Legal Sea Foods

What should be illegal is the friggin lobsta roll at $23!!! I have been chasing for a nice piece of tail in Atlanta for years and have yet found one to proudly wrap my mouth around it.

Steamhouse's version might as well be a fake crabstick on a hot dog bun with drippy rancid butter... And now, Legal Sea Foods attempted but failed as well. While the bun was buttery and nicely toasted, the innards just didn't have that ol' so fwesh from da sea taste. This specimen was bottom of the fridge cold, bland, barely dressed and more claw than tail. The fwies and coleslaw were less than conversation. Meh.

Lobster Roll

Fried petite clams w/ bellies

New England Fwied Clams - Whole-bellied, sweet and petite. That might sound wonderful... Mebbe, if you were in a trailer park. These fried snot were one step up from HoJo's clam strip dinner. More crust than anything... And the whole-bellies? Hell, I have more belly poking out from under my shirt.

New England Clam Chowda - All in all, a decent chowda. At least it's not minced clams. But there's consistency issues here, one day is pretty damn tastee, another is meh.

The only things I would go back to try is the lobster bake, steamed littlenecks, crabmeat roll or fish n chips. But at those prices, I think I hear the Captain calling.

*Sigh*

275 Baker St NW
Atlanta, GA 30313
(678) 500-3700
www.legalseafoods.com/

Mini Hot Pot

If you have been boozing for 3 days straight... This is the cure for your nasty fwend, the hangover. Bitch slap it with crap in a pot and all it's glorious goodness.

They don't skimp on the rabbit food department but the frozen meats and seafood chum entrees are kinda chincy. No worries, just order a few side orders and that cauldron will be overflowing like New Orleans. There's so much going that you might not fit everything in there, just don't forget to dip your balls in the sultry broth. There's so many balls to choose from... Beef, pork, cattle fish, snow fish, beef tendon or the Fuzhou fish ball. How many balls can fit in that little can of booty essence you may ask... We may never know.

But I know Mini Hot Pot will be my BFF after those long weekends of debauchery and fudge wrassling.

Burp.

4897 Buford Hwy
Atlanta, GA 30341
(770) 458-8882

Aja

I don't know if I should be offended or laughing at this disgraceful display of the stereotypical Ajan theme. The only things missing is a coolie with a rickshaw and a railroad station. I wonder if they do their own laundry out back. The over-use and mis-use of Chinese characters is dizzying. Everything in here is so cliched and gaudy, from the interior design to the food, it's so circa 1977. It can be summed up in 3 words: Crap In Wok.

The over-priced menu is a mish-mash of your favorite Pan-Ajan craptastic hits. Sushi, Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese, Indian... Only things missing is Korean fwied chicken and Steely Dan Dan noodles. The sushi rolls are forgettable, the dim sum should be called dum dum, the mains sound like Panda Express' finest and the dwinks are weak ass half-pours. The dim sum carts leaves a vapor trail of rancid fish funk in it's wake.

Robster and Shwimp Wontons - How the hell are these things dried to a crisp in a steam cart? I think they "rob" us of the lobster in there.

Shrimp Dumplings in rice paper - The key word here is "dumps". String these shrimp beads together and you could have a nice pearl necklace.

Pan-Fwied Pork Pot Stickers - There's more words in the name than on the plate. Chili soy sauce was more of a reduced syrupy glaze. Goto Super H and get a bag full for half the price.

Minced Chicken Lettuce Wraps - The hair helmet size lettuce broke apart when you tried to fold them. Hell, just give me some Tostitos Scoops instead.

I rather watch two girls and finger than be subjected to eating this crap in a basket again. Isn't it politically incorrect to have a giant buddha in da middle of the dining room... What are they trying to say? That Ajans are big, fat, yellow, bald f-cks that can't stop grubbing with that shit eating grin? ...Jesus Henry Christ, help me.

"Aja
When all my dime spendin' is through
I get the runs from you"

Splash.

3500 Lenox Rd NE
Ste 100
Atlanta, GA 30326
(404) 231-0001

www.heretoserverestaurants.com/

Craft

MARKET ain't got nuthin' on Craft...

