lemon pepper were as expected... Boring. Snooze. Pouch was disappointed.

Enough of this pussy footing around... Let's get to the main event. Looked like my neighbor's mom made it for her 8 year old...

(Philly Cheesesteak)

Not exactly an attractive presentation... I know it's a cheesesteak and it shouldn't look all fancy-schmancy but does this look appetizing at all? Putting this on a plate is just wrong. A Philthy deserves better, it should be on wax paper in a plastic tray.

(Up close and personal... Where is el queso?)

Looks kinda dry doesn't it? Seriously, did they forget the provolone? Seemed like the steak was cooked ahead of time and reheated in the microwave. Took one bite and my fears were realized... Shit was dry as a 70 year old hag. If you stood it up vertically, it kinda looked like one, too. Oh, man, what a disappointment.

(Why is there sesame seeds on the roll?)

I'm baffled... Amoroso doesn't make a sesame roll or do they? And what's with the shiny glaze all over the roll? This looked unusual for an Amoroso roll and from what their website states... "The menu offers a taste of Philadelphia that includes Yuenling beers, Amroso rolls,". No wonder why it looked different, it was an AMROSO roll! And obviously, they also serve a knock-off of Yuengling beer, too.

(Italian Hoagie)

Oh, look... They used the same roll as the cheesesteak but it actually works with this sandwich, instead. This wasn't half bad. Good amount of meat and tasted like it should in an Italian Hoagie... Ok, mebbe a little on the dry side. I guess that's what the house recipe "hoagie oil" was for but it tasted like nothing but plain old used cooking oil. I was sure as hell ain't putting that on me sammie.

I don't really know what to think about this place. It seems like it's still searching for a personality, a niche, an identity in this town because people aren't exactly lining up for their Philly Cheesesteaks or anything else on that menu. Let's face it, it was not a Philthy in any way, shape or form. It was just a let down and disappointment. Oh, well, there's still Roy's Cheesesteaks...

BTW- They got pizza, too... Wait, nevermind.

1 Star.

305 Brookhaven Ave.
Suite B1250
Atlanta, GA 30319
404-602-5558
http://www.slacksatlanta.com/

One Eared Stag

2011-08-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

Ever since Shaun's closed, Atlanta lost a piece of the forward thinking culinary institutions like the many before it. It was innovative, inspiring and just a plain old good food joint... But in the end, money talks and bullshit walks via burgers like so many others have done and over-done. This seems to be curse Atlanta has suffered since the Olympics... Decent good restaurants open but the city just won't support it. They prefer cheap eats and how much of it they can shovel down their piehole. Months passed and this space sat empty like so many other good restaurants that went belly up. But then there was a light at the end of this tunnel... And from an unlikely source, the people behind Holy Taco. Yeah yeah, more fucking Mexican't meat curtains, you say. But nope, tis was a sign from the almighty pouch above... A restaurant with a fresh and experimental menu.

Their menu may not be catered for people with small kids or no taste, but for pigs like me who will eat anything and everything... It's a blessing. Atlanta is so boring with the same dusty old meat and three, new Southern farm to table, free range, ass fed, spa treated sows, burgers, burgers and more burgers, new celebrity hot dog joints... It's like every menu reads the same because owners want to play it safe so diners will come in. I can understand that but that's what sheep do and sheep gets slaughtered. Did someone say mutton? I'm starving... And Snooki wants smoosh smoosh.

(Constantly changing menu and vittles)

Fuck yeah!

(Grilled Veal Heart, Chimichurri, Country Bwead)

So good... Tender and flava packed. It's been a long day, have a heart.

(Pork Lomo, Sweet Melon, Mint, Powdered Guajillo)

Savory and sweet... Whatever that means, tis was refreshing and great for this swamp ass Southern heat.

(Gazpacho with Tomato Crab Salad)

No one likes crabs in their pants but in a cold summer soup, hellz yeah!

(Buttermilk Fried Chicken Necks with Kimchi)

Sounds so stupid and meatless but I kinda liked it... Shit, I like anything fried on a chicken. Have y'all ever tried fried chicken uterus? It's delish. The kimchi on here were kinda weird and the necks were a little too salty. But I ate the shit outta it, tho.

(Fried Pig Ears with Fried Egg)

Pig ear fries! Can you hear me now, you delicious little bastards?! It sounds like crunch, crunch, squirt... Of the egg yolk. This dish was fun and tasty.

(Fried Smelt, Meyer Lemon)

Smelt it, dealt it... And I'll do it again. One word: Addictive. They were like gourmet fish sticks. Lurved it.