Two words: Fwee Valet.

Celebrity chefs never impress me and their food even less. Their focus is on conquering as many locations as possible... AKA selling out. Hero worship has been at an all time high with this new-fangled widget called television and Top Chef is the Bible. Their followers are like ravenous zombie dogs that would eat shit on a shingle and declare it the best thing in their pieholes since the foie gras milkshake.

Our group of savvy snackers ventured out on the opening night to see what the fuss was all about and see how Tom Colicchio measured up... I say about 3 apples high. Family style group dining is totally the way to go. You can order basically everything on the menu to sample. Hell, my plate looked like Jackson Pollock's #1 with 6 different apps, mains and sides... This could very well be Craft's shit on a shingle. Let me tell you what, it was better than a liver smoothie which made me do a #2.

Some highlights include...
Pork Belly- Like a warm stick of butta that melts down your throat... Tila Tequila would approve. Yum.

Beet Salad- This is one smear I have no problem putting in my mouth. Slurp.

Braised Short Ribs- Fork you! And I sure did... Fork tender and rich in flavor. Mmm.

Prosciutto Wrapped Monkfish- This is my kinda surf and turf. Ain't no poor man's lobster around here... Not at that price!

Tortellini- Not overly rich or heavy. Just the perfect balance of bite vs sauce.

Shroom Risotto- My low carb diet went outta the winda, didn't even have to think twice.

The gratin, fingerlings, gnocchi, parsnips, sprouts, swordfish, cod, scallops, peppers, cabbage, spinach and peekytoe "poquito" crab were all well prepared and seasoned. The only thing that annoyed me was the over use of chives sprinkled on most of the dishes. The duck looked great but a tad bit overcooked but it doesn't mean it ain't going in my pouch! The musical desserts were as comical as finding "Chef" during service.

The place is gorgeous and not cookie cutter like all the other trendy joints with craptastic food around town. This place means business and the warm wood accents all around got me more excited than Pinocchio telling a lie. You don't have to be a venture capitalist to afford to eat here... Well, mebbe just a lil Financier.

This may put Atlanta one step closer to becoming a true culinary destination.

To be continued...

BURP!

3376 Peachtree Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30326
(404) 995-7500

www.craftrestaurant.com

LOLA

I ate here one night down in new SoBu
Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry-cola

I walked thru the door and she asked me my name
I asked her where I was and in a dark brown voice she said LOLA

Well I'm not the world's most corpulent guy
But when I squeezed my thighs I nearly split my pants
Oh my LOLA
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
Why the veal was a breast and chicken a steak
Oh c'mon LOLA

Well we drank Penfolds and grubbed all night
Under electric candlelight
She filled me up and drank to my kneez
And said fat boy won't you go home now pweez
Well I'm not the world's most heavyset guy
But when I looked at my belly well I almost said Hola
Oh no LOLA

I pushed the dried out potatoes away
I wobbled to the door
I almost hurled on the floor
I got down on my knees
Then I looked at her and she at my pouch

Well that's the trendy way that they want it to stay
And it will always be that way for Tom's LOLA
Oh boy LOLA
Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
It's a mixed up muddled up shook up bathroom inside LOLA
Only in Atlanta Georgia

Well I left Hong Kong just a week before
And I'd never had a cold grilled Octopus like this before
But LOLA smiled and took me by the fridge
And said dear boy I'm gonna open you another can

Well I'm not the world's most epicurious man
But I know what I am and I'm glad I like cured ham
At LOLA

2.5 Stars.

3280 Peachtree Rd
Ste 150
Atlanta, GA 30305
(404) 892-9292

www.heretoserverestaurants.com/

BB's Wings

Sometimes, dumpy filthy old gas stations hold hidden gems inside... This is not one of them. There's a reason why the pisser is located 2 feet away. Hell, this dump could very well been the second stall for all we know. But sometimes you gotta say... WTF?! It's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it.

Wings are their "claim" to porcelain fame but they also have cheesesteaks, gyros, sammies, fried rice, fwies and other IBS hits.

Wings - With 18 flavors or so, decided to get it naked with hot sauce on the side. Thank God I practice what I preach because this hot sauce was bloody oily and curdled, this petri dish specimen should be sent to the CDC for analysis. The wings were small, dried out and you could taste the vintage of the gwease... It was aged for at least 2 months. Ghastly.

Fried Rice - Fwied Wice, Flied Lice... No matter how you say it still taste as lame. Shouldn't the rice be fried in the wok and not beforehand? My mistake was to watch the Toxic Avenger cook the grub in this "open kitchen"... And witnessed a tired old plate of rice, brown in color, taken straight from the fridge...uncovered. I think it was supposed to go into the trash but somehow it ended up in my order instead. If I wanted dried up brown rice, I eat it straight from the bag. Horrid.

Fries - A pure study in moppishness. Our Freedom is in jeopardy. Limp, tasteless and defeated. Re-Animator couldn't bring this thing back to life. Absolutely lurid.

I can only assume BB stands for Buffalo Butt but they should rename it to Bye Bye Birdie cuz I'm outta here!

FLUSH

2911 Buford Hwy Ne
Atlanta, GA 30329
(678) 237-0106

MARKET

Why on God's gween earth would anyone pay 16 clams to valet park? And then Grease those fools on top of that as you get in your car. This ain't Manhattan pal, it's friggin Buckdead but I still got Jedi Mind twicked by a bunch of Beauty School Dropouts...

So, this new Jean-Georges resto is located inside the new "W" Buckhead and it's pretty... Pretty banal. Don't get me wrong, it's designed real purdy but it's pretty much like every other hip and trendy joint in town that the house frowls from OTP would enjoy. Give the booth seat to the lady and suffer the cold hard chair because it's the gentlemanly thing to do, forget about kids in the future. The paper place mat is nicer than the ones at Waffle House but it's still a paper place mat. The standout were the wine glasses, they were designed beautifully and kept the swirl spillage to a minimum... So much I can say for the bathrooms which are upstairs, yes, 2 flights up. Plan ahead, for the head.

The menu is not too extensive which is a good sign of not having half-cooked dishes ready to be fired and out the door in 5 minzies. The wine menu was very reasonably priced and the Cotes du Rhone carafe was tasty. How's da gwub you ask? It's aight.


Bacon Wrapped Shrimp - One word: Bacon. The shrimp was a bit over cooked because of their small size but I kinda expected it. Avocado slices and passion fruit mustard were kinda boring.
Peekytoe Crab Cake - That crab was playing peeky-boo instead because I don't see you or taste you. Filler of croutons and chopped up shwimp inside a wet stringy mass. I bet you can find more lumpy crabs at the valet stand.
Steamed Skate Wing - Looked great on paper but so did Marxism. It was spongy and the spaghetti squash was mushy. The fumet/jus poured table side was wet and brown, it just made it even mushier. No need for Fixodent, just forget it because the tooth-challenged would have no problems gumming this down.

Glazed Beef Short Ribs - It looked like Mr. Hanky doing the backstroke in the carrot puree and leaving a trail of Honshimeji shrooms in his wake. Fork tender but a bit too sweet.

Celebrity chefs are good cooks but when their focus is all about multiplying their resto empire and not the food... At least have wabbit on the menu, pweez!

2.5 Stars.... for now.

*Sigh*

3377 Peachtree Road NE
Atlanta, GA 30326
(404) 523-3600

www.marketbuckhead.com/

When they laid the 'ZA before us, the first thing that came to mind... Was it a fwat, I mean a fraternity paddle? This thing could do some damage... And it did to my marsupial pouch.

I just don't get this oblong shape that's popping up in all da new style pizza/flatbwead joints. The server asks... "Do you want a square piece or a corner one?" "Huh? Don't worry about it sweetcheeks, I think we can handle this." The sausage and tricolor peppaz with organic white crust wasn't too shabby. The crust was light, airy and cooked well, just no char like a good NYC 'ZA... Then again, this ain't NYC style. The Snarky Snacker concurred. The ingredients were pretty decent but at 19 clams, this dough paddle is a bit pricey, organic, gluten fwee or not.