(Rillette Fritter with Fried Egg)

Leftover bits and scraps of pizzle, nipples, ball sacks, hoof nails, snout, entrails, worms' meat and fromunda, Robot-Couped and shaped like a cow patty, breaded and fried. Not too shabby.

(Padron Peppers)

Hmm, looks like someone's been to Shoya cuz these thingers taste just like the Shishito peppers. Totally addictive and tasty... Like good weed. Everything's sooooo gween...

(Grilled Baby Artichokes, Pistachios)

OMG... but without the cheese. These baby artichokes were lip and sack smacking guud... You know, cuz they look like little balls.

(Cold Eggplant)

The picture looks like shit but it tasted pretty damn good. And it was eggplant... Can you believe that shit? Eggplant. Melanzana. Moulie. Alright, Rocko!

(Seafood Stew)

Bowl of sea creastures. Not the best dish on the menu but interesting enough to try out. And no, it ain't bouillabaisse. And the verdict: decent but not the favorite on the table. A bit over salted.

(Potatoes with Salmon Roe)

This is food porn. Balls on balls action. Interesting combination but it works... Kinda like that, porker, Ron Jeremy's prolific career of banging hot babes. How you ask? Don't question the powers that be. Just eat it and shut up.

(Ginormous Ribeye)

Well hung and well cooked, medium rare... Just how I like my man meat. Nothing beats a nice hot juicy piece of meat in one's mouth... Isn't that right, Tom Cruise? We all know your lil secwet. You can't handle the truth nor this ginormous piece of meat.

(Pork Belly)

Ok, pork belly is so played out... Well, almost. But who can say no to pork belly? Me. I said no to this. Look at that gigantic hunk of pure fat. While it had amazing color, 2/3 of it was pure belly fat, I shit you not. Look at it, you just gained 2 lbs staring at it, right? I asked the server if this looked out of place, he said that he loves fat and he would totally eat all of that. I said, well, it's your lucky day, here, I'm sending it back for a leaner piece. The second fire was a lot better but the visual was a lot meeker, it tasted fine and the veggie niblets cut the fattiness and richness of the belly. I feel like Kirstie Alley.

(Pickled Veggies)

Oh, talk about misses... This one was a major miss. It was almost inedible. It looked like a witch's brew, a cauldron of crap. Send it back whence it came, demonspawn!

(Risotto)

Not a traditional risotto in every sense but I don't expect it when I'm eating here. This shit was rich, real rich with heavy cream, cheeses and a little corn, bean salad to balance it out or at least try to... Look at all the oil surrounding the mound of rice like a moat. But let me tell ya, it was purdy tasty except it was over salted, which everyone knows can destroy a great risotto or any dish for that matter... And slimy slugs, also.

We noticed that the chef and sous chef were mysteriously absent one particular night, so all the dishes, while visually appealing and well constructed, were way over salted. The food might not hit every note every single time, but it's refreshing to see a menu that is consistently changing and revolving... And that is exactly what Atlanta needs even though Atlanta might not be ready for it. At least not for the masses yet but the people who love food and want food of this type are very happy that there is place that will challenge the cooks and the customers in a symbiotic relationship. But not like Venom and the symbiote suit... I wonder if you can eat it, like edible undies.

Good stuff. Can't wait to see what's next on their menu.

Squeal.

3.5 Stars.

1029 Edgewood Avenue
Atlanta, GA 30307
404-525-4479
http://www.oneearedstag.com/

OMG Taco

2011-08-08T17:15:00.000-07:00

Once again, the masses of Atlanta never fails to prove they have no taste whatsoever... It's almost embarrassing that they're writing 5 star reviews containing words such as the "most unique foods", "AWESOME!" or comparing this food better than "Cheetos". Where the fuck am I? It is embarrassing. Someone open a giant door because a window ain't enough... The lack of oxygen must be killing off their brain cells and taste buds. Mebbe, that's why they obscenely abuse the use of acronyms here. I'm getting a headache already and I haven't even taken a bite of this Korean bearded clam. FML.

Sweet Lime was abysmal... I still can't get that smell and taste of ammonia in their rancid sushi out of my head from years ago. It would be no big feat for anyone to replace this dump with anything remotely edible... Wait a minute, I might have prematurely put my mouth in front of my foot. So, now comes a new Korean Taco joint from a San Diego Taco Truck operator. Mebbe, I should just put my foot in my mouth instead.

Anyhoo, I met up with some friends here because they wanted to try it out since they never leave L5P. Hey, I'm always game for gaudy gimmicky shit. The service seemed like they came off the back of a truck near the border. They don't know the menu, the name of the items, the pricing nor what toppings came with each item. It was an absolute circus freakshow... No shortage of that in this part of town. But can it be any worse than that slop at Hankook? Wait, don't answer that, just take a gander at this shit...