The beer selection can be counted on both hands of a 3 toed sloth. The organic theme is seen throughout the entire menu including the beers. The Oxford Organic Raspberry Wheat was ok... A tad much on the berry after taste. A 6-pack of this and they would have to squeeze or juice me like a fat little Oompa Loompa. The Pinkus Organic Urpils was verra tastee. Just don't get any fruity beers and you'll be ok... Unless you're a fruity kinda guy.

The house salad mix was... Well, very gween. Once again, organic with cucumbers (about 4 twisty slices), tomatoes (cherry), kalamata olives (sure pal), feta cheese (grounded up), and red onions (sans). The balsamic vinaigrette on the side tasted eerily like Newman's Own. Meh.

I don't know who made the menu but shouldn't "Appetizers & Breads" and "Sandwiches & Wraps" contain more than one item each? Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

The gluten-fwee brownies better contain something else in there if you're gonna tempt me. The joint ain't bad, the grub ain't bad, the service ain't bad and I'll probably go back to try some other 'ZA's and their wacky dough since they're right across da street from yours truly. They need some serious PR bad if they want to survive in this economic wasteland.

This diet of mine ain't on the straight and narrow... Kinda like my belly.

Mazel Tov.

2233 Peachtree Rd
Suite M
Atlanta, GA 30309
(404) 351-9334

www.pizzafusion.com

Mirch Masala

Indian restos are not exactly appetizing visually, the decor is like your grandmother's crib, stuck somewhere between the '70's and '80's. It's cornier than those grainy Bollywood music videos that only Michael Jackson could love. But the aroma of spices in the air reminded me of every Indian household I have ever been in (whom were all here chowing down) and this is why I'm here... It ain't an easy job but someone's gotta do it.

True... they have an a la carte menu as well as a buffet. So, Gastro had to sneak a peek at what was hovering over them steam tables. They had me at curry goat. Hell, I figured I can always order off the menu if that mutton was nuthin. Surprisingly, everything was purdee tastee but the heat was a bit dumb down for it t'was for the masses. The tandoori chicken was the only thing subjected to the curse of the steam tray... Sitting out without liquid for that amount of time is torture to one's flesh.

The naan on the other hand was friggin-licious. I turned my garlic naan into an Indian pizza. It's easy... 1) Cut the naan into slices. 2) Put your meat on the naan. 3) Fold up the naan. Enjoy!

Biru, our server/host was da bomb... He didn't pimp that mango lassi crap like Mirza at Panahar. He also said to hold off on ordering apps off the menu and try the buffet instead because it would fill me up. Who da fuk does that in this day in age? He is not only a gentleman but also a scholar... And now my bro.

I rubbed my pouch as I waddled towards the door and rubbed the breasteses of the golden goddesses as I exited in hopes for some enlightenment from the Kama Sutra. But sadly, the only thing bloated that night was my pouch.

3.5 Stars.

Burp!

1713 Church St
Decatur, GA 30033

(404) 296-9999

Pho Viet

They won't love you long time and you can't get anyting you want but If you got 5 dolla... They can make you holla.

Small bowl of Pho with every piece of bovine scraps in it, aka "Crap in a Bowl", can fill your pouch making minimum wage with change left to spare. The broth was decent but it needed to be lava hot if you're gonna pile on a bunch of junk in da twunk. The small bowl can easily fill up even the largest of slobs. They give you so much bean sprouts, you can pass a trail of it back to your hizzy.

Egg Wollz were really crispy and rolled tighter than my Jordache jeans... Hey, you wanna know what gets between Gastro and his Cha Gios'? That's right Gene Wilder... the answer is "Nothing!".

Strawberry Bubble Tea just made me bloated and gave me flashbacks of the 2004 tsunami. Meh.

Not too shabby for a quick fill in a clean joint.

Snarf.

4300 Buford Hwy Suite 201, 202
Atlanta, GA 30341
(404) 483-9101

Social

Taterz

Beetz

Cornish Hen

Flan

Meatballz

Gastro is always on the lookout for new nosheries and I was pretty excited when my friend told me about this joint hidden away downtown behind FAB... I love the location and beautiful space inside, it's like a lil taste of NYC. Could it be that Atlanta is growing a pair of cojones and doing something outside of the same old dusty box? So, the Snarky Snacker and I had to investigate...

Braised meat balls w/ almond white wine sauce - Somehow balls and white sauce ain't exactly what I want in my mouth. It wasn't bad, just needed some more seasonings and I even swallow some of the sauce.

Roasted red beet napoleon w/ chives, goat cheese, crème fraiche and toasted pistachio - Goat cheez overpowered the tasteless beets... I would be beet red from embarrassment if I put this on my menu , 86...

Potatoes a la brava w/ onions, paprika, roasted red pepper coulis - It was definitely a red pepper coulis vs. what the server called a "harissa" sauce. Taters prepared well and not too shabby. Funny, how the simplest dish is the tastiest.

Moroccan style Cornish hen w/ green olive, preserved lemon sauce, saffron rice pilaf - Server's fav and I really wanted to see how well they prepared this dish. It was a half portion of something, I couldn't tell if it was the leg, thigh or bweast... It coulda been 2 hamsters for all I know. It was pre-cooked and reheated which made it taste like chicken jerky. No Moroccan spices detected. The rice was on par with the San Franciso tweat... No saffron detected. The lemon sauce was just the excess juices leaking from the 3 preserved lemon wedges on the plate. The factory pitted gween olives made their mark on the dish with an "X" on the bottom... If it came with a martini I wouldn't complain.

Spanish Flan - Custard was too soft and falling apart, it was more like a pudding consistency. The caramel sauce was overpowered with citrus essence... Just tasted weird. I guess that giant sprig of mint leaves was meant to hide this Franken-Flan.

Edmeades, Red Zinfandel - Somehow booze always makes it better...

Hopefully, the kitchen with catch up with the cool vibe of this joint. Middling grub will win no praise with my pouch, especially "tapas" in Atlanta. They need to step their game up on the chow and fix the kitchen door which sounds like M-80's going off every time they come through it. Just a side note- Tell me if I'm wrong about this unpleasing aroma of B.O. emanating from the kitchen which the door fans out to the tables nearby. I know the Cornish hen ain't from Morocco but does it have to smell like it while I'm eating? Three words: Puerto Rican Shower...

And the hobo sleeping in the doorway next door needed one bad!

Developing....

12 W Peachtree Pl
Atlanta, GA 30308
(404) 525-2246

socialintown.com

Fatburger

This burga looks great on paper... And tastes like it too.

Fat is the last thing Gastro needs in his pouch... But I decided to give it another shot after a couple disappointing visits. The only thing missing in their burga is the FAT. I want gwease dwipping down my arms like I have just assisted in artificial insemination of Bossy.

This whole burga trend is as tiresome as the "Gastropub"... But if you're gonna pimp a burga, don't use lean meat. It's also stacked with so much filler, it might as well be a garden salad with Bacon Bits sprinkled on it. I guess I'm just comparing everything else to the H&F 10 napkin burga.

The Turkey Burga wasn't bad if you like a slider of compacted saw dust. Order 3 more and you can easily move your furniture around. The words "turkey" and "burga" goes together like "Chico" and "Chang".

The fat fwies were Sysco's big brown bag finest, I guess it's better than munching on Wynona's big brown beaver... But the fwies were hot and crispy at least. So much I can say for the onion rings, they were just a greezy mess... It looked like Castro's High Mileage formula at the bottom of the paper basket. Funny, the guy at the fryer looked eerily like Sisqo. Boy, he's really 'went down' hill after that Thong song.

Meh, I think this is the last time I will ever step pouch in here... That slop turn Gastro's iron stomach into a pinata. It beat da hell outta me and everything came flying out.

Splash.

2625 Piedmont Rd
Suite 34-A
Atlanta, GA 30324

(404) 844-0444

www.fatburger.com