(Short Rib Tacos - OMG's Special Soy Sauce marinated short rib)

First look, the tortillas were actually corn. Nice, you get a point there. Then there's the filling... The short rib was tough, chewy and diced in small cubes... No, it wasn't liver, it was supposedly short rib. If this meat was marinated in that special sauce, that special sauce musta been water because it had no taste whatsoever and that snoozer of a slaw acted as a cover like that burlap sack over the elephant man's deformed noggin. Don't forget about the mixed shredded cheese, nope, they sure didn't. Thank goodness, bottles of Cholula was at the ready. It was the only way to work that down your gullet and out your bunghole.

(Fish Tacos - Special San Diego Style Beer battered fish served with OMG Tartar Sauce)

Holy shit, look at this spectacle will you? I swear I have seen this scene before in a Peter North video. That stud has enough jizz to drown 3 girls at will... And it looks like so does OMG. This fish taco never had a chance in this circle jerk. The tartar sauce was so overwhelming that you might as well pour some Pepto over this snatch patch and called it a Pink Taco just to eat this out. The fried fish hidden in the masa vulva could be considered an UFO... Unidentified Frying Object. I think they drank all the beer before they added it to the batter. Hite. Oh, look, more bad shredded bag cheese... On, fried fish no less.

(Spicy Pork Tacos - Pork meat seasoned with Sweet Korean Chili Paste & garlic)

Baffling, no hint of any type of spice in this sawdust of prok mince meat. If this was spicy than I'm a pimple on a monkey's butt. That slaw is really giving me the creeps right about now... Shit is on everything like a roach crawling all over my provisions in my pantry. Pass the Cholula, esé... Cuz this thing is putting my dancing feet to sleep. Make it a hat trick and pile on some more of that great queso. Con queso? Si, con mucho queso, por fav.

(OMFG Super Fries w/ a bunch of crap and caramelized Kimchee)

Look at this exhibit of funk. It looks like it came out of a kindergarten class. Crap upon crap upon crap. The "any choice of meat" listed on the menu turned out to be $1 extra... Talk about bait and switch. When asked about why it's extra, their answer was "the menu is wrong, we have to change that". Excuse me, isn't menu development the #1 thing you should consider before you open for business? This is so fucking amateur and annoys the fuck outta me. The fries sucked, the crappy bag of mixed Mexican't cheese was barely melted and clumped together like hamster vomit in the corner, the slaw was barely dressed, seasoned and totally bland as tree bark. The caramelized kimchee was no where to be found like the flavor. Thank gawd we didn't give them the extra dollar for more dried out pork dandruff.

(OMG Naked Bowl aka Bi Bim Bap)

Mixed feelings... Like this crap in a box going over a cliff, in my new taco truck. According to the menu, this was supposed to come with meat... But to be consistently moronic, let's just get properly Rogered by paying that extra $1 for a spoonful of dried jerky meat. This entire beast was under-seasoned and uninspiring. It was as exciting as a monkey picking lice of another's back... Wait, that is pretty interesting and fun to watch. Bet that lice taste better than this quagmire. What?! No cheese? I want a refund.

You may be able to pull the wool over most of the people's eyes in this one horse town since they have never had a real Korean taco before but don't be surprised if you are called out by the ones who know better. How can you compromised on the quality and give the California taco truck a bad name, it's sacrilegious. I feel so violated.

There are no words for this... It's just plain bad. This is worse than Hankook Taqueria and HT is a watered down hot mess. Even the most destitute of college kids wouldn't eat this. What am I talking about, of course they would... They would eat the shit of outta this stuff. And that's all that needs to be said.

0.5 Star... For the corn tortillas.

Flush.

1126 Euclid Ave.
Atlanta, GA 30307
(404) 343-3860
www.ohmmgogi.com

Totto Ramen

2011-08-01T20:56:00.001-07:00

This place may be tiny but don't let their looks fool ya... People aren't waiting outside for up to an hour for a taste of that dried up shit you ate in college from Kroger for 20 cents a bag laden with MSG. Oh, wait, excuse me... They call it Umami, now. If you want real ramen, you have to look real hard and these places are sometimes semi-difficult to find. But once you do, you're in for a real treat... It's orgasm in your mouth. Wait, that didn't cum out right... Ugh, you know what I mean...

( Totto Ramen does not accept reservations, does not allow take out, and we do not deliver! )
Fuckin' awesome.

(Ika-Yaki)

Skewered and torched squid with chef’s special ginger sauce & scallion.
Yum. Yum. Squirt.

(Chicken Paitan Ramen)
Homemade noodles cooked al dente in a whole chicken and premium soy sauce based soup topped with scallion, onion, char siu pork.
I can't bweathe...

(Spicy Ramen)
Original Rayu, Spicy Sesame Oil, adds a spicy kick and refreshing aftertaste to the original Paitan ramen.Topped with scallion, char siu pork, bean sprouts, and nori.

Spicy sauce is on the side and make sure you double down on it.

(Now, it's Spicy Ramen... Double dose)

Someone open a window...

This is the real deal... It's not Korean owned, not Chinese owned, not Vietnamese owned, not even Eskimo owned, it's Japanese owned and operated and they take their noodles seriously.

Good shit.

Burp.

4 Stars.

366 W 52nd Street
New York, NY 10019
(212) 582-0052
http://tottoramen.com/

The Mermaid Oyster Bar

2011-07-31T22:16:00.001-07:00

NYC has a million and one seafood joints... A lot of them are good but this one is fun, hip and cozy in one of my favorite hometown hoods. Da Village. MacDougal Street has some of the best eats in the city and all on one street. Artichoke is across da street, Minetta up the street, Meskerem a stone's throw away, Luxor cafe and Kati Roll to name a few but Mermaid is da bomb...

(My little buttercup)

(East Coast Little Necks and Oysters - Sans beard)

No need to close your legs... The best smelling kind of clam laid out in front of my snout to lick and slurp. So fwesh and good.

(Lobster roll, Old Bay fwies and slaw)

(Side shot. Squirt)

Not your standard Maine style lobster roll in a top split buttered bun but it's no chopped liver either... Wait, I love chopped liver, nevermind. The roll is very nice but I prefer the top split bun to hold in the lobster. With rolls like this, the filling falls out way too easily. Speaking of the filling... The lobster was chunky, sweet, moist, tender, lightly dressed and seasoned. Perfect. The Old Bay dusted fries were crispy and delicious but a tad salty. The slaw was pretty weak and bland... It was like no one even tasted it.

(Mousse thinger)

(Fortune Teller fun!)

This was so cool. It's a plastic film in the shape of a fish that you put on the palm of your hand and it tells your fortune depending how it curls or flips based on the heat you're giving off. I think mine was "fickle". No shit, Sherlock.

This restaurant just oozes New York City standards that most restaurants around the nation can only wish to achieve. I'm not talking about fine dining achievement but a wonderful menu that you can eat on a daily basis. There's a lot more great stuff on the menu but I'll save it for next time.

Burp.

3.5 Stars.

79 MacDougal Street
New York, NY 10012
212-260-0100
http://www.themermaidnyc.com/oyster/

Ça Va Todd English

2011-07-31T11:39:00.000-07:00

How's it going, brah?

I'm fucking starving, boo. Feed me!

So, I'm back home and up in Times Square area for business and needed a good place to chow down a quick snack before lunch... I fucking hate tourist central but where to eat, where to eat? Ah, Todd English is around the corner and I heard he was an ok chef (I kid, I kid), why not give it a try? They got a great deal for déjeuner, they call it the Ça Va"Restaurant Week", three courses for $24.07 that's available year round and rotates weekly... Even though, it seems like it's just for NYC resto week. Enough, about the little details, let's get to the quick and dirty...

(Lobster Bisque & Lobster Sandwich)

The bisque was vibrant, silky smooth, creamy, fragrant and just tasted fucking amazing. I mean, just look at it, you know it'll be good. The lobster sandwich was basically a lobster roll in slider form. Shit was awesome. I could eat 3 rounds of this and be happy.

(Pate)

Pretty much classic French pate course. It wasn't sack blowing out of this world good but it was tasty.

(Lamb Tenderloin)

Cooked perfect. Look at that color! It was so good, as with the Peruvian purple mash taters, too. Mary had a little lamb, Little lamb, Little lamb, Mary had a little lamb, It's flesh was cooked medium rare.

(Monkfish)

Can you believe this dish at this price point? This was incredible. The monkfish seared perfectly outside and moist and firm inside. Then you got artichokes, new potatoes and tomato puree/sauce. So fresh, so bright, so guuuud! You know, these frogs are good for something since we liberated them from the krauts.

(Sorbet - Mango & Raspberry)

(Blueberry Lemon Cheesecake)

Todd English did it again! Great food and a great deal in any language... Even if you don't speak Engrish. Run, don't walk... And don't take a cab or a subway because you'll never make it on time.

Garçon! Check, pweez! I got lunch rez in 20 minutes downtown... Or I can just stay here for lunch since my fat ass is planted already.

Burp.

4 Stars.

310 W 44th Street
New York, NY 10036
212-803-4545
http://www.cavatoddenglish.com/